The calm façade I'd worn like a mask since entering the courthouse abruptly faded as the door to the third floor bathroom closed behind me. My cheeks burned with a mixture of pain and embarrassment, my eyes prickling with the promise of unshed tears held in check by sheer willpower alone.
I walked with purpose to the small porcelain sink and turned the cold water on full force, splashing my overheated face repeatedly until I felt a sense of calm return. Taking deep breaths, I grabbed a fist full of paper towels and began to dry the water on my face.
Through the mirror, I gazed into my own eyes, trying to assess my appearance. My normally bluish green eyes were a bright green, my cheeks had lost the red color of high emotion, and my general expression had once again regained its sense of detachment. To the untrained eye, I looked unfrazzled, slightly bored. Except for the eyes. The heightened green were a dead giveaway that I had been about to cry. Fortunately, it was unlikely that James would notice, not with that damn slut hanging on his arm with her tits about to pop out of her silk blouse.
I closed my eyes tightly, willing the anger to melt away. I would need to keep my cool for this. I opened them back up and gave another critical look at my appearance. My ash blond hair was still in place, in the fashionable Kate Gossling do, giving me the all American suburban housewife look. I'd put on forty pounds since my wedding day, thanks to the rigors of six years of fertility treatments, but the curves leant me the aura of maturity, the thickening of my waist and hips positively screamed 'mom'. For once, I was thankful for this. It would play well in my favor while James and I stood before the judge to dissolve our marriage.
Today was our ten year anniversary. The irony of it all didn't escape my warped sense of humor. Ten years ago today I had stood before the justice of the peace on the first floor of this very building with James and swore that we would be together until death. I had been nineteen, fresh out of high school, a svelte 120 pounds, ready to start a future and family with the most perfect man in the world.
A very unladylike snort escaped at that last thought. Perfect my ass. But at the time, I had been absolutely mesmerized by him. All thoughts of college went straight out the window, I hadn't wanted any more from life but his love.
I rooted through my purse for my makeup, intent on a little touch up while I allowed myself this brief trip down memory lane.
Those first four years of marriage had been perfect. James came from a family with money, and we had spent the early years in grand style with exotic trips, extravagant gifts and long weekends where we never left our bed. We were so wrapped up in each other then. Our life together was like some sort of fairy tale.
Then came the baby years, or lack of one I should say. James wanted a house full of children in general, a son in particular. And so began the trips to specialists, the overload of synthetic hormones and chemicals pumped into my body, warping and changing me in more ways than just my outward appearance.
As each month passed with the return of my period, I sank further and further into depression. I hated my body, hated the constant barrage of pills, injections, and special diets. Hated that the only time I could get my husband to make love to me was when the calendar ok'ed my 'hot' days. Hated his baby obsession and my inability to give him what he wanted so much.
James became distant, and I felt our perfect love slip away effortlessly. I became obsessed with trying to gain his approval, to somehow win back the affection that I had lost, to no avail. I was a disappointment to him, I could see it in his eyes.
When the seventh round of invitro failed, my doctor sat us down for a talk. There was nothing wrong with me, physically, he had said. There were no medical explanations for why my body had failed, yet again, to accept an embryo. We had exhausted our options, he explained, and he felt it was in my best interest to stop the treatments. Maybe we could try again in another five years or so, but he wasn't optimistic. Perhaps we should look into adoption, he advised.
On the way home from the appointment, James dropped the bombshell. He no longer loved me. We would be better off apart. And my altogether favorite: he was tired of pretending to be someone he was not. Which loosely translated into: he didn't want a baby, he never had. He'd only gone with the program because I had forced him to.
Pain, despair, anger, heartache, abandonment. All these emotions overwhelmed me until I felt as though I were choking on them. Through a mist of tears I stared blindly ahead at the dashboard of his Lexus, listening as he told me in a monotone that he'd already made his decision. He wouldn't be returning home again. He would contact me through his lawyer.
With those parting words of wisdom, he had dropped me off in front of the house that until that morning, we had shared. During the few hours we had been gone, a moving crew he had hired had emptied it of everything save my personal items and the bed we had shared.
The next few hours were the worst of my life. I wandered through the barren rooms sobbing uncontrollably, as over and over again I was devastated by what should have been there but no longer was. Wedding photos, vacation momentos, even the tiny blue sleepers I'd purchased… gone, all gone. He'd left me nothing to hold onto. Exhausted, I fell down to the floor of the room James and I had decorated as a nursery, curled up into a ball, and cried myself to sleep.
I'm not really sure how long I laid there. Several hours was my best guess. It was fully dark outside when I awoke to the gentle voice of my sister-in-law and best friend Sarah.
She held me in her arms as I poured my heart out to her, and when I was once again cried out, she helped me to my bed and tucked me in like a child.
I awoke the next morning little better off than I'd been the night before. Sarah, gentle, understanding, broke the rest of the news to me. James had left me for another woman. A younger, thinner, and newly pregnant woman. And he intended to leave me with nothing, no money, no house, no car. He was completely cutting me out of his life, as if our marriage had never happened.
She assured me that the family wouldn't allow that. That SHE would never allow that to happen. Sarah helped me to grow some much needed steel in my spine and took me to meet her friend, the ball breaking divorce lawyer. Egged on by Sarah's outrage, I was out for blood, and the lawyer assured me that I would collect.
One last look in the mirror, and I was ready. I put my cosmetics in my purse and stepped out from the bathroom, once again feeling confident.
Sarah and David, my lawyer, stood in the hallway outside of courtroom six waiting for me. David looked up as I approached and smiled as he looked over my appearance. He was an utterly average looking professional man. Just under six foot, normal build, clean cut features. He was the type of man you passed on a busy street and promptly forgot about. He gave off a quiet, bookish impression.
It wasn't until he spoke and his clear gray eyes focused on you that his complete command of everything around him came into focus. Charismatic was a word that fell short of describing the effect he had over a courtroom.
Part of me wryly wondered what would have happened had he decided to lead a cult instead of going to law school.
"Wonderful!" he praised. "You look beautiful, Caro. As always. Remember what I told you? Remain dignified, no shows of anger."
I nodded and pasted a smile on my face.
"Oh, Caro! You ignore that stupid whore, and every time you feel the need to slap the slut red from her lips just remember that she's helping you by being here, ok?" Sarah gave me a brief squeeze and a meaningful look of understanding before heading into the courtroom.
David gave me as searching look.
"You're going to be ok. I promise." His voice lowered in concern as he place a hand against the small of my back and led me into the courtroom.
I tried not to look over at James, but failed. He'd allowed his chestnut hair to grow out a bit from his customary crew cut, and for the first time ever, he sported a rough goatee. A glint of gold in his ear gave away the presence of an earring. He was dressed surprisingly casual, with an untucked button up shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. It was a far cry from his usual custom tailored attire. He looked foolish, like he was trying too hard to look young.
And sitting there in the row behind him, in all her teenage, bottled blond glory, was the woman I like to refer to as the home wrecking hooker. She was smiling like an idiot, twirling a white blond lock on her finger as she chewed a large wad of Bubblicious. The pair of them gazed lovingly into each others eyes as they touched fingers over the railing that separated them.
My heart ached and my feet missed a step. Before I could react, David steadied me, and we continued to our designated seats.
Mere seconds later, a guard called out "all arise for the honorable Judge Lawrence Wilson. This court is now in session.
The case before you is Dawson vs. Dawson…"
I went through the motions in a fog. All my concentration was focused on a single thought: I will not cry. Over and over I played this in my head, my own very recent personal mantra. I stood as required, then resumed my seat. I focused on the little things as I stared at the fake wood grain on the table before me. Breath in, breath out. I will not cry. Breath in. relax.
From behind us I heard the snap of her bubble gum and imagined I could smell a whiff of her cheap perfume. I closed my eyes and willed myself not to care.
When I opened them, there was a yellow legal pad obstructing my view of the table. In a careful, even script were the words: would you like his balls gift wrapped?
I turned the sudden urge to laugh into a small coughing fit, and snuck a glance at David. The corners of his lips were turned up in a slight smile, but he appeared to focus on James' lawyer's opening remarks.
'With a big fancy bow please' I wrote below it and passed the notepad back to david.
He glanced down for a second and smiled, scrawling a reply without looking before sliding it back to me.
'There's my girl'
I smiled and felt everything click back into place. My world was not crashing down, I would not let it.
Let the games begin, I thought to myself as I began to take notice of the proceedings around me.
All things considered, I could not have been happier with the outcome. I was awarded the marital home, the Mercedes, our condo in Cancun, and half of everything that James was worth. Oh, did I forget to mention the well endowed monthly alimony check I would be receiving until the day I remarried?
David, Sarah, and the whole Dawson family- minus James of course- took me out to dinner to celebrate. As the night wore on, the older and much younger members of the extended family left, and David slipped me a silver wrapped package topped off with a big sparkly bow.
"What's this?" I asked as I placed my rum and coke on the table so I could take the present in both hands.
"Unlike some men, I actually keep all my promises," he joked as he leaned over to kiss my temple. "Call me if you need me, Caro."
With a smile and a wave he was gone. Sarah and her younger sister Madeline were suddenly upon me, insisting that it was time to leave and find a dance floor, and the present was quickly forgotten.
I awoke the next morning in Sarah's guest bedroom with a splitting headache and a smile on my face. James' defection still hurt, hell the whole situation still hurt, but I hadn't let it get the best of me. And I'd taken a large chunk of his pride for my trouble.
I rolled over and spied the silver package on the nightstand, and immediately picked it up.
How had I forgotten to open this?
Carefully, I pulled back the paper to reveal a plain white box. Nestled inside amongst pink tissue paper was a card.
Caro,
Normally, people hang these on the towing ball of their trucks. I recommend you hang yours on the review mirror of your ex husband's ex Mercedes. At least until you find a place for it on your mantle. Keep your chin up, kid. The worst part is over.
D
I removed a flesh colored contraption that looked remarkably like a scrotum, and began laughing so hard a tear coursed down my cheek.
Sarah popped her head in the door.
"What's so funny?" she asked.
I held the lifelike set of balls up.
"I'm gonna hang these in James' Mercedes!"
Her expression was priceless.
Somebody please make this into a credit card commercial, I thought to myself as I began laughing again.