"Slow Burn"(def.): an attraction for someone that is not instant, but grows over time.
-x-
Chapter 23: If I'm on Fire, You'll be Made of Ashes Too
Even on my worst day
Did I deserve, babe
All the hell you gave me?
Because I loved you
I swear I loved you...
-x-
It had been a little over a week since the last time he had seen her. If she was avoiding him, she had made short work of it. In fact, he had been, on some level, expecting to run into her somewhere in some capacity. He hated that he had been reduced to someone who spent their free time obsessing over a girl. Wondering if the next time his phone chimed, it would be her. Constantly, looking up from his books at the library at every sound of familiar footsteps. Making up scenarios in his mind of how their conversations would go the next time they saw each other, various versions ranging from good to bad to neutral all swirling around in his head.
But never had it crossed his mind that the worst outcome would be not seeing her at all.
But as finals dragged on and he studied until the morning only to take exams at night, his hope of actually even just seeing her (forget speaking to her) began to dwindle. As the initial emotions wore off of him, he began to take inventory of what had transpired and how he had single handedly almost ruined three of the most important relationships in his life. And why? Because his nature was to push people away. It was in his nature to make self destructive decisions. And it was in his nature to sabotage his own happiness before some unfair life event could do it for him.
But it was quickly dawning on him that none of those reasons were enough.
Sure, it was because of his mommy issues-he had never actually been in denial of that. He knew the abandonment he felt from his mother led to his distrust of most people. And obviously, the fact that his parents divorced after years of unhappiness led to his overall disillusionment of love. Of course, he was in a constant war with that part of himself that was completely faithless in the idea of a stable, healthy, long term relationship.
It wasn't those things he had to reconcile, he didn't need a therapist to be able to recognize the baggage he had carried with him for as long as he could remember.
What he had to reconcile though, was the fact that these things that had always been such a detriment to his life, were now no longer viable reasons. His friends who he held in the highest regard and much closer than his blood related family (with the exception of Takeru) were tired of making excuses for him, they were tired of accepting these occurrences as part of who he was. And a hard truth that he had always seemed to gloss over was that they could very well cut him out of their lives.
With Taichi in particular, he realized that he took their friendship for granted. Ironically, it was Tai who had always put in the effort to keep their friendship as strong as it was. Tai, who regardless of how many friends he made or how busy he might have been, always made time for him. Always gave not just importance but priority to their brotherhood. A dynamic that he hadn't just taken advantage of, but was altogether completely ignorant to.
Given their history, Tai was the only person that Yamato believed would be by his side forever, no questions asked. And what he had failed to recognize was that this was more of a testament to Tai's unwavering loyalty than anything else.
Yes, he had always been a good friend to Tai too, but it was easy to be friends with Tai for the most part. Tai was one of the most likeable people he had ever met in his life, people wanted to be around him, they gravitated towards him. Tai was open and honest and fun, unlike himself who had an impenetrable sheet of ice around him so thick it might as well be the Arctic Tundra.
As his selfish anger began to wear off, he realized Tai was still very hurt. And once he was able to really understand that he was in the wrong, so much time had passed he felt almost embarrassed even bringing it up.
So they spoke only out of necessity, when it involved mutual interests centering around the loft. But other than that, he had barely seen the brunette.
Which was why that particular morning, when Tai opened the refrigerator while he was at the stove, he turned his head immediately.
"Hey man, I uh." Tai stopped to drink his gatorade. "I need to let you know about something."
Matt took his frying pan off the flame, "I've been meaning to say something to you too." He turned to face him.
Tai nodded, "I'm gonna go first though, because I don't actually want you to hear this from someone else." He pulled a hand through his hair. "I'm going to be moving into the soccer house next semester."
Matt felt like an anvil had been dropped on him, he and Tai had been roommates from the moment they stepped on campus together. He had always assumed they would go through their entire university career being...roommates.
Perhaps another thing he had taken for granted.
So he couldn't hide his shock though he tried to hide the wave of disappointment that ebbed through him.
"Look, I paid through my half of the lease for the next semester, so you won't have to worry about having to cover the rent by yourself." He added, though the thought had not yet crossed Matt's mind.
He was still reeling from the fact that things had actually gotten this bad between them, and the fact that if he hadn't been so stubborn, maybe he could have prevented this from happening.
"Tai, I don't care about that." He did, of course he couldn't afford the loft on his own, but it was low priority. "I've been meaning to apologize to you, Tai. I'm sorry about the way everything went down, I should have never come at you like that." He knew it was too late, he could tell by Tai's stoic expression that it was too late.
Tai looked relatively unfazed, "Took you a little while to get here." He said.
"Dude, I know. I'm saying I fucked up, okay? I don't wanna make excuses or ask you to see it from my perspective but—
"So don't." Tai interrupted him. "Because I will never understand where you're coming from."
Matt sighed, he knew Tai wouldn't be able to empathize with him. He would put money on it that Tai had never had feelings so deep for anything, let alone a female. He was used to one nighters and talking to eight girls at a time.
So Tai was right, he would never actually understand where he was coming from. "I fucking love this girl." He felt his stomach flipping as he said the words out loud, feeling like he was exposing his entire soul in that one sentence. But he knew if there was ever a time and if there was ever a person to be vulnerable to it was now and it was Tai. "And it scares the shit out of me, you have to know how hard this is for me. I wish I could have been a better man about it, but it was hard enough for me to just admit. To even think there was a chance this...I just felt so betrayed." It was probably the most he had spoken in a conversation at one time.
Especially a conversation of such magnitude.
It was as much as he could say, it was more than he felt he should have said. Feeling so out of his depth and raw, it was more than uncomfortable.
Tai just nodded, "And you know what, Matt. If I didn't know all this, I would have punched you in the face already." He said with a short shrug. "But it doesn't change the fact that no matter what the circumstances were you believed, even if it was for a second, that I would do that to you." And that was the crux of the matter.
"And that didn't just make me realize that we aren't as good of friends as I thought we were. It made me realize that you really think I'm a scumbag. More than the fact that you think I could ever be so selfish, it's that I have no fucking loyalty either." He shook his head, it was that part that made this so hard for him to brush off.
Because to him being unloyal was just as bad as being a coward, two things he despised with his entire being.
"Tai, I'm sorry. I was wrong and I know you wouldn't do that to me and that's what I should have said but I…" He should have said that it was just one of his toxic traits to want to find something wrong when things were going well. But it was hard to say out loud without feeling like he was trying to play the victim. "It's Mimi and I, I love her and it scares me shitless, okay?" He was repeating himself, but he didn't know what else to say.
Tai didn't seem moved by the declaration at all. "That's such a cop out and you know it. The girl is so into you it's painful to watch, so what the hell scares you so bad? Because it can't be that she might reject you, even I know better than that." He said, a little irritated.
"It's going there with her, okay. We both know that this thing with me and her, it's not going to move slow. When you've known someone your whole life and you're so close, it's zero to a hundred and I…" It felt like never or forever, as if their relationship could only exist on extreme planes.
Because he knew with Mimi there would be no precaution and it wasn't just her, he knew he would be incapable of slowing himself down. Not when he had been burning for her like this for so long.
There would be no subtlety or pretense, it would be clothes torn off and hearts torn open from the beginning.
A few minutes went by, and they avoided looking at each other. Then Tai let out a sigh, "You know me, Ishida, I shoot it straight. If you weren't my boy, I wouldn't have a goddamn thing to say to you." He said honestly. "I know this kind of stuff is really hard for you, everything with your parents and the divorce and your mom,I know it took a toll on you and we kind of give you a free pass because of that, especially when it comes to Mimi." He admitted.
"Because for the record? What you've been doing to her, playing her hot and cold and jerking her around—it's not cool." Tai continued. "But I kept my mouth shut because I know you and even when you're wrong, I have your back over anyone else's."
Matt pulled a hand through his hair, feeling the guilt of being such a bad friend tightening around his neck like a noose.
"But what happened, it changes shit. I'm not saying we're not friends or something overdramatic like that, but I mean...it's not gonna be the same." And when Tai was serious, it meant he wasn't changing his mind.
Matt felt as though something shattered around him, the ceiling caving in. "I was selfish, Tai. I was the one who was unloyal, okay? I was in a whirlwind of anger and confusion and betrayal. I wasn't thinking straight and I'm not trying to make excuses but the situation was-
"I'm not denying how it looked, I'm not even denying your right to be angry or confused. I wouldn't have even held it against you if you asked me if it were true. What I expected though, was a man to man. A conversation, not an assumption of guilt."
"I get that, okay? I'm in complete agreement, I'm wrong, man. I'm fucking sorry." He rubbed a hand down his face.
"Look, I don't wanna beat this thing, it's dead." He said with a shrug. "I'm over the bullshit, we can move on from this." He said openly, he didn't feel the need to rub salt in the wound by repeating the sentiment that things were probably not going back to the way they were anytime soon, if ever.
But he hoped Matt got the memo.
Matt dropped his hands to his sides, "So we're good?" He asked suspiciously.
"Well, Mimi said I should make you grovel but I think I'll leave that up to her." He threw him a grin. "So, yeah, we're good. But I'm still moving out." As quick as the grin came, it dropped.
Matt didn't say anything.
"I just need some space from all this shit, man. You, me, Mimi all of it, it's too much. I have to focus on soccer and I'm letting this petty drama interfere with my team—it's fucking ridiculous." He said, the frustration practically pouring out of him. He had basically gone to bat for Matt and his falling out with Ryo was the result.
And it ended up being freaking useless, because Ishida believed the worst in him anyway.
Matt nodded, "No, I get it." He didn't want to get it, but he did. "Not sure what to do with the extra space though."
"You always wanted to turn my room into a studio." He said with a laugh.
Matt grimaced, "More to motivate you to clean up." He said in jest.
"Tai, I never wanted things to be this way with us." In truth, he didn't know how things had gotten so screwed up.
When at the beginning of this semester, they had all been so close, their bonds seemingly unshakeable.
Tai shrugged, arms rising a bit from his sides. "It happened. But you know this probably isn't the hardest conversation you'll have, right?" The fallout from that stupid rumor was enormous, it was like a ten on the richter scale and the aftershocks were still pulsing dangerously beneath the surface.
Unfortunately, he knew Tai was right. "I don't even know where to begin with Mimi." He let out a long sigh, his hands twisting around themselves as he felt a wave of anxiety begin to overwhelm him.
"I wouldn't wanna be you." Tai agreed. "I mean, there's nothing you can do but apologize and beg and probably agree to be her slave for the rest of eternity. You know, small things."
Matt shook his head, "I think she'll never speak to me again." He said, trying hard to keep the desperation out of his voice.
He felt humiliated to be so vocal about his emotions as it was.
"Ah, well. We know Mimi's not capable of that, she loves to talk." He said lightly.
"I really messed up with her." he admitted.
"While we're on the subject of your apology tour, you know Sora's a stop on there, right?" He raised his brows.
Matt didn't say anything, grudgingly he supposed he could accept that he unnecessarily offended Sora but having Tai tell him to apologize to her didn't make it easy to swallow.
"And seriously, don't ever talk to her that way again." There hadn't been much emotion attached to their conversation thus far (at least on Tai's part) and yet at the mention of his slight offense towards their redheaded friend, Tai's eyes had lit on fire.
"I heard you, Tai." He said pointedly.
But he wasn't done, "Whatever mess we're in, Sora has nothing to do with it. Don't take your shit out on her and don't hurt her when all she's trying to do is be a good friend." He loved Mimi and he didn't care for the way Matt had been treating her the past couple of months. But Sora was off limits in every situation, she didn't deserve anything but his best behavior because to him, Sora was about as close to perfect as a human could get.
She had never failed him and she was always there when anyone needed her.
"I just told her to mind her own business because she has nothing to do with it." Matt said, now not bothering to hide his annoyance.
But as he looked at Tai, something clicked in the back of his head. "Do you...are you…" He could barely even verbalize it. "Sora?" His eyes widened.
They had been such good friends for so long, the three of them especially and for as long as he could remember they had done such a good job of keeping things close but entirely platonic which sometimes was unheard of when friendships so deep involved those of the opposite sex. And yet, they had navigated through that and gotten past it.
Tai let out a breath through his nose, "I love Sora, is it the way you're implying? No. But I will always protect her. Even if it's from you, Yamato." He gave him a hard stare.
"I love Sora too." It was so much easier to say than when he would say it about Mimi. But he supposed it was two different loves and the latter was just so incredibly heavy.
But Tai didn't say much more about the subject.
As he turned to leave the kitchen, Matt spoke up. "I, I wanna say this because a lot of times I really think that I don't always have to say how I'm feeling." Though this was hardly news for Tai. "But I don't want you to move out, Tai." He assumed that Tai would know as much, but as he had learned time and time again from Mimi specifically—sometimes you have to say it even if you feel like the other person just knows.
Tai just nodded, but the damage was done and that much didn't need to be said.
-x-
Scarves and mitten clad, down jackets and cups of hot coffee in hand, Mimi and Sora trekked through the light snow flurries across campus. They had seen much of each other and none at all, odd because they lived together. But anyone who knew Sora, with her performance based anxiety and neurotic tendencies, would know she had every minute of her days planned around studying and taking exams down to her bathroom breaks.
And while Mimi had a much more laid back attitude towards studying, some might even say a bit too relaxed bordering on entitlement, she was equally as stressed especially about a certain Calculus class where she was hanging on by the tiniest of threads.
So in a rare moment of quiet, a break from Sora's relentless schedule, they took to walking down to the Math building where they both had separate finals to take in an hour.
Sora had originally dedicated this time to revision, but she decided that it might be better spent unpacking what had transpired in the last few weeks. The last they had talked about it, it had been too fresh and too raw and Mimi had not had enough time to process it all. It was all too soon.
"I still can't believe you slapped her." Sora chuckled, taking a sip of her coffee.
Mimi pulled her beanie down a little lower. "Perhaps not my finest hour. But can anyone say she didn't have it coming?" She shrugged.
"No arguments here." Sora said. "Have you…" She debated whether or not she wanted to bring it up.
But they had been somewhat avoiding the subject since it happened, it wasn't anyone's fault but the conversation was so large and looming it always seemed too big to broach on a schedule.
But she wanted Mimi to know that she had her full support.
Mimi took a long sip, "I love him, Sora. I told him and I told him and I told him." It hadn't been in so many words every time, but she had been more than clear about her intentions. "And he couldn't even give me the benefit of the doubt."
Mimi had always been honest almost to a fault. It was something about her that had always been admirable. Because in a world that was full of facades, she had always been confident enough in herself to live in her sincerity. So for Matt to think that she would be so underhanded and then to lie about it? It just felt like a betrayal she would never be able to get over.
He didn't just question her feelings, it wasn't as simple as him believing she was shallow or fickle. It went so much deeper than that, he literally questioned her character, her integrity. Things she held dear to her, things she had prided herself on.
Things she thought he cherished about her, things that he had always said he liked about her.
It just all felt so fake, the weight of their entire friendship and relationship crashing down around her. Years and years wasted, something she had thought was holy and untouchable now broken on the ground. He hadn't just fractured her trust, he had shattered it and on top of that he had changed the dynamic in their group so irrevocably she knew nothing would ever be the same.
All of those things packed into one, made this situation so much harder to grasp and even harder to verbalize. She wondered if she would ever find a way to accurately explain just how bad he had hurt her.
Sora looped her arm with Mimi's, "He's wrong, no excuses." She said firmly.
When it came to Matt, Sora was usually like an attorney. She knew he had a hard time articulating his feelings and she had always felt protective over him because of that. But she had no evidence to present this time, nothing that could come close to justification. And in truth, she didn't want to defend his behavior because it was actually indefensible.
No amount of emotional baggage or trust issues warranted a reaction as extreme as his had been. On some level, she knew that he had reacted that way because he was terrified of Mimi and everything she had represented in his life. And he was afraid of her love, because it seemed so pure and intentional and unconditional, something he had no experience with. She knew he felt like a fish out of water, out of his depth and floundering.
But the collateral was too much this time, the move was too selfish.
"It's just so much more than being wrong though, isn't it?" Mimi sighed. "I mean the way things have just fallen apart...do you know Tai is moving out?" She said with wide eyes.
Sora nodded, "Yeah, yeah I know. I think he just needs a break from the drama." She said with sympathy. "You know Tai doesn't do well with these types of...entanglements."
Mimi let out a chuckle, "Tai's got a one track mind. Well, two track if you count the other extracurricular in his life." She said lightly.
"Being a male gigolo?"
Mimi let out a laugh.
During a slight lull in the conversation, "Are you and Tai okay?" Sora asked cautiously.
"Tai's my friend, I won't let anything change that." She replied. "He's really been there for me these last couple of months, I know I blamed him before—but...it was misplaced." She admitted.
"He doesn't show it, but this whole thing has really affected him too." Sora mentioned. "I think he feels the shift in his friendship with Matt a lot more deeply than he's letting on."
Sora worried for Tai, sometimes unnecessarily but right now it wasn't. She knew him probably better than anyone in his life (except his sister) and though he was not one to hide his emotions, he didn't exactly deal with them in a conventional way either. She knew he hated letting things bother him or holding grudges, but that didn't mean he was over it.
Mimi nodded, "Well, he is moving out." She reminded the redhead.
Sora frowned, "I just wish we could rewind the last couple of weeks." She sighed.
"To the night of my birthday." Mimi rolled her eyes. "If only you didn't go home with Sam." She teased.
"If only you didn't go home with Tai." Sora threw her a sweet smile.
Mimi elbowed her, "Too soon, S. Too soon." She shook her head.
"Speak of the devil and he shall appear." Sora pointed towards a familiar bushy haired figure walking towards them from the opposite direction.
He was with a couple of the guys from the team, but he made no excuses as he made a beeline for the girls.
"Guess who just took his last final." He pumped a fist in the air before giving a loud woop.
"Did you even show up for our Lit final, Tai?" Mimi said as they stopped in front of him to talk.
"Barely." He wasn't an early riser, everyone knew that.
So while he walked into the final ten minutes late, he was confident he passed this time.
"How are you already done?" Sora moaned in bemusement. "I have three more counting this one." She felt the anxiety creeping back in.
"Sora you have a four point GPA, you've literally never even got a B in your entire academic career." He put his hands on her shoulders. "Just relax. You're going to be fine." He told her with half a grin.
But the platitudes didn't do much for her, she was aware of all of these things but it didn't make her feel even remotely better. "You know that's not easy for me." She knitted her brows.
The part of her personality that drew people to her was her compassion and her understanding and her innate ability to make them feel safe-her warmth. The way she loved so effortlessly and completely, the way she worried over her friends and family.
But the other side of that coin had always been when the worry morphed into anxiety over things outside of her control. It was all consuming and relentless and at times debilitating.
"Sora, you're probably the smartest person I know." Mimi offered. "And you still study your ass off, you could probably teach all your classes with how well you know the material."
Sora pulled a hand through her hair, "I, I just need to do well." She said, because she just had to be perfect. "Anyway, are you going back to Odaiba now?" She needed to change the subject.
Tai knew she was avoiding, but he didn't press her. "Not yet, the guys have a rager planned tonight. You girls are welcome to come." He invited them.
They both declined immediately, neither in the mood to party or drink.
"So when do you go back?" Sora asked again.
"I have to pack my shit up at the loft, so once all that is done I'll head out." He said vaguely, not one for plans.
She nodded, "Well, if you can wait until Friday, we can go back together and it'll save my mom a trip up." Sora suggested, but really she was asking for a favor.
"You got it, Red." Tai ruffled her hair.
"And while you're at it, you can drive me to the airport." Mimi gave him a bright smile and batted her lashes.
Tai made a disgruntled sound at that. "Isn't your flight at four in the morning or something!" He was not going to be getting roped into that one, he'd sooner call her an uber. "And isn't your dad a freaking mob boss or something, shouldn't he have a car waiting for you." He said ruefully.
Mimi gave him a glare. "My dad is not a mob boss, Tai." She said pointedly. "And yes, I suppose I could call a car but I'd just be sad the whole way there."
"I'll think about it."
"My flight isn't at four, by the way. It's at two in the afternoon." She added.
Tai let out a long sigh, "The things I do for you girls. I wonder where you'd be without me." He said pensively.
"Thank you Tai." Mimi pecked his cheek.
"Hey, hey. Let's not give people the wrong idea here, Mi." He said in jest. "Six feet of distance is probably the healthiest thing right now."
Sora rolled her eyes, "We're gonna be late, see you Tai." She gave him a hug.
"Good luck, Sor." He said into her ear.
"And seriously think about coming to the party!" He called out to them.
-x-
There was a very specific place Sora studied when she was stressed, he knew this about her because he had known her for so long. And for not the first time recently, he's reminded of the importance of history.
It was a tiny alcove upstairs, where there was a small desk and comfortable chair and a look on her face that said bother me at your own risk. He was unaccustomed to seeing anything but a soft smile on Sora's face, so the frown lines creasing her forehead made him uneasy. Sora was the most stable thing in his life, she had always been. Dependable and trustworthy and always in his corner.
Yet he alienated her somehow, which probably said a lot more about him than Sora. Because it took alot to make her walk away.
He tapped the top of the desk with one finger.
Sora did not stop typing furiously, just looked up from her laptop while her fingers were still moving. "Hey." She acknowledged, before looking back down.
"Can we talk?" He asked tentatively.
She stopped typing. "I...I'm in the middle of something, Matt." She looked apologetic and he could tell it wasn't just an excuse.
He knew what she was like when she had to study.
He nodded, "No, it's fine. Just...let me know when you have the time." He tried to keep the defeat out of his voice.
Sora let out a small sigh, "You know what? It's okay, five minutes won't make or break anything." And he knew how hard that was for her to say.
Because Sora had everything scheduled, down to the minute. So to diverge from her carefully laid out plans…
She got up, nodding her head towards the exit.
They left the library in silence, before finding a bench to sit on right outside in the hallway. "I'm so sorry, Sor. I had no right to snap at you." He apologized immediately, sincerely, head down.
Sora smiled, "You know I was never mad at you." She put a gently hand on his shoulder. "Not for my sake, anyway." She added.
"I know, but still. It was wrong, I know that."
Sora shook her head, "Bygones. I don't care about that, Matt. I just want you to talk to me." She said honestly.
But that was something he had such a hard time with.
"What's going on with you? It's not like you to push your friends away." Well, it was actually a little like him to do that, but never to this degree.
When push came to shove, he would usually cave in and talk to someone-whether it was Takeru or Taichi or Sora.
Matt dropped his head into his hands, "I don't want things to be this way, I hate that they are." He admitted. "I let my insecurities get away from me, it was so stupid."
She nodded, "We love you, Matt. We're the people who would die before hurting you, the ones you call when you feel like you're at rock bottom with nowhere to go. The ones you know have your back, come whatever." She shrugged a shoulder. "What made you question that?"
"Because I have never had anything good in my life stay-
"That's bullshit and you know it." Sora interrupted him. "I'm here, I've always been here. So has Tai."
"But with Mimi, it's different. All these feelings are so new to me and it probably sound so fucking dramatic but the very idea of her paralyzes me, Sora." He said in frustration. "It is so crippling to me, just the notion that I could care for something so deeply and they might one day just disappear..." it was the same old story, he supposed he was a broken record.
Obsessive and compulsive, he would think everything to death before it had the chance to begin and then just convince himself it wasn't worth having in the first place.
His thoughts would become cannibalistic devouring themselves, mutating rationality and reality into this insidious, all consuming darkness. It wasn't actually the reality of Mimi no longer being in his life that scared him the most, it was what he would be left with that did.
Because he couldn't miss something he never had, but the pain of losing her would, in his mind, be devastating beyond repair.
And in all his paranoia, he ended up without her anyway.
Sora took a deep breath, "I'm going to say something and I need you to understand it is coming from a place of love." She began. "Remember when I told you I was having those night terrors and my mom wanted me to see someone? I still have their number, I, I can set up an appointment for you if you…" The look on his face made her realize he wasn't taking it well.
She sighed. "In any case, if you change your mind." She offered.
He wouldn't meet her gaze, a frown pulling at the corners of his mouth.
"I, I'm not cr—
She stopped him with a look, "I know you're not." She said firmly, "I just think talking to someone you can speak to candidly, without inhibitions...could be helpful."
But he just looked away.
"It's okay." She smiled, putting a hand over his. "Whatever happens, Matt...I'll always be here for you. You know that, don't you?" She asked gently.
"Thought you were team Mimi for life?" He said with a dry chuckle.
Sora gave a laugh, "Always." She nodded. "But I'm team Matt, too, hope that never got lost in all this." She mentioned.
"Nah, it didn't. But thanks for saying it."
-x-
It was the day before the University would close for the holidays, most of campus had gone back to their respective homes for the break. Matt knew it was the last chance he had to talk to Mimi and he had to at least try.
He assumed she was going back to New York, but he had no way to be sure. And perhaps it was the idea that in the next six weeks he would have next to new communication with her that had propelled his decision to show up at her door, because the anxiety he felt over the conversation (or maybe that there wouldn't be one because she would just slam the door in his face) had been overshadowed by the fact that this was it.
Six weeks was just too long to leave things like this.
So as his knuckles rapped against a familiar dorm room, dread coiled dangerously in his stomach like a python.
She opened the door and though he wished he had been able to read her face, gauge her expression whether it was shock or anger or relief, but he couldn't. Simply, because he had not seen her in what felt like an eternity and for that moment just the mere sight of her had knocked the air straight out of his lungs and the thoughts right out of his brain.
Undeniably, and as always, she was absolutely and breathtakingly beautiful.
He wondered, briefly, if she had this effect on all people who met her for the first time, because that's what it felt like for him.
Like he was seeing her for the first time in his life.
Without even a speck of makeup and her hair thrown up in a haphazard ponytail, dressed in just a tank top and a pair of looser fitting sweatpants.
And still entirely an angel.
"Hello." She said easily and he felt his mouth dry up at the sound of her voice.
Had he ever been convinced that he wasn't completely in love with the girl standing before him, this visceral response was his entire body's way of vehemently telling him otherwise.
"Are you busy?" He asked lamely, he wished he had been cooler (which normally came very easily to him) but he was completely unprepared for whatever would happen next.
It scared him, if he was honest, to feel so outside of himself and out of control of the situation.
"Just finishing packing up my things." She said with a shrug, "Do you need something?" She put a hand on her hip.
He would have smirked at the stance, he had always found it just a tad adorable when she wanted to be stern.
"I just wanted to talk, Mimi…" He shoved his hands in his pockets.
"Do you think you deserve any sort of conversation from me?" She raised an eyebrow.
"I…" He pulled a hand through his hair. "I wanted to apologize." He reworded.
She relented a sigh, "Fine." Opening the door up wide enough for him to walk in.
Noticeably empty was Sora's side of the room, everything barren down to the stripped bed sheets off the mattress.
"Sora's gone?" He asked for the sake of cutting into the silence that was almost oppressive.
Mimi shook her head, "Tomorrow, she's spending the night with Sam." She answered flatly.
Mimi's clothes were stacked a mountain high on the bed, though everything else seemed to be packed up. He wasn't surprised that the tallest task for her was getting her clothes and shoes in order.
"Can I help you?" He gestured to one of the open boxes on the floor.
She looked up at him, "No, just speak." She answered.
"You know I'm no good at that." His attempt to lighten the mood fell on deaf ears.
She began to fold a sweater, "Then I think you can show yourself out, Matt. Because I really don't have much to say to you." She was hardly so cold, it pained him that he had hurt her so badly to witness this side of her.
"I'm really sorry, Mi." He said in a small voice, sincerity dripping from every word. "I should have never...I wish I could take it back. I was so stupid and I was driven by emotions and I felt so betrayed." He wasn't sure how coherent he was being.
She placed the sweater in the box, "I get that, Matt. But it doesn't change anything." She had done the tears, the despair, the damsel waiting for her prince.
She was over it.
"I'm not trying to change your mind, I just need you to know that I made such a big mistake. I should have never questioned you or Tai. it just all sent my mind into a tailspin and the very thought of that had driven me crazy. Mimi, I…" He wanted to say it.
He wished the words would have come out.
But he just knew she didn't want to hear that right now.
She looked up at him, "Matt, do you realize how much more there is to it than just that? Because I feel like you don't." She got up from the floor. "I mean you didn't just think that I was capable of completely betraying your trust and sleeping with your best friend." The words came out with such disgust and disappointment she could barely get it out.
Matt cringed, her voice cutting through him like a knife.
"You knew how I felt about you, Matt. It never changed for me. I let you make a fool out of me over and over again because I loved you that much." She crossed her arms over her chest. "And you still believed her over me."
He felt like the biggest asshole on the planet because it was all true. He had, time and time again, taken her for granted. And she did forgive him just about every time.
And just like that—he knew he was already too late. There was nothing he could say to make things better, to change them. She was all out of chances, running on empty for patience. They weren't just going to move on, this time had been the last time.
But that was the thing about the tipping point, you could only define it in retrospect.
"Mimi, I'm sorry. I will never be sorry enough. I would do anything for you, please, you have to know that." He felt lame, he could see it on her face—none of what he was saying made any difference to her.
If anything, she just looked tired.
"The worst of all of this, Matt. Is the fact that, that I keep going back to that first night where you stood there in the freaking loft kitchen and you promised me that you weren't going to be the guy who hurts me." The memory burned on her like a tattoo.
"You had always been my safe space, the person who made me feel like I could just be exactly who I wanted at any moment. And to be stripped of that was devastating, what I mourn the most is the loss of our friendship and the person who had always been there for me. But I did mourn it, Matt, slowly over the last few months as I had to painfully let go of our relationship in parts and pieces—like my soul was being pulled apart by a wire hanger." She took a deep, shaky breath.
"But I did it. And now? Now, I'm done with it." It wasn't the words that threw him off balance, or the sentiment that knocked the air out of him. It was the finality in her voice that shook him down to his very core.
She was unyielding, she left no room for discussion.
"I love you." He blurted it out and it was sounded so stupid and desperate and he could see the look on her face as she went from angry to incredulous to almost laughing.
"You've got to be kidding me." She shook her head in disbelief and disappointment.
"I do, I, I was coming over here to tell you that when I saw Z in the parking lot and I fucked everything up." He said miserably, for once letting his guard down.
He knew it didn't mean anything, that she was going to walk away from him too. But unlike with his mother, and Lucy, this had been entirely his fault.
Though he should have seen this ending coming, the self fulfilling prophecy. In his attempts to combat his worst fears, he had ultimately made them come true.
She felt something incredibly hard inside of her soften just a crack at his vulnerability. It was rare to see him this way and there was a part of her that just wished she could hug him. The part of her that still loved him so immeasurably and completely that it had once threatened to consume her. The part of her that knew him at his core and understood just how difficult this was for him.
But the part that was strong, the part that refused to let her go down this road again, where she put his feelings before hers only to get burned. That part refused for her to be played like a fool again.
He might mean the words coming out of his mouth now, but he should have meant them weeks ago or months ago or even days ago.
It was too late now.
"Yamato, I'm not doing this, okay?"
Boldly, he reached for her, tangling a hand in her soft tresses. "I know I hurt you, baby." His voice was soft and slow and a little hoarse as if caught with unshed emotion. "Whether you forgive me for it or not, I never will. And maybe you'll never believe me, but I need you to hear this at least once more from me...I love you, Mimi Tachikawa. I'm so fucking sorry it took me this long to say it." Because now that it was out, he felt free.
But it wasn't enough, not even nearly.
"Stop." She moved his hand away from her, "I need time, Matt. And, and some space. Okay?" She said, her voice barely above a whisper but firm all the same.
She cared for him deeply, she always would. It brought her no joy to see him hurting, not just because she loved him but also because it would just be so pointless to even try. Nothing she could do to him would be worse than the hell he had put her through.
"Space." The world rolled off his tongue like something acrid and bitter. "That is the word of the season." He muttered.
She didn't quite understand what he meant by that, but she could guess he was referring to Tai.
"I'm going to New York tomorrow." She continued, even though a part of her didn't think she owed him a damn thing. But it had never been in her nature to be casually cruel, so she wanted to let him know just for the simple reason so he didn't find out after she was already gone.
"Can I call you while you're there?" He asked, trying to keep the hope of his voice.
"I think it would be better if you didn't." She answered, inspecting the overflowing suitcase on her bed.
There was no way this thing was going to meet the weight requirements at the airport.
He had expected that response. "Will you call me?" He asked.
"I don't know right now, Matt." She gave him a glance over her shoulder. "I don't trust you, at all. I hope you know that." She looked him dead in the eyes as she said it.
He winced.
"When are you going to be back?" He pushed anyway.
She shook her head, "I don't know, okay? And even if I did, I don't think I would tell you." She didn't like being mean or harsh, it went against her nature. But she also couldn't fake it, not for Matt-not for anyone.
"Will you…? Come back, that is?" He asked softly, after a few minutes.
She turned around with a sigh and said. "Yes, I'll be back." She supposed she could have said maybe or left it open ended for dramatics, she did have a flair for that, afterall. But it just felt unnecessary, he looked so freaking sad already.
"I'm not trying to put you through the ringer, okay? I know you've probably had a hard day or week or couple of weeks. I'm not under the impression that any of this has been easy on you, either." Mimi said honestly. "But I can't pretend that I'm not angry or that I even want to be around you."
Matt nodded. "I wish I could take it all back, Meems. I swear I would do everything differently" He promised, head hanging.
"I guess I can appreciate that." She said, without much emotion. "I really need to finish packing though." She looked at the time and it was the truth.
But she also wanted him to leave, just standing here in front of him was killing her. Forcing herself to choke back tears when all she wanted to do was sob her eyes out and forcing herself to be stony and resolved when all she wanted to do was feel his familiar embrace.
It was torture.
"I, yeah. No, I'll go." He said a bit reluctantly, but what choice did he really have.
Before leaving he asked, "Do you have a ride to the airport?" He rubbed the back of his neck.
She didn't turn around. "Tai's driving me down." She said quietly.
He refused to acknowledge the little green monster awakening in his chest at the mention of this. "Got it." He said dryly, the bitterness creeping into his voice anyway.
Her eyes flashed as she whipped her head around to glare at him. "Tai's my friend, and this nasty rumor has ruined so many things for me. I won't let it ruin that by making things weird between us." She said without missing a second, without making excuses, without an ounce of remorse.
She supposed she could have been gracious. She could have assuaged him, letting him know that Sora would also be along for the ride. Comforted him, by telling him that he had nothing to worry about. She could have continued to be the bigger person.
But it was that tiny lilt in his voice that had the nerve to sound just the slightest bit offended or accusatory that was enough to flip her bitch switch.
"And you know what? I don't have a single thing to feel guilty about that night except getting too drunk and kissing you when I knew it was the worst thing I could do." She added insult to injury only because she could. "Won't be making that mistake again, though."
Because really, he should have been walking on eggshells and kissing her feet. If all the remorse he was expressing was to be believed, he had no right to sound even remotely irritated.
"Classy, Mimi." He responded sarcastically. "Have a good trip."
She watched him leave, and all the tears she had all but choked on with how hard she had them pushed down her throat, came flooding out of her the second the door slammed behind him. And it wasn't long until she was sitting on the carpeted floor with her unfolded sweater still clutched in her hands and her tears soaking into the fabric.
For everything that she had been crying about the last few weeks, this one hurt the worst.
Because he had just told her he loved her and it broke her heart all over again.
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And so we sink beneath the waves
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
Cursing my name, wishing I'd stayed
You turned into your worst fears...anyway
Look at how my tears ricochet
-x-
A/N: Well, well, well. Isn't this a surprise for everyone...NOT. I know you guys aren't shocked by the time between updates anymore but hey at least I haven't hit a year make YET between chapters so like, that's good?
I really hope you guys liked this chapter, I worked on it in parts and pieces some of this predating the chapter before this one so I really hope it doesn't read like some frankenmonster.
Okay, so before I get to the reviews, I have a super random and weird note I'm putting in this. So I'm kind of into astrology just like for funsies, and I just randomly thought like what would the big three of the original digidestined be, and this is what I came up with. If you're not into astrology at all, you can skip this part. But if you are, then totally get into this. And, if you just want to comment what you think their sun signs are, tell me that too!
A little background for anyone interested: The big 3 in astrology consists of your 1.) Sun sign: which is the one that most people know about themselves, it's the one based off your birthdate (2) moon sign: which is generally considered to be your inner self and (3) Rising sign: which is kind of like the first impression people get of you or how you might come off if they don't really know you.
So here's my opinions:
Mimi: 1.) Sagittarius sun-First of all, I've seen Mimi's birthday be like December 16 or 17th a few times so that's the main reason. But also, she exudes sagittarius energy. She's positive and optimistic, she's the life of the party and people love to be around her. Sagittarius' are also very open and honest and SINCERE. She's fun and light and overall joyful. But she can be flighty and a little shallow as well.
2.) Pisces moon: The moon sign represents our inner most self, how we handle emotions and conflict etc. So I think Mimi being dreamy, emotional, over dramatic, kind of self centered and little unrealistic gives me major pisces energy. On top of that, I think she tends to overwhelm herself with her emotions, so yeah.
3.) Libra rising: The rising sign is kind of like how people who don't know you or meet you for the first time see you, it's like the energy you give off. I feel like Mimi is 100% a libra rising, Libra is ruled by venus which makes it like exude beauty and confidence. I think Mimi being beautiful, very into appearances and like the finer things in life and caring a lot about what people think of her, it just fits.
Yamato: 1.) Aries sun-I saw somewhere that Matt has like an early April birthday which would totally make him an Aries, but the shoe fits. It's the most loyal sign, Aries are notorious for being the best friends and valuing friendships and relationships a lot (so like duh?)
2.) Scorpio moon-I mean, I feel like this is self explanatory but true Scorpio vibes with Matt. He's guarded, he hides his emotions, he's hard to get to know, he takes a long time to let down the walls and let people in. But on the flip side, he's mysterious and broody and artistic and like effortlessly cool. So yeah, Scorpio energy for sure.
3.) Aquarius rising-mostly because he's reserved and considered to be overall a little apathetic.
Tai: 1.) Leo Sun: I mean, come on. Lion, courage, bravery, brashness, outgoing, LEADER. Like Tai is a Leo, no one can convince me otherwise.
2.) Sagittarius moon: mostly because he deals with his emotions in a direct way, he's pretty blunt and says what's on his mind and values honesty.
3.) Aries rising: because he's super social and likeable but also Aries is represented by the ram which-stubbornness, something Tai has in spades. But also, Aries is ruled by Mars which makes it a temperamental sign and while I think overall Tai is rather easy going, when he's pushed to the edge he explodes, so yeah.
(Note, I really was tempted to say triple leo for Tai because he radiates big Leo energy to me, but i felt like it wouldn't do justice to his depth. So I just gave him an all fire big three LOL)
Sora: Cancer Sun: Cancer is ruled by the moon, the sign is maternal and caring and soft and sensitive. Super just like motherly and empathetic.
Cancer Moon: The moon is at home in this placement, which is why I think Sora is as maternal as she is. She can be a little withdrawn and afraid to share her own vulnerabilities because she doesn't want to be a burden, so she puts on a very brave face and tries to deal with things on her own. But when it comes to the people she cares about, she's always there and she wants to make things better.
Virgo rising: Mixing it up a little because I see Sora as a bit of a perfectionist, so it gives me virgo vibes.
Jyou: Aquarius Sun: they're generally the most "conventionally" book smart and like overall dedicated/hard working.
Taurus moon: I mean, reliable, dependable. Jyou gives me full Taurus moon vibes
Capricorn rising: Hard working and overall very motivated and goal oriented.
Koushiro: Virgo sun: literally the sign that loves to learn and loves knowledge (think: Hermione Granger, the quintessential virgo), very intellectual.
Virgo moon: analytical approach to emotions, very pragmatic and logical in situations almost to a fault (being too unemotional)
Aries rising: strong, passionate about their interests and very good at what they do.
Takeru: Pisces sun-I mean, like dreamy and artistic and full of hope almost to a detriment because they tend to get let down by having high expectations.
Cancer moon: soft and emotional, TK strikes me as someone who would have a lot of water in their chart so cancer/pisces combo makes sense to me.
Sagittarius rising: The most optimistic sign, fun loving and free. I think this would balance out his personality, kind of evens out all the emotions and stuff.
Kari: Libra sun: Balanced, well liked, air signs in general seem to be the ones that are able to get along with everyone (as oppose to like fire signs LOL) Libras in particular are known to be kind of mediators and super neutral, always trying to see both sides. They're also very calm natured.
Gemini moon: So I see Kari as like a gemini moon because I think she can have a hard time making decisions (the TK/Davis thing) and like not be completely sure of her choices. But on the flip side, she's social and fun to be around and easy to get along with.
Cancer rising: Mostly because I think she's really sweet and caring and super empathetic.
Alright, that got super deep and it'll be a little embarrassing if no one cares or knows about astrology LOL, I mean feel free to skip over all of that if it's not your cup of tea. BUT IF IT IS, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF MY ANALYSIS AND TELL ME YOURS! I'm like genuinely so curious!
Okay, onto the REVIEWS:
Guest (1): Hi! Thank you for taking the time out to review! Yes, the slap was a fan favorite, can't say she didn't see it coming, huh? LOL, I did try to build up the angst a little here because honestly it's my favorite (shocker) and the Tai/Ryo thing was like collateral damage. Honestly, the message I was trying to convey was that Tai would go to bat for Matt anyday, like that's his best friend so when he didn't get the same in return, it really changed things for Tai.
Absolutefaith: Hello! Thanks so much for reviewing and of course, reading! I love seeing everyone's feedback. I know as a reader the whole "will they, won't they" can get a bit annoying, but I don't know, I just can't let them have a happy ending...yet. Matt needs to work for it, if he ever wants a shot with Mimi again, you know? Hope you liked this chapter, really looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this one!
Clefeifei: Oh wow! Thanks so much for reviewing, I'm so glad you liked the chapter! Honestly, the Sora/Tai scenes are just getting so fun to write. And honestly, I just love their friendship so much, I always have. I feel like Taiora are so amazing together because they're such good friends and that foundation is there. If you liked Tai defending Sora in the last chapter, well, I hope you enjoyed it even more in this one because Tai definitely let Matt have it! Thank you so much for your well wishes, we're all doing really well and I hope the same for you! Thank you for reading and keeping up with me, I hope to hear from you soon!
Isabel Nightray: hi bestie! I never know how much I miss you until I read your reviews because they're always the best! Yes, Matt messed up big time and I think he knows it, or at least I hope that comes across in this chapter as well as the upcoming chapters, homeboy needs to work on himself. YES, we love Sora around her, our unproblematic, SUPPORTIVE, queen. She's always such a fun time to write for me, at least. The Sora/Mimi friendship is a focal point for me because I've just always hated the idea of them being somewhat pitted against each other. Tai is an absolute fave, it's funny that you should mention that I should write a Michi because I literally did start writing a love triangle fic like almost two years ago, I have like four or five chapters fleshed out but I hate how Mimato inclined I am, I feel like I'll never do a Michi fic justice. I just love Tai so much and I just love him with Sora so much too. Tai's just a dumb guy, he didn't think anything of the Cat thing because he literally doesn't understand girl emotions. LMAO, your Ryo comment had me dying (could be worse, he could be Yamato) I literally LOL'd, Yama's getting so much hate in the reviews and it's so deserved. Like I just love you, you're so funny. Yes, Mimi needs to give no explanations because literally, for what. Like Matt's the one who's got work to do.
As for the friendship closeups, ask and you shall recieve. I think, aside from like a direct Taiora friendship interaction, I got all the other ones in in individual scenes? Let me know how that was.
I love you! Hubby and baby are good (baby's getting so big so quick) and everything's been going really well! Hope you're good, I can't wait to hear what you thought of this chapter, so hurry and let me know!
Jo: Hi! Thank you for leaving such a thought out and long review, I love reading them! I'm so grateful for your continued support! Yes, leave me all the long reviews, I love blabbing! I'm so glad you liked the chapter, I know this one was a long wait as well so I hope it was also worth it!
Yes, it was confrontations galore last chapter, this was more of like the aftermath but I think it was still intense towards the end. Haha, the slap heard around the world, I feel like everyone was just like FINALLY! It was satisfying writing it, even though at the time I was like uhhh am I going too far? Is this too dramatic? LOL, but everyone loved it so I'm happy. Yes, I chalk up Tai's naivete to him just being a dumb boy who literally doesn't think about his decisions because he doesn't really have to. Girls are usually the subject of most rumors and they're always the ones that have to deal with the most consequences because of them. HAHA, Ryo being cancelled was funny.
Aww, I get your confusion about Yama, I think it's hard to not feel like a teensie bit of sympathy for him. Like obvs no excuses for the behavior, he sucks, but like he's also a little emotionally stunted. Sora's our unproblematic queen, always, she just wants everyone to be happy :/ and like she just loves her friends.
Yes! I was hoping the end scene with Tai and Matt would be like a little bit of an emotional read because like seriously, Matt? Come on.
Thank you so much, as usual your review was so great and I loved reading it so much! I hope this next chapter is up to your expectations (it's definitely NOT sunshine and rainbows, but I think deep down you knew it wouldn't be that easy LOL) I really can't wait to hear your thoughts on this one!
Angelic Moonlight: Hi! Love seeing you pop up in the reviews! Yes, the slap was just very deserved and a long time coming at this point. LOL, everyone wants Cat to get the hands next but like come on, is she even worth it? Yes, I tried to speed up the interactions a little bit in the last chapter as well as this, these next few chapters aren't going to feel as filler-ish because things are starting to come to a head. I'm trying to move things along at a more quicker pace now because everything's heating up. I know, Matt does not deserve any kind of explanation from Mimi, if anything he needs to be just be apologizing, am I right?
Yes, we are approaching the end! But don't worry, all ends will be tied up! You'll be satisfied with the way things go, I think (I hope)
Thank you so much for your well wishes, I hope you're doing well! I can't wait to hear from you soon, let me know what you thought of this chapter!
Guest (3): Omg, aww. This was so sweet, it really made my day! Thank you so much for taking the time out to review, please don't hesitate to comment more, I love hearing everyone's thoughts! I truly appreciate your words so much, thank you for saying that and please don't be nervous or shy! Thank you for your congratulations, we're doing well. I hope you're doing well and staying safe!I loved hearing from you,I can't wait to hear what you thought of this chapter :)
Guest (4): Hi, I'm back. Drop me a line, let me know what you thought!
MiKari-YamTk: Hi, I updated! Hope you like this chapter, can't wait to hear what you thought!
Kdesir228: Lmao, hey, I'm back, I finally updated, sorry it took forever. Let me know how you liked it!
Guest (5): Update is here, hope you like it!
ShippyTrash15: Sorry I took so long to update! Hope you liked this chapter, let me know what you thought of it!
Guest (6): Omg, so nice of you to say, I'm blushing! I hope you liked the latest installment, even though it took forever to get out! I'm doing well, I hope you are too! Let me know what your thoughts are on this chapter, look forward to hearing from you soon!
EroPrincess: AHHH, YOU ARE NOT READING MY WORK! Lol, I love you, you were literally one of the first mimato authors I ever read and you know I fangirl'd over your work! I'm so excited you reviewed and read the first two chapters! Yes! Tai being a playboy is literally the only version of College Tai I have in my head, I can't see him settling down with a gf at this time, I feel like he's not ready for Sora at all. Haha, I can't wait until you get towards the later chapters where Z really comes into her own.
Ch2 review: The Ryo/Z dynamic is interesting as the chapters go on because of their separate interests in Matt and Mimi, if you end up reading the rest of this I'd love to know what you think of it all. AND PLEASE UPDATE I WANT U:AGAIN, I'M WAITING!
Okay, that's the end of the reviews! As always, you guys are the best, I love this fandom, we're really keeping this ship alive, LOL. Thank you for all the love and support, I am so freaking lucky to get to talk to you guys! I hope everyone has held up okay during this horrible time in history, I think we're getting out to the other side now and I'm hoping you're all doing well!
Song credits: Lots of T Swift.
My Tears Ricochet: Taylor Swift