Fate is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.
All other franchises and characters mentioned within this story are the intellectual properties of their respective copyright and trademark holders.
FATE: Realta Nua of 2814.
Based on the original by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Saber froze, and Iri, surprised at the sudden change in mood of her old friend and Servant from long ago, hesitantly let her go. Her husband stepped through the door, took in the tableau and froze.
"Emiya Kiritsugu, PREPARE TO DIE!" Saber cried, grabbing her sword off the floor.
"Oh, crap," Kiritsugu managed to say before a Servant pissed off with his last order to her charged at him.
"Saber, no!" Shirou cried, moving to intercept her. Well, he tried, anyway. He got tangled up in his blankets, Illya and Kuro and fell off his bed, dragging the two girls with him. They ended up in a heap, Kuro's head on his crotch, and Illya's crotch on his face.
Somewhere else in Mahora, Yuuki Rito sneezed and woke up. "Someone's stealing from me...?" he sensed for some reason, before shrieking upon realizing Lala Satalin Deviluke was naked in his bed.
Wires of energy flicked through the air, wrapping around Saber's sword and hands and pulling the Servant up short, nearly pulling her off her feet. "No Saber-chan, no killing my husband," Irisviel chided pleasantly. "Mommy wants to get laid this morning, and besides, he's the only one who knows how to get Avalon out!"
"MOM!" Illya cried. "Too much information!" She abruptly became conscious of what she was straddling, and looked down, blushing. "AH! Shirou-niichan! Don't look at me there!" Then she looked a little lower. "KURO! Pull Oniichan's pants back up!"
"Make me," Kuro said, her hair falling down in a curtain to cover up what she was doing.
Irisviel effortlessly picked Kuro up, who pouted. "Now, now, Kuro-chan, breakfast first! You need to eat healthy so you can be big and bouncy like Mommy!" she said, cupping her breasts to demonstrate.
Kiritsugu coughed nervously as his son tried to staunch the flow of blood down his nose. "Um, hello Saber. It's been a while. I guess it's too much to hope you don't remember the last War the way another Servant would, wouldn't?"
"Yes," Saber said coldly. She considered it dispassionately, then decided it wouldn't soil her honor to insult him in the harshest way she knew how. "You Frenchman! Ni! Ni!"
Kiritsugu winced at the triple invective. "I can explain…"
"But over breakfast!" Irisviel interrupted. "Mommy and her little purple boxes want pancakes! Sella! Leysritt!"
"Pancakes are at 100 percent, ma'am!" Leysritt cried from downstairs. "Maple syrup at optimum!"
"So much fat! So many calories!" Sella wailed.
Illya frowned. "I've lost track. Is it a school day?"
Shirou blinked. "Mom? You can use magic too!? Since when?"
Saber, still tied up, turned to glare at Kiritsugu. "Your son is an idiot. I blame you."
They'd just sat down to breakfast when the front door opened, and Rin's voice cried, "Emiya! Illya! We need to discuss your Servants!"
"In here, Rin!" Kuro cried cheerfully.
"AH! Tohsaka! How dare you attack this house! Clearly, you wish to take advantage of Sherou's naïveté and bind him to your will or kill him! Well, I won't have it! Lancer, attack! Miyu, sneak attack!"
"Damned gaijin! Archer, kick her ass!"
There was the click of chains, and the world seemed to grow darker. Considering it was a bright, sunny day, that was significant.
"Damn you Illya, get your Servant to stand down! I'm on your side! Attack Luvia!" Rin's voice cried.
"LIES! I'm here for you Sherou! Saber, Illya, help me take care of Rin!" Luvia's voice cried.
Miyu walked into the dining room, wearing her school uniform and looking very embarrassed.
"Hey, Miyu-chan," Illya said, moving a little to make room for the girl. "Pancakes?"
"Thank you," Miyu said quietly, and the two tried to share a chair. "Berserker has Rin and Luvia held up. Shirou-san, can you ask them not to fight? Lancer and Archer seem to be considering it. Good morning Irisviel-san, Kiritsugu-san, Saber-san, Leysritt-san, Sella-san. And Kuro."
"Aw, Miyu, you do think intimate thoughts about me!" Kuro cooed. "Using just my name in yobisute!"
Miyu glared at her. Kuro waggled her tongue suggestively.
Archer and Lancer entered the dining room, looking embarrassed as Rin and Luvia were carried in by the hulking form of Berserker. He had them slung over a shoulder, kicking and punching at his mass, like a colossal caveman. He seemed more human somehow and less a prehistoric abomination in the light. He was still frickin' scary though. Rin and Luvia glared at each other as he shifted them into his hands, which were holding the two girls like they were coke bottles.
Irisviel sighed. "Honestly, Shirou, we leave you alone for one day and you and your sister manage to summon Servants, get involved in a Holy Grail War and meet up with two other Masters! Couldn't you have just called your friends, had a party, tried smoking and drinking, and lost your virginities like normal teenagers?"
"MOTHER!" Illya cried.
"Not to each other, sweetie," Irisviel said. "Not unless you really want to."
Berserker looked up to the heavens. With Rin and Luvia in each hand, the pose was strangely reminiscent of Darth Vader's narmiest scene. You could feel him asking "Why me?"
In truth, he was actually consulting his father on the subject. Was he still okay with this kind of thing?
Kiritsugu quietly ate his pancakes, trying to ignore Saber's constant glare. He turned to the girls. "So, how do you know Shirou and Illya, girls?"
"I know them from school," Shirou said.
"Rin drafted me to become a magical girl," Illya said.
"What? It was Tohsaka!?" Shiro cried. He stared at Rin, who squirmed slightly.
"What is so bad about that?" Saber said. She was cutting up her pancakes suspiciously, but still ate them readily enough. "Back in my day, we would build whole kingdoms based on the heroism of underage soldiers. Why, I was a squire myself when I was still Illya's age..."
"Ah, so that's what that was," Irisviel said. "I'd been wondering about that." She turned to the two slightly out-of-their-element male Servants. "Would you like some breakfast?"
Lancer looked at his Master, at the table, at the other Servants and shrugged. "Sure, why not? It smells very nice."
"Thank you!" Leysritt said.
"Rin hasn't fed me yet anyway," Archer said, also taking a seat. The table was now quite crowded.
"You're a Servant, you don't need to eat food!" Rin pointed out.
"So?" Archer said. "It's the asking that counts. It's only polite."
"Illya-chan, could you please tell your Servant to put those girls down? Girls, pull up those stools. Would you three like pancakes?" Irisviel offered the two magi and the big Servant. Berserker ignored the offer, plopping down to sit on the floor behind Illya as the two teenaged girls pulled up stools, ending up sitting next to the two maids since Saber was firmly seated on one side of Shirou and Illya sat on the other. "Oh well! Syrup, girls?"
"Thank you, Ma'am!" the two said.
"Now, who'd like to explain what's going on first?" Irisviel said.
They'd had to order Shirou to shut up and just eat his pancakes since he felt to question and derail every revelation that came out. Rin and Luvia reluctantly revealed their connections to the Clock Tower Association. They eyed Kiritsugu, fully aware of his reputation, even after all these years. Things like being called the 'Magus Killer' stayed with a person.
Miyu, Kuro and Illya explained about how they'd become Magical Girls– which earned Rin and Luvia a level look from Kiritsugu, not to mention Shirou and Archer. Even Lancer was faintly disapproving– recounting how they'd fought the 'Class Cards' and then the zany misadventures that resulted when they'd tried to stabilize Mahora's Earth Pulse and accidentally created Kuro.
"Wait," Shirou interrupted, a trickle of syrup trailing down one side of his mouth. "Didn't Mom and Dad already know about this?"
"First time I've heard about it," Kiritsugu said.
"Oh, that's why the three of you were in cosplay that time I drove by!" Irisviel said.
"But, if you didn't know, why did you adopt Kuro?" Shirou asked.
"Her idea," Kiritsugu said, pointing at his wife.
"She was so CUTE!" Irisviel exclaimed.
Illya and Shirou's heads thumped against the table.
It was when detailing recent events that things got more exciting. Apparently, becoming a Magical Girl wasn't so big a shock when you come from a family of Magi, but…
"You've met Superman?" Kiritsugu exclaimed, wide-eyed.
"You've met Green Lantern?" Shirou exclaimed, equally loud.
"You've met NAGI SPRINGFIELD!?" Irisviel cried, practically orgasmic. "Is it true what they say, that he was a foot-long pen–"
"MOM!" Illya cried, clamping her hands on her ears.
"Mom, it's not Nagi Springfield the Thousand Master, it's his son, Negi," Kuro said. "He teaches at the school."
"Oh..." Irisviel said, disappointed.
Luvia and Rin stared at Illya. "Wait, that's who that was?" Rin asked, wide-eyed.
"He's just a little egghead from... Ireland, I think?" Illya said. "So he's smart and his father was a famous mage, so what? So are you, Dad. What's the big deal?"
The girls and her parents told them. In detail. The Servants listened eagerly.
"WHAT?" Illya, Kuro and Miyu exclaimed. "HIS FATHER SAVED THE WORLD TWICE, AND HIS WIFE AND A QUEEN WHOSE BEEN FALSELY ACCUSED OF DESTROYING THE WORLD, AND IS ACTUALLY THE HEIR OF A MAGIC KINGDOM ON ANOTHER WORLD?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!"
"Don't repeat what everyone just said. That's dumb as heck," Shirou said, feeling like he'd just gotten some of his own back.
"You actually met the Thousand Master in person, Kiritsugu-san? Is it true he was as manly as people say?" Rin asked eagerly.
"Did he really have a harem?" Luvia asked. "Did he actually sleep with a thousand women? Will his son take after him, in your opinion?"
"And why are you so interested all of a sudden? Thinking about seducing a mere child now?" Rin snapped at her rival.
"Oh, he's not more of a child than you, with those shrunken little things!" Luvia shot back. "Unlike you, people like us have TALENT!"
Boing!
Somewhere, Kino Makoto sneezed.
Lancer leaned to Archer as Rin froze. "This isn't the time, I know, but I have to ask: is insulting a woman's breasts still a killing offense among them?"
"Yes," Archer said. "Yes, it is."
"Shit. And I was just enjoying breakfast, too."
"Why you…!" Rin growled, lunging at Luvia.
Irisviel squirted syrup on them. They paused, blinking at her. "Now now, if you two are going to fight and start tearing each other's clothes apart before suddenly melting into a frenzy of lesbian sex, you need to be thorough. And since we don't have jello…"
"And this, son, is why I married your mother," Kiritsugu informed Shirou sagely as the two of them developed nosebleeds.
Saber sighed. What had she done to deserve this?
And then more exposition came.
"Wait, you're cooperating with Green Lantern, the White Devil and the Sailor Senshi," Rin ignored Sella, Leysritt and Irisviel's fangirl squeals, "to form some kind of Magical Girl Association? Why haven't you told us about this!?"
"She doesn't like being called 'White Devil'..." Miyu offered lamely.
"I tried to, but I couldn't contact you! You were apparently off doing something else," Illya eyed Archer and Lancer.
"I'm in!" Luvia cried. "To be in the same group as the Sailor Senshi? Definitely!"
"So you two will stop fighting and work to assist each other as Magical Girls?" Magical Ruby, on Illya's shoulder and now introduced, asked.
The two smiled widely. It wasn't pretty.
"Absolutely!" Luvia blatantly lied.
"Of course!" Rin agreed, just as honest.
"You two are sucky liars," Magical Sapphire commented.
"Now it's your turn!" Illya declared pointing at her parents. Kiritsugu began looking a bit nervous. "Where do you two fit in all this? How does Saber know you?"
"Dad's been teaching me magic, so I know he's a magus," Shirou added. "But he made me promise not to tell Illya and Mom. I assumed they didn't know."
Irisviel glared at her husband. "That's what you've been doing instead of cleaning the shed or pulling out Avalon? Teaching Shirou magic? Kiritsugu!"
"I wanted him to know how to defend himself," Kiritsugu said lamely. "This is Mahora, after all, and we're technically still at war with Honnouji."
"Wait," Saber said flatly. "What was that about Avalon!?"
Irisviel thrust a finger at her husband. "Genius here put it in Shirou to heal some of his wounds as a child and hasn't gotten around to getting it out yet!"
Saber leveled a glare at Kiritsugu. "Ah. That's why I've been summoned. I suppose you left a summoning circle in the shed?"
"Is that thing still there?" Kiritsugu said nervously. "I thought I'd cleaned that up already…"
"Stop stalling!" Illya declared. "It's your turn to explain!"
Irisviel sighed. "Well, Illya-chan, it's like this. We know Saber-chan from the last Holy Grail War from ten years ago… you know, I'm not really much good at talking about this."
"Mom!" Illya cried. Kuro went to get some ice-cream from the freezer.
"So I made a movie!" Irisviel cried, pulling out a DVD. "Come on, let's go to the living room and watch!"
"But… don't we have school?" Illya doubted.
"Oh, forget school," Irisviel declared, skipping to the living room. "I never went to school, and look how I turned out!"
Those who needed to go to school watched her warily.
"It's rated R-18," Irisviel waved the DVD.
"YAY!" Kuro cried, pulling Illya and Miyu after her.
Archer and Lancer looked at each other as the others reluctantly followed. "I've killed a lot of people," Lancer said. "You?"
"Probably the same," Archer agreed. "Amnesia, remember? However, I think this is a lot worse than we deserve…"
...
3…
2…
1…
Irisviel films presents
…
FATE/ZERO!
"Eh? What kind of a title is that?" Illya asked. "Zero what?"
Starring…
IRISVIEL VON EINZBERN!
"Mom, stop pretending to be the star!" Illya complained.
"But I am the star!"
"Why did you call it 'Zero'?" Luvia asked warily. "Were you expecting to film more of these?"
"Shh, it's starting!" Kuro hushed. "Pass the popcorn!"
They watched the movie. There was the line-up of seven Servants. First of all, Saber in her blue dress and armor. Then, a golden armored man that was identified as Archer, and made their own Archer growl for some reason. A group of black-clad, skull-faced figures collectively were called Assassin. A pretty-looking man with two spears was Lancer.
"Wow," Kuro commented. "You Lancers really like walking around looking like manwhores, don't you?"
"Hey!" Lancer protested. "You're one to talk!"
"Well, duh!" Kuro said.
There was an enormous, solid-looking man labeled as Rider. A sinister, wild eyed man with slicked back hair and greasy skin, was Caster. A black knight in eerie armor that completely covered him was Berserker.
"GRRRRWWWFFFFF!" Berserker said, frowning deeply, while Saber's lips tightened and her hands balled up into fists on her lap.
Then there was the lineup of Masters. Kiritsugu was one, but also…
"Hey, that's our dad!" Rin exclaimed. "Dad had a pimp beard! I'd forgotten all about that... And Uncle Kariya!" She paused to consider, looking at Kiritsugu. "This movie is going to suck for me, isn't it?"
"Most likely," Saber said, glaring sideways to Kiritsugu.
"AH! CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!" Illya cried when Kirei's picture appeared.
Irisviel patted her on the back. "There there, it's all right. He can't hurt you!"
There was action. There were Servants flying planes. There were things that were most probably made up. There was beam spam. There was death. There was fire. There were the screams of the dying…
"The End!" Irisviel cried, forcefully ejecting the DVD. "And what did we learn today, children?"
They all sat in horrified silence.
"This Holy Grail War-thing is fucked up," Kuro said, speaking for all of them. "Pass the popcorn, I need to hurl!"
"That wasn't so bad after all, other than the parts with Caster. And the final fire, can't forget the final fire. Ever," Shirou shrugged blandly. "I mean, all of them already paid for their crimes, didn't they?"
Sella and Leysritt stared at him in muted horror.
"No fighting…" Illya whimpered, curled against Miyu, who was wide-eyed and frozen. "No fighting…!"
Irisviel smiled widely at the other older girls. Rin was clutching the pillow in her hands tightly, and Luvia was hugging her knees. "Oh, I think the poor dears are broken," Irisviel said.
Among them, only Kiritsugu and the Servants seemed mostly unaffected, though that was mostly because their faces were blank masks. And in the case of Berserker, because he had actually fallen asleep in his sitting position, a huge snot bubble blowing in and out of his nose. The soundtrack had periodically been interrupted with the terrible, primal sound of his low snoring.
Irisviel looked at the time. "So, who's up for lunch?"
Gilgamesh, First of Heroes, King of Champions, lounged about in Kirei's guest room, watching episodes of Friends and Drew Carey. It was better than Seinfeld. Kramer had to die.
Medea shored up the World Tree, gathering mana from the city slowly but non-lethally. She had no desire to run into those 'Magical Girls' who had been running around from some time ago. All she wanted was to live peacefully with her husband-to-be. Was that too much to ask…?
There were good and bad things about being in the Drama Club, as there are in everything, and Murakami Natsumi always tried her best to not be, well, a drama queen about it. She would give her clubmates the benefit of the doubt whenever they would draw straws to see who'd end up cleaning the stage after practices, and if Natsumi was the one the most often tasked with such duties, well, Natsumi would stomach it out and not jump into pointless accusations she never could win, even if dammit, by now she really wanted to argue for a normal system of taking turns per day of the month.
The fact her clubmates were all actresses and actors at least as qualified as she was made it difficult to tell whether they ever cheated or not, in any instance.
Regardless, another day of practice and then cleaning was done already, and the petite, short haired and frecked girl had finished setting the broom, mop and bucket in the storage room. She was locking the theater up from the outside when she realized she was being watched from a certain distance. Since it was late, her first instinct was to grow panicky, but seeing the person watching her from not so afar was a woman calmed her down, somewhat. Not so much, since she studied with Haruna and lived with Chizuru after all. But a little at least.
The woman was tall and rather reminiscing of Chizuru in figure, but with a more casual, indolent attitude to her standing position. Too mature looking to be a contemporary of Natsumi, so she guessed she had to be a senior, perhaps even a college student. She had long and wavy hot pink hair, with an even longer red coat that generously showed off her large cleavage, plus tight white pants, and tall black boots. She had beautiful blue eyes, and around her neck, there was a brown choker collar almost attached to her vest. A long, but thin enough as to not disturb her overall beauty, scar crossed her smiling face diagonally.
"Oi!" the woman greeted Natsumi with a wide, jaunty smile and wave of hand, walking slowly towards the petite junior with a playful, mayhaps drunken sway to her steps. "Good afternoon, is this the Theater Club of Mahora?"
"Um, y-yes, how do you do," Natsumi said warily, looking up and down at the bustier female's quite accomplished choice of getup. "You… You are here for an audition, aren't you, Senpai? I… I must congratulate you on your costuming, but we aren't having any pirate plays for the Festival, we're aiming for a younger audience this year…"
"Don't you say," the attractive lady grinned, stopping shortly before her, hands on her hips. "What a pity! Your name's Murakami Natsumi, right?"
Natsumi blinked, surprised at the exact wording of the question. Having strangers in costumes asking for the Club was an everyday Mahora occurrence, having someone come specifically asking for her name was unheard of. Could this be… her first ever fan? She nodded slow and rigidly. "Uh, uh-huh, and you would happen to be, Miss…"
"Call me Rider, just Rider," the woman placed a fist on her own chest. "Are you a student of Professor Negi Springfield?"
"Y-Yes, I am…"
"He of the local English Research Society?"
"Last time I heard, yes, but why…"
"Just to be sure, there are a lot of eccentric kids in that club, too, all of them spending a lot of time away from you guys doing secretive, hush-hush stuff that has everyone gossiping really juicy stuff, right?"
Natsumi already was squinting in mild disgust at this slimy oneesan who saw fit to keep up with the junior high rumor mill when a set of particularly nasty memories resurfaced. "Oh, I, I think I see now… You're here to settle something or another with Negi-sensei, aren't you? Y-You aren't related to what with went on in Kyoto, right? L-Look, if you're looking for Konoka-san…"
"I don't know anything about any Kyoto," the woman shrugged that off, interrupting the terrified Natsumi, "but yes, I guess you could say I'm here because of this Negi lad. My Master, you'll see, has a suspicion about him and sent me along to, shall we say, fish around for a response from him, do you get my point here, Hon?"
"N-Not exactly, I'm sorry, b-but I can give you, I mean him, a message from him, I mean you, as soon as you, I mean I, see him, I mean him, tomorrow in classes, since you'll let me go, won't you…"
Rider sighed deep and sadly. "I'm afraid I won't, no. Nothing personal, it's just, well, Master is kind of too much of a coward to go out and directly face this lad, see? So, since the word is he cares so much about all of his students, we figured out safest bet to lure him to us would be going after of you, but not one who could fight back, no offense meant, kid."
"Ah. But I'm going to start screaming for help now."
"We'll be gone long before you're even finished," Rider told her, almost sympathetically, and lunged on her.
To be Continued.