Hello everybody,
thank you all for comming, I have nothing more to say, so enjoy ;-)
Chapter 8 – Realization
-Zoro-
"Damn it!"
Dissatisfied, he simply dropped the barbell, watched it for a moment as it rumbled across the floor, then turned around and squatted on the sofa. It was already late at night and soon the last inhabitants of the ship would go to bed. Actually, he should be looking forward to a quiet night watch, like he had done so often in the past, but no matter what he did, his mind just did not want to come to rest.
He had known that such confrontations could happen, had known that not all crewmembers would accept things as easily as Brook or Luffy. He had expected a serious discussion from Robin's side, a loud argument with Nami, even with a few hesitant questions from Chopper. Yes, he had even expected that the damn cook would open his mouth, because this idiot always felt like he had to interfere with everything that didn't concern him.
Yes, Zoro had expected some quarrel, but not this, not these words, these accusations, this brutal honesty.
Rubbing his face, he leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs and buried his face in his hands.
You are the one who asked me to do something that even you could not shoulder. I thought you had died and stood in front of a pile of shards that once has been our crew. I wasn't allowed to grieve for a second, I couldn't be weak for a second.
I was here and I had to tell Luffy that you died! I held the crying Nami! I... I climbed out of the bunk at night because Chopper was sobbing and didn't dare to climb into a different bunk than yours!
Nami blames herself and the others ignore the nights they cried their way to sleep because they thought you had died.
You haven't even had the decency to tell us yourself the truth.
But you weren't there when we were ambushed by the Marines; you weren't there when we needed you.
I've never been too proud to let you save me. But would you be willing to let me save you?
We both know you never really trusted me... not even Luffy.
"Fucking damn it!"
He hit his knees as it became difficult to breathe. He simply could not forget the words of the cook, could not banish them from his thoughts.
Of course he had known it, of course the cook was right. Zoro was to blame for what they had gone through, because he had decided to keep them ignorant, because he had left them alone for a whole month.
Not a day had passed on Sasaki when he hadn't thought about the others, hadn't thought about how they must have been doing. He would bear this guilt for the rest of his life.
And yes, it had also been his mistake to impose a responsibility on Sanji that he now knew Sanji would never have been able to shoulder. They were too different for that; he should never have asked him to.
Back when Zoro had seen the others again after that one long month, he had noticed how thin and worn the cook had become, deep circles around his eyes, pale skin. The cook had mourned for him, and that had made Zoro angry. It had made him angry that Sanji had mourned for him instead of pushing aside his own feelings and protecting the crew, as Zoro would have done, as Zoro had expected him to do.
Shaking his head, he looked out at the sea. Today he knew that he had expected something from Sanji that could not be asked of another person. One could guide someone else, help them, stand by their side, but in the end, everybody had to decide for themselves how far they could go.
But Zoro hadn't known that back then. At that time he had not understood that not every person was the way he was, that not every person was able to take this one more step at every moment, in every second, quite apart from the fact that even he had not always done that, but he had not wanted to admit that either.
Mihawk had taught him this, had taught him that every human being had their own boundaries, limits, and monsters, but back then... At the time, Zoro had taken it for granted that Sanji would take over his role when he would no longer be there.
If Zoro had known then what he knew today, he would never have imposed this burden on Sanji, would never have asked him to shoulder this responsibility. He had never intended to inflict such a burden and pain on one of his friends – even if it was the damn cook. But back then Zoro had thought that only because he could endure it, maybe even wanted to endure it, that everyone else could as well, or at least the cook who had always fought so courageously at his side. At least the cook, who had at all times willingly protected everyone from the crew, even had wanted to protect Zoro, even had wanted to die in his place.
In his naivety, Zoro had really thought that the cook was like him, and therefore he had asked him to give what Sanji was not able to give.
But that's what he had done in the past, had made the others suffer, had decided to wait for them at Sasaki and to leave them in the dark, he had to answer for that.
Yes, the other was right, Zoro hadn't even had the courage to tell them the truth. He had not been able to tell them the truth. Zoro had left, gone the safe way at the Shichibukai's side, and had abandoned his crew. In recent months, Zoro had a lot of time to learn to live with this guilt, to realize his mistakes and to grow through them.
It was true, back then he had not trusted the others, back then at Sarue, when he had not told them the truth, but also much earlier. He had never trusted them, not in the way they had trusted him, not in the way they had believed in him.
If Zoro was completely honest, he had trusted only one of the crew and that had been Luffy. But... he had changed, hadn't he? He had learned from his mistakes back then, hadn't he?
The cook was wrong. Back then, Zoro hadn't trusted them, didn't even want to deny it, even if he could, but now things were different, now he was different.
At that time, Zoro had tried to ignore this uneasy feeling, had wanted to hold on to his naivety, to enjoy life with his friends. But a small voice inside his head had repeatedly said that he was not gullible but saw the danger very clearly in front of him and had simply decided to close his eyes to it.
And this dull feeling had been confirmed on Thriller Bark, when he had faced Bartholomew's Kuma, had been confirmed on the Senichi Islands, when he and Luffy had faced the soldiers Homura and Hakkai. But even then, Zoro hadn't known what it meant.
Now he knew. Now Zoro knew he couldn't ignore the dangers of the world just to have some fun.
If he had known then what he knew today, he would not have held back against the samurai Ryuma, would not have allowed him to hurt him. He might had suffered fewer injuries during the fight against Oz, if he would have been serious from the beginning, he might had been able to recover faster from Luffy's wounds. If Zoro had taken every fight as seriously as he had taken his fight against Hawk Eyes and if he had not hesitated to take this one more step against Homura but decided to use his then still uncontrollable powers, then things could have turned out differently, then perhaps neither he nor his friends would have had to experience all these things.
Still, the cook was wrong. Zoro had learned a lot in recent years, and he expected the other to shoulder their share. Why else would he have reminded Luffy that they had now reached the New World?
It was true that he didn't tell them everything, but that had nothing to do with trust, but with... with... It was just that Zoro wanted to settle his problems with Eisen on his own without an overprotective Shichibukai or an overly motivated crew getting involved. Besides, Zoro just didn't want to address Lady Loreen. He just wanted to avoid this conversation, just wanted to avoid them staring at him in disbelief, asking unnecessary questions, worrying unnecessarily, and whatever else they could come up with.
He just didn't want them to look at him like they had done back then, say things like they had done back then. But this had nothing to do with a lack of trust, but simply with the fact that he didn't want to worry about unnecessary stuff.
And in one more thing the cook was wrong, Zoro may not have trusted the others in the past, but he had never been too proud to be saved by them and he was certainly not ashamed. No, the real reason he had always protected the others at all costs – even at the cost of his life – was simply that he didn't want to lose them and the crew couldn't afford that loss. The crew needed a captain, a navigator, a cook, a ship's doctor, but anyone could take on Zoro's role, anyone could protect the crew. Zoro was, or at least should be, replaceable.
Shaking his head, he leaned back.
The cook may have been right in many things, with the fact that Zoro had caused them all a lot of suffering and also with the fact that he had to bear the responsibility for abandoning the others. It was true that Zoro had expected too much from the crew, and Sanji in particular, and it was also true that he had left them in the dark about the truth. But the other was wrong about everything else and it was certainly none of his business.
He wanted an apology? Pah, Zoro had given his damn life for the cook and the others, for which he would certainly not apologize. He wanted an explanation? Tze, if the damn curly brow had just kept his mouth shut at that time, then it would never have come to this. The cook wanted answers? He hadn't even listened when Zoro had given him the longed-for answer, even told him the truth. He hadn't even listened to him, asked him to answer, but didn't even listen to him, just as he never listened to Zoro, just as he hadn't listened to him back then.
Yes, Zoro had messed up big times and he was willing to bear the consequences for any of his decisions, but he wasn't willing to let everyone tell him what to do!
First Mihawk, then Rayleigh, then Brook, and now the freaking cook! They all thought they had the right to get involved, that they had the right to question Zoro's decisions, even though they all had no idea, even though they all had no idea why he was doing what he had to do.
He knew exactly why he was hiding Lady Loreen, he knew exactly why he had to face Eizen alone, and that had nothing to do with trust or false pride! He did it because it was the right thing to do, because it was the only way he was able to choose. He did it because...
"My, what a tense atmosphere."
He didn't even look up, didn't know if her presence was a curse or a blessing.
"Actually, I planned to take a beath, but it seemed to be already occupied. So I wanted to keep you company at the night's watch, or am I inconvenient? This doesn't look like your usual exercise to me."
So she knew it. Of course she knew. Nothing happened on this ship that Nico Robin didn't know about. Of course, she had noticed that the cook had been arguing with Zoro, and apparently it had been bad enough that she thought she had to interfere.
It wouldn't be the first time. Zoro was aware that she had already stood between the fronts many times and just as she had often tried to help Zoro understand the cook, she had certainly done the other way around as well. In general, Zoro had nothing against it. As much as the little skirmishes with the cook were fun for him, the drama of the other annoyed him. Robin had a subtle way of mediating between the fronts without any of them noticing it, without any of them noting the gentle manipulation, and Zoro had often gone along with it, for the sake of the dear peace in the crew, had probably fallen for it even more often than he realized.
But today he had no desire for any mediation talks. The cook had crossed a line, accusing Zoro of not trusting neither the crew members nor his captain, thus questioning his loyalty just because Zoro wasn't running around like that damn idiot and whining about his problems to everyone else, just because he didn't feel the need to make an uproar about every little hell he had gone through. Should the cook lick his wounds, that was not Zoro's problem. If the other thought he had to attack a wild beast for no reason, then he had to expect to get bitten.
Since she still hadn't said anything, he opened his eye and looked at her. She stood at the entrance, her arms crossed, and looked at him illegible, her usual mysterious smile present as often. So that's what she wanted.
"I don't feel like talking, Robin. The cook was already annoying enough. If you want to read something here, sure, go ahead, but I'm not interested in any group therapy."
Now she raised an eyebrow, a clear sign that she disapproved his statement, probably also his derogatory tone, but he didn't care. Today, he didn't seem to care.
"You are even more aggressive today than usual," she then remarked, and there was no sign of disapproval left.
Zoro, however, listened. In the past, he would probably have fallen for her game immediately, but now he immediately saw through her tactics.
"It was a long day, we have annoying visitors, and the cook is even more exhausting than usual. So yes, I'm obviously irritated and you don't have to beat around the bush. But I..."
"Then should I be putting it blunt?"
Oh, maybe he had underestimated her. Of course, he should be aware that Robin was probably equal to even Mihawk in the field of strategic thinking.
"Then should I tell you bluntly that your current behavior is worrying? Should I tell you bluntly that I don't approve of how you deal with the other crewmembers, how you deal with us? Should I tell you bluntly that our captain may be able to live for the moment and leave the past behind, but that this is not true for the rest of us? Or should I tell you bluntly that you haven't learned anything?"
He took a deep breath.
"Do you want to mess with me now, Robin? Do you really think that after what the cook has just pulled off, I would now give in if you show up all rough and strict instead of acting all sympathetic?"
"Oh, you still don't get it, Zoro." She strolled through the room with echoing steps. "I don't care if you give in or not. I don't care if you tell us the truth or not. I don't care if you want to shoulder all the responsibility alone or not. But if so, at least do it right and stop letting the others suffer for it."
So that's how the adults played. Once again, he realized how many times the Shichibukai had put on his kid gloves.
Robin was known for leading conversations in certain directions through mystical remarks and vague hints, solving problems without even having to address them. Even with Zoro, she had often lead this gentle, cumbersome kind of conversation.
But now, after he had made it quite clear that he had no interest in such thought-splitting, she showed how ruthless she could be, and even now she was still smiling.
"And I say it again, Robin, I'm not interested in this conversation, so leave me alone."
"No." With her arms folded, she stopped in front of him. "Not today."
Unimpressed, he looked up. In general, he appreciated her honest, blatant nature. They had never needed many words to understand each other, and they were thinking quite similarly, so he understood why she was here.
"I have nothing to tell you."
"Don't you? But your gaze says something completely different."
"What do you want, Robin?"
Now she tilted her head slightly.
"Can't you forgive him?"
This question surprised him, and he didn't know what she was talking about. Maybe he hadn't read her right after all. His face had to say this, too, because finally she stopped with her fake smile and now Zoro knew that at least she wasn't playing anymore.
"I'm here to poor some oil on troubled water, Zoro. I understand that there are things you can't or don't want to talk to us about, and I'm not going to push you to do anything either. But you're wrong to think that only you carry the burden of that time, we all do. All of us wonder what each of us did wrong back then and how we can prevent something like this from happening again."
"Your point?" He didn't like that conversation, but it was still better than cowardly tactics and unfounded attacking.
"You pretend like Sanji is the one to blame."
"What?"
"Oh please, like you're doing this unintentionally. Everyone can see how you have changed, Zoro. You've really learned a lot in the last few years – and I'm not talking about fighting – but as soon as Sanji shows up, you're like a completely different person. You are rude, disrespectful, and quite condescending in your little fights, honestly much more condescending than before. It almost seems to me like you want to punish him for something."
"What are you talking about?" In the past, he would probably not have allowed such a conversation, but now he was trained in it, after all, even the damned Shichibukai did not miss an opportunity to point out if Zoro did even the smallest mistake. But if he was completely honest, he could do without such comments from Robin. "So, to be clear, I don't know what your problem is, nor what the hell is wrong with the cook. If you want to know something, ask. If the cook wants to know something, then he should ask. But stop accusing me of things that aren't true."
Now he got up and walked over to the weights.
"I don't want to punish the cook for anything, nor do I blame him for anything. He annoys the hell out of me and just doesn't leave me alone, that's all there is to it. I don't have a problem with him, but he obviously has one with me. So maybe you should stop wasting your time with me and sit down with him. Then maybe I'll finally have some peace of mind."
She sighed loudly and Zoro knew that she had learned what she wanted to know – whatever it was – and that made him dissatisfied, he just didn't come up against her.
"You really are like two sides of the same coin," she said, but she sounded softer than before. "I wish you talked honestly only once, that would save us others from a lot of headaches."
He did not reply but began to train.
"But of course I can't force you to do that, Zoro. However, I would like to tell you one more thing. No matter your motivations, I know you would do anything to protect your friends and I know that you care that we trust you, as we have always done, as I always will. But Sanji no longer trusts you, not because of what happened then, but because of how you behave now. Whatever your motivations, I really hope they are worth risking the trust within our crew."
With clacking steps, she left.
Zoro was furious; angry and helpless.
What had he expected? Had he really expected to be able to return to the crew without any of them asking questions? Had he really expected that he could pretend that nothing had happened? Had he really expected the others to pretend that nothing had happened, when he was obviously not the same from back then?
Zoro doubted. Was it wrong of him to leave others in the ignorant? Was it wrong of him to want to protect the others? Was it wrong of him...?
Sanji had accused him of not trusting the crew, of not trusting Luffy. Robin accused him of jeopardizing the crew's trust and having already lost Sanji's.
Trust
"Damn it!"
Shaking his head, he dropped the weight to the ground, where it rolled next to the dumbbell from before.
Robin was right, he had learned absolutely nothing, had not learned anything even through the G-6, had still not learned it even through Lady Loreen.
But he didn't even know what it meant, so how was he supposed to know how to learn it?
Zoro was standing in the lookout of the Thousand Sunny somewhere in the New World, and after all the years in which he had learned everything he had been able to learn, had continued his education in swordfighting as well as in political and strategic mind games, he now stood here and asked himself an absolutely simple question to which he had no answer, after all this time still had no answer.
What did it mean to trust?
Suddenly, a quiet beeping interrupted the heavy silence and almost automatically Zoro reached into his trouser pocket when the little white transponder snail called for him.