A/N: Okay, so let me warn you that while this chapter has a bit of Itachi/Sasuke content, there is nothing psychically explicit here, so I didn't feel the need to add it to the title.
The gods of 'Assuming We...' keep pushing me to write this fic, so here I am, showering you guys with content ^^
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!
Assuming We…
Chapter Twenty Five
Kiba's POV
To say that things had been strange between Naruto and me was an understatement, and I knew it was all my fault for bluntly exposing my thoughts and feelings to him so out of the blue. It's not like it was something I could've kept to myself for much longer, anyway.
Naruto was my best friend, the person closest to me, and the only one with whom I felt completely comfortable being myself around.
I never wanted things to be so awkward between us. Still, I suppose that dating Sasuke made him forget that there was more to his world than their relationship - other people would also feel the impact of their new journey. Maybe not our other friends, but at least I know I did.
Since we practically grew up together, I knew Naruto well. Through first crushes, his constant struggle with his sexuality and identity, relationships, and casual fucks, I had been there.
I knew what was inherent to 'Naruto' and what wasn't; what he did for fun, and emotional relief were things I understood well.
While to others, he might've seemed a bit of a libertine back then, I knew that a part of it was for show - a way for him to protect himself from his emotional vulnerabilities.
Naruto has always been someone who cherishes his bonds as much as he loves his own life. He never got involved with people lightly, meaning that he would give it his all as someone's boyfriend until he no longer could. It was true for both relationships with people he had loved and people he had just decided to date as a hopeful cure for his broken heart.
For me, who had always been by his side, it was easier to indulge his needs and pretend that it was no big deal than to make things complicated between us. Instead of letting him solve stuff for himself, I would tag along for the madness and keep an eye on him. I didn't want him to cope with shit by himself.
Because Naruto was so sexually open and had a train of thought he didn't think I could follow, there was always this strange wall between us that neither wanted to tear down, and I didn't bother to prove him wrong - that was my mistake.
Naruto had always been a hopeless romantic, a fool. He always saw the best in people, always believing that every relationship would last forever, but it would always end in heartbreak.
My best friend, back then, was far from being a libertine, though. Whenever he was single, it was easy for him to have fun with people; usually, it was just making out and fondling at parties or events. However, after a breakup, he usually turned to sex, maybe a coping mechanism that helped him wake up and understand that what he had lost could also be obtained with other people.
Thinking about it now makes me realize he had been too young, working through his issues alone and trying to find his place.
I know there were many things I didn't know about Naruto back then because, while he would usually tell me everything, he kept deeper, darker things primarily to himself.
He would tell me about meaningless relationships in a heartbeat if, for example, some girl confessed, and he decided to give her a shot because she was cute. He also told me about his relationship with Sakura, probably because Sakura herself had been flaunting it all over the place at the time. Maybe because she had been such an extravagant girlfriend, so expressive about her apparent delight in dating him, his heart had been so shattered when they broke up.
I still think she decided to date Naruto at the time to see if it would cause a reaction on Sasuke, but it's not like this is something I would've told him back then. Kids can be stupidly cruel like that.
However, when it came to Haku, Naruto took a long time to be honest with me about it, not because he felt embarrassed, but because it had a different meaning.
Haku was 'different' in many ways - beautiful and androgynous, sometimes presenting himself as a guy, other times dressed in such an abstract way he resembled a refined girl. He was older than Naruto and from another school. While he saw himself as a 'man', he enjoyed being fluid in many ways, and this was fascinating to Naruto at the time, who learned many things and found some form of understanding that he hadn't before.
Haku was an interesting person, well-mannered, beautiful, and, according to Naruto, very kind.
He and Naruto weren't seen together in public for obvious reasons, but they got along well. And then, Haku seemed to have gotten involved with a man easily ten years older than him out of the blue.
He said his goodbyes to Naruto, saying he'd been 'caught in a trap he couldn't escape' and vanished. I don't know if this devastated Naruto or simply shocked him, but while he had a difficult time, for some reason, he never blamed Haku or found any reasons to hate him.
Naruto liked to keep his relationships private. He would keep to himself as if he wanted to create a secret world with that person where no one else was allowed to enter.
In many ways, this was what he did with Sasuke. He had wanted to test the waters and to protect his own little beginner's fairy tale before coming out and telling me about their relationship.
From the very start, this was how I knew that, no matter what he said, Naruto had always been serious about Sasuke. Even if he claimed to be in that relationship just to give it a try and knew Sasuke had someone else he loved, Naruto was invested because how could he not when it was in his nature to give himself to everything he did?
The way I see it, even if he wouldn't admit it to me or even himself, Naruto had fallen for the Uchiha bastard at an early stage because that relationship they had was comfortable, ideal even, and they had good chemistry.
Naruto was happy and content, and while I tried to be happy for him, I couldn't.
I couldn't understand how easily he had thrown himself at someone already drowning in their feelings for someone else, and I couldn't understand Naruto's and Sasuke's relationship at all. To me, an outsider, it seemed toxic, confusing, and pretty much doomed to fail.
But what did I know? While I'd had a few flings and a couple of girlfriends, I didn't know anything about love when I'd been pining for the same person for a long time.
I didn't consider myself gay or bisexual or anything. For a long time, I thought I was just curious.
The internet always said that it was normal sometimes to feel attraction for the same gender - 'hormones' they called it, it didn't define a particular sexual interest - so I didn't think my interest in my best friend was a big deal.
Naruto and I were close to the point of being like brothers, and yet, there were times when he felt so distant I didn't know what to do to reach him.
I never felt the need to question myself or my sexuality, so I couldn't possibly grasp his internal conflicts, needs, things he wanted to explore, have, and how he wanted others to see him. At the same time that his discovery period was fascinating and awakened another boost of eagerness towards him, I felt like my own impulses would be perceived as offensive if I exposed them to him.
If I kissed him or suggested we try something together, would he accept it, or would he be hurt, seeing me as the straight guy who is suddenly curious just because his best friend wasn't straight?
I didn't want Naruto to think I wanted to take advantage of him, only to dump him when someone else came along. That seemed to be such a horrible trope in LGBTQA+ movies that I became paranoid. Also, I didn't know for sure how I felt for him or what I wanted.
Naruto fascinated me, and I wanted to be closer to him. But, on the other hand, I always felt a strange pang of jealousy when I caught him making out with strangers at parties or school. Seeing him hugging other people, his hands all over their bodies as they rubbed themselves all over him, caused things to bubble inside me I didn't know how to handle.
But how could I possibly tell him this? The more time passed and the more confident in himself he became, the less secure I felt, so it was easier just to pretend I wanted to party and hook up with people.
Naruto himself didn't like to talk about things. He didn't like to go deep into how he felt, the things he wanted, what his sexuality was like, and what it meant because he thought that it would always bring forth stupid and insensitive questions, which usually did. I'm sure I asked some myself because, in my ignorance, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I didn't understand any of it - why couldn't he just say that he was bisexual? What was the fucking difference?
There was a difference, of course.
In my mind, though, I often wondered: does it matter? Does it matter that I don't understand it at all so long as I can accept it?
It mattered because it was relevant to Naruto . He wasn't bisexual; he was something else, and not having other people understanding and acknowledging it was frustrating for him.
But these were things I only came to understand later, especially when it came to suit my interests, but that is a story for a later time.
At this point, though, I suppose that, even if I couldn't wrap my mind around Sasuke's and Naruto's relationship, Naruto was indulging because, in his way, he respected whatever it was that Sasuke was going through. To love someone forbidden this desperately had to be tough.
To us mere mortals, it was unthinkable. Still, to Naruto, even if it hurt him, there was also a part of him that acknowledged Sasuke's situation as acceptable, maybe because, somehow, there were many things about him that Sasuke also accepted wholeheartedly.
I was envious of them. I constantly wondered about what they felt for each other that made this mess seem worth it. I wondered if their understanding was so deeply rooted that it turned Sasuke into someone irreplaceable to Naruto.
I had no idea about Sasuke's take on this, but it was easier for me to think badly of him than to accept that he was a good boyfriend regardless.
Despite my feelings, I suppose he was. Naruto wasn't the type to take this sort of shit unless the other person knew how to work it out with him properly.
Naruto said they were honest and straightforward with each other, so I had to believe him.
Still, it was frustrating for me. I had been quiet about how I felt about Naruto for so long, afraid that he wouldn't take me seriously, scared that our bond might weaken. Yet, because of Uchiha Sasuke, Naruto seemed to be drifting away from me more and more, and my impulsiveness had done nothing to make it better.
I didn't regret telling him how I felt, mainly because I also said things he had needed to hear.
All I wanted was for him to be happy. How I felt for him was exclusive - I didn't care for other guys - and maybe it wasn't even sexual at all. He was simply so important to me that a part of me wanted him to be loved unconditionally and without unnecessary drama. I knew I could at least provide that, and everything else could come with time.
It sucked that my awkward confession came too late because I knew Naruto well enough to know that he was already hopelessly in love with the Uchiha asshole.
"Fuck, that was exhausting," Naruto whined as we stepped out of his family's shop and into the late afternoon cold. "I never want to work during Christmas again, I swear. Winter vacation my ass."
"Think positive; at least it's over now," I said, stretching my arms over my head to ease the tension in my muscles while he locked up.
It was Christmas Eve, so the shop had been busy, and since Sai hadn't been able to come to work due to a migraine, Naruto had asked me to give them a hand since I sometimes helped and already knew how the business worked, plus they trusted me.
Kushina-san and Karin had already left to get things ready for the family dinner, while Naruto and I had stayed behind to clean up.
We hadn't talked much the whole day, but I was kind of eager to work things through with him since we had barely been able to talk during the last few days. Even the last time we had been together was spent looking for a fucking gift for Uchiha. It still made me roll my eyes just thinking about it.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Naruto mumbled, turning to me and rummaging through his bag for a while, looking for something. Then, he took out his wallet and opened it, taking a few bills out and extending them to me. "Here, for your help."
I eyed the bills, making a face. "No way, man! I helped because we're friends, I don't need that," I refused, pushing his hand away.
"My mom put the money in my wallet so I would give it to you, don't be an ass and just take it," Naruto insisted, pressing the bills to my chest and forcing me to cradle them so they wouldn't fall to the ground. "You know how stingy she can be, so she'll be offended if you don't accept it."
It was true. I didn't mean to offend Kushina-san, but I did feel a little bad for accepting money. She always insisted on paying me when I helped, but in truth, I never did it for the money - I genuinely liked working with Naruto, even if I did have my part-time job.
A little awkwardly, I arranged the bills in my hands without counting them, but I could see that it was a generous amount.
"Okay, fine," I mumbled, resigned, pulling out my wallet and tucking the money away. "Thanks, I guess."
"You wanna go grab something to drink before we head home?" Naruto asked, adjusting his bag on his shoulder and zipping his thick jacket up.
"Only if you want to," I replied, shoving my hands inside the pockets of my parka and shrugging. "I'm good."
"Okay then."
We exchanged a hesitant look because our houses were in different directions, and it was evident that we had to part ways.
Biting down on my lower lip, I gathered the courage to speak. "Can I walk you home?" I asked, feeling sheepish for some reason. "I think we should talk."
Blue eyes pierced through mine, which was a good thing - he wasn't thinking about running away from me - yet he seemed to contemplate whether that would be a good idea for a few seconds.
"Sure," he ended up saying to my relief, offering me a small crooked smile.
I have to admit that, as we made our way to his place, walking side by side, I felt my heart picking up a beat. Naruto hadn't exactly been avoiding me since our talk, but he hadn't exactly been himself, either, maybe because he didn't feel comfortable, or maybe because of Sasuke, who knew. He wasn't the type of guy who would walk away from a friend for something like this, so I chose to think that he just had too much on his mind.
I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes. The sun was setting, its last rays causing the new silvery stud he had at the top of his left ear to gleam.
"Does it still hurt?" I inquired, more to make conversation than anything else. I had been there when he'd gotten the damn thing - Sasuke's stupid influence. I mean, I had piercings, but Naruto wasn't the type to have interest in such things, yet, he had wanted to get one because Sasuke had tons, and it looked cool.
Scratch that; he had gotten it for Sasuke.
I couldn't even remember seeing the prick with them, but surely Naruto knew about it better than I did. He knew Sasuke intimately.
"Yeah, but I think it's healing well," Naruto said casually, instinctively touching his fingers to the stud. He grinned at me. "Does it look good?"
I was a little taken aback by the question. The day he got it, he had been in a strange mood - sour even - not even excited about doing it. Now he seemed more carefree, genuinely curious about my answer.
My cheeks caught fire, which infuriated me. "I guess," I grumbled, not knowing what else to say because it did suit him. Still, I didn't know what our boundaries were nowadays and what he felt comfortable hearing from me, considering he was in a relationship. I had confessed to being romantically interested in him.
His smile grew. "Thanks."
Chewing on my lower lip, I looked at the streets ahead, wondering about the best way to start our conversation. It's not like I wanted to be deep or anything; I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wasn't particularly good at this type of thing, and I sucked when it came to feelings.
"Naruto, I…" I started but had to take a moment to think about approaching it without being stupidly blunt. I made a clicking sound with my tongue in annoyance, chancing another glance at him, who was watching me curiously. "Are we cool? I mean, you haven't been avoiding me because of what I told you, right?"
His eyebrows rose. "Of course not!" he denied, even if his cheeks reddened visibly at the same time. "It was a bit surprising, I'll give you that, but it's not what you think."
"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable in any way, man," I said, sincerely, even if I felt awkward. "I said what I wanted to say but it's not like I'm expecting anything from you. You have Uchiha, and I respect that. You know I got your back."
Deep down, it wasn't what I wanted to say, but it was better to make things cool between us than to push him away because of my thoughts on Sasuke.
"I know, Kiba," Naruto acknowledged, looking away from me. "It's just that… I don't know, I think you could've told me sooner or something? So many things could've been different. Maybe at a different time I would know how to respond. Right now it's just…."
"Yeah, I get it," I interrupted, even if I felt my heart sink - I knew what he meant since we had already been honest about it. "It's fine."
Kicking a pebble on the sidewalk, Naruto heaved a loud sigh. "It kinda sucks, you know," he muttered, looking at the ground. "You're my best friend. There were things I'd rather have done with you than someone else. I mean, we could've had some fun. I don't deny that I was curious at some point. You're a good looking guy, but you were always so macho and whatever I was scared of even joking about it. When you told me how you felt it was kind of like being stabbed in the heart."
"That's on me," I admitted, guilty.
He paused, making a thoughtful pout, before proceeding. "You do have… those kinds of feelings for me, right?" he asked, eyeing me with uncertainty.
If I weren't so embarrassed, I would've laughed. "Right," I confessed, knowing it was useless to deny it after everything. "But, as I said, you don't need to feel self-conscious about it. I know how you feel, so don't go being all considerate out of the blue just because of it. Nothing has to change, alright?"
At this, he made a small smile. "Yeah, thanks, Kiba. And I'm sorry."
"Don't be stupid; you have nothing to apologize for."
It was true. After confessing to him and getting his response, I wasn't expecting a single thing from him, just his friendship, as usual.
We were once again silent for a while, but the previous heaviness didn't hang between us anymore. I could tell that he looked a little solemn, contemplating, even, but it didn't seem related to us.
I suddenly realized he probably hadn't given my confession a lot of thought at all, even if, for sure, it had affected him somewhat.
"You want to talk about something?" I asked carefully, not wanting to pry too much nor make him feel stifled in any way.
With another smile, he shook his head from side to side. "Nah, there's just been a lot on my mind recently," he explained softly. "It's not like I don't want to tell you about it, it's just that I haven't really figured out how I'm feeling myself, so it's no use talking about it."
He looked at me openly now, a fond look filling his eyes with emotions I couldn't understand. I swallowed hard, wanting desperately to ask what was so wrong, what was upsetting him, what was he feeling, but I instantly knew he wouldn't tell me.
Somehow, I knew that we had reached a point where, despite our deep friendship, he would slowly start to shut me out and close himself off. Again, he would leave to go to his world, filled with secrets that he couldn't let me know - secrets that he would share with Sasuke instead because I had no place there.
Or so I thought that day because he felt so distant from me.
"As long as you're okay," I said, choosing my words wisely - something I wouldn't have done in the past. "If this is about Sasuke, though, I might fly to Tokyo and break his teeth."
Naruto laughed a bit at that, coming closer so he could elbow me companionably. "You'd make me sad if you did that. I love his stupidly perfect teeth," he chuckled jokingly, making me roll my eyes at him. "No, but seriously. Some part of it is about him, but it's not just about him. I'll figure it out, I guess, and when I do, we can talk about it, I think."
"Fine," I acquiesced, elbowing him back. "I still don't know what you see in him. A prick who is in love with someone else. I wish you didn't have to put yourself through this, to be honest. That's really what bothers me the most about all of this."
Naruto's smile didn't disappear, but he did press the side of his body closer to me as if intentionally seeking some kind of comfort. "I can't expect you to understand, but if it weren't for that person, everything would be perfect," he muttered, with a casual shrug. "I know you don't believe me, but I… really love having him like this. He's an asshole, but also an amazing person."
I groaned, choosing to sound playful to mask the fact that hearing him say that kind of hurt. "Disgusting."
Grinning mischievously, Naruto hooked an arm around mine. "I told you it was best not to talk about it."
"Yeah, it's painful hearing you talk about him," I said, making a face. "Stop shoving it down my throat how in love you are with him already. I get it."
"Sorry."
"Stop apologizing."
Arm in arm, we made our way to his house, chatting in a sort of playful way that wasn't ideal but at least it was reassuring.
All the while, I tried to convince myself that it was fine like this. As long as I would get to keep him in my life like before, it would be fine. At least we were still friends.
After all, how much can a person long for something they never had?
And then I thought about Sasuke and it didn't make me feel better at all.
How long until someone can truly move on from their feelings of love for someone else?
Was that even possible?
Sasuke's POV
Itachi, as expected, had been very busy during the next few days, shooting scene after scene. The locations weren't always the same as we constantly moved to several different places in Kyoto. It was great for me because it allowed me to do some sightseeing on my own when I got bored, even if it didn't happen a lot. After all, I became part of the 'team' onset, meaning that I became solicited in every department. I didn't mind considering this also allowed me to learn many new things.
Our days were always full and eventful, something I had forgotten during those months I had been avoiding being with him, but it was also refreshing and a good distraction from other ominous events.
Despite everything, Itachi and I spent a lot of time together. After filming, we would always go out for dinner and either take a walk or go for a ride before heading back to the hotel, where, expectedly, things always got a little heated before sleep.
It was a routine I enjoyed and one I realized I could quickly get used to. However, I often wondered how much of it was real and how much was just me hungrily taking in as much as possible before we had to go our separate ways again. I wondered whether this intensity would fade with time if we happened to have a chance to be together at this point. Maybe this was just the novelty of it all. Surely, this was a plaguing thought for Itachi, too.
It didn't feel that way, though. It was a strange feeling, being so comfortably intimate with my brother and yet feeling that overwhelming desire every time we touched. Somehow, I had a distinct feeling that this would never change no matter how much time passed, but what did I know?
Just as Itachi had predicted, the filming in Kyoto would only end on Christmas day if all went well.
Christmas Eve arrived quickly, and the day was complete chaos, mainly because it had started to rain heavily, which proved to be quite the setback as we had to move locations and everyone had to rethink what could be done and changed so they wouldn't be too behind on schedule. The director, along with actors, producers, and scriptwriters, all had to gather to try and solve this as quickly as possible, and eventually, with a few changes here and there, things were back on track.
It was a longer day than the previous ones, but it was with immense relief that everyone wrapped it up.
After declining numerous dinner invitations, Itachi and I finally agreed to have dinner with Deidara and the others, mainly because it was Christmas. It would be weird if it were just the two of us, not that either minded.
Apparently, Hidan-san always booked a traditional yet considerably big restaurant so everyone could have a nice dinner and relax over drinks. There was a long center table where he gathered with the actors and his right-hand people, and then the rest of the crew that wanted to join would be scattered about on the smaller, four person tables. It had been a while since I had eaten dinner sitting on the floor, yet the environment was friendly and cozy. Of course, I sat at the same table as Itachi and Hidan-san, sitting between my brother and Deidara.
It was fascinating how lively people were despite such a tiring day, everyone chatting loudly.
Itachi would converse easily and amicably with everyone, never declining a beverage whenever someone offered to pour for him. I had a feeling they were trying to get him drunk, but I doubted they would be successful since he had a high tolerance when it came to alcohol, plus, he was eating relatively well. I have to admit that I would sometimes take a few sips of his glass, not exactly feeling bold enough to ask for a glass myself since I was the youngest in the room, followed by Deidara, who didn't care and drank to his heart's content.
Deidara was an interesting person, foul-mouthed and arrogant, but also strangely open and honest, constantly wearing his emotions on his sleeve and letting them out without restraint, which was strange for me considering he was an actor and a good one at that. I didn't see any parental figure around him, nor anyone that could be regarded as close to him, even if he seemed to be on good terms with Hidan-san. I wondered if he was alone, but I didn't want to pry, so I never asked.
After dinner, the room started getting stuffy, and I had probably been sipping too much for Itachi's sake at that point, so I decided to get some fresh air. I grabbed Itachi's pack of cigarettes, telling him I'd be back in a minute, and got up, feeling a little wobbly but not exactly drunk.
The designated smoker's area was outside in a small alley on the lateral side of the restaurant's building. The night was dark, and it was still raining heavily, but there was a convenient hood built-in to protect the customers. I forgot my jacket, so I was hit by the sudden cold, and even if it felt good on my flustered cheeks at first, it quickly became uncomfortable.
Just as I turned around to go back inside and fetch my jacket, Deidara emerged in his thick grey parka, baby blue eyes reproachful as he threw said item at me. "You want to catch a fucking cold?" he said rudely, zipping his parka up and leaning on the wall beside me. "Kyoto's weather is pretty humid, you think you're fine but it'll hit you like a truck when you least expect it."
"I forgot it, but I was just going back to grab it," I defended, putting my jacket on and making a face at him. "But thanks, I guess."
"Let me have one," he said in his rude way, noticing the pack in my hand. I shrugged and passed him the pack, also taking the chance to zip my jacket all the way up since it was freezing outside.
"Itachi smokes some fancy shit," Deidara commented conversationally, pulling a cigarette out for himself before passing the pack back to me. "Does he have refined tastes for everything?"
"He likes quality, I guess," I muttered with a shrug, bringing a cigarette to my lips and lighting it with my plastic lighter. "But he's not exactly prissy about things, no."
I shoved the pack inside the pocket of my jacket before bringing the lighter to Deidara's cigarette, already stuck between his teeth. I lit it myself since he had stolen about three of my lighters, so I wasn't going to risk lending him another one.
Deidara grabbed my wrist to keep my hand in place as he took a puff before releasing it. Maybe because we were close in age, we had somehow gravitated towards each other during the last few days and formed a sort of comfortable not-really-relationship but a form of interaction we were growing accustomed to.
While I hadn't liked him at first, by then, I was also grateful for having met him because he was someone I had been able to hang out with when there was nothing else to do, and someone more on my vibe in an environment where everyone was already an adult. Sure, we didn't see eye to eye on many things, but it was still fun.
To be quite honest, while Itachi had always acted mature, he did feel a lot older to me when he was working, for some reason.
We were quiet for a while, both calmly enjoying our cigarettes and watching the rain pour down, dark puddles forming at our feet. Then, Deidara made an annoyed 'tsk' with his tongue and shoved a hand on the back pocket of his jeans, taking something out and pushing it to my chest, forcing me to grab hold of it - it was a small envelope.
"What's this?" I asked, confused.
He made a face. "It's your Christmas gift," he said grumpily.
I bit down on my lower lip, completely taken off guard. "I didn't get you anything," I admitted, not having considered getting anything for anyone except Itachi.
"Don't be stupid, that's not even anything special," Deidara mumbled, rolling his eyes. "I just wanted to give you something since I'm leaving tomorrow."
"What?" I retorted, not having expected it. "What do you mean, leaving?"
"I don't have any scenes left to shoot here in Kyoto, so I'm heading back home first thing in the morning," he said, with a shrug of his shoulders. He offered me a nasty smirk. "What; you're gonna miss me or something?"
"No," I denied firmly, even though, thinking about it, I probably would. "You're insufferable."
Deidara laughed a bit at that. "Whatever," he said, dismissively, clearly not believing me. "Just open it so I can see if you liked it."
Holding the cigarette between two fingers, I opened the envelope. It was a photograph that I recognized as belonging to our second day on set, when everyone had gathered at the end of the day to take a picture. Deidara had pulled me by force and hooked an arm around my neck to make sure I appeared as well.
For some reason, looking at it made me feel strangely emotional.
"It's… great," I muttered, looking at all the familiar faces I could now easily recognize. "Thank you."
"It's exclusive, so don't go publishing on social media," Deidara joked, taking a drag on his cigarette. As I put the picture back inside the envelope, I could feel his gaze on me. "But I'm gonna publish the one we took yesterday on my Insta."
"I did not give my consent to that," I retorted warningly, putting the envelope inside the pocket of my jacket. I looked at him. "Deidara, I'm serious."
At this, he laughed again, shaking his head from side to side. "You're unbelievable, you know that?" he said, with a smile. "Anyone would be dying to show up in a picture next to me, and you're saying you don't want it? I don't get it, but maybe you really dislike me that much?"
I eyed him in disbelief. "I don't dislike you, I just don't want to have my face all over social media."
"Why?" Deidara asked, genuinely curious, now. "You're a model, you have a face worth a million bucks, and you don't want exposure?"
"I have to finish school, and I want to go to college," I said, with a sigh. "I owe that to my parents, and it's something I have to do. Maybe it's confusing for you, but I really want to take things one at a time. I'm not my brother, I have a relationship and friends I want to enjoy while I can. When I start building my career I want to give it my all without having other responsibilities. Is that so difficult to understand?"
Deidara watched me for a while, lips pressed tightly together. "No, I guess it's not," he said sincerely. "It's actually pretty bold of you to think of it like that. Since I didn't go to college I just took whatever chance I got but… if that's how you want to do it, fine. It's still a waste, but suit yourself."
"Yeah," I mumbled before taking another drag in my cigarette.
I know any other kid my age would probably do as Deidara had said and be thrilled about the exposure, even if just for five minutes of fame, but I couldn't bring myself to feel happy about it, not at this point where I had so much in my mind. Also, truth be told, while I knew what I wanted for my future, I was still uncertain about how to go about a few things.
"Can't I just post a picture without tagging you, then?" Deidara asked, sounding hopeful. "Although, for sure, people will ask who you are all the same."
I frowned at him. "Only if you tell me why it's so important to you."
Blond eyebrows rose as he stared at me. "Because I see you as a friend, okay?" he snapped before making a face. "It's fucking difficult having people to connect with, especially in this industry, and it was nice hanging out with you. That's all."
I watched him for a couple of seconds in surprise. "I see," I muttered, not knowing what else to say because I hadn't expected him to be so blunt about it or to feel this way after only a few days of occasional socializing. Regardless, I could understand the sentiment - we had bonded, I suppose, and had shared some sort of empathy I hadn't been able to escape.
"You sound like your brother now," he teased, smashing the cigarette on the ashtray in the wall.
"Shut up," I threw, feeling my cheeks warm up. "Fine; post the damn picture."
Deidara's smile was huge and oddly innocent for someone with such a foul mouth. "Yay!"
I could only roll my eyes at him as I, too, smashed my cigarette on the ashtray, looking at him from the corner of my eyes.
There was a solemn feeling inside of me I couldn't quite place, like a feeling of loss. Deidara wasn't exactly my type of person, and at first sight, I never thought I would ever be on good terms with him, but somehow, he had been a constant during those full, busy days, someone with whom I had been able to talk to and share a few moments. He had a feisty personality yet was strangely giving.
I never expected to feel disappointed about him leaving.
He seemed to notice my change as his smile turned into a smirk.
"Hey Sasuke," he called out conversationally, turning to me and leaning his shoulder on the wall. A hand reached out to touch the zipper in my jacket, tugging at it. "Wanna make out?"
I couldn't help but snort. It was funny, to be honest.
Somehow, I had seen it coming, so I didn't know why I had expected him to be quiet about it. "You're crazy," I admonished, frowning. "Why would I do that?"
"For fun?" he replied, almost playfully, light blue eyes curiously raking over my face. "I don't know, I just kinda really want suck your face."
I blinked at him. Part of me wanted to laugh because his bluntness was one of his most attractive traits, but that would destroy our dynamics, so I made a disgusted face instead.
"What part of me being in a relationship is so difficult for you to understand?" I retorted, shaking my head from side to side in false disbelief.
"It's just kissing, there's nothing wrong with it," he said casually. He moved a bit closer, not enough to be pressed against me but certainly enough to be insinuating. The way he tugged harder at my zipper to try and pull me in wasn't exactly smooth, yet I didn't budge from my safe spot. "It's not like I'm gonna fuck you against the wall. Unless you want to, of course."
I slapped his hand away before pressing a first to his chest, heavy enough to pose as a warning but not enough to push him away actively. "Personal space, Deidara; that's a thing you need to respect," I said calmly.
"No feedback on the fucking part?" he asked faking disappointment. He didn't step back, but also didn't try to overstep my boundaries again, something I was grateful for.
"You're not getting anything from me, least of all that ," I hissed, eying him with defiance. " Move , will you?"
"Aw, come on, Sasuke!" Deidara whined with a pout. "We get along well, don't we? I can't possibly be the only one who feels some chemistry!"
"I'm not making out with you and that's final," I retorted, firmly. "Please don't be a fucking idiot and make things awkward for both of us."
At this, Deidara's mouth pressed tightly shut, his eyes unblinkingly looking at me. Unfalteringly, I looked back.
There was a moment of silence and I could see him trying to read my expression as I tried to read his, hoping that I hadn't hurt his feelings even though I knew I probably had. Deidara was a nonchalant and carefree person, but his ego was easily bruised. Regardless, I wasn't going to go against my principles just to indulge him.
Maybe in another situation, I would've done it for fun. Maybe if there was no Itachi or Naruto in my life and I was at a point where I needed to figure myself out, but this wasn't the case - I knew well what I wanted and the things close to my heart.
After a while, he 'tsked' before finally taking a step away from me, putting some decent distance between us. He shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. "Frustrating asshole," he grumbled moodily under his breath. "Fine, whatever. I'm heading back inside. You have my phone number, so give me a call sometime, will ya?"
Despite myself, I nodded, offering him a small smile. "Sure, Deidara."
As I watched him turn his back on me and head inside, I vaguely considered that he had been surprisingly respectful. While he had been slightly pushy, he hadn't exactly been aggressively physical and he could've just kissed me without notice but had instead chosen to have my consent, which showed that despite our constant bickering, he respected me.
I couldn't help but wonder how it would be if we had a chance to become friends. I had no romantic or sexual interest in him, but being drawn to someone I had met only recently wasn't something that had ever happened to me. Maybe he was simply the kind of person I admire despite being so different from me. Like Itachi, Deidara had pursued his dreams from an early age.
In different circumstances, if Naruto and I had never gotten involved, maybe I would've indulged him out of curiosity or, like before, out of desperation for someone that wasn't Itachi.
When thinking about the girls I'd dated without feelings, Deidara made a lot more sense. It was almost ironic.
I couldn't help but wonder if indeed I was more attracted to men than women, but genuine 'attraction' was a frivolous thing, and not something I felt easily.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I heaved a small sigh, looking up at the sky. It was still raining heavily and cold as hell, but being outside was soothing and I didn't feel like going inside.
Probably because it was Christmas, I thought of home. Even though Itachi and I had already called our parents, I was still wondering if they truly were okay, even if they were at the Namikaze's. It was the first time that we didn't spend Christmas together. Even in previous years, Itachi had always made sure to come home for the occasion, so I was sure some part of them felt sad that their kids weren't around.
No matter how nice it was spending time with my brother and everyone else, in a way, I longed for the comfort of our family home and our relatives, my mother's cooking, and the loud conversations of uncles and cousins.
I also thought about Naruto. What was he thinking about, spending Christmas with my parents and not having me around?
Did he miss me?
I realized I missed him more than I thought. In many ways, being around Itachi often helped me to not constantly think about my boyfriend or the future of our relationship for obvious reasons, yet it was rather surprising how I couldn't simply get Naruto off my mind.
No matter how much I tried to tell myself that it would be fine if Naruto decided to break up with me, it wasn't fine, even if I would have to respect his decision if it came down to it - I had brought it upon myself.
Still, the prospect made me feel like absolute crap and I didn't know what to do with myself.
Biting down on my lower lip, I considered calling him. We had been texting each other frequently, but the messages were short, awkward and vague. Neither of us asked any more questions about what we were doing. His replies showed that he wanted to talk to me at least, and wasn't keen on pushing me away.
No matter how much I wanted to be honest with him and not hide anything, not hurting him further was my priority. My bluntness could potentially push him away and lead him to think I didn't care about his feelings in all of this, which was far from the truth.
I cared about him so much it scared me to think that I might lose him. He had always been so happy, so carefree I hadn't once considered that my words and actions could harm him, and they had, but that wasn't something I had done intentionally.
Regardless, it was because he cared as much about me that he felt this way, and at least this offered me some reassurance that things would be alright, somehow.
However, many things would change from then on; it was unavoidable. There was no easy way to compromise if we were to be together, and I had forced myself to accept the fact. No matter what happened in the future, Itachi's shadow would always lurk between me and Naruto, and I had no way of offering my boyfriend the loyalty he deserved - it would be hypocritical of me to do so, and I refused to lie to him about any of it. All I could offer him were my feelings, my sincerity, and my complete selflessness.
I suppose that, at this point, that was all I could offer to Itachi, as well.
Despite how I felt about them and how they felt for me, in the end, I think their understanding of my feelings only reached a certain level. For sure they thought the same about me.
It was all true.
While I had no way of predicting anything, I knew at least that my love for Itachi - the things we had lived and done together - would follow me forever. I also knew that, no matter what my brother thought or said, the likelihood that we'd ever get back to what we used to be was practically non-existent, no matter how much we loved each other, as lovers and as brothers.
There was no undoing what we had done.
I was young, but I knew myself (and him) enough to perceive this, even if Itachi thought so highly of himself that he didn't. I could see it all coming from a mile away, yet I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it or make it easier. Not when Itachi himself refused to.
Even if I could see the outcome, I wish I could say that I regretted having gotten myself in this situation, but I really didn't. Painful as it was to be with Itachi sometimes, there was no replacing what we felt when we were together.
Huffing, I grabbed my phone from the back pocket of my jeans. I quickly typed a message to Naruto.
Merry Christmas. I hope you have fun.
I miss you.
I didn't hesitate in sending it. The reply was almost immediate and I couldn't help but smile while reading it.
Not fun if you're not here, and our folks are pretty tipsy already.
Just a few seconds later, another text came in.
I miss you, too. Come back soon.
My heart jumped so suddenly inside my ribcage I had to rub my chest with a hand. I felt so relieved that he had responded this way that elation seemed to wash over me like a soothing blanket. This sort of amazing feeling was something I didn't ever want to get used to.
Naruto had truly become such a grounding force for me that it felt as if I could do anything as long as I had him in my life to make everything better. Because he existed, nothing seemed impossible.
No obstacle was insurmountable with him. As long as he was by my side, I knew I could keep pushing forward and keep my head up.
Just a few months previously, I wouldn't have believed it, yet, there I was, clinging to him and our bond.
In so many ways I was grateful that we had gotten this far.
Texting him a brief 'goodnight', I put my phone away and headed back inside, feeling a lot better.
000
In just a few days, I felt like I had lived through several lifetimes. My days with Itachi had been intense, busy, the onslaught of information overwhelming, yet meeting new people, seeing and trying new things had been exciting. It had gone by too fast, yet it felt like those days had stretched out for years.
Looking back on it now, I realize that I didn't spend that much time with Itachi, but the moments we shared onset and our private time together were definitely meaningful and memorable, yet draining. I felt mentally and emotionally exhausted, my heart and my brain having a hard time adapting to the constant shifts in moods and tension levels. Going from chaste brotherly interactions to explosive waves of desire was a never-ending cycle that was not as expected as it would seem, and I always felt both gratified and beaten afterward.
I knew how to deal with Itachi's mood swings, yet I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by everything he did and said, my constant struggle to keep up filling me with adrenaline, yet kicking my ass every time.
My brother was a generous man, loving and giving, but he was also extremely demanding. The way he did things and the way he hungered for me as if he wanted to eat me alive was a strong contrast to his careful management of our relationship.
Itachi didn't allow himself to be consumed by me as both of us wanted, nor did he allow me to forget what I had said to him, who I was and what I had said I wanted.
There were thresholds he absolutely did not cross, and facts he wouldn't let go of. In so many ways, he was so admirably brave and simultaneously strong that I couldn't help but be amazed by him despite how fucking infuriating he was.
Whenever I got angry at him, whenever I felt like yelling in frustration at his ruthlessness, I reminded myself that he was, indeed, the responsible adult, the older brother, and the man who would always have to own up to his own actions in all of this and live with it.
He was also the man who loved me, who wanted me in ways that were too sacred, too dark to be mentioned, and who had to stand on his own two feet all the same and know where to draw the line.
When I was by myself, watching him from a distance, I ached for him and admitted that all things considered, he had indeed allowed us to go way beyond anything he could forgive himself for.
In my mind, though, I kept thinking, 'why not move forward when we've gotten this far already'?
It was stupidly simple in my head, only it wasn't in Itachi's, nor Naruto's, I suppose.
To be fair, no outsider would consider something like this simple - it was only simple to me, who wanted everything and couldn't help but be childishly hopeful.
Going back to Tokyo felt like awakening from a very vivid dream, my feet being pulled violently back to the ground. It foretold endings, beginnings, partings, homecomings, and uncertainties.
Tokyo meant I was just a couple of days away from facing all the things I had been protected from, in a way, while in Kyoto, and the savage avalanche of shit I needed to sort from then on.
Itachi, Naruto, my friends - there was so much I needed to tackle head-on that I wasn't looking forward to it, yet had no other choice. It didn't help that I only had a vague notion of what was coming my way, but I had considered all the possible outcomes, so I wasn't as lost as one might think.
I actually thought I was prepared for everything.
It was still daunting, though, perceiving those same outcomes but not going how they would play out.
For sure, if this unsettled me, I couldn't only guess how Itachi, a calculating perfectionist must feel.
We returned to his apartment in Tokyo one early afternoon two days after Christmas, our journey back home mostly silent.
Itachi had shot one final scene early in the morning, so he was visibly tired, having spent several days working to the bone without a single day off - plus spending whatever was left of his days with me, so I didn't feel like bothering him unnecessarily. The fact that I had woken up in a solemn mood didn't make me want to talk much anyway.
I didn't like goodbyes, but my time with everyone from the movie Itachi was shooting was over. Itachi would still be filming at a different location in a few days, but for now, he would be taking a much-deserved break.
Once we got home, I urged him to get some sleep. Despite his complaints that he was fine, I promised that I would wake him up so we could make dinner together and he eventually caved in, heading to my room instead of his. When I went to check up on him just a few minutes afterward, I saw he was already fast asleep. He had removed his shirt and jeans, so he was just in his boxers and tank top, grabbed my pillow, and basically collapsed face down on the bed.
As I watched him sleep, quiet and motionless, his handsome features almost ethereally soft, I felt deeply sorry for him, even if I knew this was just the outcome of who he willingly was. He simply didn't know how or when to stop.
Itachi always put up a strong front, but in the end, he was only human. Maybe it wasn't just physical exhaustion, either.
Careful not to wake him up, I threw a blanket over him before heading back to the bathroom to change into more comfortable clothes and head to the living room. I, too, felt pretty tired but didn't know what to do with myself, neither did I feel like doing anything in particular.
My mind was racing. It felt as though the clock was ticking and the passing of time was unavoidable, and while on one hand, this caused me anxiety, on the other I felt like the sooner I got everything out of the way the better.
I felt like a complete mess, yet there was also a strange clarity in me that didn't allow me to feel overcome with panic.
Regardless, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly emotional.
Grabbing a pillow from the large sofa, I moved to the huge fluffy carpet in the center and lay down on my back. I wasted a few minutes creating a playlist on my mobile phone before setting it down next to my thigh. I had soft music playing, so I closed my eyes and tried to relax. It didn't take long for me to find myself in a different place, awake but lost somewhere in the depths of my mind.
I thought about Itachi and Naruto. I thought about myself, who I was, and what I wanted. I thought about where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be seen.
I had learned so many things in the last few months and changed so much that the 'me' of this moment felt so completely detached from who had been before this whole situation with Naruto had started. More than anything, I had learned many things about myself, and I wasn't who I had been before.
I liked to believe that I had improved myself as a person, yet had also become more selfish, my greediness bringing out the more reckless side of me.
Being with both of them had taught me that I was capable of reaching out for anything I wanted and that I no longer wanted to live a life of fear or hesitancy. While I knew there were things I couldn't have and things I couldn't openly admit to or say, the things I could have, I would continue to reach out for them.
No matter what happened, I wouldn't hide anymore.
My hopes, my dreams, Itachi and Naruto… there was nothing I could possibly do but love them both and give them whatever I could, on my own terms and theirs. Respecting them would probably be the only thing I could do, at least for now.
Only time would tell where it would lead us, or if it would ever lead us anywhere at all.
All of it was easier said than done, though.
Time passed and I don't know if I fell asleep or not since my brain was in chaotic disarray.
At some point, I was gently pulled from the depths of my mind towards consciousness as I was vaguely aware of a heavy weight on top of me.
With a small sigh, I removed my forearm from my eyes and blinked a bit to find Itachi straddling my hips and watching me in silence. His eyes were sharp, penetrating, yet I couldn't read them at all. There was no expression on his features, either.
Even in his boxers and his tank top, with his hair loose falling over his chest and back, he was quite a vision.
Everyone thought he was beautiful. No matter how many sides of him I had seen already, I thought so, too.
To me, he looked like someone out of this world, like a God I felt grateful to hold in my hands, yet was aware that could slip away from me at any moment.
A God that had been tainted because he had chosen me to love.
I wondered if he thought the same thing about me.
I noticed that the living room had darkened considerably - the sun had begun to set and barely filtered through the curtains, shadows filling up the place and creating an eerie setting.
Moby's 'Landing' played gently in the background, but other than that, it was silent.
I swallowed hard as my eyes met his. "What?" I asked in a whisper, placing both hands on his naked thighs. "You know you're being kind of a creep, watching me like this, right?"
Gently, Itachi put his hands over both of mine before his fingers curled around my wrists. "I was just thinking that I wanted to photograph you," he said, his voice low, yet emotionless. "But the lighting is unfortunately inappropriate."
"You take so many pictures of me I can't help but wonder what you'll do with them," I muttered, completely serious.
"I will look at them when you're not around," Itachi said, but he uttered it in such a strange, solemn way that it gave me goosebumps. "But no matter how many I take, none of them truly captures you, or the essence of who you are. It's an unsettling thought."
My lips parted as I stared at him, unsure of how to respond to such a thing. There he was, being his usual self and subtly pouring his feelings all over me on purpose just to leave a mark. I often wondered how many times he would make sure to engrain himself on me just to make sure it would leave a scar I would be aware of for the rest of my life.
Itachi could be cruel like that, giving everything without restraint only to take everything back to suit his purposes. My only consolation was the fact that I knew I wasn't the only one who'd be scarred.
"I'm leaving the day after tomorrow," I said, straight to the point. His muscles tensed slightly, yet his expression didn't change.
"Why?" was all he asked, almost conversationally.
"You already knew it," I reminded him.
"Yes, I was simply hoping you'd reconsider and want to stay longer," he retorted. "At least until I went back to filming."
I heaved a sigh. "I promised Naruto I'd spend New Year's with him, if he still wants to, that is," I huffed. "Besides, what's the point of staying longer? It becomes harder the more time I spend with you."
Itachi's hands squeezed my wrists tighter. "What becomes harder?" he inquired, softly now, his eyes thankfully losing a bit of their suffocating intensity and becoming a little more transparent.
I frowned at him, for some reason feeling a pang of hurt at the way was dealing with this - or maybe it was me who felt vulnerable.
"Don't play games with me, Itachi, I'm fucking exhausted," I uttered, between clenched teeth. "We both know how it's going to go once I go back home, so cut the crap and say it to my face. I need to hear it straight from your mouth."
Unexpectedly, Itachi's expression shifted, slowly opening up to show a hint of sadness, regret, even. Not regret for what we had done, but maybe some form of self-resentment for what he was about to do.
I knew it already, yet I felt like I had to mentally brace myself for the blow.
Itachi leaned over, one hand supporting his weight on the floor next to my shoulder, the other one bringing my palm to his lips as he placed a lingering kiss right at the center before pressing it to his cheek. Watching this, I almost regretted having asked for it because my heart clenched painfully inside my chest and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it in a mature way.
"What do you want from me, Sasuke?" he whispered, closing his eyes and nuzzling his cheek in my hand. "I can't possibly ask you to be my lover, neither can I suggest that we have an affair, it's not going to take us anywhere. We're not mature enough to handle something like this."
" We ?" I repeated, surprised by his choice of words.
Itachi reopened his eyes and looked at me. "You're very young, and when I'm with you like this, I realize I'm young, too," he whispered, kissing my fingers one by one, his gaze piercing through me. "I hunger for you and because of that, I have no control of my body or my emotions. I don't know what to do so my first instinct is to fight myself and protect you. As your older brother, that's the only thing I can trust about all of this."
I bit down on my lower lip, feeling my eyes sting as the seductive feel of his breath on my fingers made every cell in my body scream. His eyes were gentle on me, sincere even, yet I knew he was still hiding things, acting tough.
I already knew his body language well - he always touched me whenever he needed to be harsh or when he needed to soothe himself after hurting me, it made it easier for him to bear, to keep his face, and all of it, I had expected.
Even so, I pressed on, fingers stretching out to brush over his jaw. "Just say it," I muttered, afraid that my voice would crack.
Itachi stilled, lowering our linked hands but not letting go. His eyes were beautiful, exploring mine with the kind of intelligence I could only try to grasp, attempting to read my thoughts, my heart, my intentions. I could sense his mind working quickly, in his gaze a flicker of conflicting emotions as he contemplated how to go about this the best way.
"I love you," was all he said, his voice firm, secure. "You know how I feel and what I think. We talked about this enough already. There is nothing else you need to hear from me."
"No, I suppose there isn't," I replied, snappishly, frowning up at him and feeling hurt despite everything. I snatched my hand away from his grasp. "I know you want me to go home, make-up with Naruto and go back to my normal life as if none of this existed. You want us to go back to being brothers and see what happened between us as just a bump in the road, all the while pretending that we're fine and that we don't think about it at all. All because you think I'm too young to understand this and take it seriously. Or maybe you're just too scared of yourself, of that unnatural obsession you have over me that completely contradicts all the bullshit you say you want for me."
Itachi didn't say anything as I pushed him slightly away from me so I could move to a sitting position, but while he raised his hips so his weight wasn't completely on my legs, he remained where he was.
I could feel his heart beating wildly under my hand, a striking contrast to his scrutinizing, almost calm expression. He didn't try to touch me, nor did he try to conceal the painful beating of his heart, as if he wanted me to see it, to understand exactly what he was feeling. It offered me a sadistic sort of pleasure that I of all people was able to do this to him, to cause this kind of disarray in his perfect countenance. This wasn't easy for him, I could tell, yet I couldn't really have the heart to feel sorry for him when it was his own fault.
With defiance, I stared straight into his eyes. As expected, he didn't look away.
I was angry at him - had been for a while, as he'd been with me - but I also wanted him to see him, and to understand that I saw him, too.
"You're delusional in thinking I can't see through you," I snarled, under my breath. "You have all these moralistic ideas about my freedom and how you think my life should be, but that's just an excuse for you to feel good about yourself when in reality you just want to take me away and disappear forever. You're constantly upset because that goes against what you say you want for me. You hate feeling selfish when it comes to us, but that's something real and you should fucking deal with it."
"Regardless of what I want from you or what I wish I could have, my feelings for you lead me to think about what's best for you before anything else," Itachi said, without missing a beat. "You don't understand…"
"Stop saying I don't understand when I fucking know you , Itachi," I cut, hands fisting his tank top. I allowed my eyes to quickly scan his face, internally pleased by the display of feral emotions there that he was fighting hard to contain. "I know the depth of that hunger you talk about. I know you want to undo me completely and fuck me so hard I'd probably cry."
Every muscle in his body tensed as his lips parted so he could draw a sharp intake of breath. His eyes widened slightly at me, as if dismayed that I would so bluntly throw this to his face, but I needed to tell him, I needed him to know that he would never be able to hide from me.
"I know you have fantasies about me doing the same to you," I proceeded, and I know I sounded both furious and provocative, but I knew this was how it had to be done. "I can only guess what other hidden fucked up stuff goes through your mind. I see it all and I don't care . You're panicking because you want me to be the one to accept all of you, even if you'd rather you didn't. You don't scare me. I don't understand why you're so scared of yourself and what you are when it comes to us."
"I'm not scared of myself," Itachi hissed at once, his voice dropping a few dangerous octaves but so horrifyingly controlled I almost gulped. I knew this wasn't a good sign - his pride had been wounded.
He grabbed my wrists in his hands, leaning in until our faces were mere inches apart and I could feel his warm breath on me. "I'm scared of what the things I might indulge in for both of us might do. I'm scared of taking you someplace you can't return from. I'm scared that eventually you'll come to hate me for all the things I took from you, even if you say you won't. You have no way of knowing that, so I'd rather not have any of it than not having you."
I could only snort in disbelief. "You're a fucking idiot," I snapped, and this time, my voice did shake despite myself. "Where does this fucking altruistic shit come from? How do you even have the strength to push me away, after everything, after all these years…"
"I am what I need to be for you ," was all he said, putting emphasis in every word he uttered. He paused, his expression carefully composed to his whims, but I could tell from his words and tense body language that he was becoming increasingly affected, his mask disintegrating with each passing second and I couldn't tell if he was becoming angry or just finally feeling helpless. "Don't do this to me, Sasuke. You know it can't be the way you want to, not now. You don't know what you're getting yourself into, and I refuse to throw you down that pit. We've done enough already."
My eyes searched Itachi's unblinkingly. All I could do for a few seconds was stare at him, my mind going blank, my breath hitching.
"It's only because I love you that I wish a time will come when I will prove all your assumptions wrong," I hissed in a whisper, leaning in viciously. "But another part of me wishes that everything you've been plotting so far to push me away from you will come biting you in the ass."
Itachi seemed emotionless, but he had paled, just as devastated as I was. "It probably will."
I took a sharp intake of breath through my nose, and I don't know if I felt angry beyond myself or just disappointed - at what, I didn't know.
Itachi then released my wrists, unhesitantly wrapping his arms around my neck and holding me so tightly it was as if he feared I might run from him. His silent plea was so loud to my heart I felt every ounce of anger and resentment leaving me as if a gentle breeze had blown it all away.
I could only blink at the ceiling, feeling suddenly very drained. I didn't even dare to touch him.
There was something about the way he held me that caused this. His body against mine, the perfumed strands of his dark hair against my cheeks, his warmth - for some reason all of it soothed me.
Then, I wondered what the fuck was wrong with me - I knew he would say this, I knew he would reject me and put an end to this, telling me we couldn't go through with it.
This was both our faults, but I had pushed him over the edge every time and he had indulged me because he was helpless, even if it angered him.
Was I stupid? I had thought of all the possible outcomes of this conversation and most of them led to this, yet it still hurt, maybe because a part of me had frivolously hoped that it would be different, even if I was smarter than that.
I never thought that I was that kind of hopeless romantic who believed that such a powerful, consuming love could overcome all the obstacles standing in our way.
But my brother was strong and stubborn. If he had decided that this was the best for me in his mind, he would probably die before letting anyone convince him otherwise - even me. He would always ruin himself, put me first, neglect his needs, his desires, his feelings, his happiness if it meant I could be in that unblemished place he idealized for me.
Even though I knew this already, the reality of it hit me violently, for a moment paralysing me with fear as he held me tightly in his embrace.
That's how strong his feelings for me were. Was I no match for him after all? Was I just being selfish, not thinking about him, when all he did was think about me?
But I wasn't just another person, and this wasn't just a fling. We had gotten this far because I had been able to break him, sneak under his skin, so I had to trust that I could do it again.
No matter what he deluded himself with, this was what Itachi truly wanted - for me to find out for myself if our relationship was possible and do something about it to prove it.
Yet, I knew I was powerless at that moment. What he wanted from me wasn't achievable with words, or tantrums, not even tears. It wasn't about 'what ifs' either, and it wasn't even about Naruto. This wasn't just about me dropping everything to be with him without thinking of the consequences.
This wasn't something Itachi consciously aimed for. At the end of the day, he had planned the game to suit his potential interests. All of it he had created just to see how it would unfold, and I had no choice but to play.
Even if it hurt him and me, he wanted to see what would happen.
There was so much more to it that I had to work with, and it had only just begun.
It was fucking terrifying, all of it, and because of it I had allowed my emotions to get the best out of me.
Itachi was so fucking intimidating I didn't even know why I wasn't recoiling already. His love, his hopes, his purposes - everything felt like too much of a high mountain to climb, and if I failed, I would not be easily forgiven.
This wasn't something meant to make me scared of him - he would never be able to do that - but it was meant to push me over the edge and see how I'd survive.
Still.
As intimidating as it was, my very soul was in awe of him.
Did he do it on purpose? Did he know how defiant I would become just to spite him? What was he thinking, putting us through this?
Did it thrill him, somehow, to hurt us and see what would come out of it?
I couldn't even be angry at him anymore. For sure, because he knew I understood this, he was aware.
He knew I wouldn't put up a fight for much longer. I simply couldn't.
My arms regained their strength as I moved them to hug Itachi back. His heart was hammering inside his chest, his lips pressed to my temple, and I felt such a devastating surge of love for him I was breathless for a moment.
"If soulmates exist, Sasuke, I know you are mine," he whispered, his mouth buried in the hairs at the top of my head. "Everything you said is true, but that's why we can't go any further. I'm your brother. It isn't our time. Please, don't be like this. Don't say things out of spite just to wound me."
"Liar," I whispered, nose buried in the crook of his neck as I pulled him to me more, my hands fisting his tank top. "You're such a fucking hypocrite, Itachi. I can't fucking stand you..."
"Shh, I know, my love," he whispered back softly, even if his voice finally shook. "It's okay."
It wasn't okay, and maybe it never would be. There was no way of externalizing these feelings and nothing either of us could say anymore that wouldn't just be meaningless crap that neither of us meant.
I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, and how much of a bastard he was, yet I couldn't say anything anymore. Nothing could verbalize how I felt.
Still, for the first time since our first kiss, we held each other in silence for a long time without a single trace of lust overshadowing this moment - just our feelings and our love being poured without words or irrational actions.
It was just us, shielding each other from ourselves.
I couldn't help but think it was fitting.
Everything between us had been tainted enough already.
TBC...
Ah, this chapter was hard to write. While I knew what to expect from Itachi, this final scene was tough. This is completely different from what I had in mind, but it's not up to me - they always take over and do whatever they want, I'm just a humble servant.
Thank you for reading, and please, if you like this fic, give it some love and don't forget to leave feedback because that's what motivates authors, and what helps us improve. I was really sad about the complete lack of feedback I had on the previous chapter, mainly because it was a very special one for me.
I don't know if I am to assume that I'm completely failing with how the story is progressing, or that indeed no-one is interested in reading it anymore because it's that controversial. Either way, it would be good to know what the opinion is at this point ^^
Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you for reading, and I'll see you guys soon!
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