Finn almost felt like going to the principal's office at school as he stepped into Rory's study on the fourth floor for the second time that day. Rory hadn't indicated that she was mad at him, and he hoped that was the case - but then again perhaps all Rory knew was that G had had a crush on him. Still - he worried he'd lost some credibility in Rory's eyes as a result, as after all, Rory had seen well that he'd made very little effort in staying away when he'd hung out with G for all those months.
He shut the door behind him and landed back onto the sleeper couch, and fidgeted with the white tasseled throw pillow.
"I ran into G just now," Finn exhaled, feeling surprisingly relieved to not have to pretend that there had been nothing, now knowing that Rory knew. He hadn't planned on saying anything, but somehow the thought registering that it had been something and that it wasn't just his secret, made him want to at least inquire if G was alright.
"Yeah?" Rory asked, turning her attention to him from her computer screen, having tried to shake the initial emotions when Finn had asked her about how she was doing, wanting to not just have him as a shoulder to cry on, she wanted constructive advice. But something about the way he'd said it, that she was just comprehending now, told her Finn either wanted to open up about G or perhaps he knew that she knew. Maybe G had told him herself?
"Yeah," Finn sighed, glancing at her apologetically.
"We don't have to talk about it…," Rory said. Frankly she didn't want to - almost fearing that she might drive a wedge between them if she started thinking about it. She didn't approve of his course of action, the length of it, but she was simply thankful that he'd taken himself out of the picture in time. It had been a doomed situation either way.
"Do you think she's okay?" Finn asked instead.
Rory sighed, seeing genuine concern in his eyes. She, of course, knew more than Finn thought she did. So did G.
"You know… I think she's going to be okay, I hope...she seems to be pretty resilient. But there's just a lot more going on with her than getting over a broken heart. She's been lonely and I think… she gets attached easily to men but I'm not always sure it is for the right reasons," she said.
She didn't mean to hurt Finn by this, but this was what her take on it was - based on what she knew about G's relationship with Brody for example. Rory didn't know whether what G had felt for Finn had been more real or something similar.
"But I think there might be underlying causes for it that even she doesn't fully understand yet. But what is important is that she's agreed to get some help. She's talking to me and Celeste and I think we all just have to tread carefully with her," Rory explained.
Finn really didn't know what to say. Sure, he'd known she was lonely, but the rest he really hadn't comprehended at that point, making him feel like he perhaps should've - after all he was supposed to be the adult. And for a while he'd probably been the closest person to G. But he'd had little reason to suspect anything deeper either. Everything had appeared light and friendly. Now it was safe to say he was worried, he even felt like he wanted to ask what the rest was - but he knew better than to get too close to this.
"So - how are you doing?" Finn asked, needing to change the subject, after taking a deep breath.
"I don't know how much he told you," Rory hesitated, hoping to get something from him about Logan too.
"He's dealing with some insecurities. But I'm pretty sure it's just been a rough year with everything he's been through.., and I know it hasn't been easy on you either. I think he's just kept a lot of things bottled up," Finn summed it up.
"Yeah," Rory agreed. "But he's like shut down. I can barely get him to tell me things..," Rory began, despite trying to keep a straight face struggling to appear strong, the lump in her throat still showing.
She'd made herself seem a lot stronger than she really was as she'd said her goodbyes to Logan a couple of days ago. She felt as if Logan was dealing with enough not to burden him with her fears. Sure, she'd shown him that she wanted things to change and that she wanted to put in the work. He had met her half way on the little things before he left - physically and by promising to take some time to really work on them. He had no doubt seen that she was upset about how things were - but she felt it was mostly about getting through to him - that he'd acknowledge the problem. Simply assuring her that they were going to be okay wasn't going to be enough.
"He might not mean everything he says right now but he knows he needs to work through these things. Just give him some time. But what I can say is that he's not giving up… He just needs you to hang in there, alright?" Finn assured her.
Jess had just been to Doose's market to get an extra gallon of organic milk, Celeste's craving for milk having started early with this baby. He got some extra orange juice and a couple of apples, and headed for the register. A tall but chunky teenager, probably no more than 16 years old, attempting to grow a beard, which was pretty thin, was handling the checkout tonight. He was glad Taylor was nowhere in sight, having conveniently avoided Taylor about getting back to him about the town meetings. He usually hardly ever even went to the market because Celeste liked to buy most of their food directly from local producers or drop by Whole Foods when they were in Hartford.
"We have a '2 pounds for the price of 1' deal with the apples," the teenager pointed out to Jess as he'd placed his items onto the checkout counter.
"That's fine," Jess said, reading his tag, "Miguel," he added. The store was almost empty and no one else was in the line with him, just Carrie Duncan looking through the discount aisle in the back.
"You're the guy who owns the old firehouse, right? The Apparatus..something?" Miguel asked. He seemed like an easygoing guy, but perhaps the kind that got better with adults rather than his schoolmates. At least that was the vibe Jess was getting from him.
"I am. I'm Jess," he replied.
"So is that place like a fancy bookstore or what?" the teenager asked, continuing to add up his purchases. "That'd be 11.58," he added in between.
"Nothing fancy about it, it's just a niche store," Jess replied, and paid for his purchases.
"Sounds fancy," he commented, packing up his things into a paper bag.
"It really isn't - we just don't sell a large variety of books like Arthur's store. We mostly sell crime fiction, general darker fiction - books where life isn't all unicorns and rainbows…," Jess replied, realizing the speciality terminology wouldn't quite get through. "You're welcome to stop by sometimes, no obligation to purchase," he suggested.
Miguel nodded friendly and they said their goodbyes for the night.
What was interesting for Jess though, was that he hadn't really considered that for some people in this town his store concept might be a little lost - not everyone knew even what nordic noir stood for. He didn't necessarily need the local's business very desperately, most of their clients being from bigger cities around the country at this point, but he did consider it important that people had the accurate view of things that wasn't influenced too much by Arthur's or Taylor's misconceptions.
Jess walked out into the dark street, and continued to walk towards Park street that was just left from Luke's. He almost ran, seeing Taylor emerge from his Soda Shoppe and lock up, hoping he'd pass him quicker than he would notice him, but he had no such luck.
"Good evening, Jess!" Taylor greeted him.
Jess knew than evasion techniques were not going to work these days - he was no longer some teenager who could just hide into an alley and shrug him off impolitely. Jess was a business owner in town and to some extent he did answer to the town.
"Taylor, what a fine evening," Jess said, half sarcastically, knowing that he'd also note his Doosey's market paper bag.
He could already guess what his next question was going to be and he wasn't disappointed. He wanted an answer on whether they could use his store for their meetings, but it was then it hit Jess that at least for the time being it was what he could do to promote his store locally with very little effort, and they certainly could use some extra income if renting the space out, even if with a friends' rate, provided.
"Fine, use the space - but a) only until May 2020, then have them outside, use the school… whatever, it's not my concern, b) it's a rental, we'll work out the details, but I have expenses to over and it's a lot of people," he said. Even just the fact that people wanted to use electircity and use bathrooms were expences to them. He's taken Celeste's due date into consideration, not wanting any more commotion around the house during her last trimester. He just hoped Celeste wouldn't be mad at her for doing this.
The waiting room of the psychologist office wasn't really helping - it was too kid oriented, a bunch of sensory toys, pictures of puppies and activity tables for toddlers were definitely making G doubt whether the place was for her, as she sat there on the couch, side-by-side with Rory.
"Maybe I should've just stuck to going to Ulifeline," G noted quietly, having liked the more adult setting. Rosalie had been nice, though it seemed they really were more about giving life advice which generally worked, than dealing with the deeper issues. Though it could be that she just hadn't reached the actual professionals yet.
"Just give it a try. I mean if they get kids in here as well they need to keep them entertained out here. People like you don't need their entertainment, you all carry your own," Rory replied, gesturing at G's phone that seemed to be attached to her hand.
It was then a short round man in his 50s appeared on the door, guiding his former patient, a boy in his early teens, out of his office.
"Miss Hayden?" he asked.
"That's me," G replied. "Is it okay if my sister comes along?" she added. Rory had maybe expected a short joint session or just hanging out at the waiting room for moral support, but she hadn't expected her to come in for the whole thing.
"We usually do these things one on one, but since it's the first time - I have no objections if you don't," the man said. "My name is Dr. Williams," he said and headed back to his office, expecting the others to follow.
"I thought it'd be a woman," G whispered to Rory, as she hesitated stepping into his office for a second.
"Do you want it to be a woman?" Rory asked, having not expected it to be an issue. Suddenly she worried whether there were things, serious things, about what was going on, that she didn't know about. She honestly hadn't looked further than the last name, knowing Dr. Williams came highly recommended, Celeste having done the research on him.
"I don't know…," G shrugged, and stepped forward hesitantly. She'd somehow always pictured a woman. At least she'd never pictured it being a balding man in his 50s who he was about to tell her about her very personal issues many of which involved her sexual behavior.
"Have a seat," Dr. Williams suggested, gesturing at the brown leather couch that easily fit two. "So, Georgia - what brings you in here?" he asked, after the two had taken their seats.
"I actually prefer G, and I'm just going to outright say it," she began bravely. "I'm not sure you being a man is going to work for me. My crap is sort of personal, intimate - so I'm not sure how that'll work," she added, getting her courage to speak out from having Rory there with her.
"This is up to you of course, I can refer you to a colleague of mine if that's what you want. But if you're willing to give it a try I can assure you that the Y chromosome in me really rarely affects what I do. I'm also 100% gay, so if you're worried about the sexualization of the discussion, you shouldn't worry," Dr. Williams added.
Rory wondered whether that really was appropriate thing for a therapist to mention, but she frankly like the openness he seemed to be taking this with. She believed that was also something he was beaming in order to get the patient to open up as well.
"Okay... I guess I can try, but I'm not making any promises," G replied. It did make it a little easier, and she was quite surprised of her rection - she was surprised how untrusting she was of straight men in this position at this point.
"And that's your right. Anytime you feel uncomfortable, you are free to walk out of here - today or any other time. No explanation required," he added.
Rory took G's hand assuringly, hoping she would give it a try.
"So, G, what brings you here today?" Dr. Williams asked again, after he'd explained the principles of therapy - honesty, confidentiality and so forth.
"I've noticed that I…," G began hesitatingly. "...that I seek praise and approval from men a lot. And for quite some time I just thought that being friendly and engaging with them… sexually… just was what adults did. But it's mostly guys who are older than me that I tend to like. It's a thrill. But it's almost like I get the attention and I pay with my body… and I know that sounds horrible. And I guess that's part of why I'm here. I want to learn how to differentiate between these feelings - when they're real and when they're not," G explained. "I've also thought about why I am like this - and over this Christmas I sort of found out that my step-dad who I don't live with anymore has been… I guess 'harassing' is the right word… me," she said, swallowing hard between phrases. "I hadn't seen him in a few years and now just everything he did screamed to me that it didn't feel right. Like he'd hug me for too long or make some borderline joke about me looking like Jessica Jones with her nipples showing through her top. And then all these little things just started coming back to me from when I was younger. Like we were really physical - like cuddling and kissing - but he's French so it's also very much borderline - many people kiss their parents on the mouth in passing - it's normalized. He used to buy me things like make up and clothes or compliment me. He would talk to me about sex and relationships, we'd watch movies that certainly weren't just PG13 as if they were a conversation starter or something. I don't think he did anything more than that.. At least I don't remember, but I've heard some people just block these things out..;" G continued to explain, adding a little apologetically, "I read a lot about these things…"
A lot of this was news to Rory, the details of Remi's behavior especially, but she was also truly surprised by how well G had understood the possible linkage and put everything together. She squeezed her hand a little tighter.
"Did you know about this?" asked, seeing a tiny tear forming in Rory's eye.
"Not in so much detail. I got that he was flirty, but this just makes me a little sick to my stomach," Rory said, wiping the tear away.
G squeezed her hand instead. "I didn't feel like telling it more than once," she explained why she had wanted her in the room with her.
"And you're 16 right?" Dr. Williams asked.
"Yes, 17 at the end of this month," she replied.
"And how old were you when you lived with this man?" he asked.
"I moved out when I was 13, I was there from age 7 or so, before that on and off. And I'm pretty sure I was mostly suggested to move back to the States by my mother who was concerned about the way Remi was around me. Her words were 'she didn't like the way he looked at me' when I asked her. So it definitely tells me it wasn't just my imagination. I didn't knew that, or at least I didn't register it as her real concern, until now," G explained.
"I'm just going to tell you now G, just in case, that technically if this had all happened in the US that'd already be grounds for me to break confidentiality and inform the authorities. Even suspicion of misconduct, abuse, harassment - is grounds for social services to get involved. But as right now you are no longer in that household and we're in a different country, and I am no expert in the French laws on these things, we're just going to hold off on that. But this is now something your sister here, or your father perhaps, will be incharge of from now on. The key thing being that she doesn't go back there into that environment and if we detect anything more, then even though she is older now, is for you to report it over there," the doctor explained, lookin more at Rory than G.
"I understand," Rory nodded, she was beginning to feel more guilty about not knowing about these things, and more angry towards Sherry too for ignoring it as long as she had.
"Does your father know about this, G?" Dr. Williams asked.
"No, he doesn't. I don't know under what explanation I moved in with him again, but I guess he wanted me to too. I lived with him for several years in Boston and because I changed schools I moved in with my sister here in New York, and my dad's currently in Tokyo on business," G explained, and Rory could definitely tell she was telling the nicer version of this story as if protecting their father by not saying that she moved because he wanted to work in Tokyo.
"Well - I don't really know whether it was your idea to come to therapy, or your sisters, but I am very glad you did," Dr. Williams began.
"What - because I'm so screwed up?" G shot back at him.
"No, not necessarily - but you are correct to search for potential linkages between the things you've told me. Your step-dad likely had quite an important role in your life growing up, and what he, without a doubt did was take advantage of his position. Even if the whole thing was just borderline - and I am really not defending him, like I said - even these smaller things would've been grounds for reporting suspicion of abuse. Essentially a lot of these activities that you mentioned like buying you things and complimenting you are what are called grooming and exposing kids to unsuitable media is nuding them towards doing something more - making them curious about these things. So these things - even if you might have considered them as normal that point, still left a mark. Deep down it's still his approval that you seek, and with the absence of your own father - it is not really that unusual at all to search for that similar kind of acceptance elsewhere.
"Do you mind if I ask you how old were you when you first had sex?" Dr. Williams asked.
"Almost 14, I'd done oral a few times earlier that year," G said, feeling a little embarrassed. She knew it was early, but she had always been very aware how these things worked and she'd wanted to, feeling turned on at the thought already then. "It was consensual," she added, anticipating the question. The guys hadn't treated her too well, they'd been too immature, but she hadn't ever been forced into anything like that. And this was something she actually knew - she'd gotten very lucky with her partners so far.
"And how many partners have you had in the past six months?" he asked.
"Three," G replied, again surprising Rory who'd only really known about one of them. She was glad that Finn hadn't been one of them.
"How are your grades? Do you like school?" he continued, changing the subject slightly
"4.2 GPA, and school is fine - It's not something I am crazy about but I do what they expect of me," she added.
"What about friends? Do you have friends your own age?" he asked.
"A few, but we don't hang out that often after school. I talk to Rory and there's her friend Celeste, who is really easy to talk to. Sometimes I hang out with a relative of mine, who's a little younger," she explained, referring to Doula.
"Celeste is about my age," Rory mentioned.
"Do you ever experience feelings of hopelessness, anger, high irritability, loss of interest?" Dr. Williams asked.
"If you're asking if I'm depressed then I don't think so. I've done tests online and I'm sure, sometimes lonely or angry at this whole Remi thing, I guess I can be critical of myself too, but these come and go. I sometimes have some mood swings I guess… say things before I think them through," G explained, knowledgeably.
"Have you ever considered harming yourself?" Dr. Williams asked.
"No," G replied.
The response made Rory sigh with relief. At least there was that.
"Any anxiety?" he asked.
"I don't like tense situations much, so sometimes maybe," G shrugged.
"What do you usually do if that happens?" Dr. Williams asked.
"Try to leave, do something else," G replied, unsure what he was expecting to hear from her.
"Alright," he nodded. "Can you describe a scenario that might lead you to sleep with a guy - are these boyfriends or just hookups?" he asked.
"I usually just start talking to the guy. Most often it's like a party or some other social situation where it's like expected. I definitely pick out guys that at least look like they're a little older, some are, some aren't," G explained.
"Do you pick them out or they come to you?" Dr. Williams continued.
"It depends. It's not like I go and drag them off somewhere. These are guys I like, I guess, not just someone random. But I usually don't let them wait around very long either - I don't like games. If I go to a party I go prepared, it doesn't always happen but I go in with the possibility. And yes, if your next question is whether I am being safe, then 'yes' - always," G replied.
"Well G…," Dr. Williams began. "I can see that you are actually quite aware of the things you are dealing with. And I am very grateful to you for having shared as much as you have - it makes you brave and shows good analytical ability. What I do want you to know is that what you stepfather did, whatever that was, it wasn't okay. Nothing that makes you uncomfortable is okay. And as you've only recently begun to put things together in your head, there might be more situations that you remember - and you're always free to talk about them here. Or to your sister - don't keep them to yourself. When you come here, we'll try a few cognitive behavioral techniques to help you better analyze your thinking and decision making processes - like the reasons why you get involved with guys, how you get attached. A lot of it mostly involves working on yourself, practicing self love and learning to not require other's approval so much. At this point I don't really see an urgent need for medication, but if you feel there is a need, we can discuss that with our phychiatrist," he explained.
"So what - do I get a diagnosis of some sort?" G asked a little bluntly, knowing that the system require therapists to put down something so the insurance would cover these visits at least in part. Even though in her case it really wasn't necessary, he was likely to put down something anyways.
"There are some traits of Histrionic personality disorder - it often is characterized by attention-seeking behaviors, including seduction and desire for approval, but in your case so far it seems to be rather mild - so it could not be. At least you don't describe it being something that controls your life, even if it does control some of your decisions. And with this part there's little else we need to do other than recommend that you keep coming to sessions. And I'll give you a workbook that you can go through on your own - think of it as thinking exercises mostly - it won't get graded," Dr. Williams said. "And for what the effects of your early experiences have on you - I think we need to just wait and see - there could be some PTSD, potentially attachment issues or anxiety, addiction is also more common - so these are definitely things to look out for," he added.
The session hadn't really been at all what G had hoped, but having things out there felt good. She was giving it a go, it couldn't hurt, could it? She didn't want to feel lonely and keep having unhealthy relationships - having learned with Finn what a crush felt like, she did really want that with someone who she really could be with. She wanted a friend, she wanted to love and to feel loved and she wanted it to be healthy, now knowing that a lot of what she'd been doing so far, had not been.
AN: I am no therapist so do take the session as a work of fiction, if you have real issues - see a professional.
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