A/N: Storytime with ex-Spades who are a bunch of traitorous bastards!
"I almost feel bad for him." laughed Cornelia.
"Sure," said Deuce with all the sarcasm he possessed, "I can tell by your witch laughter."
"Come on Writer-boy! Can't you feel the power of payback overtake your soul?"
"It may or may not resonate with me." he smirked.
Thatch looked at the laughing group and finally asked.
"So, how did you guys meet our favourite deranged marine?"
Every ex-Spade immediately shivered and became blue.
"Why did you do this to us, Commander!" cried Mihar.
"The mare thought alone makes me want to drown…" muttered Finamore
Wallace started rocking back and forth on the ground repeating 'I don't remember, I don't remember!' Cornelia and Banshee were hugging each other crying. Saber only looked into space completely lost.
Skull sweatdropped at the bunch of over-theatrical idiots he called friends.
"To put it simply," the informant laughed stiffly, "Mr Garp found us first and Ace, being the asshole that he is, never told us about that particular family connection…" before he could finish Marco put his arm around his shoulder.
"Hold right there, Skully. You're going to tell us this story as it should be done."
"Our resident turkey-" Thatch moved his head to the side to dodge a blue flaming ball. Someone behind him yelped "-is right. These sorts of stories are a source of glorious blackmail!"
"Agreed!" Deuce said. It seemed out of all ex-Spades he was the only one in a good mood for a bit of remembrance.
"You speak my language, Thatch!" said Haruta, grinning enthusiastically.
A few minutes later Deuce, Skull and the rest of ex-Spades found themselves on a platform on the main deck. The whole crew (at least those who were present on the Moby at the moment) sat there while the 4th Division was running back and forth bringing snacks.
Skull sweatdropped. It seems his ex-captain's tight-lips finally brought the worst from the crew. Everyone was thirsty for some gossip.
The ship was slowly approaching the island and now the loud noises of destruction could be heard along with flares of fire.
"I hope you're not dead, Ace." the ex-Spade informant muttered to himself just when Haruta yelled to start telling the story.
Deuce came forth and said.
"I'm going to narrate the shit out of this!" he said giddily and then turned to Saber "You're going to be our 'Ace'."
"Why me?" asked the pirate-turned-actor.
"Because you both have cowboy hats and you can change voices. Now up you go, mate."
He then turned to his audience and began the story.
"It all started when we were young and innocent pirate crew-"
The entire ship laughed at the thought of the crazy bunch ever being innocent.
"The day was beautiful, '' he continued. "Only one thunderstorm hit us and barely five waterspouts passed by Spadile."
"What part of Paradise has such nice weather?!" asked Magdalena from the 5th Division. The crew around her yelled along that it's impossible.
"And then we draw up to the Galling Archipelago…"
"Drop the anchor, boys!" yelled Ace as he jumped from a quarterdeck to the main deck like a deranged monkey-cat hybrid he was.
"On it, Captain!" yelled back Skull and Aggie who were that day on anchor duty. Ducky was about to let the trap down when one look from Banshee stopped him. Everyone knew that the moment it would go down Ace would sprint out of Spadile into the wild looking for adventures.
'I thought we already decided, during dinner, what each of us was going to do.' he told them once when they lost him in the jungle. For some reason whenever they were visiting jungle-type islands Ace would vanish the moment they reach the shore and always came back with various types of animals for dinner.
"Like what, for example?" asked Thatch as the ex-Spades were continuing their spectacle. By some miracle, Moby didn't yet visit this type of island since Ace joined and the cook knew he needed to get ready for their Firefly bringing back food after his bonding time with Garp.
"Tigers, crocodiles, hippos, anacondas, jaguars, lions, caimans…" Skull started listing.
"There was this one time with a flesh-eating camel." Cornelia reminded him.
"Camels are not jungle animals!"
"Maybe but Ace still did it."
Banshee grabbed her captain by the ear.
"Not this time," she said. Behind her, Cornelia was laughing like a witch she was.
"Am not, Deuce!"
"Stop interrupting, woman, or we'll never reach the end of the story!"
"Then stop being a bastard!"
"I'm a narrator, deal with it!"
"The latest storm destroyed our laundry. We're going shopping!"
"But Shee~!" moaned Ace.
"Don't 'Shee' me, firecracker, or I'll buy you only the clothes in hot pink so if the 'high and mighty' ever decide to invite you to be a Lapdog again, you can match with Flamingo-bastard!"
"I don't think they will ever invite him again tho…" muttered Mihar.
"What did he write?" This time it was Marco who interrupted.
"Wha-?"
"In his Warlord position rejection letter." he clarified. The infamous letter was at this point a legend. Unfortunately, even the best of their spies weren't able to discover what it contained. Apparently, Red Dog turned it into crisps before it was fully readout.
"…"
"..."
"What was seen cannot be unseen," said Saber, breaking the character only to receive a stinky eye from Mihar.
"Shut up Saber, you weren't the one who was correcting his grammar!"
And so the Spade Pirates found themselves in the shady part of Irrettea, the biggest town in this part of Galling Archipelago. Being wanted and all, they couldn't just enter the regular shops in the city and lived on second-hand scraps.
"Look at this, Shee!" Cornelia shrieked showing her fellow woman a green floral top.
"Ocean Dear, Cor, it matches those gold earing we found-"
The two women's piles of fabric were growing while the boys were sitting under the wall already done.
"This is so boring!" wailed Ace.
"Come on, Captain, let them have some fun," said Mihar who decided to spend time by reading a book. Deuce followed his example and brought his notebook.
"This shouldn't take so much time!" snapped Ace who really wanted to leave and finally be able to go on an adventure!
Skull needed to agree with his captain.
"Can't they just take clothes in their favourite colour?"
"Women are weird like that, Skully!" laughed Finamore.
Irritated Banshee gave them stinky eye while Cornelia stuck her tongue out.
"We barely started!" the plumper woman insisted.
"This is the worst!" Ace wailed again.
Banshee looked like she was about to blow so Deuce decided to deescalate the situation before it went too far.
"How about this, Ace can go back to Spadile and leave our clothes there. We still need to get water, supplies and some wood-"
"I bet Firefly burned part of the ship!"
"...you wouldn't be wrong."
"-so we will spend more time here either way." he summed it up. "You all know about Captain's nature call."
"I don't need to pee, bastard!"
"This bastard is planning for you to go on an adventure so zip it."
Ace did.
"And so he left. Literally, run out with all our stuff grinning like a maniac." Deuce finished part of the story.
Saber ran to the other side of the platform, smiling widely and waving his fellow ex-Spades 'goodbye'.
"The thing is, that Irrettea is this type of city that has docks on the opposite side to the gate leading to the wild. We thought we would meet him on our way to market but he was nowhere to be seen," said Skull.
Banshee shrugged.
"But you know how he is. One second he's a picture of responsibility, the other he's your classic chaotic neutral."
Haruta looked back at their Pops.
"You sure it was a good decision to make this kid a Commander?"
"It can't be that bad…" Edward muttered to himself but then remembered that the Ace was by blood Roger's, the craziest pirate he ever met, and raised by Garp, the craziest marine he ever met… it was hard to tell which one was more insane. "We're doomed either way." he finally concluded.
"Anyway…" Deuce brought the attention back to himself. "We finished gathering supplies. Decided to do it ASAP since we got really worried. Suddenly-"
"BOOOM!" they yelled all at the same time, startling most of the crew.
"-The South Wall of Irrettea goes puff! Debits and flames got even to us! And we were what? 7 kilometres away?"
"More like 6.8." Skull shrugged.
"We all looked at each other and said" the ex-Spades mimicked their past selves and said at the same time:
"Here we go again!"
Spade Pirates knew. There was only one explanation over what happened. Ace found someone who was strong and pissed him off. Aggie, Ganryu and Ossamondo were sent back to the ship with the supplies while the others ran towards the South Wall. Suddenly they saw a flaming figure closing on them.
"Ace, you flame for brains! Wha-"
Ace ran past them yelling.
"No time to argue! We need to get out of here!"
"WHAAAAAAT?!"
"Was it really that shocking?" asked Izo who till this moment was silent, only smiling and laughing along with the crew.
"Commander, that one time when we were against 10 battleships back at the beginning of Paradise? It doesn't matter how much we begged Ace to get the fuck out of there. But no~! The idiot 'doesn't run from the fight'." said Cornelia dryly.
"Yeah." agreed Deuce. "When I met him we were on this deserted island and half-dead from starvation. Then this gigantic bird attacked us. I was so weak and tired I was barely able to move but not Ace. No… the bastard jumped some 15 feet into the air and smacked the monster with a mast that he just tore off some wrecked ship! Ace dying of starvation, ladies and gentlemen!"
"When you put it this way…"
They looked in the direction Ace ran from. The ground was shaking.
"Last on Spadile is mopping the deck!" yelled Skull and ran after his Captain. The others shouted profanities as they followed him.
Back on the ship Ace was giving them orders. They were leaving as soon as possible. He looked frantic and… scared?
"Our log pose isn't set yet!" reminded them of Ducky.
"We will just stop on one of the other islands in the archipelago!" Ace seemed to have answers.
"Can't you just explain what the hell happened, Ace?!" Saber looked very irritated right now.
"No time!"
"Ace, I swear!"
"I'll tell you guys everything the moment we're safe!"
They weren't very happy but decided it wasn't time for arguments and sailed away. Spadile swam along the coast but far away enough for the archipelago to be barely seen on the horizon. Ace still looked stressed and kept telling them they weren't far enough yet making the entire crew irritated at best scared at worst.
Finally, the Spade Captain fell back on the deck and seemed to loosen up.
"We should be saf-"
Aggie jumped at Saber on the platform. Deuce continued his narration.
"This gigantic shape suddenly jumped out of the water and captured Ace who went the most violet shade of violet and started screaming bloody murder!"
"No! I don't wanna die! Let me go!" Saber was shouting as Aggie held him by his shirt in the air. The pair was clearly over-acting. Probably...
"Wait, wait, wait!" stopped them Thatch "You mean to tell me Garp swam to you in the water? I know the guy is crazy but that's overkill."
All ex-Spades along with older members of Whitebeards looked at Thatch with disappointment.
"Oh, you sweet summer child."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
"Can you get any more stupid?"
"You're still so young and inexperienced!"
"Oh come on!"
"I am disappointed in you, son."
"Even you, Pops?!"
"There was that one time with killer whales..."
"What does that even mean?"
"Linny and Kaikiddo were never the same…"
"You can't be serious!"
"And the first time I met him he was swimming through the Grand Line butterfly style to show off photos of his newborn son…"
"Ok, I give, Garp isn't normal." Thatch finally said.
Every member of Spade Pirates tensed as they saw a man clad in marine uniform holding their captain in a steel grip.
"There you are, you little shit!"
"Let go of our captain!"
"It's Garp the Fist!" yelled the warning Skull making others go white in fear. How did Ace piss off the man who was an even match to the fucking PIRATE KING! It seemed it was the end of their journey.
"FIST OF LOVE!"
"AHHHHHH!" yelled Ace when a weirdly named attack connected with his skull! How? He was fire! "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU OLD BASTARD SON OF KRAKEN!"
Ace cursing? What?
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? Maybe I should teach you some manners, huh? It seems Miss Makino's lessons weren't able to cut it!"
"Spit it out, right now, you derange geezer! Makino is a blessing and cannot do anything wrong!"
"'Geezer'?! Call me how you're supposed to!"
What was going on?!
"NEVER!"
"That's it! You're going with me, young man!"
Garp jumped off the ship with Ace in his hands.
Aggie threw Saber off the platform and jumped after him.
"That hurt, you bastard!"
"Woops."
"At least sound like you're sorry!"
The crew sweatdropped at the arguing duo and looked back at the platform.
"We had no clue what happened but we knew we needed to get our dear captain back even from the insanely strong marine."
Whitebeard smiled at his children. True loyalty! He loved that!
"We were able to swim back to Irrettea where Orion has been docking. We hid Spadile and were able to get on board by some miracle."
"I swear those bastards knew about everything and let it happen," said Skull. Every pirate onboard looked to their right where three of Garp's best men were standing and waiting for the return of the Vice-Admiral.
Kadir, Boggart and Capuchin all smirked.
"I swear to Lady Ocean, those bastards are more practical than us."
"And they are marines… where does Garp find those?"
"Probably in hell where he was born…"
"-oin the Navy! How many times do I have to tell you Ace!" the loud voice of Vice-Admiral was heard on the deck of Orion. Cornelia, who was a tracker, pointed them towards the closest entrance. They came close to the captain room where their kidnapped captain was and opened the door ready to get him back!
Aggie and Saber were back on the platform. Finamore took out his swords and pointed at their 'Garp'.
"Give him back or tase the blade, basta- What the hell are you wearing Ace."
Deuce looked back at the crew.
"And I kid you not there is a sitting Ace on the ground-" he pointed at the Saber who tried to look as embarrassed as he could but the smirk on his face was way too wide. "-dressed in the marine uniform!"
"Oh, sweet waves!"
"Good ocean, tell me you have photos!"
The ex-Spades all looked disappointed.
"Unfortunately not. Ace burned them all, even my secret stash!" said Skull clearly offended.
"There goes blackmail!" cursed at least half of the crew.
They heard a muffled laugh from the marines.
Capuchin, the scout from Garp's crew, had a grin across half his face.
"Well, what if I told you I have some?"
"No way!" yelled Cornelia.
"Please! I will give you all my treasure for just one!" Haruta, the informant, needed this info!
"You're a blessing and I love you!" said Deuce.
Capuchin took a piece of paper from his sleeveless navy jacket and opened the folded photo and showed it to the pirates. There was Ace, looking completely embarrassed, red like a tomato in snow-white marine uniform. Garp's iconic dog-hat and blue tie included.
"This is gold!"
The duo didn't seem to mind the sudden invasion.
"Go fuck yourself!"
"Now why would I do that… that's not how children are made, Ace…"
"Oh, my Sea Maid" Ace looked very much done.
"Don't take Lady Sea's name in vain, child!"
"Do you guys even care, we're here?!"
"Oh, your crew is here? Very well! Kahir, go get me 19 more uniforms! Two for the ladies!"
"On it, boss!" the man from behind them said. The Spade Pirates look back at the corridor they used a few minutes ago. The entire platoon stood there with sadistic smiles on their faces.
"So they put ALL of you in those?" smirked Thatch enjoying the show far too much.
"Na-ah." said Deuce "We were lucky and Ace made Garp stop trying to recruit us but it was a close call.
The crew looked at the three marines as if asking if it's correct, which was answered with three sad nods.
"A true loss." the three Navy officers said.
Before the ex-Spades could continue the loud crash reached their ears. They just reached the shore of the island where Demon and his baby devil were now occupying.
A/N: If any of you is wondering what took me so long... life, life took me so long.
My fav part of this story is that I could literary imagine Spades being theatrical af. I love them so much.
Galling Archipelago is a place I created.
Btw, have you ever thought why our fav One Piece pirates are often dressed really weirdly? Yeah, I think I might have found the answer.