Hey everybody,
so as I said, it's sunday, and here's the new chapter ;-)
Thank you all for your kind words (and yes, the exam went well^^'), I really appreciated it!
That's all I have to say for today. See you next weekend!
Sharry
Chapter 7 – Fronts
-Sanji-
He took a deep breath before entering the lookout, could not prevent being nervous. Somehow his inner alarm bells rang and both Nami's and Robin's words echoed in his ears.
But no, he could understand them both, but they hadn't been there.
Live, Sanji!
No, they all could do what they thought was right, so he would do what he thought was right. Zoro had left it to him to take care of the crew. Why would he have done that if he had never intended to abandon the crew in the long run? If he had known from the beginning that he would come back sooner or later?
Shaking his head, Sanji decided not to ponder any further, but to act. It didn't really surprise him that he found the Marimo in his typical meditation position.
"You missed lunch," Sanji grumbled and rudely placed the lunchbox he had brought along on the sofa.
"Not hungry," muttered the other, without even looking up.
"Whatever, but Nami said you will take over this night's watch, so I thought you might get hungry during the night."
"Mhm," the other just growled and didn't move.
"You could at least say thank you," remarked Sanji, who had only made up the night's watch thing in case such a comment would come, and tried to keep the conversation going as naturally as possible.
"Didn't ask for it and not hungry," replied the other, not even honoring Sanji's efforts with the slightest glance.
Now he stood there and didn't know how to start after Zoro had fobbed him off again in his usual gruff manner. But then he knew what to say.
"Hey," he said and walked towards the other,"you said if I have a problem, I should spit it out, and that's why I'm here. There's something I need to discuss with you."
Zoro made only an annoyed sound and raised the scarred eyebrow. Sanji took this as a sign that he would listen.
"I don't really know how to start," Sanji admitted, trying to just say what was on his mind without somehow provoking the other, as Robin had advised him to do, "but as you probably can imagine, I didn't expect to meet you at the Sabaody Archipelago."
He hesitated, but Zoro did not help him.
"After everything that happened, I was sure that you could not… have survived the G-6. I mean, I saw your injury, I saw you, we were on that tower, and I remember exactly what you told me. So it was hard for me to believe that the charming Lady Loreen told the truth back when she told Luffy that you would come back. I thought she and Hawk Eyes had come to swipe your swords."
The other's eyebrow twitched, but otherwise he did not move.
"I thought we had lost you, Zoro," he now spoke the truth and could not prevent his voice from shaking a little. Robin had advised him to be honest, not to attack Zoro with accusations, but to remain calm and to talk only about his own emotions. But that was actually much more difficult than simply venting his anger on the other, as he always did, as their friendship usually worked. "For two years I thought we had lost you. But now you're here and I wonder how you did it. How did you get away? How did you survive the G-6?"
Now the other opened his unharmed eye for the first time and looked at Sanji coolly. He wondered if the other had always had such a murderous expression or if he had only spared Sanji from it so far.
Robin had mentioned that Zoro was behaving much more sociable and talkative since their reunion. Sanji could not confirm this at all. He had the feeling that the other was even more dismissive and unapproachable than he already had been.
Zoro had always seemed quickly disinterested or indifferent, but now he seemed even more closed and distant than Sanji knew him. As if he were deliberately trying to keep them all at a distance so that they would not discover what he was trying to hide with all his might, and that was reason enough for Sanji to want to reveal this secret.
"So?" Sanji asked.
"The answer is simple," replied the other, and his voice sounded like a deep rumble of thunder. "I didn't get away, I died."
For a second, they just looked at each other in silence.
"Are you really trying to fuck with me right now?!" Sanji jumped forward and clenched his hands into fists. "I asked you a serious question because I'm worried about you, you asshole! Damn it, I want to have an earnest conversation with you and now you're coming up with such bullshit?!"
The other did not move.
"Who says I didn't answer you seriously, cook?"
"My Ass!"
Furious, he stomped on the ground. What the fucking hell?!
Yes, he also knew that he and the Marimo were not best friends, damn it, they could hardly stand each other, but both times he had been the one who had been there, had been in close proximity and had not been able to act, and now the other wanted to fob him off with some bullshit lie? Not even giving him the respect of an honest answer or at least a more believable excuse?
"You asked, I answered, cook. Not my problem if you..."
"Drop the bullshit!" The next moment he pulled the other up by the collar. "What kind of bastard are you?! Do you know that they are all considerate of you?! Robin doesn't want to bother you and acts like she's not worried. Nami blames herself and tries to help you in a way you don't notice. Luffy just pretends that the G-6 never happened, and the others ignore the nights they cried their way to sleep because they thought you had died. They are all so grateful that you are back that no one dares to even ask a question."
"Let me go, cook."
"No! I don't think so! I know you'll never tell the truth on your own initiative, but damn it, who do you think you are?!" Now he pushed Zoro away. "Just showing up here after two years, pretending nothing happened, like we didn't lose you. But you know, while you drank tea with Hawk Eyes and the adorable Lady Loreen and thought about what kind of cryptic message you could send us, during this time we mourned, cried, missed you. How dare you just show up here and pretend you don't owe us at least an explanation after you let us believe that we have lost you?!"
Trembling, he longed for air, while the other looked at him illegible, did not even stand up and confronted Sanji like an equal opponent.
"How dare you act so fucking condescending towards us while we worry about you?! You get upset because I'm staring at you? I get upset because I don't know if you might just disappear the next second! You had a hard time? I was here and I had to tell Luffy that you died! I held the crying Nami! I... I climbed out of the bunk at night because Chopper was sobbing and didn't dare to climb into a different bunk than yours! So don't come at me saying it's not your fucking problem, saying I get on your nerves. You are the one who let us down and after two years just reappears as if nothing had happened."
This time he could not stop single tears of anger, while the other still looked at him so expressionlessly.
"You are the one who asked me to do something that even you could not shoulder. I thought you had died and stood in front of a pile of shards that once has been our crew. I wasn't allowed to grieve for a second, I couldn't be weak for a second because you told me it was now my turn to protect the others, and now you're pretending that the whole thing doesn't concern you anymore? Like I'm paranoid because I can't just pretend it never happened?"
"Cook, I'm..."
"No, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear your flimsy excuses. If you don't want to tell me the truth, okay, don't do it, but at least make an effort to create a believable lie and don't feed me off with such bullshit. I am well aware that you don't really think much of me, but after everything you've done, after everything you've let us go through, what you've let me go through, at least you owe me an answer!"
For a whole second, Sanji could hear nothing but his own heartbeat and trembling breath, while Zoro briefly closed his eye, but when he opened it again, the oxygen from the air seemed to burn.
"I owe you an answer?" Slowly the other stood up and stared at Sanji illegible: "After everything I've let you go through, I owe you an answer?"
"You owe us all an answer!" replied Sanji, unwilling to give in. "Even more, you owe us all an apology! You owe us an explanation. Because while you had a good time with the charming Lady Loreen and this arrogant Hawk Eyes, we mourned you and we weren't even important enough for you to tell us yourself that you survived. No, you send a damn Shichibukai and his playmate! You haven't even had the decency to tell us yourself the truth, so yes, you owe us an apology, and you owe me a fucking answer!"
"I don't owe you anything!" Unintentionally, Sanji took a step back when Zoro stepped towards him. Although they were almost the same height, the other seemed to look down on him. "You think I owe you an answer about how I survived? I answered you, but you didn't want to listen."
"Oh, stop feeding me that..."
"You think I owe you an explanation of what happened at the G-6? You were there, cook, use that brain of yours and maybe you remember." Now the other one was standing right in front of him and his cold look almost intimidated Sanji. "And you think I owe you – you – an apology for what you went through? You think I have to apologize for you failing? I only asked you for one thing, I just asked you to take care of this crew, the others, our friends, and you failed, screwed it all up, and I should apologize?"
Only now did he realize how livid Zoro was, so oddly livid. Sanji had never seen him like this before, at least not apart from a fight.
"You think I have to apologize for not having opened my mouth? If you had kept your damn mouth shut at least this once, none of this would have happened! You think I had it easy? You think I drank tea and enjoyed my life while I knew that my friends were defenseless against the dangers of this world, while I was barely able to walk down some damn stairs? You think I had an easy time knowing that there was no one there to protect you, while I couldn't even protect myself, and helplessly at Mihawk's mercy? You think you're the one this is about? Then I've got some news for you, cook, if I had known that it would overwhelm you to protect the others, then I would never have entrusted you with their lives!"
Live, Sanji!
"If I had known that this was too much for you, I would have never expected you to do what I do. I must have overestimated you. Wouldn't have thought you were so weak that you would now blame me after risking everything for this crew and you." Now Zoro took a deep breath and suddenly Sanji knew that this had been a big, a very big, mistake. "Tze, maybe it's my fault, after all, I'm the one mistaken in you, because I've actually always thought a lot of you. I appreciated how brave you were – despite your stupid and annoying behavior – because you always fought with Luffy and me on the front lines, didn't hesitate to protect the others, didn't even hesitate to protect me, even though we both knew I would never have allowed that to happen."
Sanji swallowed, the other had never said anything that kind to him, yet his gaze spoke of something completely different.
"The truth is, cook, to this day I have always respected you and I was sure that I could rely on you no matter what. I was always sure that you would take care of my back, no matter what I say and do. But apparently, I was really wrong; as long as I don't have boobs and long hair, I'm probably nothing more for you than some useful tool with muscles and swords, which is no longer worth anything if it doesn't work the way you want it to, a better pawn sacrifice, and I actually trusted you."
The other walked past him. His footsteps echoed coldly from the glass walls and Sanji trembled all over his body. Never before had anyone from this crew looked at him like this. Never before had anyone of his friends looked at him like this. Never before had Zoro looked at him like this.
"Don't make me laugh!" His voice trembled, but Sanji turned around anyway and followed Zoro. "You? Trusted me? Sure, tell this bullshit someone who believes it."
Desperate but also angry, he stared at the other's backs.
"Maybe you're right and I'm turning out to be the greatest asshole in the world right now, because I don't let it rest like the others. Maybe I would see things a little differently if I knew the truth, but I don't know because you're not willing to talk. So no, as long as I don't know what happened, you're the asshole in my eyes. Because all I know is that we thought you died. All I know is that we mourned for you, that we suffered, and you forced a task on me that even you failed at, and yet you are back now, now, two years later. But you weren't there when we were ambushed by the Marines; sent us a damn Shichibukai to help. So maybe you have a damn good reason why you couldn't, but you don't tell me, so all I know is you weren't there when you should have been there. You weren't there when we needed you."
Slowly the hands of the other opened and closed, but he did not turn around, but at least he had stopped walking away.
"And do you know what else I know? I know you never trusted me!" He stepped forward again. "Sure, you trusted me to take care of myself, to take care of the others. But you never really trusted me and you know that. Because if you had really trusted me for even a second, then you wouldn't have told me these words at the tower, then you would have told me much earlier what the hell was going on or if you would survive. You wouldn't have left me ignorant about your escape plan, you wouldn't have wasted time writing it on some scraps of paper, you would have told me while we were changing clothes, while rushing through the corridors, while we sat in this damn cell for days and I wondered how many more times you would mess with the soldiers."
He took another step towards.
"So maybe you're right and you don't owe me anything because you sacrificed so much, that may be, but I don't know and how could I, because you don't tell me. But don't think I'm buying this nonsense. Maybe I lost your respect today - if you really ever respected me - but don't you dare to pretend that I risked your trust today. We both know you never really trusted me, never." He shook his head. "And when I look at how you actually treat all of us, I don't think you've ever trusted a single one of us. Not Chopper, not Robin, not even Nami."
"Cook...", the other warned him.
"When I think about it, not even Luffy."
Suddenly, the other rushed around and looked at him with his wide open eye, pale anger written all over his face.
"Are you really doubting my loyalty to the captain?!"
Sanji knew full well that a single wrong word could now be his last.
"No," he replied clearly and stepped up to the other, ignoring the icy lump in his stomach area, "I have never doubted your loyalty, Zoro."
Then he walked past the other, stopped at the hatch.
"I don't doubt for a second that you would sacrifice your life for each of us. I don't doubt that no matter what else I throw at your head, you still wouldn't hesitate to even save my life."
"Then what's your damn problem, cook?"
"My problem?" Now it was Sanji's back the other had to look at. "What's your problem, Zoro? I've never been too proud to let you save me. I've never been ashamed of my weaknesses."
Then he looked at the other over his shoulder.
"But would you be willing to let me save you?" Expressionlessly, the other stared back. "Honestly, yes, you are the muscleman with the swords in my eyes, but I am not the one who sees you as a pawn sacrifice or a tool. No, that cap doesn't fit and I'm not willing to wear it."
With that he left, leaving the other behind, but as courageous and self-confident as he had given himself, it had only been an act. In a hurry, Sanji rushed to the bathroom, which he fortunately found empty. Once there, he locked the door, lit a cigarette and sank to the ground.
Zoro wasn't the first to stare at him with such contempt, but perhaps precisely because it was Zoro, it hurt more than ever.
If I had known that it would overwhelm you to protect the others, then I would never have entrusted you with their lives!
Wouldn't have thought you were so weak that you would now blame me after risking everything for this crew and you.
To this day I have always respected you.
Forgetting the cigarette, he buried his face in his arms.
What had he done?