Chapter 5

Previously…He ignored Mal's sputtered denial, "Jiàn tā de guǐ, I ain't scared of her."

"Am I?" He looked her in the eyes. "Is your brother?"

"No…" She blinked as she looked back and forth between the two of them. Who knew what she really saw, what they'd done to her perceptions, if she even interpreted visual cues the same as everyone else anymore. "Simon is worried. Lóng Wáng is concerned but not afraid. Annoyed training and hunting have been put on hold."

"Yeah, but we'll work around it," He shrugged with his good shoulder as Simon let him sit up again and sealed a bandage over the wound. "This won't even slow me down a half day." He pointed at Simon, "And before you start, you can check it and see in about eight hours. It'll be at least halfway healed if not more."

"Extraordinary," Simon murmured quietly.

With his eyes, counterfeiting wasn't something he could manage. Details yeah, but colors...not his forte. He was able to give Kaylee a hand putting together a dedicated sourcebox for River, thanks to some things Mal had picked up from a long-gone passenger and other parts Kaylee had collected. River had watched in fascination as Kaylee explained everything she was doing. Once River had gotten through Riddick's version of basic and the programming from the removed subliminal generating implant was gone Kaylee had promised to add a port to link the sourcebox to the ship cortex and the net.

So, they had the learning portion of basic training down. The rest of it… he'd figured out how many klicks a full circuit of the ship's decks would make and informed Mal that he and River would be running that twice daily as part of the training. When he had to be on the bridge, River was with Mal in the galley, learning about weapons maintenance. Once she was comfortable with that they'd turn out the lights so she could do it in the dark. Mal dredged up his own training from the depths of his memory and in the septic room he and Zoë rigged a crawl line so River could train in the belly crawl that had saved their lives back on Jiangyin.

Zoë enlisted Riddick's aid and they put targets on the far side of Serenity's cargo bay, and taught River the mechanics of sniping, breathing and blocking out everything but what she was targeting. Actual shooting could wait until they were dirtside again, and River was a bit more stable.

There were also pullups, jumping jacks, pushups, resistance training, and jumping rope with Kaylee's rope. Kaylee came up with something called a hula hoop and showed he and River how to use it. He could definitely see how it would strengthen core muscles. Kaylee and River had contests to see how long they could keep the hoops going.

It was the most basic of training and not even the tip of the iceberg as far as what he needed to do in order to break down the programming in her brain. This would get her in shape for the real training, combat, tactics, everything he'd learned and turned on its end to survive the rest of his life. They couldn't do that until the hold was empty. Or mostly empty anyway. They needed an open space to spar. Hopefully they'd get the cattle sold quick so they could get to training.

Book and River and Kaylee, with a little help from Wash, managed to come up with some pretty good papers on the cattle for the market on Mycroft. And Elder Gommen had already said there was call for beef at their market as well. So, they'd been able to get the rest of the cows unloaded on Triumph. That was more than a little bit of a relief.

River, Wash, Kaylee and Simon were with Book clearing out the cargo deck of all cowpies now that the cattle had been completely sold. They'd made a tidy profit all things considered, even after Badger had gotten his share of the job. Mal had just grinned and said there was no need to inform Badger that they'd gotten paid twice. Once by the Grange brothers for the agreed upon twenty-five a head and once by buyers on Mycroft and Triumph for twenty-eight a head. Since no one particularly liked Badger and did like the idea of not splitting their 'bonus' with the little crime boss no one argued about that.

In order to keep Badger from raising a fuss they'd had to stop at the Kowlan Fed Base past Jiangyin so they could drop off his share with the men he had stationed there. Mal and Zoë had done that bit. Riddick didn't mind staying on the boat one iota, so long as he knew Cobb was stuck aboard as well. He wouldn't put it past the merc to go informing on River, Simon and him while they were so conveniently docked at a station run by the Feds.

Mal had helped to keep Cobb away from the Fed base by telling Jayne that he was to inventory all the arms and ammo in the small armory, so they knew what they had to work with when they reached Triumph.

Jayne had grumbled but he'd done it. He'd still been at it when Mal and Zoë got back on the boat and Wash got clearance for take-off.

Away from the Fed base and all the danger contained therein, everyone relaxed slightly. Riddick had been trying to show Simon different ways of preparing protein so that he and River wouldn't be stuck with something noxious when Mal walked in to get some coffee.

"What's this job on Triumph? You said something about playing bait?" He asked the Browncoat as the man sat down and began to set out cards for a hand of solitaire.

"Know much about Triumph?" Mal looked over at them as River took a seat beside him and stole his coffee, "Hey now, give that back and get your own." He admonished mildly.

"Wanted the taste, not the effects," River informed him seriously.

"Uh huh," Mal had a bewildered tone to his voice.

"She means she wanted to try it, but she doesn't want a whole mug," Simon offered. "Mèi mei would you like some tea?"

"Shì," River nodded.

"Know some about Triumph," Riddick admitted as he brought a mug over for River and handed her a bowl full of canned squash to mash with a fork. "Mostly pastoral? Isolated communities?"

"Fairly much so," Mal agreed. "Pretty place, but folks depend on Traders to get goods they can't make on their own. They've got themselves a bandit problem and don't have the guns or experience to deal with it themselves. Whenever the law tries to get involved the thieves up and move to another area as if they know what's comin'."

"Loose lips sink ships," River murmured, and Riddick gave her a look.

"You think they've got ears in the Lawman's office?"

She seemed to consider before she answered, "Zhī ma guān. Family connections. Loose lips."

Riddick exchanged a look with Mal, "Seems like we oughta walk soft on this one?"

"Even petty bureaucrats can cause trouble," Mal nodded slowly.

Simon had turned from the stove and was regarding them all, "A family connection…" He took the pan off the heater and brought it to the table. "Back on Osiris there were quite a few young men and women who weren't… responsible. Of good birth but not good character."

"Not in the top three percent?" Mal had a slight smirk on his face.

"Unlikely," Simon nodded. "My point being they could get in quite a bit of trouble, or cause a lot of it, and because of who they were, nothing was done about them."

"Might be why the law has such a hard time catchin' these bandits," The Captain considered. "If one of 'em's a local tóu miàn rén wù relation. Arresting him wouldn't look so good." He caught Riddick's frown over the Chinese and added, "A…kinda bigwig."

That made sense. Riddick nodded thoughtfully, "Might be why the law didn't object to the locals bringing in outsiders to deal with the problem. Go in and you don't know all the players, and don't much care, they're not responsible if something happens to whoever. Their problem is solved but we've got a whole new one."

"Definitely walk soft," Mal agreed with Riddick's initial thought.

Since apparently three was company and four a crowd he, as least senior gunhand, and most likely to have trouble with daylight, was elected to shadow the wagon barge from the shore of the river while Mal and Jayne played bait. Zoë was hidden in the back of the wagon, light enough that her presence wasn't much strain on the horses. The riverbanks being lined with trees gave him plenty of shadows with which to work so at least the sun didn't bother his eyes.

According to the traders they'd spoken with there were generally four bandits, although occasionally the number dropped to three. The plan was to ambush the bandits, tie them up and turn them in for the reward. Hopefully without much going wrong.

Jayne wore a broad brimmed hat and a tatty shirt, minus obvious weaponry, while Mal got to play wife in a bonnet and dress. It was a good thing Jayne was big, or Mal would have looked even more ridiculous than he already did.

He heard the beat of horses on the ground before he saw them, four riders, coming from the west. Likely they had a cabin or something in that direction, possibly the bigwig relation's ranch. That was something to check out later on. All four of them were dressed in a similar fashion, hats, kerchiefs over their mouths to mask their faces, guns thankfully holstered as they splashed into the river to block the wagon's progress.

Riddick ignored the chatter of the leader, looking for the tells that would indicate which of the thieves had richer blood than the others. One of them had a finer horse, obviously well trained, as was the rider. The saddle was tooled and the leather dyed a pure dark color, the smell of wool and silk drifting over the scent of horse and river. The guns he carried were of better quality too. Imitation ivory handles and engraving.

The other three, even the leader, sat like sacks of potatoes on their mounts, the animals restless and moving around while the fourth was still, obedient to the reins held in a careful grasp by a man with a straight spine. Riddick didn't care much for horses as a rule but he could tell quality when he saw it.

Riddick tuned back into the conversation as Jayne looked up at the bandit leader, "You might wanna reconsider that last part. I married me a powerful ugly creature."

Predictably Mal couldn't resist a straight line and Riddick smirked. A laugh would give away his position, no matter how damn funny the man was being, "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?"

"If I could make you prettier, I would," Jayne told him seriously.

Mal shook his head, "You're not the man I met a year ago." The leader's expression went from irked to confused and on to annoyed as he went for his gun. Mal and Jayne, mid married couple spat, raised theirs first while Riddick slid into the water and over to the blind side of his mark.

Mal regarded the leader with a hard gaze, "Think very hard. You been birddoggin' this township a while now, and they wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you could luxuriate in a nice jail cell but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you."

Riddick grabbed his bandit as the one next to him raised his rifle, dragging the man from his horse and out of the line of fire. Zoë leapt from the back of the wagon as Mal and Jayne fired, dropping the leader and the second while she got the third. Riddick looked at the soaking wet bandit he held by the scruff of the neck. "I really hope you're actually related to someone important," he told the idiot. "Otherwise you being alive is more of a pain in the ass than a help."

Mal climbed down in his frock and bonnet still, "Jayne, get to pickin' these bodies up. Rick, if you'll round up the horses, doubt they've gone far."

"Yeah, they're pretty close," He could hear them splashing around a bit downstream where it was quieter. "Here," He handed off his bandit to the Browncoat.

River had been stuck on the boat while he'd gotten to have fun ambushing bandits, though she'd made good use of her time. Simon, once he'd understood the point of what Riddick was doing, was happy to monitor her progress and find other things for her to study. Astronavigation was the topic he'd chosen for the week, so when he came back Riddick found River deep in discussion with Wash regarding the practicalities of the subject.

Riddick had noticed that when she had something concrete to work on, a goal to occupy that genius brain that River seemed more…solid. As if her thoughts were being blown hither and yon with the wind or someone else's errant thoughts. He hadn't voiced his opinion regarding her abilities. He was pretty sure Simon suspected and not much got past Zoë, but Mal seemed to be writing off River's insights to her genius brain. Conclusions drawn from miniscule amounts of data gathered rather than her being a Reader or Seer or combination of the two.

Regardless, getting her working on something was the surest way to keep her steady, so Riddick made a point of finding her things to do that occupied her brain and body. Everyone on the boat, excepting Cobb, had offered their expertise for the same purpose. That was fine, he doubted there was much Cobb could teach her beyond spitting and cursing.

Toward that end while the town and the rest of the crew were partaking in dancing around a bonfire, drinking and eating, he handed River a pair of cargo pants and long-sleeved shirt to go with the combat style boots she wore. "We're having that hunting trip. Also checking out the bandit's base of operations, see if we can scrounge anything."

"Finders keepers," River nodded solemnly and went into her room to change. She came back out less than a minute later, her hair still straggling down her back and he frowned.

"Go and get one of your ties, can't have your hair snagging on a branch or something."

She tilted her head but retreated into her room, emerging again with her brush and several elastics. "Her hair is problematic."

"Yeah, you do have quite a few knots in it," He nodded. "I'm gonna get it wrapped out of the way, once we get back, maybe Kaylee or Inara can help you brush it." Winding it into a knot at the base of her neck and securing that with several of the elastics would serve for the moment.

"He will not help?" She turned and looked at him expectantly.

That was…different. He could understand, (sort of) her fascination with the Wrath, especially if it had shorted out the subliminal generator. Hanging onto him afterwards while Simon did his scan made a certain amount of sense. He'd proven somewhat sympathetic and he was hella big so maybe she found that reassuring. For certain no one would take her against her will while he was around. But he'd been very careful to treat her as if she was the twelve to thirteen-year-old girl she looked like. Despite the way her legs and spine and… focus gorramit, despite the Animal's attraction to her. No way in hell was he going to let her get more screwed up in the head than she was. And fixating on him like that…

"Misinterprets," She shook her head. "Mostly. Enjoyable company."

"How?" If he had, okay, that happened. And while she might grow up to be gorgeous, until she did, there was no way in hell he was going to ever touch her. Maybe not even then. Most women didn't find their drill sergeants attractive. Even after basic.

"Steady," She was lacing her boots up tighter. "Doesn't bother her to touch him."

"Bothers you to touch others?" He hadn't noticed her hating when Kaylee took her hand or when he and Zoë guiding her with the rifle training.

"Without the concentration of tasks…they push at her," She finished with her boots and rubbed her head. "So much, of everything…"

"Okay," He wasn't sure this was a good idea. In fact, he was pretty sure it was one of the worst ideas in the history of bad ideas. "We get back, we'll get something to eat and we'll deal with your hair."

He set a fast pace and thankfully with her training he only needed to ease it a little for River to keep up. As the crow flew it wasn't far from the town to where he'd theorized the bandits were holing up between 'jobs' and they came on it sooner than he'd thought they would. The hunting he'd planned on might not actually happen due to the area being a lot more settled than he'd figured. If they got lucky maybe they'd see some rabbits trying to raid someone's garden.

As cabins went it was fairly well built, log walls filled in with plasti putty and sealed against the elements. The stone chimney was nice too, someone had put time and care into the building of it. A front porch stretched the width of the house with the support posts framing the center door and two windows on either side of it. There was a lean-to of decent size off the back and a chicken coop that sounded occupied. He was willing to bet the lean-to served as the horse barn judging by the smell and the sounds he was picking up.

River nodded, "Occupied by a mare and a gelding." She shrugged when he looked at her. "Objects sometimes tell stories."

That was different. But he could work with it. The animals were the only living things around so he wasn't shy about opening the door.

"Primitive," River considered the interior. It was divided into two portions by a wall that extended from the back of the house halfway towards the front. A bed sat on one side, another on the other side and above them, a loft with a ladder rising next to the fireplace and stone chimney.

"Yeah, guess most folks live pretty simple here," He agreed. "Let's see what we've got."

There really wasn't any need to toss the place. They found a couple bags of plat, enough that Mal would be pleased, some foodstuffs that would augment their pantry nicely and a pile of dirty laundry.

Riddick chuckled when River wrinkled her nose at it. "Odiferous."

"Well yeah," He shrugged and picked up an empty grain sack. "But it'll wash and there might be some things in there you and Simon can use. He needs to not look so Core when he steps off the boat and you need some things that fit that aren't borrowed from Kaylee."

"Still odiferous," She was picking the clothes up with her fingertips as if the smell would stick to her.

"I know." He smirked in amusement. Slow start as they'd gotten to the training she was doing well enough at it that sometimes it was easy to forget she was a little girl. With all of the quirks contained therein.

"Males are just as quirky," She uttered the reprimand mildly enough as she regarded the beds. "Bedding? Quilts?"

"Yeah, probably a good idea. If nothing else, Simon'll be able to rip the sheets up for bandages after we boil them. And the quilts will be good in the Black. Climate controls go on the blink extra quilts or blankets are always helpful." He handed her another sack and began to strip the beds. "Check out the loft, throw anything down that you think we can use, assuming it would survive the fall."

"She will not break things needlessly," He was informed. "But her point stands."

Point… oh yeah. "Yeah men are just as quirky as girls, I'm just used to that," He shrugged as he rolled up the quilts. "Don't spend much time with little girls."

"Not a little girl," She told him darkly as bedding sailed over the loft edge.

"Yeah you are," He argued. "Least as far as I'm concerned. Not going to think about you as anything other than a kid. Not for a good long while." He was not a pervert who considered fourteen-year-old children attractive. No matter how long the legs on the aforementioned child.

"Catch," She threw a bag down to him. It clinked and he grinned when he opened it to find a good amount of cash.

"Mal's gonna be pleased," He put it with the others. "Anything else?"

"Gun-case, ammunition, locked chest," River told him. "Not advisable to throw any of these down."

"Right," He mounted the ladder, ignoring the creak that said no one of his size had mounted it…well ever. "Let's see what we've got."

It took a bit to get the horses loaded up, but damned if he'd leave anything behind. He and Wash had plenty of time to chat on the bridge and the pilot had told him that if it wasn't something of immediate use, the crew would either keep it until it was useful or sell it to buy something that was. So he'd taken their intense scrounging habits to heart. Everything he and River could carry out and load up, they did.

They did get a few rabbits on the way back, though River found the way they bounced around without any sort of pattern irritating. First time he'd heard rabbits called furry little agents of chaos and insanity. The horses were loaded down with all the things they'd scrounged, so he and River were on foot, but they'd also gotten the three chickens and one rooster into a crate. The damn things were annoying as hell and it was sheer dumb luck the rabbits on Triumph were stupid or deaf.

River had managed to find all the eggs though, and he figured Kaylee would be able to do something with them. If it weren't for the noise and the smell he'd suggest they keep the chickens on the boat. But he also had no idea how they'd react to artificial gravity.

"Can ask the Captain," River suggested. "Most in the village are asleep by now. Very little of the night left."

"We got a lot done though," He nodded. "I figure we get this stuff stowed away and let Mal know we got some hunting done. No need to inform the locals we've been looting."

"Gift of horses will be appreciated," She agreed. "Perhaps to sell if possible?" Riddick nodded again. Any coin would be helpful.

The bonfire that had been a going concern when they left was mostly a smoldering pile of charred wood and ash. Cobb was reclining against a log, snoring fit to wake the dead. The sun had barely started to brighten the horizon. If they hustled they could get everything into the boat and hidden before the merc woke up.

They'd tethered the horses to Serenity's feet to keep them from wandering. Once they'd secreted away their ill-gotten gains (until they could apprise Mal of the windfall) River took her brush and handed it to him.

That was a big enough hint that he sighed and took a seat on the couch in the lounge and positioned her on an ottoman in front of him. "Okay. But you're still a kid."

"Physicality has no bearing on maturity," She retorted.

"Bullshit it doesn't," He argued. "Half of what makes people mature is hormones."

"Mind will not change as the body grows," River wasn't going to abandon this anytime soon it looked like.

"Didn't say you'd change," He worked on the ends of her hair. "But when you start getting all those chemicals working your body you'd be surprised just how much they influence your thinking."

"Let the mind control the body, not the body control the mind," She shrugged as if that was all there was to the business.

"Yeah, that's good advice, but when you first start feeling the effects of all those chemicals swimming around in your brain…" He could remember just how irksome and pervasive those feelings could be. And the stupid shit they could make you do if you didn't exert some pretty damn ruthless control.

"Not the chemicals," She sounded as if she understood. "Lack of comparison, lack of experience, no understanding of what is happening. Cannot anticipate what is unknown."

"Now you're getting it," He worked on the next section, tilting his head as he heard Mal's step on the metal stairs. "Which is why you are firmly a kid in my mind until you're mentally and physically stable."

"Likes kids," River sounded smug.

"Well yeah," He chuckled. "Kids are the most honest people I know."

"Likes the girl," She was definitely sounding smug.

"Yeah, well," He rolled his eyes. "Don't get too smug about that. You grow up and turn into a teasing brat I won't like you so much anymore."

"Odysseus…Ulysses, requires teasing to lighten his heart," She didn't sound smug anymore. "Jokes and camaraderie."

"That's not the kind of teasing I meant," He sighed. "Let's just…table this issue until it becomes relevant. I promise if you're doing something that's especially irritating that I will tell you. It might be loud or maybe sound rude, but I will tell you."

"That is appreciated. The girl is a genius but there are still areas that are out of her experience. And nothing here is very similar to her upbringing. Foreign territory and unfamiliar customs, superior intelligence is not always enough to compensate." Now she just sounded tired.

"I figure we fill Mal in on everything and then we can sleep some. Train later in the day," He suggested as he got the last of the knots out. "Gimme one of your ties." The slender fingers that passed it back trembled slightly with fatigue, but he caught it and put her hair into a braided tail. "We manage to keep it braided you won't get so many knots in it. Get Simon or Kaylee to help you."

"She will endeavor to follow instructions," River nodded and yawned.

He patted her shoulder as he wound the elastic around the end of the braid, "Let's fill Mal in and we can rest until folks start waking up."

"Fill me in on what?" Mal walked into the lounge with a slight wince in his step.

"Drink a bit too much," Riddick eyed the man curiously.

"That's a possibility," The Captain looked at the two of them. "Didn't see you two around much last night."

"Hunting," River informed him solemnly. "In lieu of the aborted attempt on Jiangyin."

"Yeah, and some scrounging," Riddick added. "Backtracked to where the bandits had been holing up. Went through the place. Got three chickens, a rooster, bunch of eggs, two horses and some goods we might find useful. And some cash." The gun case had been one of the best finds. The rifle was a good one and when River was steadier she'd be able to use it. It even had a very nice scope.

"Take it you liberated what you could," Mal was rubbing his chin as if to hide a smile under his hand.

"Waste not want not," River told him in all seriousness. "Eggs will be good in cold storage for two weeks. Could keep the chickens and have fresh eggs all the time."

"Yeah, remember the cows?" The Captain seemed honestly regretful, "Chickens are worse than cows. And they stink something awful too."

"Animals are unaccustomed to artificial gravity," River sighed. "Trade the chickens? Or wring their necks, roast them and make pillows of their feathers?"

She looked a little bloodthirsty and he figured it had probably been a while since she'd had real meat. Riddick shrugged, "Mal? Think the Elder'd trade us some dead chickens for live ones?"

"I'm sure we can work something out," Mal rubbed his head as if it ached. "Got a couple hours yet before we're due to leave. Folks'll be up and about. I take it you stashed everything away until we're in the Black?"

"Yeah, got it tucked away in my bunk for now. Figured to keep Cobb from noticing the cash," He smirked. "Don't know that he really needs a share considering he didn't do all that much to earn it."

"I'd say you put the proper share of it to the boat, but you're entitled to the lion's portion," Mal shrugged. "You wanna cut Jayne out, you found the coin. Doubt he'd offer you a share of any job he pulled in your absence."

"Figured on a three-way split, the boat, me and River," Riddick explained. "She needs to have some coin of her own. For proper clothes once she's grown up. And she did a fair share of the work."

"Like I said, that's up to you," Mal seemed pleased Riddick wasn't being overly greedy. "Sounds like you've had a full night of it. Get some rest. Both of you. I'll see about trading for the chickens and horses."

"Yeah," He nodded and watched River take that as a dismissal and head for her room fatigue evident in her step. He made a mental note to keep an eye on how active she was versus how much she slept. "Give me a couple hours, I'll be ready for takeoff."

The noise from the cargo bay woke him before it was strictly time for him to get up but how anyone could sleep through several dozen feet tromping up and down the ramp and back and forth through the ship was beyond his comprehension. He'd heard Cobb's distinctive stomp as he'd gone down the hall to his own bunk a couple hours into his nap and figured Mal had nudged the merc awake.

A quick shave and change of clothes before he pulled his boots back on and headed down to the bridge set him up for the next eight hours at least. Wash looked fairly bright eyed as he went through his preflight checks.

"That gorram board still giving us trouble?" Riddick thumped the side of his half of the console to make the lights come on. "Guess that's my answer. This thing needs a rewire."

"Well maybe we'll get lucky and Mal will spring for it along with a new catalyzer," Wash offered optimistically.

Riddick rolled his eyes as Zoë entered the bridge bringing with her two mugs of coffee, one of which she handed him. "Thanks?"

"Cap'n mentioned you an' River went scrounging, said to keep it to myself but it'll put us in the parts we need, some of them anyway," Zoë shrugged.

"That's a nice bit of news," Wash grinned; then his smile fell of his face so quickly Riddick could almost hear it hit the floor. "And here is the bad. Alliance cruiser inbound."

Zoë took off down the hall, "I'll tell the Cap'n."

Riddick sighed, "Well, let's kick on."

Zoë's voice coming over the comms was a little surprising, "This is Zoë. We need all personnel in the cargo bay."

Mal's squawk of objection came through the speakers, "All—I said Wash!"

"Oh I gotta hear this," Riddick smirked at the pilot and the two of them put land speed records to shame as they raced down to the bay.

He could hear Cobb's voice as they came down the mid deck stairs to the catwalks, "Then can I know her?"

He and Wash grinned as Zoë scolded the merc, "Jayne..." Only to hear her add in a way too sensitive tone, "Don't sully this."

The rest of the ship's inhabitants, including an annoyed looking River, joined them in the cargo bay as Mal was threatening his First Mate, "Zoë, you are gonna be cleaning the latrine with your face, you don't cut that out."

Book was the first to ask the question on everybody's mind, "Who's the new recruit?"

Zoë barely repressed a smirk, "Everybody, I want you to meet Mrs. Reynolds."

Riddick leaned against a crate and regarded the voluptuous girl with slightly curly hair. She wore a dress that showed off a very impressive bosom and shapely legs to go with a fairly slender waist. The shawl she was fiddling with didn't hide much of her figure though the angle at which she was ducking her head hid her face well enough for the moment.

Predictably enough Kaylee was excited for Mal, "You got married?"

Doc Simon was a bit more restrained though he tried to be polite through his confusion, "Well, that's—congratulations..."

Wash dove right into the farce with relish, "We always hoped you two kids would get together." In the next breath he asked, "Who is she?" Riddick smirked; Wash never failed to amuse.

Again, predictably, Mal erupted, "She's no one!"

The girl began to immediately cry, and Kaylee made a face at Mal, "Captain!"

Riddick covered his smirk with his palm though he noticed Zoë wasn't making any such effort. Mal was shaking his head at his erstwhile bride, "Stop that." Because that always worked on crying women.

"I'm, sorry..." The girl almost hiccupped.

Wash, still enjoying himself, admonished Mal insincerely, "You brute."

Kaylee wrapped an arm around the girl, "Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry." She added unnecessarily, "He's like a monster."

River ignored the brouhaha and leaned against the crate next to him, frowning at the newcomer. "Odd."

Mal was squawking again, "I'm not a monster!" He pointed at Wash, "Wash, turn the ship around."

Riddick watched Book murmur something to Simon that made the Doc walk back to his quarters while Wash argued with Mal, "Can't."

"That's an order," Mal sounded extra Captainy, doubtless in an effort to compensate for the crying female.

"Yeah, but can't," The pilot shrugged at him.

"What the hell is wrong w—"

Wash cut Mal off before he could complete the question, "Alliance touched down the second we left." He explained, "And there's already a bulletin on the cortex as to the murder of a prefect's nephew." He shrugged at Riddick apologetically, "That's right, seems more than one of our bandits had some family ties." He looked back at Mal, "So unless you feel like walking into a noose, I suggest we continue on to Beaumonde and you…" He paused and smirked up at the bigger man, "Enjoy your honeymoon."

Mal was muttering to himself and then snapping at his bride, "Will you stop crying?"

Inara, who had been looking less than thrilled about the entire fiasco snapped at him, "Oh, for god's sake, Mal, can you be a human being for thirty seconds?" Her scent flared and skewed towards bitter as she admonished the Captain.

Yeah, Mal and Inara fighting, here we go again. Riddick half tuned the rest of the mess out as he looked down at River, "What's odd?"

"Calculation. The abacus is narrowly focused," River tilted her head. "But pretty."

"Yeah, she's okay." Mal's blushing bride was a bit more to his regular tastes, lushly curved. But he wouldn't have wanted to be married to her either.

Mal's outburst caught his attention, "I am not married!" He looked at his bride, "I'm sorry. You don't shame me… I'm sure you have very nice qualities, but I didn't ever marry you."

Book had been consulting Simon's encyclopedia and put paid to that objection, "I believe you did. Last night."

That brought Mal up short and he looked at Jayne, his inquiry quiet, "How drunk was I last night?"

Jayne shrugged, "I dunno. I passed out."

Riddick rolled his eyes. Whatever had happened, it had gone on after he and River had left on their little field trip. Now he was doubly glad they'd gone. The cash would come in handy for certain.

"Wasn't wrong. Did keep the right man alive," River murmured as Book explained the marriage ceremony to the Captain. "Died in custody once given over to the lawmen."

"Great," He sighed. "Now I'm getting blamed for shit other people did on top of shit I've actually done."

"The truth will out," She shrugged at him. "They will train later?"

"Yeah," Riddick nodded. "I think so. Now that we've got the hold cleared out we'll add sparring to your training."

"He thinks to take quite some time," River sighed.

"Need to break everything down before we can build you back up again," He gave her shoulder a pat.

"She understands and comprehends," The slender girl nodded.

He watched as Mal blinked once Book had finished, "So what does it say in there about divorce?"

The girl in question didn't seem to care for that response judging by the way she ran off towards the infirmary. River took off after her, no explanation why, as Kaylee hurled what had to be an insult at her Captain, "Nǐ bù gòu gé, nǐ hún qiú."

Mal's pithy response blazed irritation, "Guǎn nǐ zìjǐ de shì!" He started after his bride, "Everyone go back to... whatever."

Zoë watched him, "Really think you're the one to talk to her, sir?"

The Captain nodded a bit grimly, "Way I see it, me and her got one thing in common. We're the only ones who don't think this is funny." He stormed out of the cargo bay and Riddick frowned looking up towards the mid deck as he heard footsteps there.

"What's up?" Wash caught his eye.

"I was under the impression that the folks on Triumph weren't all that familiar with ships," He looked at Book for confirmation.

"They wouldn't be," The Shepherd agreed,

"Then how is it I can hear Mal's blushing bride running up the steps," Riddick considered. "Doesn't sound lost, or hesitant. Not stopping either. She's gotten to the upper-deck now."

"Blind panic?" Wash suggested though Zoë's face had a grim set to it.

"Mid Deck ain't over bright," The First Mate shook her head. "That would, should, scare or upset her even more."

"Then what's she doing back in the engine room," That was where the footsteps had stopped, though Mal's slower pace was leading in that direction.

"I do not like her there," Zoë shook her head. "Even if she knows nothing about ships, there's too much that's dangerous to touch."

"Yeah," Riddick looked at Book. "Any insights?"

"None I'm inclined to share without further information to qualify them," Book shook his head.

"Well I'm going to find River, see about her training," He began to follow the same path a bit slower than the Captain, taking the time to look for his little trainee as he went. Coming up the stairs he nearly bumped into Mal and his strangely non-blushing bride as they came down the hall.

"I ain't ever even—" Mal sounded as confounded as ever.

The girl turned and gave her husband a smile, "My name is Saffron."

Riddick turned as Book came up behind him. The Shepherd had apparently already looked into Mal's earlier question, "Divorce is very rare and requires dispensation from her pastor. I can send him a wave, see what I can do."

Mal nodded, "I'd appreciate it. She's a nice girl."

Riddick shook his head as he moved to the opposite side of the hall and kept an eye on the girl in the kitchen as Book continued, "Seems very anxious to please you."

"That's their way, I guess," The Browncoat's voice was a bit absent.

Book's voice was calm, almost casually light, "I suppose so. If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

Riddick shook his head smothering his laugh behind his hand as Mal nearly recoiled in shock, "Wha—I'm not—Preacher, you got a smutty mind."

Book seemed to back off, "Perhaps I spoke out of turn."

Mal nodded righteously, "Per-maybe-haps, I'm thinking."

The Shepherd nodded, "I apologize. I'll make her up a room in the passenger dorm."

Mal nodded again, "Good."

Riddick watched him leave, but of course a Shepherd had to have the last word, his head peering around the corner at Mal, "A special hell..."

"What about you? Got some words to say on the subject of my marriage?" Mal looked at him defensively.

"No…" Riddick shook his head. "No, I think the marriage is real enough. Not sure how much I'd trust your bride though."

That got him a confused look, "She doesn't know a thing about the world outside her town. You saw how they live there."

"Uh huh," He nodded. "I did. Just had the thought that she seemed awfully comfortable with ship stairs and corridors considering she's probably never been up in the Black in her life." He nodded towards the engine room. "And you found her in the engine room?"

"Yeah," Mal nodded. "Just sittin'. Leastways she wasn't cryin' no more."

"Funny how quick those tears dried up, considering she's still married to a man who'd rather not be," Riddick turned his gaze back to the cook in the kitchen.

"What could her game possibly be, if she's running one at all," The Captain frowned. "Hitching a ride?"

"She's a woman Mal," Riddick turned as River unfolded herself from a vent above the engine room door and dropped to the floor. "Makes her all sorts of dangerous in ways men aren't. Mostly because you're looking at her as if she's helpless."

"Didn't touch her engine," River reported quietly. "Stood and looked and evaluated. Took in surroundings. Heard the Captain coming and sat down to pretend cry and mop away crocodile tears. The wretch, concentred all in self, living, shall forfeit fair renown, and, doubly dying, shall go down. To the vile dust, from whence he sprung, unwept, unhonored, and unsung. Dǎ xiǎo suàn pán yāo jing."

That got Mal's attention at least, "Uh huh." He looked towards the galley where Saffron was still cooking. "I'll try to keep a better eye on her."

"Not a bad idea," Riddick nodded and put his attention back on River. "Let's get started with your training today."

He tilted his head quizzically and River half smiled, "Called her a scheming, selfish, uncaring evil spirit or alluring woman." Well yeah, that figured, his little apprentice seemed to have a good (ha ha) read of the situation.

He couldn't be sure what had sent Mal running to Inara's shuttle to hide, or exactly what he'd said that got him kicked out so quickly. But he was fairly certain that Cobb either hadn't noticed he and River sparring or maybe he didn't much care as the merc confronted Mal on the catwalk above the bay.

Mal turned from shouting back at Inara's shuttle to face his merc holding a very deadly weapon in his arms, "Do I have your attention?"

The Captain's tone was more than a little discombobulated, "We're kind of going to extremes here, ain't we?"

"There's times I think you don't take me seriously," Jayne informed him. "And I think that oughta change."

"Do you think it's likely to?" Mal had noticed they were there at least, his posture relaxed slightly even as River almost giggled.

Riddick sighed and signaled for a time out until the drama overhead played out. Even he couldn't compete with the farce they were hearing. Not that he blamed River for nearly laughing, the whole thing was shaping up to be more than a little ridiculous.

"You got something you don't deserve," Cobb informed his Captain.

"And it's brought me a galaxy a' fun I'm here to tell you," Mal snapped back.

"Six men came to kill me one time, and the best of them carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock, customized trigger and double cartridge thorough-gage," Jayne listed the weapon's fine points as he held it out to Mal. "It's my very favorite gun."

Mal made a sound of complete and utter disgust and confusion before he cursed (had to be a curse nothing else sounded that stunned), "Dà xiàng bào zhà shì de lā dù zi… are you offering me a trade?"

Jayne had the nerve to sound insulted, "A trade? Hell, its theft! This is the best gun made by man, and it's got extreme sentimental value! It's miles more worthy'n what you got."

The Captain seemed on the verge of losing it, "What I got—she has a name."

"So does this! I call it Vera," Cobb returned. Riddick nearly groaned. Of course the fuckin' idiot had named his gorram guns. It shouldn't be surprising, but somehow it was.

Mal seemed to have had enough of the conversation, thank God, "Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."

"Dammit, Mal, I'd treat her okay..." At least the man had sense enough to realize he was being an ass.

"She's not to be bought," Mal had his dander up now. "Nor bartered, nor borrowed or lent. She's a human woman, doesn't know a damn thing about the world and needs our protection."

"I'll protect her," Jayne argued.

Now the Captain had truly had enough, "Jayne! Go play with your rainstick." Riddick watched as Mal stomped his way down to the cargo bay while Jayne went back up to his bunk to pout.

"Here we go," Riddick nodded to River. "Let's run through it again."

She nodded and took her place. The object was for her to mirror him, concentrate on his movements and repeat them back, it helped develop muscle memory and adapt the brain to thinking in opposites rather than simply following what he did from behind him.

Mal nodded as they finished, "Coming along." He praised River.

Her response didn't seem to fit the situation, "All of Creation's a farce. Man was born as a joke. In his head his reason is buffeted like wind-blown smoke. Life is a game. Everyone ridicules everyone else. But he who has the last laugh laughs longest."

The Captain, used to River's ways by now, just nodded again, "Think Wash is on the bridge if you want to head on up for the book learning portion of the day."

River nodded and headed up the stairs at a run while Riddick looked at the Captain, "It'll take time. But we'll get there. Seems like everything she says turns out to mean something, just can't figure it out at the time."

"Yeah," Mal nodded. His right eye dropped in a wink and Riddick nearly smirked as he realized the Captain was aware of Saffron hovering just out of sight by the stairs. "'Spect you heard Jayne's… uh…offer. Such as it was."

"He's a…whatever goes above and beyond moron," Riddick rolled his eyes. "As if you'd trade a person for a gun." He shrugged, "If you're expecting me to try and beat his offer you'll be waiting a while."

"Didn't think you'd have an interest, no," The Captain shook his head.

"Not that she isn't a fine-looking woman," Riddick shrugged. "My type too. Just don't like to bring money into it."

"I recall," Mal nodded his understanding. "Since you seem all right with a teaching position, I hoped you'd give her a few lessons on how to use a knife? Maybe the basics of guns? Like to leave her a bit better off than we found her."

"I can do that," Riddick nodded and smirked at Mal. "You know little girls tend to get crushes on their teachers. Sure you want to risk it?"

Mal laughed, "Yeah I'll take my chances."

Author's Note: So we've met Saffron… any guesses as to how this is gonna turn out?

Chinese Translations:

Mèi mei (little sister)

Shì (is / are / am / yes / to be)

Zhī ma guān (low ranking official / petty bureaucrat.)

tóu miàn rén wù (leading figure / bigwig)

Nǐ bù gòu gé, nǐ hún qiú (You're not good enough, you wretch)

Guǎn nǐ zìjǐ de shì! (Mind your own business!)

Dǎ xiǎo suàn pán (lit. to count on a narrow abacus (idiom); petty and scheming selfishly / concerned with petty interests / selfish and uncaring of the interests of others)

yāo jing (evil spirit / alluring woman)

Dà xiàng bào zhà shì de lā dù zi (To have the explosive-type diarrhea of an elephant)

Quote Sources:

The wretch, concentred all in self, living, shall forfeit fair renown, and, doubly dying, shall go down. To the vile dust, from whence he sprung, unwept, unhonored, and unsung. – The Lay Of the Last Minstrel – Sir Walter Scott

All of Creation's a farce. Man was born as a joke. In his head his reason is buffeted like wind-blown smoke. Life is a game. Everyone ridicules everyone else. But he who has the last laugh laughs longest. – William Shakespeare