A/N:
Hahaha... oops, it's been a month. Y'all, my sister's getting married. Stress all around. I am editing this and shoving it into the world before god and mass judgment instead of getting ready for her bachelorette party tomorrow. Will I ever do things normally in a healthy way? Likely not. Enjoy the shenanigans and feel free to shout at me for any reason that feels right to you.
He's woken by the sound of the engine choking and Usopp swearing like a sailor.
Day two in Corn Land already looks bleak.
"She still won't fucking start and it's cold as balls! Does the corn offer no goddamn insulation?!"
"I don't know, but you kinda need gas to get it to start," Chopper points out, like they've all forgotten.
Franky nods sagely next to him. "If that wasn't the problem, I could fix it and we'd already have been out of here."
Zoro starts something of a headcount to see if any of them were lost to the corn demons last night.
Luffy hovers behind Usopp as he continues to pointlessly turn the key. Ace is most likely still outside, roughing it by the fire. (Or on fire, who knows?) A quick glance out the window confirms this. The sleeping bag lay a charred mess near the road, now empty, as he'd predicted. He shakes his head as Ace throws more stalks down to make a bigger fire, whooping as embers fly toward him.
Robin and Nami are the only ones still asleep, a tangled mass of limbs and blankets on the floor. Zoro blushes a little bit. Is that what he and Luffy looked like last night?
Chopper sighs, optimistically offering, "At least we won't run out of food. I don't think we could if we tried."
Zoro grimaces. "Only corn for eternity? I'd rather die."
He'd rather die than do a lot of things, though, so that's not saying much.
He flinches when Luffy meets his eyes, then quickly schools his expression into something neutral. He is not going to be weird about last night. Nope. It wasn't even a big deal.
"But what about meat?" Luffy asks.
Franky pats him on the shoulder. "You get corn meat now, bro. Sorry."
It's the sentence that sends everything spiraling. Zoro can practically pinpoint the moment Luffy decides holding his composure isn't worth it anymore. His left eye twitches, nostrils flaring.
"I'll never get to eat real meat again!" he wails, falling to his knees and beating the floor with his fists.
Watching him, Zoro kind of wants to do the same. And maybe cry a little bit, because why not? Chopper is crying. They've officially reached Corn-mageddon.
The blare of police sirens, originating from somewhere in the corn, stops him.
Nami startles awake, eyes wide before she closes them again with a groan of, "Oh my god."
She curls further into Robin, who blinks blearily around her as she realizes they've awoken to pure chaos. Again. Still. Always.
Usopp lets out an ear-splitting noise of distress, banging his head on the steering wheel. "WHY?! Why the fuck is this happening?! I'm not speeding. We aren't even moving! And who would I be disturbing if I was? There's literally no one here. NO ONE!"
"The corn," Franky answers. "You'd be disturbing the corn."
"Honestly," Zoro suggests, "go ahead and keep screaming. There are thousands of ears listening."
It's better than silently losing their minds, and who's to say the corn won't just scream back?
Ace jumps back into the van because while he loves fire, he apparently isn't as keen on the possibility of being run the fuck over in the middle of nowhere. He hums thoughtfully. "I'm starting to think that cornfields are offended by vans masquerading as sheep."
"Are they offended that we're a vehicle, and going to run them over, or that we're a sheep, and potentially going to eat them?" Chopper asks.
"Both. They're terrified of being run down and then eaten!" Luffy declares.
And, well, if Zoro were an ear of corn— No. He's not even going to go down that particular lane of insanity. He's seen that whole neighborhood already. His house is the third one from the end and he doesn't need any more.
The rumble of an engine is the only warning they get before a police car plows through the corn from their left.
They all congregate to watch from behind the windshield as it squeals to a stop in front of Merry.
The driver's window of the police car rolls down to reveal—
"GRAMPS?!" Luffy and Ace yell in unison.
Everyone scrambles out of the van, gobsmacked at the sight of Garp.
Even as he follows, Zoro feels like he's hallucinating. The corn was fucking drugged, wasn't it? That is literally the only explanation for what Garp would be doing here, smashing a squad car through a cornfield. Where did he get the squad car?
"How the hell did you know where we are?" Nami asks as she comes up to the window, incredulous.
"We don't even know where we are!" Usopp adds.
Garp only winks.
"Never mind that," he dismisses, waving his hand like it's going to do anything for the burning curiosity and mild horror that descends upon them all. "I've got what you brats forgot right here in my backseat!"
Chaos reigns once more, questions pouring out.
Luffy shrieks in excitement. "Meat?!"
Franky openly sobs. "Some decent WiFi?"
"I-is it... a h-heater?" Usopp says between chattering teeth, rubbing his arms vigorously like the dramatic little fucker he is.
Zoro rolls his eyes. He feels fine in a damn tank top. "Maybe it's your dignity."
Chopper somberly shakes his head. "Nobody can return that to him."
Ace shrugs. "Probably not, but could I get a new sleeping bag?"
"Fuck, I really hope it's my sanity," Nami groans to herself, though she must know it's a lost cause.
Robin snorts, turning toward Garp. "You have gas for the van, correct?"
The man laughs at their antics, nodding. "Among other things. I figured that might be the reason you idiots have been out here so long."
Everyone collectively squints at him.
"How in the fuck do you know how long we've been here?" Zoro asks what they're all thinking.
He can't be the only one afraid of the omnipotence with which Garp states, "A little of this, a little of that. I just know. Also—" he chucks something at Zoro, which he barely catches "—this is on my plan for now but I figured you don't really give a shit since it functions."
It's a cellphone. Glistening and brand new and even nicer than the one he pawned off on Izaya. "Right, um, thank you?"
He chances a look at Luffy and Ace, who both shrug in surprised confusion.
A shiver tingles down his spine. Nope. He is officially noping the hell out of this conversation. He never wants to find out, or make himself a target of whatever all-knowing eldritch horror Luffy's grandpa seems to be.
"Who cares how he knew? He's saved us!" Nami huffs a laugh that's half nerves and half relief as she stomps toward the car's back door and throws it open. "Now we can just fill up and—" She jolts back a few steps, words trapping themselves behind pursed lips.
Garp winces in the front seat. "Looks like she found those other things I mentioned."
An expensive shoe hits the dirt, followed by a mop of familiar blond hair coming into view.
"Hey, dipshits," Sanji greets, but it's subdued, his head bowed. Eventually, he meets their stares and lifts a red gas can like a peace offering. "Cheers?"
Zoro blinks. His thoughts stall on the ring of purple around Sanji's visible eye, though there isn't much to contest with. He wasn't ever really mad at Sanji beyond the usual grr, he's so annoying, fight me in the parking lot type of mad. "The fuck happened to you, dartboard brow?"
He sighs and gestures behind himself vaguely. "Her asshole 'fans' didn't like me telling them not to harass her."
Garp lets out a hearty laugh. "That's about when I showed up."
The other door pops open, and a face Zoro never thought he'd see again comes to stand next to Sanji. Their body language creates the strangest juxtaposition; Sanji's hunched shoulders versus Hancock's ramrod straight posture, chin up as she surveys the group.
And Zoro knows. The moment her eyes find Luffy's, he knows, because midnight blue flares. Her lips curl into a small but genuine smile. Though she blushes, she crosses the distance between them with confidence. She grasps Luffy's arm, her face a touch too gooey and a lot too fucking close for Zoro's comfort.
"It's good to see you again." Her smile turns coy. "Fate must love me. Given we failed miserably, I assume you'll still take me to my sisters?"
He doesn't shrug her off, only tilting his head at the intensity. After a moment, he grins back at her, saying, "Yeah, I guess so."
It stings Zoro like a slap to the face.
Nami looks as if she's just experienced something similar.
Usopp hums nervously. "Luffy, are you sure that's a good idea?"
Franky nods, eyes wide as he gawks at Sanji. "Does everyone remember the fight? Because I remember the fight. Bros before hoes might actually be of use here, yeah?"
Chopper elbows his hip, sighing in exasperation. "Stop before you become a target, and that's also… kind of offensive."
Luffy ignores their input. "It's fine. She isn't that bad."
"Hell no!" Nami growls, unfreezing from her shock. "She's not coming with us! Why can't you just take her, Garp? Problem fucking solved!"
Garp sinks lower in his seat. "Reasons."
"Reasons?! That's it?" She stomps toward his open window, voice reaching an alarming pitch. "Just fucking reasons?!"
"I DON'T RECALL!" he yells above her.
Tires screech and sirens blare as he launches the squad car into the other side of the cornfield.
Luffy waves. "BYE, GRANDDAD!"
Ace pouts, stomping his foot. "So no sleeping bag?"
Franky and Chopper pat him consolingly.
"Nope!" Usopp says, tone biting and— okay, yes, very much glaring at Sanji. The type of angry Zoro hasn't seen since scratching Merry. "Just gas, a snake-lady, and our asshole stoner friend."
Sanji droops a little further, then straightens up with an indignant huff. "Yeah, gas! Which is a thing you need and—" He falters, eyes landing on Nami, who tenses under his attention. "And I guess I kind of need you, too. And... I'm fucking sorry for how I left things."
The serious tone catches everyone off guard, Zoro included. They're left staring, listening.
Nami scowls at him for a long moment, chest heaving and hands clenched tight. She swallows, fists loosening until one softens enough that she holds it out for him. A fake smile strains her cheeks, sweet poison drowning the bitterness beneath.
"Fine," she chirps. "Temporary truce!"
They shake, relief overtaking Sanji's face as he nods, and god, he really is that stupid.
Because Zoro is not reassured. Not in the slightest. He can already see the on-fire trainwreck coming ten miles away.
Trainwrecks, Zoro learns, are often preceded by stifling awkwardness.
The first problem they run into is the new rooming arrangements as they're driving to the next hotel. Because of Sanji. And Usopp. And whatever the fuck is happening there, on top of Nami's silent, frothing rage at sharing with Hancock again. Hancock herself has been mercifully silent about all of it so far. The same cannot be said of Usopp.
"If you won't take him," Nami stresses, "I don't really know what to do. He can't room with Zoro and Luffy because that will end in homicide. He can't room with just Luffy because—"
"It's too late! Zoro's mine!" Luffy interjects again, making Zoro nearly implode again.
Hancock's head snaps toward him, cold stare unblinking. "He's what, now?"
She goes ignored by everyone as Luffy continues. "And who else is going to order me three steaks in the middle of the night just because they're already up? I won't get to watch Sanji do push-ups at four in the morning!"
Robin furrows her brow at Zoro. "I am... increasingly concerned about you. And intrigued."
Zoro shrugs, uncomfortable under her scrutiny but unwilling to show it.
"Anyway, yes, there's that." Nami sounds exasperated but she hardly bats an eye before she continues. "Robin isn't even on the table. Franky and Chopper already have Ace as an unwanted extra, so it has to be you, Usopp."
"Unwanted?" Ace scoffs. "They love me!"
Chopper and Franky exchange a look Zoro has no hope of fluently deciphering beyond sweet fucking hell no. They pat Ace as though calming an unruly dog.
"It's like babysitting a wolverine sometimes," Franky confesses fittingly.
Chopper shrugs. "But we're fine."
"Well, I refuse!" Usopp sticks up his nose haughtily, though there's real irritation underneath until he takes in the way Sanji's shoulders hunch at his words. He heaves a sigh. "Unless Ace rooms with us too, I guess. We can swap wolverine duty with Chopper and Franky."
"Yeah!" Sanji says, unsettling in his enthusiasm, and Zoro thinks it might have shown on his face somehow because Sanji tenses and tries to fumble through a recovery. "I mean, yeah, okay. That... works."
"Sounds good," Nami confirms, tone carefully neutral. The pen she'd had in her mouth has deep gouges worked into it when she goes to write in the adjustment.
Zoro winces as she presses so hard she rips the page and has to start over.
That same night, he and Luffy manage to get roped into whatever the hell Usopp's deal is about being alone with Sanji. Ace vanishes, claiming he has an activity to do sometime around midnight.
Zoro doesn't question it, and neither does Luffy. He's just tired of Usopp spamming his new phone with desperate texts. (They'd all been added by, presumably, Garp, before Zoro even had a chance to touch his contacts. Koshiro is also in there somehow, which is not creepy. Not at fucking all.)
The door opens within a millisecond of his first knock. His knuckles bop Usopp's nose, though his victim pays it no mind as he yanks him into the room. He barrels into Sanji with a yelp, snarling in sync when their faces get close enough Zoro can count all his stupid, swirly eyebrow hairs. The blond shoves him out of his space and Zoro spins to bark a threat at Usopp.
"Safe!" Usopp wheezes, grabbing Luffy's arms and extending them over his shoulders. Unprompted, Luffy aims finger-guns at him and Sanji.
"Blam!" he says, flicking his wrists to 'fire'.
Sanji crosses his arms, thoroughly unimpressed. But he's also kind of making this gross, wobbly expression at Usopp, as though the fake attack hurts. Zoro puts a stop to it by hefting Sanji onto one of the twin beds, ignoring the girlish scream Sanji lets out. Deciding he may as well go big or go home, Zoro falls backward and crushes his legs with his full body weight.
Bony knees dig into the middle of his back as Sanji squirms. "What the fuck, Marimo?!"
He cranes his neck to scowl, staying put out of pettiness. And laziness. "You looked stupid, they look stupider, and we might as well watch a shitty hotel movie if we're not sleeping."
After a heated moment of murder-glaring, Sanji shrugs and reaches for the remote. Luffy and Usopp scramble onto the other bed, flopping onto their stomachs.
Zoro still doesn't move. Sanji doesn't try to make him move, which is more odd. He refuses to consider that they may be engaged in something like… an aggressive cuddle. He doubles down on his denial when Sanji eventually wriggles his legs out from under Zoro, only to plop them squarely on his stomach instead.
He says nothing, head firmly turned toward the screen.
The four of them are in the middle of flicking through channels for a second halfway decent movie (the first of which was passable only with Luffy and Usopp's combined commentary) when the door bangs open and shut with terrifying speed.
Ace leans on it, too stiff to be nonchalant. He grins at them, not saying a word for long enough that it's concerning. They all warily get to their feet in preparation for whatever bullshit is about to spill from his mouth.
"Uh... yes?" Usopp prompts.
"Who wants to join me in idiot town? Population, me."
Luffy's hand shoots into the air, heels bouncing him like a spring ready to launch. "Ooh, me! Me! Pick me!"
"I think the population was you two, to begin with, honestly," says Usopp.
Sanji grins, snorting a laugh. He bumps an elbow into his side, holding his hand up for their usual high-five upon roasting Ace. Usopp's shoulders tighten, his mouth thinning into a flat line as he angles away from Sanji. He leaves him with his arm awkwardly raised, face falling in slow motion before he shakes his hand out midair and clasps it behind his back, as though to keep it from happening again.
Zoro sucks in a breath through his teeth. Yikes. He'd laugh, but that feels like a dick-move considering the kicked-puppy look on Sanji's face before he glares daggers into the floor.
"Okay, but listen," Ace says, voice flat yet still managing to cut through the sudden tension. "There is a zoo. There are penguins."
"Yes," Sanji slowly confirms, "we were there earlier, but I have the funniest fucking feeling that's not where you're going with this at…" he glances at the beside clock, "holy shit, three in the morning."
"Penguins..." Zoro squints at him.
He should have known better than to think nothing would come of their short, boring trip to the zoo. It lasted all of fifteen minutes before Nami called it quits. Nobody had fun, considering nearly all of the animals had disappeared into the indoor portions of their enclosures, and the few food options sucked. It was so unremarkable Zoro doesn't even remember the name of the place. He's half-convinced they hadn't gone at all and he had a weird daydream about it.
Except... penguins.
Ace nods, waving a hand at the door. "Penguins."
"Ace, no." Usopp makes a very disapproving X with his arms, expelling them outwards like it might undo whatever nefarious deed has been committed tonight.
"Ace, yes," Luffy squeals, shock steamrolled by exhilaration.
Usopp draws in a sharp breath and holds up a finger, only to wag his entire hand at Luffy. "Nope!" He points aggressively at the door, mouth set in a disappointed line, then finger-wags at Ace thrice. "No, no, no."
Luffy bounces with renewed vigor. "Let's go sledding! Like— like in The Last Airbender where Aang goes all bwaaah!" He wiggles his arms outward, then slams them back in with a clap. "Wham! You know?"
Zoro trades the most deadpan stare of his life with Usopp and Sanji. As one unit, the three of them move to peek out the door Ace just closed, hoping against futile hope that he's fucking lying about—
HONK!
A chorus of donkey-like braying assaults their ears, accompanied by the fwip of excited flippers slapping together. They stare at the mob of black and white bird blobs for as long as it takes their brains to process the reality they now live in. Luffy is leagues ahead of them there, yelling his excitement in Zoro's ear.
Sanji inches the door shut again. "This isn't what the internet meant when they said be gay, do crimes."
Ace hums, shaking his head. "I'd argue that this is exactly what they had in mind."
"What the fuck," Zoro says.
"How the fuck?" Usopp spins around, gesturing wildly at the door and the chaos behind it. "Why, why, why?"
"A lifelong dream?" Ace says. Asks, really, because of course there's no real reason for this.
Sanji sighs. "Do we need to talk about kleptomania on top of pyromania?"
Ace gasps, putting a hand to his chest in a gesture of utmost offense. "No! I can't have them all or I'd leave none for the rest of you. I'm not that selfish."
"You stole an entire fucking waddle of penguins, you absolute walking disaster."
Very maturely, Ace sticks his tongue out. Luffy has yet to stop giggling and looking out the window.
"Is it really called a waddle?" Usopp runs to join Luffy in his penguin-watching. "That changes things."
Sanji pinches the bridge of his nose. "How fucking so?"
"We have to keep them a little longer because having a waddle sounds adorable."
Zoro huffs. "So does getting arrested. Thanks for being the flakiest person I know."
Usopp cranes his neck to make eye contact. "I'm an onion."
"Flaky, sure, but you really don't have that many layers."
"Yes, I do!" Usopp balks at him. "I have many layers like— like a lesbian has many jackets!"
"Oh! I get it now," Zoro pitches his voice higher in fake comprehension. "You're just a dumbass!"
"I resent that."
"I resent you."
A shriek from the hallway interrupts them.
"Yeah, so, that's great," Sanji begins, "but we still have the massive fucking issue of kidnapped penguins no matter what they're called."
Ace puts one hand on a cocked hip, snorting. "I didn't actually steal them. They just followed me out!"
"Did you open the gate for them?"
Ace purses his lips. "Yes."
"Then you're still an accomplice in their escape, so, like, shut the fuck up."
The honking outside intensifies, human shrieking in the mix.
Luffy cackles, falling over to the side in his amusement at whatever's happening outside. "She's so mad, oh my god!"
Usopp turns back to Zoro and Sanji. "Are we just ignoring that Nami might drop-kick a penguin in a second?"
"That's her?"
"Yeah, the others are kinda just silently panicking and trying to ward off the birds."
Sanji stares at him, expression carefully blank. With robotic efficiency, he lays down right there on the floor. "Well, it's been a life."
Zoro nods. That just about sums it up. He jumps as the room explodes into sound, something battering against the door.
Nami's frustrated shrieking soon accompanies it. "GET THE FUCK OUT HERE or LET. US. IN, YOU LOSERS!" A particularly loud honk sounds right next to the door. "ACE!"
Ace grimaces, edging toward the wall. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going back in the closet."
And so he does.
Luffy finally moves away from the window, stumbling with blind determination for the door. Blind, because he's laughing so hard his eyes are squeezed shut. He has to lean on the door for support before he opens it.
Franky almost bowls him over when he charges inside, hunched over to accommodate Chopper atop his shoulders, who squeals and curls around his blue head. Robin and Nami dart in on their heels, the latter still cussing up a storm as she grips Robin's arm for dear life.
"They chased us up the hallway and away from our rooms," she explains, "now what the fuck is going on and where the hell is Ace?"
"How do you know it was him?" Luffy asks.
She stares at him until he breaks eye contact first.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
The racket outside grows louder and another knock on the door interrupts them.
Closest to it, Robin gives an aggrieved sigh and pulls the handle, mouth parting in slight shock as Hancock enters the room holding a massive ziplock full of fucking fish.
She quirks a perfect eyebrow. "Silverfish should suffice to lure them back, yes?"
Ace bursts out of the closet. "Oh my god, that will work so much better than cheez-its! Let's wrestle this pretzel! I thought I was gonna have to get the paddywagon or check the river."
Hancock narrows her eyes at him, and then turns to Zoro, of all people, to lament, "It's like he's trying to speak to me. I know it."
"Did you just—" He points at the bag of fish, laughter choked by not wanting to give her the satisfaction. "Nemo meme at me?"
"It was only appropriate." She shrugs, tossing the bag at the back of Usopp's head without warning and knocking him off balance. He falls to the floor with an unceremonious thump. Sanji's glance wars between Hancock and Usopp for a long moment before he seems to shrug to himself and peel the long-nosed teen from the carpet.
Ace dives for the bag despite it already having met the ground. "Don't harm the sacrifices!"
"They're not alive!"
"Not anymore," Hancock adds, to Zoro's mounting horror and grudging respect. At least for the moment.
"Please," Nami begs, "let's return the penguins so I can go the fuck to sleep."
I will now hold out my mug and beg for comments like Nami begs for the sweet release of living death.