Cat Got Your Tongue?
Chapter 24
She catches me after school, alone, just after I'm let out of detention (turns out skipping classes add up in a bad way). I've never seen her stay after school before, never seen her get in trouble, so I know that it's me she's waiting for.
My foot hesitates when I round the side of the building and see her leaning against the wall. Her arms are crossed and she's staring down sightlessly at the ground, and I almost think that she's stuck in a vision.
She looks up, though, when I freeze in place and my heart inevitably seizes in my chest (just over the fact that I see her, that we are alone, that it's Alice).
"I can't see you anymore," she mumbles absently, looking in my direction, but not at me. She looks past me- doesn't see me- never has. I force my legs to move forward, past her, towards the woods where I can race towards the safety of home. "Wait," she says, louder, pushing off the wall. "Can we please talk?"
"I don't want to talk to you," I say evenly.
"Wait," she pleads, and I don't dare look at her, but I can hear her hurry closer. "Just- please stop- can you please just stop?!" She catches my arm, swinging me around, and fury pierces through my fingertips- aches in my clenched jaw. "We need to talk."
"I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to," I snarl, only… it sounds weak. Human. I'm angry, furious, but the shaking in my hands only comes from me. This anger is only mine, not the cat's; it has abandoned me in this.
Alice's expression, that was the twisted in confusion and conflict, melts into something…unrecognizable. It's enough to give me pause, but not for long.
"Oh, grow up," she snaps, sad eyes melting into angry black pits as she yanks her hand away again.
"Excuse-" I start, incensed, but she surprises me again by cutting me off.
"I said, grow up!" she snarls, teeth bared and suddenly looking very much like a vampire. I take a shuffled half-step back- a long forgotten, human, primal, gut, instinct. "I made a mistake. One mistake, a bad one, and I've paid for it- you keep making me pay for it. My best friend almost killed you, and I listened to Edward's lies, and I left thinking it would protect you. I hurt you, I understand, but get over it!"
"You-"
Her hands fly to her hair, gripping it hard, and I can literally hear her teeth grinding as she turns away from me. It's bafflement and a bit of horror that keeps my feet planted. I've never seen Alice anything but…put together and sure of herself
"I can't take this!" she hisses at the ground. "I made just one, bad, mistake, but I can't take these games! Either let me in or keep me out- you can't just keep yanking me back and forth like this. I made a mistake, but I don't deserve this," she spits, looking up at me through her imperfect hair. "My heart can't take it."
All of my anger, my indignation, melts out the bottoms of my feet, just leaving me empty and confused.
"Alice," I sigh, feeling very alone without my cat's opinion bursting in and trying to engulf my own. Then again, feeling nothing is a form of its own glaring opinion. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You coming to me at night," she growls, "and then ignoring me, avoiding me, at school. Just make up your mind- you can't have both!"
Alarm. Big time, neon red, flashing, 'oh no' alarm. I stumble a few steps backward, mind racing, trying to make it make sense.
I've been wearing my restraints every night, and every morning I wake up still in them. There's no way… I can't have…
Oh, Alice. How cruel I must seem. "I'm sorry," I utter, lowering my eyes in a submissive way. "Okay... Okay, we can talk."
"I'm just…" Alice sighs, almost looking human in all her imperfections, but never more beautiful. "What do you want from me, Bella?"
"I don't know," I mumble, but a little voice in the back of my head answers 'everything.'
She straightens, shoulders becoming like marble as her hands drop to her sides. "Why are you doing this?"
"I'm- I'm not," I flounder. "It's not…" I huff, taking a deep breath as my mind spirals. "The beast, the cat, the.. thing inside me… really likes you. It feels like my skin is on fire every moment of the day because all it wants is out and to get to you, and it takes all of my consciousness to keep it controlled. But when I sleep, nothing is resisting it and it kind of takes over. I thought I handled it, though- I've been locking myself up! I'm really sorry, Alice… I didn't know I've been going to you."
"Oh," she says softly, eyes losing their resolved light as she lowers them. "So nothing's-"
"-But you are right," I choke out. "You…made one mistake. In my head it's just you- over and over again, leaving me behind, but it's not. Jacob did the same thing, but I forgave him. I guess I've always wondered why, me, why out of anyone, your family, Edward, you, you would want me."
"And it's like Edward confirmed every single one of your insecurities on his way out. Why would you question his words? Damn it, Edward," she suddenly curses, clenching her fists, and my eyes widen at the swear passing her lips. I've never heard Alice curse before. Then again, I've never seen Alice angry, or unkempt, and she's been all of those in the time we have been talking today.
She turns her onyx gaze to me imploringly. "I wish you can see yourself the way I see you. The way I've always seen you."
It suddenly becomes hard to swallow again. My heart rockets erratically in my chest, and I just want it to stop and to never end.
"An idiotic and infuriating human?" I suggest weakly, trying to make light of it so I can just breathe, but it only gets harder when Alice steps closer and grasps my hand. It's colder than I remember, and it's been so long since I last felt it in mine. War and peace break out in my chest all at once and I don't know what to do other than let myself drown in her gaze.
"Special," she says reverently. "You are kind and cruel, and selfless and selfish, so observant and yet completely oblivious, beautiful, and you are special. My family and I have been stuck in the same monotonous routine for so long. I see you, Bella. I didn't need a vision the first time we met to know that you were going to change everything. I just didn't know how. I still don't."
The words, the talking, the emotion in her voice and expression, all help. Something in me starts to stitch back together, but there is still hurt- still fear. It is her leaving (her whole family) that brought about this whole rage and tantrums and abandonment issues.
Grow up.
I'm surrounded by people who have lived entire lifetimes- several lifetimes for many of them. How silly I must seem to them. How human- even now.
"So, what now?" I rasp. It sounds like I've swallowed gravel, maybe glass. "Where do we go from here?"
Alice stares at me for a moment, looking as lost as I feel. "I don't know," she finally utters. "That's up for you to decide. But I'll promise you this… I'll be here."
My fingers flex around her hand, and for the first time since I've known her, hers is almost warm, captured in mine.
Oh, how I've missed her. I've missed all of them. I wish I could just go back to the way things were- keep the good, get rid of the bad- but that's a childish thought, too. If I ever want to have them back in my life (and I do more than I ever let myself contemplate), then I have a lot of growing up to do.
"I think I know what I want, now," I mumble, staring down at her pale hand.
"What's that?" Alice prompts softly when I don't continue. I search for what to say, what would be mature, what would be the right direction in fixing everything that's wrong between us. So much has been said, but there is still a lot left up in the air. Now is not the time: I know it.
"For now, let's go with a 'hello' at school," I decide. "A 'hello' and, 'would you like to spend lunch with me and my pride?'"
When Alice's hand trembles, I look up into her brilliant, hopeful, smile, and my throat vibrates with a purr.
"I'd love to," she says, and it's such a small thing, but another small crack heals over. Maybe in time, I can be whole. Now I just need to figure out what to do about my dad. I wonder what he'd do if I showed him what I am by just shifting in the living room?
END
A/N: So I've decided to just bring this story to an end. I might do some bonus chapters and, maybe in the future (not likely anytime soon) I might pick it up again and add a bad guy or something, but not right now. I keep looking back on it and it just keeps looking like it was something I started when I was 15 (which it kind of is). I had pretty much no plan going into this story so I think this is as good a place as any.
It even has a nice big ambiguous ending. I like those a lot- keeps it open for possibilities.
Anyway, please review and let me know what you think. Again, possible bonus chapters depending on the randomness that is inspiration.
~Silver~