Chapter Five: Panic
The first few minutes of the ride were strangely silent. His car, she noticed, had the same smell that she smelled every time he got near her. She turned slightly in her seat, looking in the back seat, almost believing that she would find an open crate of whatever soap he used. But the seat was empty.
Before he pulled back onto the road, Derek rolled down the windows and then as an afterthought after a quick glance toward her, he reached out and turned the heat up as well as the seat warmers.
At least he was considerate.
Neither of them said a word for the first five miles. And then, when the silence became too much, she clapped her hands together awkwardly, "So where were you?" she asked him, trying to start a conversation. She realized after a moment that it was probably rude and intrusive to just ask him that, they weren't friends after all.
They weren't even acquaintances.
They'd had a single conversation and a very strange high five. He didn't owe her any explanation.
But she had committed at this point. There was no going back. "I was on my way back from San Francisco," she told him without realizing that he probably didn't want to hear about the story that he had asked her to drop. "I had an appointment with a lab tech for my article. I thought I'd take the scenic route home."
Her brows furrowed, "I haven't seen any other cars on this road for the last thirty minutes," she told him, still rambling. "I'm lucky you came along." She turned her narrowed gaze on him, "Were you following me?" She smiled and it came out sounding like a joke, but there was a tinge of seriousness in it.
His fist clenched around the steering wheel, "No."
Darcy watched him, waiting to see if he would say anything else.
He didn't.
"Well," she sighed. "Like I said, lucky you came along. Thanks for the ride."
He nodded. "So you're still working on the article?" he asked her, the muscles in his jaw jumped.
Darcy nodded, "Yeah," she told him. "Though I'm beginning to think I should drop it."
"Why?" he asked, sounding surprised.
Darcy shrugged, "Something's just weird," she told him honestly. "I don't know. Fish and Wildlife is telling me that there's no way it could be a wolf. But the lab tech says that it was absolutely a wolf. And then you told me to drop it. And Stiles and Scott …"
Derek's eyebrows lifted, but he didn't say anything.
Darcy continued, "And that thing Stiles said about the full moon," she laughed and shook her head. "Though that seems silly now. My mind just jumps to paranoid conclusions in the dark, it always has. I spend a night telling stupid ghost stories and then for a week I think I see things out of the corner of my eye in every dark room. You know? But I swear, for a moment while driving down the road I saw -"
"What thing about the full moon?" Derek asked, interrupting her.
"Huh?" she asked, turning to look at him with raised eyebrows. "The full moon? Oh! Yeah! Stiles was just being weird yesterday and he told me that I needed to stay away from the woods, and away from you. Especially during the full moon?"
"What did you think you saw while driving?" he asked. He actually slowed down the car, turning for a moment to look her full on before he turned to face forward again.
"You're going to laugh," Darcy told him, shaking her head at her own stupidity. She shouldn't have said anything. He was going to think she was the silliest person in the world. "But for a couple miles every time I looked out my window, I thought I saw a pair of red eyes in the trees, following me."
"Red eyes?" Derek asked, his voice deadpanned.
His knuckles white from how hard he held onto the steering wheel.
Darcy nodded, "Glowing red eyes." She shook her head, turning away from him. "It was probably just some strange reflection in my window," she told him honestly. "Hey!" she reached out, gently slapping his shoulder with the back of her hand, "Maybe it was the reflection of my battery warning light."
"Maybe," he agreed, though he didn't look like he believed that for a second.
There were glowing lights up ahead. A gas station. Out in the middle of nowhere like this the lights appeared way before they got close to the gas station. If Darcy had to guess they were still a few miles away. But even the hint of civilization was a welcome change.
Even though she wasn't alone, she didn't like the idea of being in the middle of nowhere in the dark.
Derek nodded toward the lights, "I've got to get some gas," he told her. "Is that alright?"
"Yeah," Darcy told him with a nod. "In fact," she bent, pulling her wallet out of her purse so she could pull out her credit card, "Let me get it for you."
"No," Derek told her, his jaw clenched.
"Yes," Darcy argued.
"No," he tried again. "I was headed into town. With or without you hitching a ride back with me I still would have needed to get some gas. You don't have to buy it for me."
"But without you I would be stuck on the side of the road for the next hour waiting for my brother to come get me," she pointed out. "And I already owe him a week's worth of gas money, this little rescue mission would have cost me another week. You are saving my bank account, man, let me say thank you."
His lips twitched, "Alright," he told her with a nod. "You can say thank you."
Darcy smiled, "Thank you," she started.
"But you're not buying my gas," he cut in with an almost teasing smirk.
"We'll see about that," Darcy whispered, shifting slightly in her seat. She held her credit card in one hand, the other hand moved toward the door handle, ready to throw her door open the moment the car came to a stop so she could beat him to the gas dispenser.
As luck would have it, his gas tank was on her side of the car. The moment the car was in park she unbuckled and threw herself out of the car, rushing to the machine so that she could insert her credit card. She laughed, an almost wicked cackle when she looked over her shoulder to see him frowning at her over the roof of the car.
"What kind of gas do you need?" she asked him, turning back to the machine. "I'm guessing premium?"
He shook his head, "Regular 87," he told her with a sigh as he moved around the car to stand beside her.
Darcy nodded, silently letting him know that she had heard him as she reached for the button and shoved her credit card into her pocket at the same time. Then, she leaned back against the car, her arms crossed over her chest as she turned to watch Derek start filling up the car. "Thank you," she told him softly as she watched him. "Seriously."
He shrugged, a quick jerk of his shoulders as he moved away from her, putting some distance between them. "I'm getting a free tank of gas out of this," he told her. "I should be the one thanking you." His gaze shifted, glancing down the road before he turned and looked in the opposite direction.
His jaw clenched.
"What?" Darcy asked, turning to look in both directions too. "What's going on?"
"Get in the car," he told her, leaning over to open the passenger door and gesturing for her to get inside.
"Why?" Darcy asked, not moving an inch.
"Just get in the car," he told her, his voice hard and urgent. He wasn't used to people not listening to him. He glanced at her, seeming to realize she was not going to listen to his orders, and sighed, "Please Darcy?"
She hadn't realized that he knew her name.
"Fine," she told him as she climbed into the passenger seat. "But -"
She never got to finish her sentence. The moment both of her legs were in the car he slammed the door shut behind her.
It was dark in the car. And quiet. Because it had been dark when he pulled up behind her Darcy hadn't realized that all the windows were tinted. A dark, heavy tint that she could see through, but she was willing to bet an entire paycheck that Derek couldn't see her. The men in the two SUVs the pulled into the gas station parking lot wouldn't be able to see her either.
They had come from two different directions. Darcy's brows furrowed as she realized that before he had ordered her to get in the car he had looked both north and south on the road, as if he could sense they were coming.
But that was impossible.
The red SUV parked in front of his car, the silver one parked behind the car. Blocking them in. She turned glancing over her shoulder and squinting through the window to watch Derek. His shoulders tensed as he stood a little straighter. His green eyes moved toward the car for an instant before they snapped back to the red SUV.
The drivers' side door opened and a man with sandy brown hair and cold blue eyes stepped out. He smirked, glancing around the empty gas station before he moved closer to the car.
Darcy shifted in her seat, her hand reaching for the door handle. And maybe she had been wrong about the windows and her paycheck because Derek moved, as if he had seen her shift in the seat. He moved so that he was leaning, almost casually against the passenger door, his hip pressing hard enough against the door that she wouldn't be able to open it even if she threw her entire body weight into it.
What was happening?
The man from the red SUV moved closer to the car. He spoke, though Darcy could only hear a muffled sound from inside the car. She could hear his voice, but she couldn't make out any words. There was something off about him though, something that felt dangerous as he moved closer to the car, using his thumb to buff something off the hood.
Darcy couldn't take her eyes off of him as she watched him move, still talking. Always talking. He grabbed the squeegee from beside the fuel dispenser and began to clean the windshield. Darcy sat, frozen in her seat, holding her breath and watching with wide eyes. He was so close that she could see the stubble growing on his chin. As continued to talk to Derek he kept his eyes on the windshield he was cleaning, as if this was some friendly chat and not at all a shake down.
But he couldn't see her.
After nearly two minutes he started to walk away.
Darcy let out a slow, shaky breath only to inhale sharply when she heard Derek speak for the first time since the man had approached the car. She didn't know what he said, but she recognized the tone. It was one Stiles used almost daily.
He was being a smart ass.
The man paused for a moment, his back still turned toward them. And then he turned, the next time he spoke it wasn't to Derek though, but instead to one of the men who had gotten out of the silver SUV. An equally sarcastic order.
Darcy shifted, turning in her seat, her eyes widening when she saw the man approaching the car. She had been too busy watching the first man that she hadn't noticed the guns. Hadn't noticed them until it was too late and a man was approaching the car with one. He stood in front of the driver's door for a moment before he pulled the gun back and slammed it into the window.
The glass shattered and Darcy screamed.
Both men - the one with the gun and the one who was clearly the leader, turned toward the car, surprised when they heard her.
Derek moved quickly, stepping back from the passenger door and opening it with an almost inhuman speed. His jaw was clenched, his eyes narrowed into a glare, but despite that and despite his speed, when his hand wrapped around her upper arm it was gentle. He pulled her out of the car and spun her slightly so that she was behind him, pinned between his back and the fuel dispenser. His arm was flung slightly out to the side, a silent warning.
She didn't know if the warning was for her or the men.
Was he telling her to stay still? Or them to stay back?
The man's blue eyes shifted toward Darcy before they lifted to Derek's face, "I didn't know you had company," he told him, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips. His gaze turned back to Darcy, but his next words were still for Derek, "Make sure you take care of her too," he warned him, a continuation of the conversation that Darcy hadn't been able to hear from inside the car. "You have a habit of losing the things that are important to you."
Derek's fist clenched.
Darcy glanced down at it. She didn't know why, but when she moved, it was like she was being pulled toward him. Her hand shook as she reached out, her hand slipping over his, holding his fist until the fingers unclenched and she was able to slide her fingers between his.
He took a deep, shuddering breath and she watched, wide eyed as his shoulders began to relax away from his ears.
She wasn't the only one who noticed. The man's cool blue eyes were locked on their interlaced hands. She thought she saw his smirk widen as his gaze shifted to Derek's face and he shook his head. One quick jerk to each side. Then his gaze moved over them toward the two men from the silver SUV.
With a silent nod all three of them moved. Silently climbing back into their vehicles and driving away. As quickly as they had come they were gone and Derek and Darcy were the only ones left at the gas station again.
It was only after she could no longer see their taillights that Darcy became aware of her body. Her hand was shaking violently, she was no longer holding onto Derek's hand, he was holding onto her. Her chest rose and fell as she tried to breathe - rapid, shallow, ragged breaths. There was a weight in her lungs, as if they had suddenly filled with water and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get a deep enough breath. Her chest burned every time it expanded. The more it expanded the more it hurt. She gasped, something cracked around that inhale as if she had broken something.
She knew what was happening. She was having a panic attack. She was used to them, had had them for years after she had found out that her father wasn't actually her father. Had watched her little brother have them for months after their mother died. Darcy, older and jaded, had been able to distance herself from their mother's death. She'd been able to use her anger at a lifetime of lies as a barrier against the fear and pain. But Stiles, her sweet baby brother, had not. He had thought that the sun rose and set with their mother. Instead of distancing himself he had been there every day, holding her hand even up to her last breath.
Of course that had left him broken when she left them.
Knowing she was having a panic attack and being able to do a damn thing to stop it were two different things. But, as the therapist her father had made both of them see had said, it was the first step.
Derek shifted in front of her, letting go of her hand. She gasped again, sharp and cracked like the broken glass from his car. His hand had been her tether, the thing tying her to reality, without it she had no way of finding her way back.
He moved quickly, just like he had when he pulled her from the car. Turning so that he was facing her. He took a deep breath through his mouth before it snapped shut, like he was preparing for some long, underwater swim. And then his hands moved, one found her hand again and lifted it to his chest, pressing her own shaking hand flat against his chest, just above his heart. He left his hand pressed against the back of her hand, holding it there so she couldn't move it. His other hand lifted to her cheek, his thumb brushing over her cheekbone.
His voice was gentle when he spoke. Surprising.
"Take a deep breath," he ordered her, his green eyes locked on her face. "Come on, Darcy, breathe with me. Inhale." His chest rose under her hand, though she had the distinct feeling that he hadn't actually taken a breath. "Exale." His chest deflated.
He nodded, rewarding her for following his orders and breathing with him. "Again. Inhale," he paused, chest rising. Darcy inhaled too, not as deep, but deeper than she had been breathing. "Exhale."
He waited until she had breathed out before he spoke again. "You're alright. You're safe. They're gone." Darcy shook her head, closing her eyes as tears sprung to them. She tried to withdraw her hand from his chest, but he kept a strong hold on it. "You are," he promised her again. "I won't let anything happen to you."
He sounded so certain. So sure of himself and sincere.
It didn't make sense.
"Tell me five things you can see," he ordered her, his voice still gentle.
A sharp inhale. Her voice shook as she answered, "Your eyes. Your car. Some gum on the ground -" her gaze shifted from his face for a moment, looking for two more things. "The gas dispenser. My shoes." Her gaze returned to his face and he nodded.
"Good, that's really good," he praised her, as if she was a small child. "Tell me four things you can feel."
Her breath was coming easier now, still rapid and shallow, but no longer as ragged as before. "Your heartbeat. Your breath. Your hands." She grimaced, she didn't like that everything she listed had to do with him. "A piece of glass stuck in my shoe."
His lips quirked up slightly, an almost smile. "We'll take care of that in a second," he promised her, acknowledging that he had heard her list and that each thing was valid. "Three things you can hear."
Her deepest breath yet. "Your voice. My voice." Her brows furrowed, looking for one more sound. The gas station was so quiet that she couldn't hear anything. Anything, except -
Her lips tugged up at the corners as she recognized the unfortunately familiar chorus, "The gas station attendant singing a very bad version of Tearin' Up My Heart by N'Sync."
That actually earned a chuckle from Derek. "He's been singing it on repeat since we pulled up," he told her, leaving her to wonder how he had heard it the entire time. "This is his third rendition." He paused for a moment, his thumb brushing gently over her knuckles. "Two things you can smell," he told her, his voice whisper soft.
Those answers came quickly, "Gasoline. You." A blush rose to her cheeks at the second one, but she didn't take it back.
His chest rose under her hand. Different from the first few times when he had her breathe with him. It wasn't smooth - it shook. It was his first real breath since he had reached out for her. She thought that he leaned closer, "One thing you can taste."
Her teeth scraped over her bottom lip, biting down slightly. If they hadn't been so close, if she hadn't been watching him so closely for the last five minutes, she might have missed the way his gaze dropped to her lips, the tip of his tongue darting out to lick his own lip in the exact place she had bitten hers.
"Cherry chapstick," she whispered.
He nodded, taking one final breath with her before he stepped away from her, his hands dropping to his sides. His hands clenched at his sides and then released. "Are you feeling better?" he asked, his green eyes bright as they moved over her face looking for any lingering signs of panic.
She nodded, stepping back, away from him so that she could lean against the fuel dispenser, putting some more distance between them. She had recognized what he was doing around the time he had asked her for four things she could feel - it was the 5,4,3,2,1 method. Something the therapist had tried to teach her as a teenager. When she felt like she was suffocating and she couldn't separate what was real from her panic, the therapist had suggested this method as a way for her to focus on real, tangible things. Things she could see, touch, hear, smell, and taste. By focusing on her senses she was able to distract herself enough that her lungs could return to a normal rhythm.
It had never worked as well as it did tonight.
That fact was not lost on her.
She glanced up at him, reaching up to brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Where did you learn that?" she asked him, her voice shaking a little, but more under control now than it had been. "How did you know?"
He watched her for a moment before his gaze moved away from her, "I was a teenager when my entire family died in a fire," he told her, his jaw tight and clenched. "I've felt my fair share of panic."
Darcy nodded, again feeling the need to reach out to him, the pull to touch him. But after what they had just been through, she felt it was too familiar, too comfortable. He seemed to sense her hesitation because he turned slightly to open the passenger door for her, gesturing for her to get back in the car.
"Let's get you home," he told her, his voice still soft. "Your brother's probably called your father on me by now."
Shit, Darcy thought, diving for her phone once she was in the car. Stiles.
Author's Note:
I'm going to go ahead and say it ... I LOVE this chapter.
There's a couple scenes from the first season that I already had in my head before I even started writing this story.
And the gas station panic attack scene was one of them.
I had this chapter all imagined, blocked out, and practically written before I even knew who Darcy was. And I'm incredibly in love with how it turned out.
I hope that you guys are too!
For anyone who is wondering, yes, I am aware that not all panic attacks are people hyperventilating and having trouble breathing. Attacks can present themselves in very different ways for different people. But as someone who has had a few panic attacks over the last year this is how they present for me - feeling like I'm drowning, like there's water in my lungs, like my ribs can't expand enough to pull in a full breath. A weight on my chest. So that's how I wrote it for Darcy, because you write what you know. And that's what I know.
I also know the 5,4,3,2,1 method of dealing with them. Personally, I prefer just being distracted. Both my husband and my work husband have gotten very good at pulling my focus away from the weight in my chest and getting enough of my attention focused on something else so that I can begin to breath normally. But the 5,4,3,2,1 method is also a good one. And led to a little moment for D&D.
Anyway, as I said, up top, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! If you did, take a second to type out a review in that nice little review box down there! I love reviews so ... toss a coin to your witcher and all that!
(Side note: God, I am such a nerd!)
Captnschick58: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so glad that you are enjoying the story so far and I hope that you liked this chapter as well! Don't worry, there's definitely going to be more D&D as well as hints to the Stilinski family history in future chapters.
And that's all I've got for now.
Until next time,
Chloe Jane.