A/N: Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you're enjoying it. Let me know what you think.

Chapter 41: Letting Him In

"At the end of the day, it isn't where I came from.
Maybe home is somewhere I'm going and never have been before."
― Warsan Shire

I finally stopped. Sam had shifted both of us so he could lean back on the bathtub but he didn't let go. I wiped at the tears on my face.

"Are you alright?" His hand rubbed up and down my back.

I didn't know how to answer. It had felt so real. I had held my nieces before they burned in front of me. "No."

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

Sam sighed. "You woke up and nearly knocked me out as you ran for the bathroom. What did you dream about?"

I paused. I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to forget it, forget what it felt like to be home. Forget the feeling of waking up back here. How could I tell him any of that?

"Michelle, come on, let me in."

"I have to brush my teeth," I said before trying to get up. Sam's arms tightened for a moment. "Just...give me a minute. Please." He let go and helped me stand. I brushed my teeth quickly. Sam stood up and waited. His hair was tousled and he looked exhausted. I looked at my reflection. I didn't look much better.

I rinsed the toothbrush once I was done and left the bathroom. Sam followed. I sat down on the bed, moved to put my back against the headboard and pulled my knees up to my chest. Sam moved to sit in front of me. He put a hand on my knee.

"I…" I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around my knees. "I was home." I didn't look at him. I didn't want to see whatever expression he would have. "With my family. All of them. It was like...it felt real. Like I had never left. My nieces...I watched them," my voice cracked. "They burned. All of them. I couldn't..." I started crying again. "God," I muttered and wiped the tears off my face. "I tried to save them and I couldn't." I was sick of crying but my heart hurt and it felt like this was never going to end.

"Do...do you, uh, want to talk about them?" I looked up at him, confused. "It might help. I mean, Michelle, you lost...your whole world. Maybe, maybe instead of not thinking about it, you should talk about it, about the people you miss. It's okay to miss them."

I wiped my face again. Maybe he had a point. It might be easier telling him instead of Kelly. Kelly knew everyone back home. He didn't. He had no clue about any of them and wouldn't be able to tell me things back or make me remember things I wanted to forget.

"Okay," I said softly. "But come back," I motioned to the spot next to me where he had been sleeping. He gave me a small smile and moved. I waited until he was situated. He didn't lay down like I expected, but put an arm around me and pulled me into his side. I rested my head on his shoulder and thought about how to even start. I took a deep breath and tried to settle my nerves, my heart...everything that told me to run and not stop. This would let him further in.

"I have two nieces," my voice was quiet. "Jessica's five and Abby is three. They...they're incredible. Or, they were." I paused. It didn't feel right to use the past tense. Not for them. "I never...I loved them instantly, as soon as they were born. They had such...personality, even at their age. I wanted," I stopped myself. I looked forward to them as teenagers. They were going to be such interesting kids and if Becky was right...they never had a chance. "They were my sister's kids. Well, Kelly's."

"What?"

"Not that Kelly," I said quickly. "My oldest sister was also named Kelly. We used to joke...that I was collecting them. My other sister was Helen. She...she was the best. What Dean is to you, she was to me. I just…" I fell silent. I didn't know what to say. I missed them terribly.

"It sounds like you love them a lot," Sam said.

"Yeah, I mean, we fought but we're sisters. End of the day, you still have each other's backs."

He smiled softly and nodded.

"It just...it doesn't feel fair." I meant that about everything, this whole situation. It wasn't a fair trade to have Kelly and be here with Sam at the loss of my family. "I feel like I'm not meant to sleep anymore. Not if it's just nightmares and Lucifer waiting for me."

"Has he been back?"

"Not since the last time," I stopped myself from telling him it was Bobby's. He didn't know and I still didn't want to tell him. Not about that. "I'm just...I'm tired."

"I know." Sam kissed the top of my head. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and I looked to see Sam rubbing a part of his chest.

"Did I hurt you?" I hit something in my rush out of the bed.

"It's fine," he said. "You, uh, you just caught me with your elbow when you jumped out."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm more worried about you." He glanced past me at the clock. "It's almost six. Do you think you'll get any more sleep?"

"No," I answered honestly.

"Okay, come on." He got up off the bed. "Let's go for a run."

"What?" I looked up at him in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah. If you think you can keep up." He smirked and I couldn't help but accept the challenge.

"The better question will be if you can keep up with me."

The run helped.

Sam could keep up. Running with him was great. I didn't have to slow down, in fact, there were a couple of times that he picked up the pace. At one point we raced and I had to push myself hard to keep up.

"Have you heard anything from Dean or Kelly?"

I looked up as Sam came out of the bathroom. My mind went blank. He had a towel wrapped around his waist...and nothing else. Water was dripping from his hair and I couldn't stop myself from watching a drop slide down his chest.

"Michelle?"

"What?" I blinked and looked up at his face. He was smirking at me.

"Have you heard from Dean or Kelly?"

"Um, no. Probably still sleeping. Kels sleeps like the dead." I watched as Sam stepped closer to me. I looked up at him from where I was sitting in the chair. "Are you, um, going to get dressed?"

"Should I?" He raised his eyebrows. My mouth went dry.

"Mhmm," I cleared my throat. I felt my cheeks heat. He was staring down at me, his eyes dark.

"You sure?" he grinned at me. He kept a hand on the towel as he leaned down. I leaned up to meet his lips. The kiss was soft and slow like he was worried he was going to break me. His stomach suddenly growled.

I pulled back, trying not to laugh. "Breakfast?"

"Yeah, uh, let me get dressed." He looked embarrassed and I couldn't help but smile as I watched him grab his bag and go back into the washroom. I sent a text to Kelly while I waited. There wasn't a response before we left, but I wasn't too worried. She had Dean with her.

We found a Biggerson's that was open. Sam and I sat across from each other in a booth. He was kind enough to let me have the seat that faced the door. As much as I trusted Sam, I still needed to be able to see my way out.

"Good morning," the waitress said as she stepped up to our table. "My name is Bianca, I'll be your server this morning. What can I get you?"

"Coffee," Sam said. He motioned towards me. "Michelle?"

"Tea, please."

Bianca nodded. "I'll be right back with that." She left quickly. I looked up to see Sam staring at me.

"What?"

"I didn't know you liked tea."

"I don't," I admitted. "Not really, but it's better than coffee and I need something with caffeine." I looked over the menu. "I have no idea what to order."

"Eggs?" Sam offered.

"Maybe, or pancakes. I love chocolate chip pancakes."

"Really?" Sam was staring at me, a slight smile on his face.

"I'm going to be honest with you," I tried to sound as serious as possible. I waited until the smile slipped slightly. "I love anything chocolate." I grinned. I was trying to keep this as light as possible. I didn't want to think back on how we woke up. I didn't want to think about what I was missing.

"Good to know," Sam nodded. Bianca appeared then with our cups.

"One coffee and one tea. Do you know what you want to order?"

Sam motioned for me to go first. "Um, can I please get the chocolate chip pancakes and a side of sausage?"

"I'll get the veggie omelette, please," Sam said. He took my menu and handed it to the waitress.

"Sure thing." Bianca smiled before leaving.

I put the teabag in the hot water and watched as it steeped. When it looked dark enough, I took a sip. I couldn't stop myself from making a face. Sam laughed lightly. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to submit a story about hunting werewolves as nonfiction?"

"What? No." I put the cup down and leaned forward, putting my arms on the table in front of me. "When?"

Sam leaned forward. "It was...1997, Indiana, and it was for an English assignment on what we did that summer…."

The food arrived as he was halfway into the actual story about hunting a werewolf. We both thanked Bianca before he continued. It made perfect sense that his teacher thought it was fictional, but the way he told it was engaging.

"Alright, hold on," I stopped him. "You're telling me that after all that, Dean thought running through the woods saying 'come and get me' was a good idea?"

"Well, he was sixteen…"

I snorted. "Okay, sorry, continue." I cut off another piece of pancake and ate it, trying to keep myself from interrupting. It did not stop me from laughing as he kept going.

"How did you and Kelly meet?"

Sam paid for the breakfast and we were walking slowly back to the hotel. His arm was around my shoulders and he tucked me in against him as we passed people.

"It was in elementary school, actually. It was the first day of grade seven and I had no idea where I was going. It was a new school," I explained. "She saw me standing and staring at the class lists. Walked right up to me, asked if I was new and then said we were now friends. Ended up in the same class, so from then on, we kind of did everything together. It was a slow process, but she won me over with music."

"Music?"

"Yeah, um...she had these bands on her pencil case. I had no idea who they were, which she thought was the worst thing in the world. Took it upon herself to introduce me to new music. When we got older we started going to concerts, and it was usually to the bands she found." I smiled to myself. "One time I almost lost her in a mosh pit." I looked up at his incredulous expression. "She was fine!"

"Why would you take her into a mosh pit? She's so...tiny."

"I know, but she's tough. I thought she'd be okay. Luckily we were with others because it wasn't her thing. Thought she'd get crushed. Me and another friend made it to the front of the stage while she stayed out of the pit."

"What band was it?"

I tried to think, remember back to what it was. "The Offspring. That was a great concert."

"You really like going to concerts?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you'd be surrounded by the music and people who are all there for the same thing. You could just lose yourself in it. It was a good time." I paused for a moment. "I don't think I could do it anymore though," I said lightly. There would be too many people, too many things that could go wrong.

"Maybe we can start small," Sam suggested. "There has to be some coffee shop or something that lets people play." I smiled up at him. I put my arm around his waist and squeezed, trying to convey what that meant.

"Maybe," I agreed. I didn't think I would do it, but I could let him believe it for now. My phone buzzed. I grabbed it out of my pocket and checked the text.

"Who is it?"

"Kelly. She said they both just got up and are in the hotel restaurant, grabbing lunch. Wants us to meet them there."

"Alright, let's go."

Sam had moved his arm from around me and held my hand as we got back to the hotel. It seemed like he wanted to maintain some kind of contact, at least if we were walking.

"There," Sam murmured, motioning forwards. I watched as Dean leaned down to whisper something to Kelly. The two of them looked surprisingly awake and well-rested when we found them. It was a complete contrast to how I felt. We sat down across from them quickly.

"Hey lovebirds," Dean said. "Have a good night?"

I felt myself blush at the insinuation. I knew what he meant and it wasn't waking from a nightmare. Kelly jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow.

"Did you want to grab food? We just finished eating, but happy to wait around," she said, looking at me.

"We're good," I smiled at her. "We went out for breakfast after a run."

Dean looked between Sam and me. "A run? Seriously? Way more fun ways to get in your cardio." I couldn't stop my face from flushing and I suddenly wished the ground opened up and swallowed me. As much as I could talk about these things with Kelly, Dean was a whole other story. Especially since it was his brother.

"Anyway," Sam cut in. "We should hit the road soon. Bobby said he had a lead. Spike in cases of Swine Flu in Nevada. He thinks it might be Pestilence."

"Yeah, we can hit the road in 10. We already checked out." Dean motioned between Sam and I. "You two want to ride together?"

"Sure," Sam said. "You gonna let Kelly drive the Impala?"

I looked at her. The idea of Kelly driving our car was still nerve-wracking. I could only imagine what she might do to the Impala. I also tried to shove down the jealousy I felt at that. The car was a dream and I was lucky enough to drive it once already. Kelly looked terrified.

"I'm cool riding shotgun unless you need the driving break," she said, looking as if she was trying not to show how much the idea freaked her out.

Sam laughed lightly. "Probably a smart call." He looked down at me. "We should check out."

I nodded. "Meet at the cars?" I said to the others.

"Just come back here," Kelly suggested. "That gives me time to finish my coffee."

I stood up and Sam followed. His hand went to the small of my back, guiding me out of the restaurant.

"How long do you think the drive is?" I asked as we went for the elevator.

He shrugged. "Nine hours? Depends on how fast Dean drives."

"I'm not going that fast," I muttered.

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. Let's get our stuff."

[tbc]