Once more, I do not own any of these creative licenses. Not Naruto, not Bleach, definitely none of the random references I make that belong to other works from the same mediums (and others). I'm just having fun and playing around.

Also, fun fact, I can steeple my fingers and clap my fingertips (my fingertips) together hard enough to make a sound. It was like playing five-finger filet in terms of precision and playing knuckles in terms of hurting oneself. I'm like… what? You probably are too.

Drive your index finger into your sternum. Please, don't hurt yourself. But if you hear that dull thump? Yeah, my fingers were doing like a sharper version of that and it was wild, doing this thing with my fingers? Mind absolutely blown.

Wait… what am I talking about? My fingers hurt.

Anyway. I'm updating again because I think I finally got past the hilarious block that I wrote myself into through lack of planning. Let me know what you think. Or don't. I really love to hear from people who have something to say, be it positive or negative; you can tear me apart, call me a fool, as long as it's proper criticism and not just being unhappy with where you think the story should go. You can also tell me I'm awesome. You can also just read it and not review; live your best life, I'm not here to judge you or tell you what to do.

I'm really not awesome, by the way. I'm like. "Cool", but only on a good day.

But hey, if you think that, you made me blush and like, that's cool, like, "hey stranger".

Alright, joking aside, giant AN aside, let's get it rolling.

"Out of curiosity; what came over you? I feel I caught but the tail end of what you were yelling, but it seemed rather… harsh."

"Oh, the Drill Sergeant bit."

"'Drill Sergeant'…?"

"Yeah, it was a rank that a samurai I knew held. Great guy, actually, one of those chew-dirt-and-spit-diamonds types but he was actually a giant softie. Loving husband, cute kids, spoiled them rotten, that kind of thing."

"And this Drill Sergeant fellow, he humiliated and threatened his subordinates? It seems counter-productive in terms of building morale or any kind of solid bond."

"Well you see - sort of, in his own way - he cared for them enough to want to make them all hard-bitten and prepared to take on the world. Like, if he was awful and a hellion, put them through their paces in the worst of ways, made training an absolute nightmare, then maybe they would be tough enough to make it through the worst of any given battle and not come out the other side of it a shaking mess. That kind of thing. Mostly I think he just got a kick out of it, but I really got the feeling he actually cared for his troops. At least, I'm pretty sure he did. Tough love, is the term? I think."

"I see... regardless, I must admit that I'm surprised you'd finally agreed to this meeting."

"What for? I told the first two that I'd be willing to talk with their boss."

"That's… now that you mention it, that is, in fact, a fair point."

"Out of curiosity… why couldn't you meet up with me when I requested it? Wait let me guess. It's a pretty good guess, too, I'm going to guess that it was paperwo-"

"You will not finish that sentence. The fact of the matter is that if every Plus that demanded my audience could meet with me then I wou-"

"Any Plus, huh? As I recall, you approached me first. You literally showed up, in person, at my doorstep. That was a long, long time ago, but I've had twenty-two different strangers hounding after me since then, so I've gotta ask: why did you want to make my acquaintance so badly?"

"….."

"Oh fuck me, you're another pervert, aren't you?"

"What?! I am not a perv-"

As the leader of the Onmitsukido (and hopefully the Second Division, given another two decades), Yoruichi believed herself to be incapable of being surprised. Her battalion was a subsect of a Division built around utilizing their stealth to gather intelligence upon and preemptively eliminate Hollows; the Onmitsukido, the subsect, were whispered about - absolutely feared -because they were the group sent after the criminal members of the Seireitei. They were trained specifically to not only eliminate the threat of a Hollow but also take apart a rogue Shinigami. They were trained to specifically combat other Shinigami. They were the "boogeymen" of the Seireitei that would track you down if you ever fucked up hard enough.

They were, currently, standing in a courtyard. They didn't have any trees or eaves or walls to hide behind. In fact, they were lined up in four-by-four squares like they were members of the Eleventh watching a blonde madman pace whilst stroking his chin. She would have demanded an explanation if it weren't for Yamamoto-taicho having told her to accept whatever their new "instructor" might do or say.

She had tried especially hard not to scoff at that term.

"Instructor".

She wasn't so proud that she'd deny that one man had dismantled her platoon. It was embarrassing, yes, but they'd been taken by surprise by a Plus that had presumably been without any form of extensive training himself. Capable of combating two lieutenants limited to a fraction of their power and being caught unawares fifty years ago, fine, but the Onmitsukido were made for this. The fact that he'd made a mockery of them had stung, but they wouldn't have been called if their target had been completely incapable of defending himself. If you wanted to join a combat squad, you could find any four other Divisions to join. The Onmitsukido were not combat-heavy. They specialized in information gathering. Made for assassination. Things like taking the lives of traitors and the malcontent while they slept without being caught. They were not trained for encountering a combat-heavy target in broad daylight, as was ordered; it just wasn't their purpose. They were not intended to subdue targets, they were meant to eliminate targets. Namely, without the target knowing.

At least, that's what Yoruichi told herself. They were effective. They (she) were clean. And if anyone (he) thought different then they (he) could eat shit. She didn't know who could have set up this weirdly-extended training exercise - because it had to be that, the fabricated reports by the ex-lieutenants, the insane combat ability of the target, his ability to avoid patrols, it had to be an exercise - but it had to have been arranged by somebody with political clout and influence. The Four Noble Clans… would make no sense, were it not for her connection to one of them.

And so the Clans (her father the first potential culprit among them) had elected to put a ringer within a test for the Onmitsukido that no one else within the Seireitei had known about. Sure, that isn't… no, it made sense. Naruto certainly hadn't been just a "member from the Districts", and she honestly wondered what favors her father must have cashed in to get the Sotaicho - the Yamamoto Shigekuni Genryusai - to allow the "test". It didn't make sense but what else would make sense, this blonde idiot was strong in a way she hadn't been able to define since she had seen the-

"Good morning, everyone! Is this everyone? I see four blocks, I'm pretty sure that's what I asked for. Could be wrong though. Hmm…" Naruto-sensei (-sensei) scratched at his chin from his place at the front of them, casting an apathetic gaze once more over the assembled members. Some of those members shifted uncomfortably, mumbling curses and casting baleful looks at the ground. The murmur did not go unnoticed.

"Oh?" Naruto-sensei arched an eyebrow, "it sounds like some of you might not be so cheerful on this fine morning of ours. Let me try this again." His lackadaisical manner disappeared, a nasty grin falling into place that stretched the scars on his cheeks to the absolute limit, giving him an entirely feral countenance. She might have been afraid again, if she were still buried neck-deep in the earth, but mostly she felt annoyed with the entire charade that the Sotaicho had forced upon her. And then he started yelling. Of course.

"Gooood morning my lovely batch of shit-stains!" One heel stomped the cobblestones beneath him, creating a loud clap of sound that echoed off of the retaining walls. Most amongst the ranks straightened immediately, but Yoruichi and, she was pleased to note, a few others within her range of vision - those positioned at the front of the blocks, the other leaders and front-runners of the Onmitsukido who had been on that mission - didn't budge from their less-than-attentive and more-than-combative postures.

She'd have to gather those same members together and hold a conference for how they'd go about handling this strange man leading up to the end of this test. Unless it had been an audition of sorts? That would be annoying; he could disappear within a crowd which, admittedly, Yoruichi would love to learn how to do, but he'd presented nothing else by way of his own skill set that wouldn't better belong in the Eleventh.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like training and ramen! I dislike the three minutes it takes to cook ramen! I-"

Someone within the second block of the Onmitsukido guffawed at his admission. Yoruichi couldn't see exactly who it was from her position at the head of the first block, but she'd heard it and thought that it sounded like Hidetatsu. Naruto disappeared from her vision and she heard a sharp crack. Someone gave a short cry, but was soon muffled by-

Naruto disappeared from her vision.

"Did I say something funny, shit-stain? Did I give you permission to speak? I have a very good memory for faces, and I seem to recall your stupid mug eating mud last week; did you forget about that?" Yoruichi turned halfway around, ready to rush to Hidetatsu's aid, was proud to see that a few others had done the same, when the pressure crashed in. Pressure like a Captain, pressure strong enough to prevent her from breathing, to freeze her limbs. Her choosing to turn around became her falling to a knee and struggling just to stay upright. She could see the blonde grinding his heel into the back of a now-prostrate Hidetatsu's head, cracks in the pavement spider-webbing out from where his face had been implanted, but she couldn't move.

He was so fast, how could anyone be that fast?

"Did I tell any of you to laugh or speak or move?" His head slowly rotated, blue eyes sweeping over the members who had done exactly that. There was a pregnant pause, the pressure neither increasing nor abating, and then, it disappeared altogether. Naruto-sensei cleared his throat, lifting his foot from the back of a prone head that didn't budge an inch even after it was gone. Straightening his red haori, he shuffled toward the front, stretching his neck to-and-fro as he went and earning a few pops for his efforts.

"Ahem. Now that we have that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, allow me to start again. My name is Uzumaki Naruto; I like training and ramen, I dislike the three minutes it takes to cook ramen, oh, and revenged-obsessed assholes that won't admit that you're awesome, and I love my wife, and my hobby is to garden, and I dislike stuffy traditions, and my dream-"

"Ahem, moving on… what changed your mind?"

"Changed my mind about what?"

"What changed your mind about assuming the role of an officer in the Seire- watch where you're spitting, boy!"

"A- an officer?! Who said anything about that?"

"It is the reason that I'm here! To offer you a Seat within your chosen Division! Did you think this was a social call?! Idiot boy, you've gone and soiled my favorite haori…"

"Favorite haori? Officer? Boy?! The hell are you on about now, you old coot, I'm at least as old as you are! And you can forget about joining some chain of command among samurai of all things, ha!"

"Old coot?! You'd best watch your address and explain, then, the 'lesson'! The 'first of many', as I recall? Why teach if you had no plans of joining the Seireitei?"

"You can stuff my address, you cane-walking mothe- alright, hey, stop hitting me with the- HEY. I can teach them without joining your pajama party! You samurai, always thinking you have to be 'a part of the clan' to impart some knowledge, well phooey on that! I'll have you know that my master passed on an entire wealth of knowledge to kids from a totally different Villag-"

"We do not wear pajamas, it is a uniform befit of our statio-"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night; in fact, that wasn't intentional, but I bet it does! I swear, you're worse than Chojuro with the etiquette shtick. Fine, fine! I have no current plans to join your… whatever the hell elitist bullshit you have going on beyond that Wall. Don't give me that look! I've seen diplomats from Iwa treat orphans from Kusa better than I've seen you Shinigami treat the members of the outer district! You're two steps short of being bullies on a television drama!"

"Will you quit making up words! What is a 'television'? Iwa? Kusa? And who the hell is Chojuro? Forget that, just join the Seireitei, you would be a boon to us all, you have an immense amount of strength that could be better utilized under our banner. What other reason could you possibly have for-?"

"They're embarrassing! That's why!"

"… who?"

"The crowd that I just buried. Literally. They're embarrassing; I'll admit I was distracted and didn't notice them at first but I also didn't think anyone played the Game here. Or at least tried to, cripes but they're piss-poor at the thing, my great-grandson could have set a better ambush."

"… I really will need to adjust to the fact that you are able to recall your time amongst the living. So then, what makes them 'embarrassing' and how do you plan on fixing it if you're not a member of the Seireitei?"

"- is a moot point now that I'm dead." Naruto noted a number of shocked expressions at that admission. He then made it a point to remember those expressive faces - many were most likely still recovering from his burst of killing intent, but the ones who had caught his implication were those that he wanted to keep a close eye upon.

My close eye… is that my right or my left? Right then left, left then right, I close both of my eyes, aha!

Shaking his head, Naruto continued, "I have a list of names that I didn't bother to memorize sitting upon the desk in my new office. Why? Because I don't know that all of you will be worth remembering." That was a lie, he had plans of further recruitment, but he wanted first to develop a core group that wouldn't be so… So lame.

And this collection of misfits was that group; they wouldn't ever fail out of a program, any slackers would just be put through that much more work. Because he'd already spent the time to select them and, well… in truth? It was putting a real cramp in his style, watching samurai pretend at being shinobi, even if this group was showing the potential to be more than that. He could and would fix that using the training methods he'd developed within his own squad during a particular four-eight-nine-twenty (wait when am I?) years of his illustrious career.

"So I'm going to pick one of you from each of these four blocks. You'll assemble before me without your swords and you're going to spar, three-on-three. No jutsu, no weapons, anything else goes. I would like to see where everyone stands in terms of physical capability." Many of the gathered members appeared to be taken aback, one woman being so bold as to raise her hand.

"Uhh yes, you, did you have a question?" She visibly gulped before answering. A newbie? He hadn't used that much killing intent, no one should be nervous. What constituted a newbie in this wild world that shinobi didn't really exist in? More importantly, who served lunch here? Would he have to cook for himself? He could, but he'd prefer to find a local kitchen and raid it. As a matter of fact he could just-

"Naruto-taicho? What's a jutsu?"

Naruto felt incredibly proud of himself for resisting the urge to slam his head into his own palm. Who didn't know what a jutsu was? Wait they used a different term in the Pure World, it was… not worth remembering, frankly it was incredibly limiting and not worth remembering. But he should probably remember the nomenclature if he wanted to be effective, he just couldn't remember the damn word.

"Uhh. What's the name? I don't know the name. Okay, it's not jutsu, it's something else. Just don't create a vacuum or set up a barrier or shoot lightning or something. Actually don't ever use lightning. Actually, lightning techniques are great, more effective than a number of things for cutting through armored targets. Just don't use them around me. The lightning techniques. And definitely zero techniques in the spar."

The nameless trainee lowered her hand hesitantly, but spoke up once more, "so… no Hado during the spar and don't use any that resemble lightning, but only if you're around?"

"Hey, 'Hado', that's it! Alright you, you, you, yo-"

"Well that's where I'm wanting to ask a favor of you. I think that the results might repay the favor outright; that being said, because I am asking a favor of you, should the repayment I believe to be substantial in recompense be not so exactly substantial in its recompense, I'll grant you a selective favor of your own choosing. The favor will vary upon the effectiveness of my own effect upon your troops, decided upon by the two of us and within consideration of both of our ideals of 'effective', and can only affect those that are within your realm of control, effectively, I mean."

"…you worded that so confusingly on purpose, didn't you? Is this another 'shinobi' thing? Never mind, forget I asked. I'll put trust in these 'results' you speak of; you've evaded the Seireitei for over a century, combated a team of twenty toward their own loss, and even managed to play a joke on my person. I've confidence that you'll be able to elevate the Onmitsukido to even greater heights. But you didn't mention anything on the joining of our organization."

"I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't have to. I want to be an instructor, show these kids how bad they're fucking it up - pardon the language - and not be beholden to any kind of structure of authority. Like a hired tutor or an exchange program kinda deal. I mean do I have to swear to anything? Do I have to wear the bathrobe? I'll carry a sword, but I really would prefer not to wear a uniform like that, my coat is cool enough. And it's a definite 'no' if I have to swear to anything."

"There are no real oaths. You'd be required to have your spiritual pressure measured, as well as a battery of tests designed to test your general effectiveness, ending in the ceremony that would awaken you to your own zanpakuto. These things are requisite, but not entirely necessary…"

"You phrased that like you'd thought of a way to make it not requisite."

"Central is fairly strict in regards to which souls it allows beyond the White Walls. And the Noble Clans can be somewhat… touchy when it comes to who it is that holds any power over their own progeny. That being said, I am the Captain-Commander of the entirety of the Seireitei; my word is not law but it does carry a certain amount of weight. And if you were to, say-"

"Swear an allegiance to you? You're kidding. When I said 'oaths' I meant any form of 'binding oaths' you old codger! I've had enough of politics in my lifetime to last twenty more, I'm not playing that game any longer."

"Now now, Naruto-san, never say never, hm? You're too wily to not have a say in a thing. And if I were to be honest, I don't know that I believe that you are merely 'embarrassed' and wish to show these young ones how it is done."

"Hey, don't even start to-"

"Peace, my friend, peace. I won't 'start' anything. I'm merely speculating, you see? But that is beside the point, you'll swear to no binding oath. Becoming my vassal in name only shall suffice. The Noble Clans might give us some trouble in the short term, but Central will not care so long as your name is bound to mine. I may lose some face, but, from what I've observed over the years, I stand to gain far more. The Noble Clans only have so much to say in the short term if the long term results overshadow their complaints."

"… they sound stupid. The Clans, I mean. But I see your point. I'll - fuck me walking, I never thought I'd say this - I'll be your vassal. If only to teach these striplings how not to fall on their own kunai. But I won't be a part of the Seireitei."

"I'm glad that you are able to see my reasoning. And we shall see."

"I'm serious, you dinosaur. Hey. Stop laughing. I really never will, I mean it!"

The spars were going far better than expected. Naruto might, might, have underestimated the abilities of the people before him. They probably weren't Genin drop-outs. But they weren't really effective Chunin either. In all honesty, they weren't terrible, they just didn't get the nuance and weren't really powerful enough to fulfill their roles. So maybe they were just very firmly Genin who might have a shot in the next exams. Yeah.

Yeah. That was. Yeah.

Okay, they had some pretty clever tricks. They'd never escape his notice, not when he was focused, but they had some pretty clever tricks. More than that, they possessed solid teamwork which was, as he'd discovered oh so many years later following his tuition under Kakashi, a far more difficult skill to teach than any given combat technique.

There were many things that he could say about one of his oldest friends, but the amount of patience that he must have been able to display in the face of his Genin team shucked those comments into the ether. He'd done his best in attempting to instruct something lasting to the (literally proven by math) three least-likely to cooperate Genin in the entire force. Naruto could only bow his head and do his utmost to channel some of that patience. They had teamwork down, that was true. That being said…

One of the members of the Onmitsukido that were sparring in front of him chose that moment to run smack into his own teammates' attempt at an orchestrated counter-attack, causing Naruto to scratch at the back of his head furiously.

They weren't coordinated enough. Kakashi had dropped from training the cream-of-the-crop ANBU to training grean-as-grass Genin had managed to not tear out all of his hair. He would do the same.

They had stealth down, but only "well enough". They functioned fairly well in a squad of three, but "fairly well" was probably being optimistic and "knew the gist of" was the more accurate statement. An upgrade from a number of teams that he'd led, but maybe they just weren't among their own teammates and didn't know how to adapt well to others' combat habits? Hell, Genin never did, they knew their three-man team and little else for years at a time. But that didn't make sense, he'd been assaulted by a group of twenty and they'd appeared to be cohesive at times, if only when five of them approached at-

"Stop! Bow to your opponents." They did so, winded as they were, and Naruto took the time to cast a calculating gaze over the rest of the crowd standing at attention. They'd been called together and he'd assembled them into blocks, but their only instruction had been to assemble into blocks. No seating chart involved, no numbers, they must have gravitated toward one another for a reason. There were still a number of hostile gazes directed his way, which he cared little about, but he began to notice other gazes that appeared… longing? Worried? Disappointed? Maybe annoyed, he'd never know so he gave up, but those same gazes were always directed from a select block toward a select member of the recent sparring group who had been from that same selected block.

So. That was good to know. They most likely had set teams, they most likely were not teams of three, and, hell, they had the camaraderie thing down considering the reactions of those who'd moved to defend the poor bastard that had laughed at ramen. Wait, "poor bastard"? Idiot bastard who laughed at ramen. Yeah. Idiot numbskull moron who disses on ramen anyw-?

"Ah, Naruto-sensei, are we finished or…?" The two teams of three were still standing at attention, but had started casting glances toward one another and shuffling about in nervous confusion when he (apparently lost in thought) hadn't given them further instructions.

"Yes, of course, let's get the next group up. Same rules as before."

Naruto noted idly that the cat was among this sparring group. He also noted the resigned looks that adorned her opponents, all three of them. Hmm.

"Begin!"

The sounds of a spar were, in a way, calming to him. Flesh impacted flesh, figures blurred out of the way; someone failed to put up a block, attacked from an odd angle, improvement borne of randomization, of facing someone that they hadn't faced too often before. Music to his ears. Or at least it would have been if the flesh-meeting-flesh sound hadn't comprised of cat girl blurring forward and incapacitating her sparring partners in a matter of seconds, without the aid of her team. Impressive; duly noted but…

"Stop! Bow to your opponents." They did so and gave Naruto enough time to glance at his hand where a select few names were scribbled in ink. They apparently didn't have pens in the afterlife, but he'd consciously not rubbed his palms and so had a (sort of) legible brushed list of names that he'd thought interesting. One "Shiroinno Yoruichiba" topped that short list. Wait. That was… that name wasn't even legible.

Hmm. Shirotani Toritsugu? Oh damn, ink really did smear.

"Uhh… Yoritsuko, stand to the right. My right, not yours." There were a number of confused murmurs but the purple-haired woman standing before him was giving him an incredulous look so he took the opportunity to gesture toward her.

"Yeah, you, Yoru… Yorukami. Uhh. Sorry, just state your name for the class, I think that no one here knows it." The whispers had died down and now everyone was staring at him, which was strange because they should be focusing on the person introducing themselves. He quirked an eyebrow at the closest member of the blocks but they immediately flinched and averted their eyes. Okay, maybe he'd taught that lesson too well. Shrugging he gestured with an open palm toward where he'd requested she move. After a pause, she did so, but not without a venomous tone.

"My name is Yoruichi."

"Of course it is."

Hey, he at least got the base of her name correctly. That was a win. Not that he cared, recruits didn't have names. That was ANBU. And they might know it yet, but he'd just inducted them into day one of ANBU boot camp.

Minus the mental conditioning. Naruto didn't think anyone this side of life had the balls to endure ANBU mental conditioning. Hells, he was worried they wouldn't survive the physical portion of it. But maybe a little further down the line they migh- wait, this wasn't Konoha, and he didn't care what happened to the Seireitei! Mental conditioning was bunk, no one needed an absolutely loyal fanatic in the after-life. Their enemy was built-in, monsters not requiring propaganda, the scope was "good vs evil" not "your good vs their evil", thank the gods for small mercies.

"Next!"

And so it went. Ten groups of six, paraded up and forced to fight. He was glad he'd written his list because he was right, they were the ones to watch for. The leaders. Alright, potential leaders, they at least were better prospects than the rest of the crowd. Before long, the sparring was over. His list was (almost) one hundred percent correct, there had been one fellow that had surprised him in terms of forward thinking. Probably a Nara. He didn't have the hair but, he was proba-

"Hey, you, what's your clan name?" Naruto had thrust a finger forward, singling out the last member of his gathered leadership. The man he was pointing at looked incredibly lazy, nearly half asleep. But his hair wasn't ebon or tied up into a ponytail. It was blond, and fell about his face in a fashion that suggested he either didn't comb it, didn't wash it, or (more than likely) did neither.

"Who, me?" even his response was lackluster. Wait. No, that would be silly, but it didn't hurt to try.

"Is your name Shikamaru?"

"No, it's Kisuke. Urahara Kisuke."

Well. It had been worth a shot.

"And so, my newest vassal; what shall I expect of my new Onmitsukido?"

"Absolute loyalty. A higher standard of combat ability. The willingness to fight through any obstacle, be it a broken limb or an impossibly strong opponent. The mindset of-"

"Slow down, you've already promised too much. They're the Second Division, yes, but… what? I don't wish to doubt your teaching ability. But I have never witnessed your teaching ability, so I will. Ignoring that, as much as I enjoy the idea of combat potential… loyalty to whom?"

"You, of course. This might not be a Hidden Village but you effectively serve as the Kage served. You say you're not the law, but you might as well be. You're the strongest, I assume. The most experienced. There are a number of parallels I could draw, but I'm seeking to recreate a division of shinobi that could serve you well."

"Alright… I can't say I'd be opposed to this. But where does that place you as my vassal?"

"Ha, that places me in a spot that I never thought I'd occupy. It places me as your shadow. It's loose, not nearly exact. But I'd be the Danzo to your Sandaime Hokage. Like an advisor, but way more fucked up. Pardon the language, again."

"I see… and who are the Sandaime and Dazno?"\

"Dazno?! Wha- Who did yo- where did you learn your history you blathering idiot?!"