Hey everybody,

we're back in rhythm and after having a little detour to the Sabaody Archipel we're back at the Thousand Sunny ;-)

Have fun and see you next weekend^^

Chapter 5 – Guilt

-Zoro-

He looked at the burning island not far from the Thousand Sunny. A small voice in the back of his mind tried to remind him how he had felt such flames before, how they had burnt his skin, his throat, but he confidently ignored it.

It would be understandable if the sight of the island would fill him with fear, would take away his breath, but it didn't. Zoro looked at this island, conscious of what had happened more than two years ago, and wondered what new adventure was awaiting them.

These flames still radiated a strange fascination; he knew exactly how they felt, knew their heat all too well, but they didn't frighten him.

During his time on Kuraigana, Zoro had often ended up in front of the fireplace and during the ultimate training of the Shichibukai he had also faced wild flames and had also been made to overcome any form of fear that may have still existed.

So now he was watching them, while his crewmembers were discussing whether or not to go ashore, feeling unusually absent. It was kind of strange that the first island on this side of the Red Line, which he would reach with his crewmembers, was burning just like the last island on the other side of the Red Line, where he had been separated from the others.

If he were a person who believed in fate, this sight would probably be like a reminder to him, but if he was totally honest, he only wondered if his luck would be put to the test again today.

Some of the others had decided that they would draw lots to decide who would accompany Luffy to the burning land and when he looked at his own lot, Zoro smiled. He couldn't wait to challenge his luck.

Maybe this island was his opportunity, his chance. After the disappointing battle on the Fishman Island, it might be a burning island again, where he would be able to make up for his mistakes from back then by looking after his captain but also himself this time. Maybe he was lucky enough to finally be able to fight a fight that wouldn't bore him. The annoying Shichibukai would probably call it fate, but Zoro just called it luck.

At the same time, he was very much aware of the annoying looks he had been trying to ignore for hours, while Robin also showed her lot with a soft smile and Usopp next to her seemed to have a heart attack.

The strange natural phenomenon, that had taken them off their course and brought them here, had only distracted the other for a few minutes, but now Zoro could feel this staring again.

Eye-rolling, he once again decided to ignore the cook. He had no desire to deal with the annoying curly brow. No matter how mad he was glaring at Zorro, huffing every now and then, as long as he did not open his mouth and say what kind of problem he had, Zoro would ignore him. It was not his job to take care of the cook's problems and if he believed that Zoro was impressed by such behavior, then he was terribly mistaken.

It was not for nothing that Zoro had lived for two years under the hard gaze of Hawk Eyes, compared to these eyes he was no more interested in the staring of the cook than the gaze of a seagull flying by.

Zoro was not planning on helping the other with whatever his problem was. For this, he lacked both the patience and the interest, so he decided that the burning island would be a nice change of scenery, where he would not have to worry about the cook, at least for a short time.

But when he finally left the Sunny, he could still feel those eyes and this quiet voice, which had already annoyed him before, was back in his mind and asked him how long he could continue to lie to his crew – his friends – and if he wasn't just making it worse.

Maybe the cook knew something, maybe that's why he stared at him all the time, trying to merge the image of the lovely Lady Loreen with the pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro. A cold shiver ran over his back when the first heat wave of the flames reached him.

Unlike Brook, he was sure, the cook wouldn't stay low if he found proof of his assumptions, and unlike Brook, the cook wouldn't hesitate to initiate the others, would he?

Zoro didn't know.

After Thriller Bark, Sanji had not said anything, had not mentioned that Zoro had been so shamefully weak that he had only been able to save Luffy by offering his own life. At that time, Sanji had remained silent, not even bringing it up to him.

Suddenly, Zoro remembered it again. Even then, the cook had eyed him so strangely. He hadn't really noticed it because he had been struggling with his own problems, but now he remembered it clear as day. When he had woken up, when he had torn off the bandages and started to train, but also in their shared cell, during their escape, even on the burning tower, Sanji had always stared at him, sometimes subtly, sometimes blatantly.

Shrugging his shoulders, Zoro did the same as his captain and pulled out his lunchbox, ignoring the unsaid warning about how unwise it would be to eat right now.

It was useless to worry about the cook. Who knew what the curly brow was thinking, and whatever his problem was, as long as he did not address it, Zoro did not see any reason for himself having to deal with it.

So he ignored Usopp's whining and looked forward to the burning island. Yes, he had a good feeling that on this island he would be able to prove to himself that he was no longer the man from two years ago.

His gaze fell on Luffy, who happily inhaled his food and seemed as carefree as ever.

Yes, today was the day when Zoro would take on the role, he had entrusted to the cook back then, because he had thought that he would no longer be able to shoulder it himself.

At that time, he had failed, had lastly failed on the G-6 after Thriller Back and the Senichi Islands, but now he would settle this shame and maybe, just maybe, he would get the chance of an interesting fight.

-Sanji-

Impatiently, he chewed on the filter of his cigarette. The burning island just a stone's throw in front of them made him restless, filled him with images of the past.

Just right now, he detested the smell of the flames, abhorred the flickering of their light and how they discolored the sky and licked the sea. The screaming voice over the transponder snail echoed in his head, accompanied by the other dying voices that haunted him almost every night, and whenever he closed his eyes, he saw those damn soft eyes, the barely perceptible smile in front of him.

Live, Sanji!

He crushed the cigarette butt on his shoe heel and rubbed over his lower legs, feeling those countless small scars under his fingertips, which were still visible in bright light even now.

Then he grabbed his lighter and lit another cigarette.

Only a few minutes ago they had drawn lots and he did not know what had surprised him more, the incredible relief that he had not to go ashore with Luffy, or the even greater panic that Zoro had to and was seemingly even looking forward to it.

Now Sanji stood at the railing and stared at the burning island, after the tiny boat had vanished behind its flames.

Zoro seemed to be a better actor than Sanji had expected him to be. While they had come closer and closer to the island, the other had been visibly unimpressed, as if this image at the horizon had not reminded him of that terrible night of two years ago, as if the flames did not haunt him every night in his dreams.

Sanji felt guilty. When he had seen his lot, a much too heavy stone had fallen from his heart. Of course, he would have left if the lot had decided so, and of course he had become friends with the fire again during the last two years – as a cook he had no other choice – but when he had seen this burning island with its people screaming for help, it had reminded him so much of the G-6, and he had simply been grateful that he did not have to return to this hell.

So grateful that he hadn't thought of the swordsman for a second. When Sanji had looked up and had seen the red scrap of paper in Zoro's hand, his heart had almost stopped. He had been so selfish about his own lot that he hadn't even paid attention to the one person who probably least wanted to go ashore, apart from Usopp, of course.

Unsurprisingly, Zoro had not let his discomfort be noticed, had shown half a grin as often and thrown around some witty one-liners before he had followed Luffy, loyal as he was.

But Sanji was sure that his casual behavior was just a surprisingly good act. As limited and simple-minded as the other was, even the mosshead would not be able to look at a burning island without having to remember that time.

No, he didn't want to know what Zoro was going through right now. Sanji had even considered swapping spots with him, but he knew that Zoro would have been too proud to accept such an offer. No matter what Sanji would have said, Zoro would have been too stubborn to seize this opportunity, and of course Sanji did not want to expose him.

So he had watched as Zoro had disembarked without doing anything, and he was ashamed. He was ashamed that he did not do what Zoro had told him to do back then. He was ashamed that he once again left it to Zoro to protect the others, knowingly what a torment it must be for Zoro to come close to these flames. And he was ashamed that despite everything, he was just relieved that he was not the one who had to go with Luffy.

"Damn it!"

Slightly he hit his own thigh and turned away, could no longer watch these flames. He had thought he had become friends with this element again, especially as a cook he was actually quite familiar with the heat of the fire and in the last two years it had never really bothered him.

But here and now, with this setting in his back, which reminded him so much of that time two years ago, the images, the noises, the smells, the past seemed to catch up with him again. He believed he could smell burning flesh, believed he could still hear the screaming man over the transponder sail, could see the dancing flames in front of him even now with his eyes closed, and his lower legs began to itch nerve-wracking.

He took another deep draw from his cigarette, but the nicotine brought little. Of course, he knew he didn't have to worry about the others. They had all become so much stronger in the past two years and yet... fire was not an element that could be defeated with mere muscle power.

He had no doubt that they had all grown stronger during the last two years. He had no doubt that Zoro had grown stronger during the last two years. But no matter how strong the other might be, a burning island was not an opponent with a sword, a person with flaws and weaknesses. Just at that moment, the other was in the maw of a single force of nature, exposed to it all alone and...

Sanji interrupted his train of thoughts when he realized that all his concern was focused at the stupid Marimo, not Luffy, his captain, not Usopp, his friend, not even Robin, the dream of his sleepless nights. Until just now, he had hardly wasted a thought on the others.

Surprised, he stared at the cigarette in his hand. He had hardly noticed how Robin and Usopp had reacted to their lot, so busy he had been with his own relief and his concern for the swordsman.

Why did he even care about the damn mosshead in the first place?

In the past, he would never have done that. In the past, Sanji had never doubted that Zoro would survive even the most dangerous situation more or less unharmed – well, most of the time the guy walked around as bloody as if he was giving it away for free. Even now he was back, even though he had clearly fallen in front of Sanji's very own eyes.

So why couldn't he just naively accept like the others that nothing would kill the idiotic Marimo so easily and return to his everyday worries? So why was Sanji standing here now, turning his back on this burning island, and couldn't stop trembling because he was so... no, because he was actually truly afraid for the other?

"It doesn't make sense."

Surprised, he looked up. Just a few feet next to him, stood Nami, rubbing her forearms as if she were cold while looking at the burning island. The flames were reflected in her eyes and for a moment Sanji almost thought he could see unwept tears.

"It just doesn't make sense."

"Nami?"

Now she looked over at him and it was obvious that she had also not noticed that he had been standing there for a while.

"What are you talking about?"

Her eyes grew big for a second, then she shook her head and waved it off weakly, before she also turned away from the island and leaned against the railing. She took a deep breath, clearly showed how dissatisfied she was with the situation, but then she looked at Sanji and sighed softly.

"Zoro, of course, what else would I be talking about?"

Instantly, Sanji had to think back to the day they had learned of the annulment of Zoro's bounty. That day, it had been Nami who had reasoned with him and Robin when they had both persuaded themselves that this repeal had to have shady backgrounds, that would have only made sense to them if Zoro had survived. At that time, Sanji had been ashamed of his fantasies in retrospect and even now he had to admit that Nami's words were much more likely than his delusions at the time.

"So, you as well?" He only remarked and sighed, too. "I thought I was the only one who doubted my own mind. But you also think something's weird, right?"

She snorted softly.

"You mean, apart from the fact that the guy I watched die two years ago has been resurrected and pretends nothing had happened?"

Sanji just nodded and looked at her seriously. She hit the nail on the head.

"So he didn't say anything to you?"

"Oh, Sanji, as if he would turn to me. I think he would like us all to forget that incident very quickly and pretend that the G-6 never happened."

Now it was Sanji who turned around to see the burning island again. As if he could ever forget the G-6 and everything that had happened back then.

Live, Sanji!

As if he could ever forget those words.

"You mean like the others?" Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her nodding. "Do you really think that the others will accept Zoro's return that easily, just shrugging their shoulders and not questioning anything? Even they can't be so naïve and pretend that the past never happened."

He felt that she was looking at him.

"I think we all suffered vastly back then, Sanji, I don't think any of us can ever really forget those pictures. But..." She took a deep breath. "Over time, memories become weaker, they change. I still remember exactly how Zoro ripped the door of our cell off the hinges, but I wonder whether his pain-distorted face, the sweat on his forehead, the way he held his side all the time, whether it really happened that way or if I just persuaded myself, that he had already been so badly wounded from the fight against the Marines that he would not have survived the outbreak one way or another. Maybe he was really so badly injured, but maybe I just talked myself into believing it for the past two years, so that the burden became a little lighter, the guilt weighed a little less heavily."

Sanji shook his head. No, he knew exactly what he had seen. Yes, of course he was aware that memories could change over time, that the mind was playing tricks on what truly had happened and what one wanted to believe had happened, but that was not true for him. He had seen the wound – didn't persuade himself that he thought he had seen how bad it looked - had seen how Zoro had smiled at him, had told him to protect the crew but not become a monster himself under this burden.

Live, Sanji!

No, he certainly hadn't made up these words. All of this had happened exactly as he remembered it, right?

"I think the others feel the same way. Of course, we've all seen the tower crumble back then, but it just doesn't make sense if you look at it logically. Zoro is here, he is fine, ergo he cannot have died at that time. Ergo Luffy has been right from the beginning, ergo Lady Loreen and Hawk Eyes told the truth, ergo my own memories, which tell me that Zoro must have died at that night, must have been wrong. That's the only way it can make sense, that's the only way this whole shitty thing can make even halfway sense."

Sanji however disagreed. Yes, he had his doubts, yes, maybe his memories were blurred here and there, maybe he did not remember one or the other as it had actually happened, but he was sure that not his memories were the inconsistency in Zoro's mystical survival.

Live, Sanji!

No, he was quite sure that his memories were not the problem.

"At least that's what I'd like to say," Nami said with a sigh and also turned back to the island. "But the truth is that I can't accept as easily as the others that my memories are supposed to be wrong."

She stared at her clenched fist before she looked up to the flames again.

"No, I know exactly what I saw back then. I know that I was wondering how shitty he looked and that he probably had to be seriously injured because this stupid moron never comes out of a fight unharmed. I know that I hardly dared to disagree with him because I was so worried about him. I remember exactly how the gate behind Usopp fell shut and I just thought they'll be dead in a minute." Trembling, she shook her head and took a deep breath. "I remember the explosion, Luffy's unconscious face, the screams – sometimes I still hear them – and you on that tower. I remember exactly how you fell into the water and how the tower caught fire. I remember exactly how he stood there and then..."

Almost stunned, he looked at Nami. He had never heard her talk about it, at least not like that. Two years ago, Sanji had not wanted to talk about what had happened, had hardly been able to stand it when Luffy had repeatedly brought up Zoro.

Nami looked at him decisively and this time he knew she was struggling with the tears.

"It may be easier, but I'm not going to pretend like the others that the G-6 never happened, I can't. But Zoro won't talk about it, not with me, not with you, because he doesn't talk to anyone about his feelings, because in the end there isn't a single person with whom Zoro talks openly about his feelings because he's a stupid idiot. I even wanted to switch his lot, but he grabbed it before I was ready, such a stupid idiot."

So he wasn't the only one who had such thoughts.

"But that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if Zoro tells us the truth or not. It doesn't matter what's wrong with this whole story. It doesn't matter how he survived. Now he is back and I will do everything in my power to prevent something like this from happening again, whether he wants to or not. I don't care how many times I have to switch his lot or lie to him. I will never again allow us to lose him, no matter how he came back."

"Nami?"

Angry tears ran down her face and she just shook her head.

"I didn't even knew that..."

"What?" She shrugged her shoulders and rubbed her tears away. "That you're not the only one who blames themselves for that time? That you're not the only one to have sleepless nights because of one's own failure?"

"But, Nami, you..."

"I'm the navigator, Sanji. It's my job to know. It's my job to choose the best route and make sure we never lose course. I may not know what dangers can await us on any island, but... but I should have known that the Senichi Islands were not uninhabited. I should have known that a Marines base is just around the corner, not like it's a secret." Again she rubbed away her tears. "I decided that we would anchor because I thought a celebration on land would be nicer. Robin had also noted that we would have to expect more Marines so close to the Red Line. But after... after Thriller Bark I just wanted to have a nice evening."

"That's what we all wanted, Nami. You couldn't have known..."

"I knew it!" She shook her head decisively and her tears dried up. "I knew that a base had to be very close by and if I had taken the time to look it up, I would have known that it was the Senichi Islands. But I didn't do my job right. I wanted to have a quiet evening with no obligations and responsibilities and so I decided that we could anchor there without first checking my notes. I chose the smallest, bleakest island and claimed it was uninhabited."

She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Then she looked at Sanji quite blatantly and for that one second Sanji forgot to breathe.

"It was my fault, Sanji. I don't say this to get compassion or lenience. I don't need anyone to pat me on the back and say that I only meant well, that something like this could happen to anyone. I don't need Zoro to tell me he doesn't blame me." She pushed herself off the railing. "It's a fact that I failed in my position as a navigator and one thing led to another and in the end, we lost Zoro."

She looked over to him seriously again.

"So no, I don't doubt for a second what happened back then, because not a day goes by that I don't think about what I could have done differently back then. But I can't change the past. I can't change what happened then, and I can't change that Zoro is someone who is only too happy to throw himself into the line of fire. But I can act now and prevent Zoro from having to throw himself into the line of fire for me. I may not be as strong as he or you, but I can do my damn job right and not put him in situations where he tries to sacrifice himself for others. I can't stand in front of him like a shield and protect him like he would for me. But I'm tired of always being the one who needs to be protected by others, so I'll do everything I can to protect him, in case of doubt through lies and deceit if the truth doesn't work with this stubborn idiot."

Her directness and openness left him speechless. Sanji had never been aware of the burden under which Nami must have suffered the last two years. Back then she had held her ground much better than he himself. Sanji had never noticed that behind all the grief and despair there was also so much guilt and helplessness.

He was impressed by Nami's composure. Unlike him, who could not stop drowning by the past, she had decided to draw conclusions from it and to act differently than then.

"You're really strong," he quietly admitted, "I couldn't do it that way. I want to know the truth, I want to confront him and find out what really happened, because that would make things easier for me but you..."

Shaking his head, he smiled.

"But you just decided to help him in your own way. You know how stubborn he is and that he would never accept the help of others, so you do it in such a way that he does not notice, for which he will probably never thank you. I don't know if I could do that."

Now she also showed a soft smile and shrugged her shoulders.

"But Sanji, it's Zoro. It's not as if you could get him to talk to you with a few nice words. Even if I were to confront him, it wouldn't do anything good and I wouldn't be able to pay my debt like that, so I do it in my way and you should do it in yours. I mean, what else could you do? You can't just talk to him about it and, in case of doubt, provoke him until he spits out what happened."

With wide eyes, he looked after her as she waved it off with a half grin and walked towards the galley.

"They won't be back that fast, which means I'm going to do my job now and see if I can catch some more signals. Don't try to rack your brain too much, okay?"

Sanji just nodded and then his gaze fell back on the burning island.

Nami was absolutely right. That's exactly what he would do.

Once Zoro was back, Sanji would simply confront him and find out what had actually happened two years ago and in case of doubt he would kick the truth out of the other. Unlike Nami, Sanji would not be satisfied with ignorance. No matter what they all had done, Zoro was the one who had left them in ignorance for two long years. He owed them at least an explanation.