Disclaimer: Stargate and its characters don't belong to me. This
story has been written for fun only, not for money.
Spoilers: Affinity, anything with Pete in it, Season 8 mainly.
Summary: "I wouldn't be here" –Jack O'Neill, Affinity.
Rating: General
Feedback: I always love to have feedbacks on my work so I can improve
my writing. Any advice, constructive comments and suggestions are
welcomed. Thanks!
Posting: If you want to put my story on your site, please just e-mail me to let me know!
NB. I found this on my computer, after a few years…thought I'd post it!
NB. 2016 UPDATE: Just a few tweeks here and there!
Enjoy your reading!
"Where Would you be, then?"
By Musical-Aven
"What about you? If things had been different…" Sam stopped herself as soon as she realized what she was about to say.
Why was she pushing him? She had Pete now! But then, Samantha Carter realized what she needed so badly to finally accept the ring: closure. She needed to know what Jack was feeling to move on and let go of him. As she said on the Prometheus to her unconscious Jack: «I'd let go right now if I knew». Sam looked up in Jack's eyes to make him understand.
He looked back for a moment and tried to find the right words to say. Jack knew that she was at a point in her life where she questioned her choices and priorities in her life and that, whatever he was about to say would influence her decision concerning the engagement. He felt he didn't have the right to tell her to wait for him or tell her not to accept the ring just because he was a selfish man. He then thought about what she had said: «if things were different…». He came up with an answer that would be both true and that would leave the decision to her.
"I wouldn't be here." He replied softly.
They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Sam tried to read Jack's thoughts and tried to understand the meaning of his answer. Meanwhile, Jack tried to control his emotions. When Jack lowered his eyes, Sam felt lost. Finally, before she could stop herself, Sam hesitantly asked:
"Where would you be then?"
Jack was stunned by Sam's question.
«- Wh-What?»
Sam swallowed and failed miserably to control the shaking in her voice when she hesitantly asked again:
"Where would you be, if things were different?"
Jack swallowed and thought of something to say. Preferably something very sarcastic, that was his only safe exit out of this dangerous conversation. But he realized that it wasn't an option when he saw Sam's hopeful eyes staring at him. He exhaled slowly, silently asking her if she really wanted an answer to that. They both knew how dangerous this conversation was but when Sam held his gaze, he looked down and murmured:
"I…would probably…be home…retired…taking care of little Murray, little Daniel and little Olivia…"
Sam looked at him with a surprised and confused look on her face. Jack just shrugged and replied to her unspoken question.
"I heard you liked the name…"
" How-"
"Don't ask. It doesn't matter anyway." Jack gently replied.
Carter nodded and silently encouraged him to continue. And so, Jack carried on.
"And I'd be home worrying sick about you…because the field is not a place for a pregnant woman…"
Jack didn't look at her for a long moment and silence filled the room. Sam couldn't speak. She was shocked by what her CO just revealed to her: his idea of their life together. She was speechless as she saw the picture of their family Jack had just described. After what seemed like hours, Sam finally spoke quietly:
"Four kids?"
Jack's eyes met hers and he seemed relieved by her reply. A small smile appeared on his lips and he shrugged.
"What, it's not enough? I'm an old man, Carter." He said jokingly, bending on his elbows on the table between them.
Sam smiled one of her thousand-kilowatts smile. The tension seemed to be a little bit released.
"That's not what I meant…I just…I mean, I find it hard to picture myself with *one* child, four is just-"
"Unattainable?" Jack sadly suggested.
Not that he let the sadness appear in his voice, but Sam knew he was disappointed. Hearing his question, Sam was brought back on the Prometheus once again, reliving her conversation with her hallucination.
"As long as I set my sight on what I think is unattainable, there's no chance of being hurt by some else".
She thought about Jack as unattainable, but the truth was that she was *making* him unattainable. She could have him if she wanted- and god knows how much she wanted him- all she had to do was either wait for a time when they would be allowed to start something, screw the regs or resign her commission. She *could* have him, but sacrifices needed to be made. Looking up at him, she finished her sentence.
"Wonderful."
Jack held her gaze for a moment and looked down as a heavy silence followed. Jack decided that this was a good time to leave, before the conversation went too far. Blaming paperwork to escape from the conversation, he stood up to leave. But Sam stopped him as she asked quietly:
"What about the fourth?"
Seeing the confusion on his face, she explained:
"His name?"
He stood still, almost at the doorway.
"How do you know it's a boy?" Jack asked carefully, curious and surprised she was pushing him into this dangerous territory.
" I just do." She shrugged.
Jack seemed to consider his answer.
"No name yet." he said, holding her gaze.
Sam nodded and after a moment, she spoke again.
"What do you think about Charlie?"
Jack was speechless. When he finally found his voice, he said:
"I don't want you to feel pressured about this…."
"You don't. I like the name. And it's easy to imagine calling your son Charlie." She smiled shyly.
Jack was grateful but didn't reply. As the silence fell, they both realized that this wasn't reality. Both of their smiles faded and brown eyes searched blue ones. Sam sighed and put her head in her hands.
"God, what did we do?"
Jack closed his eyes and fought to control his emotions. He tried to see the bright side and said:
"If we had all that, you wouldn't have Pete."
Suddenly Sam looked up and felt guilty about not even have thought about her present life with Pete. It didn't even come up in the back of her head. Answering as if it was the simplest thing in the universe, she said:
"But I would have you...and your children…"
"Would that really be better?" Jack asked.
Sam looked surprised and Jack clarified his point.
"I mean, right now, we can work together, you have someone to go home to, a great career, don't have too much trouble with the Universe-"
"No kids, no cabin, no pond, no fishing…" Sam finished without looking at him.
Jack stopped breathing and made sure he had really heard what he thought he did. Confused, he said:
"I thought you didn't like fishing!"
Sam looked up at him for a moment before setting her gaze on the table between them and answered quietly:
"That doesn't mean I don't picture my husband teaching our kids how to fish during the summer…"
Jack was even more surprised. She had pictured him fishing with their kids at his cabin? Feelings of regret, pain and unease went trough his body.
"Alright, we messed up everything." He exhaled.
Neither of them looked at the other. The picture of their life together made them realize what they had missed out by letting the rules stand in their way. Sam closed her eyes and sighed:
"I'm so tired…"
Jack took the opportunity to close the awkward and dangerous conversation. Leaving would be his best move right now.
"I'll leave you alone. Get some rest, Carter."
As he turned to leave the lab, Sam spoke firmly.
"No, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of suppressing my feelings for you. Tired of pretending to be head over heals for my fiancé when I'm not. I'm tired of waiting, Jack…" she said, looking directly in his eyes.
Jack approached her and put his hands on the counter between them.
"I thought you were finished with the wait a long time ago." He said quietly.
"I tried…tried to move on…but it always came down to you." She finished, tears in her eyes.
Jack sighed of relief and sadness. Her feelings hadn't changed. But they still couldn't start anything before he had resigned. And that's what he was going to do.
"What do you think about Mr. Jack O'Neill as the head of the SGC?" he asked.
Sam looked up at once.
"No way, I'm not letting you resign your commission!" Sam said seriously.
"Sam, it would be the best outcome. We both keep our job and there's no regs between us."
"But your career-"
"My career is at the end, Sam. I resigned before and they came back to get me. They won't get rid of me because I'm not in the military anymore."
Sam took a few moments to consider his offer and finally sighed.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" he simply said. "Don't you want it all, Sam? The kids, the cabin, the fishing?"
Sam didn't hesitate before answering.
"Yes, of course. But we're not even sure it'll work out that way! I mean, I don't know if I can have kids because of Jolinar and all the stuff we put our bodies trough, and-"
Sam's babbling was cut by Jack's mouth on hers. Sam sighed against his mouth and got caught in the kiss. When they needed air, Jack broke the kiss but stayed close to her.
"Don't you want this, Sam?" he whispered.
"Yes…" Sam replied quietly.
"Do you love me?"
She looked at him for a moment and smiled.
"Yes, more than words can say."
"Then this will work." Jack said seriously.
Sam smiled and nodded. Jack kissed her lightly and began to make his way towards the door.
"Now, I have to go work on my letter of resignation." He said with his fabulous smile.
Sam nodded and smiled back; a little sad that he had to sacrifice something that was a big part of his life. As Jack reached the door, he turned and asked:
"What color?"
A questioned look appeared on Sam's face. He clarified his question.
"The kitchen?"
Sam then smiled and felt excitement at her the beginning of her new life with Jack O'Neill.
"As long as it's not yellow, I'm good."
"Got a problem with yellow kitchen, Carter?" he asked with a curious smile on his lips.
"Don't ask."
As Jack's expression got more curious, Sam's smile got wider. Jack leaned onto the doorframe and said:
"I'll find out, you know."
Sam smiled. She wouldn't give in under *that* argument.
"Not from me!"
A challenge, huh? That's why he loved her.
"We'll see. I think I can find some major arguments you won't be able to resist to." He winked.
"What kind of arguments?" she asked, faking innocence.
A satisfied and cocky smile appeared on Jack's lips.
"Oh, you'll see."
As the sparkling in her eyes got brighter, she replied:
"Can't wait."
Oh yeah, the time to write that letter of resignation would make history!
The end
Hope you liked it!
Musical-aven, 2010