The 100 Girlfriends Who Really, Really, Really, Really Love You is the creation and intellectual property of Nakamura Rikito, Nozawa Yukiko and Shueisha.
All other characters and franchises mentioned in this story are the intellectual properties of their respective copyright and trademark holders.
"You know that if the Dorm Mother catches us outside this late, she's gonna kill us," Karane groaned as the two girls walked through the cold darkness. Or the dark cold. Pick your poison. It's actually the same, anyway.
Hakari shuddered a little, holding her fists close to her chest and glancing in all directions. Her legs were cold, and she was starting to regret wearing a skirt that short tonight. "Forget the Dorm Mother! Don't you remember what used to happen around here, months ago?"
"I can't say I do," Karane said indifferently. "Anything I should care about?"
"The vampire!" Hakari cried. "A creature who attacked several students in the dead of night, leaving them in the hospital! I know a girl who knew another girl who dated the brother of a girl whose best friend was attacked!"
"That sounds like the telephone game," Karane scoffed at the ridiculous idea of a vampire in Mahora of all places. "I bet you that skank was just bitten by some dog!"
"I hope you are right!" Hakari sighed. "I'd hate to be assaulted in the middle of nowhere by a tall, dark, handsome spawn of the grave, wrapping his arms around me, hugging me tightly, and then sinking his teeth in my flesh, suctioning my body fluids and transforming me into his eternal bride!" She began panting vigorously, with stars in her eyes. "That'd be so exciting, I mean terrifying and hideous!"
"If you're that afraid, which I doubt since you sound about to cream yourself, turn around and hide under your sheets, fingering yourself!" Karane told her. "Geez, you can't even settle for being a coward or a pervert! You have to be both at the same time!"
"What if Aijo-kun is the vampire?" Hakari asked, half scared and half thrilled.
"You're a Twilight fan, aren't you?" Karane said. "I never had a high opinion of you, but I never imagined you could fall so low!"
Hakari frowned and blushed. "How insulting! If you're going to be a Tsundere, you've got to show some dere every once in a while, you know?"
"I'M NOT A TSUNDERE!" Karane roared, and then stopped abruptly, eyes shining as she pointed ahead. "Ah! There he is!"
Rentarou, as a matter of fact, was indeed standing under one of several cherry tress flanking the lonely boulevard, looking at his wristwatch and wondering what was taking the girls so long. The e-mail they'd sent him asking him to come here at this time of the night had seemed rather insistent on punctuality. Then again, maybe the Dorm Mother had caught them while they tried to sneak out. Oh no! Who knew what kind of torture they were undergoing right now, maybe they were being questioned by Nitta while forced to hold full buckets on their heads and sitting seiza!
Rentarou was about to pull an Emiya Shirou and run towards the staff offices to pull a suicide rescue operation on nothing but a confused heart's hunch, when he heard Hakari's beautiful voice, and sweet sweet relief washed over him.
"Aijo-kuuuuuun...!" the girl ran towards him very happily, chest bouncing respectably with each step. She hugged him, and he welcomed the contact with a nervous smile. "Thank God you came after all! Just like you promised...!"
Karane walked to them and mumbled bitterly. "Don't be so glad just yet, numbskull! You're about to be rejected after all!" She glared at Rentarou with oddly reddened eyes. "Right?"
The boy gulped. "Um, you'll see, about that-"
"What, what is it?" Karane demanded, as her breathing quickened and Hakari nuzzled her face against Rentarou's chest.
"I've thought about this a lot, Karane-san," the young man said. "I even consulted a few of... my friends on the subject, and-"
"YOU TOLD OTHERS ABOUT ME?!" Karane cried out, dismayed.
"I didn't mention your names, I only told them that I'd met two lovely girls who were roommates and asked me to choose between them! But, the thing is, things are more complicated than they seem..."
"How are they complicated, you just choose one of us, not that I care since I'll be fine with anything you decide, and then Hanezono walks back home, or she calls a taxi, whatever!" Karane ranted, looking at the edge of a breakdown. "Don't tell us that you still can't decide!"
Hakari stopped rubbing herself against him and asked in a small concerned voice, "Is she... Is she right, Aijo-kun? You... You can't make up your mind yet? But it's a no-brainer!"
"Just like him!" Karane sizzled.
The boy took an extremely deep breath. Whatever Evangeline-san had planned to do, it was clear she wouldn't be showing up. So it all was on him after all. Just as well. This was his responsibility and he'd been wrong trying to pull others into his own problems.
He did his best to smile and grabbed Hakari by the shoulders, gently. He looked down at her eager face, preciously bathed by the full moonlight, and said softly, "We have just met, but I already can tell you are two peerless girls, which anyone would be glad to call girlfriends. You are more than I deserve, I'm sure, and it'd be unfair for me to leave you hanging, or hurt either of you with a rejection, so..."
"Oh my God, you're going to reject us both for fucking fairness' sake, aren't you," Karane dreaded.
Hakari hiccuped in mounting fear. "Aijo-kun! Are you gay?!"
"It's not that...!" he said. "What I mean to tell you is that-!"
Then a much stronger burst of icy wind blew all over them, flipping Hakari's skirt up, and the girl shrieked while Karane, who had brought pants to the date, looked aside, following the loud sounds of large bat wings flapping nearby. She heard Rentarou gasp, and she followed his gaze upwards with hers. Hakari did the same.
The three of them found themselves staring at a voluptuous, mysterious blonde woman with very long hair and wearing a sulty black dress, standing on top of a lamppost and smiling sensuously at them. Hakari crossed her legs together and repressed a deep moan. Rentarou moved quickly before both of the girls, instinctively shielding them with his body.
"I am the Messenger of Death, the Plague of the Undead traveling on dark wings," the stranger crooned, striking a dramatic outline against the disc of the Moon. "I am Dark Evangel, mightiest of all vampires. And you, witless children, are my latest meal!"
She jumped down on them, and there were two high pitched squeals.
The 108 Girlfriends who Really, Like Really, I mean it, Man, Really Love You, Dude.
Chapter Two: Return of the Sakura Lane Vampire.
"Oh my dear God," a visibly rattled Yukihiro Ayaka gasped, standing on a nearby rooftop with Negi and Asuna. "Hanezono Hakari! That's Hanezono Hakari!"
"One of your rich friends?" Asuna guessed.
"She's not my friend!" Ayaka said. "Her family is completely insane! Her mother is a vile creature of decadent habits that will not stop at anything to fulfill her goals, never caring if anything that burns ends up burning! Her financial power is so great that she even has accidental conquests! You'd have to go to Honnouji to find a worse mother spawning a more twisted daughter!"
Negi adjusted his tiny bifocals, surviewing how Rentarou grabbed each girl under an arm and, displaying sudden superhuman strength and speed in an explosion of adrenaline, ran away with them just as Evangeline divebombed into the spots where they'd been standing moments ago. "She looks fairly defenseless, however…"
"I never said that she was a fighter, just that she was twisted," Ayaka told her dear teacher. Below, Evangeline cackled her mad delight and began giving chase, floating above the ground and spending just enough speed as to stay shortly behind the terrified young man. "The other girl must be her roommate, Inda Karane-san, whom Hanezono-san frequently mentions to be an annoyance, a broad caricature of a Tsundere, and an annoying gorilla who is always overstepping her limits while complaining about everything."
Asuna grunted. "Man, I hate that kind of people!" They began moving along, following the chase from afar and jumping from one rooftop to the next. "Do you really think Eva's brainhaired idea will work?"
"If it doesn't, we're here to stop her before she goes too far," Negi said grimly, never taking his eyes off his Master. "I'm worried she may be enjoying this too much…"
"Nooooo! What gave you that idea?" Asuna said sarcastically, her Ensis Exorcizans well in hand in its giant paper fan form.
"Give it up, children!" Evangeline declared grandiosely, gathering black power in her hands and throwing it at Rentarou's heels, singing them with each blast, and making him squirm and struggle to keep up running. "You stand no chance against my power! I shall feast on your virgin blood tonight…!"
"Oh, great, so now you're sparing her?!" Karane yelled, pointing at Hakari.
"Sh-Shut up!" Hanezono shot back. "Does this look like a dog to you?! I was right, vampires exist and now she's going to take my purity with her big fat futa member!"
Rentarou blinked. "Excuse me?" he said, never stopping.
"I don't have a penis! Who ever heard of a female vampire with a penis?!" Eva blushed briefly, then threw a ball of dark magic that barely missed Hakari's head.
"Well, she may not be a dog, but she sure acts like a bi—EEEEE!" Karane shrieked, ducking her head as the next shot nearly decapitated her.
She'd just led them into a dead end flanked by brick walls. "Ahhh, you idiot!" Karane screamed. "Turn back! Take us back!"
"He cannot. Checkmate," the adult Evangeline smiled, landing on her feet behind them, her high heels clicking on the pavement. "Prove yourself as a hero to your women now, if you can, Lover Boy! Show me the strength of your heart or pay the price!"
"I knew it," Negi said, stopping by the last building in the last block, watching over them like a hawk. "It's a test of character, one of Master's favorite approaches."
"Eva's never half done things, huh," Asuna said. "Let's see if he breaks down or not…"
To his credit, Rentarou let the girls down on their feet gently, and then stepped before them, arms spread wide. "No! Do with me whatever you want, but you aren't touching them, no matter what!"
Eva chuckled and gave a step towards them. "Oh? And how do you plan to stop me…?"
"I abhor violence against the fair sex, but if necessary, I'm willing to defend them no matter what!" he warned.
The tall blonde laughed. "This is rich! How in the world do you intend to—"
Rentarou frowned, whipped something out of his pocket, and zapped Evangeline with it.
"Aijo-kun…!" Hakari gasped, hugging him from behind.
Karane lifted an eyebrow. "Okay. Now you've got my attention…"
Evangeline just blinked, unamused, no-selling the taser's discharge. "Seriously? Is that the best you can do?" she told him.
Rentarou swallowed. "It's the best the taser can do, but-!"
Faster than they could react, she grabbed him by the head and tossed him aside. "This isn't enough!" she roared.
"Aijo-kun!" Hakari panicked.
"Rentarou!" Karane cried, bolting past her roommate and rushing to the stunned downed boy's side.
Negi tried to lunge down. "She's losing control! I'm going to—"
Asuna grabbed him by the arm and held him back firmly. "No. Not yet!"
"But-!"
"Have faith in your teacher, Sensei," Ayaka said stoically. "This isn't any different to how she treats you."
Evangeline spun around to move towards Rentarou and Karane. "This is a hero's reward, a lesson you'd better take to the next life. You'll better give yourselves up, for—Ahhhh, what the hell?!" she screamed, as Hakari had just jumped on her to bite the back of her neck furiously.
"Yuuuhh wuun't huffft 'em, nononono!" Hakari screamed around her bite, trying in vain to chomp through the all too hard as steel skin. Her arms wrapped themselves under Eva's breasts and squeezed tight. "U'll buute yuuh heaff off iff nffeeded!"
"I'm the vampire here, not you, damn it!" Eva protested, flailing around while Rentarou and Karane blinked and stood back. She had dropped her magical defense shields for this farce as she never thought them necessary, but this definitely wasn't in her plans for the night. "Leggo! Or I'll smash your head against the-!"
"You won't do it!" Rentarou said, as he and Karane threw themselves against Eva's midsection, tackling her against the ground and bringing Hakari down with them. Hakari yelped even as Evangeline cursed her loss of balance. This was why she normally attacked barefoot! High heels were such a bitch! "I don't care if I die, I… YEEE!" he winced in pain, as the punch he'd just thrown on Evangeline's face had merely crushed his knuckles. "Are you made of stone?!"
Eva chuckled, shaking Hakari off and aside. "I'm the rock the sea crashes against, or however the quote went! I'm invincible! Unbeatable! I am the inevitable, I—"
"I AM IRON MAN, BITCH!" Karane said, swinging a leg up and closing Eva's mouth by the simple but efficient method of slamming it shut.
That was when the Vampire Witch went angry.
Tendrils of darkness exploded out of Mc Dowell's body, shooting themselves in all directions.
"Confound you, rebellious hellspawn!" the Mistress of Puppets bellowed, her eyes turning twin little pools of black in which crimson pupils swam. "I shall rip you apart piece by piece!"
Negi sighed, chanted his activation words under his breath, and jumped down, slipping out of Ayaka's grip. "She's lost it. I can't stand back anymore…"
After a moment, Ayaka groaned and leapt after him.
"No good deed goes unpunished…" Asuna mused aloud, and then swooped in as well.
One of the black tentacles wrapped itself around Hakari and yanked her far from Rentarou, the girl yelping as her breasts bounced in opposite directions. "Hanezono-san!" Rentarou jumped after her, grabbing Karane by a hand and pulling her along.
Karane let out a strangled scream of her own, and then kicked at one of the tendrils trying to pull down on her other leg. At the middle of it all, the buxom blonde stood seething, even as Negi, Asuna and Ayaka dropped on their feet right before her.
"Master, come back to your senses!" the boy teacher pleaded, raising his bandaged staff. "You will trigger the alarms…!"
Evangeline roared and swatted him aside like a fly.
"Negi-sensei!" Ayaka cried out.
"Ah, the kid teacher?" Karane gave a quick glance back, even as she and Rentarou struggled to pull on the thing squeezing Hanezono to free her. "What's he doing here…?"
"Hold on, Hanezono-san!" Rentarou begged desperately, exerting himself to his max. "Can you breathe?! Please try to squirm out!"
Negi was already pulling himself back to his feet, but Eva had caught Ayaka and Asuna by their throats and tossed them on him, pinning him under their combined weight. She stomped towards the other three with ease, and then grabbed Rentarou by the neck and lifted him like a puppy. "You should have given up on them…!" she hissed inhumanly.
"No! Please no!" Hakari scrambled across the ground, even as the tendril relaxed its grip and she could more or less free herself with Karane's help.
"Hey, leggo of him!" Karane shouted. "What's your big problem?! Take me if you want! Come on, I can put up an actual fight!"
Those eyes full of long simmering hatred settled on her, and Karane trembled, but still held her ground stubbornly. "How little you know…!" Evangeline told her.
Rentarou coughed, trying to yank her fingers off with his. "I swear, if, if you do anything to them…!"
"Why do you care?" the vampire snorted. "Why should you mind if they die? You just met them! Fool! Do you really think that a moment's infatuation could ever translate to a life's love?! True love doesn't exist! Much less a variety born from a whim that-!"
A blast of electricity hit her in the back of her head, and she growled, looking back at a newly arrived Chisame, who stood with her magical scepter raised and pointed at her. Behind Chisame, Chachamaru held a large assault pulse rifle, and Matoi had several small throwing knives in each hand.
"That's enough, Eva," Chisame said sternly while Negi, Ayaka and Asuna fell in line with her. "Saber-san, Emiya-senpai and Setsuna are on their way here. And the Headmaster is only one call away…"
"Call everyone, as many as you want," Evangeline challenged her. "I won't let go of this worm until he has given his answer! Why would he—"
"I love them!" Rentarou said.
"Eh?" Karane said.
"Them?" Hakari echoed him.
"I don't mind if it's stupid, the heart wants what it wants!" Rentarou said. "And often, in life, you must go on what it tells you, and bet your future on it! That's a decision I'm willing to take! I may have just met them, and they might be a handful, but even now, somehow, I know they're worth it, everything I can give! I'm sorry for you, if you haven't ever felt that way!"
"How dare you…" Eva began.
"Because it's the most pleasant sensation I've ever felt!" Rentarou barked. "From the bottom of my being, I can tell they're the ones for me! As sure as my heart beats in my chest, as sure as day follows night, I know I can make them happy, just like they make me happy, even now! Right now, I'm feeling more alive than ever before! I couldn't die happier, than knowing I give my life for their sake!"
Hakari blushed and tightened her legs, feeling herself damp down there. "Aijo-kun… No! Rentarou-kun!"
"R-Rentarou…" Karane stuttered, blushing even more.
Evangeline took a long, terrible pause, staring grimly at his face and then spitting on it. She let him go, so he fell on his butt coughing, and then looked at the two female Senpais. "What about you? Do you love him back, then?"
"I do!" Hakari said without hesitation. "I do, I do, I couldn't ever imagine I'd ever like a boy this much! He's perfect! He's so dreamy! He's so, so, so-!"
Ayaka leaned confidently towards a somewhat uneasy looking Negi and whispered tenderly in his ear, "He's nothing compared to you."
Negi blushed and rasped. "That, that's okay, it's not like this troubles me…" he said, but now he felt better regardless.
"As for me… I…" Karane spoke, somewhat stilted, and then sighing, "I don't hate him!"
Eva frowned. "That's not enough."
"I don't hate him much! I don't hate him a whole lot! I don't hate him at all! I'd never not hated any boy as much ever before, as I don't hate him right now!" she stumbled on her own tongue, face beet red, before saying in an explosion of courage, "As a matter of fact, I think I even like him!"
Chisame grimaced. "Oh my God, how disgusting…!"
There was a long, long silence, while Rentarou only looked at Karane and Hakari in fascinated silence.
Then, the moon was covered by a thick bunch of clouds, and Evangeline's body shrank into that of a child wearing a dress too big for her, which slipped off her leaving her only in tiny black panties. Her eyes returned to their usual green hues. "You have passed the test," she said emotionlessly. "Congratulations, you will live to see another day."
Hakari gawked at her, and then collapsed back with a massive nosebleed.
"Oh my God," Asuna told Ayaka. "She's another you!"
"HEY!"
This was the first time Rentarou had ever set foot in a female dormitory.
Negi-sensei and Evangeline-san had gone to the Dorm Mother to argue with her beforehand. Shortly into their discussion, Evangeline had taken the other woman away and, after a quick heated exchange Rentarou couldn't quite understand from the other side of the staffer's office, Eva had emerged smiling and dusting her hands off while the bespectacled woman huffed furiously.
"It is done," the tiny terror announced, satisfied. "Let's get you inside."
They'd taken him, Karane and Hakari to Negi-sensei's living quarters, where Hakase, Yuuna and Skuld already were waiting for them, Chamo perched on Skuld's shoulder.
"Okay, what's all of this about?" Karane asked. "Who the hell are you people?"
"What's your relationship with Rentarou-kun?" Hakari said. "Don't tell me... you arranged all of this with them, did you?" she asked Rentarou, quite nervously.
He sighed. "Not exactly. I had no idea they'd do this, and I just met them yesterday myself..."
Skuld cleared her throat, put a fist on her own chest, and declared with airs of great dignity, "I am Skuld, Goddess of the Future..."
"And she's the goddess of what?" Karane pointed at Evangeline.
A vein bulged on Skuld's head. "She isn't a goddess! She's just a vampire witch!"
"No matter how you put it, that's not something one would ever call a 'just'!" Hakari argumented.
"Well, she is a goddess," Rentarou said. "Odds are her power greatly surpasses even Evangeline-san's..."
Eva scoffed, walking over to the fridge and pouring herself a Coca-Cola. "Hah! As if!"
Hakari blinked. "A goddess is less powerful than a vampire?"
"What guarantee do we even have you're a goddess?" Karane put her fists on her own hips and leaned ahead, glaring at Skuld's face. "Okay, I can't argue against the witch anymore, but why don't you show us your powers before we do anything else?"
Skuld scowled and her bulging vein twitched. She opened her mouth wide and shouted right on Karane's face. "YOU IDIOT...!"
Moments later, Karane sat looking into a hand mirror Chisame had given her, and tried vigorously to wipe the word 'IDIOT' in large letters all across her own face. "Okay, okay, I admit it, you're the Goddess of Writing Insults on People's Faces! Geez!"
Skuld was talking with airs of great dignity belittling her small stature again. "My miscreant sister Urd is responsible for your situation," she told the trio. "Being careless at her job, she accidentally tied all of you together with the mythical Red Thread of Love and Fate. Normally, any given person is meant to have only one soulmate, but in your case... well..."
"Oh dear," Hakari gulped, once again pinching herself to verify she was indeed awake, and also because she liked being pinched. "Ah, but surely that can be undone so Karane-san can go on to live her own life as happily as someone with her temper ever could?"
"Why aren't you the one to walk away from us?!" Karane protested.
Ayaka looked at Chisame with mild concern. "Is that how we look and sound most of the time?"
"God, I hope not..."
"I'm not sure, that's not my specialty," Skuld confessed. "Look, we're already doing enough by telling you all of this, okay? We aren't even obligated to help you at all!"
"Your help almost got us killed tonight!" Karane said. "What was this meant to do, show us that Rentarou is a good, brave man?"
"I don't think this attack was necessary for me to notice that," Hakari said, "although I'll admit Karane-san would have needed a wake up call as strong as this one..."
"Furthermore, why isn't that sister of yours telling us all of that herself?!" Karane demanded of Skuld.
The Norn shrugged. "I have to assume she doesn't want to see me face to face anymore, and the feeling is mutual. We have had a fallout since our other sister... disappeared."
"Oh..." Hakari said quietly. "Yes, I can sympathize. It happens all the time. A noble, responsible member of a family goes away, and a selfish, irresponsible relative ruins all of the family dynamics..."
"Pretty much," Skuld nodded. "Anyway, being tied together as you are, you are left with a choice; you can try to manage together until we find a solution, or you can break apart in your own separate directions and risk the karmic backlash resulting from such a move."
"I'm not going to forfeit my promising future with Rentarou-kun now that it has presented itself!" Hakari said, glomping Rentarou's arm.
Rentarou gulped, noticing that so far, Skuld had said nothing about the death clause. Subtly, the young goddess gave him a placating look, and he understood that Ala Alba wouldn't push the issue just yet unless absolutely necessary.
"What do you want in return for your 'help' with this?" Karane asked instead of answering Skuld's dilemma. She squinted her eyes suspiciously.
"Money won't be any issue!" Hakari reassured them. "I can make any donations you want me to pay to your pagan church, no matter where in the world it's located!"
"I'm a goddess, I don't have any need for money!" Skuld acted offended.
"I could use some new shoes and a mountain bike, I've been thinking of taking on extreme biking," her roommate said.
"Be quiet, Yuuna!" Skuld scolded her.
"One doesn't need an economic reward to do something for others," Negi started to lecture. "Good actions are their own reward, as the wise saying goes."
The two visiting girls stared at him.
"Okay, forget the vampire and the goddess, you are the most unbelievable person in this room," Karane said after a moment of this.
Chisame gave a single, dry, humorless laugh. "Tell me about it...!"
"Think of this as a test period, to see which one of you can stay permanently as Senpai's girlfriend," Ayaka suggested, which Rentarou felt adverse to as a first impulse, since he liked them both the same, and this would probably just urge them to compete against each other, which could get ugly. But then he realized that it'd be selfish of him to just two-time them in the long run. Perhaps Ala Alba were correct and they should just treat this as a chance to get to know each other better, until a way out could be found and they could settle for a normal relationship, leaving the other girl(s) free to pursue their own happiness on their own terms.
It wasn't like they had to engage and marry right now, was it?
So he tried to smile. "Y-Yeah, that makes sense... We won't achieve anything by losing our heads over it, right? Let's take this step by step, enjoy the days as they come, and I'm sure that eventually, things will sort themselves out on their own..."
I really hope so, at least! he thought.
Hakari and Rakane were too busy staring daggers at each other, sitting at opposite sides of him, to fully notice what he was saying, however.
Chamo sighed. "I don't like meddling into other people's affairs, kid, but you've got a real uphill battle in your hands here..."
Both girls stopped glare-fighting and gasped at the small animal. "Your rat speaks, too?!" Karane yelled.
"I'm not a rat...!"
"Debatable," Chisame said.
Several days later, after classes, Rentarou sat on a bench by the park, between Hakari, who was happily eating melon bread, and Karane, who was just pouting.
That SOS Brigade President weirdo and her handsome sycophant walked by before them.
"So, are you telling me that the Festival never ends up coming along just because Kyon is too afraid of what could happen in it? That coward…!" Suzumiya Haruhi scoffed, never paying any attention to the trio.
"He's unconsciously afraid of how his life might be changed, but we really shouldn't be discussing this in the open…" Itsuki said, and the trio didn't pay them any attention either until the duo was gone.
"Hey, Rentarou," Karane said, blushing since the boy's arm was resting on her shoulders.
"Yes, Karane-chan?" he asked.
"You know what happens when boys and girls start dating, right…?"
Hakari choked on her latest mouthful. "K-Karane-san!" she stuttered. "Not just yet! I, I, I'm not ready to be a mother…!"
Karane tossed her schoolbag on Hakari's head. "Idiot! Pervert! I mean, I mean, I mean a kiss, nothing more nothing less!" She began twiddling her fingers together while looking away from them. "N-Not that I'm in a hurry to be kissed by you or anything, Rentarou, it's just I took pity on you and I wouldn't want you to feel inadequate as a man!"
Rentarou blinked. "Oh, wow, Karane-chan, are you already willing to take that step? I have no problems, naturally, but I thought—"
"I'm not an immature Tsundere in denial over any feelings or anything!" Karane shouted.
"Right," Hakari said, primly wiping the small chunks of melon bread she'd just splattered all over her own face. "I have to say, Rentarou-kun, I wouldn't mind a chaste, pure, little innocent first kiss, stuck down all the way to the bottom of my throat through passionate, torrid, long drawn Frenching…"
"That's the complete opposite of what a virginal first kiss should be!" Karane protested.
"Okay, but here's a problem…" Rentarou doubted, scratching his chin.
"It's okay if you're an inexperienced kisser, that only speaks of how you saved yourself for our predestined encounter!" Hakari said. "I haven't ever kissed a man before, so we are even, and we can learn together through lots and lots of practice!"
"No, that's not it," he said. "It's just that, if you're both interested…"
"I told you I'm not interested in the kiss itself, I just want to save you from those feelings of male inadequacy, m-moron," Karane mumbled, head low.
"… which one should I kiss first?" Rentarou mused, troubled.
Both girls stiffened on the bench.
"W-Well!" Karane said after a moment. "Like I said, I'm not that interested, which doesn't mean I'm not interested in you, and I'd like to think I'm a fair person…!"
"Oh, so I can kiss him first? Thank you, Karane-san!" Hanezono jumped onto the chance.
"… but I was the one to come up with the idea, and that's part of the fairness too!" Karane continued, shoving Hakari back from him through the gentle method of shoving her hand on Hanezono's face and pushing hard. "Besides, my purposes are selfless so I've earned a little bit of selfishness!"
"It's not selflessness if you do it to score selflessness points to start with!" Hakari protested.
Rentarou thought about it. "Okay, how about this?" he asked, pulling a coin out of his breast pocket. "I learned this from an American friend, they call it the Harvey Dent method. You flip the coin, picking tails or heads beforehand, and if it lands tails, you shoot a man through the head, if it lands heads, you spare his life…"
Both girls stared at him in horror.
Rentarou shook his head. "No! Sorry, it wasn't like that! It's been a while since I was described it…!"
"W-We know how a simple heads or tails decision is reached, you baka!" Karane said, seizing the coin and turning it over in her hand. "Huh, so it isn't tricked…"
"Why would I use a two-faced coin?" Rentarou asked. "That'd beat the whole purpose of leaving it to random!"
Karane sighed, handing him the coin back. "Never mind. It's just that one never knows. I choose heads."
"I wanted to be heads, but okay, I'm not going to nitpick," Hakari said. "Please flip it, Rentarou-kun! I can't wait any longer…!"
"You've just waited a week just fine!" Karane told her.
Rentarou breathed deeply, summoned the Goddess of Love in his thoughts, and tossed the coin. "Alea jacta est!" he said.
The coin flew through the air, giving several turns and twists as they all stared at it with great tension…
And then it landed…
Stuck on a crack of the sidewalk, standing perfectly straight and vertical.
"…" Rentarou, Hakari and Karane said.
Then they shared a nervous laugh.
"Ah, well, no big thing!" Karane said. "Even I wouldn't get upset about this!"
"Right, right!" Hanezono said. "You just need to pick it again and do a second flip, right, Rentarou-kun!"
"Of course!" he said, standing up. "I'll do that right n—"
Then a magpie, attracted by the sun shining on the coin, swooped down, quickly took the coin in its beak, and flew back upwards just as quickly, becoming a twinkle in the sky.
"…"Rentarou, Hakari and Karane said.
"Do you have any more coins?" Karane asked.
Rentarou patted himself all over. "I think I spent all of my money buying you guys lunch! I'd have to head back home…"
"I never carry cash on me as everything is paid through Visa, Master Card, and Lex Card," Hanezono confessed. "You…?"
Karane smiled. "You're in luck! I just remembered I always keep one on me for emergencies such as this! O-Okay, I pick heads again…!" she said, preparing to toss.
"One moment, please," Hakari grabbed the coin, then turned it around, revealing it to be two-faced.
Karane gave a short apologetic laugh. "To my credit, I didn't try that from the start! I gave you a fair fighting chance at first, so I've earned a-!"
Hakari threw Karane's schoolbag back on her face.
"You need help again!?" Evangeline asked incredulously, sitting crosslegged on the porch of her cabin. Her arms were folded, and Chachamaru stood dutifully behind her, in her maid outfit. "You guys just have to develop your own agency, or else the angry schizo reviews will start raining!"
"Please don't insult our beloved readership, they're all good fans and have given us their support," Rentarou said very seriously. And then, "We just can't decide whom I should kiss first. I met them at the same exact time, so…"
"Kiss them following the alphabetic order," Eva suggested.
"Yes! Yes! That's just fair and just!" Hanezono Hakari nodded.
"No! No! What do mere letters have to do with any of this?!" Inda Karane protested vehemently.
"What a bother!" Evangeline shook her head. "Then, age before beauty, as they say. The older one of you will kiss the boy first."
"We were born the same day," Hanezono shared.
"Huh?" Eva said.
"That's wonderful! Are you serious?!" Rentarou beamed with joy. "That's a sign from above that you're meant to be together! Just like Asterix and Obelix!"
"Okay," Eva said after another moment, "but surely, one you was—"
"We… We were born at the same exact time, too," Karane shared uneasily.
Rentarou brought his hands together, exuding happiness. "That's even better…! Truly, we are soulmates!"
Eva scowled. After thinking for a few moments, she snapped her fingers. "Ah! If you were born far apart from each other, then technically, the time zones…"
"In the same hospital!" the two girls said as one.
Chachamaru raised an eyebrow at this extremely unlikely development.
Rentarou floated around, having an apotheosis of delight. "There's no doubt anymore, anywhere in my heart…!"
Evangeline facepalmed. "I'm sure this contradicts your canon and eventually we'll receive strongly worded comments about this too, but whatever makes your joke work, right? Then we'll have to do it the hard way…"
Rentarou stopped floating and suddenly appeared sitting between his girls, without dropping by like a dead weight, just sitting there from one moment to the next. "What do you mean, Mc Dowell-san?"
"GAH!" Karane shrieked. "How did you do that…?!"
"It's the power of Love…!" Hakari gushed.
"We're going to build a death match race set for you to compete," Evangeline lectured. "We will tie the boy at the end of the course, and the first one of you to reach him will claim his lips for herself."
"Eh? W-Wait a moment, Evangeline-san!" Hakari said. "That doesn't seem too fair!"
Karane smirked. "Oh? Unsure now because I've always outdone you at PE?"
"Yes! I mean, no!" Hakari denied it. "It's just that, well, think of Rentarou-kun! I doubt he'll want to be in bondage… sweating under the sun… his shirt clinging to his chest… and… uhhhh… exhibited like an objectified victim waiting for his princess… to reach him… and plant… a long, loving first… kiss… on his lips…"
She began panting fervently, with pink hearts in her pupils, and Rentarou blinked. Chachamaru took a step back in silence, and Evangeline hummed to herself.
Karane frowned. "Um, does that mean that you'll do it or—"
"I'LL TAKE IT!" Hakari cried. "I'm sure that the Power bestowed upon me by Love will make me triumph no matter whaaaaaat!"
"But, Senpai, are you okay with this?" Chachamaru asked Rentarou.
He smiled. "Yes! If they're both pumped up for it, who am I to oppose? It should be a good chance for them to bond closer by having some good clean fun!"
Chachamaru and her Master looked at the girls, who were staring into each other's eyes over Rentarou's shoulders, a stream of crackling electricity connecting their pupils.
"All right," Evangeline said at last. "Chachamaru, call Hakase immediately, tell her Hanezono's got a designing job for her, and that she'll pay her richly…"
"I… I really don't see the point of having to wear this!" Karane said, blushing as she emerged from a dresser wearing the tight ensemble of hot short pants and a belly-showing top, dark blue and sporting a white wing emblem on the chest. "Come on, this isn't a professional competition!"
"What are you complaining about? You look great in it!" gushed the long haired awful girl named Saotome Haruna who had forced her into wearing this. She crouched down before Karane and patted her hips several times, almost drooling. "All firm muscle in all the right places, but without overdoing it! Woo-hoo!"
Karane kneed her in the jaw, forcing her to stagger back with bulging eyes. "Hands off, skank…!"
Hakari, wearing an identical uniform and stretching up like a mischievous cat, chuckled. "Ufufu! Karane-san, why are you so antsy even when you're complimented? You should be honored that your kind of figure is appreciated!"
Karane grimaced, looking at Hakari's large breasts nicely restrained by the top, her nipples vaguely outlined against the spandex. "This, this isn't the kind of appreciation I came here for…"
Evangeline approached them, wearing black shorts and the shirt with black and white stripes of a referee. "Your yearned appreciation waits at the end of the course with Boya, Despair and Morisato, Inda," she told Karane. "Just remember, the two of you will have to stick to the pathway without ever deviating from it! No shortcuts, and no sabotaging your rival either! Other than that, anything goes!"
"I feel so stupid," Karane said, being led by Chachamaru to the start of the course. This was a plain looking spot of grassy hillside, overlooking the valleys of Mahora Academy. There was a long stretch of road ahead, but there were no obstacles yet, at least not until the path entered the nearby woods, past which anything was anyone's guess. "And where are the rest of your buddies? Finally had better things to do than meddling into the lives of others?"
"My not friends will be handling the obstacles, making sure to test you while also babysitting you so you won't be hurt," Evangeline explained while Chachamaru pointed at two starting points marked '1' and '2' respectively. Just to piss Hakari off, Karane took Spot Number One. "That means they might attack you here and there, but against my advice, they won't be going all out…"
"You still want to kill us for some reason, don't you?!" Karane snapped.
"Don't take it personally, Eva-chin is that way with everyone!" Haruna laughed, taking a position by the duo and raising a trick gun. "On your marks!"
Both older girls sighed and assumed a position to start a sprint.
"Nice…" Haruna stared fixedly at the girls' lifted asses for a moment, then shouted, "Set!"
Hakari and Karane squinted, shared a piercing glare into each other's eyes, and held their breath for the big moment.
"GO!" Haruna yelled, shooting the gun into the air, and then both Senpais began running ahead.
Like expected, Karane, being more naturally athletic, took an early lead. Hakari was not exactly a slouch either, much less when spurred by her necessity to take Rentarou's lips, and soon was closing the distance dangerously. Haruna, Evangeline and Chachamaru watched them cover the whole distance towards the thick forest rather quickly, and then they vanished from sight into nature's unknown.
"And then they never were seen again…" Evangeline said with a shake of her head.
Haruna giggled and gave her a mock punch in the arm. "Oh, don't be like that! You know, I think I'm starting to like those two! They're really spirited, the girls could learn a few things from them, especially for Hanezono-senpai…"
"Excuse me for saying this, Saotome-san, but I highly doubt she will ever even entertain the thought of having an illicit tryst with you. She is too devoted for that…" Chachamaru said.
Haruna pouted. "Oh, don't be a wet blanket, Chacha-chan! If not her, someone in that group of 108 is bound to click closely with me…!"
Somewhere else, while longing under the sun in a beach chair and wearing a tiny white bikini, Hanezono Hahari sneezed.
"Are you sure you're feeling well, Aijo-san?" Negi asked, sitting at the end of the course with Morisato, guarding Rentarou, who was tied to a pole. "We always could loose your binds..."
"No, thank you, but I'm fine, really," Rentarou said with a patient smile. "If I'm going to play this role, I should do it correctly!"
Then he looked at the man in a traditional white and gray hakama, hanging by his neck from a branch of a close tree. "Aren't you ever worried about him ever dying for real?"
Negi sighed. "We're working on that..."
Keiichi heard something in the distance, and stood up to look into the woods with a set of binoculars. "Ah, they already began! They're entering the forest right now. Really, Evangeline-san should have told us..."
"Seriously? Let me see! Let me see!" Rentarou asked eagerly.
Keiichi gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm not sure you could see anything from that angle. Why don't we just untie you already?"
Rentarou thought about it. "But I gave my word...!"
Negi sighed again, and brought a card to his forehead. Rentarou looked on, interested. "Chisame?" the boy teacher asked. "Where are they now? Uh huh. I see..."
He glanced back at Rentarou. "They're clearing the first set of obstacles right now."
"Oh, the trap pits, right? What if they fail and fall into one, they could hurt themselves..."
"Aijo-san, you checked the pillows at the bottom five times, and there's a magical healer at hand!" Keiichi said. "Calm down already or call the contest out!"
"I don't want to be a widower even before our relationship begins for real!" the younger man defended himself. "Anyone would feel the same way!"
"Point granted," Negi allowed. He touched his forehead with the card again. "Chisame, Aijo-san wants to know if- Oh, they are sorting the logs already? That's good to know..."
Rentarou bit on his lower lip. "Oh! The logs!"
"They are cardboard logs after you banned the real ones!" Itoshiki reminded him.
Rentarou blinked and looked up at him. "How can you talk with a rope squeezing your throat?"
"Ventriloquism is one of Itoshiki-sensei's many talents," Negi replied for him.
"You are too kind," Itoshiki said. "Far more than a infrahuman like me deserves..."
Negi kept speaking through the Pactio card. "Yes. Yes, he's taking it well so far. Yes, I think we should cancel this, too. But you know Master... Oh? It's Asuna's turn now? Well, hopefully she'll go easy on them and-"
There were two loud shrieks coming from the woods, and Rentarou's eyes flashed. "My girlfriends!" he gasped.
A moment later, a blur ran past Keiichi and Negi.
The two youngsters looked at the pole, now without any boy tied to him, and surrounded by snapped rope scattered across the ground.
"Huh," Negi said. "Good thing it was Master herself who tied him, or else we wouldn't ever hear the end of this..."
"That guy is really scary," Keiichi said. "But I've got to admit it, he's got... I don't have the slightest idea what he's got, but it sure is something else, all right!"
"Well, that was anticlimactic," Asuna said, sitting around Evangeline's large table with Rentarou and his girls, Eva, Setsuna, Haruna, Chisame, Keiichi, Skuld and Yuuna. Itoshiki-sensei was currently hanging from a rafter of the ceiling. Konoka stood by Rentarou, healing a very thick two-story bump on his head, and Chachamaru was patching the scratches and bruises on Hakari and Karane's faces.
"You tell me about it," Skuld said. "The whole action scene happened off panel, what was up with that?"
"It saved the author some hassle, I suppose," Setsuna mused, still upset at me because I never write any good swordplay scenes for her.
"Well, that perfectly nice death course isn't going to go to waste," Evangeline decided. "I'm going to use it as your next training grounds, after I personalize some of the traps and make them more lethal, I mean challenging."
"You people are freaking nuts!" Karane said. "Now look at us, we're back at square one!"
"There's no point to all of this hassle, let's just decide it with a coin flip," Keiichi said, pulling a coin out of a pocket.
"It's not going to work," Rentarou warned him.
"How could a simple coin toss fail?" Morisato said. "Pick, girls, heads or tails?"
Karane groaned. "Heads…"
"Tails," Hakari sighed.
"Then, as an impartial third party, I flip…" the young mechanic said, and the coin flew through the air, spinning several times…
… only to end up falling through a small hole in the floor and plummeting into the basement below.
They all looked down. "…"
"I will go retrieve it," Chachamaru said, heading downstairs.
A moment later, she returned with a subtly somewhat troubled look on her face. "A mouse took it in its mouth and ran away with it before I could see the result. That is… strange, since we never had mice here…"
"You would be amazed at the amount of ways a coin toss can go wrong," Hakari said. "I never had an idea…"
Chachamaru was staring at the hole in the floor. "I'm sure that wasn't there yesterday either…"
"I have an idea," Haruna said.
"No!" everyone else, but Rentarou, said.
"At least hear me out first!"
"What is it, Haruna-san?" Rentarou asked, right before Haruna put a cloth around his eyes and tightened it. "Hey, what's up with this?!"
"Eva-chin, please take us to the darkest room you have," Haruna asked the owner. "That should settle this!"
"Next time you call me that, you will die," Mc Dowell warned, nonetheless standing up and leading them into the same basement Chachamaru had just returned from. Haruna grabbed the female Senpais by an arm and pulled them along to follow, despite their protests. Sighing to himself, Keiichi took Rentarou by a hand and guided him down, too. "I am 'Lady Evangeline' to you."
She took the group to a small closed room in the basement and opened it with a literal skeleton key, as it was made of bone and looked it. "This is my terrible dungeon of tortures, from which nobody has ever escaped…" she intoned ominously.
"There are brooms everywhere! This is a vulgar broom closet!" Asuna pointed out, squinting through its darkness.
"Shut up!" the little blonde growled. "Why would a broom closet be as big as this?! Keep up with the insolence and you'll be locked up here forever, too!"
"Wh-What's with that 'too'?!" Karane shrilled while Haruna blindfolded her as well. Hakari looked on, interested. "Ah, no! No no no no no! I'm not going to walk blindfolded into someone's secret basement s-sex dungeon away from civilization! That's some real Darwin Award crap right here!"
"Oh, shut up!" Eva said while Chachamaru blindfolded Hakari more gently. "What has, so far, given you the impression I'm the type unworthy of trust?"
"There are so many ways to start with that, I don't even know how to!" Karane yelled.
"Master, I know this is your house, but I'm still your teacher and I still have a legal obligation to keep all students safe," Negi told the vampire. "If they don't want to do this, I'm not going to stand for it."
"W-Well, if it's the only way to decide Rentarou-kun's first kiss…" Hanezono gulped, "Then I'm going along with it! I always could find my way through darkness…"
"I'm not gonna lose to you!" Karane said. "What, are you trying to play chicken with me?! I'm twice as brave as you or—YIIIIIIIIII!" she said as Haruna grabbed her and made her spin in place several times, displaying a lot of strength for a nerd.
Rentarou exhaled, starting to turn around in place himself. "Please hold on, girls, and forgive me for all of this. I'll do my best to make sure your kisses are worth your efforts…"
"If, if I get kissed second, then please make it twice as good!" Hakari said, being made spin by Chachamaru, and after all three of them were sufficiently dizzy and disoriented, Chachamaru simply shoved them inside at once, without a single word, and quickly locked the door after them.
"Even if they take the blindfolds off, they won't be able to see a thing," Eva smiled, folding her arms. "And even if they call out, it'll be difficult finding their way in the dark."
Konoka pinched her nose. "And it should be difficult to find each other through smell. Forgive me for saying this, Eva-san, but that room stinks so much!"
"I'm under orders to keep it stenchful as befits a torture dungeon. Sorry for offending your sensibilities, Konoka-san," Chachamaru bowed.
"I feel tempted to suggest that we head back up, bar the basement down, and forget about all of this, going on with our lives," Chisame deadpanned.
There were some sound gasps coming from the inside, and then the loud, wet noise of lips crashing together in a saliva generous smack.
"Oh dear!" Negi blushed. "So soon…?!"
"Well, it is a small broom closet," Skuld said.
"Torture dungeon…!" Evangeline growled.
The sounds of frantic, passionate kissing only grew up, over several moments, and Haruna's ahoge twitched excitedly. "Oh, woo hoo! That's some good stuff…!"
"I have a bad feeling about this," Setsuna confessed.
"Me too," Chisame said. "Any moment now, there'll be a—"
There was a loud sound of crashing, a man's yelp, and Negi, already nervously on the edge, darted ahead and pulled the door open.
Some light was thrown inside, and everyone blinked at the sight of Rentarou on the floor, rubbing his head after crashing against a wall. A couple of steps away, Karane and Hakari were hugging tightly and French kissing each other, cheeks flushed, until Karane finally seemed to notice the soft mass of large breasts mashing against her semi-flat chest.
Karane pulled back quickly, yanked her blindhold off, and then stared in horror before giving a shriek that rattled the whole cabin.
Matoi grabbed Chisame and ran for cover upstairs before anyone could even ask "Ah! You were there?!"
"What a disaster," Rentarou sulked, standing at the edge of the rooftop of the male wing's main building, and supporting himself on the rail. A whole day had passed, but the issue was still brewing heavily in his mind. "They must be angry at me, so there's only one way out…"
"N-NO!" a voice cried out desperately. "Rentarou-kun, don't jump!"
He blinked, turning around just in time to be tackled down by Karane, while Hakari, who had been the one just to scream, stood by the stairs with a frantic look on her face. "UUUUUFFFF!" he said as his head hit concrete and his eyes bulged out.
"Y-You idiot, why were you gonna throw your life away?!" Karane bawled against his chest. "You took all the wrong lessons from Despair-sensei?! If you want to kill yourself, why wouldn't you call me first, moron…?!"
"Kuh-Killing myself?" Rentarou said, spots flashing before his eyes while he sat up, rubbing his head with a hand. Karane wouldn't stop clinging to him, rivers streaming from her eyes. "Why would I kill myself when I have the two most wonderful girlfriends in the world?"
"Ah?" Hakari said. "What were you going to do then?"
"The only thing I could, of course, which is going to talk things over with you…"
Karane froze, then pulled back blushing and putting her fists on her knees. "D-Do you see, Hanezono, you imbecile? I told you he wouldn't be THAT dumb…!"
"How did you girls make it into this building?" Rentarou asked while helping Karane to her feet.
"We're still putting posters, remember?" Hakari said. "Your roommate said you came here, so… Well… Rentarou-kun, we discussed this all night long, and we reached an angreement… on the matter of what to do o-over our first kiss with you…"
"Angreement?" Rentarou repeated.
"Yeah, it means that first we were angry at each other but then we reached an agreement," Karane nodded. "Y-You can… I mean… W-We are going to… That is… Y-You tell him!" she ended up yelling at her roommate. "You're better at those talking to people thing!"
Hakari sighed, closed her eyes briefly, and then told the boy, "Rentarou-kun, you can kiss both of us at the same time."
"Eh?" he said. "But, that would mean…"
"W-W-We have kissed already, so that ship's sailed already!" Karane blushed even brighter, staring aside. "For our sake, we're willing to do it again, just once!"
"Yes, just this once!" Hanezono said.
"Because we didn't enjoy it or anything!" Karane added.
"Definitely not!" Hakari angreeded.
"But, but, but it wasn't completely ill-feeling and nauseating e-either, so if it means taking this weight f-from you, we can do it again!" Karane summed up.
"As long as we get to kiss you as well while doing it!" Hakari finished.
Rentarou paused. "Are you really, really, really, really, really sure that's what—"
"WE ARE!" the girls yelled at him at once.
Rentarou sweatdropped. "I simply had to ask…!"
Karane balled a fist up and brought it close to his face. "What, what, are you doubting the sincerity of our word? That'd piss me off! I'd beat you up! Or is it that you're having second thoughts and we disgust you now because you saw us kissing as if we were lesbians, which we aren't?! Or… are you thinking… that we are forcing you…" Suddenly she melted into a nearly tearful deredere again. "Oh, oh, oh dear, we ARE forcing you, aren't we? We are the worst, especially me, I'm strongarming my own boyfriend with threats of violence…!"
"What? No!" He grabbed her by the shoulders. "You aren't telling me about anything that I wouldn't want to! I'm so incredibly lucky, I just couldn't believe me good fortune, that's all!"
"So you will do it?" Hakari asked hopefully.
He smiled and extended a hand towards her. "We will!" he promised.
Hakari gushed with delight and skipped over to them. "Rentarou-kun! You're the best boyfriend in the world…!" she said, grabbing him and Karane and pulling them in for the kiss.
Karane stuttered. "W-W-Wait, idiot, not so fast! Gimme some time to prepare! As a matter of fact, maybe we shouldn't UMMMPPHH!" she finished as her mouth was mashed against those of Hakari and Rentarou at the same time, and her legs wobbled under her.
Suzumiya Haruhi was climbing the stairs up. "This is the ideal place!" she was telling someone who was marching behind her. "Here we can signal the aliens, the atmospheric conditions are ideal, and—and—"
She stopped, pausing to look at the three students Frenching each other in a torrid three way as one of the girls fondled the other two, and then she began to walk back and down, without being noticed at all. They were in their own happy world.
"Forget it, Kyon," she said very dryly. "Someone came first and found a better way to signal for them."
"Then what do I do with the flare pistol?" a masculine voice asked.
"Don't make me tell you where you can stuff it!"
So that was how Aijo Rentarou got his first kiss.
All in all, there are worse ways to start.
To be Continued.
Next: A Trip to the Library… and you Know Who that Means!