Fate is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

All other franchises and characters mentioned within this story are the intellectual properties of their respective copyright and trademark holders.

FATE: Realta Nua of 2814.

Based on the original by Shadow Crystal Mage.

It was a very tense moment around the Einzbern-Emiya table.

Rin and Luvia glared at each other from opposite sides, both sitting in Ikari Gendo entwined fingers poses that were completely ruined by the fact their teeth kept grinding. Their respective Servants stood behind them, wary and paranoid. Between them on one end of the table, Shirou also sat, eyes darting nervously between the two girls and both heavily armed men. Saber stood behind him, ahoge held high, invisible sword before her, pointed down but ready. At Illya's insistence, the invisible tip was resting on a brick brought in from the garden to protect the wooden floor.

On the end opposite Shirou stood the lolis and Berserker. Kuro had changed into her red and black outfit, to Shirou's and Saber's intense discomfort. Lancer seemed mildly amused by it, while Archer glared at the girl. To be fair, this was because Kuro had been glaring right back at him, and he'd finally gotten tired of just standing there and taking it. The girl seemed to find his less Stripperific outfit a personal insult. Illya stood in the center, flanked by the other two, the tall, imposing figure of Berserker rising behind her. Miyu's face was blank, but anyone who knew the girl could tell she was nervous.

"Right," Illya said, one eyebrow twitching. "Let's try again. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?-!-?-!"

"The Holy Grail War," Saber said, voice bland and professional.

"Murder Death Kill," Rin grumbled from between clenched teeth.

"So you've said," Illya said. "And that means what, exactly? Should we be expecting Nazis and sexy archeologists?"

Saber blinked. "What?"

"Movie reference," Archer said. "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."

Rin, Luvia, Shirou and the lolis turned to stare at the Servant. "What?" he said.

"You've lost your memories, but that you remember!?" Rin said.

"Yes, for some reason. I also know how the Boruto manga ends. Wanna hear?"

"I knew it! You're Literally Satan!" Rin accused, pointing at him.

Luvia blinked, confused. "What? Satan?"

"No way this weakling could be Satan," Lancer grouched while looking aside.

Rin glared at Luvia. "I didn't summon him willingly, you have to understand! As a matter of fact, I'm sure that you do, since this must have been a result of your sabotaging meddling!"

Luvia stared at her in complete disbelief. "... ah? Look, if you actually summoned a devil from the foul pit, that has nothing to do with us! He surely answered your call because he felt a kindred spirit in you!"

Rin's eyebrow twitched, and her fingers formed a gun shape.

Luvia raised her hand in a 'Mage gathering power to ruin your day' gesture.

Their Servants tensed. Shirou looked between with a mixture of frustration and dread, as Saber tightened her grip on her sword. Kuro got ready to Trace as Illya and Miyu tightened their grips on their Kaleidosticks.

Berserker simply raised an arm and slammed his fist on the table, cracking it by half and bringing everyone else into a shocked silence. The slamming sound seemed to echo in their bones for a while, made their guts wiggle uncomfortably.

"Thank you... Berserker-kun, right? I think. We're playing nice, remember!?" Illya reminded them all. "Isn't anyone going to be Miss Exposition and explain everything to us properly? Because I for one want to know who is that girl who's sticking so close to my Oniichan!" She pointed dramatically at Saber.

"YEAH!" Kuro agreed.

Rin and Luvia also turned their attention to the girl, though it looked like no explanation would make them less pissed.

Saber raised her chin stiffly, proud and imperious. "I am the Servant Saber. I am my Master's weapon in the Holy Grail War. That is all that needs to be known!"

Kuro considered this answer. "She sounds like she really needs to get laid."

Lancer snickered. Saber glared at him.

"Illya-chan," Shirou said then. "Before you keep demanding explanations, maybe you'd better give us some of your own? Like, why were you wearing that indecent costume in the middle of the night?"

Ignoring him, Illya glared at Rin. "All right, Rin, stop holding out on us! What do you know?"

"What makes you think I know anything?" Rin said, though her tone was self-satisfied.

"You're always giving out exposition," Illya said. "So spill, Exposition Girl!"

Rin tapped a finger on her cheek mysteriously. "Well… I suppose you should talk to the priest."

"Priest?" Shirou said.

"I'm feeling lazy," Rin said. "Besides, this is his official duty anyway…"

Luvia sniffed. "The man is a creepy pervert!"

"Oh, don't be afraid, I'm pretty sure he's gay! Well, Emiya-kun, let's get going!" Rin said.

"Eh? Now?" Shirou said. "At this time of night? Won't this priest be in bed?"

"I wish!" Rin said. "That'd give me an excuse to wake him up."

"Wake a second, please," Shirou said, then pointed at Illya. "You. You stay here!"

Illya blinked. "But why?! I'm a part of this too!"

"No, you aren't! At least, you won't be for long, so it doesn't matter!" her brother told her. "I'm not taking you with any creepy perverted priests, so you stay here with Luvia-san, where you can be relatively safe!"

Luviagelita nodded, satisfied. "Yes, that's much... Eh?! Sherou, why can't I come along either?!"

"You said you were disturbed by Kirei," a smiling Rin said, throwing a coat over herself. "Besides, I've known him for years! It's for the best if I go with Emiya..."

"Kirei!" Tohsaka said, fearlessly walking into the oddly, kind of eerily silent church. "It's me! I've brought another Master!"

Shirou approached her from behind and whispered close to her ear, "Tohsaka, I've never visited this church before. The priest, is Luvia-san actually right about him? Should I, uh, have any special precautions around him?"

"Hm?" she raised an eyebrow. "Nah, I don't think you've got anything to worry about. He may be a bit creepy, but I really don't think he's that kind of priest, and aren't you a bit too old anyway?"

"I, I don't mean that!" he hissed in frustration, although in truth he wasn't that sure what she'd just meant. He seemed to remember his father once expressing a deep distaste towards that priest, however.

"The priest with the afro, that one you have to watch your ass with," Rin continued. She shrugged. "It's hard to explain, really. I've known Kirei for around ten years, and I still don't have a firm grasp on his character either."

"Ten years?" he blinked. "You mean, like in—"

At that moment, a tall man in a black priest vestment seemed to appear out of nowhere at the end of the chapel, quiet and solemn, his arms folded behind his back. He was nowhere as old as Shirou had been expecting him to be, and as a matter of fact still seemed rather young and strong, with a head full of black hair and wide, straight shoulders more fitting a trained fighter or a construction worker. Despite that, he was not overly muscular, and the eyes on his angular, chiseled face were old and lifeless, slightly greenish like those of a dozing snake.

"Welcome, Rin," this man said with a deep, rich voice, a certainly interesting and commanding one. "I was wondering about your absence. What have you brought me now?"

"Who, not what, Kirei," she said, rather coldly, before making the introductions. "This is Emiya Shirou, and he's just summoned a Servant, but had no idea he should come here. So I've been nicer to you than you've ever been to me, and just made your job a little easier. Emiya-kun, this is Kotomine Kirei, the Church's overseer for the Holy Grail War."

"Emiya?" the man said, looking into Shirou's uncertain eyes. "Now that's a name I hadn't heard of in years. What an intriguing twist of fate."

"You know my father," Shirou said, faintly but not questioningly, just a statement of a just dawning fact. So Kiritsugu was not talking of mere rumors? Did he and this man have some sort of past relationship?

"Indeed. He was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil," Kirei said. "Before the Dark Side. Before the terrorism."

Shiro blinked. "Really!?"

"No, but I always wanted to say that," Kirei said.

Shirou facefaulted.

"Everybody who knows about the world of magic knows about Emiya Kiritsugu, boy," the man impassively said, beckoning for them to come closer. As they did, he gestured with his hands to the effect. "Show me the Command Seals. That is the first thing I must evaluate."

Shirou nodded absently, still studying Kirei's lifeless expression, lifting his hand and showing off its back, and the elaborate designs on it. The priest's face featured no surprise. "I see. Yes, yes, everything is in order here. The stage should be set now..."

"Now, wait a second, please," Shirou requested. "Before this goes any further, let me tell you I've no interest in the 'game' Tohsaka described to me. If I came here, it was mostly so I can learn if there's a way out."

"There are many ways to exit a Grail War," Kotomine confirmed stoically. "Why, Wars are designed for contestants to leave as soon as possible. However, I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate most of the likely exits for a Master or a Servant..."

"As you see," Rin noted, "Father Kirei is an excellent man of cloth, but missed his true vocation at stand-up comedy."

Kirei made what could charitably be called a smile, but although it seemed to show no particular malice, it was just as devoid of any warmth or true humor. It looked more like an automatic rictus than anything else. "What have Rin and your Servant shared with you?"

"I know," the boy said, "this is supposed to be an all-out conflict to the death, but I have a hard time seeing the Headmaster, head of the Kanto Association, to let it happen here. Surely you, a man of God, should agree we shouldn't let it come to pass..."

"God sends death just as He sends life, and mankind is ultimately powerless to stop either," Kirei gravelly lectured. "That includes men of Konoe Konoemon's stature. If the Holy Grail chose to manifest itself here after the destruction of Fuyuki, there is nothing any of us can do about it. It will awaken among us sooner than later, one way or another. All we can do is see who will get to summon it forth."

"There's always another way," Shirou insisted.

"How can you be so sure of that, when you don't even know what's the nature of the Grail?" Rin asked him, with a hand on her hip.

"Rin is correct, certainty born from ignorance is nothing but a bane upon those who suffer it," Kirei nodded. "The Grail is a force invoked by magi which is far greater than any of us, and none of us can cancel what they created. The Masters and Servants can only fight to dictate their own terms for its revival."

"All the same," Shirou said, "is that really worth it to let other people die for it? Do you think that's actually fair at all?"

"Of course not," Kirei quickly said, "but what I, a mere mortal, think of the fairness of existence is of no importance in this. Listen, Emiya Shirou. The role of a Master is not one that can be shuffled aside because you have no need or desire for it. Although it's unlikely the responsibility would have come upon you had you had no actual desire for it, whether you are aware of that or not."

"What are you trying to say?" Shirou blinked.

Kirei kept his steady, calm lecture on. "Forfeiting in the Grail War pretty much equals forfeiting your life. I won't deny there are ways to abandon the duties imposed upon you, but be warned most of them are likely to have you killed, and others destroyed as well. This is a do-or-die game, and your fellow contestants, extremely rare and foolish exceptions aside, will not give you any second chances. I believe you will only run into a single exception in this particular War."

Rin grumbled. "And this is what I get from playing fair to you, I see."

"Playing fair in a Grail War would seem to be a generally bad idea," Kirei softly reminded her, "although your assistance and adherence to the Church's rules on the subject is duly noted. Keep in mind, however, you're a Magus, and this is one of the areas our respective fields see in quite divergent ways."

Shirou sighed. "Okay, So you're telling me the only thing I can do is keep on fighting until I get my hands on this Grail thing, right?"

"Indeed," Kotomine said. "That will be your test, and not only for your fighting spirit, but for your ruthlessness. The Grail is able to grant any wish its Master can ask from it. We could say whoever controls it can effectively control and shape the world. In the hands of a fiend, it would destroy us all. In the hands of a saint... who could say what good it could do?"

Of course, that was an elegant way to avoid outright saying the answer would actually be no good wish could be achieved from the Grail anymore, but reaching that conclusion would have been too much for Rin, much less Shirou.

Emiya gulped, his throat now very dry. "I don't think I could bear the weight of that kind of responsibility on my shoulders."

"Then, if you enter the War with that kind of doubt in your heart, you have already lost," Kirei grimly cautioned. Truth be told, his tone was no different at all from before, but the words and the atmosphere made it sound very bleak for Shirou. "Why not embrace your courage, instead of being chained by your fear?" the priest asked, opening his arms. "A man your age should be thrilled at a chance to fulfill his wildest dreams. What kind of young heart doesn't dream of being a great hero of justice?"

Shirou flinched, and now Kirei did smile in a way that felt more vivid, but also visibly more disturbing, even if only for a quick moment.

Rin frowned. "Kirei," she said. "You're supposed to be neutral. I don't think you should be manipulating Masters by goading them."

Kirei's arms returned to their original position. "It is my first sworn duty to help those in need, and there are those who only can find salvation through helping others. The legendary heroes who qualify to become Servants were that sort of person, and it is just logical that someone who would summon them, without a prior drive to do so, would have the same sort of determination."

For all Rin detested Kotomine, she could not deny his uncanny ability to describe people shortly after getting to meet them. She had no adequate way to rebuke his point.

"Only one Hero can hold the reins of destiny," Kirei ranted, "and so all those who cannot meet the challenges demanded from the greatest Hero must perish so—"

"Hold on, don't start putting weird ideas in his mind now," Rin interrupted. "All Servants but one must die through the War, yes, but there's no rule saying all Masters must die as well. Technically, once a Servant is defeated, their Master will pose no threat anymore, so going after them past that point is only a waste of effort." She smiled at Shirou. "As long as you're skilled enough, you don't have to kill a single human being through this War, Emiya-kun."

He frowned at her. "So you say! Look, I know I've just met Saber, but I already can tell that she's as human as any of us where it matters! And your own Servant looks and acts like one as well! I can't believe you're so cold, Issei was right!"

"Well, Rin is Rin after all," Kirei commented, as Rin fumed at such lame wordplay on the meaning of her name. It wouldn't even make any sense in the English language narration! "But don't fool yourself, boy. Servants were created to be destroyed, and they are all too aware of that fact. If they were the kind of people to panic at the idea of losing their lives, they would never have become Heroic Spirits to begin with. You don't become a heroic spirit by lying down and getting messily killed without fighting back."

Somewhere, Avenger sneezed.

"That doesn't make it right, for us to use them and throw their lives away!" Shirou protested.

"The life of a Servant is wasted only when it's not used for its intended purpose," Kotomine told him. "Besides, they've already died anyway, and will not last long in this world without the war to sustain them, so it's not like they can go off and retire on some farm if they wanted to. Their days are numbered either way. I'm sure your Servant would berate you if you shared those thoughts with them. Actual human lives, on the other hand, will be lost if you allow a Master with a heart set on evil to obtain the Holy Grail. It's up to you to decide which is the greater wrong."

Shirou seethed. "You're acting as if it's okay to pick the wrong one just because it's 'not as big' as another one! But that's not how it should be! Wrong is wrong, no matter what!"

"Let me put it this way," Kirei coolly lectured. "Do you know what happened the last time, ten years ago, a fool refused to master the Grail that had manifested itself for him?"

Shirou recoiled instantly.

"The Great War is intended to appear at sixty years intervals," Kotomine said. "During each manifestation, no man or woman has proven worthy of controlling its power, and that has led to conflict time and time again. However, the winner of the last War took it even further than anybody else, and because of that, the city of Fuyuki was destroyed. Is that the fate you would, through your inaction, allow to befall Mahora?"

Shirou felt truly sick, a feeling of crushing chill filling his innards. Brief flashes of all consuming fire came to his mind, making him squirm in almost forgotten— but never truly dispelled— pain.

In other words, he was having a Negi Moment.

Tohsaka looked at him with mild concern. "Um, you okay, Emiya-kun? Look, I know this is a lot to take in, why don't you take a seat, I can bring you some wat—"

He gestured at her with a hand to stop talking, then stared into Kirei's even serpentine eyes, his own ablaze. "I still hate this cruel game of yours, and given the first chance to cut it short, then I'll gladly do so. But I'm not letting anything like that happen again if I can help it!"

"Then rejoice, Emiya Shirou," Kotomine Kirei told him. "Because you have just become a Hero. Now all you have to decide is whether you'll die as a failure of a Hero or live as a success. And possibly be remembered as a villain. I make no promises."

Shirou huffed while stepping back. "Gee, thanks for the seal of approval for my first test, then!"

"Now, now, don't take it that badly," Kirei said, his mood apparently improving considerably. "Should you exhaust your Command Seals and lose your Servant, or should your Servant perish in battle, all you need to do is come here, and my sacred duty will be protecting you, even at the cost of my own life, until the War is over. It's fairly quiet and comfortable here. Everybody praises Cocone-chan's pancakes, even if I find them somewhat... tasteless. But then, my taste buds are different." He paused. "Though I have to warn you about Father Garterbelt. Seriously, watch your ass there."

"He's not joking," Rin told the upset Shirou out of the corner of her mouth.

"Of course," Kirei cautioned, "I can't guarantee the other Masters will let you live long enough to cross our gates. Your own Servant is also all but guaranteed to murder you should you fail them. Most of them come from times where their concepts of honor and justice, not to mention fair play, do not match ours all that well. And some could just be murderous psychos who like killing people."

"Duly noted," Shirou mumbled, his mood definitely soured from when he had entered.

"So hold on to those Command Seals unless you absolutely need to use them," the priest warned. "That is the best advice I can give you for now. But, if you have any further questions...?"

"Um, yeah, actually," Shirou doubted, "Where would you have you—"

"That hallway, the second door to the right," Kirei helpfully pointed down another side. "Next to the stature of Saint Mungo."

"Wait, that's a real saint?" Shirou asked.

"Of course. Who do you think stole the secrets of British magic and revealed them to Rome so that we could kill the heretics?" Kirei said.

Shirou stared at him, then quickly headed towards the restroom the House of the Lord had reserved for His sons.

Yep, Rin decided, the bastard really had a scary gift for reading people like books...

Takamichi T. Takahata had been less helpful and more cryptic than usual, but he'd still given Batman enough clues as to lead them to a church on top of a hill. He had circled around it cautiously, quickly finding a back door. He unlocked it, and slipped it. The insides seemed plain enough, with no creepy props or old blood stains to cause alarm, but then again, the sort of weird business that made people like these come to churches after midnight might be the sort of thing he, as a conscientious citizen of the world, might have to deal with.

Managing to make his way to the area behind the where the mysterious people were meeting, he took out a hi-tech long distance listening device and listened.

There was exposition. Then there was more exposition. There was the priest acting really creepy. There was one of the most stupid moral dilemma discussions Batman had ever heard, and it didn't help that there were some good points. That actually made it worse.

And then, they were wrapping up, sooner than Batman had hoped. Neither the boy nor the girl had refused to back out of this ridiculous 'war', making Batman wondering what exactly was going on with parenting these days. Unless they were orphans. He knew a thing or two about orphans.

The boy was partially excusable, though barely. He obviously had serious issues, and didn't seem all that bright. Given what Batman had just heard about this 'Holy Grail War', that terrified him. It could be so easy for the boy to make so many stupid decisions that would make this already-shaping-up-to-be-bad situation even worse.

As if on cue, he heard the boy sneeze as he returned from the bathroom.

Figuring the youngsters were leaving now, Batman moved back to the rear entrance. Though this was likely an excellent time to challenge this 'priest'– and he didn't need to be religious to know there was something extremely fishy about this 'Kirei'. Come to think of it, when was the last time he went to church for something that wasn't a funeral, a case, or to intimidate some priest for info?– some instinct warned him it wasn't a good idea. The man had admitted he had been a Master during the last, supposedly disastrous war. It wasn't unreasonable to think he would have magical attack capabilities. He'd need to make some preparations. Besides, it would be easier to do some more independent research.

As much as he hated the idea. Bruce Wayne hated magic.

He stepped out the back and heard the teenagers heading back home. Only after making sure the priest wouldn't be attacking them from the back or otherwise setting them up, he slapped a couple of monitoring devices where he figured they wouldn't be seen, even accounting for the tendency of Japanese superheroes to stand on top of any tall, thin object they could get their feet on, like lampposts and telephone poles. Then he went back to putting the fear of God into the superstitious and cowardly criminal lot of the city…

Shirou dreamed, a dream not his own.

On a hill of swords and dead bodies, under a blood red sky and a burning setting sun, the darkness quickly approaching, they clashed brutally, again and again, steel clanging repeatedly in vicious collisions, armored bodies strained far beyond average human endurance. Helmets shattered long ago, identical gore splattered faces staring at each other through swollen eyes, Saber and another young woman were the last two combatants standing on the cursed battlefield.

"Why won't you surrender!" the other girl screamed, struggling to keep the tears at bay. "You've lost everything, while no matter what, I'll keep my hatred! Let go of your pride, Father! The kingdom is lost, you… I… It doesn't matter anyone, who keeps it…" she wheezed, coughing up crimson splurts while madly stabbing ahead, each motion more erratic and jerky than the last. "We have brought ruin upon it… everything is gone…"

Saber did not reply with words but kept on pressing her attack, even though she was dying herself. Her face, unlike the other female's, seemed devoid of any emotion, obscured both by the bangs of her unkempt gold hair and the blood caked on her features. As ever, her silence only further enraged her opponent, who fought on, drawing strength from weakness, intent on killing her at last.

"Why do you hate me so much, Father?!" her enemy howled, mad with sorrow and, perhaps, fear. "Why did you always hate me, even before I did anything wrong?! I was not my mother! I shouldn't have paid the price for her sins, Father!"

"You are wrong," Saber hissed, chillingly quiet in tone but harshly cruel in delivery, as her spear went into the other blonde's body armor, successfully cracking through it. She pushed her back, literally lifting her off her feet as blood was puked on her. "Not once did I despise you. There was only one reason I would not give you the throne. You didn't have the capacity of a King!"

The lethally wounded young woman clenched her teeth in the pain of agony, feeling as the blessed tip of the spear pierced into her flank, perforating between two ribs and then curving upside, causing even more untold pain. If anything, that only further fueled her rage, as she made her final move by stabbing her damned blade into Saber's chest. "And you did?!" she demanded, then pulled herself back, dropping on her stomach, gasping insanely for air.

"I don't know," Saber said just as quietly, holding a hand to her wound for a moment, and then staggering to turn around, turning her back on her foe. Her shoulders shagged, and she stared into nothingness, perhaps crying in silence over everything that should have been done but was not.

The bitter enemy sobbed pitifully, unsatisfied at the answer, and tried to reach up with a gauntlet for the person she had placed the whole of her faith on, attempting for one final touch, for at least one warm contact with her once beloved father. But Saber just stood there, still, out of her reach, and her killer simply collapsed with a last whimper, closing her eyes and giving up at last.

Saber dropped on her knees, barely holding onto her massive spear, and trembled in the fiercest cold she had ever felt, until she felt, through the increasing blindness taking over her, a lone figure slowly approaching. One of her knights, perhaps the last of them, in still functional armor, staggering but clearly not in any immediate risk of death. And so she felt good for her, and allowed herself one final smile.

"Bedevere," she said fondly, as she knelt before her, to gently cradle her body against hers. She heard her heartfelt apology, and then surrendered to that haze of the unknown dream.

Shirou woke up with a violent gasping start, eventually calming his ragged breath and looking at a nearby futon. Sure enough, Saber was sleeping there, as she had insisted on making camp right next to his window, claiming she needed to protect him. This was complicated by the fact that his little sister and adopted sister had both insisted on 'chaperoning' and had crawled into his bed with him, leaving it rather crowded, since they'd both latched on to one of his arms and hadn't let go. It made it very hard to get a proper night's sleep.

Thankfully, Berserker hadn't crawled into the room with them, disappearing instead into its spirit form. It was an awfully convenient ability to have. Pity Saber couldn't do it…

The door downstairs slammed open. "Shirou! Illya-chan! Kuro-chan! We're home...!" Irisviel von Einzbern-Emiya sing-sang into the otherwise silent house.

Both little girls on the bed jerked upright, clashing against their brother and resulting in a three-head pileup that left bumps all around. Meanwhile, Saber managed to make the transition from 'dead to the world' to 'ready to kick ass and take names' in approximately the time it took them to hear the door slam.

"S-Saber, no!" Shiro managed to say. "It's just our parents! Calm down!"

Saber frowned at him, looking a bit troubled, but before she could say anything, there was an enthusiastic pounding up the stairs, and they heard a door slam open on their floor. "Illya-chan! Kuro-chan! Rise and shine my dears, mommy's ba– huh? Where did they go? SHIROU! DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SISTERS ARE?"

Saber's head slowly turned to track the source of the voice. Her eyes were wide, as if in recognition.

There were a series of loud steps, and suddenly the door of Shirou's room flew open, banging against the wall, rebounding, hitting the open palm of the silver haired, purple-clad beautiful woman who'd opened it and slamming back on the wall again. "Shiro-kun! Wakey-wakey! Do you know where your sisters are? Oh, there they are! Shirou, Illya, Kuro, the three of you haven't been going beyond the bounds of your brother-sisters relationship and doing unspeakably indecent adult things to each other, have you?"

"M-Mom!" Illya cried in protest, arms waving frantically and smacking Shiro uon the nose. "Don't say such lewd things!" Boy, I wish! she thought.

"Boy, do I wish," Kuro muttered under her breath, which Shirou conveniently failed to hear because, well, Illya had just hit him.

Saber stared at the woman, wide-eyed and slack jawed. Her invisible sword, which had appeared out of nowhere and technically still needed to actually appear, clattered to the floor from her limp hands.

"Oh?" Iri said, turning at the sound. "Shirou-kun, you naughty boy, you even had a girl over in your room for the night while we were away! Naughty-naughty, Shirou-kun! Especially with your sisters her– eh? Saber-chan? Is that you?"

"Irisviel…" Saber said softly, voice low and dramatic.

At least, that was the idea. She actually managed to get as far as "Irisvi–" before Iris suddenly squealed, leaping forward to glomp on to the surprised Saber and hitting her with the force of a small truck. "Saber-chan!" Iri squealed, making the glass creak ominously, the neighborhood dogs bark, and causing Kuro to trace a pair of earplugs for herself. "It's YOU! I never thought I'd see you again! What are you doing sleeping in my son's room?"

"Y-Your son?-!-?-!-?-!" Saber managed to sputter out.

Before Iri could reply, a voice outside the door said, "Iri-chan, could you please keep it down? You know that's not good for the dogs..."

Saber froze, and Iri, surprised at the sudden change in mood of her old friend and Servant from long ago, hesitantly let her go. Her husband stepped through the door, took in the tableau and froze.

"Emiya Kiritsugu, PREPARE TO DIE!" Saber cried, grabbing her sword off the floor.

"Oh, crap," Kiritsugu managed to say before a Servant pissed off with his last order to her charged at him.

"Yo, Master, I'm here with your report," she called out as she materialized in the room, interrupting Matou Shinji as he went over his carefully laid plans and schemes, and making him groan in a mixture of annoyance and relief, since at least it distracted him from his bad case of mastermind's block. "You're not looking at porn again, are you?"

"No, Rider, I'm not," the slim, mostly handsome young man with the bad case of purple seaweed hair turned his chair around, frowning at the Legendary Spirit who had just shown up in his studio. "What do you have to say?"

"Well, I've been watching over the Tohsaka lass as you asked me to. It was difficult, since she's damn good at sensing you from afar, and more than once, I was sure she'd caught up on me. Luckily," she grinned evilly, summoning an old naval telescope in her hands, "I've got my means to keep a distance!"

Shinji nodded irritably. "Yes, yes, that's good and all, but what's she been doing?!"

Rider shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing out of the ordinary. I'm pretty sure she has a Servant, that much I could feel..."

"She would have to, she's Tohsaka Rin, Little Miss Perfect, after all," Shinji frowned, angrily gnawing on his knuckles. "Maybe we should start tailing Emiya," he added reluctantly. "But he's the Magus Killer's son after all, he must be counting on that and setting a trap for us," Shinji brooded, starting to pace back and forth before her. "Damn it all! I only hope he won't get a Servant, but I'm sure the man must have adopted him for a good reason!"

"Still stuck, huh?" the Servant said, leaning back against a wall with her arms folded. "If you ask me, we should forget those kids for the time being, and start looking for the rest of the Servants. Your old man will be mad if we won't show him anything soon."

"You don't need to remind me!" Shinji despaired, taking both hands to his head. "Dammit, I don't even know where to start! What if it's the Headmaster? I can't fucking win against the fucking Grandmaster of Kanto!"

"Of course you can't, good thing I'm the one fighting, not you," Rider grumbled.

"Don't get smart with me, you, you- Ah! That's it! Smart!" he came to a sudden halt. "Of course, how didn't I figure it out before?!"

"You didn't figure what; that you can't win because you're not smart?" Rider snarked.

"No, no, think about it! Why would Merdiana send a frigging child teacher here, right before a Grail War breaks out?!" Shinji began laughing shakily. "It's so obvious! The son of the Thousand Master! Of course he'd be super gifted, but unlike Tohsaka, he's just a brat, he'll be easy to outsmart..."

"I should hope so, Master, although one never knows with you," Rider deadpanned.

"Rider!" Shinji pointed at her, grinning maniacally. "Since you're weak and you can't face a Servant of a Springfield heads-on, we'll be sneaky! You'll go and kidnap one of the twerp's beloved students and use her as bait for him! Everyone knows he's soft hearted for those little crazy bitches, he'll lower his guard and we'll strike at his Achilles' heel!"

"Screw you, I'm not weak!" she protested. "And seriously, kidnapping!? Are you telling me of all people to stoop that low?"

Shinji rolled his eyes back in irritation. "Okay, and if you won't do that, what do you suggest we should do?"

"..." Rider said.

"..." Shinji replied.

Rider sighed. "Fine! When in doubt, always resort to the classics!"

To be Continued.