A/N: Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you're enjoying this. This is one of my favourite stories so please let me know what you think. Thanks and stay safe!

Chapter 32: Self-Reflection and Regret

"Your pain defines who you are [...] but it no longer holds power over you."
- Noah from the show Dark

I avoided the others. It wasn't easy considering how many people were in the house, but I wasn't sure if Logan was still around and I didn't trust myself to see him. I stayed mainly in my room once I showered. It did nothing to stop my thoughts.

The worst part of being arrested had not only been looking at the photos and reliving the attack but being chained to that table, alone and helpless. There was nothing I could do to protect myself. I hated that. I hated that it was so simple to be afraid and that it sent me back, reeling in fear. I didn't know how to fix it. Training didn't help, not when all it took was an arrest.

Kelly came in, looking exhausted in her uniform. I looked outside. It seemed early, but I didn't know how much time had passed. She was gone before I woke up.

"Hey," she looked a little surprised to see me when she looked up. "How you feeling?"

"Like hell," I admitted. "Are you back early?"

"Yeah," she ran a hand through her hair. "I got fired, actually."

"What?" I pushed myself to the edge of the bed. "Why?"

She sighed and sat down next to me. "Well, outside of the fight I got into with Dean at the diner, Greta said it was because I kept missing shifts or leaving early, despite the fact that only happened a couple times. I think she was just looking for an excuse."

"You got into a fight with Dean?"

"Well, not really a fight fight. We're fine now. We just argued...bout you and Sam. You ready to talk about it?"

I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees. "Not really much to talk about."

"Come on, I know it sucked being arrested, but you think maybe...Lucifer got to you a bit too?"

I stood up quickly. "No! Okay? It's not that."

"Then what is it? Because the two of you were pretty cozy at Bobby's." She looked up at me. "You were making out pretty heavy on that porch. That didn't look like it's not working out."

I clenched my jaw. I didn't know what to say. She had a point, I knew she had a point, but she wouldn't understand. "It doesn't matter."

"It does," she stressed. "Because the hottest guy that's ever been into you is sitting across town thinking that you think the worst of him, like everyone else."

I clenched my eyes tight. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know you didn't, but you still haven't given a reason." She stood up and walked over to me. "Come on, Mish. What's wrong?"

"I…" I trailed off. "It doesn't matter."

Kelly sighed. "I know you don't mean that. Look, I'm sorry if I pushed you into rushing into something with Sam when you weren't ready, but you think maybe you're pushing him away now because you don't want to fully accept that you might be stuck here?"

I froze. Ice raced up my spine.

She kept talking. "There might not be a way back. We were told in the beginning by Becky and I think we both know that she's right. You might be stuck here, but would that really be bad?"

I whirled on her. "Why do you keep saying you? We're both stuck here!"

She stared at me like I was stupid. "Michelle, I'm not going back, even if there is a way."

My mouth dropped in shock. "What?"

"I'm dead," she said. "Back home. There's nothing for me to go back to."

I had forgotten about that. It seemed impossible to forget but she was just so...alive here. "We don't know that, maybe you'll go back like this."

"Why risk it? I like being alive. I like being here. Back home, I was a ghost and alone. I'm done with that. Dean said he'd help me set up a life here when this is over. I want to do that."

I stared at her in surprise. "With him?"

"Maybe," she shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, it's Dean. I'm not really taking things too seriously, but it's going well. I like being with him, even if I was fucking terrified at first."

"You were?"

"Yeah, I was." She grabbed my hand and led me back to the bed. She motioned for me to sit before she sat next to me. "I still am. I am constantly afraid of losing him. Losing myself. I kept thinking I would just dissolve back into nothing or die again. It's fucking terrifying here."

"I know!"

"But I want to live too," she said. She gave me a small smile. "And that means not going back." I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. "You're going to make me cry, stop."

"I can't help it!" I said. "I don't want to lose you! I just got you back!"

"I don't want to lose you too! I know you want to go back to your family, but I can't do this without you!"

Both of us started crying harder and Kelly hugged me tightly. I couldn't imagine losing her again. I didn't want to. If there was a way home, she'd be alone here. At least she'd be alive though. I just wanted to see my family again.

We let go of each other and sat back. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had been so certain we'd get home. I never thought that she wouldn't want to go. I never let myself believe that we wouldn't be able to. Even if there was a part of me that knew it.

"Hey," Kelly nudged me and I looked over at her. "If you do go back, don't you want to know you at least climbed that mountain of a man?" She smirked.

I stared at her for a moment, confused before I realized she had gone back to talking about Sam. "No one would believe me."

"Like that matters," she waved the thought away. "You'd know...and remember." She waggled her eyebrows at me.

I snorted and started laughing.

Kelly left shortly after that. She changed, got dressed and warned me that Jane had kicked Logan out to sleep outside. I hadn't seen him while training so I wasn't sure where he had actually run off to. I was tempted to stay in the room.

I thought about what Kelly said. There was always a chance of us being stuck here. Jane said that I couldn't run from my fears, that I had to take control, to work through it and become stronger. It was just so hard. I could admit to myself that running from Sam was easier than letting him in. I didn't want to let myself feel something for him if it was just going to be taken away. I didn't want to be alone in that. Sam was a choice that I made, just like breaking up with him was. Maybe he was right. I lashed out and he was an easy target. It made me feel in control when everything else was spiralling.

Self-reflection sucked. Especially when it resulted in difficult choices. I had to find Sam and apologize. I left the room.

I heard voices on the first floor as I reached the top of the stairs. I took a deep breath and walked down them. They fell silent as I entered the living room. Kelly, Chloe, Klaus and Derek were sitting on or around the couch.

"Hey," Kelly smiled over at me. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," I nodded. "You good?" I asked, looking over everyone.

Chloe smiled at me widely before she got up and walked over to me. "I'm glad you're okay. When we heard you got arrested," she motioned to Derek, "we kind of feared the worst."

I nodded. "Yeah, me too."

"Well, I for one am glad you're back," Klaus said. "These guys don't know all the lyrics to TLC. Please for the love of God tell me that you do."

"What song?" I asked.

"I'll give you something easy. Waterfalls."

I thought back to it, hummed a few bars and nodded. "Not all of it, but once I hear it, it should come back to me."

"Oh!" Klaus leaned back into Kelly. "I knew she was my favourite."

"Hey!" Kelly pushed him off. Klaus rolled and fell off the couch.

Chloe laughed and tried to stop herself. I watched as her eyes darted to the empty space next to Derek before she nodded. "All the time?" she asked. I looked over but there was nothing there. She was able to see Ben then. That must have been a relief for him, someone other than Klaus to talk to.

"I'm going to grab something to eat," I said. I headed for the kitchen only to find the way blocked with a wooden spoon. Lafayette stood in the doorway, wielding it.

"Uh uh, yous not allowed in this kitchen anymores," he said.

"What? Why not?"

"I heard about yous bad juju brownies. I ain't having that in this kitchen."

"That happened once!" I exclaimed. I looked back to the others to see them laughing at me.

"Once is enough," he said. "You ain't cooking in here no more. Stay out there." He turned away, walking further into the kitchen. I stood there, unsure of what to do. He got a plate from the cupboard and served something from a pot. He grabbed a fork before bringing it both to me. "Here. Eat out there."

I looked down at the food. It was a rice dish that had what looked like chicken in it. It smelt delicious. "Thanks."

"Yous welcome," he shooed me off and turned away.

I turned back to the others. They all looked as if they were trying not to laugh, even Derek. "Is anyone else banned from the kitchen?" I asked. Chloe shook her head. I tried not to roll my eyes and sat down on the floor across from the couch. It was odd to eat something I hadn't made, but it was the best food I had had in months. I would happily stay out of the kitchen if this was happening every day.

"Well, if it isn't our resident jailbird. You survived the five-o?" Five had appeared and was sitting, balanced on the arm of the couch. I swallowed tightly and nodded. "Good. Then we're back to training. Tomorrow morning. Six sharp."

My eyebrows raised in surprise. He had only trained me once before. "Sure." I wouldn't pass on the opportunity.

"Don't be late. I hate when people are late." He looked over at Kelly. "I hear you've been fired." I tuned out the conversation and focused back on the food.

"Where's everyone else?" I asked once I finished.

Kelly looked over at me. "Well, Jane and Remy are...somewhere. Veronica went to find Logan." She said the last part hesitantly. I nodded. As long as I didn't see him, I didn't care.

I stood up and took my plate to the kitchen. Lafayette met me in the doorway before he took it and motioned for me to leave. He was definitely serious then. I looked back at Kelly. I had come down with a purpose and I needed to fulfill it, even if it was going to suck.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked her. She nodded and I motioned for her to follow me.

"What's up?" she asked once we were outside on the porch. I just wanted a little space from the others. Despite the fact that I was certain this was the right thing to do, I didn't want others getting involved.

"What motel is Sam at?" She stared at me for a moment before she started to smile. "Stop that," I said, pointing to her face. "I just want to say sorry."

She grinned wider. "You sure that's it?"

"Yes," I said. I tried not to smile with her. It was infectious.

"Mmmhmmm, okay."

"Seriously," I said. "I was thinking a lot about what you said...and what Jane said. I took it all out on Sam and I just...I need to say sorry."

"Okay. He's at the Super Eight. It's by the university, corner of highways 12 and 281." She took out her phone from her back pocket. "It's room nine. I'll call Dean, get him to come over. Give you two some space...to work it out."

She reached into her other pocket and tossed me the car keys. "Here."

"Thanks," I forced a smile at her. "I mean it."

"I know. I expect details when you get back." I nodded and walked off the porch. I heard her call out. "Go climb that mountain!" I glared over my shoulder and heard her laugh.

I got into the car and adjusted the seat. Sometimes it was easy to forget how short Kelly was until moments like this. I started the car and drove off before I could convince myself this was a bad idea.

The drive was mainly silent. I saw the Impala headed in the direction I came from at one point. It was too dark to see if Dean was driving, but Kelly had said she'd call him. I wasn't entirely sure where the motel was but I found route 12 easily off of where Dean had come from. I just wasn't sure which way to go. I pulled up in a gas station and went to ask for directions.

I parked the car to the side of the building since I wasn't getting gas and went in. The cashier motioned for me to wait while he spoke on a mic to someone outside.

"Try again. No, I don't know...you'll have to come inside to pay." He made a face as he repeated himself. "Come inside and pay!"

He turned to me and gave me a half-smile. "Let me deal with this and I'll be right with you."

I nodded and wandered down the aisles to browse while I waited. I hadn't had candy in forever. The bell above the door rang. I glanced up to peek at the customer that had been giving the kid a hard time and froze. It was one of the cops who arrested me.

"I don't know what to tell you, the thing wasn't working," he said to the kid behind the cash. The cop looked around the store. I ducked down, praying that he hadn't seen me. They said Eric had done his hypnosis, but there was no certainty he got everyone involved. He had just been at the station. What if they weren't there?

Panic settled in my belly and I felt like throwing up. I couldn't go back. I wouldn't have any explanation for what happened, why they remembered me but others didn't. I kept my head down and turned away from the cop at the register while I walked quickly out of the store. I felt him watching me. I needed to get away. The other cop was still in the car. I walked as quickly as I could to the car without it being suspicious.

I got in and started it, trying hard not to look at the cops. My hands were shaking. I tightened them on the steering wheel and drove off. I started to head back to the house when I stopped and turned down a street I didn't know. They knew where the house was. If they suspected it was me, they'd go there first. I couldn't put the others in danger like that. We got lucky the first time. I wasn't sure it would happen again.

I drove down the street which led me through some suburban-looking houses before finally opening into fields. It was only then that I stopped looking back, making sure I wasn't followed. A light on the dash told me that the tank was empty. I pulled over and slowed to a stop. My chest tightened and I leaned forward, resting my head on the steering wheel as I tried to gain some kind of control over my breathing. I still felt like I should have been running, as far as possible away from the danger the police presented, but I had to go back. I clenched my hands tightly on the wheel, trying to ground myself and keep them from shaking. I was okay. I was okay and they were gone. I wasn't followed.

I just needed a minute. A moment to calm down, get my body under control and figure out what the hell I was going to do. I was out of fuel. A little ironic considering I had just run from a gas station. I didn't have my phone and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere in the dark. Fuck.

[tbc]