CHAPTER FIVE

3x17 In Heat

Emily knew. They all did - for months now. She had even made peace with it. Or so she thought. Apparently not.

Because when she saw her kiss Will something cracked inside of her. It didn't break - but it definitely cracked a little. Something about seeing them right in front of her made it different. Made it real. But still, she didn't hate Will. How could she? He made JJ happy. She could be jealous of him. And she was. She just didn't know in what way she was jealous. It was a kind of jealousy that felt different than any other she'd felt before. It was more like a deep longing. And beyond that - a deep sadness. An life-altering sadness. Like her world had been forever shifted and she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to reorient herself.

She had been teasing JJ. A masochistic self-defense mechanism of sorts.

"You should go for him," Emily said when she'd caught JJ staring at Will. It was so obvious to everyone else that they were already dating, it was almost comical. She just wanted JJ to finally admit it. It hurt Emily's feelings that JJ didn't tell her.

"What?"

"You two would make a cute couple," Emily continued. And it wasn't until JJ had walked straight over to Will that Emily felt the twinge of pain. She wasn't sure what she felt for JJ. And this wasn't making it any easier for her to figure it out.

Morgan and Reid sauntered up behind her, "Well, finally!" Derek said with a smile.

"Thought she was never gonna admit it," Emily muttered, finally breaking away.

She liked Will. Loved him, even. They had been in a long distance relationship for months now. And JJ was scared by how much she felt for him. He made her laugh - made her happy. Will said everything she needed to hear. He opened doors for her, and told her she looked beautiful. He never made her wait and he always called exactly when he promised he would. He was a good man. He was charming and endearing and good. Through and through. They were happy. They were fine. She was perfectly fine.

So, why the hell did she feel guilty kissing him?

This was the first time she'd ever felt this way with him. She deepened the kiss hoping that would bury the feeling. Guilt wasn't what she had expected. Because that feeling of guilt… it made her forget that Will made her laugh - that he made her happy. It made her forget that he held doors for her, and was charming and endearing and good. Because the only thing she could think about were the eyes watching her. She couldn't explain why, but it felt like she was letting Emily down. Like she was betraying her. Her eyes burned in her mind.

JJ pulled away quickly. It hit her like a tidal wave. Oh my God…

"JJ? What? What's wrong?" Will was confused. She couldn't blame him. She was sending the definition of mixed signals right now. She quickly looked back at where Emily had been standing but she was gone. JJ turned back to the confused and slightly hurt face of Will.

"Will…"

"Now wait - hang on a second… what just happened?" She watched his eyes flicker over to where JJ had looked for Emily. And then the realization crossed his face. He dropped his jaw slightly and took a step away from her. "Where's your mind at JJ?"

JJ had no way to answer him, "I - I don't -"

"You're not ashamed of me..." he started slowly. He was beginning to retreat and JJ fought the urge to pull him in again. "Are you happy with me?"

"Yes," she whispered. And it was the truth. Will did make her happy. That's why this was so confusing.

There was a long moment of silence. Will stared at the floor, like he was trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime he whispered, "Who do you think about when you're with me?"

JJ said nothing. How could she? Never before today did she think about anyone else when she was with Will. But it would be a lie to tell him it was only him. Because, as of a few minutes ago, it wasn't only him.

"She's the one," he said after it was clear JJ wasn't going to answer him. "- that you think about…"

Yes, she was the one JJ had briefly thought about. But that didn't mean anything. Will was the one she had been dating for months. Not Emily. Will.

"I -"

"It wasn't a question, JJ," he whispered. He wasn't mad. He was broken.

JJ felt her heart break and tears escape her eyes. She didn't want to hurt Will. He was good - the good choice. The safe choice. The choice that no one would ever question. Hell - he was probably the better choice. But…

"She's the one," he said again.

Then JJ understood his meaning. Was he actually suggesting that she was meant to be with Emily Prentiss? The one? That was absolutely insane. Will was just hurt. JJ wasn't breaking up with him for Emily. She had never really put much thought into if she even felt that way about her. Why would she? Emily was her friend. And yet, JJ made no attempt to correct him. She made no attempt to stop him when he told her to take care of herself - to stop him from walking out the door. For whatever it was worth, JJ made no attempt.

Once she collected herself, she walked back into the main squad room. All she wanted to do was escape to her office without running into anyone. Especially Emily. If Emily saw her face, she would ask what was wrong, and JJ knew she couldn't tell her. But to her surprise Emily was nowhere to be found. Reid, Rossi, and Morgan were laughing on the far end of the room at a story that Penelope was telling them, and Hotch was bent over his usual mountain of paperwork, but Emily was gone.

It wasn't until JJ was stepping into her office that she caught a glimpse of dark hair out of the corner of her eye. She stopped in her tracks - lingering in the doorway of her office. There she was - entering the elevator, purse over her shoulder. She turned and pressed the button to go down and then her eyes flickered up and instantly locked with JJ's. It was as if Emily had known JJ was there, watching her, the whole time. JJ's breath hitched, but it wasn't long before the elevator doors closed and Emily was gone. Again.