Chapter 54

After Bella's conversation with Edward we all headed out to my cabin. Rose, Emmett, Carlisle, and Esme were to stay with her - while Alice and I went back to the house to deal with Edward. I didn't know what to expect entirely, I was nervous - everyone was nervous. The energy surrounded us all - bouncing around erratically from person to person. I hoped that no matter what was to come - five vampires would be enough to protect Bella - not including myself or Edward. Because I was more than a little worried exactly who she may actually need protecting from.

Edward held the power over me to make me feel just as miserable and thirsty as he felt. The effects of his little stunt from the night before still lingered on and persisted. Even though I'd hunted to the point of nausea, feeling like I may burst - the desire for human blood was still festering inside of me like an oozing, infected, open wound. Bella's scent - decadent and inviting, had been taunting me much more than usual all morning.

On the ride over in the truck, I'd had to let her freeze in exchange for the fresh air the open window's provided. Being confined with her for those first few minutes had felt like punishment, torture even. I loved her - I wanted to be close to her, but the burn would no longer settle. I yearned for the days when the burn would settle in and Bella's scent would begin to calm and sooth me. But today - it only served to set me on fire. For the first time in over a month of being with her - I found myself imagining exactly what her blood might taste like. A sweet candy like taste filled my mouth - then left a bitterness on my tongue at the thought of killing the only person I'd ever truly loved. That terrified me, how could the thought even enter my mind? Why did the thought enter my mind? How long would it be before I was just like Edward - a monstrous shell of my former self?

I'd decided not to talk to him when everyone else had - knowing that I'd say what I needed to when I went back up to reattach his head. I loathed him. I absolutely hated him for making me feel the way I was feeling. That's why I needed Alice to be there with me when he was finally able to speak and feel again. She'd be biased in a totally different direction than I was - and I'd hoped that we'd meet somewhere in the middle and land on a logical solution.

Once we all were inside my cabin, I asked Bella to come speak with me privately in my room - though it was more for the illusion of privacy than anything else. We sat down on the bed and I'd left a careful distance between us. I could feel her disappointment, but she didn't close the gap. Instead she reached over and laid her hand over mine. The warmth that usually comforted me, felt like it was melting my skin. I stared down and it and willed myself to sit still. I couldn't even look her in the eye.

"Bella. I don't know what's coming. I wish I could make promises to you - but I can't. I love you and I'm so so sorry for putting you in this position." I told her - hoping I'd have enough air stored in my lungs to get through the conversation.

"You don't have to promise me anything. Whatever happens is meant to happen. Don't tear your family apart over me. We can run away right now - or you could change me right this minute. You don't even have to do this." There was a sadness in her eyes that radiated off of her softly.

The once welcome thought of running off and changing her now frightened me. Would I be able to do it? Would I be able to stop drinking? I wasn't so sure to begin with - and I was less sure now as I sat there holding my breath. The thought of her warm blood filling my mouth snuck in and I tried to push it away, but it lingered.

"No. Edward needs to face this. I don't want to tear you away from your family. From school, from all the experiences left on your list. You shouldn't have to give anything up to be with me." Though I knew some of those experiences were less likely now. Would I trust myself enough to give her a tattoo now? No, probably not - and sex? Out of the question. I wasn't even sure I'd trust myself to lay beside her at night anymore. It felt like everything I'd been working towards had flown out the window without warning.

"You're all I need. You'll be my family - they all will . . . even Edward." She moved closer to me then and I felt my body tense as she laid her head on my shoulder. The sound of her heart beating sounded like a ticking bomb echoing through the room. My head felt lighter and my thoughts were frantic.

"I love you Bella, but I have to do this." I managed to say with the last bit of air in my lungs as I closed my eyes shut tightly. The room was on fire now. I was sure of it. If I couldn't get through this - I didn't deserve her. I allowed a deep breath of air into my lungs and felt the burn increase tenfold. I slowly breathed in and out as she curled her arms around me while I remained statue still. It felt like fireworks were exploding inside of me, my mouth was filling with venom almost faster than I could swallow it down.

"You're uncomfortable." She said after a moment - a wave of anxiety rolled over her as she unwrapped herself from me and studied my body language.

"I am."

"Are you still . . . in control?" She asked carefully.

"Not in the way that I usually am - I'm barely holding on Bella." I admitted.

"Your eyes . . . they're black."

"Well . . . that is what happens." I snapped - shooting up off the bed. Suddenly I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed fresh air and before I realized what I was doing, I was standing alone in the front yard - taking in heaps of it like my life depended on it. Then the guilt settled in. I hadn't meant to snap at Bella and I regretted it immediately. Once the burn started to subside I went back inside and found her sitting in the living room with the rest of my family. Emmett was already looking through the games with her - he'd left his console out here last time and ordered a new one for the house.

"No games. No distractions. This is serious. I need all of you on guard." I said - shooting Emmett a stern look. I felt a flicker of embarrassment from him. "Bella - I'm sorry for how I acted a moment ago." I told her from across the room, keeping my distance - though her scent still hung heavily in the air throughout the cabin.

"It's okay - I understand. You're going through a lot right now." She said - her face turning red.

"Well it's not just that - I think you should all be aware of something. Ever since I felt Edward's thirst last night - my own control has suffered. Being around Bella has become increasingly uncomfortable and - I'm honestly worried. I feel irritable, I'm snapping at her, I just feel strange." I told the room. Everyone was quiet for a moment - but Carlisle came over to give me a visual examination.

"You seem to be exhibiting symptoms similar to Edward's. This is very unsettling news - I'm sorry to hear this son. Is there anything we can do for you?" He asked.

"I don't see what anyone could possibly do to help." I retorted with a bit of edge. Carlisle raised an eyebrow and I sent him a flicker of my remorse.

"So do you think you could still change me if it came down to it?" Bella asked me nervously.

"I don't know - that's part of the reason why I'm worried. If this continues to manifest - we could have a real problem on our hands." I admitted.

"Well - I'd be happy to step in if necessary to change Bella - as long as you'd both be comfortable with the idea." Carlisle suggested.

"I don't mind. I'd trust any of you to change me if it came down to it." Bella said with confidence. Rosalie fought a smirk as she looked at her husband.

"I wouldn't put your faith in just anyone Bella - but Carlisle does have a 100% success rate. I would be comfortable with that." I agreed.

"I will use my best judgement then - but not until you ask or unless the situation is dire." Carlisle told us.

"I appreciate that Carlisle - but all of that being said. I want all of you to protect Bella no matter who comes through that door - including me." The room was silent, but they all nodded.

"I trust you." Bella said quietly. My body relaxed slightly and I motioned for her to come to me, then we stepped just outside the front door.

"No matter what happens - you are my entire world." I told her, placing my hand on her burning hot cheek. She shivered against it's coolness and looked up into my eyes - giving me a look that could still thaw my frozen heart. I was overwhelmed with joy and relief to feel the buzz of our special energy begin to swirl between us, despite my overwhelming thirst. I'd been worried that it would be gone - just like she'd felt in her dream. A wave of relief washed over her as well and I saw her eyes fill with tears. I touched my lips to hers and fought past the fire - trying to immerse myself in the bliss without much success. I couldn't quite give the kiss the intensity that I wanted to - it was careful and reserved. Bella seemed to understand and she pulled back before I did. There was a warm encouraging smile on her lips.

"You'd better go huh?" She asked with a sniffle as I wiped the tears from her face. They felt like boiling water on my skin. A second later, Alice had joined us - ready to follow me back to the main house.

"Head back inside - and if you hear anything at all - hide in the bathroom. Things might get hectic. Whatever you do - stay with one of my family members at all times." I told her as she hugged Alice.

"Got it. Be safe Jasper. I love you." She unwrapped herself from Alice and crossed her arms, trying to warm herself.

"I love you too Bella." I told her - burning the image of her in that very moment into my mind - as if to remind myself what I was fighting for. Then as Bella stepped back into the cabin, Alice and I took off in silence towards the main house. We both came to a stop and hesitated before stepping inside.

"Well - we're both carrying her scent. Should we change? I don't want this to be more difficult than it needs to be." I asked Alice - fighting my nerves.

"No - I don't think it will matter one way or another. Her scent is all over the house too. If he can't handle it, then he can't handle it." She said with a heavy sigh.

"I'm just a bit worried - that it will trigger me too. Even if I'm not focused in on absorbing his feelings . . . I'll still have to feel them - it just won't be as potent. I don't know how to describe it, but don't you ever hear a little voice in your head? One that just isn't satisfied by our diet?"

"Yeah - I suppose I know what you mean. It doesn't bother me often - but I think it's what Edward's been fighting against this whole time. His inner voice, it's like his dark side."

"Well I fight against the son of a bitch daily. Every single day I have to fight the predator within me - tell him no. Ignore his thoughts. Bella has always seemed to make it easier to ignore - but he's gotten louder - ever since last night. And now the predator doesn't seem to care that I love Bella - it just wants blood. I've been looking at her differently all morning - with thirst." I said with shame.

"Maybe Edward hasn't had to battle this as often - he's always had Carlisle and he's always been on this diet - except for those few years. Almost your entire first century of this life was spent feeding on humans - so of course this would effect you differently. You cannot let this feeling take you over like it has Edward. There's a big difference here - you love Bella. You can do this."

"And Edward?"

"I'm not sure."

"Well I guess it's time we find out."

We stepped into the main house and it felt eerie and quiet, different somehow. As Alice and I made our way upstairs to her and Edward's room - I thought of that image of Bella I'd burned into my mind. I will not hurt her. I will not hurt her. I will not hurt her. Edward's head was still laying on the bed staring blankly ahead when we stepped inside.

"Alice - will you give me a moment to say my piece while you go gather the rest of him?"

"Of course." She said - fluttering out of the room. I stared at the severed head and with disgust for a moment before speaking.

"Well - I will say that I'm sorry it came to this. I wasn't sorry at first - and I may not feel sorry here in a moment. I am going to put your head back onto your torso. You won't get your arms and legs back unless I'm convinced you won't be a threat. Bella's scent is everywhere - in the room, on me, on your wife. I didn't want to have to do this - but you've given me no choice. I don't know why you hate me so much - but guess what? I hate you too. I can't even be around Bella without thinking of sucking her dry. You're ruining my life - I've never done anything to you. Have you been jealous all along because Alice brought me here? You've certainly always thought you were better than me. But we're family - it's not a competition. Why can't you see that?" By the time I finished speaking, I was yelling - screaming at his decapitated head like a lunatic.

"Jasper. That's not true. Edward doesn't hate you and he's not jealous of our bond. You need to get your head right before we do this." Alice said from the doorway - holding Edward's torso. She came to stand beside me and laid it on the bed next to his head. I took a deep breath and tried to get myself under control.

"Alice - use your venom. Did you grab the other piece of his neck?" I asked.

"Yes I have it here." She said.

Then I watched as she closed her eyes and I felt her thirst - I wondered what it was she was thinking of. As her mouth began to fill with venom she spit it out onto the area where I'd snapped his head off from his neck. Then she held the torso upright while I sat the head on top carefully - trying to get it on exactly right. Then she took the missing hunk of his neck, covered it with venom and fit it into the missing gap like a puzzle piece.

Within seconds we heard the slimy sound of all the pieces fusing back together. Just a moment later Edward took in a large breath of air as his eyes began to blink frantically. I suddenly felt a massive wave of pain and thirst roll off of him - I let it bounce off of me rather than absorbing it - but the thirst still triggered me. A hoarse scream left his throat as I fought to remain still. Bella's scent surrounded us all, it was almost all I could think about. I won't hurt her. I won't hurt her. I won't hurt her.

"Jesus Christ! Just take me back apart. I can't stand this. Everything is on fire!" He bellowed. I knew the pain he spoke of. Being put back together was just as painful if not more painful than being ripped apart in the first place, though I'd never had my head detached. I seen it happen many times however. Then there was the burn of the thirst - coming through loud and clear like a siren.

"Be careful what you ask for - I'm sure Jasper would be happy to oblige." Alice told him with a dark chuckle - laying a hand on his cheek to comfort him. The moment Alice had got close to him - I felt the increase of his thirst. A loud roar echoed through the room - it had been mine. I grabbed onto the nearest bedpost and splintered the wood immediately with one squeeze.

"I shouldn't be put back together. Just leave me in a pieces." Edward groaned with a pained grimace.

"You don't mean that! You can't leave me. You can't think clearly through the pain - Jasper, we have to do something." Alice shrieked.

"The pain will ease a bit - the venom is still healing him." I told her - knowing that it wouldn't go away completely until he was whole again, but I could hardly focus past the thirst.

"He'll still be in pain until he's put back together, how are we supposed to know how he's really feeling?" She asked with frustration.

"No - I don't trust myself. You have to change Bella first - it's the only solution." Edward yelled at her. The thought of Bella's warm thick blood coating my tongue teased me as her scent wafted off of my clothes and danced all around me. Alice fell to her knees on the floor in front of her husband - lost in a sea of visions that were flooding her now that Edward factored into them again. Then she gasped and jumped backwards all of the sudden looking at me in terror.

"Jasper - You'll kill her." She said in shock. The words angered me. I wouldn't let myself. No matter how bad this got - I would fight through it. If it came down to changing her - I'd let Carlisle do it. Bella's scent was only effecting me because I was craving human blood, and hers was the only human scent there. I could push past the craving.

"I won't." I snapped. "She shouldn't even have to change - do you know how much attention this is going to draw now? Her going missing?"

"He's right - this is all my fault. Jasper - I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've put you through. I am jealous - not because Alice brought you with her, but because of the shift in balance these past few weeks. I've been terrible to you - simply because I'm not used to not being in control. I'm used to you not being in control - yet you're dating a human and here I am sitting broken because I've regressed. This was all because of my foolish ego and I don't deserve your forgiveness. Leave me - go be with Bella and tell her that I'm sorry too." I stared at Edward in shock - obviously he'd had a change of heart while separated.

"If you don't let Carlisle change her soon you'll risk losing her forever - at your own doing." Alice warned seriously.

"Oh because you can see all of the sudden? What about her father? The tribe? Do you really want to break the treaty? We'll never be able to come back here."

"Jasper - her life depends on it. Edward isn't the only danger right now. Look - Bella's blood is Edward's weakness, but as long as you can feel that weakness you'll be just as much of a threat. Not just to Bella but to any human."

"Then I should just go feed like a normal vampire and get it out of my system." I now understood exactly how Edward had felt when he took that man's life in Seattle. I needed the predator to quiet down - and I'd do anything if it meant keeping Bella out of danger, especially from me. Then suddenly Alice was lost in another vision as Edward continued to groan on in pain.

Then all three of our attention became focused on a sound coming from outside and nearing the house. Someone was approaching quickly on foot. Alice's eyes were glossy with venom as she looked at me with fear in her eyes. I felt Emmett's emotion's nearing - he was thirsty, afraid, and worried.

"Jasper - please for the love of God run out the back door and don't look back until you've hunted." She begged.

I didn't know I was reacting. Suddenly I was running down the stairs - just in time to see Emmett coming in the front door. He quickly grabbed Carlisle's medical bag and disappeared again. Immediately realizing this meant that Bella must have been injured - I couldn't stop myself from running after him.

"Emmett! Emmett wait! What happened to her?" I shouted - running towards the cabin. I felt Alice on my heels and heard her shouting my name, but for a moment my worry took over the thirst and I forgot just how far past the point of needing to hunt I was. I was only reminded as I neared the cabin and took in the scent of Bella's blood.