Time to see what Evilena has to say about Christian's newfound inspiration in life.
lV
I told Steel about my affair with Elena. Suddenly, it was all out there. My truth in words, floating into the ethers of the universe and most of all, living in a stranger's mind and I couldn't take them back. It feels much scarier than when I tell a therapist who I'm paying to listen to me and has a clinical response. When I had told Flynn about it, he immediately used words like abuse, inappropriate and consent. It put me off and the more I pushed, the less I saw him till I got busy with work and whatever current submissive I had at the time. A faceless body with attributes that turned me on bore the brunt of my aggressive demons.
"And before you say, it's abuse, know that I fully consented to this." I add. "I wanted it."
"I see." She replies, "how old were you?"
I sigh, "15 but I knew what I was getting into."
"Do you really consider this woman your friend, to this day?" She asks. Her voice is building up to something, it's slowly going from soft and light to hard and distant and a sense of panic starts to set in.
"Of course. She's the only one that knows me… that understands me. She wants the best for me. Always has."
"What do your parents think of the nature of this friendship?"
Christ, what a ridiculous question. Of course they don't know and I relay that information to her.
"If this were a true friendship, it should be celebrated, don't you think?"
"You're being ridiculous."
"I'm being absolutely serious, Grey."
I scoff, "no one would understand and they would all judge us."
"Let me guess, this woman has been telling you that the world will never understand you and that this has to be a secret otherwise they'll send you to some place far away or worse, disown you?"
Yes. Fuck!
"No," I growl. "You don't understand. No one does. She saved me." I tell her. Fuck this, no one will ever understand. Elena put her marriage on the line and got beat to a pulp because of me. Sure, what we had wasn't conventional but the ends justified the means.
"She saved you or caged you?" Her reply is sharp and quick. "There's a reason why you didn't call her in your time of distress. Because she is the source of it. Deep down you know she would dismiss these feelings as weakness when you've shown incredible strength in calling me tonight, Grey." I hear her sigh and I half wonder if she gets this emotionally invested in other callers too. Her passion is evident and I almost want to tell her she's wasting her breath or maybe I should hang up. "That's what abusers do, they don't want you to think or feel for yourself, only what they deem as acceptable."
"Elena," I greet her when she walks into the foyer. I barely manage a smile but I can't suddenly seem like I'm in good spirits. She's dressed in her usual skin tight, all black subtle dominatrix attire, baring cleavage and with her hair and makeup all pristine as usual. If her cheekbones get any higher or sharper, they might be enough to cut glass. Her face is now so full of botox it's akin to a sledgehammer. "Well, well, still a sourpuss I see." She chuckles and takes an envelope out of her designer bag. "Here, I brought you some new prospects. They're slightly older and therefore seasoned submissives. Bonafide pain sluts. I can attest to it" She smirks, "for whatever you've got going on, just take it out on them and you'll be good as new in no time."
I've been avoiding Elena for the past two weeks while I got my affairs in order. I had Welch and Taylor put eyes on her and found out that she currently has three young boys ranging from the age of 14-17 on rotation throughout the week as submissives. She obviously lied to me. I'm not jealous that I wasn't special, I'm pissed off that I easily believed her and worse, that it never crossed my mind that she'd ever do something like this with someone else that was young like me.
Her depravity seeped into me. She tried to build me up in her image and it makes me hate myself even more. She said she was testing my limits and I was stubborn enough to endure it but in reality, she was merely acting out her sadistic pleasure and the power it gave her. I thought I was pleasing her when I was merely feeding the beast a full meal every time.
She structured my sex life even when she couldn't be a part of it anymore. Told me I had to offer incentives to keep these women tied to me. I paid Elena in sex when I was younger, and I paid these slew of women to shut up and take whatever I did to them so I could punish a ghost. But you can't punish ghosts because they don't feel anything. No matter how hard I beat a woman or fucked her, my demons only sought to be energized and get stronger.
"She was a crackwhore who was only concerned with getting her next fix." The words are bitter and acidic in my mouth.
"Is that all you know of her?" She asks.
"That's all that matters."
"Please don't think that what I'm about to say is in any way to dismiss your trauma because it was horrific and unwarranted what you went through but perhaps the narrative you know about your birth-mother isn't the narrative that's true."
"How could it not be true? She was addicted to drugs and did nothing to protect me."
"But we don't know what led her to all that. When young people get into drugs, it can be for a variety of reasons; abuse, peer pressure, trauma… you said she was a teen mother."
I exhale roughly and run my hands through my hair. This is getting really heavy.
"Think about what your abuser did to you. It may not have been drugs but it's something worth considering that she taught you something that only suppressed your problems rather than solving them."
"So you're saying I'm like the crack-whore?"
"No, I'm saying, we all go through something that can lead us down a dark path because that temporary high is the only thing that seems to make sense and feel good when we've been feeling hopeless for so long. Some of us are lucky to get help and some of us have no one. It seems like your birth-mother had no one to help her. Women who are forced into sex work are often trapped and scared. Women who choose sex work have agency and protection with them. There's a difference."
"I..I.." My voice catches in my throat, "I've just… these memories are too much."
"Do you remember anything good about her?"
"Very little. Sometimes she'd sing along to music or she would let me brush her hair and smile at me." I remember, "she'd make waffles and bacon sometimes, I really liked that."
"Waffles and bacon… woman after my own heart." Her voice is full of joy. "Grey, we've all got good and not so good parts. We're not perfect but I want to believe, for your sake, that if your birth-mother didn't care for you, then you wouldn't have any good memories of her. What you just shared with me, it tells me that she cared and loved you when she could. It may not have been enough but she did her best."
My team has been gathering evidence. Elena's consistently maintained she only goes to the club to play which isn't entirely untrue but her claims of frequency of attendance are.
Two of the boys are from low income families while the other is from our neighborhood but it seems he's been neglected in the middle of his overworking parents divorce.
"You don't seem interested, you didn't even open the packet," she's offended but not enough to stop scarfing down this expensive wine.
"Elena, are we friends?" I ask.
She throws her head back and laughs, "why of course we are. Honestly, what a silly question, darling."
"That's what I thought," I nod, "I wanted you to be the first to know that I am thinking of trying the traditional dating route."
She chokes on her wine and coughs, trying to catch her breath.
"What?" She shrieks, "Christian, that is a very bad idea. You and I? We're above all the bullshit. We're elevated. All this vanilla stuff is going to keep you from achieving your goals. And let's face it, you have very specific needs, a vanilla relationship will leave you wanting, trust me."
"A true friend, Grey… they want the absolute best for you. They want you to be happy and have multiple people in your life that you can rely on. They don't isolate you. They don't tell you that the world will never understand you, they never remind you of your limitations, they want you to experience all the joys in life. I mean sure, they might pull pranks on you and document all your embarrassing moments so they can roast you during speeches at your wedding but otherwise, a true friend or group of friends, always want to see you laughing and living your life to the fullest."
"I'm not getting married, ever." I mutter.
"Okay then, you can document your friends' embarrassing moments and roast them in a speech on their wedding day."
Elliot immediately comes to mind. I have so much shit on him.
"In that case, my brother is going to regret getting married."
She giggles. I love that sound. "Let me guess, older brother?"
"Yeah."
"Revenge is a dish best served cold and with an audience looking on." She says ominously.
We both laugh.
"I think I need to try it," I take a sip of my wine. "I'm bored of the scene."
"It'll be a mistake." She huffs, "Christian, darling… what's gotten into you?" her voice softens. She can't employ her Domme voice anymore, I'm not her submissive so she's treading lightly. Well that, and the fact that I'm still reviewing her business proposal for some salon chain she wants to open.
"I've been talking to my new therapist, Flynn... and he thinks I need to take this course of action–that it might help with–"
She laughs sarcastically, "An expensive charlatan telling you to do the very opposite that has kept your world in order and made you this successful? If you had gone the traditional route, you'd be an insufferable incel, miserable, on drugs and eventually dead. A complete waste. Don't throw my hard work and sacrifice down the drain like this, Christian."
Her words cut me and I grind my teeth, trying to search for Steel's voice in my memories and grab on to her words like a lifeline.
"Abusers don't encourage discourse. They use harsh language to cut you down and make you doubt yourself. When was the last time you asked a question and she gave you an answer that allowed for a back and forth without shutting you down?" Nothing in recent memory comes to mind because it simply doesn't exist. I don't answer and she too is silent for a few moments, "when was the last time you talked to her like you're talking to me?"
"I've never talked to her like this…"
"Because?"
"Stuff like this was a waste of time in her eyes. She taught me to fuck through whatever I was dealing with."
"Do you think it's helped?"
For a while I thought it did. But the emptiness kept growing, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.
My eyes burn and my voice gets heavy and small. "No."
"It doesn't always have to be this way, Grey." She says softly.
"Why couldn't I be normal?" My words barely get out and clear my throat to rid myself of this burning lump threatening to choke me.
"You're you." Her voice is a balm again, "unique, valid and important to the people you love. It's not about being normal, it's about being your best and authentic self. Besides, all the cool people like you and me are a little left of center and personally, I kinda like it that way."
I chuckle, instantly feeling better.
"I thought you would support me."
"Support you? I can't support you making a mistake. Christian, please open your eyes. That man wants you to try this foolish method that will only get you hurt and keep going back to him." Her voice is rising and incredulous, "you think you'll be able to trust anyone's intentions now that you're almost a billionaire looking for love?" She grimaces and shakes her head before lifting her glass to her lips, "they'll take you for a ride and cheat you out of everything."
"Like you did with Linc?" I smirk, twisting the knife.
"How dare you?" She roars, "Have you forgotten how much I sacrificed for you? You wouldn't be here if I hadn't fucked your brains out and set you straight. GEH wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my taking a chance on you. I gave you what you needed, Christian. Don't you ever forget it."
"And I've paid you back, more than you asked for." I remind her, "not to mention I'm considering this little pet project of yours, so how about you take the Domme down a notch or 15 and talk to me like the civilized woman I know you can be." I assert through clenched teeth and she raises hands in defeat.
"You're right, this is getting out of hand." She sighs, "I don't want to fight with you, darling. We're a great team and I've always got your best interests at heart. Just do me a favor and take a look through the packet I brought. Try out one of the girls and if none of them work out, then I'll personally help you and vet whatever vanilla plaything you end up considering." She reaches over and caresses my hand and it takes every fiber of my being to not pull away and alarm her, "No one knows you like I do, Christian. You can always count on me. I'm always in your corner."
"Abusers will do anything to keep themselves tethered to you. Remember, you are their power source. So even if they seem like they're going along with whatever you want, they're simply mollifying you, doing their best to make sure you actually fail and when you do, they'll be waiting in the shadows with their told-you-so's and negative reinforcements." Steel says, "A true friend will be your first line of defense, not someone who throws your failures in your face. A true friend builds you up, making sure falling is not an option and even if it happens, they break that fall so you don't get hurt."
Elena's always preferred me silent and on my knees and the roles were reversed, she never gave me her true submission. I knew it at the time but it was a necessary evil. I needed the money and she needed to keep her hooks in me. I had an inkling then but I couldn't leave it up to chance in finding another source for the startup money that didn't involve me waiting to complete Harvard. She knew it. I knew it and thus, a deal was struck with the Devil.
"I don't think I'll ever find someone like that," I murmur.
"You've got family, start with them… friends will come into the picture too. Remember, baby steps."
I'd been spending time reacquainting myself with my family. I made sure to answer their messages and calls, in a timely manner and Elliot and I have hung out quite a bit. Mostly it's been him constantly bitching and moaning about his job. He wants to start his own business and I'm thinking that I should give him the startup capital. He's brilliant and has got innovative ideas for the future of construction and design. He's worked his ass off and deserves to see those dreams become a reality. Though, I might shelve that idea if his so called amazing plans for my 23rd birthday next month end up being a disaster.
I love Mia but I don't think I can survive being on the receiving end of girl talk for much longer. That girl has overshares too much and while most of it is funny, it's fucking exhausting. How do women function with so much going on in their minds on a daily basis? I wonder if Steel is like this in normal life. As long as I'd get to hear her again, it'd be worth it.
I keep wondering about her. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've called the hotline every night since then, waiting to see if I'll get connected to her again but no luck so far. I really want to have Welch look into all the crisis centers in the state but I don't have any frame of reference to her. I don't know her name, just what she sounds like.
If only I could have talked to her one more time, it would've somehow made what I'm going through right now a little easier. But who am I kidding, it wouldn't have been enough.
Flynn and I discussed a game plan that involved me telling my parents. He offered to join me but I figured this was something I needed to do on my own. I've been hiding for too long.
He is however on standby tonight should I need him.
There's no real way to gently break it to your parents that their friend sexually abused their already traumatized son in obscene and violent ways, thereby conditioning him into a life of isolation and a form of sex that was not entirely safe and sane even if it was consenual. You simply rip off the band-aid and watch it all crumble.
Mia is at a friend's house while Mom, Dad and Elliot sit before me; shell shocked, mute and eyes fixed staring off into space at what I've told them about Elena.
"W-why didn't you tell me back then? I would've… oh God!" Grace covers her mouth and begins to sob. Elliot rushes to her side and envelopes her in a tight hug as she lets go.
"If and whenever you decide to tell your parents, don't ever think this is your fault because it's not. If they've loved you through the difficult times, they will love and rally around you through this. You were innocent. You did nothing wrong."
"I don't know, Steel."
"This is your truth, you share it when you think the time is right but she must be stopped in some way… before someone else gets hurt."
Dad gets up and walks towards me. His expression is full of grief as he pulls me up into a tight hug. I freeze and hold my breath. I close my eyes and try to breathe through it. I've never let him close like this. He's my father, he should be able to hold his son. It's been 19 years, something's gotta give.
"I'm sorry son. I'm fucking sorry," he whispers heavily. I take small breaths to relax my body but he releases me before I'm at the finish line and can fully return the hug. His eyes don't meet mine when he steps back and clears his throat and discreetly tries to wipe his eyes.
"I'm going to kill that bitch." Grace cries. Both of my parents are cursing. This is… wild. Is it bad that I want to laugh?
"Not before I'm done with her." Elliot clenches his fist. "Dad, we need to do something. She can't get away with this."
"There is legal recourse," he nods, eyes fixed on the floor in concentration. He's thinking, coming up with a game plan as he paces. "The statute of limitations on something like this is in our favor and–"
"I don't want to press charges." They all turn to look at me like I've lost my mind. "I can't have my name associated with this… the fallout will be huge and it will affect all of us." I reason.
"Christian, she needs to pay for what she did." Dad says, "otherwise she'll do this again or think she's beyond reproach. Hell, she already does. The nerve of that woman to walk in and out of our lives, looking us in the eye while she hurt you."
"I agree but I have another plan." When I share all that my security team has uncovered they're shocked and angered again. "We need to convince these kids and their parents to press charges against her."
Mom and Dad nod at my suggestion. I look at Elliot and I see unshed tears in his eyes. He's angry and unable to process it. He probably wants to punch Elena to death before he buries her in concrete. He's fiercely protective and the first up in line for a fight.
"Elena once tried something with me." He mumbles and we slowly turn to him. "It was a long time ago, during the summer soiree's we host. I was 16 and she came up behind me and…" He shakes his head, "She pressed herself against me and tried to touch my crotch. When I turned around and pushed her away, she began to apologize and laugh, slurring her words, claiming she was drunk." I brushed it off, thinking it was just a drunk mistake. I was disgusted and flattered because she was hot. It was stupid but… I should've told you guys, I'm sorry. That way, Christian wouldn't have been spared. I'm sorry, bro. I should've… FUCK!" He shouts, and grabs his hair, closing his eyes in defeat.
"Elliot, this is not your fault." I reassure him. But he's not going to believe it. "If it wasn't you or me, then it would've been someone else. This is all on her. She deceived us all."
These words still seem foreign to me. I idolized Elena, thought she was so fucking strong till the novelty wore off after our encounter with Linc. Then I just felt pity for her and her allure lost its effect. Or maybe, the dark and decay within my mind she took away that color I painted on her.
The only color in my life has been this family that I've refused to see, enjoy and include in my own.
And Steel.
She may have claimed to be a shade of gray like me but she is more.
So much more.
A/N: Time to get rid of the wicked bitch of the pacific north-west. Next chapter will be the last :( Eager to hear what you think!