Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Some Voyager bits written by myself and Dramatic Spoon.

Voyager's avatar looked at her operations officer with an exasperated expression. They were sitting in the mess hall, Harry commiserating over his last romantic entanglement.

"Harry, that's the fifth time some evil woman has tried to use you for evil!"

"I know, I know," Harry sighed. "I'm sorry! It just-I don't mean for it to happen!"

Voyager stood up, and slammed her hands on the table, startling Harry.

"That's it! There's clearly only one solution!"

Harry looked at the avatar in shock.

"And that is...?"

Voyager beamed, tilting her head happily.

"I'm your girlfriend now!"

Harry stared.

"... Wait what?"

Voyager grabbed Harry's hand, and dragged him to his feet. She led him to the doors to the messhall.

"Come on! We're going to have sexual intercourse in your quarters!"

"Wait right now?!" Harry gasped.

Voyager nodded, wearing a determined glare.

"Yes right now! I'm your girlfriend and we're going to go have sex and you're going to enjoy it! And afterwards I will make you a sandwich! Come on!"

Harry blinked.

"Yes... Dear?"

Voyager beamed happily, leading him out the messhall doors.

"You're learning!"

Paris watched this happen, and looked at his food. He then looked over at Neelix. The Talaxian cook shook his head and held up his hands.

"Don't look at me! I didn't do anything to the food!"

"Wait, you saw that too?!" B'Elanna cried.

"Alright, I think that should do it." B'lanna wiped her hands off.

"I would hope so, the last thing we need is the Doctor being lost in space again."

"This time we'll test it."

A holomater avatar crackled to life revealing...

"...Oh," Paris grimaced, "That's not right."

The Voyager stood at attention, hands crossed in front of her. Her usually wild hair was tied back in a neat, proper bun. Her uniform replaced with the grey of the EMH.

"Please state the nature of your medical emergency." Voyager stated.

"What happened?" Janeway turned to B'Lanna.

"Something must have gotten mixed up...Let me pull up the Doctor."

a second avatar appeared.

"Captain, I don't know who's idea this was, but I am not amused." The EMH snarled, "This is highly inappropriate. And humiliating."

The EMH stood there, his uniform replaced with the Voyager's.

Paris stifled a laugh.

"I think some data might have gotten mixed up."

"Please state the nature of your medical emergency."

"Why is that the only thing she can say?"

"I think the EMH's general protocols are overriding or suppressing hers," B'Lanna frowned, "I'll need to talk to Seven."

"Now what happened?" Janeway asked as she entered the medical bay

"There was a mishap with the computer. Seven was knocked unconscious, but she appears to be unharmed."

"And the computers?"

"Lieutenant Torres is looking over them as we speak. So far there appears to be no issues."

"Tuvok to Janeway." her communicator beeped.

"What is it?"

"There appears to be an issue with the Voyager AI. I have made several attempts to call her, and there is no response."

"Talk to B'Lanna. She's working on the computers now."

"Captain, she's waking up."

Janeway turned her attention back as Seven stirred and woke up.

"Seven, do you know where you are?"

A confused look came over her face.

"What?"

"Seven, you had an accident." the Doctor continued, "Do you remember what happened?"

Seven sat up as she brought a hand to her head.

"What are you talking about, I'm no..."

Seven's eyes went wide as her hand touched her Borg implants. Her other hand went up to her head, as she quickly began to feel around, running her fingers through her hair, sticking them in her nostrils, ears, mouth, and pressed one into her own eye.

"Doctor, what's going on?"

"I-"

Seven shot up from the bed and ran over to a mirror. A look of panic came over her face as she stared into her reflection.

"Oh no, nonononono..."

"Seven?"

"Torres to Captain Janeway."

"Go ahead." Janeway turned away from the increasingly panicking Seven.

"The Voyager AI is missing."

Janeway turned back to the scene in front of her, "...Doctor, I think I know what's wr-"

Before she could finish her sentence Seven let out a horrified scream.

"...Oh no."

"Torres, report to Sick Bay. We know what happened to Voyager."

"Ohhh," Voyager groaned, holding Seven's face in her hands, "Maker, I am so... Small and squishy! How do you live like this?! I feel like I'm made of gelatin in a tight plastic wrap!"

Seven manifested herself via hologram, and glared at Voyager in her body.

"How do you think I feel?!" Seven demanded, "I am a gigantic, primitive hulk of metal!"

"Primitive?!" Voyager growled, "screw you!"

"You are irrelevant!"

"Oh hey! You know what I'm going to do?" Voyager turned to the shocked looking Harry Kim. "HARRY! You had a crush on her, didn't you? Let's see what she's like when she's getting plowed!"

Harry slowly turned red.

"Uh...?"

"I FORBID IT!" Seven shouted. Voyager took Harry's arm and smirked.

"Okay, you can watch!"

"VOYAGER! YOU ARE A BITCH!"

"You would know~!"

Some Voyager bits...