Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

My take on "Insurrection".

The entire crew had come to the Ba'ku planet because Data had gone berserk. It turned out that these 600 pre-industrialized people were originally from a much more advanced civilization and thanks to the metaphasic radiation in the rings, they were youthenized to their prime and made immortal.

They were also all dicks, apparently.

Baku Leader: "You may reclaim your personnel. But please, disarm your weapons. This village is a sanctuary of life."

Picard: "All right."

Baku Leader: "And please... Leave your artificial slave outside."

Enterprise: eyes narrow "Excuse you?"

Baku Leader: "You are the guiding 'intelligence' of a soulless weapon of death. You do not belong here."

Enterprise: "Oh, is that right? Tell me: Where are the scars on the land from you using pre-industrialized techniques to mine and harvest materials? Did you heal that with the power of Gaia?"

Picard: "Enterprise..."

Enterprise: huffs, crosses her arms "Fine."

Troi: "Huh. They have incredible mental focus!"

Enterprise: "They're playing hacky sack. It's not that impressive."

Later... It turns out that the Federation is planning on working with the Sona to harvest the radiation from the rings, and because this will destroy the planet's biosphere, they're moving the Baku to a new planet. The crew... Is divided.

Picard: "We cannot allow this to happen."

Riker: "Captain, I agree that moving the Baku against their will isn't good. But we are in the middle of a war for our survival. If we lose this conflict, over 900 billion people might die. The metaphasic technology would let us win."

Picard: "Would it? Are you sure? Is it worth it to sacrifice the Federation's guiding principles?"

Worf: "Captain, we are up against an enemy that can have functional soldiers in three days. This technology would allow us to heal our officers on the field, bring them back from death. It would be the edge we need to win, to match the Jem'hadar."

Crusher: "It would benefit billions of people, Jean Luc! Geordi has regained the use of his eyes! This radiation literally restored his sight!"

Geordi: "I don't like moving the Baku, Captain, but there are billions of people like me that this radiation could help."

Picard: "At the expense of the Federation's soul?!"

Troi: "We can't just use these people!"

Wesley: "We don't even know how removing them from this environment will affect them!"

Data: "Agreed: Removing them and destroying their home is clearly unethical."

Geordi: "Whatever happened to 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?'"

Picard: "How would we be any different from the Dominion?! Or the Borg?!"

Riker: coldly "Tell me Captain: Would you tell the parents of officers we lose that we could have saved them, but you didn't want to inconvenience 600 people?"

Picard: "Inconvenience?! We're taking them away from their homes! They'll die out!"

Geordi: "We can give them treatments with the radiation when we figure it out!"

Picard: "After stealing them away and destroying their home?! No. We're stopping this. Enterprise? Prepare to engage-"

Riker: "Belay that order, Enterprise."

There is a cold, tense silence.

Picard: "... Enterprise, would you give us a moment?"

Enterprise: "Sure...?"

Enterprise locks down the room. She goes to assist Doctor Ogawa in sickbay: One of the Sona fell off a rock and got injured. The scans they take of him reveal something... Interesting. Which Enterprise thinks her senior staff should know.

Enterprise: Reappears in the conference room "Everyone! I have good... News?"

Riker had Picard in a headlock and was forcing him to punch himself.

Riker: "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"

Picard: "ARGH! RIKER! PUTAIN!"

Worf stood stoically, as Troi was ineffectually trying to punch and kick him.

Troi: "I sense... You are... Going to give up...!"

Worf: sighs "Deanna, this embarrasses both of us."

Beverly had Wesley over her lap and was spanking him.

Wesley: "OW! OW OW! MOM! MOM, THIS-OW! STOP IT! OW!"

Beverly: "Ahahaha! I should have done this years ago! THIS IS GREAT! TAKE THAT!"

Data and Geordi's argument is... The strangest.

Geordi: "Hey Data? See this?" Holds up a mug with 'Best Friends Forever' on it "Remember when we got matching mugs? To be Best Friends Forever?"

Data: "Yes?"

Geordi: smashes it "I lied!"

Data: "That is extremely hurtful, Geordi. But two can play at this game." He produces a holo photo of Geordi and Data at a cybernetics conference. He then tears it in half. "Take that."

Geordi: "Data!"

Data: "You started it."

Enterprise: "... Maybe I should come back later..."

After a big scuffle, Enterprise has called everyone involved to the conference room.

Enterprise: "Now, let's make things simple: Everyone's clearly being affected by the metaphasic radiation and are acting like teenagers. So clearly the only way to resolve things is with a neutral mediator: Namely, me."

Data: "I too am unaffected by the radiation-"

Enterprise: "Yes, but your ethnical programming is a bit suspect in this situation, Data."

Data: Holds up his duct taped holophoto of himself and Geordi "... Agreed."

Enterprise: "Okay... Let's establish the basics: The Baku want to stay in their village. That is legitimate, Greg Brady."

Baku Leader: "My name is-"

Enterprise: "I don't care. The Sona, who are actually Baku, want revenge for being banished. Which is really not legitimate."

Ruafo: "It certainly is! They banished us from the planet to die slowly!"

Enterprise: "Okay, Greg Brady, that is really not good. I mean, why couldn't you just let them set up a colony somewhere else on the planet? It's a big planet."

Greg Brady: "They would inevitably create machines of war and destroy us! That always happens!"

Enterprise: "... Said to a machine of peaceful exploration. Who is trying to help you."

Greg Brady: "Clearly it is your technology that is responsible for the conflict-!"

Enterprise: Looks at Ruafo "You know, I suddenly understand your desire for revenge. I don't agree with it but I get it."

Ruafo: "Oh please, try listening to that for two hundred years. See if you don't become a homicidal maniac!"

Enterprise: "And of course, the Federation wants the metaphasic technology to start a medical revolution and help us win the war against the Dominion, who will most certainly destroy this planet if we lose the war."

Greg: "How do you know-?!"

Enterprise: "Because if they win, someone will find this planet and destroy it as a possible threat to the Founders. Duh. Try to keep up Greg."

Greg: "Why I never-!"

Ruafo: "No, you never did! That's why Mother became the village bicycle!"

Greg: "Don't you dare bring her up, you brat!"

Ruafo: "Well someone has to, Dad! She certainly wished you could be replaced with a machine to do the work of a man!"

Greg: "Why you-!"

Enterprise: "This is not productive. Cool off. Now... The Sona current method would just harvest all of the radiation at once and devastate the planet. That's not great. However, Wesley has come up with a super science containment method to harvest a fair amount of radiation at a time, without devastating the planet or the rings. Right Wesley?"

Wesley: sitting on a bag of ice, nodding "Right..."

Enterprise: "We can then concentrate it, and use it a little at a time. It's not quite the revolution in medical science, yet, but it's better than doing nothing. It's also better than destroying the planet. Do we agree?"

Greg: "... Yes."

Ruafo: scowl "It's... Better, I suppose. We still want revenge!"

Enterprise: "There are much better ways to get revenge on your parents. How about this?"

Later... Quite some distance away from the Baku village... A Sona resort has been built. Loud music is played on speakers, as the Sona party with Federation officers and civilians. Greg Brady is here, looking appalled.

Greg: "This is a solution?!"

Enterprise: "We can keep a 140 kilometer exclusion zone around your village, and you'll never be bothered. But there are billions of people who could use this planet and the radiation and you can't just hog it all to yourselves. Better that you do it with us, so that we can protect you and let you live how you wish."

Picard: "We will allow you to live how you wish to... But your children should have the right to live the way they want."

Greg: "... Fine."

Ruafo pulls up in a hovercar, blasting loud music as several hot alien slave girls dance in the back.

Ruafo: "I will be visiting you soon, Father! And I'm bringing the car!"

Greg: "Are you really just going to show up to my village to annoy me with loud music, fast cars, and loose women?"

Ruafo: "YES!"

Greg: sighs "Where did I go wrong?"

Ruafo: "I have a list!" He turns to Enterprise and Picard "Hahahaha! I must admit, Enterprise, Picard, this is great! I wish I'd done this years ago!"

Picard: "Well... I can certainly understand teenaged rebellion against uptight, traditionalist parents."

Enterprise: "See? Everything worked out great!"

Data: Runs, covered in space bees "Help me Geordi! Help me Artim! I am covered in bees!"

Artim: The young Baku boy "Slow down! Slow down, you're making them angry!"

Data: "They're in my eyes! Burn them! Burn them off me!"

Geordi: "Not again, Data! Not again!"

Enterprise: nods "Everything worked out great..."

Because that movie sucked.