A/N: Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you're enjoying it so far. As always, please let me know what you think.

Chapter 34: Apologies and Reconciliation

"I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you're gone
When I realize, I was acting all wrong"
- So Sorry by Feist

The door opened. Sam looked confused until he saw me. His expression changed to relief and something else I couldn't place. Maybe hurt.

"Hey," I said softly. "Can we talk?"

He nodded and opened the door, letting me in. I looked around as I entered. It was pretty standard and looked nicer than I expected.

"Where were you?" he asked. I turned to face him. "Kelly said you were coming here but you never did."

"I was," I said. "I...I stopped for directions, saw the cops that arrested me and panicked. I didn't even realize how far I had gone until I ran out of gas. I was stranded on some small road surrounded by fields." I made a face at that. "I didn't have my phone or I would have called someone. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare anyone."

He stepped forward before he stopped himself. I saw one of his fists clench. "If that's all you came for…"

"It's not," I swallowed tightly. I tried to figure out what I wanted to say and how to say it. I hadn't practiced or thought it out.

"Why did you come here?" he asked, his voice hard. "What do you want, Michelle?"

"I…I don't know," I admitted. "I just, I was coming last night to apologize. Not for getting lost, obviously because that hadn't happened, but for the way I ended things." I sat down on the edge of the bed. I didn't know how to say this and I wasn't sure I could do it with him looking at me. I stared at the floor and tried to explain. "You didn't deserve what I did and I didn't want you to hate me or think that I did it because you're the problem, because it's not. It's me.

"Kelly pointed something out to me. She asked if I was pushing you away because I didn't want to accept the fact that I'm stuck here. It made me think." I heard him move closer but I didn't look up. It was easier if I couldn't see him. "You were an easy target that night. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hitting you and for pushing you away. It just...everything felt so out of control and whatever this was between us was the only thing I could change. I was just so scared and angry and you took the brunt of it. It wasn't fair to do that to you. I'm sorry." I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I wanted to say next.

"I know I can't go home." It was the first time I said it out loud. The first time I really admitted it to anyone, including myself. "I think I knew when Kelly told me that a year had passed and they were planning my funeral. It's been even longer now, Sam. I can't go back the way I am like this. I have no explanation for what's wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," he grabbed my hands. I looked up to see him crouching in front of me.

"There is," I said. "I'm paranoid, I don't sleep, I apparently lose track of time without meaning to, and Kelly thinks I'm turning into an agoraphobic and I don't think she's wrong. I have all these skills like fighting that I never had before and there is no reasonable way for me to explain it to my family if I ever saw them again. They'd want to know what happened and I couldn't tell them." I squeezed his hands. "I just...you make it easy to forget," I said quickly before I lost my nerve. "You'd kiss me and it's like all thought is gone, it's just you and that...that kind of terrifies me because I wanted to go home and I didn't want to lose myself in you and I would because it's so easy to fall for you, Sam, and if I let you in I wouldn't want to let you go-"

He cut me off by kissing me. My eyes closed of their own accord. Kissing him felt familiar and thrilling at the same time. He broke it, pulling away first. I opened my eyes slowly. I forgot what I had been saying.

"So what now?" He looked hesitant, almost afraid of the answer. "Where do we go from here?"

I ran my teeth over my bottom lip. "I don't know," I said slowly.

His jaw clenched. "You can't tell me you don't want this, not after what you just said."

"I know. I want you, I just-I need to work on myself. I can't expect you to save me every time."

His hand reached up and cupped my cheek. "What if I want to?"

"I need to be able to save myself." I tried to smile. "I'm not okay Sam, we both know that. I can't...I don't know what I can give you. Maybe you should...you should find someone else. Someone who's not broken."

"I don't want anyone else!" he snapped. I blinked in surprise. I wasn't expecting that much of a reaction. He ran a hand through his hair and grabbed both of my hands again. "I'm not going to push you Michelle, but I told you we'd be good together and I still believe it. You told me you'd give me a chance, so give me one. A real one," he stressed. "Just let me in."

"I'm not good at letting people in," I said quietly. I tended to push people away. If they didn't get close then they couldn't hurt me. I had done it for as long as I could remember.

"I know," he smiled slightly. "But try."

I scrunched up my nose, thinking about it. It wouldn't be easy. He looked so earnest though that it was hard to say no. I didn't want to say no. I just...I didn't want to get hurt and I didn't want to hurt him. That was just another fear. I could work through it, couldn't I? I nodded. "I'll try."

He grinned suddenly. One of his hands went to the back of my neck and pulled me forward to meet his kiss. His mouth was soft and warm, moving gently against mine. It was like he was asking for everything and I was tempted to give it. I kissed him back, wanting to try and express what I had tried to put into words.

He moved forward, pushing me to lie back. The kisses deepened, turning slightly desperate as he leaned over me. The hand that was on my neck shifted under me. I felt his grip tighten before he lifted me slightly. I shuffled back, trying not to break the kiss as we both moved further back on the bed. I broke the kiss and looked up at him as he settled himself between my legs. His eyes were dark and almost hooded as he looked down at me. I pulled him back down.

His hand ran down my side, settling on my hip for a moment before going lower. He grabbed the back of my thigh and lifted, directing it to hook behind him. He kissed me hard and pushed his body into mine. My hand went up his arm and I paused on the bicep that was flexed as he held himself up. God, he was strong. He kissed the side of my mouth, then my jaw before he went for my neck. I felt myself arch into him as he sucked on a particular spot.

"Sam," my voice sounded almost breathless. He paused, leaning back and watching me for a moment before he reached for the bottom of my shirt. I sat up slightly, helping pull it off. He stared at me before leaning down to kiss me again. It didn't last long. I scraped my teeth against his jaw as he broke the kiss and I felt him grind his hips against me. I just wanted him closer. He kissed down my neck, biting lightly at the same spot as earlier before he continued down my chest. He was murmuring something but I couldn't hear him.

My stomach tightened as his mouth was just above my bra. The hand that wasn't holding him up cupped one of my breasts. His thumb brushed over my covered nipple before he pulled it down, exposing it. His mouth was on it instantly. I dug a hand into his hair. It felt like electricity was sparking through me as he ran his teeth over it. He shifted before pulling the other side down. His hand covered it, fingers brushing over the skin before squeezing.

I dropped my head back. His mouth felt like magic, building the tension in me just like this. He ground into me again and I could feel how hard he was already. His fingers dug into the waistband of my pants and he tugged at them. Wait. This was too much. As good as this was, I didn't mean for it to happen.

"Sam," I reached for him. My breath hitched as I guided his face back to mine. "Hold on," his brow furrowed slightly. His pupils were blown wide.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I smiled at him. "Um, can we pause this?"

"What's wrong?" he pushed himself up slightly, creating a little more space between us.

"I need to stop," I winced as I said it. "It's just...too much right now." I swallowed, waiting to see his reaction.

"Too much," he took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay, it's okay." He moved over and rolled onto his back next to me.

"Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," he looked over at me. "We can go at whatever pace you want. You just gotta tell me."

I nodded. I fixed my bra before turning onto my stomach and putting my face on the bed. It felt stupid but I wanted to be able to think, and I didn't really want to sleep with him in a motel room. Well, not now. I hadn't planned on this happening. I had just come to apologize.

I felt his hand touch my back. "You sure you're okay?"

I sighed before I looked over at him. He had turned to face me. "Yeah, just...overwhelmed? But hey, least I didn't cry this time," I tried to joke. His lips twitched once he saw me smile. I crossed my arms under my head and rested my chin on them. I watched Sam for a moment. It seemed impossible that everything that had happened had led to us here.

"What?"

"Nothing," I said softly.

"Michelle…"

"It just feels a bit weird," I said. He looked concerned at that.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I came to apologize, not...this." I motioned between the two of us.

"Do you regret it?" He asked quietly.

I thought about it for a moment before I answered. "No. I regret that I'm the only one without a shirt though." A spark lit in his eyes as he grinned at me.

"I don't know, I think I like you like this."

"Next time, you can be shirtless first," I said dryly. I tried not to smile as I stared at him.

"Next time?" his grin widened.

"We'll see," I shrugged, before shrieking as he reached over and tickled me. I tried to move away but he quickly had me pinned again. He kissed me slowly, as if he was trying to savour this. "I should go back," I said when he broke it. "I have to apologize to everyone else too."

"Give me a minute," he pushed himself off of me and was standing quickly. "I'll come with you." He headed for the bathroom and I took the time to look for my shirt.

I tried to fix up my hair so it wasn't a complete disaster after I put on the shirt. I didn't have a mirror, but I didn't think it was too bad. That was one bonus with shorter hair.

Sam came out shortly after. He grabbed his jacket and reached for the door. "Ready?"

"Yeah," I said. I walked up to him. He grabbed my hand and led me out.

The sun had set by the time we got back to the house. I hadn't realized how much time had passed. It didn't seem like I had been gone long, at least, not from the time that I had left Kelly. I paused as I got out of the car, suddenly nervous.

"You okay?"

I looked over the top of the car to Sam. "I…I don't know. What if they're angry?"

"Just explain. It'll be fine." It was easy for him to say. He didn't live here. I kept feeling like I was walking a fine line, on the edge of scaring them all. "Come on, Michelle."

I wanted to run for it, to avoid this confrontation but I would have to come back to the house at some point. It might as well have been now. I nodded and walked around the car. Sam met me and grabbed my hand as we headed for the house. I wasn't sure if it was for comfort or a way to keep me on track and next to him.

The door opened as we reached the porch. Jane stood there, a silhouette against the lighting of the house. She did not look pleased.

"I got stranded," I said quickly before she could say anything. "I didn't mean to scare anyone."

She stared at me for a moment before she nodded. "You will explain."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Just...let's do it inside. So I can tell everyone." She looked over at Sam, then back at me. It felt like she was assessing us. She stepped aside and motioned for us to enter.

It looked like Kelly was holding court in the living room. She turned from where she was facing everyone as we entered. I caught her look from me to Sam before she grinned widely at me. I knew what she was asking. I nodded, trying to ignore the way I felt my face heat.

She walked towards me. "I take it that it went well." Her gaze went slightly lower than my face and her grin widened. "Very well." I frowned, confused by what she meant. "You have a hickey," she pointed at my neck. My eyes widened and I quickly covered my neck with my hand. I looked over at Sam. He smirked down at me. I jabbed my elbow into his side and ignored the grunt he responded with.

"I need to say something," I said. "To everyone." I glanced around her. The kids were on the couch. Eric and Spike were standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Klaus was lying on the floor and Five was balanced on the arm of the couch. Dean walked towards us, stepping around the vampires as he came into the room with a beer in his hand. He looked between Sam and me before he walked towards us. I let go of Sam's hand, shaking him off so I could step more into the room.

"Hi," I called out. It was unnecessary considering they were all staring at me. "I know you all likely woke up to the panic that I was gone. I just want to say sorry. I didn't mean for any of it to happen. I just-I panicked when I saw the cops that arrested me the other day and I was trying to make sure I didn't lead them back here, but I ran out of gas. I got stranded. I didn't have my phone so I couldn't call for help. I'm sorry if I made anyone worry. I didn't mean for any of it to happen."

Eric stepped forward. "Did you not trust my work? I assure you, I am completely...thorough."

"I don't know," I said. "I just...panicked."

"It will not happen again," Jane said. I turned to look at her. She was still standing in the doorway to the hall.

"I'll work on it," I finally said. I couldn't promise anything but I could try. She nodded in return.

"I'm glad you're okay," Chloe looked over at me with a smile. "We were worried. Derek went around trying to track you in the forest." Derek looked uncomfortable at the mention.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Thank you," I directed to him.

"Where did you get stranded?" Chloe asked. "Why did it take so long?"

"Um, well, I was surrounded by fields and it was night."

"And fields freak her out," Kelly added.

"They're scary!" I turned to her. "There are way too many horror movies that involve fields. No way I'm testing it, especially here." I turned back to Chloe. "It was safer to wait."

"Well, Peaches. there's nothing like causing a bit of mayhem." Spike grinned at me. "Quite good at that now, aren't you?"

I shrugged back. He didn't seem like he meant to be cruel. Five appeared in front of me and I managed to stop myself from swinging just in time. He looked me over.

"You missed training. Don't do that again. Same time tomorrow." he said before flashing away. That could have gone a lot worse.

"Right, now that that's done with, those of you coming, get ready. We'll leave in ten minutes," Kelly called out. I turned to her.

"Where are you going?"

"You mean where are we going. We're getting you out of this house for the night, out into civilization. We're going to a bar." I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"Isn't there an apocalypse happening?" someone asked from behind me.

"Yes," Kelly agreed. "But sometimes you gotta take a break. Don't be jealous because you can't come." No one moved for a moment.

Jane motioned for me to follow her outside. I muttered to the others that I'd be back and went after her. She was sitting on the grass in front of the house, not too far from the cars. I sat across from her.

"You will tell me now what occurred. The machine stopped, you said. What came after?"

I told her about making the decision to stay in the car at night and marking it with the symbols I remembered. How I fell asleep and once I woke up went searching for help. I explained how I made it to the vet's office, phoned and then waited for Kelly and Dean. I ended my story by trying to convey how I didn't mean any of it and I would take better precautionary steps.

"You did well," Jane finally said once I stopped talking. "You used the information you had, the tools you had and protected yourself." She nodded to herself. "You are stronger now. We will continue in the morning." She got up and looked around. "I will remain and keep watch. The children will be protected." She left me on the grass.

I got up and walked back inside. Kelly met me at the door.

"Hey, come on," she grabbed my hand and dragged me upstairs. "Go shower. We're leaving now but Sam's going to hang back and wait 'til you're ready."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I asked as we got to the top of the stairs.

She stopped and looked at me. "Mish, you need this. It'll be fine. We'll have the boys and the vampires. Eric will glamour anyone who needs it if something happens." She pushed me towards the bathroom. "Go shower. If you don't meet us at the bar, I'm going to be pissed."

[tbc]