Harry handed the book to Remus with a sense of dread. Having been forcibly removed from the Burrow had made it even more real, no longer a construct in his mind, but his plans finally being forced into action. Not that he even really had a plan yet!
Remus took the book with a gentle, reassuring smile at Harry. None of them had forgotten their argument, but they were well aware they couldn't force Harry into anything. All they could do was be there for him, and he was more than happy to help with that by taking his turn through this mess.
James smiled with pride, knowing he'd have done the same for Lily in a heartbeat. Considering the important women in Ron's life, James was convinced he would have done this for his mother as well as his sister, Hermione was more than deserving of it.
Lily smiled affectionately, but her worry still held they hadn't said anything official yet. She hoped this wasn't an ill omen of their fate together.
"It's not something you ever quite get used to," Remus agreed in sympathy. "No matter how much you're included."
"Stop being such a downer Moony," Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I," James' voice faded before he could even get started. He had a bag of mixed feelings for all this as well, but he had for much longer than Harry it seemed, days ago when he'd heard of his sons first year. He hadn't come to much of a conclusion himself, and there hadn't been much since to help, only hinder. He couldn't imagine advising Harry on something he couldn't figure out himself.
"Thanks for understanding," Harry still smiled at him. The look that passed between the two held more than if James had shared any of that aloud.
Sirius shifted with guilt, as if Harry had lobbed that at him. His godsons current place in thinking of this wasn't helping! His mind tried to build a defense, that he couldn't have done more to save Regulus than he did, but was that true? Had Dumbledore ever told himself the same? If Sirius had tried more to invest in his little brothers life, would he have still joined the Death Eaters and been just another casualty? He still had nothing but speculation on those initials, and feared never getting a real answer.
Lily looked her son in the eye and said with confidence, "now don't start that! He did care about you, he had a heart as big as Hagrid's! Has," she quickly corrected, going a little cross-eyed and dry mouthed but still continuing. "I don't have the answers Dumbledore didn't give, but honestly Harry, I know he cared about you, how could you not? Don't you remember why he didn't tell you about your connection to Voldemort for so long?"
'He'd cared too much.' The words echoed back in Harry's head now as he gazed around at them all. Worry and indecision was plain, they wanted to demand answers as much as him, possibly keep their distance a bit more now than they'd ever considered, but still there was no true contempt like he was beginning to feel. He took a deep breath and tried his hardest to keep this feeling in him now, but it was already slipping away again as the memories pressed on.
"Or it was Kreacher returning and doing his usual job of making the place even more unlivable," Sirius muttered with disgust, still wishing more than anything he could drag Harry from that place.
Harry snorted in surprised laughter even as excitement flared in him for this discovery. "Get lost on your way up there much?"
"Ron had the same thing and you didn't laugh at him for it," Sirius pouted. "It's not like I put it there, I was well aware where my room was! It was the only sanctuary I had there some days."
"I'm just hoping he goes even further up, I want to see how you lovingly redecorated your parents room," James didn't bother to suppress his glee at this, vividly remembering Buckbeak had spent a large amount of time in there and it would be fun to take the mickey out of that some more.
"We have," James and Remus said together, Remus continuing, "on separate occasions, but both were quite memorable." His twisted smile did not liken towards a good way.
"Mine was more for Sirius' actions than anyone though," James managed just a bit of laughter in remembrance. "His parents were insisting he have a friend over for the holiday, keeping up appearances or something right?" He offered.
"Oh yeah, it was my first summer back and I was still, ah, well not exactly trying to make amends after all the howlers and nasty letters they'd sent at first for my placement," Sirius recalled with an unimpressed expression, "but I was still trying to be civil at the time, believe it or not."
"Not," Lily snorted, she couldn't get him to be civil with people he did like, and his parents were notoriously not in that category.
Sirius ignored her. "And he was the most, well only semi- decent respectable friend I'd mentioned," Sirius finished with an eye roll. "I swear they acted like I hadn't even said any other names," he finished with a grimace.
"Anyways," James continued loudly, "it was a nice dinner party, for about five minutes. We were caught sneaking upstairs and began some redecorating of his room-"
"Prongs and I got pissed at Kreacher trying to turn tail and tattle on us, and may or may not have accidentally set that elf on fire-"
"Not! Definitely an accident!" James quickly defended the scandalized looks of his wife and child.
"Well don't tell anyone else that, I still hold that as my third highest achievement, doing that under her nose," Sirius smirked. "My first was getting out of that house for good," he finished to Harry, "second was getting into Gryffindor."
Harry couldn't decide what expression he was supposed to be holding here, while Lily was grumbling to herself if she really wanted to hear more.
Remus decided for them and cut in, "mine was an even shorter visit, and quiet ugly. I'm not even sure you should hear it-"
"It's not like their opinion of Walburga can get any lower," Sirius snipped in disgust before again explaining, "tried to sneak Moony in one night because I got bored, thought everyone was asleep. It was that little curd ruining my life again waking up the house with someone not a pureblood being present, and then," his face grew steadily more red with anger, "dear old mum recognized Moony from his dad being in the news a few years back because his son got attacked by a werewolf. She put two and two together, and-"
Remus tried to finish it off much more smoothly than had actually happened, "a few curses were thrown around, and the two of us jumped into the fireplace and off to Prongs' place."
"Didn't show my face there again until next summer," Sirius sneered, "and it was my last."
Harry felt close to horrified now. As many abysmal memories as he had at the Dursleys, very few had ever come to blows. Even the ones that had came from shock of his magic, he understood now what he hadn't in his younger years. He couldn't imagine Sirius' own parents intentionally throwing curses around, especially because of Remus. Add in Kreacher being the cause of clearly at least half his troubles in that house and Harry wanted to hug his godfather rather than force him to continue hearing of this miserable house.
Sirius went wide-eyed with exaggerated innocence, all the while boasting with pride for Harry getting the chance to see this. "Whatever could you mean pup? Has the impression of my family made you think such a thing?"
"They're lucky he didn't burn the whole house down, on accident or on purpose," James snorted.
To Sirius' surprise, Lily started giggling, she wasn't even trying to hide it. He preened with even further delight while Harry's smile continued to grow at remembering all this.
Sirius' smile dropped, his heart felt like it was going to sink right out of his chest. It's not as if he'd forgotten that picture, he couldn't ever. Yet he'd almost been hoping Harry's eyes would skip over it for everything else around.
Remus and James knew at once what this was as well, and Harry and Lily could make a guess at all the suddenly glum faces.
Harry flattened his hair and fidgeted a bit even as he smiled winningly at them now. Watching his dad was better than any picture he had of him, better than any dream he ever could have hoped for. Sirius on the other hand felt almost alien sometimes. He loved interacting with this almost carefree, vibrant godfather, but it still shook his mind at times to have the image crystal clear of what he'd become. He couldn't ever put that into words, and he didn't really want to anymore. The life Sirius had been forced to suffer was past now, and with any luck he'd never have to go through it...again.
Sirius slumped heavily in his seat, sitting just a bit closer to Remus than was necessary. He needed whatever reminder he could, keeping his eyes on James, even as his best mate looked ready to be sick. It still hurt, no matter how many different ways they were forced to remember all those years they'd had together. They couldn't just erase them, pretend they'd never happened with him, but the sense of betrayal they all would carry for the rest of their lives almost made them wish they could.
James squeezed his eyes tight shut, pinching the bridge of his nose as his glasses dug uncomfortably in. He tried, just for a moment to erase that part of the picture from his mind, make it fade out, but he couldn't do it. Even now, he would not pretend to go back and change the best years of his youth around his friends, no matter how much he wished to somehow stop Peter from his treachery. He didn't care how much Sirius and Remus hated him for it, he could never forgive, but he could not forget.
"Oh, no, you're pretty close," Remus went to reassure in a more raspy voice than usual. He tried to clear it, but that didn't help much, he still kept speaking like he was getting over a head cold. "We ah, took that, err it was suggested right after they found out, I was, I mean, well he thought-"
"Our former friend suggested it after we found out Remus was a werewolf, sort of a commemorable joke," James finally said in a flat, dead sort of voice. Sirius' face was as red as the Gryffindor colors he'd been proudly flying in his room. Remus could hardly stand another moment of lingering on this and tried to keep going around the tight ball in his throat.
"Sorry Harry," Sirius whispered.
"I, ah, still have that one though," Lily offered, her mind on their old scrapbook. "If you, really still want it..."
"I have better ones now," he answered with a smile at them all.
"Um, are we still thinking it was Kreacher?" Sirius asked with mock cheerfulness, more than happy for any change of subject.
"I really can't imagine who else would be doing this," James agreed.
Sirius couldn't help a fond chuckle of remembrance for that. Remus swore he regretted giving him that even years later as it had been the start to his obsession with motorcycles, but Moony still smiled at his own memory of the messy note he'd gotten in thanks for sending that.
"Oh, must be a letter from me to you," James blinked in surprise before lighting with a smile. "We get to know about this early, how fun!"
"Why's it there though?" Sirius asked of no one. "You'd think something like that would be around our flat."
"I, maybe got a hold of it, showed it to you while we were there?" Remus offered quietly.
Sirius nodded absently for the idea while trying to fight off the urge to cry. This was all he'd have left of the family around him, to remind him they even existed after Azkaban would have tried to take it all away, an old note from his best mate.
All five of them burst out laughing at the idea. Finally, this felt like something in their future they could look forward to, Harry's first birthday! Sirius was beaming already, the idea had been on his mind for ages since he'd seen it being advertised! James couldn't have been happier if he'd tried!
Remus paused with a funny look on his face, this wasn't feeling much like a letter from Prongs with that wording, but then he realized he was the only one who noticed.
James blinked in surprise and cast his eyes to where that thing had once stood, but he'd already smashed it in this time and they'd thrown it away rather than repair it. He shrugged without much more thought for it, while Harry got a creeping feeling up his spine for realizing the same. The irreversible idea things were already being changed was not one he wanted to think about right now.
Remus stared at that for a moment, gaze flickering up to the others as his brain readjusted what he was reading.
"Huh," Sirius finally said with a shrug, ignoring Lily's faint blush as she'd only called him Padfoot once. Now she was addressing letters to him in this way? It likely didn't contain any secret to have the need to, so? "Guess you take to calling me that regularly sometime soon."
"Should I be getting worried you two are going to start conspiring behind my back?" James mock pouted.
"Yes," the two answered in tandem, before breaking out with laughter. James and Remus were so taken by surprise they took a moment to join in, by then all four were snickering away like idiots. Harry watched this near tears. Even in his wildest imagination he couldn't have come up with the homey scene playing out before him involving his family discussing something so carefree. He didn't know what magic had sent him here, but in this one moment he knew he'd never regret it no matter the consequences.
Their smiles began flickering in confusion, mostly wondering for the first time why Sirius was being written this like he wasn't there, and then realizing this was exactly what Lily meant. Then more anxiousness, what was someone named Bathilda doing here? This was less than a year in their time, and already things would be changing? Remus had to clear his throat awkwardly before he stuttered over the next line.
Well, there was their answer and confirmation. Sirius blanched in shock as he suddenly realized this meant he had successfully missed every single birthday of Harry's!
James could only manage an awkward laugh as he tried to rouse some comfort out of that look, "well, at least you're consistent? You gave him his first broom, and his best."
Sirius nodded, but not as if he'd heard and agreed.
James looked like he'd been kicked in the face now as realization slammed down on them all. He and Lily were already in hiding then, they seemed to have been moved to Godric's Hollow and were at least going underground by next July's end. Dumbledore had taken his Invisibility Cloak by that time as well? Why? The question had bothered him greatly back during Harry's first year when this had all come up, he hadn't shown it to his Order yet. Perhaps he had when Dumbledore revealed the gruesome news, and his old Headmaster had taken it then? Lily was having to ask Sirius to come around, as if he were already trying to draw distance away from, everyone.
Lily wasn't feeling much better. They'd thought they would have until October of next year before this really came to fruition, somehow two more months being shaved off their time was even more suffocating, the walls of this future closing around them all the faster.
Sirius took an uneasy breath, then provided exactly what Lily had asked for. "Well of course it would cheer him up, the man can hardly live without me for longer than a day!"
"You once spent an entire week camping outside the Ravenclaw dormitory to figure out their riddle and I didn't even notice," James reminded.
"I wouldn't call it camping," Remus snorted. "He kept having the house-elves bring him food and the Ravenclaws always waited until he left for the bathroom to get in. I think they enjoyed it, another level of difficulty putting them on a timer."
"You were dating Evans by then, I needed something to do with that free time," he pouted, before turning an accusing gaze on her. "I told you, you monopolize him!"
"Isn't it any consolation I'm all but begging for your endless wealth of humor soon?" She returned sarcastically.
"No," he smirked as his real answer.
Whatever good mood they'd tried to put themselves back together with vanished just as fast. Lily had only been a part of their lives for about four years now, in any integral way at least. They'd long since grown used to her presence after the first near inseparable months of their dating, but even after all this time she'd never done something as casual as referring to them for the nicknames they'd given each other, let alone adopting her own version of them. Her dating James alone had been a very gradual and slow process, accepting his friends had been an even more glacial proceeding. She'd long since let her guard down around them all, but there was something even more personal about the double-crossing to come when they realized for the first time how much Lily would really come to care for them. Maybe even more than she had for her own once best friend?
Remus was nearly sick at having said that. How many others before James had that traitor gotten killed? Had he seemed down because it was his information already being passed along?! They'd never really asked for more details on exactly how this had all begun, Remus didn't think he could live through it. No matter how much he was ashamed of himself for it, he couldn't let himself think about this now.
They had to blink for a moment and come back to themselves, almost having forgotten for a moment this was from Harry looking back rather than a peek of them looking forward. What knowledge he'd gained of his family in his life had always come to him in broken bits and pieces, it felt like he'd never get the whole picture.
Lily startled in surprise as she glanced at her son with a pleased little smile, she'd never realized such a thing. She suddenly wondered if, when he'd been learning his letters, Petunia had taken a hand in this and instructed him to do it in a way their mother had once taught them. She took his hand, the one with that ghastly scar Umbridge had forced in, and found some stupid sense of perverse pleasure there was no g in there to mock her now.
"Oh Harry," Lily sighed as she turned to brushing at his hair. "You're all the proof that's needed silly."
Harry just smiled at her with pure warmth, his hand going up to fumble for something around his neck that was no longer there. He wasn't sure if he could put into words the meaning this held for him, that he had something of his dads and godfathers, now his mum as well.
Lily's hand tightened painfully around Harry's as she sighed and tried to fight back tears. She could hear the tom cat now scraping around in his litter box in the back room, little specks of litter would soon be spotted in his dark brown fur and leaving a trail from that area she'd have to clean up. Soon he'd come along and find her when he wanted his chin scratched and would yowl loud enough for the whole house to hear when he wanted his dinner. The idea of anything happening to her little Hickory, a dearly beloved present and pet from her husband, was yet another casualty she would do her damnedest to prevent.
James made a huffy little noise of agreement. Add it to the list of things he wanted to demand with no way to get an answer.
"Seems possible, though what led to me revealing it right when my family would need it most is still beyond me," James groused. If that was how it had come to light though, he couldn't even resent it, not that he ever really had to begin with. After all, it had fallen into the right hands in time, and the thing would not have saved his wife and child for all that they understood had happened on Halloween night, so he tried to push it all away.
James flinched again as that knife in his back was dug in a little deeper, but Remus looked as if he could hardly keep breathing this kept being forced in their face so repeatedly, and was thankful he didn't linger on it anymore.
Lily needlessly shrugged, not that anyone had thought she'd know. There was plenty she'd heard of Dumbledore now she hadn't even thought of nearly a fortnight ago now, but it seemed there was even more to learn if any of what Skeeter had implied was even a little true. She'd certainly consider Bathilda more reliable than whatever Skeeter would soon be parodying of apparently the same stories.
They all got a slightly jilted laugh out of those options. They seemed the kindest after all the other nasty implications thrown about regarding some sister and parents that apparently the generation before them loved to gossip about.
Lily smiled with pure love once more, as far as she was concerned the important part of that had been saved at least.
"I can't imagine Kreacher taking it," Sirius scoffed in disgust.
"Who then?" Remus looked genuinely confused at this puzzle. "I don't know why the picture would have been torn, none of the other papers seemed to have much messed up, the books were said to have pages missing only because they were mishandled."
"You think the picture is what they were after?" Lily asked blankly.
"It may contain whatever you were fixing to mention about Dumbledore," Remus agreed. "I don't know, can't imagine what. Like I said, it seems the only thing with actual harm done to it," he finished with just as much confusion.
"Honestly, I can't even say I care," James rolled his eyes. "Like Lily said, the important part lasted," he grinned at Harry, imaging him slowly growing up and getting to watch as he should, the pure bliss he would soon be feeling getting to see his one year old on his first broom.
"Glad Harry agrees!" Remus chuckled.
He nodded now to say as much, but for some reason something in him was holding him back from doing so with any more conviction. That Remus was half right he was sure, but he couldn't think why.
"What, is Hermione calling to check how you like your eggs?" Sirius snorted.
"Oh," they all blinked in surprise to realize she'd actually been worried, and with good reason! They suddenly felt a little bad themselves, not warning Harry to give them some idea he hadn't just vanished like that could have seemed.
The Marauders got a particular snicker out of that.
"Well, since Hermione didn't," Sirius cleared his throat and glared at Harry to say in what he clearly thought was Ron's voice, "you're a git."
"Thanks Sirius," Harry chuckled.
"Where they were headed to next, possibly," Sirius offered uncomfortably. "Though he wouldn't find much."
"Yes, I'm so sure I roast her on this topic daily," James rolled his eyes.
"You mean grill, dear," Lily corrected.
"Well you weren't being subtle," Remus tried to smirk, but it didn't come off right as this was presented again. He had to swallow uncomfortably before he could keep going.
"That doesn't mean it has to consume your life!" Sirius blustered in frustration, at this rate he'd take anything getting Harry out of this place. "I'm not saying to treat these things like a holiday side project, but let Harry live a little during it!"
"She's always had a bit of single minded focus," Harry shrugged in defense, his feelings on Godric's Hollow mixed and all over the place whenever he tried to think about it long so more than happy if it was put off.
"I would have waited until Ron was there so you wouldn't have to share that twice," James sighed.
Lily tisked at Harry, "that's not helping anyone, you may as well be honest with her and Ron."
Harry still didn't say anything, and James snorted, "right, and I'm not the best Chaser Hogwarts ever had. Come on Harry, you really shouldn't deny these things!"
Harry got a small smile out of that at least, while Lily rolled her eyes and muttered about his fat head never really leaving him.
"Some truths don't do justice for the full story," Sirius muttered evasively. He couldn't believe he was defending Dumbledore of all people on this, but he didn't think the truth of the life he was brought up in reflected who he chose to be.
Harry watched him, taking a moment to understand what Sirius meant before replying, "I still think I should get to decide that for myself, not have others pick and choose parts of the story." He loved and respected his godfather, not in spite of his upbringing, but because of what he knew of it and how he'd become better for it. Harry hadn't been shy in shaming them when he'd seen a particular moment between them and Snape, but his godfather had grown from that. If something similar had happened in Dumbledore's past, he felt he had a right to know about it, considering he was on this path in large part with his old headmasters hand.
Sirius just nodded without further argument. He wanted answers from Dumbledore as well, but the kind related to Prongs and what the man had to do with their future, he still wished Harry would quite trying to dredge up his past. That was done with, even in their time.
Sirius twitched uneasily and sunk deeper into his seat, while Harry suddenly sat up very straight, his excitement rising for some unknown reason.
Sirius laughed without humor as Harry compared the wrong Black kid as the traitor to the family.
Remus read past that without a second glance, he was well aware of Sirius' little brothers full name, Sirius had cursed it often enough in his youth while sharing all of his feelings about 'the Imperiused little whelp always doing what he was told.' He didn't see it doing anyone any good to linger now when Sirius had so many misgivings about him they likely weren't going to get an answer to, surely those initials were just a coincidence to be appearing in relation to a bit of Voldemort's soul.
Lily ruffled her brow in confusion as she looked hard at the book and then around at all the boys, clearly missing something.
Then Lily went very still, her eyes narrowing in on Sirius, and then she got to her feet to smack him upside the head.
"Ouch! What was that for," he demanded sullenly as he knew full well. His earlier thoughts about not lingering on the past now sitting heavier than ever in his heart.
"You knew this whole time and couldn't bother to tell us?"
"Rather you, really dear," James lightly defended. "He wasn't sure anymore than us, we just happen to recognize those initials."
She sniffed and grumbled a bit more as she shot him one more look before sinking back into her seat, still staring at him expectantly.
"What do you want from me woman?" He demanded, still exaggeratedly rubbing the spot. "I don't know more than you, Merlin for all I know Harry's wrong and just made the same assumption I did."
Lily did recall Sirius hadn't actually known Regulus had joined the Death Eaters, and died of it, until it had been said in the fifth book. She still recalled the look on his face when he'd heard the news, so relented and waved Remus to continue for some real concrete answer.
Lily shook her head and rolled her eyes, she hadn't a clue about this.
"Yeah, that's a, nice story," Sirius whispered softly, he just couldn't imagine it. The little squit that obediently and faithfully followed every one of fathers rules, the obnoxious good-boy at all the parties mother loved to praise. Regulus had once told Sirius he actually learned from his mistakes with such a superior smile Sirius had to be held back from punching him in the face by a once trusted friend! Now the one who had saved him from detention was the downfall of his future, and the kid brother he'd so hated may somehow be responsible for stopping Voldemort? If his head didn't explode soon he'd have to do it manually just to relieve himself.
"Well, that was probably alarming," Remus muttered absently.
Sirius burst out hard with very surprised laughter, he wished that was the most of that houses troubles.
"You basically just summarized our relationship in one sentence," Sirius told Harry deadpan. "Remember that going forward, yeah?" He didn't want Harry to start getting false hopes Regulus' life had been worth something, he told himself firmly.
Sirius swallowed painfully, but his cocky voice sounded more defensive as he snapped, "well one would hardly join up for many other reasons!"
"Sirius, no one is accusing you-" Lily tried to kindly say, but he glared so furiously at her she quickly stopped, realizing her mistake after she caught James shaking his head at her.
His friends had long since known not to bring Regulus up themselves, even they weren't entirely sure of where Sirius stood with him. Some days he seemed to loath his only brother as much as Snape, and some he went quiet and would hardly speak to anyone with such a remorseful air about him it was like he'd killed the lad himself.
Sirius never seemed to have picked an answer himself. He still remembered the years before they went to school, his only companion in that house was his little brother. They'd laugh and play like he would in a few years times with the Marauders, sneaking about and telling jokes only the other got. Things had only changed after he'd come home from his first year of school, his brother had drawn distant and cold in front of their parents disapproving speeches, but then he'd gone right back to normal when they were alone. He'd soon realized Regulus just wanted to please everyone, but that could never happen in the Black house, and apparently when he'd been put to the test and forced to pick a side he'd chosen their parents over his brother. Sirius had always wondered if he could have done more to change that, but couldn't even begin to imagine what. The defiance that grew more flagrant the older he got only seemed to push the boy farther away from him.
The room was quiet for so long Sirius had to shake himself out of his own thoughts and glared at Remus, the unspoken words to keep going as loud as what had just been circling through him. Remus didn't argue the point, Sirius didn't have to give anyone an explanation for this.
"I never mentioned that?" Sirius asked airily.
Harry could hardly stand to see him faking so much to act normal, but he still played along. "Failed to mention anything except what you've heard, err, will tell me," he finished lamely.
"Ah," was the only response he could mutter.
"It couldn't be this is what they were looking for," James said into the still awkward silence.
"I still can't work together how Regulus would be smart enough, or stupid I should say, to get his hands on this thing, let alone hide it in the bloody house he lived in," Sirius said viciously.
James raised his hands in surrender at once, clearly choosing not to say anymore of this, aloud. Internally he was still trying to piece it all together, but couldn't imagine how an old baby picture of Harry's, a letter from Lily, and a locket were all in the same goal.
That at least caused all five of them to chuckle again.
"You lot seem oddly convinced this is it!" Sirius said forcefully, he just wanted this conversation to end! "Have any of you even tried to find other alternatives!"
"Hermione did," Harry reminded, not looking at Sirius so he wouldn't see the hope that was burning in him. They were on the right path with this one, he just knew it, but clearly his godfather didn't want to admit as such. "She didn't come up with anything, and this was as strong an idea as we'd had. Sorry," he finished lamely.
Sirius heaved out a sigh before telling him, "don't apologize, I'm sorry I'm being such an arse about this. I just hate thinking of the little twat, and mixing him in this isn't helping at all."
Harry understood that at least, there were plenty of things from his past he didn't like having repeated.
"What did she realize?" Remus ruffled his brows in confusion.
Harry didn't have to cast his mind back far to collect the memory again, and his mouth visibly fell open.
"That's it then," Lily's eyes nearly fell out of her head. "It was, right there, before we even realized-"
"Merlin's socks! That's been staring at us in the face since, Harry even..." James trailed off with such a bewildered look on his face Dumbledore could have been declared back from the dead.
Remus just watched Sirius, who hadn't moved.
He didn't know what to say, how to even begin processing this. This meant, Regulus had done it? Had, defied, someone? Voldemort, of all people! He just stayed like that, frozen and unmoving as he tried to align this with the worthless blood of his he'd cast off.
Moony didn't know what to do, he looked to Prongs for an answer, who could only think to wave him on. Padfoot would have to come to terms with this somehow in his own head, and he was sure they'd know when he did.
"Not, exactly," Lily said. "Sirius likely banishes his rubbish like anyone, wouldn't that be considered destroying the locket beyond magical repair? Sirius may have just accidentally done it."
"I, don't think so. It sounds to easy," James disagreed. "Probably, if you tried to banish it, it may just reappear somewhere else, Merlin knows where. How would you even begin to track that down?"
"Let's hope Kreacher nicked it then," Remus quickly agreed, still trying to watch Sirius out of the corner of his eye, his eyes were steadily growing wider, but still nothing he could gauge.
"Perfect mood to set for all this," James shivered.
"What did he do with the blanket Hermione made him?" Lily asked weakly.
"Never saw it, he might have burned it," Harry muttered distractedly, attention entirely focused on Remus.
Sirius made a raspy sort of noise, that was all too apparent to how he felt right now. A dead, useless thing who'd never done anyone any good. How had he let this happen, right under his nose, and never noticed? Why hadn't he kept closer tabs on the kid? He should have tried harder, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe...
"I'd be more surprised if it had," James said venomously.
Lily was nibbling on her lip with worry at the thought of him, she hadn't spared much since he was done following Draco around, but now she wondered. She'd always assumed it was Dumbledore's magic keeping him at the school, seeing as Harry had never ordered him not to leave it and spill the secrets he knew of the Order. Now that Dumbledore was dead, well Snape had likely shared more than Kreacher ever could, but could it be possible he'd been in the service of someone else and Harry hadn't even known? He certainly hadn't been keeping tabs on the elf. She tried to push away her worry his presence wouldn't harm her son as it once had his last master, all Kreacher had to do was answer a question and he could go back away again.
"Surprised you never got around to that one," Remus muttered in disgust, still trying to engage Sirius. He had his face screwed up tight now, like he was struggling to remember something he'd never properly learned. It looked painful.
"Sirius ignored him more than ordered him about," Lily reminded, fighting back the urge to get up and hug him, he really looked like he needed a shoulder to cry on soon. The trouble was, he wasn't letting any of them see, anything he needed.
James had never forgotten this for one moment while that thing was present around Harry, it was all the sharper in his mind now as he wondered at the lone memory he had of watching Regulus interact with Kreacher . The contrast was again night and day, his best mate had never looked twice at the elf, while his little brother seemed to almost like the little being.
"Uggh!" Lily snarled in frustration, slamming back in her seat with pure mutiny. Nothing in her son's life could ever be easy.
"Gone, how?" James quickly demanded. "Gone, destroyed? Gone-"
"Shush," Remus snipped at the two, so he could get the answer already.
"Oh," was the only muttered surprise the four of them could manage, their minds floundering with this new information. That actually made the most sense yet! The old codger would nick anything with the barest of value, who knew what money could be gained from that picture and letter. Certainly the locket would look nice enough he'd filch it without a second thought!
"This is getting obnoxious," Remus grumbled as he eyed that name. "Now you have to go hunt down this fool and figure out what he did with it! Probably wound up back in Borgin and Burkes for a quick sell, and there's no telling where it went from there, that's assuming no one realized it was actually Slytherin's Locket and isn't being housed in Gringotts of all places under the tightest of security!"
Harry frowned at him with an odd look on his face, but Sirius interrupted anything else, his voice coming out scarily flat, "can't we just, I want to hear the rest of this first." Because there had to be more! If Kreacher really knew it...
Remus quickly shut his trap, and just as quickly headed him and kept going for just that. One thing at a time, they'd get through this.
"All that Dobby experience coming in much more handy than I'd have thought," James muttered, though the blasted thing poking its own eye out wouldn't stop it from spilling its guts on how else it had ruined Harry's life.
Sirius tried to shake off the last of his shock, knock off the self pitying mood for just a few seconds so he could hear whatever drivel this stupid elf coughed up. He could pay attention long enough for that!
Lily watched as Sirius attempted to put that cocky grin in place, feigning his usual pride for being described like that, but she didn't need to be one of his best friends to see through it. She remembered back to how she'd felt, first hearing of how Petunia would one day treat her son. Something very similar was going through Sirius now, except in an entirely different way. The sibling they thought they knew no longer existed in mind, and he was having to adjust quickly to keep up.
Sirius mouthed the word sixteen to himself. It was even worse than he'd feared then, Regulus had never made it out of school. Unlike Sirius, who had run away from home when his parents tried to convince him to do the same, Regulus had fallen in completely. He'd been given this revelation too many years to late already. Something died inside him that moment, something he now knew he couldn't get back.
He kicked the little feeling that was already trying to stir within him, the hope he wouldn't let flair to life. So he'd survived a full year of unspeakable deeds in that service, none of this was explaining how he'd gotten mixed up in the plot of Voldemort's soul!
"The hell?" James muttered in pure confusion.
"Elf's do have their own magic, separate from ours," Lily offered slowly. "Perhaps he was, trying to find some way, even then, to make himself more powerful than normal wizards?"
"I'd think he'd consider the magic he can do above anything of theirs, considering their magic's so deeply tied to wizard family's. Voldemort would think himself better than that," Remus disagreed, before acquitting, "not that I have any better ideas," and quickly read on without Sirius' prompting this time in hopes Kreacher would provide more.
"Oh," all five of them gasped as if they'd been socked in the gut.
"No, I, still don't get it!" Lily insisted even with this insight. "Did he want someone to test it on? Why an elf?"
"How did Kreacher even live through that! Dumbledore and Harry barely did!" James blustered.
Sirius silenced them again with a look, his face carrying a haunted expression none of them had ever seen. Sirius' mind had never left this story's ending, he was already guessing the conclusion being drawn.
Remus was terrified of that look, of Sirius' feet beginning to twitch like he was about to make a break for it, so kept reading with an eerie calm, waiting for the rest to unfold and hoping Sirius was getting ahead of himself.
"Simple as that eh?" James whispered, which didn't at all cover the quiver in his voice.
"Is anyone else kicking themselves for not inviting Dobby along, or is that just me?" Remus swallowed uncomfortably.
Harry gave Remus a nasty look for that, though unable to explain to himself why he wanted to keep Dobby as far away from all talk of this as possible.
"That, arrogant," Lily couldn't even keep going in despicable disbelief. They'd already been aware Voldemort's own downfall would be himself, but never something so obvious as this!
"No." Sirius said the one simple word in a flat, emotionless voice, he still couldn't put this together. Despite his answer being thrown in his face, he didn't understand! What had changed? Had Voldemort really went to tell Regulus his house-elf wouldn't be coming back, and that was enough to break his faith in a master he'd been conditioned to love? None of this explained if he even understood what it was Voldemort had put in there, if Regulus had even grasped what that locket really was, or why he'd take it from under Voldemort's nose! He jumped to his feet without realizing he'd done it, prepared to hunt down his brother right now and demand answers from him before he went and did this! Then he wavered dangerously on his feet, nobody needed to even breathe the warning for him not to leave as he vividly recalled the timeline for all this...
"No," Sirius whispered again, but this time in answer. Harry looked wildly at his gaunt godfather as the answer came to him, the memory floating back with all its green glory of how he'd been almost afraid to look Sirius in the face when it had been him and Dumbledore in there. Afraid to see his godfathers lookalike in the fleshy faces around him, for Regulus had not ever left that cavern.
Sirius fell back into his seat, feeling like some string had been cut.
"Oh Padfoot," James whispered, but Sirius just shook his head, pulling his hand threw his hair as he still tried to sort through his own thoughts. There were many things that had hurt worse. Everything those Dursleys had done to Harry, what his own dear friend had done to him and James, everything that had happened from that moment on until he'd died had been so painful he knew he could never look past it. This didn't hurt as bad, as he'd cast off this long ago, or so he'd thought; it still hurt bad enough.
"It's not a competition Pads," Remus offered gently, giving his shoulder a gentle shake. "He, he did the right thing, does the reason why have to matter?"
Sirius made some vague sort of motion of agreement, but he couldn't even see his family around him anymore. His mind still caught on that little nine year old waving him off for Platform Nine and Three Quarters, and not moments later he'd met James. He'd never intentionally exchanged one brother for another that day, but right now, it felt like he had. What sort of failure did that speak of?
James spluttered for a moment in shock, maybe even a little suppressed amusement. He'd never heard of such a thing, and to this one of all elf's! Here Kreacher was, still managing to say all this while taking every chance to make it sound how wonderful Voldemort was, when he was the reason for all of this!
"Guess that last order wore off," Remus muttered quietly, but with so much less venom than Lily had heard in his voice mere moments ago. She looked all around and saw the softening, just a hint on all of her boys. No matter what they said to the contrary, like with Malfoy, they all saw the wounded soul before them being forced into their roll in that moment.
"I can't believe a house-elf's magic didn't work!" Lily breathed in surprise, admitting now these things were more powerful than she'd imagined.
"Any of the family?" Sirius repeated to himself, that blank look still giving all of them the creeps.
"Sirius, please, you're scaring us," Lily tried. "Would you tell us what's going through your head?"
"I," he swallowed, looked almost ashamed at his friends for finally trying to admit it out loud, but couldn't stop himself now that it was on the tip of his tongue, "I just wanted to know why he hadn't come to me? Wouldn't he think, if he'd finally decided to go against Voldemort, I'd, be the obvious one, to...ask?" It sounded stupid to his own ears, pathetic even. He'd notoriously hated Regulus in school, but surely some part of his little brother had known all Sirius had been trying to do was make him see his actions. 'How would he?' A nasty little voice pointed out. 'You certainly never bothered explaining that to him.'
"I, well I mean," James blustered, but was at a complete loss how to help Sirius through this one. He'd kept himself far away from all of Sirius and Regulus' confrontations. He could spill a mountains worth of diatribe on the parents, but Regulus had always felt like another casualty of that insane bloodline. Sirius had been saved from it, and James had rather felt like he was stepping on his toes offering to have anything to do with Regulus, so it felt even more awkward to try now when his best friend was so obviously struggling to speak of any of this.
"Well, he seemed determined to keep everyone out of it. Seems he got a stubborn streak, Merlin knows from where," Remus offered with just the hint of a playful joke at the end. Sirius didn't raise for it, and Remus turned back morosely to see if there were any more horrors left.
James nearly ground his teeth into his skull as Harry voiced everything that was going through his mind. It didn't matter how much the elf cried for his disobeyed orders, his priorities came across pretty clear!
"I, that doesn't change-" James blustered as Lily eyed him with an unhappy little frown. "He still sold out Sirius, for a pat on the head! If Bellatrix even managed that much!"
"Nobody's asking you to forgive him James," Lily sighed. "I was just, hoping you'd see it's not all black and white. Kreacher made a decision based on what he saw of the world, same as anyone. His view was, just a bit more, limited."
James' mouth puckered with frustration, but he didn't have anything to lob back. The idea of what Dobby did never even would have occurred to him before he heard of it to say Kreacher could have been the same. He'd never even questioned house-elves for any reason before Harry, or more accurately Hermione, brought all this up. They just existed, and now he was facing this uncomfortable truth with an ugly ending.
Harry flushed with anger, but his was surprisingly the worst reaction. James and Remus locked their jaw to stop themselves screaming Sirius hadn't deserved anything that had happened to him, but for the first time they were forced to see their friend hadn't exactly helped his situation either. It wasn't a comfortable truth, and their chests were suddenly tight with pain.
Sirius, didn't have a reaction at all. He'd certainly regretted his death, being taken away from Harry when his godson had so needed him. He'd hated the elf and would never forgive him for being the cause of that. Now he was to learn Kreacher was even the cause of Regulus' death! He tried to be angry at that, searched for the fire to explode this stupid house-elf had poked his nose around and led his little brother right to this, but he just kept coming back to the answer he was following orders. Regulus' orders. He'd followed Sirius' unthought out command and led him to much the same doom. All he really felt at this new reflection was hollow.
"Oh, I know that's not true," Sirius whispered, speaking to the carpet and still running his hand through his long hair. "I just never cared."
Lily wrapped her arms around herself to stop from getting up and hugging some life back into him. He was starting to scare her, and she knew she wasn't the only one.
The new tone was not lost on Remus. He tried hard to adapt, to read Kreacher's name without the same flaring hatred associating him with Sirius' death. It wasn't easy, but for the sake of not repeating mistakes, he tried.
"It's not as if you were cursing at him before this," James muttered, but was slowly being forced to recognize the uneasy look flickering on Harry's face. He was actually trying to forgive the house-elf. James wasn't as sure he had that in him, but at the same time he didn't think he could ever hate something Harry could vouch for. He'd grown to even like Dobby. Swallowing uncomfortably and still far more worried about Sirius than anything, he pushed this away to be examined later.
Sirius looked at the book again, a sharp expression finally there again. They had no clue what he'd gotten from that, acceptance? James wanted to ask, growing sick with unease he'd been so useless to Sirius through this, but Remus had shifted uncomfortably and muttered he was almost done, and when Sirius waved him on none of them could argue.
Remus couldn't help it, he snorted with laughter and surprise at such a reaction. James was just boggled at yet another gesture of giving a house-elf a gift. Lily smiled with pride Harry was finally trying to learn about this. Sirius looked more akin to watching James fell off his broom again, half concerned and half dying of laughter.
"That's even more than me mum ever bothered," Sirius whispered with his head still cocked to the side, whatever had hold of his mind still hadn't let go and it looked almost painful for him to talk now. Remus quickly tried to finish already so they could get to the bottom of this.
"Why wouldn't he just wear it now?" Lily muttered in confusion, before James shushed her, his eyes still on Sirius.
"Well. That was," James just trailed off uncomfortably, having no idea where to start.
"Yeah, yeah it was," Sirius answered, still in a completely detached voice. "I, ah, think I, need to," he gestured vaguely at nothing, and then got up and left the room. James went after him at once. Remus hesitated, but chose to let the two be, he had even less experience with Sirius in this way than James. Whenever he got like this in school, he respectfully gave him his distance, like they did him when he wanted to be alone before his full moons.
He fidgeted uncomfortably with the sleeve of his robes, the three sitting in awkward silence as they tried to think past all this. Nothing had really changed for them, not remarkably. Lily at least found a new struggle in pushing away the knowledge some Death Eater's had tried to break away from what they'd once loved, but she knew the one she was really thinking of was too far gone.
Harry was still half filled with excitement to be one step closer to an answer, and irked it had been under his nose all along. How different things could have been if he'd given Kreacher the time of day.
James came back a good fifteen minutes later, alone. He shook his head and sighed, "I think he needs a break, I didn't get much out of him. Come on Harry, let's go have a look through the advertisements in the Daily Prophet. There's this Muggle Enhanced Fire-Put Outer Sirius has been eyeing, he'll go crazy if we get it for him."
Lily trailed upstairs to go check on her infant, while Remus fidgeted restlessly for a few moments, torn between following James and heading up to the roof again to get some air from all this. He paced restlessly around the house for several moments undecided.
Remus found him curled up under the bathroom sink. He'd always wanted to ask why that was Sirius' go to spot whenever he wanted to be away from people, but considering the act of asking would literally ruin the point Sirius was under there for, Remus had never brought it up. This time shouldn't have been any different, Remus knew without a doubt that two weeks ago he would have turned away and left Sirius to his mind like he was so clearly wanting, but Remus couldn't do that anymore. Not after everything he learned he would do to Sirius, to Harry. Remus had to change now to stop that from happening, and if that meant overstepping a line he never had, then he'd most certainly start here.
So he walked over to his side, sinking down on his level and sat there, waiting quietly for what could have been hours until Sirius spoke first, "thought you were Prongs again at first, except he comes in here, catches me and keeps babbling until I crack and laugh. He'll be back any minute now to try again, maybe with a dungbomb this time."
Remus almost reconsidered what he was doing, as clearly that hadn't worked this time, but for the first time realized Pettigrew would have seen this at some point as well. It burned like raw smoke smothering him to realize what that rat would have done in this same instance, was that what would have worked? It couldn't be helped now. Instead he kept waiting silently for the real reason Sirius was seeking seclusion. If he wasn't talking to James about it, it must be something truly bad, so he'd wait as long as Sirius needed to say it.
When Sirius did speak again, it was in such a hollow voice none would recognize it, "I didn't manage to do anything right did I?"
Remus' first instinct was to snap at him for being an idiot, correct him of course that wasn't true, but Sirius seemed to expect that, his shoulders already tensing and a set fighting look creeping into his eyes as gray met green. Remus at once knew that smacking him would get him no where, so still he kept his mouth shut, and actually waited for more.
Sirius seemed to realize this at the same time Remus had decided it, so cautiously and with some small amounts of self hatred leaving him, and yet coming back all at once, he whispered, "I, it's my fault what happened to James, Lily, and Harry."
Remus was already quite literally biting his tongue to tell him off for that alone, but when he drew blood to stop himself and Sirius seemed to realize it, everything began pouring out of him, everything he'd been feeling since they heard from the third book, everything he thought he'd never get away with saying out loud because his friends would try to tell him otherwise; but he needed to say it. "Then I go and die, and, and it was my fault again, because I couldn't stow my arse and pride away for one bleeding second, no I had to keep fighting her and get myself killed. Then, if you please, I go and find out that my baby brother, the little shit that I wanted nothing to do with because I was convinced he was as Voldemort happy as my parents, was part of Voldemorts downfall, while I was rotting away in a prison cell. Doing nothing but self pity. I could have gotten out of there at any time I wanted, but I kept my sorry arse in there because I deserved it, but for what. The least criminal thing of letting myself do that is Harry being forced to live with those Muggles where he was actually abused. What good have I ever done anybody?"
Remus couldn't have spoken by the time Sirius' babbling had ended itself if he wanted to, his throat was too tight. Of course he wanted to defend his best friend at every step of his crimes, but right now that's not what Sirius needed. Instead he swallowed past a harsh lump that was making breathing rather difficult, and kept his eyes trained on his mate who was forcing himself to keep going, to get it all out while he still had the chance, like the reaper himself was going to appear the moment he ran out of knives to stab himself with.
"I couldn't do a damned thing for the Order, couldn't even convince Dumbledore to let me out of that godforsaken house after I managed to escape it, and again that was my own fault because I could have left. Could have gone on the run again, being afraid never stopped me before, so now Azkaban went and turned me into a coward. I d-died while the whole world still thought I was Voldemorts guy, something I tried to prove against my whole life, and look where it got me!"
That's what Remus had been waiting for, for his Sirius to show up; where he turned his sorrow into some manic anger, where he could finally start yelling it out. It wasn't really funny, but Remus didn't stop a smile anyways.
"And what are you smiling about?" Sirius growled at him, though for the first time in ages there was color back in his skin, flushed with anger sure but still better than before. "Think it's funny, that everyone's life went to shit all because of my screw-ups! Everything I ever tried to do, gone, in one night."
"Of course none of that was funny," he said the word like he would werewolf, "but I rather see you screaming your head off, at least that's familiar to me. Sirius, stop talking like you can't change any of this. It can't be true, I won't let this happen, but I'm going to need your help. So now, you're not going to let that rat ruin their lives, and that takes care of a large portion of it. And who says you can't still try to make it right with Regulus? So you were wrong before, man up and apologize."
Sirius' brain felt like it was splattering against the inside of his skull as he whispered, "he might not be dead yet."
Then Padfoot took action, that determined little thirteen year old ready to take on the world as an illegal animagus to defend his loved one, as he lunged to his feet and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Kreacher!"
HPHPHPHP
I can hardly describe how excited I am to have finally been able to write out this chapter and the next, hope you enjoyed as much as I loved doing it!
*I think this speaks volumes! The people who claim Snape was doing this just as much to protect Harry as to honor Lily, I ask you, wouldn't Snape have kept the whole picture then? It's so honorary of what Harry lost, what Snape unintentionally destroyed. Nope, took the half with Lily and that's it! That's all he cared about, not the part with the baby, the part that was actually making her smile and laugh in that photo. Food for thought.