Total Drama Pahkitew Island Reordered
Chapter 1: So, uh, this is my team?
Hello, fanfiction readers! I'm sure you all heard the good news: Total Drama has finally been renewed! After a seven-year hiatus, our favorite show had finally been revived! In celebration, I decided to release the first chapter of my TDPI rewrite! Enjoy!
"Welcome, Total Drama fans!" Chris McLean greeted. "Put on some clean undies! Because things are about to get wild! Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fourteen spanking-new contestants! And a totally brand new location: a Cree island in western Canada!"
The camera zoomed out to reveal a beautiful island with hills, mountains, woodlands, plains, and cliffs.
"As you might recall from our Total Drama All-Stars finale, our island was accidentally destroyed! Due to circumstances outside my control, of course!"
A brief clip of Camp Wawanakwa sinking into the ocean was seen, followed by shots of the new island. They included the new elimination area, a waterfall, a cave, and a pond.
"So this is where we landed! No cabins, no showers, no hotels, no hot tubs! The only things we managed to save were the outhouse confessional and the peanut gallery. The campers will have to build their own shelters, forage for food, and bathe in the lake! It'll be the roughest roughing it that's ever been roughed on Total Drama! So buckle up! This is Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
After the theme song plays, we cut to the McLean Mobile Air Command Center 2.0. It wasn't as long as the original version, which had also sunk into Lake Wawanakwa. It was also much shabbier than the original. After all, only the worst for Chris's beloved contestants, right?
Within the cabin sat fourteen teenagers; seven girls and seven guys. They were a much more eccentric group than the previous two generations with a couple of exceptions.
A Cree girl with short black hair was among them. She wore a pale yellow shirt with a purple stripe, black pants, a purple beaded necklace, and orange feather earrings. She was one of the more normal-looking players. This was Sky.
To her left sat a girl with ivory skin and ebony hair. She was dressed in a pink skirt and blouse that made her look like a Disney Princess. Indeed, with a pink hairband bow in her hair, she bore a strong resemblance to Snow White. This was Ella.
Ella hummed merrily with her eyes closed. Sky sat nervously as the cabin of the zeppelin shook slightly. It did not seem safe. She pulled out a stick of gum. She was about to offer it to Ella but decided not to disturb her. She turned to her right.
Sitting next to her was a short but stout boy. He had gray skin and purple hair. He wore a jumpsuit slightly darker than his skin. This was Max.
"Want some gum?" Sky offered.
"Your offer of simple confectionary will not save you from the pure evil of me!" Max boasted. "But yes, thank you!"
Max took a stick of gum and tossed it into his mouth. He gagged and hacked and spat it out.
"Cinnamon! There is no need for you to be so spicy!"
Over on the other side of the cabin sat an Indian boy who chuckled at Max's antics. He was dressed in a pale yellow shirt, a teal vest, black pants, and sneakers. This was Dave.
"That guy's a little weird…" Dave trailed off, for an equally bizarre boy had just appeared right next to him. He was black, tall, wore a green robe, a fake gray beard, and was brandishing a wand. This was Leonard.
"Expelliarmus!" Leonard cried in a high nasally voice. Dave cast him a puzzled, uncomfortable glance. "I know many spells to ward off evil!" the wizard clarified.
"Um, good?" said Dave, smiling weakly. Ella sensed Dave's discomfort and skipped over to him.
"Cheer up, my good sir!" she greeted kindly. "There's nothing that can't be made sweeter with a song. Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah!"
"Is it Halloween or something?" Dave muttered.
Ella tiptoed across the cabin, singing like Disney Princess. She passed a pair of identical twin girls who smiled at her. The twins had platinum blonde hair, wore red cheerleader outfits. One of them had a beauty mark on her right cheek. This was Amy. The other was Sammy.
Ella also passed an overweight black boy with an enormous afro and beard. He wore a gray shirt that looked like it hadn't been washed in a while and black suspenders. This was Beardo.
Beardo started beatboxing in a high falsetto much to the twins' disgust.
"Ugh!" cried Amy. "Switch seats with me! Now!"
Sammy sighed sadly and obeyed her. Unfortunately for Amy, she found that this spot was no better, as it placed her next to the scariest contestant on the plane. She was seven and a half feet tall, black, and dressed in tan wilderness survival garb. This was Jasmine.
"Giant!" Amy gasped.
"Are you and I gonna have a problem?" Jasmine asked, slightly offended
"Switch back! Now!" Amy demanded of her sister.
Meanwhile, a handsome boy with bronze hair was running around the cabin. His shirt and pants were the same colors as Chris McLean's typical outfit. This was Topher.
"Chris! Yo! Chris?" he called out. He ran over to the other end of the cabin, where an obese girl with curly blonde hair stood, filing her nails. She wore a pink top and blue jeans. This was Sugar.
"Chris has gotta be around here somewhere! Anyone seen Chris?" Topher cried desperately. He turned to Sugar. "You seen Chris?"
Sugar, annoyed with him, seized Topher by the throat and pinned him against the wall.
"Stop yer fidgetin'!" she snapped. "You scuff mah pageant shoes and I'll toss ya out the windah! You'll be squashed flat in two minutes!"
Right next to them was a nerdy girl reading from a book. She had red hair, tied up in a bun, and bright green eyes. She wore glasses, a yellow sweater, a teal skirt, knee-high stockings, and black Mary-janes. This was Scarlett.
Slightly irked by the inaccuracy of Sugar's threat, Scarlett walked up to her and corrected her.
"Actually, in the first fourteen seconds he would fall eighteen-hundred feet, but then he would reach terminal velocity and drop a hundred-seventy-six feet per second. So if we're flying at the recommended thirty-two-thousand feet, he would hit the ground in three minutes and six seconds."
Over in the corner sat the last two contestants. One was a large boy with orange hair and beady eyes. He wore a white shirt and blue overalls. This was Rodney. He listened to Scarlett with great intrigue.
To his right sat a boy with shaggy, dirty blonde hair, unshaven stubble, and a skinny frame. He wore a white sweatshirt, an orange vest, and a toque. This was Shawn. He was currently asleep.
"Wow! That girl has some real brains on her, huh?" Rodney told Shawn, unaware that he was asleep.
"Brains?!" cried Shawn, startled awake. "Whose brains?! Nobody's getting my brain!" Shawn curled into a ball, his arms over his scalp protectively. He fidgeted violently.
Suddenly, the weather outside took a turn for the worse. Thunder sounded and lightning flashed. An alarm started blaring and the aircraft started vibrating uncomfortably.
"Hang on!" cried Chef Hatcher over the intercom. "This might get hairy!"
And it did. The aircraft was now shaking and the cabin seemed to be falling apart. Nearly everyone backed up against the wall or clung to their seats. Shawn was still protecting his scalp and fell off his seat. Sugar let out a shriek of terror. Ella crawled around the cabin letting out a bizarre noise that sounded as though she were singing and screaming at the same time.
There was a flash of lightning. The contestants were all blinded for a split-second. Chris McLean was standing in the middle of the cabin, seemingly having appeared out of thin air.
"Hello, newbies!" he greeted condescendingly. "Ready for some fun?"
"Yes!" cried Ella and Topher excitedly, running up to Chris. The host was evidently not expecting this kind of enthusiasm.
"Huh. A couple of keeners. I'm sure a little pain and starvation will fix that." Chris walked away from Ella and Topher, who both became slightly crestfallen.
"Let's get started." said Chris walking, to the center of the craft. "This aircraft sucks! And is equipped with two emergency exits: here and at the end of the cabin! At said exits, you will find parachute packs to use in case of an emergency. But choose wisely! Only half of them contain actual parachutes. The others contain surprises that will be utterly useless while falling from the sky!"
"Um, why are you telling us this right now?" Dave asked.
"Because you all need to be prepared in case of an emergency. Like this!" Chris pulled out a remote control and hit a red button.
KABOOM!
The zeppelin's engines exploded. The contestants onboard screamed and scrambled to the nearest exit. They all frantically grabbed their luggage and a parachute pack. There was no time to check if it was good or not. They all hopped out of the falling aircraft, with Topher being the last.
"This is great!" He complimented a surprisingly calm and happy Chris. "You've outdone yourself, Chris! Parachute?"
"Oh, no thanks!" said Chris. "I'm not actually here. This is just a hologram!"
"What?!" cried Chef. "Why ain't I a hologram?!" he stuck his finger through Chris's head. Sure enough, it shimmered and phased. "ABANDON SHIP!"
Chef grabbed the pack Topher had offered to Chris and the two finally jumped out.
Everyone screamed and free-fell for a moment before finally regaining enough of their senses to activate their packs.
"The koala goes cluck to the platypus for luck!" Jasmine cried. She pulled the cord on her pack, but no parachute came out. Instead, a live chicken and a couple of eggs popped out. "Oh, bloody hell!"
Beardo was the next to test his luck. He was considerably luckier than Jasmine, as a fully functional parachute popped out and slowed his descent.
"DING-DING-DING!" Beardo cried victoriously.
The twins held onto each other as they fell. Sammy pulled her cord first. Three live cats came out.
"Oh, just my luck!" Sammy moaned.
"Oh, I'll miss you, sis!" Amy crooned. "Not much but… (Giggles) Probably not at all! Later!" Amy pulled her cord, but all she got were trophies and tiaras. She shrieked in terror. "Samey! Save me!"
Sky pulled her cord and received a parachute.
"Alright!" she cried.
Sugar also received a parachute.
"YEE-HAW!" she celebrated.
Dave also received a parachute.
"Yes!" he exclaimed.
Topher did not receive a parachute. Instead, he opened this pack and a cluster of chicken feathers spilled out.
"Feathers!" Topher cried, pretending to laugh. "Good one, Chris! Absolutely hilarious, but… please help me! I'm too handsome to die!"
Leonard was also fortunate enough to receive a parachute.
"Stupendous!" he cried. "My good luck charm worked!"
Chef pulled his cord only for pizza and steak to fall out.
"Oh, that's just wrong!" he grumbled.
Rodney received a couple of tambourines.
"Oh no!" he muttered.
Ella received a parachute.
"Hooray! I am safe!" Ella cried. Just then, a little robin came up to her. "Hello there! Care for a song?"
The birder twittered in response. Ella grabbed a tambourine and began to sing.
"I'm falling on a sunny, sunny day! Hit the ground, I just may!"
Above her, Scarlett pulled the cord and out popped a teddy bear with its own parachute.
"Insult to injury." she deadpanned. "Such disgusting irony."
Shawn was blessed with a parachute.
"Ha-ha! Nice!" he cried. Suddenly, the twins call falling by him. He reached out and caught Sammy under her arms. "Gotcha!"
"Ha! Thanks!" Sammy cried.
"Help me!" Amy cried indignantly. Unfortunately, Shawn's hands were full. Leonard, however, seemed to be free.
"Fear not! I'll slow your descent! Aresto Memento!" he cried, pointing his wand. Nothing happened. Amy kept falling, picking up speed. Leonard smacked himself. "Oh, me and my habit of rhyming! I keep forgetting, it's Aresto Momentum!"
Max opened his parachute and was rewarded with hot dogs.
"Oh! Frankfurters! Yummerly!" Max grabbed a wiener and started gnawing on it.
The contestants were now approaching the ground.
"And here they come now!" Chris announced from the beach.
Chef, Rodney, Amy, Scarlett, and Topher were lucky enough to land in the water. Shawn and Sammy were the first to land on the beach.
"Oh-em-gee!" Sammy cried, out of breath. "Thanks again!"
"Don't mention it." said Shawn.
Dave, Sky, and Ella also landed on the beach, looking quite proud of themselves. Leonard landed in the water. Jasmine swung a rope toward a nearby tree, grappled onto it, and flung herself into the water. Beardo landed right next to Chris and mimicked the sound of an electric guitar, much to Chris's surprise and slight annoyance.
"You could have at least given me one of the parachutes!" Chef yelled after emerging from the water. He was covered in claw and talon scratches.
"Shoulda, coulda, woulda! Didn't! Oops!" Chris responded. "But you're right! And I forgive you! Let's see…" Chris started mumbling as he began to count his new campers. "Huh! Only two missing! Not too shabby!"
"Uh, Chris, man?" said Chef, pointing to a Max-shaped crater in the beach surrounded by hot dogs. Chris burst out laughing as Rodney pulled a broken-looking Max out of the crater.
"Revenge…" Max muttered weakly.
Meanwhile, Sugar had got caught in the trees.
"Hey, let go of me, ya dang tree! That ain't no way to treat a pageant queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!" She unexpectedly came loose and fell to the ground.
We then cut to the beach where all the contestants have lined up on either side of Chris.
"Welcome to Pahkitew Island!" Chris greeted. "On the right, those that received useless junk! Scarlett, Topher, Rodney, Jasmine, Max, Amy, and Samey!
"Uh, it's Sammy..." the twin corrected.
"Amy says everyone calls you Samey!" said Chris.
"Well, yes, but-"
"Because you're the second twin? The lesser Amy?"
"But my real name is-"
"You're officially Samey!" Chris barked, his tone final. Sammy let out a depressed sigh.
Confessional: Sammy
"This is so unfair! I auditioned for Total Drama to get away from Amy. Now I'm on the same team as her! I wish I'd gotten a parachute! Or that she did!"
End Confessional
"Your team is the Pimâpotew Kinosewak! Which is Cree for Soaring Eagles!"
The team celebrated, except for Sammy.
"Um, excuse me, but's that's incorrect!" called Sky. "That means-"
"Hey! Host talking! Don't interrupt!" Chris snapped.
"Yeah, don't be rude!" cried Topher. Sky flinched.
"Those who received parachutes!" Chris turned to the other team. "Shawn, Leonard, Ella, Dave, Beardo, Sky, and Sugar! Your team is the Waneyihtam Maskwak! Which, in Cree, means Ferocious Tigers!"
Beardo roared like a tiger. His team cringed.
Confessional: Sky
"Chris really needs to work on his Cree. Pimâpotew Kinosewak actually means floating salmon. And Waneyihtam Maskwak means confused bears. Oh well. Soaring Eagles and Ferocious Tigers are way cooler, anyway."
End Confessional
"Anywho! Seeing as there's nowhere for any of you to sleep tonight, we figured your first challenge should be… to build your own shelter!"
"Ah, poopy pants! I'm too tired for that!" Sugar whined. She sat down on a rock.
TOOT!
A loud fart noise came from Sugar's direction. Sugar shot up in embarrassment. Her team shot her looks of disgust, save for Beardo, who looked amused.
"That was not me!" Sugar said defensively. "A pageant queen never farts unless it is her talent! But there be more to it. Maybe she'd play a flute or-"
"Hey! Farticus Maximus! I was talking!" Chris yelled. "You can change your pants after I'm done!"
Chris led the campers on a ten-minute walk to a junkyard. Chris hopped to the top of the nearest pile.
"Each team may take supplies from the common area before they begin to build! But! These supplies are guarded by Chef Hatchet, armed with a powerful tennis ball blaster!"
Over on a large stone stood Chef wielding what looked like a minigun with a case of tennis balls on top.
"A glancing blow will sting!" said Chris informatively. Chef fired off a shot that struck Dave's cheek.
"OW!" he cried. Sky gasped. "I'm okay!"
"And a direct hit can take you right to the ground!"
Max was hit in the stomach. He let out a yell of pain and collapsed.
"Can someone please help that little boy to his feet?" Chris requested. Rodney picked Max up, but the supervillain just fell to the ground again. "Good enough. On with the challenge! Team Maskwak will build their shelter further inland. Team Kinosewak, towards the beach! Your luggage had already been taken there. Best shelter, according to me, wins the challenge! Begin!"
HONK!
Chris blared an air horn and Chef started bombarding the campers with tennis balls. The campers all screamed.
"Tigers, follow me!" cried Sky. The rest of her team obeyed her.
"Move, Eagles, move!" Jasmine cried. Rodney picked up Max and followed the rest of the Soaring Eagles to a hiding spot at the edge of the woods.
"Here's the plan!" said Jasmine.
"Listen up! We-" said Rodney at the same time. The two attempted to talk over each other.
"Three of us should-"
"We should grab-"
"Can you just listen?!"
"What are you doing?"
Confessional: Rodney
"Back on the farm, it's always been me, my dad, and my five little brothers. I'm kinda used to being in charge."
End Confessional
"Just listen to the plan!" said Jasmine, seizing Rodney by the collar. "We need to decide which items are important and make sure to get them! Got it?"
"We'll do it your way!" said Rodney, a love-struck look crossing his face. "It's never wrong to let love be your guide!"
Jasmine recoiled. The rest of the team cast him awkward looks.
Meanwhile, the Ferocious Tigers took shelter behind the rocks. Chef was firing upon them. Once the big guy let up a little. Sky spoke.
"One pass each!" Sky instructed. "Grab something good and make your way back here!"
"Sounds good to me!" said Dave, supportively.
"Right. Okay, who's first?"
"I'll go! I've been training for the zombie apocalypse!" said Shawn. And he leapt out as soon as Chef let up.
"Zombies?" Dave muttered, confused.
Meanwhile, Jasmine was giving instructions to the Eagles.
"The wood is the most important resource out there so I'd prioritize…" Jasmine stopped when Scarlett raised her hand quietly. "If you have something to say, Scarlett, just bark it out."
"Um, no…" Scarlett said shyly. "But the wheelbarrow is more important than the wood because... it's a class-two lever and with the wheel acting as a fulcrum we can-"
"We can carry-" Sammy began.
"Carry stuff in it!" Amy interrupted. "My idea! Mine!"
"Nice, girls!" Jasmine complimented. "You two help Rodney load the wood into the wheelbarrow and go! That alright, mate?"
"Anything for you, my beloved rose petal!" said Rodney, puckering up. Jasmine flinched.
"Argh! Move it, loverboy!" Amy demanded, grabbing hold of Rodney's ear and dragging him out.
Confessional: Rodney
"I just don't get it. When I'm on a team of all guys, I'm large and in charge! But when there's girls around, I just make a total fool of myself! What is wrong with me?!"
End Confessional
Meanwhile, Shawn had jumped into the fray. Chef fired upon him, but he was impressively swift and agile. He jumped, ducked, darted, and dodged out of the way. He was on his toes, but he managed to evade every single shot. He grabbed the first item he could and backflipped back his team's hiding spot. His teammates were all impressed.
"Way to go, Shawn!" Sky cried.
"How'd you do that?" Dave asked.
"In my mind, I'm always running from zombies! And if you're not, you're crazy!" Shawn replied. Dave frowned in confusion.
"What?" he asked. Shawn ignored him.
"Anyway, I got a can of soup!" Shawn held up his prize for all to see. And then he frowned in disappointment. "Cream of Broccoli? Awwwww!"
"Soup? You grabbed soup?!" Dave exclaimed incredulously. "We can't build a house out of soup!"
"Sure we can!" said Leonard. "I once built a castle using nothing but a sunflower and the eyelash of a dragon!"
Sugar, Ella, and Beardo were in awe.
"There's no way we can lose!" Sugar proclaimed. "We have a wizard on our team!"
"Alright! Who's next?" Sky asked.
"Oh, me! Me!" Ella cried excitedly.
Meanwhile, Amy was using Sammy as a human shield rather than gathering lumber, as Jasmine had instructed.
"Oop! Ow! Ow! Ooo hghhng oo owow! Oo ow hghg oo!" Sammy cried as Chef pelted her.
"Okay, stop that yelping!" Amy demanded. "You're making yourself look weak!
Rodney deposited an armful of 2x4 boards into the wheelbarrow, scooped up the twins, and ran back to the Soaring Eagles' hiding spot.
"I'm going for the rope!" Jasmine declared. "Everyone else, bring something good! Hi-yaaaaaaaaaaa!" She leapt gracefully into the fray.
"Like my face?" Topher asked. Scarlett and Max followed Jasmine out, while Topher went up behind the ledge from which Chef was shooting and Chris was standing.
"Hey, Chris!" he greeted, climbing up. "You're going to throw to a commercial soon, right?"
"Um, why do you ask, Topher?" Chris asked.
"Well, it's always been a little dream of mine to watch you work! Live!" Topher explained excitedly. Chris smiled, flattered. Chef rolled his eyes.
"Well, who am I to deny the dreams of such an intelligent young man?" said Chris. "Pardon me a moment." Chris turned to the camera.
"Building supplies are being collected! Team Kinosewak is doing a very wood job! While Team Maskwak is looking soupid! You don't wanna miss any of this here! On Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
"Bravo! Encore! Brilliant!" Topher gushed.
"I like this kid!"
After the commercial break…
"We're back!" Chris announced. "The players are moving, the Chef is shooting, pick your favorite team, and start rooting!"
Topher gave an exaggerated laugh.
"So funny! Love it!"
"Thank you!" said Chris. "But now, it's time to get you back into the action!"
"Okay, I WAAAAAAUGH!" Chef grabbed Topher and held him above his head. He then threw the boy fifty feet back into the junkyard. He landed painfully at Jasmine's feet. The tall girl ignored him and ran back to her hiding spot.
Ella was singing and dancing as she looked for supplies. A trio of birds followed her.
"Well, a house is a home and a home is a house!" she sang. The birds twittered. "This is not a dress! It's a skirt and a blouse!"
"Is she singing?" Chris asked, puzzled.
Confessional: Ella (Surrounded by birds, squirrels, a rabbit, a raccoon, and a fawn)
"I've been watching Total Drama since the beginning, but I was a huge fan of Total Drama World Tour! I have all the songs memorized! And just because we don't have to sing anymore, doesn't mean we can't sing!"
End Confessional
Chef fired at Ella, but she daintily danced out of the way. Chef managed to hit the birds that were following her, though. Eventually, she came across two great finds. She gasped happily.
"Good news!" she cried. "I found a bucket of glitter!"
"Marvelous!" Leonard cried.
"No! Not marvelous!" Dave rebutted. "Glitter? Is she out of her mind?"
"She must be!" said Sugar. "'Cause it's obvious that glitter should be mine!"
"What?!" Dave cried.
"I also found cement!" cried Ella. "We can use that, right?"
"Finally!" Dave exclaimed, exasperated.
"Bring it!" Sky cried. Ella attempted to pick up the bag of cement, but it was impossibly heavy, as it was the same size as her.
"It's no use! It's too heavy!" she cried.
"Oh, you gotta be kidding!" Dave groaned.
"Dave! You draw Chef's fire while Beardo makes a run for the cement!" Sky commanded.
"DING-DING!" Beardo affirmed.
"Ready?"
"Um…"
"Go!" Sky shoved Dave out into the fray.
"Uh, hey!" Dave cried nervously. "Over here!"
Chef began to fire on Dave. He wasn't as agile as Shawn or graceful as Ella, but he did evade every shot.
"Okay, Beardo! Go!" Sky commanded.
With a surprising burst of speed, Beardo shot out onto the field, imitating the sound of a steam locomotive.
"CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WOO-WOO!" Beardo made the sound of a train whistle once he reached Ella. He grabbed the bag of cement in his right arm, flung Ella onto his shoulders, and charged back to the hiding place. "CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA!"
As the human soundboard passed the germaphobe, he scooped Dave under his left arm.
"CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WOO-WOO!" Beardo flung his prizes and teammates at the rest of the team, who cheered.
"Way to go, Beardo!" Sky cheered.
"Yeah, you da man!" Shawn cheered.
"My turn!" Sugar cried. She ran out and began rummaging through the junk pile, passing up many great finds in an effort to find another bucket of glitter.
"Come on!" she whined, holding up an old television over her head. "Ain't there another bucket of glitter, somewhere in this mess?!"
SMACK!
Sugar was nailed in the face by a tennis ball. This caused her to drop the TV onto her head. This caused her to tumble down the mountain of junk. This caused Chris and Chef to laugh hysterically and high-five.
Scarlett was pulling a wagon full of lumber and Max.
"Move faster, minion!" Max demanded, from the back of the wagon.
"Hay!" said Sugar, returning to her team with a bale of straw and a cluster of bruises on her cheek and arms.
"It's my turn!" said Leonard.
"Go get 'em, Mister Wizard!" Sugar cried with admiration in her eyes.
Leonard ran out and grabbed a pipe. He brandished it threateningly at Chef.
"Go back to the shadows of Wawanakwa!" he bellowed dramatically. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS- ARGH!"
Chef turned his gun on Leonard and annihilated him. Within ten seconds, Leonard had been struck by fifty tennis balls and fallen to the ground looking more broken than Max.
His team just stared at him in disappointment.
"Well, that was sad." said Dave.
"Oh, and you can do better?" Sugar challenged.
"Yes, I can! Sky! Come with me! I have an idea! You and I can…"
But Sky had already gone ahead. She weaved in and out of Chef's fire, grabbed a board, and swung it like a baseball bat. She hit one of the tennis balls, sending it careening into Chef's face.
SMACK!
Chef was struck in his right eye and was sent to the ground.
"Wowzers!" Chris commented. "That girl's got some skills, huh?"
"Come on, guys!" Sky called. "The coast is clear!"
The rest of the Ferocious Tigers ambled onto the field and began to search for supplies at their leisure.
Meanwhile, Scarlett had just noticed that the tennis balls had stopped flying.
"Max, look!" she cried. "Chef's gun is unattended!"
"Yeah? So what?" Max spat.
"You can seize it and use it against the other team! Wouldn't that be evil?"
"What a great idea! I'm glad I thought of it!" said Max running to the ledge. Max climbed to the top of the rock and took hold of the gun.
"Mwa-ha-ha!" Max bellowed. "Cower before me, fools! As I rain doom upon you! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"
Max shot at the Tigers, forcing them to duck for cover. His aim was terrible, but he did manage to hit Beardo once.
"Oh-ho-ho!" he cried out in pain, falling to the ground and covering his crotch.
"Six O'Clock!" Chris mocked.
Confessional: Max
"Every season of Total Drama needs a villain! The first season had Heather, the second had Justin- or was it Courtney? Whatever! The third had Alejandro, the fourth had Scott, and the fifth had Mal. But they are nothing! I am more evil, more clever, more diabolical than all six of them put together! Beware, contestants of Pahkitew Island! For I am Max! Hear me roar!"
End Confessional
"Yes! Suffer, fools, suffer!" Max cried, before he felt someone tapping his shoulder. He turned his head only to see Chef angrily seize him by the throat and toss him back into the fray. He landed at the feet of the Ferocious Tigers, most of whom glared angrily at him, especially Beardo. He smiled sheepishly.
HONK!
"IT'S BUILDING TIME!" Chris announced, after blaring the air horn. "Please leave the area and go to your designated building sites! You have four hours to complete your shelter!"
The teams grabbed their supplies and headed off.
"Phew!" Max breathed, relieved. "Saved by the bell. Let's see… an evil genius needs an evil lair to do his bidding…"
Max walked around the island for a while before he spotted a cave in the side of a mountain.
"This cave will be perfect!" he proclaimed, letting out an evil laugh. "To my lair!"
Max ran into the cave, only to run out seconds later screaming in fright. A colony of bats followed.
Confessional: Max
"It was really dark in there! I prefer something less spooky! No matter! Plenty of time to evil!"
End Confessional
Meanwhile, the rest of the Soaring Eagles were putting together a treehouse.
"Amy, Samey, unload the wood!" Jasmine ordered. "Topher, Scarlett, glue the boards! Rodney, help me with the support beams! Amy and Samey, faster! And where the bloody hell is Max?!"
The team shrugged and looked at Scarlett.
"Don't look at me!" she said defensively.
"You were the last one to talk to him." Topher said.
"Whatever! We don't need him!" said Amy. "And if we lose, we know who to vote off."
Suddenly, the air was pierced by the sound of heavy construction noises. The whirring of a power drill, the pounding of a jackhammer, the roar of a chainsaw, and many more came from the Tigers' building site.
"What are they building?" Sammy asked.
"Sounds pretty serious!" Rodney commented.
"All the more reasons to move your arses!" Jasmine snapped.
The Ferocious Tigers were not actually building anything at the moment. All the noises were coming from Beardo.
"Can you stop making sound effects, Beardo?" Dave asked. "It's starting to get annoying!"
Beardo made a record-scratching noise and then shut up.
"Okay, now that that's over with, what are we going to build?" Shawn asked.
"Well, we have rope, straw, cement, a hammer," said Sky, going over the team's inventory.
"Some very pretty glitter!" Ella added.
"And some soup! Huh? Huh?" Shawn finished.
"We shall build a Wizard's Tower!" Leonard proclaimed.
"Oh! Yes! I second that!" Ella exclaimed, raising her hand in support.
"Wizard says, Sugar does!" Sugar exclaimed, also raising her hand. "Who's with us?"
Beardo let out a slide whistle followed by a bell ringing, and raised his hand, forming a majority vote.
"Four votes for a wizard tower!" Sugar proclaimed victoriously. Dave, Sky, and Shawn seemed unsure about the proposition.
"Are we sure this is the best we-?" Dave started, but his attempt to question the idea was thwarted by Sky.
"Dave, the team voted! Building something is better than building nothing! We gotta hurry!" Sky reasoned, much to Dave's dismay. He narrowed his eyes and sat down in defeat. "What do we do first, Leonard?"
"First, we link arms and chant!" Leonard instructed. The team cheered, except for Dave.
"Really?!" he grumped.
Confessional: Dave
"So, uh, this is my team? A human soundboard, a Disney princess, a guy who believes in zombies, a guy who thinks he's a wizard, and Honey Boo-Boo? Man, all I need is to trade Sky for that supervillain guy, and then I'd be the only normal person on this team."
End Confessional
Meanwhile, Max had finally had showed up to his team's building site.
"Oy! Nice of you to finally show up, mate!" Jasmine greeted sarcastically.
"I have better things to do than to assist in making a dwelling unworthy of my evil!" Max spat. Jasmine threw a stack of wooden boards into Max's arms.
"Get to work!" she barked.
"Yes, ma'am!" Max said, timidly.
Meanwhile, with the Ferocious Tigers...
"Uh, nothing's happening!" said Shawn. The entire team had linked arms and started muttering nonsensical chants. Dave rolled his eyes in response to Shawn's observation.
"My spell isn't working, because someone here doesn't believe in me!" said Leonard defensively.
"Gee! I wonder who that could be!" Dave shouted, pouring as much sarcasm as he could into every word.
"I bet it's Ella!" said Sugar.
"Me?!" cried Ella. "No, it couldn't be!"
"Guys! Guys! Whatever we're doing is not working!" Sky reasoned. "Dave! Ella! Leonard! Start mixing the cement! Sugar! Shawn! Beardo! Help me collect and stack stones! We gotta hurry! We only have three and a half hours left!"
Three hours and thirty minutes later…
"Done!" Jasmine declared, hammering the final nail into what was a pretty respectable treehouse, big enough for seven people, complete with a small deck for which all team members were standing on, except for Max.
"This is nice!" Chris complimented, flying in with a jetpack. "And a smart move building it above ground level!"
"Oh yeah? And why is that?" Max asked arrogantly.
Suddenly the ground began to rumble. Topher and the twins let out startled yelps. Jasmine fell off the roof and was caught by Rodney, much to the former's annoyance and the latter's pleasure.
"Here comes your answer!" said Chris, as a stampede of moose came charging by. Max attempted to run but was trampled underfoot by two dozen or so moose. "This island is a little wilder than our last one!" Chris laughed.
Meanwhile…
Despite all the road bumps, the Ferocious Tigers had managed to build a wizard's tower. It stood about forty feet high. The midsection was held together by rope and cement. A straw roof had been placed at the top.
Beardo was celebrating the completion of the shelter by playing an imaginary trumpet, much to his team's irritation.
"Would you zip it already?!" Dave snapped. Beardo imitated the sound of a zipper closing and drew his fingers across his mouth. Dave sighed in frustration and turned to his shelter. "Well, we're doomed."
"But it's not done!" Leonard cried. "Ella?"
With a happy grin, Ella picked up her bucket of glitter only for it to be snatched out of her hands by Sugar.
"Leave this to the per-fessionals!" Sugar boasted arrogantly. She then recklessly tossed the glitter at the base of the tower. A bit of the glitter got in Dave's eyes and he turned away in irritation.
"Huh? Where's Shawn going?" he asked. The team turned to find Shawn walking off into the woods by himself.
Confessional: Shawn
"Spend the night with a bunch of strangers who could turn into zombies while I'm sleeping? Ha! No thank you!"
End Confessional
"Team Maskwak!" Chris greeted flying over the tower. "Wizard's tower, huh?"
The team smiled and nodded at Chris, except for you-know-who, who just sighed in shame.
"So, is it moose-proof?"
"Is it what-now?" Sky asked, slightly concerned. The team didn't have time to be confused, as the ground started rumbling. The pack of moose was approaching menacingly. Sky, Dave, Ella, Beardo, and Sugar ran into the woods for cover. Leonard curled up into a ball behind the tower. Beardo made alarm noises.
The moose pack passed the tower, but it stood firm. Once the last moose had gone, Leonard stood up, unharmed. His team sighed in relief.
"Huzzah!" Leonard cheered. "The beasts of Pahkitew Island are no match for my wizard's tower!" Leonard patted his creation affectionately. Coincidentally, the tower came apart at that moment.
"Force field!" Leonard cried, putting his hands up. The rest of the team cringed, believing that Leonard was a goner. Yet, when the dust cleared, Leonard standing in the same position completely unharmed.
"It worked!" he cried impressed. Just then, a rock the size of a bowling ball dropped on his head. "D'oh!"
A little while later, Chris gathered the teams to the meeting area. The Soaring Eagles sat on a log on the right, and the Ferocious Tigers sat on the left.
"Well, I'd like to say it a hard choice, but I'm an honest man!" said Chris. "Team Pimâpotew Kinosewak wins the challenge!"
The Soaring Eagles cheered. The Ferocious Tigers groaned.
"The winners of each challenge will be rewarded with a takeout order from a sponsoring restaurant!" said Chris. "This week, it's the Petting Zoo Barbeque! The Petting Zoo Barbeque: Someone else touched your dinner! We guarantee it!"
Chris handed Jasmine the menu for the Petting Zoo Barbeque and a notepad for them to take their orders.
"Team Waneyihtam Maskwak! Please go vote! One member of your team is going home tonight!"
The female Tigers moaned sadly while the males groaned indignantly.
"Oh, come on!" Shawn cried.
Elimination Ceremony: Waneyihtam Maskwak
The two teams were summoned to the elimination area, which was a nice open cliffside plane with a ramp leading down to what the campers assumed was the new Dock of Shame. It was a nice contrast to the rocky, claustrophobic pit at Camp Wawanakwa.
The Tigers sat down on the logs, stumps, and oil drums that acted as seats. Sky, Shawn, and Dave sat in the back. Ella, Leonard, Sugar, and Beardo sat in the front.
Meanwhile, the Eagles were seated in the peanut gallery, which had been recovered from the wreckage of Camp Wawanakwa. It showed clear signs of water damage but was still in useable condition. Amy, Sammy, Max, and Scarlett sat in the front, while Jasmine, Rodney, and Topher sat in the back.
"Welcome to the Pahkitew Island Elimination Area!" Chris greeted the campers. "This is where we determine who stays to play another day, and who gets a one-way ticket home!"
Confessional: Dave
"Let's see… Four people voted for the wizard tower… So can I vote for four people?"
Confessional: Leonard
"Curse you, Beardo! The cement you brought us was insufficient for my tower!"
Confessional: Beardo
"Boy-o! Today's challenge was a car crash!" (Imitates a car crash)
End Confessional
"Before we find out who's been eliminated, let's award our winners their meals!" said Chris.
Chef brought in seven paper bags with the Petting Zoo BBQ's logo on it. Each one had a different Soaring Eagle's name on it. Once Chef distributed the bags to the proper contestants, they dug in. The Tigers watched with jealous hunger.
"Ugh. My chicken is rubbery." Amy complained. She pushed her dish aside and swiped Sammy's meal. "Mm! Your beef looks good!"
"Ugh… fine…" said Sammy, reaching for Amy's chicken.
"Ah-ah-ah!" Amy cried, slapping Sammy's hand. "I might finish that."
"But what…" Sammy started before sighing in depression.
Just then Chris returned, after counting the ballots.
"The votes are in!" Chris declared, holding up a tray of six marshmallows. "If I toss you a marshmallow, you're safe!"
"Sky!"
"Shawn!"
"Dave!"
"Beardo!"
"And Sugar! You are safe!"
Chris tossed marshmallows to each of the named contestants, Sky let out a cheer. Beardo made the sound of Pac-Man eating a pellet. Ella looked startled. Leonard became nervous.
"Ella. You think you're a princess. And you spent more time singing and dancing than you did helping your team." Chris lectured.
"I did?" said Ella, shrinking.
"You did!" Sugar affirmed. Ella bowed her head, guiltily.
"Leonard! You think you're a wizard! And you convinced your team to build something idiotic, dumb, moronic, unintelligent, foolish, asinine, and most of all, stupid!" Chris lectured.
"Obliviate!" Leonard cried raising his wand. Nothing happened.
"Uh, yeah… Okay! The last marshmallow goes to…"
Ella put her hands to her chin in nervous anticipation. Leonard's lips trembled.
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"Ella!"
"Phew!" Ella sighed, greatly relieved.
"What?!" Leonard shouted, outraged.
"NO!" Sugar cried dramatically.
"Time for a vanishing act." said Dave, sighing in satisfaction.
"Magic boots and armpit smell! Bring forth a time-reversal spell!" Leonard cried. Nothing happened apart from the larper making himself look stupid.
"Nothing? So weird!" Chris joked.
"Fireball! Lightning bolt! Ice shard! …Dammit." Leonard hung his head in defeat.
"This island is called Pahkitew! Which is the Cree word for 'explosion.' So we figured this season's mode of transportation home, should be something with a bang! Everyone, follow me!"
The campers all cast worried looks at one another before following Chris down the ramp. There was no Dock of Shame. There was instead a large device covered in a sheet. Chef was waiting eagerly to unveil it.
"Without further ado!" Chris announced. "I give you the Boom of Abashmant! The Kablam of Chagrin! This season's humiliating way home: The Cannon of Shame!"
Chef threw the sheet off to reveal a giant cannon with red and white stripes. All fourteen contestants gasped, with one exception.
"Excellent!" Max complimented. "Your wickedness never fails to impress, Chris."
"Uh, yeah! What he said!" said Topher, though even he was looking scared.
"Thank you, boys!" said Chris.
Chef slapped an Evel Knievel helmet on top of Leonard's head and stuffed him into the cannon.
"Any final words, Leonard? Any final magic words?"
"Naw..." Leonard muttered.
"So long, Leonardo!" Chris proclaimed happily.
Kaboom!
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Everyone stared at Beardo, who grinned naughtily.
"Would you knock that off?!" Chris snapped. He pressed the button and fired Leonard out of the cannon.
KABOOM!
Leonard screamed as he soared through the sky, across the lake, and out of sight.
"I love you, wizard!" Sugar called, tearfully, as the rest of the campers watched him fly away in both awe and fear.
Chris turned to the camera.
"You know what's weird? I already don't miss him! Ha-ha! Oh well! That's one down and thirteen to go! Who's the next human cannonball? There are just too many good choices! Tune in and find out yourself, here on Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
Epilogue
The teams departed for their campsites. They said nothing until Chris had left, but once he was out of sight, they burst into conversation.
"A cannon! What a horrible way to go!" Sammy exclaimed.
"I know!" said Max. "Isn't it so wickedly marvelous?!"
"You won't be saying that when you're inside of it!" said Amy.
"At least it's not a giant toilet this time!" Dave commented.
"No kidding." said Sky. "Still, it does seem dangerous- Ella? Are you okay?"
Ella was looking at the ground as she walked. She hyperventilated as she looked up.
"I'm okay!" she said. "Just a little overwhelmed by almost going home in that scary cannon! I'm sorry for not being so much help!"
"Hey, don't worry about it!" said Sky kindly. "You just... goofed off a little. Just try to be a bit more focused and determined to win for us. Can you do that?"
"I can!" said Ella, gratefully. "You have my word!"
Votes
Beardo: Sugar
Dave: Leonard
Ella: Beardo
Leonard: Ella
Shawn: Leonard
Sky: Leonard
Sugar: Ella
Results
Leonard: 3 votes (Eliminated)
Ella: 2 votes
Sugar: 1 vote
Beardo: 1 vote
Rankings
14. Leonard
Author's note: And here we have the first episode of TDPI Reordered. I think we can all agree that Pahkitew Island was a flawed season. Take the elimination order. There were bad characters that lasted too long and good characters that didn't last long enough. Personally, I loved the first half but can agree that a few changes could have been made early on. Like for instance, the first boot. Many people were angry that Beardo was the canon first boot, though I personally didn't mind that. In fact, I actually read an AU story that kinda made me grateful he was the first boot. Kinda. But apparently, the guy really made an impression on a lot of people, and I had no qualms with switching him out for Leonard. That being said, I do understand why he was the first to leave in canon. They didn't do a good job of showing it, but he was lazy and didn't contribute. And one thing I forgot to point out in my one-shot, It Was Really Nice To Meet All Of You, was that while his sound effects were entertaining to us, the audience, they were annoying and distracting to his team. After all, we're there to be entertained, but the contestants are there to work and compete. I made sure to make Beardo less lazy, while still keeping his sound effect gimmick intact. I also thought it'd be fun to have Chris keep the original team names and to give the Waneyitam Maskwak the parachutes this time around.
And there we have it! The first chapter of my TDPI rewrite! I can't guarantee weekly updates like with Total Drama Island Recast, but don't worry! It'll be finished! Thank you for reading, and please review! Also, if anyone would like to PM me ideas for challenges suggested by potential semifinalists in Pahk'd With Talent apart from the three canon semifinalists, that would be much appreciated.