Chapter takes place in late June - Mid-July 2009.

TW: References to Fertility Issues

TW: References to Past Physical Abuse

CW: Reference to Anal Fisting

Draco missed the last half of work the following Monday.

Hermione walked out of her therapy session trembling. Her eyes were puffy, like she had been trying not to cry. Draco stood up when she walked out and made to hug her. Hermione held up one hand to stop him and shook her head. They only words out of her mouth were,

"I need you to take me home."

Draco was worried; he did not know what Padma could have said to send Hermione into a spiral. He had left Penelope's office many times feeling confused and upset, definitely with a strong desire for alcohol. But Padma had never pulled so much out of Hermione at once. At least, not that Draco had seen.

She said, "Take me home."

Hermione called the manor her home, and it took Draco a moment before he realized she was saying it was her home. Their home. Together.

Hermione spent awhile curled up on the sofa in their room. Draco figured she would speak when she was ready. He had Millet bring lunch up to him, then busied himself reading for several hours.

Draco and Hermione ate dinner on their sofa.

The elves had made Hermione a full English breakfast, her comfort food after a taxing day. Draco was halfway through a massive salad with chicken, cheese, peppers, and a dozen other delicious things he wouldn't stop to name. He asked Hermione,

"Did you read the article?"

She shook her head.

"Figured someone would tell me if I needed to."

"I did not read it, either. It seems something is bothering you, though. Do you wish to talk about it?"

"No." Hermione ate a bit of her egg. "I probably should, though."

"I am always here to listen."

"I know." Hermione took a deep breath then revealed, "The past few months, Padma and I have been working through my issues with self-perception. It is a strange time, like she is holding up a mirror that I cannot turn away from. Seeing the truth in myself has always been difficult." Hermione paused and grimaced like she was in pain. "I feel things that I …. About who I am, things I know you have forgiven me for, but I still haven't found a way to forgive myself."

Draco took Hermione's hand in his and asked, "Will you tell me where you are having trouble?"

"It is not only that I hit you, which is the single worst thing I have ever done, but that I pushed you into things I should have seen you did not want. Dinner with Harry and Ron was too much too quickly, and deep down I knew that. But I wanted you and I wanted our life together to move forward so I ignored it. I pretended you were ready and it was so incredibly selfish. I let you down in so many ways. You were suffering and I ignored it. When you told me, I blamed you and I hurt you."

"Yes," Draco confirmed, "you did."

"I keep thinking about what you must have thought of me in those first weeks afterward. You had finally seen the real me, and—"

"No, I don't believe that for a single moment."

"No?"

"No. If you had hit me because you believed I was expendable; if you had hit me because you believed I deserved it or to prove you are more powerful than me then you would not be here. You would not be welcome in my family. You lost control and you learned to take it back. You put in the effort, Hermione, to be safe. You did it because you see the same truth that I do."

Hermione frowned, confused.

"What's that?"

"Just because someone has magic in their blood does not mean it comes from a good heart. I know what power looks like when it comes from darkness; I lived in it. You understand that before you can fix the world's problems you have to solve your own. That is what you did for me, for us. You have good intentions and there is no one I trust with power more than I trust you."

"Thank you for saying that. I am afraid I have not been completely honest with you. Something Ron said in the interview bothered me."

"Nearly everything he says bothers me."

Hermione laughed, but her expression quickly morphed into something rather bleak.

"He said I had no right to his child's name because I have not been able to use it."

"I found that rather insensitive, but he is a git."

"He said it because we tried to … We, um, I suppose I tried and I failed."

Draco frowned and replied, "I do not understand."

Hermione placed her plate on the table and grabbed a pillow to hug against her chest.

"We were married for two years. The first six months were fine, then he began to push me. The year afterward was awful because I kept hurting him. I never truly meant to, but I couldn't control my magic the way I needed to. After a year of that, we agreed to try for a child because we thought it might mend things."

"I thought you said you never wanted to have children with Weasley."

"I didn't!" Hermione insisted. "I wanted to prove to him that I was worth something—"

"You should never have to prove that, Hermione. You saved the bloody world, I think that is worth quite a bit. If Weasley doesn't agree, well, it would not be the first time he failed to see a good thing while he has it."

"I know." Hermione nodded and repeated, "I know that now. But we tried for six months and I couldn't."

"You couldn't what?"

"It wasn't working, Draco. We tried for months and I never became pregnant, so I think I might not be able to. And I wanted to tell you before you ask me to marry you because I know how desperately you want to have a child. There is a substantial chance I cannot give that to you."

"Hermione."

"I am only saying that our future together may not be what you want it to be."

"Do you really believe that I would leave you because you might not be able to have a child?"

"No, but I want to give you what you want."

"What I want is you. A child is part of you and part of me together in the same tiny person. As wonderful as it would be to go through that journey with you …" He shrugged. "From my perspective, when I look at what I want out of my life, it is more important that I am your husband than it is for me to be a father. I would choose you over anything."

"You know I feel the same."

"Good, then." Draco grinned. "You have nothing to be worried about."

"You're too good to me, you know? You are literally unbelievable."

"No, I don't think so." Draco nudged her shoulder and said, "Just stuff your hand up my arse every now and again then call it even."

Hermione laughed and playfully whacked his stomach with the pillow.

"I went window shopping the other day. I know a shop in Ravenswood that sells unmentionables, and there are beautiful slips with sheer fabric over the breasts. Thought you might enjoy seeing me in one of them."

"Surprise me one day." Draco leaned forward to kiss Hermione slowly, and lingered. "I still feel like my body isn't good enough most days because I am not good enough. Then you continue to show me how wonderful it can be, all the great things I never knew it could do, so I want to do the same for you. Your body is perfect to me, inside and out. Just as you love me for who I am, scars and all."

"Okay." Hermione kissed him again then said, "But I am going to need you to tell me that every day for the rest of our lives. Can you manage that?"

"For you?" said Draco. "Of course."

.oOo.

"Have you heard any news?"

Draco continued to address the various letters scattered about his desk.

"No."

"How are you so calm about this?" asked Narcissa.

Without looking up, Draco asked, "Why are you so invested in her success?"

"If this project is approved by the Wizengamot, it means you are free to propose. The earlier you propose, the sooner you get married. The earlier you get married, the sooner I get a grandchild."

"Even if everything goes to plan, I will not propose for months." Draco smiled and teased, "Though Hermione and I never confirmed we would wait until marriage to have children."

Narcissa gasped.

"You wouldn't dare, Draco Lucius Malfoy!"

"I am only joking."

"Merlin knows that girl has done enough damage to her reputation by dating you and aligning herself with our family. You will at least keep to this one Pureblood tradition."

"I do not believe we have anything to gain by keeping to Pureblood tradition."

"You are entitled to your incorrect opinion."

"To answer your question, I know Hermione's project will be approved. In fact, I ensured it."

Narcissa frowned and insisted, "She will find out if you bribed anyone."

"Please, mother," scoffed Draco, "Hermione is brilliant but a bit of a nitwit when it comes to politics. You can tell her I said as much and she will agree. I did not bribe anyone, I might have pulled a few strings and called in a favour or two—"

"You manipulated the result."

"I promised a few of them restaurant reservations. One member of the committee is in a bit of a row with his wife and their anniversary is next week. A table happened to open up at Blaise's restaurant. If he votes against Hermione's proposal, I would not be surprised if that table was given to other patrons."

"I see."

"A few members of the Wizengamot committee have their own businesses, many of which are a bit tardy on their rent payments. Should they vote in favour of Hermione's proposal, I may overlook this month."

"And that is not a bribe?"

"It is a favour."

"You truly are your father's son."

Draco huffed, "Not a compliment."

"No," Narcissa agreed, "it was not meant to be."

"It amazes me that you and Father have managed to stay married all this time."

Without a moment's hesitation, she replied, "The secret is separate bathrooms."

.oOo.

Hermione's plan was approved and everything changed afterward. She had purpose again, something she cared about. She had an overnight stay at some Ministry conference in the middle of July, leaving Draco alone for the week. Life without Hermione was … different. That was all he could say after so many weeks of having her there for every bad moment, every laugh, every meal.

Draco sat up in bed, his pillow drenched in sweat. Sunlight streamed in through the bedroom windows and he squinted as his eyes adjusted. Thoughts of the day ahead were smothering him; he knew it had to be done, but that did not mean Draco wanted to do it. He threw the duvet off and ran to the windows. He fiddled with the latch and shoved it open. He moved to the next window and opened it, then to the next, and forced every window up as high as it would go. He leaned out to smell the garden below and took a deep breath. The air felt like Felix Felicis coating his throat and Draco remained there for a solid minute.

He wiped the crust from his eyes and trudged into the bathroom. Draco jumped when his feet hit the cold tile. He pulled his pyjamas off and tossed them aside, the fabric too heavy against his skin. Draco turned the shower knobs until the temperature was just on the uncomfortable side of warm and stepped inside.

The water droplets were hot and heavenly against his skin. Draco needed to feel real, needed to feel like himself. The warmth was relaxing, but not a weight on his skin like the invisible fingers seemingly wrapped around his neck. He was calmed by the rhythmic plunkplunkplunk of water on the shower floor.

After toweling off, Draco stared into his closet wearing nothing but his pants. He could not say how long he spent looking, but eventually made his way to the sock drawer. He chose a grey pair then tossed them onto a chair.

He hated seeing Ron Weasley. Weasley had grown up with nearly everything Draco wanted: siblings, friends to help him with homework, and parents who understood how to properly love a child. Sure, he had money and Theo. And Pansy. And Blaise later on. Right, Draco had some things going for him, but when it came down to it, Ron Weasley never had to build a family, never had to fight for it. Ron Weasley had never broken apart in someone's arms searching for one reason to stay alive.

Trousers next. Draco pulled the nearest pair off the hanger, grey as well, with thin bisecting lines of a darker grey. That colour had defined his life after the war, spending those years existing in a grey area of Malfoy-ness. All the stigma of the name and so few of the benefits. Draco chose a grey shirt and left the top three buttons undone. He selected a navy blazer and smiled at the thought of Hermione's return the following afternoon, but she had no reason to know of his plans. Perhaps Ron Weasley would make this an easy conversation. Draco would let him know, Weasley would answer, "Good for you," and Draco would be on his way. Of course it was never so easy, but a fanciful notion every now and again was good for the soul, he supposed.

Draco sat on the end of the bed and pulled his socks on with shaky fingers. He paused, took a deep breath, and remembered what Hermione had said weeks earlier. "I see the world so clearly through you." He had a purpose, too, and it was important for him to remember as much. He placed both feet in his trousers and stood to pull them on, buttoned them, then twirled the ends of his hair around one finger. He stuffed his feet into a pair of leather loafers but looked wistfully at his trainers because they were better for a quick getaway. He gripped the sides of his nightstand and closed his eyes. He shouldn't go. The last thing he should do was take advice from his father, but Lucius Malfoy's marriage was the one thing he had done right in life. If Draco could claim one piece of his father, it would be to love Hermione the way his father had always loved Narcissa. Always. While Narcissa's candle may have gone out for a time, Lucius's candle remained lit.

Draco opened his eyes and grumbled, "God and Merlin above, help me."

.oOo.

The most important part of this conversation was neutral ground. Dean Thomas agreed to act as a neutral third-party, and he took both Ron and Draco to the coffee shop Draco secretly loved. He would never openly admit to enjoying a Muggle establishment, but he walked up to the counter and ordered the biggest size of the sweet pink drink he loved. Besides, watching Weasley struggle to read the menu made the trip worthwhile.

They sat at a square table toward the back, with Ron and Draco directly across from each other and Dean to Draco's left.

"I have ground rules for this conversation," Dean said. "Number one, there is no speaking over each other. Number two, no referring to each other with derogatory language. Number three, we are engaging in a dialogue about the future and not a debate about this past. Number four—"

Ron jokingly asked, "Do you plan to give us a list?"

"You two plonkers dragged me down here for this conversation, so I will have as many damn rules as I see fit."

"Fair."

"Number four, if I tell you to answer a question then you must answer the question."

"Anything else?" asked Draco.

"No." Dean took a long swig of his drink then placed it on the table. "Begin."

"I think I know why we are here," said Weasley. "But I think it best you tell me anyway."

Draco took a deep breath before he answered.

"In a few months, I plan to ask Hermione to marry me."

"Okay." Ron shrugged. "If you love her as much as you say you do, I am surprised it has taken you this long."

"Against my better judgement, Hermione considers you a close friend and wants to keep you involved in her life."

"And I want to be there."

"I think you should be." Draco took a quick sip of his drink then said, "I only want your assurance that you will not try to force Hermione and myself apart."

"I won't."

"And I don't believe you."

"Yeah," Weasley shrugged, "I probably deserve that. But I told you, our marital problems were as much my fault as they were hers. Moreso, even, because I started it and wasn't brave enough to leave. I own up to that."

"You fucked her up in ways I don't even think you realize, and that is my concern."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I mean to say there are times when we are intimate together that she is worried I might be thinking of someone else, because the only other man she has ever loved continuously fantasized about another woman the entire time they were together."

"Well, you do have more options than I did—"

"Oi!" Dean whisper-shouted. "There is no need to bring Draco's sexuality into this. Rule number five."

Ron insisted, "You only said there were four!"

"Well I didn't know I would need another one because you can be an insensitive git."

"I am not all that bothered by it anymore," added Draco. "Though I am quite surprised he hasn't made a quip about my hair."

"Just as I am shocked you haven't insulted mine," replied Ron.

"See?" said Dean. "You're getting along great."

"Are we?" asked Draco. "I think he is avoiding answering to the fact that I still have to work to build up Hermione's confidence in herself because he spent their entire marriage tearing it down."

"That is not fair!"

"Then what would you say it is?"

"Look, I wasn't thinking about Alicia because Hermione was a bad lay or anything like that. She is great by pretty much any standard, and it squicks me out to know that you're … Well, that you're shagging her now. My thoughts were always with Alicia because that was where I wanted to be. With Hermione, it was like shagging my best mate. I don't know how to describe it other than my heart wasn't in it. It doesn't surprise me that she saw as much."

"Do you have a problem with me proposing?"

"No." Ron sighed and admitted, "I know it sounds weird, because I think you are a git—"

"Rule number two!"

"—and I know Hermione could do better. Even now, she could walk to up to Viktor Krum and snog him and he wouldn't mind. The way I see things, Malfoy, is that we went through the same thing, didn't we? You relapsed and you lied to her about it. I pushed Hermione into being violent with me so I would have an excuse to leave. We both received the same physical reaction, but she never went to therapy for me. She never learned anything for me. If Hermione puts in effort it is because she has found something worthwhile, and if she finally decided to get help because she hurt your sorry arse, then I think we can all see that she loves you more than she ever cared for me."

Draco took another sip of his drink and said, "That is quite perceptive of you."

"Look, I was a shit boyfriend and an even worse husband. Hermione was a terrible wife, writing to her beloved Veek-toor about how she felt her life was missing something and all that rubbish. I will admit, when I told her I wanted to separate for a bit, I didn't think she would be so angry. I know she didn't mean to put me in hospital, but she did."

"I understand how difficult it is to leave her. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do."

"Exactly. Even when things are so fucked-up, Hermione's a great person. She is never boring, always bouncing off the walls with her next house-elf advocacy skrewtshit. She never puts her clothes in the basket—"

"I know!" Draco shouted. "She leaves them on the floor right next to the basket!"

"She is a madwoman in the best way, and that is why I love her as my best friend. We both thought that best friend would translate into partner, and it never did. Our love wasn't right. If you love her properly, then you should marry her. End of my opinion on the matter."

"Thank you."

Weasley asked, "Why do you care so much about my opinion, anyway?"

"If Hermione accepts my proposal, then I imagine she will want you to come to our wedding."

"I'll be there."

"I imagine if we have a child, she will want you present for that as well, as one of her closest friends."

"You can count on it."

"I do not want our marriage to ruin her friendships, and I have made my peace with Potter. We understand each other in a way we did not before. You and I have … a bit more complex history to navigate. Hermione cares for you, even though she still holds a lot of bitterness in her heart over your marriage."

"Allie didn't want her at the wedding and I think she is very bitter about that."

"It is best if we don't discuss your wife at all, to be honest. I do not believe there is any mending that bridge."

"I think you're right."

"Hermione is never to know of this conversation."

"Fine by me," said Weasley. "I think you've been good for her."

"Therapy has been good for her."

"Probably. But say she started going to therapy while we were still married. Do you think she would be as far along? Do you think we would be where the two of you are? Because I don't. I think that there is something fucked-up in both of you and it's working. The reason I love Alicia is because we both wanted a family and she is a great mum. Is she a great friend? Not really, she's quite rubbish in that department, but we work well together. Something about you makes Hermione feel like house-elf activism isn't a waste of time. Trying to get an entire day school through the Wizengamot is not a waste of time. I would have told her otherwise, Malfoy, and you didn't. That is the difference. You are fine with her ambition. To me, I always felt like I wasn't enough. That she was stepping on my head just to get a leg-up in her career. You're different. You'd never let anyone step on you because it would mess up your hair."

Dean snickered.

"Oi!" shouted Draco. "Rule number two!"

"That was funny so it gets a pass."

"Can I ask you a question, though?" said Weasley.

"Yes."

"If you do have a child with Hermione, you understand that you will have to do most of the work?"

"Of course!" Draco insisted, "I want to. Being a father is all I have ever really wanted, to prove I can do it better than mine did."

"Low bar."

"Incredibly low bar, but I look forward to it. You and Potter, you've had that experience already. Now, I do have the twins and I love them like my own kids, but that is different. They are my godchildren and I am not their parent. I want to be holding my son with Hermione asleep on my shoulder, thinking about how amazing my life is. I know I will be one of those ridiculous dads, showing my daughter off to anyone I meet. My friends will be sick of me within a week because I'll be talking so much about her."

"You think it'll be a girl, then?"

"Considering I have fucked over every other Malfoy tradition, it would not shock me. Hermione believes our child would be a boy. The way I see it, one of us is bound to be right."

"When do you plan to propose?"

"Oh, no." Draco shook his head. "The only person who knows that is Dean, and he won't blab."

Dean smiled and revealed, "I think it is the most romantic proposal idea you could've come up with, given the circumstances."

"I know she wouldn't seem like it at first glance, but Hermione loves romantic things," said Ron. "Have you got a ring?"

"Yeah," Draco nodded. "It is from the Black family vault. Gorgeous, but not so big as to hinder her spellwork."

"Brilliant. So … are we done here?"

"I think we are."

"Fantastic." Weasley stood up then said, "As mad as it sounds, I trust you with her heart."

"Thank you."

Draco stood up from his chair and shook Ron Weasley's hand. Dean looked on and sipped his coffee, amused.

"Thanks for thinking to do this. I know it isn't easy for either of us, but I appreciate you talking to me before you do it."

"Only because of Hermione. I did it for her."