A/N: Hi all! Back again! :D This chapter will (hopefully) be a good one to make up for my absence. Please enjoy and, if you're up for it, leave a review! They're a big motivator for me and I love to hear what you all think of the plotline, quality of writing, etc. Thanks for reading and sticking by me through my spotty uploads! This story may be coming to a close within the next ten or so chapters, I'll have to see where I decide to go with the plot, but fear not: the next uploads will be long ones.
TW: This chapter contains references, mild descriptions, and discussions of self harm, panic attacks, suicide, and major depressive episodes. If this would be a triggering topic for you, do not proceed with reading those sections. The sections in which this is discussed will be marked with *** and when it is clear to continue reading there will be another ***. Please do not jeopardize your mental wellbeing in the interest of reading this chapter in full, a non-descriptive summary will be placed at the end of the chapter of the potentially triggering sections.
Disclaimer: Some of the medical or mental-health related information in this fanfic may be inaccurate. I make an effort to do my research before touching on those sorts of topics, but if you notice something inaccurate, apologies. I make no claims to be completely accurate in my descriptions of some mental health issues the characters may be going through. If you are experiencing mental health issues similar or the same as the characters in this fanfic, please seek professional help. Do not use this fanfiction as material to support a self-diagnosis. In the event that you are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can text 741-741, an anonymous crisis text line, to speak to volunteers who can attempt to guide you through your crisis and present helpful solutions or just an ear to listen to you, if you need it. Thank you, and please be safe and exercise caution in the interest of your own mental wellbeing when reading the sections marked as potentially triggering.
Hurry, hurry.
Merlin was shoving clothing, food, some extra medical supplies in case of an injury along the way and the wooden dragon his father had carved for him into a leather satchel before he had to leave. He'd mentioned to Gwaine that he was welcome to come along with Merlin, and when Morgana had came and asked, somewhat sheepishly it seemed, if she would be a burdensome third member to their party or if she would be allowed to come, for a second Merlin felt a visceral reaction from the back of his mind. NO. But he took a moment to look in her eyes and saw genuine sorrow, and perhaps embarrassment there. She had caused considerable damage done to Camelot and its inhabitants that she needed to make up for, but in the moment, her expression and seemingly changed attitude, along with the clearly apologetic basket of herbs and other helpful, seemingly personalized goods convinced him to give her the benefit of the doubt. She tentatively reached out her arms to him, and then gave him an enthusiastic hug when he gave a slight nod of his head. Merlin felt something like their old friendship spark between the two of them again, but didn't mention it quite yet.
It took less than an hour for the three to be on horses and leaving town. Gwaine seemed unbothered by Morgana, which Merlin couldn't imagine was quite true, but he also recalled that Morgana had personally reached out to him to apologize for any detriment she had caused him, so he supposed that might've had something to do with it. Either way, they quickly left Camelot before the projected outrage really began. Even while their horses hurried through the gates Merlin could sense the offending glares that were shot their way by some still set in their old opinions. He supposed they weren't really old opinions. It'd only been upwards of an hour since Arthur had announced he was lifting the ban on magic, and Merlin could see even young children rejoicing by conjuring glittery clouds shaped like unicorns and dragons. He made a point to stop nearby the parents of some of those children and advise caution, pointing out some thinly veiled glares coming from the older residents of Camelot. Generally, he enjoyed the company of the elderly population of Camelot. They were usually quite nice, and sometimes when he dropped off their medications or made quick stops they would make pleasant conversation with him about the weather, or something else largely innocent and uncontroversial. On some occasions, they'll present him with a cookie, or a plate of scones, scolding him for being too thin. They were not, however, known for being particularly open-minded when it came to the idea of magic and sorcerers. Merlin blamed Uther for that - for allowing his own fear of loosing his power to infect the minds of Camelot's citizens and turn them against their own - but at the moment, he couldn't pity them. He had to avoid them.
After Merlin, Gwaine, and Morgana had set off to whatever undisclosed location they intended to venture to, Arthur felt it was necessary to implement new guidelines to clarify his lift on the ban of magic. He realized afterward his grand gesture a considerable portion of the unrest amongst Camelot now could be attributed to the lack of clarity on just what magic would be permitted in Camelot. Could sorcerers simply conjure all the money they wanted? Could they conjure mythical beings as pets and rob stores by turning invisible? He didn't want to delve into paranoia like Uther, but some guidelines needed to be set. So, he called the residents of Camelot to the center square for an announcement.
"Greetings, citizens of Camelot. My announcement this morning was met with controversy, and to be quite honest, I cannot blame you for that. My decision to lift the ban on magic was then, and will continue to be now and for the near and far future, receiving my full support, and is final. However, I realized that I provided few guidelines on what the use of magic would be restricted to. I do not intend to be like my father and restrict you to the use of magic in secret or not at all. Rather, I only want to provide the guidelines that would exist for anyone, magic or not magic. So, for now, my list of guidelines - which may grow or shrink according to the need and abuse of flexibility, is as follows:
- Magic used to cause direct or indirect harm to a person or animal unless warranted in self defense is not permitted by law. For this, the sentencing will vary, but the punishment will be severe and unempathetic to the offender. If there are extenuating circumstances which are not listed here but are judged by myself or a member of court personally appointed by me to act in my stead to be adequate in absolving the offender of guilt, they will be absolved, and any offender can request that they contest the original verdict in favor of presenting such a justification.
- Using magic to create money not earned fairly unless approved by myself or a personally appointed representative of court is a criminal offense and will thus be charged as such. You will face a hefty fine that must be paid by money verified by a court representative appointed by me to be real and not conjured by magic, and you are unable to pay such a fine or unwilling, you will face up to three months of jail time. A repeated offense will result in either longer imprisonment or a required fine without the option of imprisonment.
- Using magic of any kind to steal goods or break into buildings or homes you are not invited into will result in varying sentences to be decided by myself or a personally appointed court representative.
- Invading, controlling, reading, or otherwise tampering with the minds of any person within Camelot without their explicit permission given to you when the subject is of a clear headspace and not coerced, blackmailed, or otherwise convinced while they are unwilling or resistant to giving you such permission will result in a punishment of a similar or the same level as the one for causing bodily harm, along with automatic banishment from Camelot.
These guidelines are not restrictive in any ways that would be unfair or motivated by malice towards sorcerers. I only intend to keep the whole of Camelot, sorcerers and otherwise, safe and able to be themselves without fear of execution, banishment, or otherwise unfavorable punishment. Please do not abuse the freedom I have given you with these lax guidelines. Although I have said that they may increase at some point it is not my hope that they will need to and if at any point they must I can promise you I will present you with adequate reasoning why. If you are found to have not followed these simple guidelines, the framework for punishments I have provided above may be altered according to circumstance, intent, and damage caused, as would be the case for any other non-magical crime. Please, if you have concerns, come to a member of court for clarification. I will be debriefing all knights on the specifications of these new laws, and if you need to understand more properly any one of them I suggest you seek out that information starting tomorrow morning. If you commit an offense after this point you assume all responsibility of knowledge of the specifications of each law. Should another law be put into place, you will made aware in an announcement much like this one. Thank you for your time. Any money lost from business hours in your various shops or other places of work may be reimbursed with proof from your employer of a loss of otherwise garnered income. You may all return to your previous obligations."
The rest of the day in Camelot went by as normally as it could have been expected to. Magical fireworks went off when it was dark enough to see them properly, people conjured speciality drinks in bars to show the bartenders and danced to festive music. Others holed away in their houses and refused to come out even when happy neighbors knocked on their doors hoping to provide them with a conjured up loaf of blueberry bread in commemoration of their freedom being announced publicly. Some sorcerers left in parties much like Merlin's, off to the woods to wait out the initial backlash for a while. Arthur stayed, for the most part, in his quarters, writing and rewriting and then crumpling letters to Merlin to try and apologize for his poorly thought out grand gesture of legalizing magic. It seemed that most appreciated it, but some, the some that tended to burst into the throne room to demand that Arthur burn some poor young woman at the stake for being a witch because her hair didn't frizz after it rained or some other equally unconvincing 'proof' of a sorcerer being amongst their midst, were not so easily appeased. When Uther was still King, Arthur would sit back incredulously as those bad actors gained pile of coins after pile of coins just for saying something stupid about how there was a witch or wizard amongst them and crying fake tears with brightly colored handkerchiefs they bought with the money from their last 'whistleblower' incident. Of course they would be upset - their main source of income went from scarce to nonexistent, from Arthur becoming King to him lifting the ban on magic. It was a big blow to their largely illegal salaries, but why should he pay for the tablecloths of people performing some poorly faked rendition of a panicked citizen fearing for their life?
He finally gave up on the letter, deciding he would finish writing it tomorrow, and practically fell onto the now always unmade bed in his quarters. It had fallen into disarray, because he'd refused offers for other servants and Merlin was no longer his. He missed their old rapport - although Merlin probably liked this better - Merlin tossing the curtains to the side, yelling out a cheerful greeting and then promptly getting hit in the face by a projectile pillow. Them joking around all day, Merlin usually by his side, and Merlin providing help if Arthur needed it with some of the more complicated legislation Merlin always seemed to have a knack for explaining and understanding. He missed that. But he didn't miss Merlin's fake smile, or his sad eyes. He wanted the expression from young Merlin back - not that Merlin wasn't still young - but when he first arrived in Camelot, when he hadn't felt that constant pressure to hide his true self, he had just seemed.. happier? Maybe more innocent? Arthur couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that had changed, but it was something.
The days Merlin was gone were long and tedious, they felt sluggish and uneventful although Arthur knew that they were anything but. After just the first day the commotion seemed to die down, and all that was left was a bit of uncomfortableness in the air. Nothing too bad, just adjustment pains, Arthur figured. But when Merlin came back through the gates it was like some fog over Camelot had finally lifted and the sun could finally shine down on them. Arthur ran to greet Merlin, but was sure to start walking and look nonchalant about it before he was in view of Merlin.
"Ah, you're back. I didn't notice." He said, trying to look around like he was unaffected.
Merlin grinned. "Aw, if you missed me you can just say it you know."
Arthur chuckled. "Well, maybe I did. Who's to say for sure?"
Merlin smiled. "I guess we'll never know."
When Arthur came upon Merlin at Freya's pond nearly a week later, he paused before he made himself known. Merlin was standing near the pond, sleeves rolled up, seemingly inspecting his arm. Arthur came up behind him, planning to scare him a bit, but when he laid eyes on what Merlin was looking at he couldn't hold back a gasp and stumbled backwards. Merlin whipped around and looked at Arthur in panic, struggling to roll up his sleeve but unable to do so before Arthur could get a clear enough look.
"Merlin, don't tell me those are what I think they are." His voice was shaking a bit but he couldn't believe that Merlin, his Merlin's arm was riddled with scars. He'd seen Merlin's scars before, at least, the ones on his back and shoulders and some on his chest. But those, they were clearly from battles or accidents. This- those, neatly lined scars across his forearm and wrist? Those were no accidents. Those were intentional.
"Please, please don't be mad," He started. Arthur paused a moment, realizing his tone sounded angry as opposed to worried. He didn't have time to contradict though before Merlin continued.
"I understand what you're thinking right now and yeah, they're not accidents like the others are. And I know that's not good and I shouldn't have done it and everything else you probably want to say to me right now but I promise you it's been months. This one here? It was to test if Winona was ready to be court physician in matters of urgency. It wasn't motivated the way you think it was. The others were, but they're old. That's why I came here. I'm going to throw away my knife. Freya will keep it away from me. She'll keep me safe, I know she will."
Arthur paused. "You didn't tell me if you're okay."
Merlin seemed taken aback by this, but he recovered quickly. "Y-yeah, Arthur. I'm alright. I'm okay. You really don't have to worry about me. I promise." Arthur searched Merlin's eyes for a lie, but could find no lie - he was genuinely okay.
Merlin sat down, and patted a spot of grass in front of him. "Here- sit here. Ask me anything you want. I promise I'll tell the truth."
"Did I make you.. feel like you had to do that?"
Merlin smiled sadly. "No, Arthur. This isn't your fault. I've lost a lot of people, but you've always been there for me. You're the reason I stopped, not the reason I started."
Arthur seemed to relax at this. "Then.. why did you start? How did you start?"
His smile turned into not a frown, but a look of sadness. "It was in Ealdor," he began.
"I guess.. I had no one to talk to. Everyone in Ealdor was either supportive or indifferent, no one really outright bullied me. But kids will be kids, you know? There were a few I guess that said some things that got to me. I just felt like I didn't want to be here anymore." His words were slow and the flow of them was broken, like he was thinking of what to say. "So when I dropped a bowl once, while I was cleaning it up, I kept one of the shards.
"I brought it with me to the cliffside one day and just.. kind of swiped it against my arm I guess? It stung, a lot actually, and I was young so it scared me when I started bleeding. I didn't tell my Mom, I just sat there and kind of stared at it until it stopped bleeding, which didn't take long, and wiped the blood off.
"It's like how when you get hurt your brain makes it hurt less by kind of making you happier I guess? And I would use that shard to make my arm hurt, but.. I hurt less.. if that makes sense. It just kind of got worse from there."
Arthur sat in silence for a minute. "I'm sorry. I really wish I could've known or helped you somehow, or I don't really know what. I just wish you weren't so sad. I wish I could make you feel happier."
"You do, Arthur. You're my best friend - along with Gwaine, partly because if I didn't consider him my best friend his heart would be broken - and without you I would've never stopped, I don't think. I wanted things to end, everything to end, before I got here, but even though I seem sad now, I'm happier than I've ever been. So don't ever feel like you haven't done enough, or that you aren't an amazing friend. I wouldn't have survived without you."
Summary: Arthur finds out Merlin used to self harm and they talk about it. Merlin has been clean for months.
A/N: One last quick note! Sorry if that ending section is a bit cheesy, it's about 2:30 AM and I'm running on maybe 4 hours of sleep so the ability to write good words is escaping me ;-; Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please stay safe and happy! Refer to the above author's note for the anonymous crisis text line and if you need any further mental health resources you can always PM me.