In his adult life, it was common for Severus to awaken before dawn, not that the light of the sun had been visible in the first place considering his chambers were in the dungeons. But even when not at Hogwarts, at his gloomy, childhood home at Spinner's End, he had never been one for sleeping in. Such was the life of a man whose dreams only served to haunt him.
So it was a surprise for the reborn Head of Slytherin once he opened his eyes and felt the sun's bright rays warming him under the soft, red blankets. Something touched the back of his mind, a sense of longing not unlike a pleasant dream that softly faded from one's thoughts as they awoke. A sensation that Severus hadn't felt since his childhood.
Such a thing should have been impossible. After all...what on Earth could a man dream of when he had already lived his worst nightmares? But as he set foot onto the floor of his personal chambers that had been gifted by Professor Dumbledore, Severus' black eyes instinctively were drawn towards that enchanted mirror.
From his current angle, he could not see his reflection, but Severus recalled that he had spent hours transfixed by the fantasy that his heart had conjured. That would explain why he had slept a while later than his normal routine allowed, and perhaps that lingering dream within his subconscious.
Based on the angle of the sun's rays as the former spy looked out on the majestic, Scottish hills, it was still several hours until his appointed tutoring period with Lily and her friend. Perhaps there was time…
As he stepped onto the rug at his bedside, Severus turned to see them. The angelic beauty that he knew to be the adult Lily Evans. Or was her last name not Evans anymore? Her hair was even more vibrant than the real girl's. Her soft, milky skin without a single blemish, well...what little skin was visible with her wearing that stunning dress which shimmered like black diamonds. And once again, she held the sleeping baby who couldn't have been more than two months old. A child with thin strands of black hair, her eyes shut as she slept safe and sound in her mother's arms.
He had come to accept what the lineage of the little girl was supposed to be, but as he searched those glimmering emerald eyes of reflection-Lily, he still yearned for an answer to confirm it.
"She's ours...isn't she?" his voice quivered as he spoke to the mirror. "Our daughter...yours and mine."
The woman in the mirror nodded back at him, her loose, copper curls bouncing softly with the movement of her head, that radiant smile so full of love. Love for him, more than any other.
Severus felt his eyes begin to burn at the fantasy before him, knowing that this wasn't real, that it could never be real. He could never deserve something so wonderful in his life, but he still couldn't look away. Curious to see what would happen, he slowly reached his hand out to touch the mirror, to gently prod the cheek of the baby in reflection-Lily's arms.
The touch on the child's squishy cheek caused her to stir, as real and convincingly as any true person would. Wiggling her tiny arms and legs with a sleepy yawn, she opened her eyelids with to reveal those perfect, almond-shaped green eyes.
Severus had spent hours during the previous night wondering what the little one's eyes looked like, and while he had a strong feeling that they might be Lily's, seeing them open and looking up at him still left him unprepared for what felt like the direct hit of a Stunning Spell to the chest.
He held out his pale finger in such a way that the reflection-child could notice it, and as his instincts told him, he watched as the baby reached for the finger of his reflection and gently curled her small, trusting hand around it.
The fact that Severus couldn't feel the child's soft skin against his own left a hollowness within him as he looked back up at the smiling face of Lily. He had only one question left for her.
"Are you happy?" he choked out, his breaths brief and ragged as he felt the burning of the tears in his eyes as he wept for a child that was not real. A loving wife that was not his to have.
Of course, the beautiful woman in the mirror nodded once more. As if this reflection-Lily would ever deny Severus. Why would she? She had literally been plucked from the dreams he had as a teenager, fantasies that he had long forgotten. Her eyes were moist with unshed tears of joy as she leaned her head onto the shoulder of his own reflection. Again, the phantom touch remained unfelt, leaving nothing but longing for the warmth and fulfillment it might bring him. Simple, loving gestures that could fool Severus into thinking that he had any true value to her.
"Never will the day come when someone like you could possibly make Lily into this happy, gorgeous woman." he thought bitterly to himself as he turned away from the magnetic pull of the mirror at long last.
"That honor will be James Potter's once again. But as long as she lives...and she is happy. That's all that matters."
Thanks to his astute sense of time combined with his knowledge of student habits, Severus knew the perfect time to wander down to the Great Hall for a quick meal with as few students present as possible. Add to that the fact that it was also a weekend meant that so many of the students and even some of the staff had journeyed to Hogsmeade for the day. Hogwarts, mercifully, would be mostly quiet.
There was plenty of room for him to sit at the end of the Slytherin table to avoid being bothered, though house assignments only truly mattered during opening and closing ceremonies of the school year. Ever the minimalist, he envisioned a simple breakfast of seared, sliced ham mixed with scrambled eggs for nutrients and protein, choosing to wash it down with a cup of black coffee.
Acknowledging his cravings, the house elves minding the kitchen immediately materialized his meal of choice before his eyes. It truly didn't matter whether he was a student or a teacher; Hogwarts was a place that always seemed to sense his desires.
"Severus? Is that you?" a honeyed, singsong voice called from further down on the adjacent Ravenclaw table. Before he could protest, Pandora Whittle sat across from him, with naught but a spoon and a bowl filled with chocolate pudding. Her wavy, blonde hair lined her facial features quite elegantly, giving him a full view of her pale eyes and that seemingly permanent grin.
"Hello, Pandora…" Severus muttered as politely as he could to the third-year girl. "I see that you got the pudding you were craving yesterday."
"And I see that something wonderful has happened to you. Or has your head simply been infested by Wrackspurts?" she responded in the cryptic way he had come to accept.
"Wrack...spurts?" he asked, not hiding his confusion.
"Nevermind that for now, Severus. Your aura!" Pandora said with excitement.
"Finally back to its normal, boring gray color that you spoke of?" Severus snorted.
"Not at all! There's still quite a bit of purple radiating from you, but there's something else as well!"
After an awkward pause where the younger girl looked at him, her silver eyes wide in wonder, Severus cleared his throat.
"Well? Would you be so kind as to elucidate for me?" he asked with a hint of annoyance.
"Oh yes. Sorry." Pandora's cheeks reddened as his voice broke her daydreaming. "The color just reminds me of my childhood home near the forest. Before my father disappeared and Mum moved us to Yorkshire."
Severus had taken note of the peculiar girl's muddled accent before, but this was the first time to organically bring it up in conversation.
"You were born in Ireland, weren't you?" he deduced from the odd cadence in her voice.
"I was! And they call it the emerald isle for a reason. Lots of hills and endless forests. Pretty and green…" the girl muttered with nostalgia.
Green…
"So is that the other color you see in my aura?" Severus asked, trying to hide the shaking in his voice.
"Mm-hm!" Pandora nodded. "But I prefer the language of the fairies for that one."
"Fairies? Didn't you tell me that fairies took your father when you were younger and you never saw him again?"
"They did. Is there something wrong with that?" she asked with a tilt of her head.
Severus was beside himself. How could Pandora be so casual about something that should have been a traumatizing and painful subject for her? Why did she still speak of fairies with such fondness? What manner of dark spell could they have used to bewitch this girl into accepting such pain?
"You don't hate them for taking your father away?"
"Why would I? That would be like hating wolves who hunt. Fairies aren't malevolent creatures, they just act to their own whims and amusement. It's their nature, Severus.
"And their home in the forest is exceptionally pretty." she added. "I don't know much of the fairy language, but I do know that every forest on Earth has a special path that leads to their homeland. They're all connected by fairy magic, and it's a place where children like us go in our dreams. It's the Ocean of Green, as they call it. Or...if you prefer to say it in their language, Okeano Viridi."
Pandora pointed a finger at him, her smile widening. "That's the color that I see clashing against the amethyst of your sorrows. Viridi. And it's such a beautiful shade, too."
Severus' eyes lowered, his lips trembling at the Ravenclaw girl's revelation to him. "Green...Viridi…" he muttered. "And may I ask what that color is supposed to represent?"
"It means desire. Yearning. The essence of our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I suppose you might say that's why Slytherin, the house of ambition, is primarily a green color, though I'm not sure if the founders of Hogwarts could see auras like I can. Probably just a coincidence."
Snape's steely, black eyes softened as the girl's soothing voice finished her explanation, taking a deep breath in and nodding slightly in understanding.
"Thank you...Pandora." he whispered to the girl in honest gratitude.
With thirty minutes to go until Lily's requested study period, the Slytherin boy entered his former classroom, seeing the ghosts of students he had taught, many of whom had yet to be born in this era, lined across the empty tables. It was his first time in decades entering the dungeon chamber not as its Potions Master.
As he began organizing the ingredients from Slughorn's stores, Severus was reminded that as his two best students in Potions class, the portly, old wizard had given both him and Lily carte blanche over any projects or experimental brewing that they wished in their free time. It really had been out of character for a man so concerned with his own status and finances that he frequently filched ingredients and leaves from Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
No sooner than he had arranged the porcupine quills that would be essential for the Draught of Peace was Severus joined by a surprisingly early arrival.
"Sev! You remembered!" Lily gasped in obvious surprise.
Did she really have so little faith in his ability to keep a promise that he couldn't remember something from just two days ago?
"Naturally. And I see that you both showed up a few minutes early." he nodded, tearing his eyes away from Lily before regarding Mary for the first time. Where had he seen her before? Blue eyes, brown hair, a nervous but polite demeanor. This girl had existed somewhere in his memories, but he wasn't certain of where.
Once Lily went through the formal introduction and Mary extended her hand to him, it triggered images of his pitiful, sobbing form in front of the Fat Lady's Portrait guarding the Gryffindor common room. He remembered the disgust on her face, her hand held in front of him so as to keep him at arm's length from his obvious desperation and need to see Lily. How she only obliged his request upon threatening to sleep in front of the Portrait all night.
The second half of his worst memory…and his embarrassment at being reduced to a miserable little worm with no mind for how ridiculously childish he looked.
After a moment of pause, Severus shook it off before extending his own hand to complete the social etiquette of shaking hands. One of the few positive things he took from his prior life's friendship with Lucius Malfoy was the expectation of conducting oneself accordingly. "It's good to meet you." he responded politely.
As the chocolate-haired Muggle-born gave her rather excessive thanks to him, Severus couldn't help but turn his gaze back to Lily, that red hair shining from the light of the torch flames and lanterns that illuminated the chilly and dark Potions classroom. Of course, those emerald eyes twinkled back at him in curiosity, chasing away the shadows of longing that had been haunting him ever since he last looked into that mirror. It warmed him...comforted him, and for a split-second, Severus silently answered Lily's curious expression with a thin smile.
Immediately, Snape realized his body's betrayal and buried that smile back under his usual, no-nonsense persona of Severus Snape, Potions Master.
Turning away from Lily for fear that her eyes would trap him much in the same way as her doppelganger in the mirror's reflection, Severus approached the blackboard and began to share his boundless knowledge of Potions. His processes and ingredient quantities were far better and more effective than any textbook that had been published. And thanks to having access to Professor Slughorn's stores, and more importantly, his relatively expensive copper cauldron, teaching the brewing process would be far more rapid than it was for the standard pewter one that most students came to Hogwarts with.
Over the course of two hours, the students went through the motions described on the blackboard, allowing Mary to step in frequently so as to get the proper timing of when to stir, when to let the brew rest, when to intensify or weaken the heat, and when to add the extra porcupine quills to the draught so as to intensify its potency.
It was clear that Mary was struggling at first to keep up with the precision of Severus' explanation, but upon seeing her intimidated and confused expression, he was reminded of something a long time ago. It was when Lily was hopelessly lost in the brewing process and looking to him for guidance and elaboration during one of their first Potions classes together.
And rather than sneer or berate the girl as he had done so many students in his adult life, the boy tried his best to think of a way to help Lily understand…
"Have you ever prepared a stew with your parents before? Knowing when to let the broth boil and reduce? Or perhaps baked anything that requires attention at the right times so that it comes out perfectly and not an unusable, soupy mess?"
As it had done with Lily in first year, Severus could see the invisible key turning and unlocking the door in Mary's mind. And from that point on, he could see the recognition and understanding of the process. Embarrassingly, there had even been a point during the final minutes of brewing the Draught of Peace that Severus had gotten distracted by Lily again, and with her instincts guiding her, Mary lowered the heat of the flame just enough to avoid a messy catastrophe.
Looking at the silvery substance in satisfaction, Severus removed the cauldron from its position and set it down upon the table for both girls to see.
"And that's a perfect Draught of Peace, Mary!" Lily beamed at her fellow Gryffindor witch before looking back up at Severus. "Kind of resembles the silver of a Patronus Charm...wouldn't you agree, Sev?"
The boy felt his cheeks warm as Lily referenced their conversation from the previous day in the Hospital Wing, happy that Mary was preoccupied by the shimmering liquid.
"Exactly, Lily." he answered.
"And what, pray tell, is going on here?" said a voice from the entrance of the lab, startling all three of its occupants to look at the new arrival.
Another ghost of Severus' past stared back at him, arms folded in disapproval.
"Bringing Mudbloods into the dungeons, Snape?" Evan Rosier said with a sneer. "I thought you'd know better than to let them scurry about our territory like rats."
The excitement of the two Muggle-born witches immediately deflated at the arrival of the gang of Slytherins that Rosier led around. Mary, in particular, seemed petrified at the sight of Linus Mulciber, the larger brute of the group, though Severus could not recall why.
"Off with you!" Lily spat, standing protectively in front of Mary. "We've done no wrong by being down here and we have Professor Slughorn's permission to take time in the lab when it's not in use for class."
"But you don't have our permission, little dove." Rosier stepped forward, smirking at Lily as he batted away a stray lock of blonde hair away from his eyes. "Two of our parents serve Hogwarts faithfully on the board of governors, and I'm not so sure of the merit in using precious school materials and rooms for...your ilk. I think you have a much better use, wouldn't you agree Miss Macdonald?"
Mary's eyes widened in a panic at Rosier's accusation, and Severus recognized the onset of a panic attack at whatever the unwelcome Slytherin boy was referring to.
"Too right." Mulciber added in his menacing, husky voice as he looked down at Mary's wilting form. "Good of you to bring them down here, Snape. Dirty blood or not, they're both very pretty. How about another kiss, Mary-love? For old time's sake?"
Ever the spineless clown that Severus remembered, Jacob Avery snickered at Mulciber's comment, always tagging along with the two much more dangerous wizards as insurance and hanging on their every word in amusement.
"You have a lot of bloody nerve bragging about that!" Lily hissed, drawing her wand.
"Whatever do you mean, Mudblood?" Mulciber chuckled. "My wand was checked, remember? No spell history or traces of the Imperius Curse. Don't you think it's time to stop telling lies about me and just accept that your friend wanted to whore herself out to half of the school?"
"Right." Severus thought grimly as he recalled the incident, triggered by the sight of the brown-haired girl shuddering and sobbing against the obvious lies of his former Death Eater colleague. Mulciber had a particular talent for the Imperius Curse, and during fourth year, he had placed Mary under his power, forcing her to strip to her underwear and debase herself by making out with every male student that set foot in the dungeons for at least two hours while Potions was in session.
After getting bored by the humiliating sight, Avery, Rosier, and even Mulciber himself decided to test the limits of the spell by stepping in front of Mary while he had her under his thrall, just to see if she would continue to obey. Needless to say, all three of the evil boys had been snogged silly by the bewitched girl, with her mind wiped clean of all memories moments later once they released her from the spell.
Severus didn't know how he had ever been okay with this kind of disgusting behavior, and it just added to the shame that he felt as he gave Mary one last look of pity. The fact that she had been Sirius Black's girlfriend was no excuse for such horror on an otherwise innocent girl.
He hated this feeling, watching as his fellow Slytherin boys took joy in Mary's trauma. If only his magic weren't locked away and unpredictable thanks to whatever Dumbledore had done to him, this situation would never have gotten so horrible for either girl.
"Snape, I don't like the way your Mudblood is looking at me. What say you be a good bloke and help her become as pleasant as her friend was that day? You didn't get to have any fun with Macdonald, but I think you'd make an exception for Evans, wouldn't you?" he said, giving Severus a knowing eye.
The reborn boy glared daggers at Rosier, feeling the dam beginning to falter against a surging wave of anger for daring to suggest something so repulsive and evil. To turn Lily into his own personal pet like Voldemort must have considered he wanted the day he had begged for her to be spared. If innocents like Lily and Mary weren't here, if his bloody magic would allow it, he'd blow open the walls of the dungeons and drown them all under the waters of the lake.
But before he could even attempt to utter a word, Lily pointed her wand at all three Slytherin wizards and shouted with righteous fury. "Langlock!"
The change in power dynamic was immediate as Rosier, Avery, and Mulciber all noticed that they could no longer speak, their tongues rooted to the top of their mouths. A brief smile teased Severus' lips again, watching with pride as Lily silenced all of them with a spell that he created.
As she walked up to Rosier, Lily delivered a quick right cross to the despicable boy's cheek, staggering him. "What's the matter? Too sophisticated to fight like my 'filthy, Muggle father' could? Do it, Rosier. Go ahead. Imperius me yourself, because Sev sure as hell won't. Give us a reason to get you expelled and chucked out of our lives forever, you loathsome prick!"
Severus kept his eyes locked on the scene, determined to step in however he could if any of the Slytherin gang decided to so much as raise their wand towards the redheaded witch. Another accidental explosion would be preferable to watching Lily be placed under the influence of any of these foul cretins. Though a part of him wondered if his childhood friend was fiery and strong-willed enough to throw off the entrancing veil of obedience promised by the Imperius Curse, it wasn't a theory that he was willing to test. None of their vile curses would ever disgrace Lily.
Rosier glared at the defiant Muggle-born girl silently, his gray eyes wide and furious at his inability to respond. His left cheek, where Lily had brazenly struck him, was already beginning to swell and turn red before he turned on his heel and led his gang out of the classroom, leaving all three of them alone at last.
"Mary...it's okay. They're gone." Lily whispered to her friend as she knelt beside the crying girl, wrapping her arms in a protective embrace.
Severus breathed a sigh of relief at Rosier, Avery and Mulciber's departure, the pit in his stomach widened again. Never before had he felt so useless as he watched the tense scene unfold. And while everything had turned out alright, seeing his beloved friend defending, comforting, and fighting for another so valiantly only reinforced what he already knew. The gorgeous, smiling reflection-Lily in his room was not one he ever deserved to have.
That night, Severus once again stared longingly at her, his eyes tracing her magnificent form from head to toe as he memorized every detail. The baby, awake and calm in her mother's arms, looked up at him with the wide-eyed curiosity that only an innocent child could give.
"What's her name..?" he asked her in a quiet sob, knowing that he couldn't look at this mirror much longer without going mad. But he had to know...what was the baby's name? What had been the name of a daughter...a child from the union between him and Lily that could never be?
The reflection-Lily's smile continued to torture him as she looked down with love and protection for the little one. After a moment, her green eyes, which she had passed down to their beautiful baby girl, looked back into his own, his vision distorted with tears.
The image spoke, and again no sound came out, but he recognized the movement of her lips.
"Viridi." said the proud mother silently.
Recognizing the pretty name of the color permanently etched into his soul, Severus dropped to the floor, his heart breaking as he looked up into the baby's eyes.
The reflection-Lily carefully held out the child, offering to let Severus hold his imaginary daughter as his hands reached out to the reflection, watching as the little girl adjusted herself in his embrace, kicking her small legs against him.
He held little Viridi in his arms...but he could not feel her. Could not feel her weight, could not feel the warmth of her body against his own. Could not even look into her tiny, green eyes without the mirror's reflection to help him.
Severus Snape could take no more as he turned away from the enchanted mirror, away from that fantasy, knowing that further exposure served no purpose to his goal of keeping the true Lily alive.
"That's right. Good." a voice pierced the silence.
Severus' gaze looked up into the blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore, realizing that the old wizard had been watching him.
"I see you have made your choice, Severus. The one I expected that you would make." Dumbledore said in that calm, all-knowing manner.
His eyes sore from a lifetime of tears shed in a single day, the boy shakily got back to his feet, looking up at Dumbledore. Before he could tell off the meddling sorcerer for the cruelty he had shown by placing this mirror in his room, the Headmaster spoke first.
"I believe it's time for us to talk, Severus. But first, let me congratulate you for the strength and resolve you've shown today. By the time I was able to see fact from the fiction the mirror offered, I was already an old man."
"Have you no shame..?!" Severus spat, his black eyes wide with rage.
"I'll explain everything in my office, Severus. No more secrets. No more half-truths. You've demonstrated how unbreakable you truly are, and I intend to reward you in kind."
Author's Note: This was an incredibly difficult chapter to write for a variety of reasons. As a man who has unrealized dreams of fatherhood myself, I wanted Sev's interaction with little Viridi to be as tender, but as heart-wrenching as possible. The desires that the Mirror has revealed to Severus have accomplished their purpose, lighting the flame of desire, dreams, and aspirations that had long been snuffed out by the tragedy of his first life. Not all aspirations are as materialistic as the wealth and power sought by many of the more aristocratic Slytherins. Some of us just yearn for happiness and a family to soothe the aches of our life. As twisted as this might seem at first glance, Dumbledore did have a purpose in showing Severus his heart's desire.
I also apologize if the interactions between the two groups of students in the Potions classroom came off as particularly unsettling. Poor Mary can't catch a break, but thankfully Lily is there to protect her friend. It's a good thing that as a smart and clever Prefect, Lily did what was necessary to de-escalate the situation as best as possible, though one wonders what the fallout might be from this. Is Lily as resistant to the Imperius Curse as Sev hopes? Good thing we didn't have to find out, because if Rosier, Avery, or Mulciber have tried something stupid before Lily locked their mouths, Severus' unstable magic might have proven to be quite disastrous.
It's also finally time for the second round of Severus and Dumbledore's conversation, and now that he has shown how devoted to his goals he truly is, perhaps Sev might have earned a more forthcoming explanation from Albus?
As always, thank you so much for reading