Your River of Violets

by hiddenmasquerade

The first time he sees her, she's a nine-year old girl with a violet in her hair — or in which Eren is a second-year resident physician who learns to accept and grow from his past.

Disclaimer: I have no medical knowledge, so apologies for any inaccuracies.

A lot of the inspiration from this piece came from the song "Manchurian Violet" by Ji Sung from the Kill Me, Heal Me OST (highly recommend this kdrama if you haven't seen it!).

I also took inspiration from "In Your Arms" by Kina Grannis and "Yellow" by Coldplay (specifically, the cover by Katherine Ho from Crazy Rich Asians. Something about the Mandarin version hits different with me). As always, all rights go to the respective artists and agencies.

Themes of grief follow, but nothing graphic.

---

Eren's day starts out like any other day: tiring.

He thought his first year was difficult, but his duties became even more demanding as he advanced another year into his internal medicine residency. Patients would sometimes come and go, their condition either turning in a favorable manner or for the worse. The surgery procedures were also difficult and risky. New cases popped up quite frequently and many had unclear outcomes. His specialty was constantly changing, needing to stay updated on all the kinds of new research and treatments.

Nevertheless, he loves the busy and dynamic lifestyle. More than anything, he loves helping someone with their life. He loves developing relationships with patients and seeing them smile when their health becomes better. He loves feeling like he's making a difference with someone. Overall, his specialty is rewarding, and this kind of life is something that he's always wanted ever since he was a young boy.

One morning, he's attending his patient rounds with his attending physician of two years, Dr. Zoe Hange. The day starts off with bad news: Kiyomi Azumabito is unfortunately in the late stages of kidney cancer.

For a person who was just told that they have an advanced form of cancer that is hard to cure, the older woman looks incredibly put together. She takes it all in stride, simply folding her hands into her lap and nodding with a serene appearance. Her pristine suit and perfectly coiled bun give her a regal aura while Hange offers the standard care of immunotherapy.

He's only begun his career, but Eren knows that this will always be the hardest part. Sometimes the work they can do will help. Unfortunately, sometimes they won't be able to.

Regardless, Eren will try his best to give these people the chance to fight for their lives.

When the appointment is over, he escorts Kiyomi out to the waiting room. While sending her off with a cordial smile, Eren briefly scans the people in the area and his expression falls when his green eyes meet a familiar shade of dark-grey.

Time slows down as Eren sees Mikasa Ackerman for the first time in almost six years.

She's wearing a lilac cardigan over a white dress. Her hair is much longer now, pulled back into a low ponytail. The darkness of her hair and the light pink of her lips are juxtaposed by her porcelain skin. As she stands up from her seat, her posture is the epitome of grace and poise. Mikasa's eyes enlarge in recognition and shock. A faint gasp comes from her open lips as one hand flies to her throat.

But there's no scarf covering her neck for her to hold onto, so her hand limply touches her collarbone.

Everything around them fades away as their eyes remain locked onto one another's. He doesn't register that he's stopped breathing. Kiyomi doesn't notice what occurred between the two and walks up to Mikasa, giving her a small smile. "Are you tired?"

Mikasa snaps out of her haze. She blinks hastily before directing her gaze back to the older woman in front of her. Her eyebrows furrow together gingerly as she responds softly with mild disbelief, "I should be asking you that."

He hasn't heard her (sweet) voice in so long. Unknowingly, something begins to ache in him – something Eren thought was long gone.

Kiyomi gives a little dry chuckle, the lines on her face becoming a little wearier. "I'm fine. Let's head out."

Mikasa gives a small nod, but not before giving Eren a look. It's a stare filled with so many emotions that his chest feels like it's being repeatedly pierced. Yet, he still can't glance away, making him curl up his fist. The insides of his stomach begin convoluting, forcing the ache to become stronger and more cognizant. However, the young man immediately tries to repress it. He clenches his jaw. The hand holding the clipboard tightens its grip, as though it could break through the plastic any moment now.

"Eren?" Hange calls out his name curiously. They've peeked their head out through the door of the waiting room.

He shakes himself out of his stupor, peering over his shoulder to nod back quickly. "Yeah, sorry."

The resident physician turns his back on the young woman gaping at him, knowing that her eyes would be full of hurt and confusion. Swallowing unsteadily, Eren realizes how parched his throat feels. He can hear the pounding of his heart against his rib cage as he walks briskly to his next appointment.

Yet, throughout the day, he can't stop thinking that even after all these years, Mikasa is as beautiful as the day he left her.

---

The first time he saw her, she was a small nine-year-old girl with a violet in her hair.

Eren Yeager had been seeing Levi and Kuchel Ackerman moving things in and out of their house for the past week. He didn't understand why at first. Nonetheless, the young boy finally understood one weekend when he was playing outside in the snow on his front yard with Armin.

The Ackerman's car pulled up into their driveway. Kuchel and Levi first got out. Slowly, a girl about his age stepped out.

Her long hair fell in front of her eyes, obscuring her face from him. She looked timid, shoulders scrunching together and posture stiffening. Her puffy winter jacket made her seem even more tiny. While Levi began to open the trunk, Kuchel crouched down to the girl's level and gave her a gentle smile. The girl kept her eyes trained on her feet and refused to look up. The older woman maintained her expression, reaching into her pocket and taking something out.

Brushing the bangs out of her dark-grey eyes, Kuchel took the object and placed it on her head. After a moment, Eren realized that the object was a clip. The light purple stood out in contrast to her black hair. He squinted a little bit and noted that it was in the shape of a flower.

Instantly, he thought of the violets that grew by the willow tree in the park he always played in.

Even from a distance, Eren could see how surprised the girl looked upon that action. She recoiled a bit, but Kuchel began stroking her cheeks. As the seconds ticked by, he saw her begin to relax. He saw the older woman's lips moving but didn't hear what she was saying. Then, Eren saw the girl's eyes widen and her bottom lip tremble. The girl gave a slow nod before Kuchel's smile grew even wider and warmer.

Soon enough, the three of them entered the house. Despite his age, the nine-year-old felt something nudge him while watching the sight. Upon hearing Armin say something, Eren directed his attention back to the snowman, pushing thoughts of the young girl out of his mind.

When she showed up on Monday in his class, Eren found out her name was Mikasa Ackerman.

As she introduced herself, he raised an eyebrow at her withdrawn demeanor. She seemed the complete opposite from him. Mikasa appeared quiet, reserved and demure. Eren was loud, outgoing and moody. She was like dewdrops trickling down the petals of a flower under the orange sun. He was like fire smoldering through a forest, leaving nothing ashes and dusts in its path.

Yet, something about her drew him to her. Maybe it was because of those differences. Maybe it was because she was new. And maybe it was because it seemed like there was something missing to her.

Regardless, it was natural for him to go up to her during recess while she was sitting alone in a corner of the classroom and say, "I'm Eren, your next-door neighbor."

Clearly, Mikasa was not expecting anyone to talk to her. She gave a little startle, shuffling a bit on the ground as though she wanted to scoot further away from him. However, she seemed to decide against it and shyly nodded back.

Inquisitive as ever, Eren only could ask, "Why did you move here in the middle of the year?"

She didn't say anything at first, merely ducking her head and looking at the ground. Outside, flurries of snow swirled in the wind, hitting the window glass. Eren was never one for waiting, so he knelt to the floor and poked her.

At the lack of initial response, he pursed his lips in confusion and asked, "Is it a big deal?"

Mikasa tucked her knees close to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. "My parents got into a car accident a month ago… I'm living with my aunt and cousin now," she finally whispered. He could see the beginnings of tears come out of her eyes.

He was only around nine at this point. Nevertheless, Eren knew what compassion was — even if he didn't know the exact definition. From a young age, he knew there was good and bad in this world. Because of that, he also knew there were things that one should do as a decent human being. Most importantly, he knew he wanted to help others. He wanted to give kindness and encouragement to others in their time of need.

And right now, he saw someone who he wanted to protect and care for.

So, Eren did what he thought was right: he took off his red scarf and wrapped it around her. He kept on going until the fabric completely covered her head. Her dark-grey eyes were barely peeking over the material. She had to tug the material down somewhat to breathe through her nose.

"Is it warm?"

Mikasa's eyes widened. She brought her hand up to the fabric and stroked it with her small fingers. "Yes. It is."

Unconsciously, a blush tinged his cheeks upon observing her reaction. As a nine-year-old, he didn't comprehend it. But the urge to care for her became stronger. Therefore, he was compelled to grab her hand and bring her up to her feet. Making eye contact with her, Eren said, "Let me introduce you to your new home."

As he pulled her towards Armin, he never would've expected that his actions would be the start of a lifelong supply of strength for this young girl.

---

He doesn't see her in the hospital again until about three weeks later.

Kiyomi has come back for her check-up. Unfortunately, the first round of targeted drugs has not worked, so Hange offers a new combination to help treat the cancer. Like the initial visit, the woman is composed and collected, unaffected when given the test results. Her demeanor is still poised as she takes all the information in stride, asking the necessary questions at the appropriate time.

Like last time, he escorts Kiyomi out to the waiting room when the appointment is over.

And like last time, Eren sees Mikasa.

This time, however, she's sitting in a seat by the corner and looking out the window. Her elbow is propped on the armrest, her chin resting on top of the back of her hand. The sun hits her face in a way that accentuates the contours of her face. The fullness of her eyelashes casts small shadows against her skin. Strands of her long hair tickle her cheeks.

Most noticeably, her eyes are glazed over. They're unfocused as they stare out the window, as if she were recalling some sort of memory.

"Mikasa," Kiyomi calls out gently, striding over to her seat.

Coming out of her reverie, she gives Kiyomi a small smile before her gaze falls on Eren. Her lips part in shock. Hesitantly rising, her posture is rigid with tension. He shifts his weight, discomfort hitting him at full force. He wants to look away from her (beautiful) face but discovers he's unable to. The sound and bustle amid the hospital fade away as they maintain eye contact.

"Do you think I can fly away to meet my parents?"

His heart races a little faster. Eren feels his throat constrict, but puts on a blank expression, masking any sort of emotion or memory overcoming him. He thinks it works because something changes in Mikasa's appearance, making her seem more crestfallen and resigned. Her posture slumps somewhat. He detects her fingers tighten on the strap of her bag.

Swallowing with a bit more difficulty than he would've liked to, he faces Kiyomi and says, "Please let us know if you need anything else."

Kiyomi gives a little nod and pats Mikasa's arm, as if telling her they should leave. Eren also turns his back on the two, leaving to get to his next destination. He navigates his way among the horde of doctors, nurses and patients through the halls, trying to forget the images and memories rushing through his vision.

Although after he passes through a set of doors, the young man freezes upon hearing a familiar, breathless voice say, "Eren."

He doesn't move from his position. Tentative footsteps come up behind him and then pause. He doesn't need to rotate to know that she's probably rubbing her neck right now, trying to feel a nonexistent material as her anchor.

The young man chuckles (bitterly) to himself. It never really took much for him to know how she felt.

"How have you been?" Mikasa asks, her tone genuinely curious but also hesitant.

An abrupt and potent feeling surges through him.

Gradually, Eren twists his body to face her. Mikasa's high, prominent cheekbones are dusted a mild pink, a stark contrast to her smooth porcelain skin. Like he thought, one hand is limply touching her throat while the other is clutching the handles of the bag hanging off her shoulder. Her dark-grey eyes are shining with various emotions and friction radiates off her. As if she were expecting the worst from this encounter but also hoping for the best.

Eren knows that this is how she is. But it doesn't stop him from clamping his fists, the nails digging into his palm. His shoulders unknowingly harden. His chest squeezes and releases erratically. In that instant, he wishes that she would stop.

"I'm fine. What are you doing here?" He finally answers, opting to tuck his fist into the pocket of his white coat. He tries to keep his voice void of emotion.

A flicker of hurt passes through her eyes. Guilt comes up in him. He doesn't want to be like this.

But there's a strong part of him that represses the feeling and shoves it deep down.

"Kiyomi is my aunt from my mother's side," she replies quietly. "We got in contact around five years ago when I moved to San Francisco to work."

Eren nods. "We'll do our best to take care of her," he asserts, his doctor mentality leaking through his tone. A vehement voice in his mind says that if he needs to continue seeing her, he'll treat her like he's treated so many family members of patients: with cordiality and respect.

Mikasa's forehead scrunches delicately. There are mixed sentiments on her face, but he sees one of them is understanding. She tentatively nods, her lips pressing together firmly.

His shoulders relax a tad, but there's an underlying current swirling beneath. Nevertheless, the young man gives a polite smile before continuing his way to his next appointment.

Eren's day continues. When he finally has a moment to breathe amid his busy schedule, he goes to the outside patio to rest. As he steps through the doors, the wind tickles his cheeks and billows his white coat. The stray hairs from his updo brush gingerly against his face. The sound of the city and people beneath him fill his ears. Looking up, Eren takes in the beautiful clear blue horizon, the sun and the scenery around him.

Above him, there are a few birds sailing across the sky.

"Do you think I can fly away to meet my parents?"

Gritting his teeth and letting out a heavy sigh, Eren slams a fist on the railing, bending over. He concentrates on willing the memories to go away because none of them were him anymore.

"Why would you want to leave when you have us here?"

He slams his fist again. It doesn't work.

---

Another check-up passes. The combination of drugs works this time to mitigate the spread of the cancer. When he escorts her out, Eren dares a peek at the waiting room but doesn't see Mikasa. He ignores the little prickle stabbing him and tells himself to move forward.

Things eventually start progressing well. Eren discerns as each appointment goes by, the lines on Kiyomi's face begin to loosen subtly. Her usual serene and blank face starts to brighten up and glow whenever they interact. Her eyes also start twinkling subtly whenever Hange gives positive updates.

It makes Eren also feel lighter and warmer. The young man spent so much time and effort getting to this point but rewarding moments like these made everything worth it.

Although each time he escorts Kiyomi out, the lighter mood is somewhat diminished when he notices Mikasa still doesn't show up. Immediately, he scolds himself because the happiness that comes with helping someone have a better life shouldn't be overshadowed by that.

Eren made his choice six years ago. And he knows he doesn't regret it if it means being able to help others fight for their lives.

It's what he wanted.

One night, Kiyomi calls about a severe pain in her lower abdomen and immediately schedules an appointment in the early morning.

When she arrives, Eren ushers her to the lab to perform some tests on her. A few days later, him and Hange arrive at the examination room and see the older woman sitting on the bed. Lacking her usual pristine suit but still donning her bun, Kiyomi is now in a blue patient gown. He notices that her lips are pressed a little more tightly together, making them appear thinner. Despite her typical serene appearance, her features are more defined and haggard.

This time, Mikasa is also in the room, sitting in the chair by the bed. Her dark-grey eyes meet his green ones briefly, before they quickly divert to her feet. She crosses her arms, her posture becoming a bit more rigid. Feeling on edge, he immediately looks away to the files in his hand, scanning the test results that he's already seen. His heart thumps rapidly against his rib cage. Yet in his haste, Eren abruptly realizes he's done nothing to ameliorate the tension in the air, leaving the others in the room subject to the awkwardness of this encounter.

Thankfully, Hange doesn't detect — or chooses not to comment on — the growing friction in the atmosphere and steps forward without hesitation to Mikasa. "Hello, my name is Dr. Zoe Hange. I don't believe we've met," they introduce themselves with their typical wide smile and upbeat voice, offering a hand.

Mikasa glances up at the hand in front of her, her eyes widening fractionally. But she recovers and extends her hand also. In her soft tone, she replies, "Hello. I'm Mikasa. I'm her niece."

Hange nods prior to facing Kiyomi. Eren inaudibly exhales, unconsciously loosening the stiffness from his shoulders and moving from the initial shock.

Continuing to look down at the files, the resident hears Hange kindly say, "It seems that the immunotherapy worked for a little bit. But based on the tests we did a few days ago, the tumor has spread to another region and it's unclear if another combination of immune inhibitors will work."

Silence fills the room.

Eren's gaze shifts up, first peeking at Hange. Their face is a little wearier and their smile seems more forced. Then, he looks at the two other people in the room. Kiyomi appears as put together as she ever was. Her face is void of any emotion and her eyes betray nothing of her feelings. Her hands are folded across her lap and her head dips in acknowledgement upon listening to Hange.

Mikasa at first seems to mirror her aunt's seemingly stoic expression. However, he sees all color drain from her face. If he didn't know her for so long, Eren wouldn't have been able to tell that her eyes wordlessly conveyed her distress. The resident didn't have to observe her for long to tell her emotions were swirling and raging within her. He knows that she was stunned, dismayed and fearful of the unknown.

Distantly, he recalls the times he saw that same look when they were both younger. Something clenches bitterly within his chest, causing him to turn away.

"We're going to try different kinds of therapies to fight the spread. If you have some time now, we could get you started on some preliminary tests for chemotherapy," Hange continues.

Kiyomi gives a small sigh — probably the biggest outward sign of emotion Eren's seen her give — and proceeds to follow his superior out of the room. Mikasa immediately stands up and moves forward to help her aunt get off the bed, putting one arm around her shoulders and using the other to steady her movements. The older woman gives her niece a small smile and pats her hand in an affectionate gesture.

Even in the face of distressing news, Eren can't help but admire how Kiyomi is still resilient and headstrong.

Like his mother was. Suddenly, his feet are planted to the floor. As he continues observing them, Eren reverts to that young teenager who was helpless and couldn't do anything.

There was a time when he felt indescribable pain from his mother's death. It felt like he was alone in a dark tunnel with no way of finding the end. It felt like he was stuck in a storm at sea, stranded and trying to stay afloat amid the murky deep water.

But Eren grew. He walked out of that tunnel and made his own road. He fought against that storm and made his way back to shore.

Yet, when he looks at the two women in front of him, it burns and scorches like it hasn't in a long time.

With regal-like manners, Kiyomi heads out the doors with Hange, leaving Eren and Mikasa alone. Both wordlessly understand the change of events and make the initial effort to avoid looking at one another. Her body faces away from him as she stares absent-mindedly down at the bed. He tries to will his feet to move to get to his next destination.

It doesn't work.

Eren's throat closes in discomfort. The air is thick again with unease. He dares to peek at her from the corner of his eye and discovers Mikasa's emotions are threatening to spill across her blank expression. She hunches over subtly, bringing one hand to rub the space between her brows. Closing her eyes, Mikasa lets out a tiny sigh and folds her other arm around her abdomen, as if protecting herself from whatever is overwhelming her.

When Eren studies the young woman, part of him feels the doctor within him kick in. He feels the need to calmly placate whatever sentiments she's feeling in a hard time in an objective manner. It's what he should do. It's what he'll continue to do for people in his career.

On the other hand, a forgotten part of him comes alive — a part he thought he shed.

The resident blinks and sees peaceful days filled with laughter, joy and simplicity. He sees the onslaught of memories of a young boy who only wanted to protect those he loved. Eren feels himself revert to that nine-year-old who just wanted to give Mikasa a home by wrapping his scarf around her. He goes back to being that person who wanted to care for her and make her happy.

But he blinks again and he's back in the hospital room. As he takes in their surroundings, Eren is reminded that those days are over. And that life has changed them both — him more than her.

So, he represses the young boy and brings out the doctor.

"It's never easy hearing that kind of news," he starts off. She gives no outward acknowledgement of his words, continuing to stay in that position and rub her forehead.

"But we'll do our best to help. She's in good hands," Eren continues. Mikasa still doesn't open her eyes. Rather, she screws them more shut, crinkles forming even more harshly in her forehead. Her bangs fall in front of her face, shielding her expression from his view.

The young boy within him has the urge to reach out and brush her hair back. The doctor within him, however, prompts him to say, "We won't stop putting in any effort possible. Please let us know of any changes in her condition."

He turns to leave, his chest contorting and stinging. He feels the young boy throw a tantrum.

"Eren."

Mikasa's voice is barely above a whisper, but he hears it loud and clear. The tips of his ears are on fire. Twisting his head over his shoulder, Eren looks to see she's finally opened her eyes. Upon noticing the dull and faded glow in them, his heart just sinks to the floor. They glimmer with unshed tears, and he catches the tiniest tremble of her bottom lip.

"I know you won't give up."

The young boy rips apart his insides.

---

The first time Eren realized his relationship with Mikasa changed was when he was 15 years old.

They were at the park with their group of friends. At the end of the school day, they always liked lounging underneath the big willow tree, enjoying the fresh air and the scenery.

Him and Jean were always at one another's throats when they were younger. This time was no different. For the life of him, he couldn't remember what started the scuffle. Eren just remembered wrestling with Jean on the dirt and grass and the laughter from their friends that followed.

When no one attempted to stop them, they finally registered that their fight was nothing more than a childish squabble. The two got off one another and fell side by side onto the grass. He shifted his head to the right and saw Mikasa sitting against the trunk with her legs stretched out in front of her.

His view was tilted, but the angle did nothing to hide her beauty.

Mikasa's hair fell just down to her shoulders, the locks brushing her chin. Although the spring temperature was rising, she was wearing that red scarf he had given her six years ago. Her dark-grey eyes were tender and sparkling with laughter. Her lips were curved up into a gentle smile. The contours of her face were looser, and she looked much younger than how she normally appeared.

Eren liked to think he helped her in the last six years. He knew Mikasa wasn't happy when she initially moved here. But the teenager knew from the moment he saw her that he wanted to help her. He wanted her to be content and comfortable. He wanted to give her a new home and protect her.

At a young age, he thought it was because he wanted to be a hero — her hero.

The noise drowned out around him, and his focus was only on her. He sat up on his elbows to get a better view of the teenager. She wasn't looking at him, instead opting to glance at something in the distance. A breeze calmly blew in the air, tickling her hair and causing the strands to fly in front of her face. She leaned back on one hand as she slowly reached across her forehead to tuck the stray hairs behind her ears.

For some strange reason, Eren had the desire to do so himself.

Tilting her head slightly, her vision fell on Armin who was sitting beside her. Someone vaguely said something, eliciting a roaring laughter from the group. Mikasa also let out a little chuckle, showing her teeth and beaming. Her eyes crinkled at the corners, almost closing in joy. Her cheeks became a little flushed and she looked so peaceful.

Mikasa looked so happy.

Eren felt a light blush overcome him. He couldn't help but feel delighted that he helped give her a life with friends and family to look forward to. Yet, something was different about this kind of contentment.

As a teenager, he didn't fully comprehend it. But he knew with a startling passion that he wanted to freeze time as it was now.

So, he didn't stop himself from thinking that Mikasa was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

---

Eren sees her around more frequently now.

Kiyomi's check-ups become more frequent when the treatment becomes more taxing on her body. Mikasa is there throughout the next sessions, her eyes inquisitive and carrying traces of anxiety. There's a stiffness to her spine as she sits by her aunt's side. He notices she'll sometimes reach up as if she'll touch her throat but pause her movements halfway. Eventually, the young woman opts for clutching her aunt's arm.

In the back of Eren's mind, he recognizes that she needs an anchor to hold onto — in case.

They both make attempts to avoid one another's gaze. The distance between them is professional. Overall, they act as complete strangers to one another. Eren continues shadowing his superior and attempting to dissuade any potential awkwardness.

It's fine with him. It's how it should be. Time has passed and they're bound to change. He knows he has. Furthermore, he has a job to do: he's not going to let his past interfere.

Therefore, Eren ignores any old feeling — no matter how big or small — rising in him.

Gradually, the chemotherapy works smoothly enough so that Kiyomi's cheeks are not as sunken and regain a semblance of health. Her posture was always poised, but there's some more energy to her as the months go by. Mikasa also seems a little more relaxed as time goes on. Her previously rigid posture is now a little looser. She doesn't seem to grip her aunt's arm as firmly anymore.

With the change in Kiyomi's health, something also dissipates between them. They still don't make conversation with one another, but the two don't try to ignore one another as much. Occasionally, they'll make eye contact, however, Eren discovers there's not as much of a tug in his rib cage now. He recognizes they've reached an unusual situation where they don't feel that uneasy around one another other but don't want to initiate anything else.

One day, they find out that Kiyomi has a relapse after she talked about more and more difficulties breathing. The tumor has spread to another region, affecting the lungs now.

When Hange breaks the news, the patient is still as ever. But Eren catches the slump of her shoulders and the small exhale from her mouth. In that moment, Kiyomi's features become extremely exhausted and worn.

Mikasa's eyes widen from distress and shock. A tremor runs through her face. All color fades from her face as she looks at her aunt with a gaping mouth. One hand goes to the junction of her throat, forming a fist and laying it against her chest.

Eren also is not unaffected by the news. Therefore, when Kiyomi leaves the imaging lab after another round of tests, he puts his hands on the counter and heaves a large sigh.

He allows himself a moment of respite during this day. From the beginning of his pre-med path, Eren has been told that as a doctor, sometimes he would be able to make a difference in someone's life — and sometimes he wouldn't. It's been drilled into him from his peers, professors, attendings, and studies. Despite the preparation though, it's still disheartening and saddening to have an ambiguous outcome.

Most poignantly, he can't help but recall the helplessness during his mother's treatment.

Damn it.

His fists curl up and he slams one down on the granite surface, rattling the tools around him.

Yet, he's also clear that this isn't the time for his emotions to get the better of him. Inhaling a shaky breath, the resident stands up and straightens out his white coat. The only thing he can do right now is move forward — for his patients and for himself.

Eren moves out the room. When he steps outside though, he turns and finds Mikasa staring back at him. Her hair is outside of her usual ponytail and drapes over her shoulders. The strands frame her pale skin, and it shines underneath the hospital lights. Her eyes are uncertain and hold a little sheen, as if she were trying her best to restrain any other emotions.

Almost immediately, he feels the professionalism take over. Eren's face goes blank as he gives a small polite smile while asking, "What can I do for you?"

The doubt in her expression increases. She's silent briefly before softly responding, "You seemed upset earlier."

Eren's smile becomes more forced and detached. "Unfortunately, things like this can happen. This work requires emotional and mental resilience, but it's not possible to be completely objective every time."

She doesn't say anything. Instead, Mikasa clasps her hands in front of her body and averts her eyes. A little shadow falls over her face as she lowers her head slightly. "I know you've always wanted to help others. It must also be hard for you."

Why does she still think she knows him so well?

The resident fights back a little bristle.

Because you haven't—

A part of him clamps up immediately and violently pushes that tiny, lurking (and fierce) thought out of his mind. His face unknowingly darkens a shade, inciting the sudden compulsion to punch the wall. Nevertheless, Eren intakes a strained breath and attempts to say in a controlled, monotone voice, "I can imagine it's the same for you as well. Regardless of the uncertainties, we'll continue to do our best for your aunt."

He takes a few steps past the young woman. As he walks by, the familiar subtle sweet aroma emitting from Mikasa permeates his senses.

Violets, spring days filled with beautiful smiles and laughter, and red scarves appear in his vision.

However, the young man hastily blocks out those images as he continues down the hall. Distantly, Eren registers that many long-erased memories and thoughts have been stirred up recently.

"You haven't changed."

Eren immediately stops in his tracks, stunned. Mikasa's voice is quiet, but her words ring in his ears loudly and clearly.

But a quick and powerful spike of irritation stabs him because he has.

He glances back at her, wanting to reply with something. Nonetheless, the words die on his tongue when Eren discovers that she's looking at him with an indiscernible expression. Mikasa doesn't even seem like she consciously knew what she just said. She appears as though she's far-away from reality. A blend of sentiments is portrayed in her dark-grey eyes. All of them are fleeting, but he's able to make out nostalgia and sadness.

Eren's throat closes momentarily. There's a part that tells him he shouldn't be affected by what she's saying.

Yet, there's an overwhelming part that hotly says she doesn't know him anymore.

So, why?

All he replies is, "Everyone changes to some extent. Maybe you just can't tell with me."

Mikasa's eyebrows wrinkle together, making the lines on her face a little sharper. He continues walking, not needing — or wanting — to see her expression take on hurt.

Please stop.

The young boy in him begins crying.

---

The first time he realized he was in love with Mikasa Ackerman was when he was 17 years old.

The day came when the group of friends took a trip to the Cape during spring break. It was one of their final breaks before exams and they all wanted to relax before the end of the school year. So, they drove down and stayed at Armin's grandfather's house for the time.

One morning, some of them planned to wake up early to see the sunrise — the idea proposed by Armin. However, most of them were unable to get up in time (Sasha, Connie and Jean were clearly not early risers). Therefore, only Armin, Eren and Mikasa rolled out of bed, layered up and went down to the beach in about 30-degree weather to see the sight.

Upon first hearing his alarm, Eren honestly regretted the decision, automatically hitting the snooze button after much practice every morning during school. Hazily, he heard Armin shuffling around the room. While he lay on his side with a pillow over his head, Eren heard the door open and Mikasa's voice asking, "Are you two awake?"

Instinctively, he turned his head further into the cushion, trying to creep away from the light filtering through his vision. But then he remembered Mikasa was one of the people who backed up Armin, prompting him to groan because he didn't want to disappoint her.

Armin, with no problem with the ungodly hour, replied with his usual bright tone, "Yeah, but it seems like Eren isn't up for it."

"Oh. I guess it'll just be us then," Mikasa said, lowering her voice even more as if she was trying to not disrupt his sleep.

Remorse flashed through the teenager, making his head clear up. Grunting and forcing one eye open, Eren rolled over to face the two and groggily said, "I'm coming. Give me a few."

There was a time when Eren didn't think much of his relationship with Mikasa. There was a time when he thought he needed to be her friend and protector — when he needed to help her move forward in a new life.

Yet, somewhere along the way, it seemed like the roles began to reverse. She started looking out for him. It seemed like she was always trying to mother him. At first, it annoyed him and made him shrug Mikasa's efforts off; however, he recognized that he needed to take better care of himself so he wouldn't be a burden to her.

And then he began picking up on how her usually hard eyes would soften whenever she'd be around her friends. He noticed the way she'd purse her lips and furrow her brows gingerly every time she focused on a task in hand. He spotted how she'd hide behind her scarf if she felt extreme emotions, as if she needed something to anchor her to reality.

Then, he would catch himself perking up whenever she was around him, wanting to be nearer to her. He would often discover how easy it was for his eyes to seek her out amongst a crowd and linger on her form. He noticed that he would often go out of his way to please her, a flutter in his stomach whenever she'd reciprocate the action with a light flush and a gentle upturn of her lips.

Eren wasn't sure when or why their relationship changed. Regardless, when he got out of bed, he didn't miss how Mikasa's eyes lit up more and how her smile widened.

He also didn't miss the way her smile made his heart beat a little quicker and made him think that his lack of sleep was worth her happiness.

Which is how he found himself shivering, standing on the grass with a blanket wrapped around him. Armin and Mikasa were up ahead on the dirty white sand, looking energized and refreshed. The sea breeze blew at him, causing him to tuck himself further into the fuzzy fabric for warmth. The sky was still dim and cloudy. The water looked murky and gloomy.

As he scanned the area in his bleary state, his green eyes fell on Mikasa. She was wearing a tan jacket with that red scarf as the wind rustled around her. While bringing one hand to tighten the material around her neck, she also used her other to tuck her short hair behind her ears.

The teenager found himself entranced with the girl in his vision.

"Eren!" Mikasa called out, waving as a signal for him to come closer.

Why did his name sound so pleasant when it fell from her lips?

Almost against his will, his feet left the grass and slowly made his way down to the water where his two friends were. The sand was firm due to the low temperature, but he could still hear the distinct crunch underneath his shoes. His blanket billowed around his legs as he approached them.

"Impressed you actually got up for this," Armin said teasingly to him. Eren gave a half-hearted scowl but directed his gaze to the horizon. An orange light started glowing in the distance, brightening the foggy sky. It reflected off the water, illuminating the waves and wiping away any murkiness. Red, orange, purple, blue and white blended together.

Eren was too struck by the sight that he almost didn't hear Mikasa say in awe, "It's so beautiful."

As his vision fell on her, Eren took in her side profile as she held up her phone to take a picture. Her features were elegantly shaped as she focused on the task at hand. Her cheekbones were arched and prominent, making her look like regal and majestic. Her lashes cast small shadows against her lids. The sun hit her face that highlighted the contours of her face, giving her an angelic glow.

Indeed, the sunrise in front of them was beautiful. But it wasn't as beautiful as her.

Suddenly, that's when Eren knew.

He wasn't sure how long he felt this way.

There were signs the entire time. From the first time that he laid his eyes on her outside on that cold winter day. From the time that he wrapped his scarf around her. From the time when he understood how much Mikasa looked out for him, so he tried to become more independent. From the little moments throughout the years when he would look at her for too long or try to make her as happy as possible.

But Eren knew that even though he didn't know when it started, she'd always be the one for him.

And he knew that would never change.

---

They decide to try surgery to remove the tumor spreading in the lungs.

It's a risk. Her underlying medical condition and health before the spread of the cancer were not in a very stable condition. Furthermore, the tumor is in a difficult place to operate on. However, it's possible that the treatment could lead to a better outcome than radiation therapy alone.

The doctors give them time to make the final decision. While exiting the room, Eren peeks at the two briefly over his shoulder. Mikasa's spine is unyielding in her seat while Kiyomi's posture starts to slacken and look weary.

Hange and him are initially silent amid the distant chatter in the halls as they wait. His back is propped against the wall while he scans his notes, trying to distract himself from thoughts of the young woman in the room who he knows will be worrying over the uncertainties of the surgery.

"So, how long have you known her niece for?" Hange breaks him out of his reverie.

Eren's hands cease flipping through the pages. Tentatively peering up, he discovers they have a small, amused smile on their face. Their arms are loosely crossed and they're leaning nonchalantly on the wall on the other side of the hall.

He imagines his face takes on a bit of panic because Hange chuckles and says, "Relax. There hasn't been a reason to take you off this case. I'm just curious."

The resident doesn't say anything. His mouth falls marginally open and his throat closes. Averting his gaze, Eren responds, "We knew each other from when we were younger. I haven't seen her in about six years."

Hange nods thoughtfully, their face showing no judgement. They raise their arms up, stretching and rolling their head around. After a minute, they say, "Whenever you two are in the same room, it's like you're seeing a ghost."

Eren can only gape with an open mouth as Hange moves off the wall and takes a few steps forward, rapping the door lightly. Jolting out of his shock, he closes the files in his hand and trudges after his attending physician. The doctors find Kiyomi sitting as properly as ever and Mikasa with a hard expression. He tries to not take note of the way her eyes are tinged a faint red and how her hands are clasping her skirt.

"I'd like to do the surgery," Kiyomi says, with that same tranquil smile on her face.

Eren briefly glances at Mikasa, who avoids eye contact and stares at her lap. Her posture reminds him of a taut bow about to snap.

Hange smiles and says, "We can get started on a preliminary checkup then. Eren can lead you to the lab."

Kiyomi tilts her chin downward in acknowledgement and proceeds to go to the test center with him. Nothing out of the ordinary occurs while he's running the assessments until she asks, "How long has it been since you've seen Mikasa?"

His finger almost slips from the equipment. What was wrong with this day? Quickly peeking at Kiyomi's face, he sees that she appears genuinely curious. Deflecting his eyes, he mumbles, "About six years."

The older woman makes a humming noise, but it doesn't sound critical. Knowing that he got thrown off guard twice, Eren hopes that no more questions will come from her for the rest of the time. Thankfully, the next ten minutes proceed smoothly and there's nothing else of the sort from Kiyomi.

When he's finished, Eren weakly smiles and says, "You're all set. We'll see you in three weeks for further details."

She dips her head in gratitude and walks towards the doors. Prior to departing though, she rotates her body and gives Eren a small smile. "She certainly seems like she missed you."

He can only gawk while she exits without a backward glance. Closing his eyes momentarily, the young man tries to quell the various emotions surging through him. Memories that he can't make out clearly come to life in front of his eyes. Yet, he can recognize the familiar glow radiating from a smile and the happiness he used to feel whenever he was near that warmth.

The instant recollections cause a dull ache to form in his skull. Eren slams his fist on the counter. Part of him feels irritation because he's not that boy anymore. He's not the Eren she grew up. There's no reason for her to miss him.

And then there's this part that feels guilt. This part knows deep down that she'd always consider the well-being of those around her. It knows that his presence would cause what should be forgotten to stir up.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Eren scolds himself because no matter what, there's no point in feeling this way: what's done has been done for a long time and there's no way to go back. Not when going back meant he couldn't freely do what he wanted to do — what he needed to do.

Therefore, he straightens himself out and pushes those thoughts out of his mind.

It works until he finds Mikasa by a vending machine in the hall, sluggishly punching a few buttons. Eren thinks his legs will continue walking, but he discovers they don't. He's stuck in place, simply observing her.

The longer he watches her, the more he discerns her form seems a little thinner compared to their first encounter about ten months ago. One hand cradles the side of her head, the other is crossed beneath her chest. Dark circles lie underneath her eyes. He distantly registers the sound of people around them but can't take his attention away from her.

The machine gives a little thud, prompting Mikasa to bend down and retrieve the item. When she brings it out of the slot, he sees that it's just a simple plastic water bottle.

Eren involuntarily remembers a memory of a grieving young girl losing her appetite on a winter day. He remembers the worry when learning she wasn't getting enough nutrients. He remembers the excruciating strain and pull in his rib cage upon discovering how much she missed her parents.

It's the exact same sentiment that he's experiencing now.

His feet are rooted to the floor. Eren watches Mikasa unscrew the cap and take a delicate sip from the bottle. Rolling her neck around and closing her eyes, she grimaces lightly. A heavy exhale leaves her mouth, evident by the way her shoulders loosened and compressed again. She doesn't notice the dark-haired man at the end of the hallway, proceeding to presumably go back to the examination room. Eren lets out a deep breath, clutching the files in his hand.

Everything that should've been shed starts surging again.

The young boy begins throwing a tantrum. The young boy wants to care for someone in need. It wants to care for someone who was once special to him.

You left.

Upon hearing this voice, it's like he's dunked over the head with chilling water. But he knows that it's right: he already determined the boundaries when they first met all those months ago.

It's how it should be.

You don't deserve to care for her.

As the seconds pass, the prior voice becomes a little more twisted and hideous. Eren grits his teeth in frustration, the inner battle starting to poke and tear at him. Resolving to walk forward, he attempts to move but it's difficult for him to take the steps.

Unwillingly, images of the first time he saw that young girl flood his vision. How vulnerable and small she looked. How innocent she looked, even though she experienced something beyond what her age warranted. How tiny she looked in that classroom, sitting by herself as if she wanted to close herself off from everything in this world. How stunned she looked when a stranger showed her kindness by wrapping that scarf around her.

Abruptly, he's reminded of that insistent — childish, something remarks — part to protect her.

Strangely, that part takes ahold of him over anything else, propelling him to hurry to his locker. Grabbing an item from his bag and stuffing it into the pocket of his white coat, Eren sprints in record time to the receptionist desk in the waiting area. He pauses upon noticing the two of them are waiting by the elevators. Taking a deep breath, he cautiously follows them. One hand grasps his clipboard and the other is tucked into his pocket. The pounding of his heart resonates in his ears. His throat feels parched and dry.

Hesitantly stepping forward, he calls out, "Mikasa."

Vaguely, Eren recognizes that he hasn't said her name out loud for a long time. The syllables roll of his tongue in a familiar (and pleasant) way, producing another spike to pierce his rib cage.

Startled, she turns to him, her mouth opening and closing hastily. She looks back to her aunt momentarily before letting go of her arm and cautiously walking over to Eren. One hand clutches the strap of her bag. The other raises itself somewhat before swiftly falling to hang at her side.

She really hasn't changed.

Part of him feels bitter that he still knows her so well. And the other part feels a familiar emotion.

Mikasa ends up a safe distance in front of him, her gaze a bit scrutinizing. Eren shuffles his feet, instantly feeling like that young teenager who wanted to please her. The tips of his ears are burning. He avoids looking at her directly in the eyes, opting to focus right above her head. Wordlessly, he takes the meal supplement pouch out from his pocket, extending it to her. She glances down at it before peering back up at him, her brows furrowing in question.

Damn it.

"You look like you've lost some weight," he comments, trying to keep his tone as bland as possible. Inwardly, he cringes noting that his normal talent with words has disappeared.

Her mouth opens slightly, and surprise is written all over her expression. The noise around them drowns out. Mikasa's eyes glaze over, appearing as if she were contemplating her next action. She doesn't make any indication of accepting the item. Growing more and more nervous with each passing second, Eren is tempted to just tuck the object back in his pocket and leave.

As he's thinking of bolting, however, Mikasa blinks and the haze in her eyes is gone. Then, she reaches out tentatively to accept the item. Something changes in her face, yet Eren can't discern what kind of emotion it is. Her fingers press down delicately on the packet, but he takes care to avoid contact.

With a sudden pang, it seems like she tries as well.

"Thank you," she says faintly.

Something comfortable and familiar intensifies within him. Yet, it also begins to hurt.

Thus, he hurriedly departs and strides away. Eren registers a familiar set of dark-grey eyes falling on him but ignores the tingling compelling him to look back.

---

The surgery is set. Eren will be observing as Hange and a few other doctors do the operation.

Kiyomi stays over in the hospital the night prior so the doctors can monitor her condition. When the time comes, he enters the patient room and finds her sitting up on the bed, hands folded in her lap while two nurses check her vitals. He notices with a little twinge at how her cheeks are a bit hollower and sunken. Although she sits on the bed with a proper-as-ever posture and perfectly made bun, her entire demeanor is much wearier now.

Mikasa is sitting on the windowsill, giving Eren a view of her side profile as she watches the streets below. He tries to not take note of how the sun hits her in a way that seems to highlight the arch of her nose and the curve of her cheekbones. Her legs are crossed over one another while her shoulder leans lightly onto the glass. From this position, her neck appears very swanlike and graceful.

The older woman in the room sees Eren walking through the doors and lets out a smile. There are bags underneath her eyes. Her lips appear thinner and finer. Her face is devoid of makeup, making her look older than how she normally appears.

"Eren. How are you doing?" Kiyomi greets. In the corner of his vision, he notes Mikasa rotates so that he can't see her face.

"Good, thank you. How did you sleep?" Eren says, reciprocating the smile with his own.

A dry chuckle escapes Kiyomi's mouth. "As well as I could."

Mikasa lets out a barely audible sigh. The action doesn't escape him. However, he focuses his attention back to Kiyomi as he says, "They should be ready for you soon. I just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing."

Kiyomi's smile becomes less formal and more genuine. "I'm doing well, thank you."

Directing his attention towards the two nurses, he asks them, "If you're done, could you please take her to the operating room?"

They nod and help Kiyomi into a wheelchair. Finally, Mikasa spins away from the window and prepares to get up from her position. Yet, her aunt good-naturedly waves her off, halting her movements. Mikasa hesitantly sits back down on the sill, grasping the edge.

After Kiyomi has settled into the wheelchair, she rolls up to Eren, coming up a bit past his waist. Gently, she grabs his hand and rubs the back of it, her touch cool against his skin. Peering up at him, her eyes twinkle a bit and crinkle at the corners. "Thank you."

Contentment fills him. He also lets out a small beam. Briefly holding her hand and patting it, the resident responds, "It's what we're here for. I hope all goes well for your surgery."

Kiyomi nods, her expression unchanging. As she exits the doors, Eren's mood is light. This is what I'm doing this for. The ability to help others and make an impact on them. It's what he's always wanted.

What you wanted at the cost of giving up everything.

That little voice nudges him in a corner of his mind. Immediately, he feels the awkwardness settle in when he remembers the presence behind him. He's not sure what to do.

Part of him tells him to leave and start preparing for his next appointment. Another part of him tells him he should stay, especially after seeing her in such a disheartened state.

A barely audible sigh escapes the young woman in the room. Peeking cautiously over his shoulder, Eren sees Mikasa rub her temples with one hand while closing her eyes. Her forehead wrinkles as if she's experiencing a headache. She bends over slightly while the other hand curls itself into her lap.

Mikasa looks so much more vulnerable than the last time he saw her.

Almost against his volition, he asks in a low tone, "Are you feeling all right?" When the words leave his mouth, he silently winces at the obvious question.

She turns partially to him. He's taken aback by the red tinge of her eyes. She ducks her head rapidly and crosses her arms, squeezing them moderately.

"Yes," Mikasa answers simply. Nothing more, nothing less.

Eren's not sure of what to say. He's had training on how to placate family members of patients. He's seen his superiors do so. A hint of frustration circulates in him: although he's been trying to keep professional boundaries, he understands he should still have something to say.

But nothing comes to mind as he studies Mikasa. All he's reminded of is the young girl that he first met who looked lost and lonely in this world. It makes him feel tiny and incomplete again, provoking him to violently revolt from the emotion.

The resident clearly remembers the times when she cried because there were few. When he recognizes that she's probably been crying more recently, ice shoots through his veins. His stomach plummets to the floor and incites what should've been forgotten to come alive again.

A recollection of the way her eyes gleaned with tears during their first encounter makes a part of him want to comfort her so that she doesn't have to feel pain anymore.

But then a memory of how her eyes filled with despair when he chose to leave makes him deflect his gaze again.

Why are you looking back? Why aren't you moving forward?

Something nudges at him to forget everything. To forget the past and to just keep his distance. Eren agrees with this voice.

But, somehow, that doesn't stop him from saying, "I don't remember you crying this much."

Tension fills the room. He tries to mask his appearance into one of indifference — although, he's not sure if he succeeds — when her shocked stare abruptly falls on him. Now that she's completely faced him, the young man sees the strands of hair sticking out from her ponytail. The light from the ceiling hits her face, showing faint beads of sweat on her forehead.

He feels his entire body freeze in anticipation and regret at his words. Eren's fingers grip his pen a little more tightly. The more he waits for a response, the more he feels like disappearing from the room. But his feet are planted to the floor, unable to move.

After a long moment, Mikasa amazingly lets out the smallest smile. She gives a tiny dry chuckle and says, "I feel as though I've been crying over the littlest things lately."

Unsure of what to say, he just stands there observing Mikasa. Her expression is a mix of peace and suffering. It's so bittersweet.

And then something in Eren cracks.

Though, he's not sure which part: the young boy or him.

---

The first time he realized how much Mikasa Ackerman became his strength was when he was around 20 years old.

After that day in the Cape, there was a time that Eren wanted to give her everything. Every time he'd look at her, he would always think that she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Whenever they were in the same room, he sought her out, longing to be as close as possible to her. Whenever he was with her, he could be himself — the good and bad — to his heart's content. Anytime he looked to his future, he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his days with her.

Eren found out quickly that loving her was unexpected. It wasn't like how others his age described love or relationships.

It was like the sun rising in the early morning. It was like flowers scattering in the wind. It was like a meteor passing through the night sky, stars twinkling in the distance.

Loving her was natural.

Initially, he was uncertain of Mikasa's own feelings: there were times when he believed that she saw him as the young boy who gave her a home. Though, as time passed, something changed, and he became more certain: he wasn't imagining the way Mikasa felt about him.

Therefore, Eren decided he'd confess before high school was over. The three friends were in the middle of college applications and planned to stay close to one another, even if they couldn't go to the same school. Once applications were over, he'd tell her.

But then one winter day of his senior year, he got the news that his mother was diagnosed with cancer. In that instant, the world stopped for Eren. It was like he got forced into a tunnel with no way out. It was like he was drifting away sea, stranded in a raging storm and barely staying afloat.

What happened after was a blur. He remembered running out of the house, with no destination in mind. He remembered stumbling to the willow tree in that park, falling onto his knees and weeping with no restraint. He remembered his heart trying to find a safe place where the world continued in warmth and light. When he came home late at night and treaded to his bed, he recalled desperately hoping the day would merely be a dream.

Yet, when Eren woke up, nothing changed. Everything was dark, dull, cold and foggy. He was alone. The world was perpetually in frost and ice. Winter was here to stay forever.

The rest of the year went by in a haze. Inwardly, an inferno smoldered within him. Outwardly, he would appear cold and unfeeling. But there were many sporadic occasions when he'd show his true feelings, often raging at anyone who tried to approach him. There were people who tried to be there for him, including Mikasa and Armin. They tried leading him out of the darkness. They attempted to guide him back to shore.

Nevertheless, no matter how much they tried, it just wasn't the same.

When he was with his mother throughout her treatment, he saw what the doctors were doing and wanted to be like them — if not better than them. He wanted to save people and give them new lives. He wanted to help others have a chance to fight for their lives. That realization sparked something in him. It gave him a focus to channel his suffering into.

So, he made a goal. While Armin and Mikasa chose to go to the same college, he went to the one with the best pre-med program. The first two years truthfully flew by for him. Eren studied hard. He tried to understand all he could to help his mother. Nothing mattered to him more than making sure that his mother would make a healthy recovery.

In doing so, he spent less and less time with Mikasa and Armin, even though all three of them remained in their home state. For a time, it stung. Seeing how their eyes would dim when he'd turn them away killed him. Watching their expressions fall when he built up a wall around himself made him feel guilty. Knowing that they were hoping for things to go back to the way they once were ripped him apart.

Part of him thought he shouldn't shut them out — especially Mikasa.

And there was another part that told him it was fine. Things changed. He had a purpose and couldn't let anything get in the way of that. If they couldn't go back to simpler times, all he could do was move forward.

Soon, his mother was getting better. He had hope that his efforts — no matter how little — would help. He could clearly see the way out of this tunnel they were in. He could see the shore from the murkiness at sea. He could see his world brightening and thawing with spring days again.

During his sophomore year of college, he was back home for one long weekend, sitting beneath the willow tree in the park they always used to go to after school. His knees were tucked to his chest as he gaped blankly into the green expanse. The skies were clear. The sun was glowing. Some stray birds flew in the distance. The place was tranquil, the only discernible sound was the rustle of winds against the strands of grass.

It was cruel that he existed during such a beautiful day.

Despite everything, the cancer worsened. His mother was diagnosed at stage IV. The chances were even lower. When he found out, he saw the path to the end of the tunnel become more elongated. The shore slipped away from him. His world became covered with frost again. His moods became even more volatile, causing those around him to become wary of him.

Part of him felt remorseful for putting those around him through his outbursts. Carla was like a mother to others as well — including Armin and Mikasa. He shouldn't be isolating himself from them. They all were feeling anguish splitting them apart.

Yet, part of him didn't care. His grief was sending him on a path of self-destruction.

From a young age, all he wanted to do was take care of his loved ones. He wanted to protect them, no matter the cost.

But he couldn't protect his mother. His fists clenched at the thought, the nails digging harshly into his palms. However, Eren didn't stop himself from doing it again. He wanted to make himself suffer. He wanted to make himself bleed. Some sadistic part of him wanted to feel more pain. Maybe then he could be useful. Maybe then he wouldn't be so meaningless to just stand by while his mother went through treatment.

When he was young, he thought he could do anything. He thought his determination and perseverance would make the difference in everything. Now, he understood it couldn't — he couldn't.

Eren ducked his head further down, gritting his teeth. He breathed heavily out of his nose. In a sudden movement, the young man stood and spun around to punch the trunk of the tree behind him. The bark cut at his knuckles, but he honestly craved more of the feeling.

This was his punishment for not being able to be useful. For not being able to do something for the better. For not being able to protect his mother.

He continued at it for a few more moments before he sunk to the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks. His fists were purple, red and bruised. Some trickles of blood stained the skin. He hung his head while he sat on his knees in despair. Eren didn't know how long he stayed in that position for. He didn't register the hands gingerly touching his shoulders and the body that placed itself by his side.

"Eren."

Mikasa saying his name was not enough to stir him out of his misery. The young man choked out sobs. He couldn't move any part of his body, feeling as though so much weighed and pressed him down. It felt like he couldn't breathe. His insides felt like they were splitting him apart. His rib cage was bursting open, and the agony became too much for him to bear.

"Damn it. I'm useless," he gasped between his cries. The young woman next to him didn't say anything at first, remaining by his side on the ground as Eren punched the dirt.

Why was he like this? Why couldn't he do anything?

"Eren." Her voice was soft. He didn't listen, continuing to wallow in his bitter state.

There was no way he could get out of this tunnel. No way for him to be strong for his mother. No way to protect his mother.

"Eren." Mikasa's tone was more insistent this time as she reached for his shoulder. The young man roughly shrugged her hand off, but she didn't stop. Mikasa firmly, yet gently, grabbed him by the opening of his coat, forcing him to look at her.

"I have to tell you something," she said soothingly.

His first reaction was to brush her off. A hot spike of irritation shot through him. He didn't want her to see him like this. He never needed to try very hard around her, but that didn't mean Eren wanted her seeing him at his most vulnerable. It was these moments that he hated about himself. He needed to be strong. He needed to be an example for others. He needed to be their hero in this situation.

As Eren prepared to tell her to leave him alone, however, he froze. All his previous anger and torment faded away as he stared at her. Although the situation was serious, her eyes were warm and caring. He caught a slight mistiness in them. Vaguely, he noted that she looked like she may also start crying. Her expression was so tender, making Eren awestruck at the girl before him.

The most notable thing about her was that red scarf. In that instant, he thought back to the small girl who looked like her world ended when they first met.

"You gave me a family and home when I first came here," Mikasa said with so many poignant emotions apparent in her tone.

One hand rested on the ground as she kneeled by his side. He didn't notice it inched the smallest bit closer to him as her lips curved up into a calming smile. "You gave me hope and strength."

The other hand touched the fabric on her neck, and he caught the little flush on her cheeks. "And you wrapped this scarf around me."

Her hand on the ground touched his arm soothingly. Eren was dumbstruck. He couldn't look away from her grey eyes, transfixed by the sincerity conveyed in them. In his hazy vision filled with water, Mikasa's aura appeared as if it were glowing — as if she were an angel.

Even when he was at a low point, the young man thought she was extremely beautiful.

"Thank you. Because I never thought I would have any of those things again. So, please don't call yourself useless." Some water leaked out of her eyes as she broke out into an impossibly more genuine smile.

Nothing could stop the water droplets gushing down Eren's face, prompting this special person to bring him into her shoulder where he let all his frustrations and grief out. Breathing in her sweet scent, he shut his eyes. As if she were the only thing keeping him propped up, he tightly wrapped his arms around her for a hug. Eren felt his heartbeat race quicker and quicker and strengthened his hold on her.

He didn't know how things would end up. There was still uncertainty. A creeping darkness in his mind gnawed at him.

Yet, in that moment, Eren opened his eyes and saw the bed of violets beginning to bloom in the distance.

Suddenly, it was like the tunnel had a beaming burst of sunlight. The storm cleared up. Feeling and warmth re-entered his world.

It was like a rainbow forming in the sky after a heavy shower of rain.

Finally, he had hope.

---

The surgery goes well, but her condition is frail. They keep her in the hospital for a few weeks to monitor her progress. Eren visits her frequently. Although her body is in pain, Kiyomi continues to act in a regal and proper manner as though she never went through such a laborious surgery.

That also means seeing Mikasa on the weekends and occasionally during the weekdays. He'll do necessary checkups on Kiyomi while Mikasa will stand or sit by the side. The times are quiet but not unpleasant.

He's not exactly sure what to make of it, but both seemed to have gotten used to this strange relationship they have now.

One day, however, Eren finds Kiyomi sleeping when he comes in. Mikasa is sitting at the table by the window, typing away at something on her laptop when she spots him by the door. Her dark-grey eyes flicker to his momentarily before they drop back down to her computer.

Closing the door behind him, he tentatively moves to Kiyomi's bedside. Her hair is down from its bun, framing her gaunt face. IV cords are hooked onto her arms, which lay over the covers, hands covering one another. Forlornness settles in when he recognizes how frail she is now. The person on the bed is very different from the person he first met about a year ago. In that moment, he can't find it in himself to wake her up when he knows the recovery has been hard on her body.

"I can wake her up in a few minutes. Just let her sleep a little more."

Mikasa's hushed voice interrupts his musings amid the clicking of her keyboard. Eren veers his gaze to her and nods. As he studies her, he notes how tired she looks as she continues to press down on the keys. Despite her obvious fatigue, she also appears concentrated, her eyes shifting down and shifting up to her screen.

Before he can stop himself, he asks, "Are you still in software?"

The typing stops, leaving an abrupt silence that follows. Her eyes immediately meet his, inciting him to inwardly cringe. One eyebrow arches up gracefully. As she observes him, he becomes increasingly uncomfortable. His fists clench in his pockets and the awkwardness rushes through him.

Attempting to maintain a blank expression, Eren begins to turn away from the young woman after a moment of no response. Just as he's about to do so, however, something in her face relaxes. In a faint tone, she responds, "Yes."

It's a simple answer, but Eren feels much lighter. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. There's a little lull before she asks, "When did you come to San Francisco?"

He peeks at her from the corner of his vision. There's a little flush on her cheeks. Her hands are on the table and delicately curled up. Dark strands from her bangs fall over her eyes.

Throat closing momentarily, he responds, "Two years ago. I came for residency."

Mikasa nods slowly, biting the inside of her mouth. A little ruffle from behind halts their conversation. Kiyomi has woken up, her eyes bleary. Her niece immediately moves to stand up from the table, but she motions with her hand for her to stop. "I'm fine, don't mind me."

Eren directs his full attention to the patient in question and offers a smile in greetings before he proceeds to do his work. Yet, as the minutes go by, he discovers that he's more entranced than he should be with the young woman by the window.

She's still focusing on her screen. There's a little bit of a scrunch between her brows while her lips press together firmly. As he observes her, Eren is reminded of all the times Mikasa would have that same look on her face as she did her schoolwork. They'd study together in the library, and she'd never notice how he discreetly watched her with an affectionate expression. She never noticed how he would secretly admire her features and commit each detail of her lovely face to memory.

Those times were simpler — happier. In that second, there's a tiny (forgotten) wish to go back.

But then he blinks, and he's in the hospital. He's brought back to reality. He's not a young boy anymore who had all these childish notions of hope and love with Mikasa.

Eren is someone else now.

But something in his mind pokes at him that maybe he isn't.

---

Eren witnesses Mikasa's world shatter when Kiyomi passes away.

He's walking with Hange to their next appointment. Hange is alternating between chattering about the patient in question and some sort of new breakthrough they're making with an oncology study. Used to their antics, Eren half listens while engrossed in looking over the files for the upcoming appointment.

"Eren!"

Suddenly freezing, he whips around to see Mikasa running towards him. With a paler-than-normal face, desperation, anxiety and worry are portrayed on her appearance. His stomach sinks when she gets closer and Eren can see the tears forming in her dark-grey eyes.

"My aunt, please—"

Hange immediately moves, quickly calling some nearby nurses and doctors to come with them. They run down the hallway to the room, but Mikasa also goes with them. His attending physician then turns to her saying decisively, yet kindly, "Please stay outside the room."

Eren sees Mikasa's eyes flash with determination and defiance as she tries to enter with them, but Hange immediately puts up a hand to stop her. With a more resolute tone, they say, "Please let us do our job."

The young woman waivers, giving Hange enough time to say, "Eren, stay here." Then, they briskly step into the room, where him and Mikasa can distantly hear voices amid the beeping of the monitor before the doors closes.

Hearing the person beside him intake a hasty breath, Eren immediately snaps his head to the left. Mikasa is leaning against the wall, hunching over and cradling her head. With somewhat wobbly fingers, she rubs her temples as if she has a migraine. Shakier and louder breaths come from her lips, propelling Eren to go towards her without any hesitation.

Bringing his hands to her face, his grasp is gentle but firm as he says, "Mikasa, breathe."

She makes a choking sound. Drops of water start coming out of her enlarged and panic-stricken eyes. Her expression becomes more and more distant as broken pants fall out of her gaping mouth. Stray hairs have fallen out of her ponytail. Underneath his hands, Eren can feel her entire body is trembling and stiff as a board. He realizes if he weren't holding her right now, she'd probably have already collapsed to the ground.

"Mikasa."

Her eyes focus somewhat on him, indicating she's registered his words.

"Breathe in." She unevenly takes a stuttered breath. A tremor vibrates through her body.

"Breathe out." An exhale falls rapidly from her lips. Her cheeks puff out and in.

"Breathe in." Mikasa inhales her next breath a bit more steadily. Eren sees her throat doesn't constrict as raggedly.

"And now breathe out." She releases a lengthier exhale. The hand previously massaging her temple drops to her side.

Eren repeats the process with her a few more times before he trusts that she's fine. With increasingly stabler breaths, Mikasa lifts her hands to overlay Eren's cautiously.

They haven't touched one another like this in a very long time.

Nevertheless, it seems like the skin-to-skin contact placates her even more. Her skin is cold and clammy, but some pink returns to her cheeks. Shivers still run through her body, but it's not as rigid as it was before. The fear begins to leave her eyes bit by bit. As her expression gains clarity, he can see that she's escaped from whatever was previously in her mind. Hence, Eren lets himself be an anchor for her.

"Thank you," she whispers.

He feels himself go back to that young boy. For once though, he doesn't resist the feeling.

Without realizing it, he rubs little circles on her cheekbones like he used to do whenever Mikasa was upset. She lets out another long breath and slumps more against the wall. A hint of gratitude begins to shine in her eyes and Eren feels his heart racing faster as he stares at her.

In that moment, it feels like nothing's changed.

The soft click of the door brings him back. The resident rotates his head to see Hange in the doorway.

And from their expression, he knows.

Instant grief rushes through him.

When Eren veers his gaze back to Mikasa, he sees the prior gratitude vanish immediately. Her features contort, the lines becoming extremely harsh and convoluted. The glass has finally shattered and — in his shock — he can't stop her from falling to the floor in a lump.

He immediately crouches down. All color has disappeared from her face. Her bottom lip begins to quiver, and her eyes are impossibly wide. She lies on the ground on her knees. One of her hands comes up to cradle her head again, while the other clasps the fabric of her pants. Mikasa screws her eyes shut and grimaces, tears threatening to come out again. Her shoulders shudder and she's just a heap of flesh on the floor.

Vaguely, Eren hears Hange saying something in a compassionate manner, but all he can focus on is the young woman in front of him. For the past year, Mikasa always seemed untouchable. For as long as he's known her, she always seemed strong in the face of tough situations and trauma.

Now, she doesn't seem like that person at all.

In that moment, he's surprised to find how much he mourns the loss of that girl in his youth.

So, Eren tries reaching out to her shoulder to comfort her. But to his astonishment — and hurt — Mikasa promptly holds up a hand to stop him and immediately wipes her face of any distress or misery. Her expression is now stoic and blank.

Mikasa clears her throat before looking up to Hange with empty eyes and saying, "Are there procedures that I need to go through?"

Eren is stunned, to say the least. Hange flickers their gaze to his momentarily before responding hesitantly, "Yes… But you don't need to do those right now. You don't even need to do them today."

Mikasa shakes her head side to side vigorously. Bearing her weight onto the wall behind her, she stands up. One hand forms a fist near her throat as she replies coarsely, "No. I want to do them today."

He knows she's compartmentalizing her grief. Eren understands that she's suffering immensely but refusing to show it.

She's always been stubborn.

Instinctively, he extends his arm to grab her bicep and gently suggests, "Why don't you get some rest first?"

On surprisingly solid feet, Mikasa stares straight ahead and walks forward, shrugging off his hold. It's a small motion, but it makes sorrow shoot through him. For once, he doesn't try to quell it.

"Could you please get started on the paperwork?" she says with an emotionless tone.

Hange looks at her for a moment with a mixed expression. Eventually, however, they slowly nod and direct her to their office. He's soon left alone in the hall while the other nurses and doctors dissipate to their next tasks.

Weariness overcomes him as the events finally hit him at full force. It takes all he has not to just tumble onto the ground. The resident hangs his head and grits his teeth. A spike begins to stab his chest. Pressure begins to build in the back of his skull, causing him to pinch the bridge of his nose and groan.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this…

There's a dormant feeling that he thought was repressed from long ago bubbling to the surface. The feeling gets stronger and stronger the longer he stays in the hall. In that instant, Eren has the impulse to just flee. He wants to run out of the building and continue until there's no sight of civilization around him. Until he's far away, maybe up in the mountains, where he doesn't need to worry about anything and can be free of those burdens.

He wills his legs to take a step but can't seem to do so.

An image of the young woman on the floor just moments prior makes a flash of guilt run through him. The desire to run away becomes even more pressing.

You've always been selfish, a creeping voice in his head says dryly.

It's like Eren's doused with cold water. His green eyes fly open. Mouth agape, he doesn't know what to make of that. Indignation suddenly rises, inciting him to shove everything down.

Deep, deep down.

Therefore, he forces himself to move, almost stumbling over in the process. They stick to the floor as he trudges to his next destination. As he continues walking though, it becomes easier. Gradually as the day goes on, it feels like his mind increasingly becomes more automated. Every task he does is disassociated. Everything he touches has no feeling. Every word uttered from his lips seems monotone and flat. The bustle around him drowns out, as though he was underwater in a glass bubble. It's like his spirit has floated out of his body, hovering and watching over his physical body carry on with the day.

Soon, night comes, and his shift ends. Eren mechanically gets his things and prepares to leave the hospital. Without realizing it though, his feet take him unconsciously towards the patient waiting room. There are very few people in the area. However, Mikasa is sitting in a chair, gazing out the window.

Although he was standing from a distance, Eren can vividly see her amid the dimly lit room. The moon hits her face and highlights the curve of her nose. Black stray hairs are strewn across her cheeks. Her entire demeanor screams exhaustion as she talks in hushed tones on the phone.

Clarity begins to overtake him the more he observes her. Feeling re-enters the tips of his fingers and progressively spreads throughout his entire body. A dull ringing starts to emerge in his ears. He's increasingly cognizant of his presence now.

And he can't help but think that things shouldn't be like this.

Isn't this what you wanted? The little voice nudges him, making him clench his fingers around the straps of his backpack.

But it was never supposed to be like this.

Upon hearing that, Eren's not sure which voice is speaking to him.

In that instant, Mikasa hangs up and gets up from the seat. They make eye contact from across the floor. However, as if she were in a mindless trance, she begins to grab her bag and stride past him with no indication that she's seen him.

Unconsciously, Eren puts his body in front of her path. "Mikasa."

Distantly, he's aware he has no right to care for her. But he couldn't (wouldn't) leave.

She doesn't look at him, her stare fixated straight ahead on the wall behind him. Her eyes are swollen and tinged red. The resident feels something tear when he sees how dull her eyes are. A few, small red spots lie on her cheeks. His throat closes a bit, but he manages to ask, "How are you getting back?"

"I drove." Eren inwardly cringes at how monotonic she sounds. She tries to take a step forward, but he stops her by blocking her path again.

"You're not in any condition to drive," he says quietly. Mikasa doesn't give any sign of hearing him and attempts to move around him.

A flash of impatience flows through him, provoking him to abruptly grab her elbow. She immediately freezes and tenses, almost jerking away from him. Eren loosens his grip but doesn't release her. In a low voice, he simply says, "Please."

His voice is more imploring than he'd have expected.

For a moment, nothing happens. Finally, Mikasa lifts her eyes to meet his. Inwardly, Eren feels himself lament over the empty void in them. Gradually, something changes in her expression. Despite the amount of years he's known her, Eren truly can't tell what she's thinking right now. It's unsettling, compelling him to consider dropping his hand and leaving.

But there's another stronger part that refuses to back down. It feels like the young boy popped up again, exposing his stubborn-to-a-fault side.

After what feels like forever, she faintly sighs and gives a nod.

The car ride is silent, with only the GPS chiming in from time to time. He notes that she lives on the opposite side of the city from him. She leans her head against the window during the drive, observing the streets and people passing by in the night. The entire time, his fingers are tight on the steering wheel.

Upon arriving at the building, he stops her car in the parking spot. As she steps out of the vehicle, her hands are folded in front of her, clutching her bag. With a rigid posture, Mikasa moves sluggishly and stiltedly. Her steps are sluggish. It looks like she could collapse at any moment. Her usual gracefulness is nowhere to be seen.

Inadvertently, Eren remembers the first time he saw the young girl on that cold winter day.

The memory prompts him to trail after her. Mikasa doesn't seem to acknowledge him following her into the building and elevator. Putting her weight on the railing, her eyes are fixed on the floor. As the seconds pass, there's a pressure that gets stuffier and stuffier. Resisting the urge to shuffle his feet, he stays on the opposite side of her. Arms crossed and fingers pressing into his biceps, Eren observes her vacant appearance and is at a loss for what to do.

Even as the doors ding and open, it does nothing to mitigate the swirling friction in the atmosphere. Nonetheless, he continues following her with creeping dread looming over him. When she arrives at her door, he pauses in his tracks.

Suddenly, the full reminder of their current relationship slams into him, almost knocking him sideways.

Part of him has the longing to flee again. Suppressed anguish begins welling up again. As the seconds pass, the pain grows harsher and harsher. Nevertheless, this part of Eren discovers his legs are unable to leave. A crack starts fissuring in his chest. His eyes are stuck on her figure as she enters through the doors. But it hangs ajar, giving him a view of her taking off her shoes and dropping her bag to the floor unceremoniously.

Twisting his body away, he scrunches up his eyes and takes a deep breath.

You don't have the right.

But the young boy screams to not leave her alone: not when he saw her become an empty shell of herself today. Not when she needed someone.

So, Eren tentatively strides into the apartment, swallowing unevenly and making the decision to leave once he's certain she's in the right state of mind. Adjusting his eyes to the dimness of the room, he watches Mikasa stand by the side tables in the living room. Her delicate fingers pick up a photo and traces the frame. From this distance, he can only make out the outline of two women — most likely, her and Kiyomi.

Mikasa puts it down in a steadier manner than he expected. Sighing, she leans forward on the table and hanging her head. Eren discerns a subtle vibration rumbling through her body. He hears her intake a few breaths shakily. She stays like in that position for some time before sluggishly straightening out and preparing to walk away.

But then something else catches her eye, causing her to stop abruptly. He becomes aware there's another picture hidden in the far corner of the table. He catches the tremble of her hands as she picks it up and stares at it.

For a moment, nothing out of the ordinary occurs. Soon though, her shoulders begin shaking even more compared to before. Tiny whimpers fall out of her throat. With a clang, the frame drops to the ground. Mikasa curls over the table, slamming her hands on it with a thud.

Swiftly, Eren moves across the floor in a few steps. However, he's stunned when Mikasa avoids his grasp and refuses to turn to him. Hurt stabs him in rapid successions, leaving his hands hanging in the air awkwardly. Throat closing sorely, he glances away to give her some space. When his gaze falls to the carpet, he sees the picture she was looking at.

He doesn't know why she still has that photo. Or why it's out in her living room. Regardless of the reason, ice freezes his veins.

It's from the time they saw the sunrise at the Cape. Mikasa is in the center of the visual, with Armin sneaking in the back corner with a wide smile. The orange-red haze of the photo made her seem so ethereal. She has a tender smile on her face, one hand caressing the red scarf. Her other hand is tucking her hair behind her ears. Her dark-grey eyes are sparking with laughter and happiness.

"Wow Eren, who knew you were such a good photographer?" Armin joked as they looked over the photos of the trip.

Said teenager fought a blush and just said nonchalantly, "Mikasa's definitely more photogenic than you, at least."

Armin good-naturedly began saying something in mock outrage. He didn't miss the way Mikasa's cheeks flushed a light pink. When she made it her profile picture, a giddy feeling spread pleasantly through him, and he had to force himself to not smile like a complete idiot for the rest of the day.

She looked so content and peaceful. The photo takes him back to the simpler days. It brings forth a nostalgia so excruciating that his breath hitches. It reminds him of all the promises he saw when he was younger, inciting a fresh wave of agony to poke and prod at him.

It reminds him of something extremely buried and hidden, giving him the desire to just fall on his knees and weep.

His tongue becomes stuck to his mouth. It's uncomfortable to speak, but he's able to muster up croakily, "Mikasa…"

"Why did you leave?" she asks, her voice hiccupping from silently crying.

Eren's heart stops. She's leaning over the table, her back still facing him. Friction emits from her spine. Her shoulders continue to shake violently. The air feels flammable and combustible.

A flood of memories begins to destroy him. He sees bright spring days and gentle smiles filled with warmth makes his vision go misty. He sees the rise of the sun, casting an endless glow of possibilities. Echoes of tinkling laughter amid the soft rustle of the willow tree branches ring in his hears, making his chest constrict painfully.

Suddenly, an image of that young shy girl with the violet in her hair comes to mind. And then, he's a young boy again, kneeling in front of her and wrapping that red scarf around her. He jolts backwards in shock.

In that moment, something ugly and hideous bites at him. It makes him wish the ground could swallow him up. It makes him want to curl up into a ball. It makes him wonder if any of it was worth it.

"Tell me."

Her voice is barely above a whisper, but the words are loud and clear in his ears. Finally, Mikasa rotates to face him. In that instant, all Eren wants to do is die from her beseeching expression.

It kills him because she doesn't look angry. Rather, she looks like a child. Her dark-grey eyes are shining with tears, water visibly staining her red, blotchy cheeks. Her eyebrows are innocently furrowed together, making her seem like that curious young girl who wanted to be by his side. It's as though she genuinely wants to know why he decided to go to medical school far away from her.

Why he had to leave her to be free.

Eren doesn't know what to say. "Mikasa…"

It appears her name is the only thing he can say right now.

"Please. Tell me." Her eyes take on more desperation. Her voice gets a little harder and louder.

You already know. Please don't make me say it.

Eren steps towards her cautiously but she moves backwards, grabbing the table until her knuckles are white and asks, "Was it because I wasn't enough for you to stay?"

The crack in his rib cage grows worse and bigger. His insides brutally spiral and churn. Swallowing tightly, he shakes his head.

But the young man finds out quickly that it was the wrong reaction. The childlike innocence in her appearance is now lost. A shadow falls over her face. Distress is written plainly on her expression. Her eyes glaze over, becoming more detached and frantic as the seconds tick by. One hand lets go of the table edge and forms a fist near her throat again.

Alarm overwhelms him as Mikasa's breaths get louder and shorter. "Mikasa, slow your breathing."

She doesn't seem to hear him, stumbling backwards. Due to her strong hold, the table slides a bit on the floor with her. Her dark-grey eyes seem transparent as they continue locking onto his own green ones. Panic begins to overtake him as he realizes that her sobs are becoming more and more ragged. Her throat is noticeably trying to consume air, but it sounds like she's choking.

"Mikasa, I need you to breathe," Eren says, attempting to keep his voice as calm as possible. He resists the fierce impulse to step forward, in fear it'd make things worse.

"Was it… because…" The words sound rough and stuttered. He tries taking one step closer, but she staggers back from him.

"I didn't… say—" a half-gasp, a half-cough comes out from her mouth "—the right thing that day?"

Eren feels like he's been burnt alive.

The rise and fall of her chest become more visible as she struggles to speak. The color from her face disappears. Her body is beginning to shudder again. Her posture is hunched over, blocking the air from flowing into her lungs properly.

His instincts take over — he just wants Mikasa to be okay. "Mikasa, please focus on what I'm saying." Eren's voice has lost some of its prior composure and has taken on a hint of begging.

"Why did you leave?" This is the closest he's ever heard her come to shouting at him. Noises beginning to sound like severe wails fall from her throat. They're like daggers stabbing and piercing his entire body. In that instant, she waivers on her feet. Her knees appear as though they would cave at any second if she wasn't clutching the table.

He doesn't think about his next move. Eren immediately strides the distance to reach for her upper arms. Mikasa's biceps are hard and constricting beneath his touch. Instantly, she tries shoving him away. But, due to the lack of oxygen, she struggles weakly against him. Hysterical cries start ripping from her throat. They cut bitterly at him, but he attempts to make eye contact with her. She twists her head to avoid his gaze. With tears spilling down her face, Mikasa begins hitting his broad chest.

Eren barely feels her fists because nothing could injure him more than blow of her words.

Strengthening his hold slightly, he gets her to stay somewhat still. Craning his head, he finally catches a glimpse of her face. Her eyes are wide and distant. Anguish and confusion are written plainly on her appearance.

She doesn't look like the person he once knew.

Fear overtakes him. But even so, he tries to keep his voice as calm as possible as he says, "Mikasa. Breathe."

Continuing to feebly beat at his chest, she shakes her head, gasping and coughing at the same time. Mikasa's body becomes even more wobbly as the seconds pass. He lets the two of them fall to the floor slowly, where she doesn't fight back as much.

Moving his hands from her arms to her face, Eren gets her to make eye contact with him. When he sees something register in her eyes, he says in a steady tone, "Breathe with me."

Then, he takes a large gulp of air. After a moment, she intakes a short, coarse breath.

Eren doesn't hide his sigh of relief. "Ok, breathe out."

An exhale mixed with a cough falls from her mouth. "Breathe in."

Heart-wrenching sobs still come out from her throat. Nonetheless, when she sucks in air this time, it's a longer intake. "Good. Now, breathe out."

A little cry escapes Mikasa as her cheeks puff hastily out.

They repeat the process until her eyes gain more clarity as she comes back to reality. As the moments pass, her gaze becomes more and more transfixed on the floor. Her body is still vibrating with aftershocks, so he begins to stroke her cheekbones. Arms hanging limply by her side, Mikasa's demeanor is completely dejected and lifeless. It makes his throat close, but he continues his motions, trying to give her an anchor to rely on.

They sit in silence for a while. However, it's broken torturously when Mikasa whispers, "I'm sorry."

Eren pauses. Moisture forms in the corner of his vision. His stomach lurches, making him feel like he could throw up.

She has nothing to be sorry for.

You should be sorry.

"I'm sorry," she whispers again. Tears begin trickling down her face again. He can't bear it, so he brings her into his body where she continues weakly crying. Eren rubs small circles onto her back, hoping that it will placate her. Turning his cheek to press it against the side of her head, the young man screws his eyes shut. In this position, he's able to catch her familiar sweet scent.

And in that moment, he allows the ugly, hidden emotions to rise above the surface. When they do, they make his head seem like it will combust at any moment. A fire razes and destroys his insides, crippling and paralyzing him. He feels like he's suffocating and drowning under a raging sea.

No.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry that I ended up hurting you more than I ever thought I would.

Vaguely, he's aware droplets are falling out of his own eyes as well. He stays on the floor with her well into the night. His arms tighten around her. Unconsciously, he starts rocking her back and forth. In that moment, it doesn't feel like he's himself. It feels like he's someone else. It feels so easy to forget about the day and what occurred in the past. Eren doesn't think about anything, instead focusing on how she's here.

In his arms.

Soon, her body stops shuddering and goes slack against him. Her breathing becomes slower, and no more cries come out of her lips. Eren peers down at her and realizes that she fell asleep, probably due to emotional and mental exhaustion.

Carefully — as to not disturb her — he picks her up. She continues sleeping, making no noise indicating her rest is being disrupted. Navigating the small apartment, the dark-haired man carries her to her bedroom. He peels back the covers and lays her down gingerly. After tucking her in, Eren stands up and finally registers how fatigued he is. Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, he closes his eyes. After a moment, he opens them wearily and proceeds to leave when a tiny whimper causes him to stop in his tracks.

An image comes to mind of a grieving young girl sleeping on his living room carpet by the fireside during a snowy day.

Hesitantly peering back, Eren sees Mikasa sleep on her side, almost curling into her body. Her hands rest beside her head. There's a scrunch between her brows as though she were having a nightmare.

Just like when they were younger.

Another piece of his heart fractures. Therefore, Eren forgets and doesn't think.

The young man tentatively climbs on top of the covers and lies down facing her. Carefully, he places one of his own hands into her open palm that peeks out from underneath the quilt. As expected, the wrinkle between her brows lessens slightly and the lines on her face smooth out.

His vision becomes blurry again as he stares at this special person who was once — and still is — so dear to him.

I'm sorry.

---

The first time Eren left Mikasa was when he was 22, heading off to a medical school far away from her.

From that day in the park, he gradually opened himself up again. As he did so, he found there were people by his side throughout his mother's treatment. They gave him support and love — even on his worst days.

Moments were scattered throughout the next year that made him feel content to be with the people around him. With them, Eren was able to get back on his feet and take steps again. He could bring himself out of bed and face the day, knowing that each day could bring changes. He learned how to be whole. He learned to be complete again. The world thawed and felt warm again.

Being with them made him forget — and it was comforting to forget.

And then there was Mikasa.

There was a time when he thought he needed to be a hero. Then, there was a time when he ultimately knew what he felt for the girl went deeper than that. At one point, Eren berated himself for not taking the initiative to say something. But when he thought about his mother, he didn't know if it'd be worth it. So, he repressed those feelings and pressed onwards towards his purpose.

After that day under the willow tree, however, he grasped how much he wanted to be with her again. She was his light in this dark world. Mikasa was a reel pulling him to shore from a terrible storm. He didn't want to shut himself away.

Yet, there was still some reservation in his mind — a nagging feeling that made him uncertain if he wanted to advance their relationship lingered. Truthfully, he wasn't sure what it was.

On one hand, Eren thought Mikasa felt the same way. Yet, on the other, the young man hesitated because there was a fear. It could've been because no matter what, Eren wanted to focus on helping his mother in any way he could. It could also have been due to the unspoken nature of their special relationship.

Regardless, he kept his feelings secret.

But when Eren opened himself up again, it was surprising how easy and natural it was to fall into the same, yet different, routine with her. While things had changed around them, something about their relationship didn't — a fact that unexpectedly relieved Eren.

Over time, he knew with a stronger feeling each day that he wanted to be with her. Eren wanted to care for her and protect her. He wanted her to smile like how she did that day for the rest of her life. He wanted more days underneath the bright sunny sky with her by his side. He wanted to freeze time and stay in her arms, like how she held him that day as he let out his tears and frustrations.

So, he decided to act on those feelings again. He'd tell her because she was the one who gave him strength and promises. Mikasa was with him through his best and worst moments, never judging him but giving him a nudge to get back on his feet. Even if he saved her when he was younger, Mikasa saved him when he was about to fall apart. He saw something permanent with her — until the end of time.

With her, Eren finally received hope that wiped away his worries.

But the day came when he realized that those dreams were only a child's fantasy.

Just when spring was about to arrive, his mother suddenly passed away after an almost-four-year fight. In the aftermath, there were people who came up to him to offer their condolences and support. On the outside, he accepted their sympathies blankly and monotonically. Outwardly, he was unreachable and cold again.

Inside, however, there was a young boy who craved touch — a young boy who wanted to cry and throw a tantrum over the unfairness of the world. Because although the chances decreased, nothing stopped him from having the hope that everything would turn out the way he longed for.

This same part wanted to burn everything to the ground when his mother left him. It longed for release, screaming for solace, hope and courage. It tore at him because despite everything that he gained from his friends, nothing changed. Eren still wasn't able to do anything for his mother. He couldn't save her. The young boy lamented that he never had the means to protect her.

And then there was a part of him who hardened. The voice told him to move forward — to pick himself back up and start anew. From those thoughts emerged a craving to free himself from everything that bound him to this life. As the weeks went by, the ambition grew more and more intense. He wanted to leave. He wanted a change from everything in his past. If he couldn't change what happened prior, then he could change how others would be impacted in the future.

There was a period when he genuinely believed that hope would make things better. But in the end, words, feelings and dreams didn't do anything. The hope he received from his loved ones didn't do anything.

Eren needed to do something about it. Eren needed to fight for people's lives.

His moods became more erratic. There would be days when he would be a husk of himself and there would be days when he'd snap and rage at anyone who tried to talk to him. Even if it was Armin or Mikasa, he sometimes couldn't control himself. There would be an instant feeling of guilt which overcame him when he'd see their crestfallen expressions, but he'd suppress the feeling and move away.

When the day came to make a final decision on where to go for medical school, Eren sat underneath the tree in that park, staring off into the distance. Although all the snow had melted, invisible frost covered him from head to toe. The sun was setting, giving off a lovely glow in the horizon, but everything seemed dim in his vision.

One voice told him to leave. There was nothing for him here. Everything in this place was the past. If he stayed, then he'd remain constrained. He needed to look towards the future. If he couldn't see anything and walk out of the tunnel, then he'd do everything possible to break the walls of the confinement himself until he could see the sun again.

Yet, another voice inside of him told him to stay — especially with Mikasa. This voice told him although there would be uncertainties in the future, she would be a constant in his life. She was still a haven in the middle of this cruel world. She was special and someone he shouldn't let go of.

He was at a crossroad. Sorrow filled him whenever he thought about staying. Yet, another kind of agony flowed through Eren when he thought about leaving Mikasa.

But he knew that no matter what, too many things had changed.

While the young man mused over his thoughts, he saw a group of small children run across the green grass, laughing with absolutely no care in the world. In that instant, he envied them so much because they could dream. They could put their mind to anything and not be shackled down by what life threw at them. They could have hope for something and not have it shatter in front of them.

Bitterly, Eren noted that he already changed too much.

"I thought I'd find you here."

He didn't need to face the person to know Mikasa was there by his side. Still, he didn't look at her, even when she sat down. Eren caught her subtle aroma and involuntarily blushed a bit. He concentrated on avoiding her gaze. He knew her eyes would be filled with concern for him, and he didn't want to it.

A hush fell over them for a bit. The only sounds came from the rustle of wind against grass and the echoing giggles of the children in the open field.

"You've had a lot on your mind lately," she said somberly. Eren peeked at her from the corner of his eye. Her black pixie length hair framed her face, contrasting her pale skin. Perfectly sculpted and beautiful features tugged at his heart. Before, the pull used to be affectionate. Now, however, it bordered discomfort, causing him to glance away quickly.

Eren didn't respond, only giving a grunt in acknowledgement.

Mikasa grabbed his hands that were placed in his lap. Hazily, he noted that some of the invisible frost fell off his hands. Eren had no choice but to look at her as she said beseechingly, "Please… I want to share your burden with you."

Her dark-grey orbs were wide and earnest. Mikasa was not one to show her emotions often, but they were written on her face as clear as day. As he looked into her eyes, their surroundings faded away. The previous tempest that filled his mind dulled and all he could think about was her presence. The more time went on, the more it seemed to further radiate and glow. He could see himself moving forward with her. He could see a life with her. He could see his world filled with sun and warmth for the rest of his days.

In a way, Eren always knew her feelings.

But then his eyes caught sight of that red scarf. A tiny doubt entered a crevasse in his mind; he couldn't help but wonder… why did she feel that way?

"Mikasa… why have you been with me for this long?"

Her eyes widened in surprise. The hold on his hands slackened a bit. Her lips parted. Vaguely, he registered that this is one of the few times he's caught her off guard like this.

Nevertheless, the young man needed to know. He fully angled his body to her.

"Is it because I helped you when we were younger? Or is there another reason?"

A little red tinge overcame her cheeks, provoking some excitement to spring up within him. Unconsciously, his previous blank expression became more intense, eyes beginning to glow as they continued drinking in the young woman in front of him.

Please say it. Please give me a reason to stay. Please make me feel safe.

"Mikasa… What am I to you?"

Eyes bulging and mouth forming an "O" shape, she let go of his hands. He wasn't even aware as he continued staring at her. Her lingering touch was still pleasant and soothing. A sharp gasp came from her lips. The blush spread even more on her lovely face. Tension grew unknowingly in the atmosphere around them.

Please.

He never saw how much he needed it until now. He needed some sort of hard-set certainty. A longing for any kind of hope that could come into his life. A promise that would make everything better.

A yearning to be saved again.

"You're…"

Unknowingly, he leaned forward to her in anticipation. The air began to crackle with electricity. A smoldering heat started to melt the ice around him, bringing back feeling and touch. The darkness around him began to fade into a bright blue sky with an orange sun.

He could see the future clearly. They could live secluded in a cabin in the woods. The area would be full of tall green trees. The sky would be blue and clear. A lake would be a few miles from them. The place would be small, but cozy and theirs. They would just be ordinary people living their lives simply, away from everything. They could do whatever they wanted and live however they desired, free of pain and expectations. They could create their own world filled with peace, hope and warmth.

They could be happy and whole.

Eren raptly studied Mikasa, his green eyes searching her dark-grey ones eagerly and hungrily. Her forehead crinkled delicately as she struggled to say the words. This vision was just in reach. He could see it come alive.

She just needed to say it. Please.

But then something changed. It looked like her brain was beginning to shut off. A stiffness overtook her body. Many emotions ran through her expression. All of them were fleeting, yet Eren could make out two poignant ones: fear and uncertainty.

His heart stopped. What happened next was in slow motion. He knew what would happen before it did. Dread rising in him, he watched her quivering lips form the words: "Like family."

Something in him plummeted. Everything crashed. The vision disappeared. The energy in the air dropped. Whatever warmth he gained from the past few moments died instantly. Whatever light he saw receded, leaving him blind and senseless.

Eren's world became bitter, bleak, and lonely again.

Why? Couldn't she see that he felt the same way? What was she afraid of?

Part of him wanted to just cry. It wanted to drive his fists into the ground, screaming and sobbing. It wanted to torch through the cold in rage. It wanted to burst through with everything. It wanted to ask her why she couldn't say it. Why she couldn't save him from the depths of his minds this time. Why she refused to give him the strength and hope that he knew she needed to go on. When he saw her red face, part of him longed to just say those words himself and let her know.

And then he was paralyzed because he didn't know if Mikasa ever understood him.

Maybe she never did after all, something said cynically.

In that moment, he saw the young girl that he first met on that chilly, winter day. Yet, when the image of the violet clip in her hair came to his mind, Eren became aware that the bed of violets near the tree hadn't bloomed.

That's when the full realization hit him: he was a fool to think that everything could return to simpler times.

He could never go back.

There couldn't be those carefree and sunny days. His days couldn't be filled with childish promises and hopes again. Those visions and dreams he had in that cabin were only a fantasy. All those memories, laughter, smiles and joyful moments from his youth wouldn't provide for anything in his life.

Violets, red scarves, orange sunrises and tender smiles didn't save his mother. And it ultimately didn't end up saving him.

In that moment, Eren knew that nothing would matter unless he started afresh. Unless he moved forward. Unless he fought for meaning. Unless he decided how to live his own life, free of everything that bound him in chains.

Once, he thought that loving her was natural and simple. But the path to a future with that love — like a meteor shooting through the night sky, a burst of light amid the twinkling stars — was also quick and fleeting.

If it was normal for things to wane, then it was normal for things to be reborn as well.

So, the young man picked himself up wordlessly, leaving Mikasa on the ground. He didn't detect how her face immediately fell and looked like it would begin crying at any second.

As he walked away, Eren made the goal to shed the young boy he once was and become a new person. He made a new path that night, committing to medical school away from his best friends. He discarded his past and memories. He removed any naïve notions of life.

It stung initially. When it came time to tell his childhood friends the inevitable news after ignoring them for so long, Eren painfully ignored the indiscernible expression from Armin. He repressed the agony that came when Mikasa's eyes were filled with confusion and sadness. He didn't stay long enough to hear their thoughts, disregarding anything that they wanted to say.

When the day came to leave, he wordlessly left without notice. He fell out of contact with them, ignoring their calls and messages. At the same time, Eren suppressed the longing to run back into their arms and cry like the child he once was.

However, Eren also knew that unless he was free of these constraints that bound him, he would never fulfill that meaning he sought. No matter what, he would break out of that tunnel himself. No matter what, he'd find his way back to shore amid the hurricane in his world, by whatever means necessary.

And he did. This harsh, agonizing moment in his life began to shape who he was, giving him the motivation to find and provide meaning to others. Slowly, Eren learned to move forward in this profession because of that grief, seeking to help others and make an impact on their lives.

The tunnel walls eventually crumbled. He could see the sun as he studied more in school. He could feel warmth as he interacted with his patients. The horizon began to brighten up from the storm when he saw patients leave for the better. He found meaning in his world again as he grew in his path, making sure that nothing would pull him down as he learned to walk again.

For a time, he was content.

Before, Eren thought that Mikasa would be that constant in his life amid change. Now, he realized that the freedom to choose which road to take was how he could navigate this beautiful and cruel world.

And then he started to question if he ever truly obtained his freedom when Mikasa re-entered his world.

---

Eren wakes up to the sun trickling in through the blinds. Groaning, he rolls to the other side, rubbing his eyes tiredly. When he looks up at the ceiling, he's at first caught off guard by the cream color as opposed to the usual pale blue.

Then, he remembers the events from last night and immediately rotates his head to the left and sees Mikasa.

She's still sleeping in the same position: on her side with her palms peeking out from underneath the blankets. Her features are soft, and her bangs fall in front of her eyes. Gazing at her, Eren can't help but think how young and peaceful she looks. Like she didn't go through a life-altering ordeal that shattered her world yesterday.

That last thought causes his chest to clench and twist. As quietly as he can, Eren gets off the bed without trying to disturb the young woman. Padding out of the room, he peeks at his watch. He needs to be back at the hospital in less than an hour. Looking at the place in daylight, he finally takes note of how simplistic the apartment is.

It suits her.

Turning to the right, he sees the kitchen. In that moment, something overtakes his being. Wanting to check, Eren opens the fridge and breathes a sigh of relief when it shows a healthy mix of items. However, he knows that she won't have the appetite to eat after what happened last night. So, instinctively, the young man begins making a small breakfast for her.

When Eren's laying the food out on the plate, a sudden feeling pokes him. Pausing, he stops to consider it. The more he focuses on it in the tranquility of the apartment, the more it becomes something familiar. It grows stronger, until he has no choice but to come back into his body.

Do you have the right?

The more Eren is aware of his current self, the uglier the feeling becomes. It becomes more and more grotesque, causing him to put — or almost drop — the plate down in a not-so-gentle manner onto the countertop. In that moment, he can't help but let out an exasperated breath. He leans forward, propping his elbows up and hanging his head in his hands.

Cynically, he knows he doesn't have the right. Eren also understands that he made his decision and never looked back on it with regrets. So, why is all this coming back now?

Because you never changed.

He slams a fist down on the surface with a resounding thud. Damn. He wasn't that boy anymore. He couldn't be anymore. Otherwise, what was everything for?

"Eren."

Said man spins around and finds Mikasa standing by the doorway in her rumpled clothes from last night. Her hair is out of her ponytail, allowing her black locks to just fall around her shoulders. Her dark-grey eyes are clearly swollen with bags underneath. Haggardness and fatigue are conveyed clearly in her demeanor.

Unsure of what to do, Eren tilts his head down in acknowledgment. They simply gape at one another for what seems like forever. Feeling the tips of his ears redden, he averts his eyes and mumbles, "I made you some food."

In that moment, he feels the familiar presence of that high school boy.

Mikasa doesn't say anything, opting to remain observing him. Her appearance becomes more drained as she says mutedly, "Thank you."

She shouldn't be thanking me.

Ignoring the pang, Eren quietly continues. "I'm supposed to be back at the hospital soon. But you should eat something." Although she tilts her head down in agreement, he knows that it won't be her priority right now.

"I know you don't want to while you're grieving—" His voice becomes somewhat firmer "—but you need to stay healthy."

Mikasa's eyes widen the slightest bit. One hand flies to her throat, and she looks down to the floor. Her other arm wraps itself around her abdomen gingerly. She's silent for a minute. Finally, she lowly responds, "Ok."

Eren sighs inaudibly and goes to the entrance. As he's putting on his shoes, he glances back to the young woman in the room. Mikasa's stare is beginning to burn a hole into the ground. Her demeanor is like a turtle about to retreat into its shell. Without thinking, the dark-haired man says, "You have my contact. Please let me know if you need anything."

He steps out the apartment without waiting to see her reaction. On the way back to the hospital, he mindlessly gapes out the window of the Uber, observing the emerging lights and traffic of the city.

The entire ride, Eren wonders why it's still so easy — and natural — to care for her, even after all these years.

As the resident carries on with his day, he continues checking his phone from time to time, wondering if she'll reach out.

She never does.

---

Initially, Eren didn't plan on going to the service.

When he first got the email a week ago, there was a strong part of him that protested. Truthfully, he also agreed with the voice, thinking he'd disrupt everything if he went. Every time he remembered the invite, a vision of her hollow expression and eyes appeared in his mind. It caused his rib cage to squeeze uncomfortably with torment. When he recalled the contortion of her features as she wailed with grief and agony, it felt as though his body were blistering from the inside-out.

And when Eren thought about the raw desperation that arose in her expression when she asked him why he left all those years ago, it made him think he wasn't worthy of going.

Before, he thought he didn't have regrets, as long as he found that meaning in his world. However, as he observes Mikasa, a forgotten part of Eren pushes and shoves him.

"Why do you look like you're about to kill someone?" Hange's voice sounded to his right.

Eren gave a little chuckle to hide his internal turmoil. "Because it's nine in the morning and I've already been here for about three hours."

Hange shrugged and grinned widely, saying brightly, "Well. That's the life of a resident." They moved past him to pick up the coffee pot to pour themselves a cup.

Both stood by the counter for a minute before Hange broke it by asking, "How are you holding up? I assume you got the invite."

Eren took a larger gulp of his coffee than necessary to delay answering their question. Gripping his cup with a bit more force, he simply responded, "I'm doing ok."

"I know we haven't had the time to really talk about it, but we did our best. We can't blame ourselves," his attending physician stated kindly, rotating partially to him.

He nodded quickly. The resident knew that. Yet…

Feeling his throat constrict, he opted to drink again from his cup.

"So then will you be going to the service?"

He almost spat his coffee out. Eren spun his head to see Hange staring at him over the rim of their mug curiously. His lips pressed together tightly and put his cup down. "I'm not sure. It's not professional," he replies, not wanting to give the full — or true — reason.

Hange hummed thoughtfully, looking at the wall in front of them. "Well, yes. A doctor going to a patient's funeral is not 'objective', so to speak. But I thought since you two have known one another for a while, it'd be —"

"It'd be what?" Eren interrupted, with more bite than intended.

They send him a knowing look. "I suppose seeing you calm Mikasa down after the shock of losing her family made me think that you're not as detached as you try to be."

Hange brought their weight off the counter and waved their hand nonchalantly while heading to the door. "Or as you want to be."

Eren could only gape as they leave the kitchen. Moments later, his fists curled up and prickles of irritation, sadness and guilt ran through him. He felt the young boy throw a tantrum that got louder and louder and drowned out any other thought — especially the lingering doubt that questioned whether he even has the right to care for her like he once did.

Damn.

Which is how he found himself in his current position in the back of the room while Mikasa was at the front talking in hushed tones to those paying their respects.

As he silently observes her, he notes how similar she appears to the first time he saw her: stoic and impassive. Mikasa seems like she's a husk of herself, ready to recoil back upon the slightest prompt. Even from this distance, he can tell how dull her eyes are as she converses with those around her. It's the same look she had right before he wrapped that scarf around her.

It's the look that made the young boy have all these childish notions of wanting to protect and care for her. To be her hero. To give her hope and strength, no matter what.

Were they really childish, though? Isn't this something you've always wanted to do?

"Eren?" a familiar voice sounds distantly to his right.

Slowly pivoting, he sees the blue eyes and blonde hair of Armin. His childhood friend has changed: he's a bit taller and more filled out. His gait is straighter and more confident. With a perplexed and bewildered expression, he asks, "What are you doing here?"

Eren averts his green eyes and clears his throat. "I was on the medical team helping Kiyomi."

Armin's eyes widen even more, before he also sheepishly looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, I heard. I just…"

He doesn't need to finish his sentence. Eren unconsciously scowls but doesn't have it in him to be irritated.

Nevertheless, Armin recovers swiftly and gives a small smile before saying, "But I'm glad you're here."

Rotating his head to the young woman at the front, Armin continues in a lower tone, "I'm sure she is also."

Following his former friend's gaze, Eren doesn't say anything. He merely tucks his hands into the pockets of his trousers and shuffles his weight. The atmosphere is getting increasingly awkward, giving him the desire to leave immediately.

"Walk with me?" Armin asks, stepping closer to him and making a head motion to the door.

Breaking out of his thoughts, Eren twists his head to find the blonde-haired man's face is genuine. When they make eye contact, he's surprised to discover how comfortable the shade of blue makes him. The quiet chatter around them tunes out.

Nostalgia fills him. For a moment, they're just the two boys who would play with one another every afternoon and would spend every moment of their time together.

"Sure," he replies. He doesn't miss the way Armin's lips tilt up, making something drop in his stomach.

They head out the doors and take a right to go out the back. After they step the building, he's hit by the mild and relaxing temperature. Armin treads down the little stairs and follows a stone path leading to a set of tall white picket fences, encompassing what Eren assumes is a garden. He trails after, an inadvertent awe suddenly spreading in him after striding through the gates.

All kinds of flowers and plants bloom among them, their fragrances intermingling and permeating his senses. The garden is larger than how it initially appeared. The stone path continues to weave itself throughout the place, leading to a gazebo on the opposite end. It's a beautiful sight for a winter day, making him unconsciously smile a bit.

In the corner of his eye, he catches a purple flower. When he takes a closer look at it, he sees that there is a group of violets by his feet.

An image of the first time he saw Mikasa pops up, influencing his heart to beat erratically.

"So, how have you been all these years?" Armin interrupts his musings.

Jolting back to reality, Eren turns to the young man by his side and observes him momentarily. Armin's expression remains sincere. After a moment, he responds, "Good, you?"

"Good as well. I'm now working in Boston." Armin's genuine smile never leaves his face.

Eren tilts his head down. The wind rustles the flowers around them. "When did you arrive in San Francisco?"

"Two days after Kiyomi passed away," Armin replies, discreetly watching the other man's reaction.

As expected, the dark-haired man's reaction is mixed. He's glad she wasn't alone during those two weeks.

But—

He aggressively suppresses that thought. Unknowingly, a gloom falls over his features.

A lull follows their stilted exchange. A tinkling bell sound occurs somewhere in the corner of the enclosed space. The sweetness of the air is soothing, causing him to take a heavy breath.

"She's planning on coming back home," Armin says softly.

Ice shoots through Eren's veins.

"It may not be permanent. But I think she just needs some time away."

He doesn't feel like himself. He feels like that boy who lost one of the most important people in his life. The tunnel he thought he broke out of is starting to form again. He's starting to drown in a violent storm again. The world is becoming darker and colder.

This is not what he wants.

At first, he thinks it's the young boy that brings that thought up. But the more the seconds tick by, uncertainty creeps in as to who is protesting.

"Why are you telling me this?" He hopes his voice isn't actually as throaty as it sounds to his ears. Eren attempts to mask his expression and give no indication of the emotions swirling internally.

A subtle bristle runs through Armin's posture. The blonde-haired man studies at him with his (intelligent) blue eyes and replies, "Because as much as you don't like to admit it, you still care for her. I just don't get why you had to leave her the way you did all those years ago."

Little invisible pins puncture him. Eren lets out a reflexive scoff. "Of course, you don't."

No one did. And still, no one does.

Something hideous rears its head within him at Armin's words.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Armin sounds curious, but he can tell there's something hard underneath that tone.

Impatience jets through him. His temper spikes acutely, inciting him to squeeze the fists in his trousers. "I lost my mom," Eren hisses.

"And we lost Carla." Armin now fully faces him with a scrunch between his brows. His attitude has taken on an edge.

Eren's eyes flash with barely repressed fury. He momentarily inhales a deep breath before saying in an extremely clenched voice, "You know it's not the same."

"Maybe. But we still wanted to be there for you through it all. You just left and pushed us away," Armin retorts, his speech getting louder. Anger begins to trickle through his appearance. "You pushed her away: the person who would've remained by your side, no matter what you were going through."

Unconsciously, Eren takes a few steps closer to Armin, a deadly aura radiating off him. His fists are itching to come out from his pockets. His eyes narrow into slits, friction riddling from his body. As if nature could pick up on the strained argument, the wind grew a bit stronger, blowing the stray hairs from his updo by his cheeks. "I wasn't the same after what happened," he growls.

Armin scoffs, unperturbed by the dark-haired man's advancement. "No. I get you were in a lot of pain, but you were selfish," he fires back. His former childhood friend's features contort even more in anger as he stands his ground. Vaguely, Eren thinks this is the first time Armin has ever been this upset with him.

The same hideous feeling grows stronger and more powerful. They're standing very closely to one another now, and it takes all Eren has not to beat him to a pulp. Hence, he merely glowers at him. His body feels a burning heat. The sharp contours of his face are even more defined, producing a darkness over his appearance. "You don't understand."

He gives Armin one last sneer and shifts on his heel to leave.

None of them understood what it was like to have hope and strength given and then wrenched away.

"We lost you too, you know!" Armin sounds angry and grieving. Eren stops but doesn't face the other man.

He knows there was a part of him that was lost — gone, forever. It's why he had to leave.

Why couldn't anyone see that?

"We knew things changed. We knew we lost a part of you that day you got the news. But no matter the outcome, we thought you'd eventually realize that some things would never change."

Armin was wrong. Everything was bound to change at some point. That was the bitter reality of the world they lived in. Change was inevitable and there was no use moping over it. The only thing to do was continuing to walk and move forward.

Was it so hard to understand?

"We were always there. We were always the same." Armin sounds close to angrily crying. Without turning around, Eren hears the crunch of shoes come up behind him. The blonde-haired man roughly bumps shoulders as he moves to the gates. Despite the irritation and longing to punch Armin, there's also a quick flare of hurt. He glares at the back profile of the blonde-haired man and notes how rigid his stance is.

Pausing, Armin finally twists his head to face him. The dark-haired man is a little startled by the tinge of red in his blue eyes. "And no matter how much you try to deny it, you're still the same."

Armin leaves without another backwards glance. A shadow consumes him. Eren can only stand there, stewing in his anger and shock. It feels like he's surrounded by a smoldering and raging fire. As if the wind is following his mood, the gusts blow even stronger, making the windchimes ring louder and louder. He doesn't know how long he remains there for, only thinking that Armin is completely and utterly wrong about him.

I'm not the same.

Annoyance fills him, provoking him to screw his eyes shut. His spine is taut, like that of an arrow about to release. The nails dig into his clenched palms. There's a ringing in his ears. His anger forces heavier exhales to come out his nose. Taking a deep breath, Eren thinks the subtle sweet air will somewhat ameliorate him.

But with the scent that rushes through his nose, Eren instinctively relives every memory underneath the willow tree. He sees every moment when he ran across the park, lay there for a nap, or relaxed with his friends. He sees warm, gentle smiles and sparkling dark-grey eyes. He hears rustles of wind against nature, tinkling sounds of laughter and the delicate flapping of fabric.

However, the young man also recalls the excruciating despair mixed with the crushed hope.

It was all a child's fantasy.

All these images Eren sees are of that young naïve boy in a world of life and death.

Impulsively, he immediately violently kicks at some poor plant. It doesn't alleviate the fury, so he continues doing it, trying to get his rage out in some way.

"Eren?"

Immediately freezing, he spirals around to see Mikasa standing by the gate in a black kimono.

His heart pounds excruciatingly against his rib cage. Clearing his throat and averting his eyes, he says lowly, "I'm sorry, I was a little riled up."

Looking down at her folded hands and twiddling her fingers, Mikasa asks, "Did Armin say something?"

Eren snorts. "As he always used to."

He was usually right, a little voice says in his mind. Biting the inside of his mouth, Eren tries to stave off the increasingly upsetting sentiment creeping through him. He begrudgingly shrugs off the dirt on his dress shoes.

Unable to help himself, Eren asks hoarsely, "What will you do about work?"

If she's startled that he knows about her plans, she doesn't show it. Maintaining her demeanor, Mikasa responds, "Most of my work is remote, but there's an office in Boston if I need to go in."

Sneaking a look at her from the corner of his vision, the young man sees that her cheeks look very pale — a stark contrast to the dark circles underneath her eyes. Due to the loose clothes on her frame and her gaunt face, Eren discerns that she probably hasn't been sleeping or eating well.

And she never reached out.

Instant worry washes over him. "Have you been eating all right?" he hesitantly asks, hints of concern leaking through his voice.

A little emotionless noise falls out of her mouth. "As well as I can," Mikasa responds in an even tone. She still doesn't meet his gaze.

Eren nods cautiously, not quite believing her. "You don't look like you've been sleeping."

She doesn't respond, opting to clasp her fingers together. One of her hands strokes the back of the other absentmindedly. Finally, she peers up, and needles prick him uncomfortably when Eren sees the impassive smile on her face. "I feel like I just want to be awake, even in the middle of the night."

There is a person who understands what it's like to have hope and strength given and then wrenched away.

That same vile sentiment from that night almost two weeks ago starts gushing up, threatening to knock him over. Eren's knees instantly feel like caving. All he can think about is her sorrow and despondency and it takes him all he has to remember to breathe.

It's then that Mikasa says faintly, "I'm sorry for the way I acted that night… I wasn't in my right mind."

Eren jerks his head up and immediately shakes it from side to side.

"Was it because I didn't say the right thing that day?"

"No. It wasn't your fault."

She nods in a mechanical fashion before she looks down at her hands. Desperation begins to surge in him because it was never her.

Whose fault was it?

A chill runs up his spine. He wants to open his mouth to say more, but Mikasa beats it to him by saying, "I didn't fully understand when you left."

Time stops. The previously mild temperature drops to below freezing. A despairing cloud looms over him. His throat closes, making it difficult to breathe. Her words unexpectedly stab him more than they should. To repel the misery, he focuses on a stray pebble by his feet.

A dry chuckle escapes her. "But after everything these past few weeks, I feel like I get it now."

Eren's stare lifts in surprise and meets that of her dark-grey one. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears and a bittersweet smile traces her lips. "It feels everything will eat you up."

Mikasa steps closer to him, enough for him to see her full lashes brush against the dark circles under her eyes. Sincerity is conveyed across her face. The bittersweet smile morphs into something rawer as she says quietly, "I hope you found whatever peace you needed from all those years ago."

Moisture vaguely forms in the corner of his vision. Thoughts begin bubbling up within him, but he doesn't know where to start. He wants to say something but can't find the ability — or courage — to do so.

As she turns to depart, Eren has the overwhelming urge to run after her and cling to her.

He wants to give comfort, strength and hope to this person. He longs to go back to those days under warm suns, serene breezes, sweet-smelling violets, and beautiful smiles. He yearns to go back to simpler times when nothing changed, and they could live out their days joyfully.

All Eren wants to do is be her Eren.

Yet, he can only watch her move farther and farther away from him. Although his heart hammers and sinks with the growing distance, he can't bring himself to call out to her.

---

Eren's nursing a glass of whiskey the night of his mother's death. After he finished his shift at the hospital, he went back to his apartment, sat down and then proceeded to open a bottle of alcohol.

It's been a month since he heard Mikasa left. Ever since the funeral about two months ago, it feels like his world has been in a haze. All his senses seem as though they've been lost: whatever he touches or does is detached. Imaginary ice covers him from head to toe. His days go on robotically and routinely. The world feels unreal and as though he's living in a dream — or nightmare.

When little things here-and-there bring up memories of sunny days in his youth, everything burns. His past hits him at full intensity, haunting and taunting him with the simple, content times. His moods become unstable and erratic. It's all too much, until he grits his teeth, takes a deep breath and merely shoves all those thoughts and sentiments out. Then, he goes back to being unfeeling and frigid.

It's a volatile cycle that he hasn't gone through in so long.

As he takes another swig of alcohol, the liquid stings his throat. The scent clogs his nose.

Usually, he's fine. He remembers the best moments. He remembers the laughter, the smiles, the ruffling of his dark hair, the brush of fingers against his cheeks and so much more. He remembers the grief that came when he lost this shining sun in his world. And each year, he'd learn to channel that suffering to shape his motivations to continue moving forward toward a free horizon.

Regrettably, the alcohol tonight has made him too nostalgic. The good and the bad both overcome him. And this night, the agony is raw and fresh. He's coming apart, little by little from the flesh and bones. Even though he's lying against the couch, stagnant and motionless, Eren feels like daggers are stabbing him from the inside-out. Any kind of action — no matter how small or little —makes it hurt to move. Therefore, he just sits there with his eyes closed and teeth clenched.

"Do you think I can fly away to meet my parents?"

Mikasa's high, sweet, childish voice is loud and clear. Why this memory comes to mind is beyond him. Groaning, he rubs his temples from the impeding images playing out in his vision.

"Why would you want to leave when you have us here?"

Upon hearing that line, he can't help but give a dry chuckle. It was so childish. It was so easy back then to want to give hope and strength. When you don't understand the weight of the world, you don't understand the difficult reality in front of you.

Nonetheless, there's an ache within him as he relives that memory. As he remembers the way her eyes sparkled in gratitude, there's a longing to see that reaction again. As Eren relives the acceleration of his heartbeat as he gazed at her sleeping face, there's a desire to be the one that could comfort her again.

Above all, there's a desire to be with her again, no matter what.

His eyes suddenly open amid the dim lighting of the room. While his eyes lazily scan his apartment, he expects the reality to settle in.

Part of it is. He's a 29-year-old medical resident. His mother died when he was barely 22 years old. He left his friends and family on the east coast to commit to bringing a change to those that needed it. He left because he needed to be free from the past to help others. He's currently in San Francisco, on the other side of his childhood home, and this is his apartment — this is the life he has now.

And then another part is unexpected. Yes, he's a 29-year-old medical resident. Yes, his mother died when he was barely 22. Yes, he left his friends and family to attend a medical program to help others. Yes, he now lives in this apartment in this life he created for himself.

However, Eren left because he was a young boy going through a terrible stage of grief. He left because he wanted to close himself from others. He left — even though there were loved ones around him that wanted to give him courage and comfort.

"I understand you were in a lot of pain, but you were being selfish."

It's like a dam begins to crack. Something within him begins to rise to the surface. Something that he long suppressed and buried deep down. He's unsure what exactly it is, but he knows it's something hideous and unseemly. The young man inwardly revolts from the feeling yet tries to stand his ground.

The young boy, on the other hand, begins to wail. His cries get louder and louder until there's a buzzing in his ears. He lurches forward, putting his elbows on his knees and burying his head in his hands. His fingers dig into his dark hair, pulling strands out from his typical updo.

"Why would you want to leave when you have us here?"

Eren immediately stands up and throws his glass to the floor. Shards fly out and scatter across the room, some of them reflecting the night sky leaking through the window. The sudden action makes him feel a bit lightheaded, causing him to stumble a bit, falling onto the couch again. The fragments cast a glow in the room, almost afflicting his vision. A tingle begins to erupt in his skull, and Eren can sense a growing migraine.

Closing his eyes again, he leans forward and rubs his eyes wearily. He focuses on anything besides this feeling expanding inside him. He thinks about his patients. He thinks about how he'll help them all to his utter best. He resolves to work his hardest to make sure that people can have another chance with their lives. He'll save others.

Who will save you though?

Grinding his jaw, he sinks his fingers into his hair again. The action puts more pressure onto his skull, increasing the twinge in his head. An invisible ring of smoke is surrounding him, making it harder and harder to breathe.

"You're like family."

Mikasa's voice echoes in his ears. The uncertainty. The shakiness of that sentence. The blatant lie in that sentence irks him beyond words, provoking his headache to get even more worse.

She didn't save me. I saved myself. I left that cage. I broke free of that tunnel. I survived that tempest.

You ran.

Eren stills. Startled, his eyes pop open. He doesn't know where that thought came from. He doesn't understand why that came to his mind. Anger scorches within him. It feels like a nail got unexpectedly hammered into his rib cage.

Taking deep breaths, he attempts to clean his mind of everything. He needs to move forward.

How can you move forward without accepting the past?

Eren's temper breaks through. He takes the coffee table and flips it over with a growl. It lands with a harsh thud on the floor. Kicking at the sofa, the young man attempts to get his anger out in a less destructive way. Nevertheless, it doesn't work. An inferno has been unleashed — and he doesn't want to stop.

Panting heavily, he kicks at the shards of glass on the floor. There's minimal decoration in the living room, but Eren begins to overturn the other furniture by first ripping some books from a shelf. They plummet unceremoniously. A flutter of pages sounds amidst the silence of the room. Looking around the room in a haze for other ways to direct his outburst, his sight unexpectedly drops towards the ground.

One of the fallen books is flipped open. Lying in the middle of the pages is a forgotten bookmark.

"Eren!"

The 11-year-old turned to see a familiar girl running up to him and gave her a bright wave. "Mikasa, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to give you this," she said, handing over something. Looking down at it, he saw it was a simple bookmark with a violet in it. His heart began to pound faster. Involuntarily, Eren felt a blush forming on his cheeks.

"Do you like it?" she asked shyly, one hand clasped behind her back while the other held onto her scarf. She rocked back and forth a bit, not quite meeting his gaze.

Eren shrugged, trying to get rid of whatever was flip-flopping in his stomach. "It's nice."

Her face dimmed a little bit, making the young boy instantly feel guilty. Hastily, he added, "Be—because you made it, Mikasa."

When her smile brightened again, it made his embarrassment worth it.

Instantly, all the rage and fury die away. His energy saps, inciting him to stagger and collapse onto his knees. With trembling hands, Eren reaches for the object. His fingers slide over the smooth material and begin to trace the outline of the petals. Even after almost 18 years, the color is still a beautiful purple.

"I hope you found whatever peace you needed from all those years ago."

The glass in his mind fractures.

Finally, those previous ugly, suppressed feelings rise above the surface — tearing and splitting him apart.

Everything comes up all at once, becoming so cutting and unbearable that his upper body plunges forward. His forehead plops to the ground while he caresses the bookmark in his hands, grabbing it as if were his lifeline. It feels like he's been pummeled repeatedly in the gut. Eren instantly has the urge to vomit and hurl. The invisible nail in his skull digs in deeper than before, compelling him to let out a shout mixed with a wail.

He punches the floor once. Twice. Fire is consuming and torching his entire body, transforming him to ashes and dust.

Nothing can stop the cries being pulled forth from his throat or the water flowing down his cheeks as he sobs like that young boy that he once was.

The young boy that you've always been.

He can only cry harder, the sounds wracking through the empty apartment.

Eren never found the peace that he was searching for all those years ago because he left it.

How will you save yourself now?

---

There were a lot of things that didn't make sense with this decision.

Eren is standing outside her childhood home, unsure if this is even where she'll be.

Shivering in the cold, he presses the doorbell. He forgot how cold it could be back in Massachusetts, especially in March. Even though spring was coming, the chill air bites at his cheeks and nose. The snow was dwindling, but there were still remnants covering the trees and streets. It was a cloudy day, and the wind blew around him, billowing his coat. The dark-haired man shuffles his weight on his feet, trying to keep himself warm. Sticking his hands into the pocket of his coat, he scans the area.

Nothing's really changed.

Click. Spinning around, Eren finds Mikasa standing in the doorway. Surprise is written plainly on her expression, dark-grey eyes widening when she recognizes the individual at her door. Her jaw goes slack.

"Mikasa."

Her mouth closes. One hand lifts to rest against her collarbone.

Both stay in their positions wordlessly. Anxiety begins to riddle his body. His eyes are glued to hers — he doesn't think he could look away, even if he tried to. She's wearing a simple white sweater with a pink cardigan over it. Her dark hair is in a low ponytail again, bangs framing her porcelain face.

His face feels like it's catching on fire. Eren can hear the rapid thump-thump of his heartbeat. Hoarsely, he merely musters, "How are you?"

Incredulity leaks through her face. He instantly winces.

Recovering swiftly, she replies croakily, "Fine." With a somewhat scrutinizing glance, she then asks, "What are you doing here?"

Initially, Eren doesn't respond. An awkward atmosphere follows. The only sounds among them are from the faint noises of nature and cars in the distance.

Truthfully, he doesn't know where to start. After two nights ago, he got on the earliest flight he could to talk to her. On the way here, Eren thought of so many possible things to say: letting her know that he wanted to see her, letting her know that he failed, letting her know she shouldn't be in a state of despair because of him, and so many more things.

Yet now that he's staring at her, the young man doesn't know where to begin.

It feels like the calm before a storm. Pressure begins to radiate between the two of them. The air feels laced with an underlying volatile current. Feeling anxious and uncertain, Eren merely blurts out, "It was never you."

Mikasa's eyebrows scrunch in confusion. He didn't notice until now that the orange light from the doorway is casting a glow over her, giving her an ethereal presence. Taking a closer look at her, he sees that while her figure appears healthy, there are still bags underneath her eyes. His chest begins to split.

"I was selfish." Eren discerns that her eyes express bafflement. "I was stuck in my grief… I didn't know what to do then."

A little bit of a grimace appears on her face. The fingers by her collarbone begin to gingerly stroke the smooth skin of her neck. Mikasa's lips part but no words come out of them. He only hears a shaky and heavy breath.

"I just… needed to tell you that… I didn't think about you. Or anyone else."

She's clearly at a loss for how to respond. Her mouth closes and opens a few times. A delicate flush forms on her cheeks. Eren's own throat feels extremely clogged. Clearing it hurriedly, he feels uneasiness filter through the air again when she still doesn't reply in any way.

Finally, after what seems like forever, she lowers her gaze to the floor. Wrapping her arms around herself, Mikasa asks in a low voice, "Why are you telling me this now?"

Eren's heart stops functioning. He can't breathe. He doesn't know how to answer. His tongue becomes fixed to the roof of his mouth.

I want to help you again. I want you to be happy. I want you to have hope again. I want to give you strength again.

But he doesn't think he deserves to say those things again. He doesn't think he deserves to be those things to her anymore.

He doesn't deserve her.

Eren swallows unsteadily, preparing to say something.

Yet, unexpectedly, he states without a second thought, "It's selfish, but you're still an important person to me."

Mikasa's head snaps up, dark-grey eyes enlarged, stunned at his confession.

He has the intense longing to punch himself. Attempting to clarify, Eren half-stammers, "I mean—when you asked me if I left because you didn't say the right thing that day, it never should've been your burden. It was wrong of me to put that onto you."

Arms crossed against her upper body, Mikasa is still astonished. She bites down lightly on her lip. Shifting on her feet, she begins to lean on the edge of the doorway. Rapidly looking away, she resumes softly rubbing the junction of her throat.

Eren's chest feels like it was pierced through. "I just needed you to know. You deserved to know that it was never you… Nothing that happened was because of you."

Nothing changes at first. Slowly, however, her eyes lift to meet his again as if searching them to assess the sincerity of his words. His muscles unknowingly freeze in anticipation. His spine is too upright, as if he were tied to a puppet string. Tightening his fists, Eren feels the environment become more flammable — as if his next words could potentially light them both on fire.

Yet, he knew from the bottom of his being what he needed her to hear — what he wanted to say from the moment he met her again a little over a year ago.

"I'm sorry… For everything," he whispers hoarsely.

She's still rooted in place. Her brows scrunch together finely. She digs her nails further into her biceps. A sheen spreads over her dark-grey orbs, making them look mistier. Her features become more defined as a mix of emotions run across her face.

Anxiety builds up within Eren. His heart resumes working, but irregularly and erratically. The more time passes, the more the familiar instinct to flee grows. But he knows without a doubt that he doesn't want to do so anymore. Hence, he grits his teeth and stands his ground.

Finally, her expression relaxes a bit. Mikasa heaves a large breath. A hint of gratitude begins to show, and the lines around her mouth smoothen. Throatily, she responds, "Thank you."

Unconsciously, something releases inside him.

His throat feels parched as a churn of emotions begin swelling in him. Swallowing unsteadily, Eren nods and then turns on his heel to leave. His steps feel as though they glide across the snowy pavement. Until a few moments ago, he wasn't aware how heavy his prior stance was; it feels like an unknown weight has been lifted from his shoulders, easing his posture and body.

Eren keeps treading down the street in a daze, not knowing where he's going: all he knows is that his feet are taking him somewhere. The chill air continues to bite at him, and flurries of snow fall from the trees. Bundling himself into his jacket even further, he continues walking to who-knows-where.

The entire time, he expects a storm to roar in his mind. It's what he thinks should happen after dropping by like that. Eren expects the disjointed voices to swirl within him and provoke those hideous feelings to come back. He expects those emotions to make him weep and scorch everything within sight. He expects to just shrivel up into dust and die.

Rather, his mind is blank. None of those grotesque and twisted feelings come up. He doesn't feel like he wants to pummel everything to the ground. He doesn't feel any kind of anguish pull and tear at him. He doesn't feel like he wants to raze everything in this cruel world.

He just feels—

The sound of laughter tinkles to his right. Rotating his head, he sees the park he used to play in. A group of children rolling around in what's left of the snow, gleeful and merry. He goes through the gates and strides through the covered path to a familiar area. The snow crunches underneath his shoes and his footsteps leave imprints on the white, fluffy ground.

Reaching his destination, he inhales deeply. The leaves and branches still hang lowly around the trunk. Some of the ends are covered with snow and ice. As he steps underneath the tree — like he used to — he allows a large wave of buried memories to hit him, invoking him to close his eyes.

Eren is young again. He sees himself running around the park and being with his friends. He sees himself studying and taking naps underneath the tree. He smells the sweet scent of flowers, grass and spring. He hears the laughter and chatter of his friends around him. He feels happier and more content than he's been in so long. He feels a glow and comfort that he hasn't experienced for quite some time.

All the while, he sees Mikasa's lovely, gentle smile that made a flush creep up his neck. He sees the moments when her dark-grey eyes would soften around her family and friends, making him think she was the most beautiful girl in the world. He sees the way she'd tuck stray locks behind her ears, giving him the desire to do so himself. He hears her mild, chiming laughter that would cause his heartbeat to speed up. He sees how she'd sometimes shy into that red scarf, blushing whenever Eren did something to please her.

He sees violets.

Opening his green eyes, Eren looks around him again. He takes in the scenery: the cloudy sky above the snowy leaves and branches. He looks down at himself, at the clothes he's wearing. He touches his hair, styled into its regular updo.

Time has changed a lot of things — including him.

Yet, you've always been the same.

It's strange. But Eren doesn't shy away from it.

Rather, it feels like he's whole again upon that acknowledgement.

The last time he was here, he felt his heart was trying to find a desperate reason to stay. However, now the young man experiences something else.

Peace.

When he acknowledges that, there's ugly pain that fosters, threatening to overflow.

But there's also liberation. He can feel the tunnel cracking of its own volition now — not because of his own attempt to smash down its walls. He's not stranded in the storm at sea by himself anymore, desperate for some way to make it back to shore. Light trickles downward on his path and relief begins to spread from head to toe.

Hints of moisture appear in his vision, invoking him to take a deep, shaky breath. He peers up to the sky and sees a few birds flying across it.

Spring is coming. And that realization further eases something within him.

Finally stepping out from beneath the drooping branches, he starts to head out. But the young man pauses upon noticing who is in front of him.

Mikasa appears flushed and breathless. With cheeks tinged a pale pink, it seems like she ran over in a hurry from the way she's panting. Her coat isn't buttoned up. Her nose is a little red. Strands of black hair are loose around her shoulders.

But the most striking thing is the red scarf slung carelessly around her neck.

"Eren," she says breathlessly.

He wasn't aware of how much he still loves the sound of his name from her lips until now.

Recovering from his daze and tilting his head, his eyebrows furrow together in confusion and wonder as he asks thickly, "Why are you here?"

Mikasa lets out a stuttered exhale. Her eyes shine as she responds, "It was never your fault either."

His vision becomes blurry. More agony swells. Quickly shaking his head, he mutters, "No. No… I was wrong, I was—"

"Eren," Mikasa interrupts lowly.

She comes up to him. It's close enough to see how her lashes flutter against her skin. It's close enough to see how there are repressed tears in her dark-grey eyes. It's close enough that she gracefully reaches forward and takes his hands in her warm ones. It's close enough that he can see the sincerity conveyed in her expression as she responds, "You're here. I'm here."

Vaguely, he registers the wetness dripping down his face.

"And that's all that matters," she whispers. Mikasa smiles compassionately as her own cheeks become streaked with drops of water. She traces circles onto the back of his hands and the action reminds him of how he used to do that with her.

He doesn't stop himself from bringing her in for a tight hug. His body is trembling. The outside temperature is cold, but all he feels is the heat of her body pressed against his as they hold onto one another. One of his hands caresses the back of her head while the other wraps itself around her shoulder. Mikasa clutches the back of his coat as if she's never letting him go — and he doesn't ever want her to. His own grip increases in strength because he also doesn't want her to leave.

They both let out their cries into one another's shoulder. His hand begins to rub her back in a soothing and calming manner. Inhaling her sweet scent, Eren can't think of anywhere else he'd rather be. In that moment, he doesn't consider anything else in this world.

He focuses on how Mikasa is here. And he wants to stay like this forever.

The hand that's wrapped into the tresses of her black hair trail down to the back of her neck. His fingers brush against the worn, but comfortable, material of the red scarf. Rubbing his fingers through the fabric, he pulls away slightly from the hug. His other hand goes to her cheeks, caressing the skin tenderly. It feels smooth and cold, yet the tips of Eren's fingers feel like they're on fire. Drops of water still fall from her sparkling eyes, so his thumb goes to wipe them away.

Mikasa breaks out into that same lovely smile from all those years ago, showing off the dimples by her mouth. The bags underneath her eyes seem to get brighter and fade. The contours of her face are incredibly soft and youthful, traces of the tired young woman he previously saw completely gone.

She's never looked more beautiful.

While his green eyes drink her in, Eren knows that it was never about smashing down the walls of the tunnel. It was never about fighting his way back to shore.

His peace was — and always will be — with Mikasa.

Once, he thought the path to a future with her was quick and fleeting, like a meteor shower soaring through the night sky.

But no matter how short the path supposedly was, it never changed the fact that it was still natural to move towards her. It never changed the fact that it was still — and always will be — natural to love her.

Loving her is jumping into her river and swimming all the way to the end.

Eren doesn't know if this is what he deserved after so much anguish and sorrow he brought upon her. However, he knows he isn't letting this opportunity go to waste.

And he resolves to spend the rest of his life making it up to her.

Therefore, it was effortless for him to take the ends of the scarf that have come undone and wraps them around her neck until the fabric tickles her chin. A wide smile forms across his face. When the corners of his lips tug upwards, it almost hurts.

But this is the most happiness he's experienced in so long.

"I'll wrap this scarf around you as many times as you want."

More water glides down from her eyes, and she lets out a little noise: a gasp mixed with a sob.

"Now…"

Eren leans in until their noses brush. Her eyes flutter and shut close. Eyebrows furrowing together gingerly and smiling even more, Mikasa gives that little chiming laugh — he missed that sound — amid her cries.

"And forever."

When he closes the distance, he's complete; he's himself.

That's when Eren knows that anywhere he is. Anywhere he'll continue to go. Anything he's known. Anything he's forgotten.

He will stay here in her arms.

---

"Mikasa, why do you look like a zombie?" the 10-year-old says, with completely no tact.

Said girl pivots her head to him as she sits in front of the electric fireplace in the middle of his living room. Mikasa was staying over at the Jaeger's after school since Kuchel was working in the city.

He doesn't think he's said anything wrong. She has dark bags beneath her eyes. They're also somewhat swollen and red, indicating she hasn't been sleeping well. Furthermore, her face looks paler than usual, the red scarf against her neck a stark contrast to her skin.

The young boy distantly recalls her not eating her lunch earlier in the day. In fact, these past few days, she'd been acting sullener and more withdrawn than how she's normally been.

Eren's heart beats a little quicker while he observes her. The more he does so, the more a little tug starts pulling at him. Scooting closer to her, he nudges her with his shoulder and asks, "Have you been getting enough sleep?"

Mikasa tucks her knees into her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. He can't help but think of a turtle, ready to retreat into its shell at the slightest provocation. A stream of hurt flows through him. He can help her if she'd just tell him.

He pokes her. "Mikasa?"

Finally, she whispers, "Do you think I can fly away to meet my parents?"

Eren doesn't know how to discern the emotions that run through him. But he can make out clearly anger, indignation and strife. Immediately, the young boy stands up with clenched fists and asks furiously, "Why would you want to leave when you have us here?"

Mikasa's gaze immediately meets his. Her eyes are wide and full of surprise. Pink tinges her cheeks. She hastily glances down, beginning to rock back and forth on her bottom.

Unknown to him, Eren's cheeks are also turning red. If he knew then, he would've attributed it to anger.

"You have us here to make you happy! You don't need to fly away to see your parents!"

You have me to make you happy.

The 10-year-old chalks up that thought to wanting to be a hero. He'll protect her from her sadness. He'll give her strength and hope to move forward in life. He'll make her happy in her new home, so she doesn't need to fly away from them.

From him.

Mikasa's bottom lip quivers. He immediately loses his rage. Kneeling to meet her eyes, he holds her face. She's startled at the action but loses some of the sentiment when he starts rubbing small circles on her cheeks. In a gentler tone, Eren says, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout."

Hurriedly shaking her head from side to side, the young girl replies, "No, no. I wasn't thinking properly… I just really miss them."

Tears begin leaking from her eyes as she continues in a low voice, "Last night was the night they…"

She trails off, but Eren knows her meaning. It's probably why she doesn't look like she's slept well. It's probably why he's seen her picking at her food lately.

Therefore, he takes her hand, leading them to the kitchen table. His mother has already made them some snacks laid out on the table. He sits her down on her seat and pointedly looks at the food in front her. Sniffling delicately, Mikasa reaches out to grab the apple in front of her and takes a small bite out of it.

Both stay at the table until Eren sees that she's finished her food. Then, he grabs her small hand in his and brings her to the sofas. The young boy sits her down again and says, "You should sleep. I'll get you some blankets."

Eren goes upstairs to the guest room where they keep extra blankets and pillows and brings them down to the living room. However, the sight of Mikasa stops him. Instead of sitting or lying down on the couch, she's curled up on the carpet in front of the fireplace. Her eyes are closed and there's a light furrow in her brow. Her black hair is strewn out underneath her, forming a curtain around her face.

Quietly padding over and draping the blanket over her body, the young boy notices that she squirms but doesn't open her eyes. Turning, Eren plans to leave the room until he hears his name uttered behind him.

Immediately, he swivels back. Mikasa is propped up on her elbows. She suddenly looks a bit bashful. "Sorry… Yesterday… I had some nightmares… It's why I had trouble sleeping…"

Eren understands, so he moves to sit by her side. He places himself on top of the blankets and crosses his legs. Laying his hands onto the ground, he gives her a reassuring look and says, "I'm here. You can sleep."

Mikasa smiles shyly and gratefully up at him. "Thank you."

Something blooms within his rib cage. At that time, he thought the pleasant feeling growing was because he made her happy. Therefore, he beams down at her and slowly, Mikasa begins to close her eyes.

Absent-mindedly, he stares out the living room window, watching the flurries of snow outside. Behind him, the electric flames faintly crackle. The heat provides a relaxing warmth. An orange glow is cast across the room. He doesn't know how much time passes but he catches himself yawning.

Eventually, his legs start cramping up from continually staying in his position. Trying to maneuver himself, he cringes when the numbness in his foot gets sharper. He lies back on the blankets and tries to stretch out his leg. Turning his head to make sure Mikasa is still asleep, Eren realizes that his face is inches away from hers.

Something makes him forget about his prior dilemma and captivates him to continue watching her. Curiously, Eren also rolls onto his side so that both his hands are tucked underneath his left ear. He examines the flutter of her lashes against her lids. He observes the rise of her chest fall into a slow rhythm. He watches the lines on her face smoothen and relax.

This is the first time she's looked so… at peace.

The warm feeling continues spreading, so Eren lets out an easy smile at the sight in front of him. Eventually, his eyelids droop. Lethargy overcomes him and he feels the urge to sleep as well. Thus, the young boy readjusts himself on the blankets and prepares to shut his eyes.

A low whimper escapes her lips. Creases between her brows begin to form again. Without even thinking, Eren lays his right hand on the open palm of her hand peeking out from underneath the blanket. He gives it a little squeeze. A few seconds later, Mikasa's face relaxes again.

His lips lazily tug up even more. Sighing noiselessly, Eren succumbs to the calming lull in the room.

Back then, he didn't understand.

However, Eren knew with surprising certainty that he wanted to stay like this.

She'd stay here as his Mikasa. And he'd stay here as her Eren.

And that would never change.

---

Author's Note: Y'all why is this so long? LOL

Thanks for reading! Writing in Eren's POV is so difficult lol. He's such a complicated character and I honestly feel like I made him into such an angsty mess HAHA. Apologies for any OOC-ness and any incoherency. But the resolution about his character development in this piece is kind of reflective of my thoughts about him in the manga: he definitely changed but the core of him was always the same. Of course, people have different thoughts on that but that's the beauty of his complexity!

Also, this story was pretty heavy so apologies to anyone who found this upsetting. I hope I didn't make light of the themes presented in this piece. Eren and Mikasa should consider therapy after this ending though. Definitely believe some behavior was normal grieving, but Eren really has issues lol. What's new?

Lowkey don't know how I feel about the ending: if Mikasa's experience happened to me, Eren might've gotten beat up before I forgave him hahaha. But in all fairness, I think the resolution makes sense given their characterization and I tried to make it as healthy as possible.

Thanks again for reading! Please let me know your thoughts if you have any 😊