Chapter Twenty-Two

Rose

It's time.

Time to face the truth of my past.

Time to face the pain of my present.

And time to move on and build my future.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has been my source of anger. Depression. Pain. From the day I was born she resented me. She made me believe I was not worth her or anyone else's time or energy. And I believed her for so long. So freaking long.

I spent many days and nights wondering why I wasn't enough for her. Why didn't she love me the way she loved them? How could she so easily take in two random children and treat them as if she gave them life - yet, she tossed her flesh and blood aside for a nice smile and money. I'm sure there were other factors below the belt that played a role as well, but it's not Baba's fault that he traveled so much. He did what he had to in order to provide the lavish life she wanted to live. He gave his all to her. And she left him too.

And I hate her for it.

I hate everything about her.

And I hate that I can't stop fucking crying over the fact that she is gone.

For ten years she's been dead and I had no clue. What does that say about me? What does that say about her? Shouldn't I have felt something? Shouldn't I have known somehow that something had happened to her? Shouldn't I feel some type of guilt? Feel free to jump in at any time with answers, cause I've got nothing. But Lissa does.

"Are you going to see her?" Olean asks, combing the tear-stuck strands from my cheeks.

"Why should I?"

"It might provide some closure."

I roll my eyes. "I don't need anything from her."

"If that were true, you wouldn't be sitting here right now. There are a lot of unsettled issues between you. This may be your only chance to understand or come to terms with what happened."

"What is there to understand? She left me, Mama. She didn't want me back then, I don't even know why she would leave anything for me. She should have just given it to Lissa."

"In the end, the choice is yours, but," she signs, long and heavy, "I think if you are willing to forgive Dimka after all these years, and all you've been through, you should hear out your mother."

"It's not the same. Dimitri recognized his fault - he fought to rebuild our relationship. She didn't. She didn't care. She never even tried to reach out to me."

"True. But it's not about her. It's about you. You need to forgive her. Not for her sake, dead or alive, but for your own peace of mind. Otherwise, you will forever carry that pain and anger. And that's no way to start your new life."

"I don't even know what she left."

"Then find out, Doch'."

I know she is right. She always is when it comes to stuff like this. There is just a part of me - a small nugget in the back of my mind - that refuses to accept it. I've let her control so much of my life, it's time to stop. I deserve to be happy. To live out my own happily ever after - not a Nicholas Sparks novel.

I dry my eyes, wash my face, and head downstairs to find Dimitri. Vika lays on the couch, nose in a book, and points toward the back door when I ask where her brother went. At some point, I plan on reading the book Meridith wrote - or at least look at the photos she got of us. Based on the way Vika doesn't even twitch her eyes away from the pages, turning one right after the other, it might be worth the read.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, I twist off the top and take a long drink, walking out the back door at the same time. Thankfully, I swallowed the large gulp before seeing a familiar head of chestnut hair and piercing emerald eyes.

He opens his arms and I waste no time jumping into his embrace, wrapping my legs around his thin waist. I'd never say the words - especially where Dimitri can hear them - but I love the comfort of Adrian's arms wrapped around me. For the longest time, he was the closest thing I had to a life partner. He was the one by my side through the long nights and dark days. Don't get me wrong - I love Dimitri beyond all reasoning. No matter the lingering pain - that is slowly fading day by day - of our past. No matter the long road ahead I know we have. I love him. Always have. Always will. That will never change.

But Adrian...

Being held by him when I feel so broken, feeling his heartbeat ticking in time with mine, his warmth, his protection - it's something I've clung to for many, many years. And there is a selfish part of me that doesn't want to let him go. I know he feels more for me than I do. After all these years together, his feelings have grown deeper than mine. I shouldn't condone it. I should have put barriers into place - hell, I should have done that eleven years ago. I should have never let it get this far.

Should have, would have, and could have can't help me now.

"Where have you been?"

"Away," the corner of his mouth lifts slightly. "I just needed to breathe for a bit."

"Are you mad at me?"

His honesty hits me square in the chest. "Yes." I open my mouth to ask why, but he holds up one finger. "I was. Still am," he shifts his finger, holding it just above his thumb to show a sliver of space. "Little bit. I just don't want to see you get hurt again, Little. I love you and Xander so damn much." He drags a hand through his hair, a deep sigh sliding past his lips. "I can't stand the thought of seeing you go through it again."

"I won't, Adrian." He shakes his head, not believing my words. I take his hands in mine, looking deep into his pain-stricken emerald eyes. "Things are different now. We're older - wiser this time around." He's not buying it. But I don't know how else to reassure him. "What do you want me to say?"

He doesn't answer right away and it makes me nervous. When we first decided that he would come with us to Texas, I was scared. I didn't want him to think I was asking as more than a friend. I didn't want him to assume things would be the same. No matter how much we want nothing to change between us, we'd be fooling ourselves. Everything changes. And there is nothing we can do to stop it. He said he knew, he understood. But I can't help but think he's changed his mind.

Please, don't make me choose.

"That you're happy. Truly happy."

"I am. One-hundred percent."

He opens his arms, a crooked smile pulling at his lips, "That's all I need." I step into his embrace, he kisses my head, "It's all I ever wanted for you, Little."

"And what about you? When are you going to learn to be happy?"

"I think I have to do a bit more soul searching, to fall in love with me again."

God, Sydney really did a number on him. But, she wasn't wrong. Adrian drifted off into a sea of darkness after Xander was born. Spending all of his time focused on a girl who would never reciprocate his feelings and his cousin's son - he lost himself. He stopped painting, writing poetry, and forgot he had a girlfriend. I don't blame her for calling it quits. No girl wants to sit on the back burner of her man's life while he raises someone else's kid. But it fucked Adrian up. She was all he had. His father disowned him. His cousin - who was more of a brother - up and left him. And in the aftermath of that, he lost the woman he loved more than me.

After barely 2 weeks, he started smoking. Another few weeks later, alcohol became his best friend. I thought he was going headfirst into the deep end and begged Sydney to talk to him, just talk. And she did.

Until you stop relying on others for your own happiness, you will be miserable. You're so focused on her that you let yourself go. You're letting other people's actions and choices dictate your life. Just look at yourself, Adrian. You've changed everything that makes you - you. You're not the man I fell in love with anymore. And to be honest, I don't like the man you're turning into at all. But it's not my job to change you. You have to want that. I hope someday you do. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday I hope you learn to love yourself the way I love you.

I heard the whole conversation, sitting at the top of the stairs at Olena's. She didn't know I was there. She didn't know I would hear the anger in her voice as she talked about me. I don't blame her. But it still stung to hear her thoughts about why he changed so much. I know it's my fault. His falling for me is my fault. Giving up art school and his chance to be happy with her. It's all my fault.

"I don't blame you, you know?"

"For?"

"Sydney leaving." He pulls back, taking my hand and he guides us over to the Adirondack chairs by the fire pit. "I did for a while, in the back of my mind I blamed you. Well, and him," he tilts his head toward Dimitri, who's tossing a ball back and forth with Xander. "I didn't...couldn't take the blame on myself back then. It was easier to say it was because of someone else that she walked away than to admit I failed her. Failed me."

"But it is-" he cuts me off.

"No. It was me. I wanted - for once - to be needed by someone. She didn't need me. She wanted me. Which in truth is so much better than needing, but I wanted to be needed. After growing up in Nathan's house…" he pulls in a deep breath, "Dealing with the things I did. I wanted someone who gave me a purpose. Someone who needed me to take care of them."

"I'll always need you, Adrian. You're my best friend."

"I know, but now you have him again. Soon enough you won't need me anymore and that's why I left. I needed time and space to think about how good this is for you and Xander, not how shitty it makes me feel. It's not about me. It's about you."

"I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, Little. It's as much my fault as anyone. I fell for a girl I knew could never love me the way I love her."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. These last few days I had a lot of time to think." He smiles, a real one - like when we were kids in high school. "I thought about what Syd said. I was basing my happiness on you. I thought keeping you happy would make me happy. It worked for a while, but now it's time I stopped. I need to do it for myself. No one else. The same way you are now."

"When the hell did we grow up and figure out life," I laugh.

"Somewhere between having our hearts shredded apart and crossing the ocean." He leans back, eyes closed. "So, what happens now?"

"Everything that happens next." I mimic his position. "Probably meeting Lissa, first. After that, I have no clue."

"Lissa? As in your step-sister?"

"Yep. Let me grab a drink and I'll fill you in on that shit-show."

He goes ahead into the pool house, and I take a moment to kiss Dimitri and Xander. Letting them both know that we are okay. Dimitri's eyes beg for information - details - but I squeeze his arm as a promise to tell him later. First, I have to rehash the story of this afternoon to Adrian, and hopefully figure out exactly where to go from here.

And if I'm lucky, with minimal crying.

Yeah.

I wasn't lucky.

But it's okay. Adrian as always wiped my tears and held my hand. This is why he is my best friend. No matter what we're going through, he is always by my side. Just like Mama, he said I need to see Lissa. I need to know - for my own peace of mind and to move on for good - I need to know what she left me. Hence my sitting in Dimitri's truck parked outside of Karp's Cafe waiting on Liss to get off of work.

The last time I saw her - before the meeting with Dimitri when I first arrived - I was twelve. She and Natalie, put Nair in my conditioner hoping to make my hair fall out. I didn't go bald - thank God - but I shed like a husky in the summertime. Janine laughed at me. They say kids can be cruel - but when it's your own mother...that's a whole nother level of fucked up. Thinking back to the last time I saw her, I want to throw the truck in drive and never look back.

It's too late for that though.

Lissa steps outside, the late fall sun hitting her platinum blonde hair. Don't be fooled, under the halo the sun creates are a set of she-devil horns. Just a month ago she was shoving her tits in Dimitri's face - no doubt having recognized who I was and wanting to piss me off. Dimitri had said she seemed earnest in wanting to meet up with me, sweet even. I don't buy it. She never liked me back then, I doubt almost two decades apart changed much.

Deep breath, Rose. I step out of the truck.

"Hey," she smiles, tucking her long hair behind her ear. "Thanks for meeting me."

"Sure." Short. Simple. Not asking for further conversation.

Petty? Maybe. At this point, I don't really care. I just want to get whatever Janine left and go home. Home. Still feels weird.

"Okay, um, well, here you go." She hands me a small cardboard box, no bigger than the cover box that goes over a ring case, my name is written in her writing. "I found it in one of Janine's drawers after they passed. Her will said to give you the box - I assume this is it."

I don't miss the way she says her name. It raises more questions than this tiny box can answer. There is, however, one main question on my mind.

"What happened?"

"She and my dad were coming home from another weekend trip to the casino a few hours away. They were both shit-faced and got into an accident. Dad died instantly, Janine passed away a few hours later at the hospital."

"Was anyone else hurt?"

"No, thank God. They were on a back road, it was deserted that late at night. If it wasn't for the fact that they ran into the gate of a house, who knows how long it could have been before they were found."

"Who was driving?"

"Her."

"I'm sorry," I say and mean it. Eric was always nice to me.

"Thanks. And I'm sorry too. For everything. I was stupid jealous of you growing up."

"Why?"

"You got to come for a few weeks and disappear back to Russia. Not only do I dream of going there one day, but you didn't have to live with them. My dad changed after my mom died, and when he met Janine," she shakes her head, a soft smile pulling at her lips. "I remember how happy he was at first. After a while though, she started rubbing off on him and they both resented their lives. They were never home when we were in high school, and spent more time getting drunk and gambling than with us. It was horrible. I begin to understand how you felt."

"Sucks doesn't it."

"Absolutely," she laughs. "I really am sorry though, Rose."

I believe her. We may have never gotten along and we might not after today, but if I am going to move on with my life - leave everything to do with my mother behind me - I have to forgive Lissa too. It's not for her - it's for me.

"Water under the bridge now. I've had my fair share of ups and downs over the last ten years. I just wanted to see what she left so I could put everything from my past behind me and start fresh."

With a wave of her hand, she silently says, 'Get on with it.'

Rosemarie,

The chotki is from your grandmother - she said to keep it in the family. I never wore it, but you probably should.

The ring is the one your father bought me. Give it back to him. Or pawn it. I don't really care either way. Probably not worth much.

-Janine

"Wow," I say out loud to myself. Good thing I didn't expect some lovey-dovey, 'I'm sorry I was such a shitty mother' crap. She didn't even sign it, 'Mom'. Nope. Just Janine. Janine. What the fuck.

"What is it?" Lissa raises a brow.

"You really never looked in here to see what it was?" She shakes her head.

Handing her the box, I lean my head back, laughing. Rich. Freaking rich. At least I still don't have any regrets about not having a better relationship with her. That's sad to say when you think about it. But it's okay. You know why? Because my happiness isn't dependent on her. Life is full of shit. Highs and lows. Good and bad. The thing about it is though, that we control how we handle life. Ten years ago, I did a crap job. Longer if you count my formative years with Janine. I let someone else rule my life. I let others' opinions, comments, and actions dictate how I view the world.

And it's bullshit.

We have the choice. We're in control of how we live our lives. We choose to either take the high road or trudge through the mud. Sometimes we need to go through the dark times in order to appreciate the bright ones. Yes - I know - the old 'my past made me stronger' outlook. But it's true. Life is not rainbows and sunshine. How do you think a rainbow comes to be? Because of the storms. You can't have one without the other. Sometimes you need to sit in that storm and bask in it. Enjoy it. Who knows, it might bring the clarity you need.

Want to know what I know?

I know that no matter what I did, I would never have been good enough for her. No matter what I accomplished in my life, she still wouldn't love me. And that's fine by me. I have a son who thinks I've put every star in the sky - even though I feel like I have failed him through his whole life. I have a man that loves me beyond measure. A family who shares no blood with me yet treats me like their own. A father who would bend time and space to make me happy. And a best friend to stand beside me through everything life throws at me. I'm pretty damn luck- no, not lucky, blessed.

Mama was right. As usual. This did provide some closure. Those chapters are over. Pages turned and though they may not be forgotten...they're gone for now.

Here's to a new chapter.

A new view on life.

My own happily ever after.