August, 1996
Albus Dumbledore sat in the chains-chair in Courtroom Ten, facing the entire Wizengamot. The chains were wrapped firmly round his wrists and ankles; he not only could not run away, he could not even draw his wand. Yet for Albus, these problems were only minor inconveniences.
Was he worried about his future? Not even slightly.
Albus's trial had just begun. Seven of the eight charges were serious, but Albus was not worried. Between the number of Wizengamot seat-holders who owed favours to Albus, and the Wizengamot seat-holders who thought that Albus Dumbledore had hung the moon, the bearded headmaster of Hogwarts believed himself to be untouchable. Albus figured that he had 49 percent of the Wizengamot votes solidly in his pocket.
Right now, Albus had only two slight worries—
Arthur Weasley had accidentally dropped a box of sparkplugs on his head, so was in Saint Mungo's till tomorrow. Arthur, were he now here in Courtroom Ten, not only would be an unswayable vote in Albus's favour, but would have spoken up in Albus's behalf and would have drawn-in undecided votes.
Albus's other worry?
He, as Chief Warlock, normally presided over every trial that the Wizengamot held. He saw no problem with presiding over his own trial—but apparently the rest of the Wizengamot objected. For the duration of Albus's trial, until his inevitable acquittal, an Acting Chief Warlock/Witch had to be chosen. And who exactly had been chosen to preside over Albus's trial?
Madame Vulture-Hat herself, Augusta Longbottom. Who did not understand that Frank and Alice Longbottom needed to be kept as human vegetables for the Greater Good. Albus sighed, behind his long beard.
Amelia Bones, Director of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, was presenting her evidence for the first charge. The first charge: that in 1991-1992, Albus had knowingly hired Voldemort, who had been possessing Quirinus Quirrell at the time, so that the Dark Lord had had free access to the places where magical children had been living. Eventually Amelia finished making her case for the first charge. Albus was surprised at all the solid evidence that Amelia had presented—
—despite Albus having laid Obliviation and Compulsion spells on Amelia's niece, Susan Bones, and on Minerva McGonagall. Albus wondered how his "information embargo" had failed.
Now Augusta the Acting Chief Witch looked disgustedly at Albus, as she asked, "What defence do you have against the first charge?"
Albus smiled a grandfatherly smile, as his eyes twinkled. "Augusta, I'll wait till Amelia had presented all her evidence for all the charges, then I'll make my defence."
"Very well," Augusta said. "Madame Bones, make your case for the second charge."
The second charge against Albus was that during the 1991-1992 school year, Albus had placed dangerous traps in a school full of children: a giant three-headed dog, devil's snare, attacking chess pieces, poisonous potions, and a psychologically addictive mirror. Again Amelia presented her case, and her case was thorough.
Again Augusta offered Albus the chance to defend himself; again Albus answered in essence, Later, Augusta.
The third charge was that in the 1992-1993 school year, Albus knowingly let a basilisk roam the school. No children were killed, Amelia admitted, but they could have been.
The fourth charge was that in the 1993-1994 school year, Albus knowingly hired a werewolf to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts.
The fifth charge was that in the 1994-1995 school year, Albus—either knowingly or through neglect—hired a Death Eater to teach DADA to schoolchildren, and this Death Eater was a conspirator in the murder plot against Harry Potter. Amelia called Harry to testify against Albus. Albus thought, You ungrateful brat!
The sixth charge arose from something that had happened in June 1996, after Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore had battled Tom Riddle in the Ministry atrium. Minister Fudge, instead of admitting that Voldemort had returned, had started blathering about glamours and Confunding Charms and Polyjuice Potion. The fool had claimed, "That's not You-Know-Who. You-Know-Who is dead, not alive!" Angry Albus had AK'd Fudge, then had Diffindoed the Minister for Magic into cubes—all in front of thirty-seven witnesses. Two of the testifying witnesses were Miss Granger and Harry.
The seventh charge against Albus was that he had ignored the wills of James and Lily Potter, had kidnapped toddler Harry away from his rightful guardian (Sirius Black), had placed Harry with unfit Muggle guardians to raise, then had sealed the Potter wills so that nobody would discover Albus's crimes. Again, Miss Granger and Harry testified against Albus, as did Sirius Black.
The eighth charge against Albus was that he had spit on the floor of his holding cell, after his arrest for the other seven charges.
It took three days, going till 9 p.m each day, for Amelia to present all the evidence, and to question all the witnesses. In all this time, Albus spoke not one word in his own defence.
Albus spent three days smiling an unworried, grandfatherly smile, as his eyes twinkled.
At the end of the third day of Albus's trial
Amelia said, "The prosecution rests."
Augusta, as Acting Chief Witch, looked at Albus and said, "Eight charges have been laid against you. What defences do you offer against them?"
Albus smiled his grandfatherly smile, and his eyes twinkled. "I am the Defeater of Grindelwald, and always I have acted for the Greater Good. The defence rests."
Half the Wizengamot seat-holders now looked at Albus with adoring, worshipful faces; and most of the other seat-holders looked torn. Only the hard-core Dark seat-holders, and Augusta Longbottom, were unswayed by Albus's words.
Albus gave Augusta and Amelia each a condescending smile. He thought, You watch, witches, I'll walk out of here suffering not even a slap on the wrist.
Augusta announced, "This chamber now will vote on Albus Percival Dumbledore's guilt or innocence with regards to these eight charges."
Albus was not a bit worried—he knew that he had a solid 49 percent of the Wizengamot in his pocket, who would vote for his acquittal regardless of the charges and regardless of all evidence.
A solid 49 percent of the Wizengamot voted "Not Guilty" on each of the eight charges—but 51 percent voted "Guilty." Albus even was found guilty of spitting on the floor!
Albus watching, scowling, as Miss Granger hugged Harry, then she hugged Sirius. Sirius and Harry then hugged.
A reverse-Muffliato then was cast on Albus, whilst he sat in the chains-chair, as the seat-holders debated his punishment(s). All Albus heard was a metallic buzzing whenever anyone spoke.
After a half-hour, the reverse-Muffliato ended. Albus saw Augusta smiling cruelly at him. Albus felt a twinge of worry.
Augusta said, "Albus Percival Dumbledore, the good news for you is that this body is unwilling to send the Defeater of Grindelwald through the Veil, or to subject you to the Dementor's Kiss or to sentence you to time in Azkaban."
Albus smiled in triumph. He thought, I have nothing to worry about now.
Augusta continued, "As partial punishment for your crimes, you will be stripped of your position as Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards—"
Albus thought, No big deal. He gave Augusta a grandfatherly smile, whilst his eyes twinkled.
"—and henceforth you are removed from your position of Chief Warlock of this body—"
Albus shrugged, as he gave Augusta a grandfatherly smile, whilst his eyes twinkled.
Augusta said, "As for Hogwarts, it is unthinkable that the best magical school in Wizarding Europe have anyone other than the Defeater of Grindelwald as its headmaster—"
Albus started to plan all the vengeances he would take on Harry and Miss Granger, once they returned to the magical school that Albus still was headmaster of—
"—except," Augusta said, whilst smiling cruelly at Albus, "your crimes must be punished. Merlin, you murdered the minister and violated his corpse! We have decided that you shall lose your position as Headmaster; this position will be given to Minerva McGonagall—"
This is a minor inconvenience, Albus thought. Minerva will dance to my tune, headmistress or not.
"—after Professor McGonagall goes to Saint Mungo's for an OPCC&I"—mind-whammies—"scan."
Albus felt panic.
August continued, "Whatever Loyalty potions, Compulsion Charms and Obliviations that you have given Professor McGonagall, will be undone before she becomes Headmistress."
Albus took a calming breath and asked, "Who will be the Deputy Headmaster? I think I would be a good fit for the position."
"Except that we don't want Headmistress McGonagall to suffer an 'unfortunate accident,' as happened to Headmaster Dippet when you were Deputy Headmaster then. The Wizengamot has decided that Professor Sprout and Professor Flitwick will play three rounds of Rock-Parchment-Scissors to decide who shall be the Deputy. Your position at Hogwarts, beginning next term, shall be the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, with no other responsibilities."
"DADA? You want me to teach DADA? That position has been cursed for thirty years!"
Augusta's smile at Albus reminded him of the vulture on her hat. She replied, "But Professor Dumbledore, during those same thirty years, when you had the authority to hunt down and to remove the alleged curse, you could not be bothered. So how bad can the curse be?"
She did not give Albus time to answer before she continued, "But if the idea of the curse bothers you, might I suggest that you remove it? I doubt that Headmistress McGonagall will want to allocate unbudgeted resources on your behalf, after Saint Mungo's gives her a written list of all the mind-whammies that you've hit her with."
Then Augusta banged her gavel. "This session of the Wizengamot is adjourned." The chains round Albus's arms and legs unwrapped themselves.
Albus paid no attention to Augusta, to Amelia, or to any of the Wizengamot seat-holders. All he saw were Miss Granger and Harry (and Sirius), all grinning triumphantly at him.
How dare they! Albus thought. He pointed at the magical teenagers and roared, "I might be a lowly DADA teacher now, but when the new term starts, you two can count on ten months of detentions!"
Albus expected Miss Granger to panic, and he expected Harry to scowl; he did not expect them both to laugh.
Harry said with a sneer, "You whiskered idiot. We already decided that we would no longer attend Hogwarts if you were there, even if you served only as the custodian. And you as the DADA teacher, who every year has tried to kill me? No sodding bloody-hell way!
"Hermione and I have our school-transfer parchmentwork winging its way to Manchester"—to Manchester Magical Academy—"even as we speak. Be certain that we've told them to put up anti-phoenix wards, because being kidnapped by you once is enough, thank you! Anyway, Albus, good luck stopping Tommy-Boy now—by yourself."
Harry and Miss Granger kissed, then they (and Sirius) walked out of Courtroom Ten, as Albus felt fear for his future.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Note 1: This ficlet came out of a discussion I had with Kgfinkel. I was lamenting that in canon and in fanfics, Dumbledore is beyond punishment for everything he has done to Harry. Even when Dumbledore is arrested and is put on trial, he never is punished by being removed as headmaster of Hogwarts; and Dumbledore as headmaster pretty much is omnipotent within the castle. So Harry's situation actually turns worse in such stories, because now he has Dumbledore angry at him.
But then I thought, Since this bothers me so much, how could I fix this?
The result is this wildly absurd story.
Note 2: In this story, everyone thinks the headmaster's full name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, but his actual (legal) name is shorter than this: Albus Percival Dumbledore.