A/N:

The question has been answered. At least... if you're Hancock, I guess. This chapter is pure drama and I hope it somewhat entertains.

Uh... slight emetophobia warning? Nothing graphic, but it's still kinda there in the mid-to-late half of the chapter.

Post-reverse-heist, Zoro gets a grand total of two hours of sleep before there's a pounding on the hotel door.

Groaning, pleading for mercy from a higher power that has never given a single fuck about his sanity or health, he checks his phone. An eight a.m. timestamp and string of text notifs obscure his lock screen, a remarkable picture of Luffy with chopsticks stuck up his nostrils.

It's barely a day old and he already loves this shadily obtained hunk of metal.

Usopp has been blowing up the group chat since six in the fucking morning and, evidently, got no sleep. He glances at Luffy, who snores away without even twitching at the banging on their door. His phone buzzes again.

Distracted, he scrolls through his texts. Zoro's eyebrows gradually raise as he reads. It begins with Usopp booting Sanji from the chat altogether, followed by Hancock's name bracketed with red-faced devil emojis. As Zoro deciphers from angry keyboard smashes, she has stolen Sanji from their room and taken him... shopping? And insulted Usopp's nose as well as pajamas somewhere in there.

Now, Zoro had thought a night of shenanigans with the group would help Hancock see them as, at the very least, obligatory acquaintances.

He had miscalculated. Vastly.

(And it only stings like— a little. Because there'd been a few moments where he actually laughed with her and she'd laughed with them, and— well, he guesses it was just late-night hysteria. It doesn't matter when it only lasted one whole fucking hour before she was back on her bullshit.)

"Open the door, Roronoa, I can see you reading my messages!"

He rolls his eyes, then holds back a wince when he finally does as he's told. Usopp's hair defies gravity in the oddest spots, curls wilder than usual. His eye twitches periodically as he gives a strained smile, fingers drumming rapidly along the back of his phone.

To maintain some semblance of normalcy, Zoro says, "No, that was Mariana."

"Fuck you."

"No, really. She's very invested in your weird... Sanji shit lately."

It's the wrong thing to say. Usopp's shoulders quake for a moment before he bursts into manic laughter. He doesn't stop for at least a full minute, long enough that Zoro debates calling Robin or Nami to fix what he clearly broke.

"Anyway," Usopp says, casually wiping a tear, "can I borrow Mariana to curse someone? Then we won't have to talk about your weird Luffy shit. Win-win, bestie."

A laugh, about as unhinged as Usopp's, escapes him. They maintain excruciating eye contact until he turns away first. And because Zoro is such a fantastic fucking bestie, he plucks the doll from his nightstand, hands her off, and slams the door in Usopp's face.

They shuffle into Merry around two p.m. and it takes a mere thirty minutes for Hancock to start driving him in-fucking-sane. Nobody has been able to speak with Luffy for more than five minutes without Hancock stampeding into the conversation.

It's like a switch flipped in her brain overnight and she decided everyone was an enemy out to steal all positive attention from Luffy.

Things between Nami and Hancock have yet to cool down even a little— Nami and Sanji even more so. He hasn't seen them exchange words normally since the Cornfield of Doom, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's the only reason things haven't gone to absolute shit yet. He's having a hard time focusing on Nami's problems when he has a new one of his own.

Hancock won't stop glaring at him.

It had taken him all of last night to understand what was setting her off: Luffy, sticking to Zoro's side like glue. Whether it be their rooming situation or sitting down at a restaurant, Luffy's right there next to him. Hovering, holding his hand, occasionally jumping on his back. Zoro hadn't even realized the frequency of it until she'd taken to glaring venom at him even without immediate cause. Like, fuck, he left home so he didn't have to be optically stabbed every day. He's becoming worried she might sic Salome on Susan just as revenge.

And he has had it, all the way up to the tips of his goddamn hair, with this, "Love is a hurricane!" bullshit she keeps spouting. He doesn't have the faintest clue what the hell it's supposed to mean. Not to mention the stunt she pulled the moment they got settled in the van. It makes him scowl and grind his teeth even thinking about it.

An infinite amount of bribery meat just so fucking happened to appear in her purse. He remembers Usopp's agitation this morning over their random shopping trip and feels a spike of the same anger. Now, Sanji divulges nothing, staring longingly at Hancock as he wiggles like the blonde noodle that he is.

Nami hasn't stopped scowling for hours, but they all turn a blind eye in favor of not being throttled. Zoro isn't sure how much good that's doing. Like hell she's going to let Sanji's apparent interest in Hancock go. Especially not after he more or less called her a cold-hearted bitch before running off with said rival.

Zoro knows the exact moment Nami finally checks the group chat and reads Usopp's rant over Hancock whisking Sanji away that morning. She drops her phone, pencil lead smearing under her fingertips as she crumples a fully-done drawing in her notebook. God, he can feel the disgust and fury coalescing in the air.

"Pull the fuck over," Nami growls at Usopp, who immediately does so without question. She pops the door open, stepping out of Merry as she barks, "Zoro, Sanji! Get your asses out here!"

Zoro hops out. He drags Sanji, an empty shell of bewitched-by-beauty and soon-to-be-skinned-alive, behind him. Doing as she says is the best option. Nami's shit list is short because she crosses names off fast and always exacts revenge somehow. Thus, Zoro doesn't want to be on that list. Ever.

"Hey!" Franky's muffled yell comes from the roof of the van. He'd willingly gone up there, claiming it was too hot in the van today and he could 'use a nice wind bath'. "Why'd we stop? I finally found the perfect angle of where my head's gotta be!"

Nami shakes her own head in exasperation. "Zoro, Dickface, go unstrap him."

Sanji snaps out of his wiggly state, murmuring a confused, "Dickface?" He nudges Zoro. "What did I do?"

Zoro merely shrugs, rolling his eyes as soon as he turns around. Sanji's a fucking idiot. He shoots a thumbs up at Nami to show he understands what she wants him to do. She grins back at him with a mix of malicious intent and gratitude, slipping back into the van. He huffs as he takes the back ladder onto the roof.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Dickface.

"You're coming down, big guy!" he mutters with a grin that feels feral, face barely over the top of the van.

Franky squirms as he starts undoing the latches, eyebrow raised. "That's one scary look, bro. What's going on?"

"Shh!" Zoro undoes the last latch, not ushering Franky to sit up just yet. "We're swapping you out, but you've gotta help me."

Franky gives him a conflicted frown. "I don't want to tie you here—"

"Not me." Zoro pointedly glances downward, where Sanji is still engaged in a heated argument with Nami through the window. "That idiot."

Franky grins back at him. "Romance gone sour? Bro, I'm so in."

"Knew you would be." His voice drops into an even lower murmur as Sanji approaches the ladder. "Just tackle and hold him there while I strap him down," he instructs.

Franky salutes.

Sanji's blonde head appears at the edge, sighing dramatically. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. She just won't stop fucking yelling."

"Get the other top latch while I work on this one."

It's already undone, but he has to get him on the roof somehow.

"Though I love them," Sanji continues to rant, "I will never understand women. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with appreciating the stunning beauty of— SHIT!"

He goes down in a heap of loud cursing (only cheesedick losers is new and worth mentioning) when Franky lunges at him. Zoro makes quick work of tightening and buckling the straps.

"Sorry, dude," Franky says, shuffling toward the ladder, "we didn't want to provoke Nami further. It's not even that windy. You'll be fine!"

Without another word his way, they both descend along the ladder and get back into Merry. Silence greets them, aside from Sanji screaming colorful protests on the roof, feet kicking rapidly.

Usopp grins cheerfully and starts the van once more. "Karma's a bitch."

Nami laughs way too hard. Zoro chalks it up to elation at the periodic cursing they hear that isn't swallowed by the wind.

Chopper gnaws at his bottom lip. "I don't know, guys. Are you sure he's okay? Sometimes he just— I mean, Nami, you know details better than I do, but..."

Nami's eyes soften at his concern. "I know it looks like we're in the middle of nowhere, but I swear we're only five minutes away from town. He's not going to be up there longer than it takes to stop for lunch." She sucks in a harsh breath. "I wouldn't— do that to him. No matter how angry I am."

Satisfied, Chopper nods and settles back next to Franky.

"Hey, Hammcock," Luffy begins, catching Hancock's eye, "do you have any more of that?"

Zoro's own elation at tying his nemesis to a sheep plummets. He rolls his eyes, shoving down the petty jealousy bubbling below his skin. Hancock's asinine yet ingenious plan is working. Despite him not even pronouncing her name right, she has Luffy's undivided attention.

Stars burst in Hancock's midnight blue eyes, one hand pressed to her red cheek as the other digs in her purse. "Of course! This is why I'm perfect for you!"

"I'm still not marrying you," he deadpans, but she doesn't deflate in the slightest as she holds out a turkey leg. Luffy takes it, scrutinizing the meat with a frown. "Actually, can I have two of them?"

Hancock blinks, appearing puzzled at the request, and likely not wanting to run out of her bribe material so fast. Slowly, she nods and smiles. "Of course, darling." She bats her eyelashes. "Two is better than one, after all."

Zoro bites his tongue to prevent himself from retching out the window. The meaning of Hancock's insinuations remains a mystery. She seems pretty unwilling to share Luffy's affection or attention with any of them.

Already halfway through the first, Luffy waits until the second turkey leg is safely in his grip before saying, "Oh, no, this one isn't for me." He grins, wide and beaming. "It's for Zoro!"

Chopper and Franky both turn comically jaw-dropped expressions his way, Ace muffling a chortle behind his hand. Zoro's breath hitches in sync with a skipped heartbeat.

Hancock's face contorts into a murderous scowl. She trains her gaze on him, and it's deja vu, watching a pretty face turn ugly within seconds. A shiver races down his spine. He sees it all the time with Alvida.

But, as his fingers brush Luffy's upon accepting the meat, a satisfied smirk creeps onto his face.

I win. He maintains eye contact with his silently livid adversary as his teeth rip through his prize. Where's your hurricane now?

As it turns out, the hurricane is in their stomachs, with the salmonella.

Another bead of sweat rolls down his forehead, arms braced taut against the sink. It doesn't last long. They collapse, yet again, with the movement of ducking his head closer to the bottom so he can purge the damned meat from his aching stomach. He wipes his chin with a grimace, trying to ignore Luffy emptying his guts in the toilet beside him. Nausea had hit them so fast and hard there hadn't been any time to isolate themselves in separate bathrooms.

Zoro glares towards the doorway. Hancock sulks from there, voicing worry every few minutes, solely for Luffy. She probably would have barged in by now if Zoro hadn't been blocking her way.

After so long in the foster system, he should know better than eating meat he doesn't know is fully cooked. So many bad experiences with temporary parents being unable to cook it properly nearly turned him vegetarian. Fast food was his saving grace, in that regard. He certainly hasn't missed puking his guts out over food poisoning. Round of applause to Hancock and her bottomless bag for bringing it back.

He'd figured that Sanji, who knows how to cook extremely fucking well, if nothing else, had cooked the meat — not the demon woman herself. Or that they'd, maybe, bought it pre-cooked like normal fucking people, considering the time-crunching that goes into road trips.

"I am so sorry!" she sobs, bottom lip wobbling.

Her tone is so theatrical that he can't even tell if the tears are real. It might be an act, but in the short time he's known her, Hancock doesn't seem the type to openly lose her shit over this. She must care to some extent, Zoro concludes. God, he already knew that, didn't he? Stupid. And Luffy's a pretty forgiving person, even at the worst of times, so he'll probably—

"I don't care." Luffy spits harshly into the toilet, sending her a spiteful glare. "You ruined it!"

Or maybe he won't.

It makes a petty sort of sense. Luffy's love for meat outshines his love for almost anything else. Hancock's actions were bound to royally fuck up any chance she'd had of winning him over. Zoro groans, draping himself over the sink as he lays his cheek on the cool porcelain. Too much thinking while his stomach is trying to turn itself inside out. He'd rather listen to Luffy bite Hancock's head off.

She winces at Luffy's sharp tone and bumps into Zoro's hip as she tries to move forward. He isn't even blocking her out of stubbornness. He just doesn't want to move and aggravate his stomach anymore.

Still, she huffs and spares a moment to scowl at him before reverting to flustered remorse. "I'm sorry! Please, Luffy, if I'd known—"

He ignores her with a disbelieving scoff. "And now even Zoro's sick! The one time I share my meat…"

Zoro senses the guilt there, the needless self-blame for doing him a kindness. It's one of those particular and peculiar things that just seem to make Luffy tick. He catches his eye, giving him a tiny, absent-minded shrug to show he doesn't blame him for this.

Something about it seems to rile Luffy even more. "You know what? Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Zoro!"

Hancock jerks backward, staring at him in cold confusion. "Excuse me? Why should I apologize to the likes of him? I did nothing worth lowering myself to that level of—"

"Okay, that's fucking it!" Zoro bursts out. He grits his teeth and pushes himself off the sink to face her. "Look, Hancock, I don't give a single fuck whether you apologize to me or not. Leave us alone." He turns to Luffy and sighs. "I'm glad you care, but that's really all I want." All I've wanted since she got here.

Sympathy for her situation or not, he hates how it makes him feel to see her and Luffy. Maybe he just resents her for being able to put herself out there and go after what she wants. For being a kindred spirit in circumstance, and yet she's fearless.

Luffy seethes quietly in his remaining anger. He holds onto it for another minute before frowning and nodding. "I don't like it, but if Zoro's fine with it…"

He drapes himself back over the sink. "Definitely."

He's seriously contemplating taking a nap right here. Fuck contemplating, actually. He might as well put one of his few skills to use.

"Okay, then." Luffy stands up, his resolve clear, and shuffles past Zoro to push Hancock out of the doorway. He doesn't slam it in her face so much as he jams it shut when she refuses to let it close, banging and shoving against the wood. He locks it the second it shuts.

The sound of Hancock sputtering protests mixed with Luffy's grumbled, "Was she always this mean to Zoro?" is the last thing he hears as he falls asleep.

"...waking up?"

"Probably! None of you know how to be quiet!" a voice snaps.

Another voice snickers. "Look who's yelling now."

"Shut up, or I promise to toss your flamethrower over a bridge at the next opportunity."

That's definitely Nami, and Ace, given the agonized noise made after her threat.

He blinks himself into full consciousness, only to yell and sit up like a shot when he finds Luffy's eyes extremely close, face nearly nose-to-nose with his. Their heads bang together, and Zoro groans, hoping his nose won't start bleeding. Luffy roars with laughter even as his own does send blood dribbling into his mouth.

"Oh my," comes Robin's concerned gasp, one of the first to notice.

Zoro doesn't even get a chance to panic.

Chopper screams, showing surprising strength as he shoves Ace out of his way to get to them. "Oh my god! Luffy, are you okay?"

"Hey!" Ace squawks in outrage from his place on the floor. "What about the person you just slammed into the World's Worst Carpet? This shit could have diseases."

Predictably, he's ignored.

"Mm!" Luffy nods, still snickering around the hand catching his blood. "I'm fine. Zoro just has a hard head."

His cheeks burn. He kind of wants to crawl into a hole and become a fossil at this point. "It's your fault for not knowing what personal space is, idiot! Don't do that, dammit!"

Luffy laughs harder. "But being far away is no fun!"

Chopper rolls his eyes in fond exasperation and pats the empty bed space beside Zoro. "Here, sit down. Since you're not screaming, it's probably fine, but let me make sure it isn't broken. Will someone please get him some kleenex before this looks like a murder scene?"

Sanji takes this opportunity to chuck the box right at Zoro's head. Zoro barely spares him a scowl before passing it to Chopper, too intent on watching him work.

After shoving a few kleenexes beneath it, Chopper inspects Luffy's nose, turning his head this way and that before humming in satisfaction. He smiles. "It's fine. Pinch the bridge to minimize blood flow, and don't tilt your head back, okay?"

Luffy nods again. "Got it." He grins. "I mean, I have been punched before. A lot of times."

Chopper giggles. "Looks like Zoro's head isn't too hard."

Zoro grumbles. His so-called friends laugh, Sanji the most, because he chooses to believe Chopper's calling him dumb. All this talk of dumbness and heads reminds Zoro of something— well, someone.

"Where's Hancock?" he asks. Not that he particularly wants to see her arrogant mug, but it'd suck to hope she's gone without confirming it first.

"Oh, her?" Luffy waves a dismissive hand as if he's not the one who invited her. "She's being all gloomy in the next room because I kicked her out earlier and wouldn't marry her… or did she say kiss her?" He shrugs, seemingly over the meat incident, since he doesn't mention it. "Something like that."

Before he can stop himself, Zoro blurts a very pointed and intrusive, "Why wouldn't you kiss her?"

Various people in the room let out shocked whoops. Zoro bites his lip as they all turn to him and Luffy, awkwardly intrigued by the tension between them. Luffy cocks his head, thinking hard on his answer, if the bright flush to his face is any indication. Or is that embarrassment?

"Well…" Luffy seems to come to a consensus, bobbing his head in agreement with himself. He smiles, something small that ties Zoro's stomach into knots. "I don't want her to be my first. I'm… saving it for someone."

Zoro opens his mouth to ask a million and one questions, curious as hell and already jealous of whoever the fuck Luffy could be talking about. He's cut off as Franky turns into a blubbering mess across the room.

"Luffy-bro!" he wails, a hulking hand thrown over his eyes as he legitimately cries, fat tears streaking down his cheeks. "That's so beautiful! Super romantic!"

Zoro shakes his head, swallowing down any smart-ass remarks. "Either way, what are we going to do with her?"

Nami shifts her feet, cocking a hip out as she inspects her nails. "I voted leaving her on the streets so she can become a real hooker to pay her bus fare. Or just accidentally pushing her out of the van while it's moving, but—" a despondent sigh "—I was outvoted on both."

"Yeah," Usopp says, "because the first option is horrible and the second one is illegal!"

Robin hums, innocently lacing her fingers together across her lap. "It's only illegal if we're caught…"

Usopp points at her. "You, stop helping."

Robin snickers, sharing a grin with Nami when she beams at her.

Ace shrugs, now sitting cross-legged on the plausibly disease-ridden floor. "The best things are almost always illegal anyway. I can't set fire to everything, after all. The only time it's acceptable is during a campfire."

"How tragic," Robin quips, dismissive, then turns to Zoro. "To put it simply, we'll still be taking her to her sisters. Luckily, it's a relatively short drive now. The town they're staying in is close."

Zoro loves how straightforward Robin is, despite the actual news causing him to scowl. "Of fucking course. Thanks for not giving me the runaround."

Nami rolls her eyes. "Well, excuse me. I was just telling you how we came to that decision, because you would have agreed with my ideas."

"You're right, but I'd rather know how soon she'll actually be gone."

It's Sanji's turn to sob dramatically. "I'm going to miss her infinite beauty!"

"Infinite is severely overstating it," Zoro mutters.

Sanji is so lost in adoration that he ignores him. Probably to keep his delusion alive.

Usopp shakes his head in disbelief. "She's done nothing but kick and use you as a pack-mule since she got here, Sanji."

Wiping his eyes, Sanji shrugs. "It's like having two Namis."

As Nami tackles his ass to the ground ("DO NOT COMPARE ME TO THAT BITCHY, WANNABE SERPENT!"), Robin turns to Zoro again.

"We were all rather… impressed with your ability to fall asleep standing up. Not to mention sprawled across a hard surface. Was that deliberate, or did you simply lose consciousness? Does this happen a lot? How did it come about?"

Despite her fierce interest making him feel like he's under a microscope, Zoro shrugs. "I was tired. And I can fall asleep anywhere, so I did."

"Dude!" Ace pulls himself up from the floor. He holds up his hand for a high-five, which Zoro completes on reflex. "Me too!"

Usopp, Franky and Luffy erupt into laughter.

"Narcolepsy isn't quite the same thing," Robin says.

Ace pouts. "Close enough."

"It's really not."

Zoro cocks his head in confusion. "Narco-what?"

Ace gives him a wide grin. "Narcolepsy! It's a pain-in-the-ass condition that makes me fall asleep at random. Like, I don't even get to choose, man. It's kind of rude. I could drop down for a cat nap right in the middle of this conversation, or while I'm doing anything ever, basically."

"That sounds…" Zoro frowns, "pretty shitty."

Ace nods in eager agreement. "Pretty shitty, indeed." He pauses, as though debating whether to tell him something else or not, before shrugging. "And it's worse when the whole temporary sleep paralysis thing happens. That was terrifying as fuck the first couple of times it happened. Can't move or speak 'n shit, but I've learned to deal. Kinda."

"Jesus, Ace." Zoro shakes his head, amazed that he'd never noticed. But in his defense, they are on a road trip. They're usually in a van and sleeping through parts of the driving doesn't seem unusual at all.

"I know, I'm kind of a walking disaster." He shrugs again. "But I trust you guys enough to keep me out of mortal peril, so it's cool."

The conversation tapers off, but Robin quickly jumps back in with that same curious gleam to her eyes. "Zoro, forgive me for pressing, but you never answered my question. How are you able to fall asleep like that? Is it just a natural talent?"

Normally, Zoro wouldn't answer, but her politeness gets to him, and he shakes his head. "No, I had to pick up the habit because of one of my foster families. They were strict as fuck, and it didn't matter that I was only seven. Whenever I did anything wrong, they forced me to sleep in the doghouse."

Robin blinks at him. "Is… is that a metaphor?"

Normally, Zoro wouldn't answer, but her politeness gets to him, and he shakes his head. "No, I had to pick up the habit because of one of my foster families when I was like... shit, seven? I don't know. They were strict as fuck. Whenever I did anything wrong, they forced me to sleep in the doghouse."

Robin blinks at him. "Is… is that a metaphor?"

"No." Zoro has to chuckle at her obvious, if subdued, bewilderment. "It was an actual fucking doghouse in their backyard. They chained me up sometimes, too, like I really was a dog. Maybe because I bit them once or twice in defiance."

Luffy's mouth twitches, probably not knowing whether he should laugh or frown. The others wear similar expressions. Zoro takes pity and helps them along by bursting into laughter first. The group's faces are too priceless. Even Nami and Sanji have frozen mid-fight — or mid-cuddle, he can't tell the difference with the way they're wrapped up in each other — to crack up on the floor.

At least until Sanji sits up and cocks a swirly eyebrow at him. "Are you making that up?"

Halfway offended, he answers with an uncertain, "No?"

"But…" Nami chimes in, "the laughing?"

Zoro huffs. He's sure he's laughed over way more fucked up shit than this. "Maybe because it's fucking ridiculous and funny?"

Franky hums sadly across the room. "Bro, I don't think that word means what you think it means."

"Excuse you, I have been dragged on a cursed road trip and slept in a sheep-van with six almost-strangers. I think I know what ridiculous is."

The whole group facepalms. Zoro feels like he's missing something, but what's new there?

"I must admit," Robin says, eyes shining with mirth, "despite being a foster kid myself, that's definitely a new one."

Is this slow-burn slow enough...? Is this even a SLOW burn or am I just setting them on fire for brief moments until we forget again? Y'all what does it even mean. Help.