.
…Tengu's Heart…
...
"This was all in the head. And that's where it stays."
― André Aciman, (Enigma Variations)
…
One minute she was on the bridge, looking down at the strange man in the green kimono, and the next she was standing beside him on the riverbank.
But how- Wheeling around, her mouth dropped open in a voiceless gasp. The bridge had completely vanished, as if it had never even been there. The world was stagnant, frozen in time. No breeze ruffled the silvery leaves, no ripple marred the still surface of the river, not a single sign of life was to be seen anywhere. All around silence spread like a thick, ominous fog, stripping the land bare of all its cheer and warmth, leaving behind nothing but a cold and terrible stillness in its wake.
A sudden, sharp pain in her head made her wince, drawing ragged gasps from her throat.
"Careful now", the man said, hand extended towards her in a gesture of concern. "I have halted the enchantment but momentarily."
Through a fog of pain, Sachiko glared up at him. "Who are you?" She seethed, "Stay away from me!"
She watched his hand falter, and for a moment, perhaps, an expression of pain flitted across his handsome face, before he regained his composure. "It seems I have no other choice then", he murmured to himself, ending his words with the shortest of sighs. "Forgive me", he said quietly, "This is going to be uncomfortable." Sachiko staggered back in alarm when the man lifted his hand towards her, touching her between her eyebrows.
A barrage of images washed down over her. Dropping her head onto trembling hands, Sachiko shut her eyes against the onslaught of memories- a million sights, sounds, smells, streaking across her psyche, melding into each other so seamlessly that it was impossible to tell what was real and what was not. Brought to her knees by the sheer intensity of it all, fingers curling in her hair as if to keep her head from exploding, she couldn't help the desperate screams that tore through her throat. She felt a hand on her shoulder.
The world steadied and Sachiko found herself regaining some semblance of sanity. Panting and drenched in cold sweat, she gazed up at the strange man now kneeling beside her. "There, there", he said, rubbing soothing circles on her back, "Deep breaths. That's it, you are doing great."
"Ha…ruo?" She managed when she found that she could speak. The deity smiled kindly.
"Welcome back, Sachiko."
"I –I feel sick", she panted, "There is so much in my head that…I don't even know what is real anymore..."
"You will be fine. Just give it some time."
"But I don't understand! Sesshomaru and I-" Desperately she looked around, wide eyes searching as far as they could see. Tears pooled at the corner of her eyes, failing to find who she sought. "Where is he?" Drawing a breath that broke into a sob, she gazed at the god, trembling in fear and confusion. "If you are here…does that mean this is a dream? But how can that be? We were just…" She felt her throat closing up. "Please, Haruo", she begged, "tell me what is happening..."
"Well", Haruo sighed, "It may seem hard to believe, but you are currently trapped within an illusion."
"Illusion?" She parroted dazedly.
"A demonic plant is absorbing you as we speak, consuming your flesh. Your powers are working to heal your body as it is being eaten away." Wide-eyed, she gazed at the deity, lips parted voicelessly. Haruo nodded. "What you see around is nothing but the manifestation of your desires."
"Are you saying…", she spoke in a daze, "that none of this is real?" Involuntarily she clasped her hands against her mouth, trying in vain to trap the errant words that had escaped. "But it can't be! We went to the yukata shop today! It was our anniversary! Everyone in my family saw him- Arisu and Etsuko, and grandma... " Trailing off, dread pooled in her stomach as she watched the god slowly shake his head, gazing at her in pity.
For several moments, Sachiko found herself unable to speak. Her head was awhirl with memories, different versions of her own history clamoring for supremacy within her head. Which was real? The version where she lived a blissful life with her family, in the house she had grown up in, happy and content with the man she loved? Or the wild fever- dream where she followed him- the cold, uncaring demon- through the forests of feudal Japan, in a failing body so weak that it felt like a prison?
"That's not true", she murmured. And then loudly, angrily, "This is of course my home…the place I grew up in! There is no way that this isn't real. It just can't be!"
The deity said nothing. She drew a short, disbelieving gasp. A single teardrop slid down the curve of her cheek as she felt a cold shudder of realization pass through her body.
"How dare you…", she said slowly, eyes aflame with fury, "how dare you come in here and tell me such things! What do you want from me? Do you really expect me to leave my life behind? Leave everyone behind?"
The god's emerald eyes were cast with sorrow. "The reason you hold on so fiercely to this fantasy is because you were caught in such terrible despair." Stepping towards her, he took her hands in his, gazing at her tear-stained face.
"I must apologize", his tone was remorseful, "I am the one who is to blame. Perhaps I should have chosen a different path for you...It breaks my heart to see you in such pain."
Her blunt nails bit into the skin of her palm. The more she thought about it, the more it didn't make any sense. The memory of utter desolation was too strong for it to be only a dream. Why would she have such a strong memory of being miserable in this world…In this world? She frowned.
"Are you telling me the truth?" Her voice was eerily calm. "Is it true that I am being tricked?" The look in the deity's eyes told her all she needed to know. No use running away from the truth…She tried wiping her tears away, but they couldn't seem to stop.
This life was so precious to her…How could she leave it all behind?
"So, what now?" she managed, her voice but a whisper, "Are you going to take me back?"
Cupping her face in his palms, Haruo gently brushed away her tears with his thumb. "No my dear", he said kindly, "I am only here to offer you a choice."
The floor of the cave was littered with steadily growing piles of thick, knotted vines, melting into dense slurry from the poison lacing them, glistening in the phosphorescent light of moss that grew bountifully on the stone walls. No matter how much he slashed at them the vines kept growing back, filling the defect his claws created almost instantaneously, a testament to the girl's regenerative powers that the demonic plant was using as its own.
"Cease, Sesshomaru!" The Lady of the West snarled, her strong voice reverberating against the stone. "Some battles cannot be won. Perhaps it was the girl's fate to end this way."
Sesshomaru, pausing in his efforts to break through the mass of vines, turned to glare at her.
"The maboroshi seeks out souls that are caught in terrible anguish", the Lady explained with a shrug. "Dying like this- it is far kinder a fate than what awaited her had her affliction progressed. She will go to her death in peace, not fall prey to a slow, agonizing march towards her demise."
Sesshomaru faced the cocoon over which knotted vines grew rapidly, tightly enclosing the woman. He had even uprooted the plant whole, but to no avail. The plant stubbornly persisted, unwilling to relinquish its prize. What else, he gritted his teeth, what else could he do? There has to be some way, some angle he was not considering. She could not die, not on his watch. He could not fail.
The Lady watched disapprovingly as Sesshomaru's claws glowed neon-green. "You are like a dog with a bone", she scoffed. "The woman means nothing to you, and yet here you are, trying to fight destiny, for no other reason but to keep up appearances, because you cannot stand to fail in your obligations."
Sesshomaru's jaw tensed. "What are you implying mother?"
"You heard me", his mother replied smoothly, "What drives you is not compassion towards a dying human, but the selfish desire to prove yourself, the desire to fight death yet again. A shallow, disrespectful charade, and nothing else."
"Perhaps, mother", Sesshomaru said coldly, "your prophecies concerning what I desire only go so far."
"Is that so?" She challenged. "Are you telling me that you actually care about the girl?"
"Hn", Sesshomaru sneered, his eyes trained on the cocoon, as if gazing at the serene, sleeping face of the woman hidden behind it. Care about her? For what reason? She was not his ward like Rin was. He was not bound to her in anyway but for a silly oath that would end with them reaching the northern mountains. There was no use anguishing over a person who was practically at death's door...
Even as he thought these things, a memory of her flashed across his mind - kneeling on the ground, unaware that she was being watched, burying a lock of her precious hair.
It had only been about a week ago, when Jaken had left to graze Ah- Un. He was keeping watch from the trees as always, hidden from sight, providing her with the illusion of privacy. She was humming some inane tune as she hung a small mirror on a low branch, interrupting her song for a moment to sigh at her sallow face, tracing the dark circles under her eyes. Then she proceeded to run a brush through her hair, as she often did when she was left alone. It was a pleasant evening, and there were no threats to be taken care of. The demon lord had almost let his mind wander, when her song suddenly stopped.
A long, thick section of hair had come loose in her hand, and in the mirror, her expression was one of horrified disbelief, before her eyes turned dull and hollow. He watched her tremble, hand falling limply to her side, still clutching the long rope of her hair. Seeming to be at a loss for a moment, she snapped out of it and proceeded to dig a shallow hole in the ground with a stick that was nearby. Sesshomaru had been unimpressed. Why all the ceremony for a lock of hair? It was obvious the signs that marked the deterioration of her body would show themselves eventually...
As she patted down the soil the sun had caught the crystalline droplets of her tears, illuminating them briefly before they disappeared into the earth.
"All I want…is for you to be a friend", her voice had trembled when she said that, as if she wasn't used to making such demands of people.
"After everything", he found himself saying, "it would only be a waste for her to die like this." No sooner than the words left his mouth did he feel a small, strange stab of surprise.
"Is that so?" Amusement laced the Lady's voice.
Although she was no match for the fallen god in her current state, although death followed at her heels like a bloodhound, perishing before she even had the chance to face her destiny, before she even reached the northern mountains…
Was dying like this all her life amounted to?
He felt something shift within him, something with sharp, jagged edges pushing against his insides, urging him into action. A woman doomed for failure, marching towards certain death. And yet...Why did his mind rebel so violently against the thought of her ceasing to exist just like that?
"She would have wanted to be given a choice", Sesshomaru told his mother.
"A choice, you say", she echoed flatly. Seconds passed as the two daiyoukai stared at each other, sizing each other up, trying to divine each other's' inscrutable intentions. And then, the demoness sighed.
"Little youkai?" She called.
Jaken, who was on the other side of the cocoon eavesdropping indulgently, sprang up from amidst the tangle of vines. "Yes milady?" He quipped.
"To answer your question earlier, I seem to remember having heard that this particular demonic plant loathes flame."
"Flame?" Jaken's eyes grew bulbous. "But we already tried the nintoujo!"
The Lady executed an elegant shrug. "Perhaps a slow burn?"
"Ooh yes! Right away, milady! Erm…will that save the girl?" The imp wanted to know.
The demoness's twin tails glowed in the bioluminescence as she strode towards the exit of the cave. "That I am not certain of. It wouldn't hurt to try now, would it?" She stopped just outside the grasp of the phosphorescent light, throwing a golden glance behind her.
Her eyes glowed in the darkness. "Especially since my son intends to give this mortal woman a choice on how to die."
"A...choice?" She echoed slowly.
"You could choose to wake up, return to your quest as the human-god, return to your deteriorating body and your perilous journey, or-" With a flourish of his hand, the landscape came back to life. People were chattering all around as they passed them, the delicious scent of street-food filled the air, and everywhere she looked was full of warmth and light and the joyous exuberance of life. "Or you could stay here, in this place where everything is designed to bring you joy."
Dazedly she gazed at him, trying to take everything in. "Are you telling me that I don't have to go back?" Her voice trembled.
"Sachiko?"
She froze at the familiar intonation of her name. Slowly she turned back to gaze at Sesshomaru, holding two plates of shaved ice.
"There you are; I have been looking for you everywhere."
"Sesshomaru...", she breathed.
"Is everything alright?" Sesshomaru frowned, gazing at her weary, tear- stained face. "Sachi-" He stopped short in surprise as she abruptly pressed against him, burying her head on his chest.
"I suppose we can always get more shaved ice", he murmured into her hair, gathering her into his arms. Looking down, she saw the melting puddle of the sweet soaking into the ground beside his feet. Blue and pink, she noted idly.
"Say, you will always love me, won't you?"
She felt him smile. "What has brought about such a question, I wonder", he remarked, gently rocking her in his embrace. "Of course I will love you; I will love you till the moment I breathe my last. And even after, if that is somehow possible."
"I thought you didn't believe in the afterlife", she murmured, listening to the strong, calming beat of his heart, breathing in the scent of his skin.
"But I do believe that the universe is full of possibilities. Isn't that something, Sachiko?"
And for the briefest of moments, she felt the warm glow of memories within her, memories of shared laughter and conversations and tender, loving touches. All precious, all beautiful...
Too bad, she thought tremulously. Too bad none of them were real. Even the warmth of his embrace was just another lie...
But what if, part of her gasped, What if she stayed? It was possible. She really could stay and live the perfect life that she always wanted. Everyone was here, after all...Well, not really, but she wouldn't realize that, would she? She could always make new memories, and they would be real, at least for her...
Sachiko sighed. Just a little longer, she told herself as she held him tighter, not wanting to think about right or wrong, real or unreal. All she thought of was how much she loved him, and she knew he loved her too, with all of his heart...
What a joke, a bitter voice sneered inside her head, causing her to start. Straightening up, she watched as his dark tresses lengthened to sleek, shining locks of silver that fell past his waist. "Your hair", she breathed, trapping the tresses between her fingers. "it's turned silver..."
Sesshomaru looked genuinely confused. "My hair has always been this way", he informed. Sachiko felt drained, as if she had been stripped of herself and was but an empty husk, merely a shadow of a person. A wan smile stretched her lips as she ran her fingers through his tresses.
"I've always loved that hair." The smile died down on her lips.
How could I not have known?
I am such an idiot...
Gazing up at him, she watched the familiar purple markings as they appeared on his face.
"Have you decided, Sachiko?" Haruo asked and she turned to him, fingers subconsciously tightening around Sesshomaru's sleeves. "If you choose to stay, the fallen god will not be a concern to you anymore. You will forget all about your previous life, and you can start over here- a life without suffering, without despair."
"But only till the plant finishes eating up my body", she said quietly.
"Time does not pass like that of the real world in this place- it dilates to accommodate your wishes. You could perhaps live a thousand years here without ever realizing you are dreaming. You could live in eternal bliss! Not many would pass up an opportunity like this..."
She nodded. "I have made my choice", she said.
Haruo smiled sadly. "It isn't a crime to choose happiness, if it is within your grasp. Sometimes it is alright to just walk away."
Sachiko shook her head. "I will be living a lie. Living like this, how is that different from being dead?"
"You will be severely weakened once you awaken. You will be in a lot of pain."
"It doesn't matter; I have made my decision." Steering herself, she looked the god straight in the eye. "I want to go back. Please take me back."
Nodding mournfully, the deity stepped back, vanishing into nothingness.
"Sachiko", Sesshomaru said, "Do you truly wish to leave?"
Turning to him, she felt all the resolve drain out of her. "I-" She choked out, the echo of tears in her voice. "I have to. I can't stay here with you..."
"Why?" He said in an impassioned whisper, his tone almost pleading, "You will be happy here! As long as you are alive, as long as we are together here, you could- "
She felt a sharp flare of anger within her. How could he say such nothings to her with his face, his voice? "Stop it!" She cried, stepping away from his grasp. "This is all just a dream! I was a fool who couldn't see that…None of this is real; not even you…You are not him!"
Sachiko froze. Slowly, she lifted her face to gaze up at his pained visage, a thousand needles of guilt stabbing into her soul. She felt her own face crumple.
"Does that matter?" He said quietly. "The one you talk about, are you certain he will love you as much as I do?"
"Sessho-", she choked out, pleading. He shook his head.
"I understand", he said softly, sighing as his shoulders slumped imperceptibly, and she could see the sorrow that came to cloud his lovely golden gaze even as he smiled. "Do what you must. I will not stop you from leaving."
"But you will die if I leave..." She breathed, unable to meet his eyes. "This place will cease to exist, and you- you will as well!" She gasped as Sesshomaru gathered her into his arms again, her weak protests dying down as her held her in a tight embrace.
"We had fun, remember?" He murmured into her ear. "My time together with you was most wonderful, and even as it ends, I can only be glad that we are here together."
Her vision blurred with tears. She knew intuitively that this was only her brain telling her the things she wanted to hear...But then, why was this so difficult? Why did it feel like her heart was getting shredded to pieces?
Standing on tiptoes, her lips trembled as she planted a kiss on his cheek, tears falling freely.
"Will you forgive me?"
"Of course, Sachiko", he said lightly, smiling as their world collapsed around them in brilliant bursts of golden light.
"...To love is to forgive, after all."
The last of the firewood arranged around the cocoon, Jaken ran his sleeve across his forehead to catch the beads of sweat that had gathered there. Sighing deeply, he drew himself up and kept the staff of two heads at the ready.
This better work! Oh I'm going to give her a good talking to when she gets out of there!
"Your orders, milord?" The imp enquired, gazing up at his master. "Milord?" He insisted when no reply seemed forthcoming. Sesshomaru was gazing intently at the bundle of vines, a frown so light that it was almost invisible marring his forehead.
Tears, the demon lord identified the sudden scent, along with the scent of flowers starting to wilt. And then, the smallest gasp from within the fortress of vines. The demon's eyes widened in surprise.
"Stop", he commanded Jaken, just as a bright yellow light burst forth from the cocoon. His hair flying from the burst of power, the demon lord watched, eyes narrowed against the brightness. Amidst pearly white petals aflutter, the shadow of a person stumbled forward from what remained of the plant.
Her body was fuming as she fell into his arms. The light died down. Sesshomaru had to stop breathing for a moment, the scent of acid- eaten flesh and singed hair too strong against his sensitive nostrils. Barely possessing the energy to stand upright, she lifted her head slowly, green eyes unfocused, a large patch of skin on her cheek burnt a raw, sickly purple. Her clothes were in tatters, brittle from the acidic sap she was drenched in, revealing patches of red, raw skin. She grimaced and moaned in pain, and then her vision came to focus.
Squinting, she brought a limp hand to his face, smearing his cheek with stinging plant- sap.
"Stop that", he said, quietly.
Through the fog of pain, she smiled. "Sesshomaru", she breathed, before her eyelids drooped down and her head lolled against his cuirass, unconscious.
Sachiko opened her eyes slowly to the canopy of the tall ash tree she had been resting under. Finding she had the strength to, she gingerly sat up, feeling the slightly scratchy fabric of her sleeping bag under her hands, gazing dazedly at a moon so full and bright that she momentarily thought she was still dreaming. It stood, suspended in the sky, happily casting its reflection on the lake below it, the waters of which she vaguely remembered being dowsed in. She also remembered falling asleep and waking abruptly several times before, moaning out from the pain in her wounds.
"Honestly", Jaken mumbled irately from beside her, "You are more trouble than you are worth, woman!"
Ah, she thought, gazing down at the sleeves of the fresh, light yukata she was wearing, trying to ignore the loosely wound bandages on her hands. She touched her neck, wound with more bandages.
A faint glow in front of her made her gaze forward.
"Hotarou", she cupped her palms around the light that looked like that of a firefly.
"It wouldn't leave your side", Jaken informed brusquely.
"He", Sachiko corrected. "Not 'it'." Jaken rolled his eyes.
"Well, it seems like you are a bit better now", he concluded, handing her a bowl of rice.
"Thanks", she said gratefully. Her whole body protested the movement as she took the bowl from him, hands trembling as she poised the chopsticks over the bowl. Squinting, she registered a familiar vegetable that topped the rice. Tsukushi, her brain offered sluggishly.
"You made this for me?" She breathed in disbelief. Sachiko vaguely remembered him trying to force-feed her bits of the herb during her more lucid intervals. Which was probably why she could sit upright now without going out like a light.
The imp huffed. "I tried to do it the way you would prepare it", he muttered.
"You even used the soy- sauce", she choked, tearing up.
Jaken groaned and rolled his eyes. "Are you going to start crying again? Goodness! Didn't you do enough of that already? What is wrong with you, silly girl?!"
"I...I'm just really touched", she whispered, wiping her tears with her sleeve. She supposed she had been weeping during her sleep and the brief intervals of wakefulness. Unsurprising, considering the emotional turmoil she had just underwent.
"Don't you dare pass out on me again, fool!" Jaken chided, poking her with his staff, "Eat your damn herb before you cark it!"
Sachiko nodded solemnly, sniffing back tears. "It's delicious…", she offered as she chewed, although it was dreadfully bitter and the rawness hadn't quite left it.
"You look like something chewed you up and spat you out, by the way", Jaken remarked.
Sachiko swallowed her food with some difficulty. "That was what happened, wasn't it?" Jaken spared her a sidelong glance.
"You must be feeling a lot better now if you are able to wisecrack like that."
Sachiko sighed. "Guess so", she said quietly. He had even wiped the poison off her and changed her clothes, which should have been embarrassing, but all she could feel was deep gratefulness.
And he hadn't even featured in your dream- utopia, a part of her reminded, and for some reason, she felt a little guilty.
"Thank you, Jaken, for everything."
"Just shut up and eat", Jaken barked, no doubt irked at having to go above and beyond the call of duty. "It was not like we could leave you there, half- dead", he muttered after a while. Sachiko managed a smile and tried to do what he asked, spending the next couple of minutes obediently chewing and swallowing. Jaken watched her eat.
"Just so you know", he said, his voice only a little annoyed, "Nobody's going to help you if you don't ask for it." Sachiko looked at him questioningly.
"But how can I ask any more of you, when you are already doing so much for me?"
Jaken rolled his eyes. "Idiot", he grumbled, and did not care elaborate further.
Sighing, she set down the bowl, fighting to keep her food down. I hate being sick, she thought morosely. The mind- numbing fatigue wasn't entirely new to her, but being digested by the plant had surely taken its toll on her body. Her whole body stung painfully, especially when she moved, and the skin on her face, back and arms were raw and red from the acid. Her worried eyes wandered over to the bandages, under which her corroded flesh stung cruelly. Why hadn't they healed yet? Was she so far gone that even her healing powers were beginning to fail her?
"Why the long face?" A haughty feminine voice said. "You seem awfully subdued for someone who just averted death. A lesser human would have been picked clean by now."
Sachiko could only stare at the vision that was Sesshomaru's mother as Jaken threw himself on the ground and bowed surreptitiously.
"I wasn't aware you were still here, milady", said the imp. "I thought you had left."
Sachiko blinked. She was here all along?
"Little youkai-"
"The name's Jaken", he sighed.
The demoness continued as if she hadn't heard him speak. "Leave us alone for a while."
"Right away, milady!" Jaken scrambled to his feet. "I wonder where that Ah- Un is at?"
"H- hey! Jaken!" Sachiko called after him as he raced into the forest, leaving her alone with the formidable demoness. Traitor! She groaned mentally as the imp disappeared into the bushes, then, wearily looked back to the demoness who stared her down with a quizzical gaze. At a loss, Sachiko tried to pull herself up.
"Don't bother", the demoness chided regally as she stood with her back against the ash tree. "You would certainly keel over, and I wouldn't want to put myself in the awkward position of having to help you up."
Sachiko sat back, twisting her neck sharply to the side to keep the Lady in her field of vision. "Erm, thanks", she mumbled after a moment of deliberation.
The demoness stared pointedly at Hotarou.
"You go too, Hotarou", Sachiko said, and the speck of light promptly vanished. She cleared her throat. "I didn't know that you had come, um, milady."
The Lady sighed dramatically. "Of course", she drawled, "how would you ever notice my presence, when you were busy making cow- eyes at my son?"
Sachiko almost choked on her own spit. "I'm sorry?" She blabbed, "What do you mean?"
The Lady of the West rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, spare me the completely obvious fibbing", the demoness said, making a show of examining her nails, "surely you must know by now that inuyoukai can sniff out lies as easily as they can tear off the heads of those that utter said lies…"
Sachiko swallowed. "I- uh- had a feeling you could do that", her voice broke in the middle. Must she do this now? She wasn't in the right mood for mind games.
"Tell me, human-god", the Lady said casually, "what magic did you cast on my son that he came to consider, even briefly, the wishes of another being?"
"What?" Sachiko's frowned. "Sesshomaru doesn't consider anyone's wishes, he just does what he wants…" She froze.
Alright, now I am done for. Slowly, wearily, she peeked at the demoness from under her lashes.
"Yes, quite true", the Lady tapped a finger to her chin, looking ruminative, "Apart from your poorly- developed powers, there is nothing quite special about you. There isn't much to be said about your looks, and the reek of sorrow and desperation is only amusing for a little while before it starts getting dreadfully repugnant…"
Sachiko fumed silently. She was tired, emotionally distressed and hadn't even finished her unappetizing dinner. And every time she moved even a little bit her whole body screamed in agony. Didn't she deserve a little rest, to at least get her shit together? She so badly wanted to be left alone. She was in no mood for anyone's bullshit, demon or not.
Deep breaths, she grit her teeth, she'll insult me for a while, then she'll go away…
"All you are is a pitiful little girl who has bitten off more than she can chew and is suffering the consequences…."
"You know", Sachiko spat out before she could stop herself, "it'd be a lot nicer if women didn't put down each other every chance they got and started to show a little more compassion!"
It was as if the whole forest suddenly went silent. Not even a cricket chirped. In the ensuing silence, Sachiko could clearly hear the loud, erratic beating of heart pounding against her ears. An ominous chill spread over her skin, raising gooseflesh.
Alright…Now I've really done it.
Grandma, here I come!
A laugh rang through the forest like the chiming of many little bells. Sachiko briefly wondered if she was hallucinating, because surely, surely she couldn't be looking at the demoness who was Sesshomaru's mother actually engaging in something frivolous like laughter…The Lady threw her head back in glee, suddenly looking years younger, and Sachiko could only stare, because she was absolutely stunning.
Snap out of it! This is hardly the time to be questioning your sexuality!
"Oh, I see now", The demoness elegantly brought a pinky to the corner of her eye, brushing a tear away. "You took me by surprise, human- god. Yes, that is quite a remarkable power...Remarkable, yes, but dangerous, if you do not understand who you are dealing with."
Sachiko assumed that she wasn't in any immediate peril. She, however, couldn't shake off the chilling feeling that she had narrowly missed certain death. She wanted to ask what the hell the demoness was rambling about, but then realized that if the Lady had wanted to make herself clear, she would have done so without her needing to ask.
Sachiko sighed. "Aren't you angry?" She ventured wearily, just to be sure.
"Only appalled by your atrocious taste in men", the Lady shrugged, "Besides, what use would my anger be? You are practically at death's door. If I kill you off right now, it can only be considered an act of...compassion."
"Oh…", Sachiko said after a while, again at a loss. "I…just wanted to make something clear."
"Hm?"
Sachiko looked down on her lap, steering herself. "I am at a very vulnerable position right now, and Sesshomaru is…, he is someone I can rely on in this difficult situation. What I mean is that…", Sachiko gazed uncomfortably at the waters before her and bit her lip, trying to gather her wits. "Whatever feelings I have towards him, could probably be a result of my loneliness..." She flushed a brilliant red.
Here I am, Sachiko thought, heart pounding, here I am, having confessed to a demoness that I, a human, may have the hots for her son. She wondered if she could have managed this situation any better if she had been in a more coherent state of mind, not half- delirious from the pain and the emotional turmoil. Well, what use was thinking such things now, anyway? Clearing her throat, she continued.
"I know that Sesshomaru is a great demon, destined for great things and I- I am only a human who has no idea what she is doing, who'd probably die soon, just as you said", her voice trembled, "I know where I stand, so you needn't worry. I won't do anything that would cause your son any discomfort. Our agreement stands only till I reach the northern mountains anyway, and then we'll just part ways. Besides, Sesshomaru…he probably thinks I'm useless, and a total waste of time…And that's the way it should be, really! I am a human, after all; even with the powers of a god, there is no way I can match up to him..." Sachiko belatedly realized that she was rambling at this point, probably testing the demoness's patience, and decided to wrap it up.
"What I am saying is that, although I know I have these feelings, I won't act on them, since I know that it won't do either of us any good." She tried to smile, but even she knew that the expression on her face looked strained. "What point is there anyway, right?"
Why did she feel like crying? She shouldn't be crying in the middle of a negotiation! Oh no, her lips were starting to droop at the corners... The demoness would probably take a sniff and conclude that she wasn't entirely being truthful and decapitate her...
Whatever, Sachiko thought angrily, trying to sniff back tears, brittle smile in place. This was the best she could do, under the circumstances. Couldn't anyone see she was trying her darnedest to not be a liability? Didn't she deserve at least some kind of reward for not going into a mental breakdown despite everything?
It was a while before the Lady spoke again. "A word of advice, human- god", the demoness spared her a cool glance, "Take it from someone who had lived longer than you- if you do not act on what you desire, you can only watch with regret as it slips away from your fingers forever." Sachiko stared.
"I- I don't understand, milady, are you telling me to…Are you really alright with a human having feelings for your son?"
"Hayomi", the demoness said lazily, "that is what I am called."
"L-Lady Hayomi", Sachiko repeated in a dumbfounded whisper.
"I would have been furious about such things at one point of time", the demoness sighed, "but then the centuries roll by in the blink of an eye and you come to the realization that the things you were once taught to hold in the highest esteem- power, dominion, superiority -in reality they are nothing but illusions, perhaps stories we tell ourselves to lessen the interminable tedium of time. I have made my peace with this. Even my son, blind to such truths as he is, will come to realize this one day, sooner or later."
The ensuing silence was surprisingly companionable. Sachiko gazed ahead at the sky, at the pinpricks of stars beyond. How many of those stars are already dead, she wondered, their light just an illusion in her eyes, a mere reflection of something that probably wasn't even there, or transformed into something else entirely.
"Try to be honest with yourself, human god", said the Lady of the West. "If you must die, do so without any regrets. If you only have so many days left, live them for you and you alone; do not throw your life away with vague promises you simply cannot keep."
"Thank you." Sachiko tried her best to be discreet about wiping her tears away. "Thank you", she sniffed.
The demoness laid her head against the tree, closing her eyes. "Good grief", she sighed, something of a smile playing at her lips, "Playing nice really does tire me out."
Blinking, Sachiko opened her eyes again. She didn't even remember falling asleep. She had been dreaming of fireworks, streamers on bamboos and…
Amber eyes looked down at her, and she felt like she was trapped in the dream again.
"You called for me", said the demon impassively.
Sachiko blinked again. "Huh?"
Sesshomaru grew impatient. "Why did you speak my name?" He demanded. Sachiko, for her life, couldn't fathom what he was talking about. Wait a minute, she thought desperately, she didn't call out his name in her sleep, did she? Her face was suddenly aflame. Surely she hadn't done something so embarrassing like that…
"If you have nothing to say, then I am leaving."
"No wait!" Everything went blank, and the next she knew, her hand had grabbed a fistful of the trailing fabric of his sleeve. The demon lord glared down at her, demanding an explanation.
"Sit with me", her voice was raspy, "Can you sit here with me? Please?" She was ashamed at how desperate her voice sounded. The demon lord remained motionless, looking down at her with unreadable eyes. Trembling fingers detached themselves from the red of the fabric, and Sachiko, mortified, buried herself deeper into the bedding, shutting her eyes tight. Why, she lamented. Why did she have to act like some obsessive weirdo? When she opened her eyes, he would be gone, and what will she do then? How will she live with the shame?
Silk rustled. Sachiko, heart in her throat, peeked through her lashes. Sesshomaru sat to her side, leg drawn up, a striped wrist draped over the knee.
"Hn", he said in response to her staring, lip curled in displeasure.
"Sorry!" She squeaked, looking away. "I don't know what came over me."
Her head was suddenly awhirl. So he was sitting next to her. Now what? What do she talk about? Desperately she cast about, her brain returning only static. Why? She bemoaned internally. Why did she not think this through? She was dead tired and everything was happening so fast, but this seemed like an opportunity she just couldn't miss.
Maybe she was dreaming again; because of her continuously alternating between sleep and wakefulness, it was entirely possible that she wasn't even awake right now…
"How are you feeling?"
Distracted from her musings, Sachiko turned to look at him, unsure if she had she heard him right? "Pardon?"
Something like a sigh was heard from his direction. "I asked how you were feeling."
"I feel better now, compared to, um, before", Sachiko said in a rush. "Thanks for asking."
Amber eyes drifted in her direction, as if trying to assess for himself the credibility of her claims, then flickered back to gaze ahead at the forest.
Maybe this really is a dream… Sachiko thought dazedly. She wanted to pinch her cheeks to confirm, but her wounds stung painfully when she moved her arms.
Ow…
Not a dream then.
"I guess you're feeling pitiful today, " She murmured to herself.
"You are in pitiful state", the daiyoukai observed.
Sachiko winced. Yikes, didn't mean for him to hear that! Sighing, she stared at the bandages on her arms.
"I'm sorry; we lost a lot of time today as well. It feels like no matter how much I try; I can't help but be a burden to you."
"What is your intention of making this journey?" Sesshomaru said abruptly, making her start. "Is it simply to reach the northern mountains, then lay down and die?"
"Well", she licked her lips, caught off guard. "Haruo said-"
"To drag yourself to the mountains, then await further instructions, no doubt."
Her fingers curled around her blanket. "Something like that", she murmured despondently.
"Fool", Sesshomaru scoffed. "Have you ever thought that perhaps this god is toying with you? That your suffering is but a source of entertainment to him?"
Sachiko was momentarily stunned. "Are you…", she ventured, "worried?" The thought put a small smile on her face.
Beside her, the demon lord frowned in annoyance. "Don't be ridiculous ", he mocked, "To travel all the way to the north for you to get killed- it would only be a waste."
"Oh", she said. Sesshomaru thought she sounded a little disappointed. Sachiko licked her lips, trying to rearrange her thoughts into a more coherent fashion.
"It is quite possible that Haruo may be putting me in harm's way just for a bit of fun", she said, "I would be lying if I said I never considered that possibility. But…it is also possible that he can see things I can't, and he is acting according to some bigger picture. What I mean is that, I have decided to trust him. Yeah, I trust him", she repeated, as if trying to convince herself. "I don't think I have much of a choice to begin with. Besides, if he wanted to hurt me, he could have done so in much sinister ways. There is really nothing about me that he doesn't know."
On her side, Sesshomaru frowned. So the girl didn't trust the god completely, he surmised. He heard her trying to muffle her moans of pain as she tried to lie down on her side, facing him.
How pitiful, the demon Lord thought, this mortal creature, trying to survive. Gone was that woman who told him he owed her for her help saving Rin's life, the one that tracked him down and negotiated with two daiyoukai for safe passage to her destination. Sesshomaru looked back towards her.
Singed hair, red, raw patches cutting across the sickly pallor of her skin, pain. And everyday her eyes grow dull, the hope in them dying little by little.
I was supposed to keep her safe.
And she didn't even seem to blame him. The woman was prone to acting foolishly selfless, but this was a stretch, even for her.
"If you have had enough of suffering", he found himself saying, gazing ahead at the dark hues of the forest, "if you are weary of the pain, just say the word."
He turned to watch unblinking green eyes gazing at him, a frown marring the pale skin of her forehead.
"It will be quick", he said, "You will know no pain, I can ensure that."
Verdant eyes widened with realization and a frightened gasp escaped her lips. It took her a while to compose herself before she spoke again.
"How do you say such things with such a straight face?" Her tone was light, almost conversational, in contrast to her initial reaction. Sesshomaru felt a smirk stretch his lips.
"Are you frightened?"
"No", he heard her say, "I know you won't do it, not unless I ask you to." Her voice sounded plaintive, almost weary. "I don't care how far gone I am; I would never want to choose death. If I have a choice, I would want to live. It's…a human thing, I suppose."
Sesshomaru said nothing.
"Besides", she said quietly, "It would be really tragic if I am to be killed by your hand."
He quirked an eyebrow. "And why is that?"
"Just because", she smiled, as if she were privy to some secret he was not let in on.
This woman and her silly rambling, Sesshomaru mused silently.
"You really do pity me, to offer me something like that", she murmured, almost to herself. "Do you regret asking me for help? Do you regret having me burden you? "
"It is not in my nature to regret my actions", Sesshomaru replied derisively. "And any burden you are capable of imposing is too insignificant to even be considered so."
Crickets chirped against the blanket of the night, occasionally darting from behind random blades of grass. Stars blinked dully in the inky sky, paled against the glow of the bright moonlight.
Sachiko thought back to her dream, or illusion, or whatever it was. She still vividly remembered the look in the eyes of the dream version of him as he gazed at her.
If he loved me, she wondered, would he look at me like that?
Would he look at me with that much warmth? Kiss me? Hold me in his arms?
The long strands of his silvery hair almost brushed against the grass below. All she needed to do was extend her hand and she could touch those tresses, bright as moonlight. And yet he remained so distant, light years apart, far out of her reach.
When had it happened anyway? When did she start having feelings for him? And why did she have to have them now, standing at the crossroads of life and death, feeling everything so fiercely, with every ounce of her heart? Why did she have to meet him when she was at her lowest, her ugliest, her weakest?
A sob escaped her lips. Tears followed.
I'm acting like an idiot again…
So he doesn't love me, so he never will… It's not the end of the world…
Pull yourself together. Be glad. A month ago he wouldn't even talk to me, but now here he is, sitting right next to me.
She watched him watching her and hastily wiped her tears away.
"I'm alright!" She blurted. "I was just thinking of what happened inside the cocoon."
Sesshomaru was silent for a moment, as if debating whether he should contribute to the conversation. "You were dreaming", he said quietly.
"I was", she confirmed. "Although back then, it felt very real…
Fireworks, pretty yukata, the festival, a kiss.
"I was so happy you know, I was over the moon", she sighed dreamily, a little sad, "And I never even suspected a thing, because of all these... false memories, that were implanted in my brain. It was beautiful, but I am a little afraid: now that I know what happiness means to me, it is painfully clear that reality can never measure up to it." There was an expression clouding her features that looked sad and a little wishful as she gazed at him. "Because happiness seems so near, yet so far out of my reach."
"It was a dream", he said sternly, putting a stop to her mindless drivel. "Whatever happened, it was not real. You will only suffer if you keep dwelling on it."
Sachiko was speechless for a moment. "Yeah", her voice was soft, "you are right."
High in her nose, she felt the sting of unshed tears. She had cried so much today, she was sure everyone thought she had gone crazy. It was a dream, she told herself, as the painful memory of someone vanishing resurfaced in her heart. Turning her head away, she cried again, just a little. I'm sorry, she thought, although it was a futile gesture- mourning for someone who never even existed in the first place.
With some effort, she tried to turn her thoughts away from the tormenting reminiscence.
"Hey, do you think I will make it?" She wondered, trying to keep her tone light. "Do you think I have a chance?"
Sesshomaru could hear the undertones of both hope and despair in her voice, as if she already knew the answer to her own query, although she wished his answer was something else. Her strange green eyes reflected the pristine light of the moon, yet in them was a shadow, the hint of something lonely and stricken.
"No", he answered. Perhaps it was cruel to say so, but what use were paltry reassurances? "As you are now, there is little hope."
Sesshomaru heard her sigh. "I thought so", she said, voice laced with bitterness.
He wanted to say that she may have stood a chance, perhaps - if she had better training, if she had better control of her powers, if she had more time… The words stayed stuck in his throat, bound, hidden, because speaking them would mean crossing a line, stepping into uncharted territories…
Ignorant, she spoke again, gazing forlornly at her wounds. "One step forward, two steps back…" At his questioning stare, she smiled, although it didn't reach her eyes.
"My powers… the more they grow strong, the more my body weakens. It's a no-win situation. No wonder you think I won't make it…I can't do anything in this state. I do try to practice archery whenever I can, but even I can tell that it will barely suffice. I mean, what use are regular arrows against a god?" She looked morosely at the heavens, as if blaming the gods above for her misfortune. "And the talismans,…I don't know how much use they will be during an actual battle. Hotarou is still not in his true form, so I can't really use him for retrieving the heart…So to summarize", she gave a short, bitter laugh, "I am screwed. Might as well lay down here and cry myself to death now."
"… There is another", the demon lord said.
"Hm?"
"You possess another power. Perhaps something far more useful."
He could feel her intent stare on him. "What do you mean?"
It was irritating having to spell it out, especially since it was quite an irritating power. Yet Sesshomaru found that he was willing to let her know.
Just this once.
"Your words", he said, not sounding too pleased. "Your words can persuade a lesser being, bend them to your will."
There was a startled silence. Even without seeing her, Sesshomaru could guess the expression that was on her face. "You mean… mind control?"
Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes at her.
"That's impossible! Me… Mind control? No way!"
l. "Are you doubting my words?" The daiyoukai couldn't help an annoyed grow
"No, no", she amended hastily, "I believe you, please go on."
Annoying, Sesshomaru thought, but he continued, albeit tetchily, "However, it seems you must really mean your words, what you intend to happen. If you are not firm in your choices, if you hesitate the slightest, you will be unable to harness this power."
She was quiet for a while, trying to process this news. "This power…", she said slowly, "It is possible that I possess it, because it could work like an extension of how I use my talismans.
"How did you know I have this power anyway when I didn't? I haven't used it on you by any chance, have I?"
Sesshomaru pinned her with a withering glare. "You tried, several times."
Her mouth formed a series of soundless words. "Sorry about that", She said finally.
"You don't seem too pleased", Sesshomaru noted.
"Well, I- I don't know if I like that power", she ventured, "I mean, wasn't it annoying when I used it on you?"
"Only because I am not one to be fooled easily."
"Right. Isn't it wrong if I interfere with someone else's free will?"
Sesshomaru felt a flare of anger. "There will be plenty of time to wrestle with your conscience in the afterlife", he said crossly.
Sachiko blanched. What an idiot, her inner voice said. You were cribbing because you didn't have any powers, and when you finally realized you actually have a kickass power, which you were too stupid to even realize you did have, you have deep moral objections about using it.
Yeah, but I don't feel worthy of using this power. I don't think Haruo intended to give it to me…
Well then, maybe you finally caught a break! Why would you throw it away because of some philosophical dilemma? Calling you an idiot would only be an insult to the word, moron!
But still…
Ugh, get over yourself! This maybe your only choice! If you want to live, that is...
Sesshomaru snorted softly, out of the blue. "It is fortuitous that this power was given to you", he observed.
Sachiko blinked, pulled out of her reverie. "Huh?"
"With you thinking in circles, you will never be able to harness it properly. Had it been someone sensible enough to use it well, the effects would have been devastating. They could rule over the world perhaps, without even having to lift a finger."
Sachiko stared. How did he know I was thinking…in circles?
"Am I supposed to be offended?" She said flatly.
"Yes."
He saw something of that previous fire she held in her eyes flicker to life, if only for a moment. "Hey", she said, annoyed, "if you tip the balance of the world in your favor, sooner or later someone will come along to slay you, you know."
Sesshomaru shot her a dubious stare.
"Haruo told me", Sachiko explained. "A being who possesses such tremendous power will alter the balance of the world in their favor. That's why gods reside in the spiritual realm and not in the realm of mortals- because compared to mortals, they will have an unfair advantage. And that's why the fallen god is an anomaly. It is a being that doesn't completely belong to this realm, yet has so much power that if unchecked, could even destroy the world. And therefore the fallen god must be destroyed."
"And the one that must slay this fallen god…is you?" Sesshomaru enquired. Sachiko swallowed uncomfortably.
"Yeah, it seems like it", she breathed, uncertain.
"And what would happen, should you fall?"
"I guess someone else will take up my place", she said quietly.
The daiyoukai was quiet for a moment, listening to her heart beat its frenzied rhythm. The moon hid behind a host of dark clouds, casting them in darkness. Silence settled around them as they both remained engrossed in their own thoughts, allowing the sounds of nature to take over.
"This system you speak of demands much sacrifice", Sesshomaru said finally.
"Yes, but I am not in it for the heroics. I only want to be given a chance to live." Her gaze grew uncharacteristically solemn. "It is unfortunate but this must be my destiny- to slay the fallen god, or die trying."
The daiyoukai said nothing. What was there to say anyway? Bent beneath the weight of her obligation, the woman quailed, wavering in muted terror behind a cheerful façade. It was unfortunate that she had to be the one to carry out this quest. Despite her commendable effort to acquiesce with her destiny, it was clear as day that she didn't belong in this world of his, didn't deserve this cruel fate, this impossible mission.
The fallen god, he thought. Something that does not belong in this realm... Tenseiga weighed heavily on his hip.
"I must have bummed you out, huh?" Her voice said, half- jokingly. "Sorry about that."
Sesshomaru gazed ahead. "What is there to apologize about?"
"Well you know, me being a wet blanket and all…" She shrugged, although the effect was somewhat lost due to her lying down.
"…It is of no consequence", the daiyoukai said imperiously. "Do not fuss over such nonsense."
She looked to the stars above, a smile on her lips. "You know, it feels really good to get everything off my chest. It feels like I can finally breathe again, after such a long time."
"Hn."
"Sesshomaru", she called, her voice sweet and warm, like sunshine.
"Yes?"
"This is nice."
"What is?"
"Us. Talking. I'm glad."
High above, a breeze wove its way through long, full branches. Leaves rattled against each other, sounding like hushed whispers. Sesshomaru threw another glance over his shoulder, seeing her yawn.
"Thank you", she said, eyelids fluttering to stave off the impending slumber, "for keeping me company. For everything, really."
"Go to sleep ", he commanded.
"Mm-hm." Sachiko smiled, letting her eyes close. "G'night", she mumbled.
It was strange, maybe she was still delirious, but he felt like…
Rain, she thought sleepily.
Like distant, reassuring rumbles of thunder and the loud patter of rain over the lush, waiting forest, slamming loosely into the earth like gunfire, the resonant howl of cold wind through the branches. Was this what Kaede had called an aura? It felt... comforting. Safe, she sighed happily.
Sesshomaru watched her as she settled into her sleeping bag, pulling her blanket around her, letting herself be lulled back into pleasant sleep. Propped up against the tree, he listened to the quiet sounds of her breathing and waited for the night to end.
It took another two days for her wounds to properly heal. Sachiko woke early, feeling a lot better. The bandages were off, and Sachiko sighed in relief at her wounds having healed. She flexed and unflexed her unscarred fingers. It seemed her healing powers were finally back full throttle.
"Good morning Jaken", she greeted the imp cheerfully when he caught her sight.
"Feh", said Jaken. Mumbling something distasteful, he tottered over to a large cloth bundle nearby. He turned, looking irritated at her not following. "Come over here, girl!" He snapped. Sachiko sauntered over, humming quizzically at the bundle.
"Here, I am not going to carry it around anymore", he barked, pushing it towards her. Kneeling down, Sachiko undid the knot that tied the ends of the ochre cloth together.
She gasped. "This- where did you get it?"
"Where else? That riverbank of course!"
Sachiko stared mutely at the collection of herbs, infused with the river god's essence. "It must have taken so long! You went all the way back there!" She cried.
"It only took a day and a half, and we flew continuously, while you kept sleeping", the imp said in a no- nonsense tone. "Now do you realize what I mean when I say you are slowing us down?"
Sachiko was not someone who acted overly familiar with people, so perhaps it was the first time in her life when she hugged something that didn't want to be hugged.
"U-unhand me, you wretched woman!" Jaken squirmed in her grasp. "What is with human females and the invasion of personal space?"
"Sachiko." A deep voice made her look up. Sesshomaru stood before her, his face unreadable as always. "Come."
"Yes!" Hastily she stood up, placing the scandalized imp on the ground, already on her heels.
She seemed to be doing better now, the daiyoukai surmised. Her wounds had healed and she looked less ill. She had cut off the singed sections of her hair with a small pair of scissors. Now her hair, thinner and shorter and less even than before, was tied back in a ponytail that bobbed up and down as she rushed to catch up to him.
The daiyoukai walked over to Ah- Un, retrieving something from a satchel attached to its saddle. She saw his hand move and something was tossed back in the air, something that caught the light of the sun and glittered beautifully. She held out her hands and caught it, opening her fingers to gaze at the shard of the pale blue crystal.
"What is this?"
"It will keep you hidden", Sesshomaru informed imperiously, running a hand through his silken tresses. "It, however, cannot protect you from your own stupidity, should you choose to walk into danger."
Sachiko had lost count of how many times she had thanked him and Jaken over the course of the month. The words seemed overused at this point, stripped of meaning, just a series of noises that made little sense. So she just settled for nodding, dipping her head gratefully.
When she showed the shard to a curious Jaken, the kappa went bug eyed. "The- the Tengu's heart! Milord, did you defeat the great crow of Mount Tengu? You never told me!" Paying him no heed, Sesshomaru walked away, the querulous Jaken at his heels. Sachiko watched them leave.
Alone, Sachiko gazed intently at the pale blue crystal, tracing a finger along its edges. "Tengu's heart", she murmured, allowing a fond smile to grace her lips as she lovingly held it to her heart.
Here's an extra extra long chapter to make up for my long absence. I didn't want to stop writing, just that life happened so fast and I was stumped with the stresses of all the sudden changes. My exams are done and I am half- dead btw...Thanks to everyone who asked.
So, this could be considered as progress, right? I want to warn you all though, this is going to be a slow burn. If you are only in it for the romance, it may take a while to happen.
I did try to throw in clues of Sachiko's powers of persuasion occasionally in the previous chapters. Did any of you catch it?
Oh, Tengu's heart was the crystal mentioned in the prologue.
As always, reviews and favorites are greatly appreciated! See you next chapter! ^_^