A/N: I can't even wrap my head around this. This is legitimately the most logical explanation I can formulate at the moment.

Disclaimer: I think you all DEFINITELY know by now that I don't own a thing. The title is from the Steve Moakler song "The Picture." The entire premise of that song is that you see a picture (or in our case, a letter) and think you understand what you're seeing, but it turns out to be something completely different.

Elliot didn't know what he expected to come home to tonight, but his wife, sifting through a pile of NYPD paperwork at the kitchen table wasn't it.

"Hey, babe," he said, kissing her on top of the head as he came up behind her and looked over her shoulders. She was shuffling mostly memos, nothing with any sensitive information on it. Most of them had been tangled up in the pile of junk mail and bills on the counter.

"Hi honey," she said, pulling one of the papers from the stack and turning around. "Did you see this?"

He took the memo from her and scanned the heading. It was about a week old. Just department news. He'd printed it out (or so he told himself) because it had some information about a meeting he'd been asked to attend in New York, to give an update about what he'd been doing in Italy. He wasn't sure if he was going to go yet, but he'd printed it out to keep it as a reminder.

"Just a memo from last week," he said. "Has some details about a meeting they asked me to go to. I might not go."

"A meeting or an awards dinner?" she asked.

Of course she'd read the whole thing and seen who was being honored at the women in policing awards dinner that same week.

"A meeting," he said, handing the memo back to her. "Third bullet point."

She scanned it and then pointed to the last bullet point on the page.

"This has nothing to do with it?" she said with a small smirk.

"No," he said, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "You know I don't like awards dinners."

"Not even to see Olivia accept this award?" Kathy asked, Liv's name sounding foreign in her mouth. "It sounds kind of important."

And it was. Olivia was a captain now. She was one of the leading forces in the NYPD at her level and for women. As far as he could tell since he's been back in the department, everyone knew her and almost everyone loved her.

"I'm sure it is," Elliot said. "But I'm probably not invited."

"Why not?" Kathy asked. "Looks like all you have to do is RSVP."

"You know why not," he said, pushing off the counter.

"I don't think I do," she said. "Please tell me."

Elliot scrubbed a hand over his face. It's been 23 years and they're still having the same fight. The fight over him and Olivia. He thought he'd put that to rest 10 years ago when he left the force and about eight ago when they moved overseas.

"Because we haven't talked in 10 years," Elliot said. "I think I'm the last person she wants to see."

Kathy bit down on her bottom lip and Elliot wished he knew what she was thinking. Something in his gut twisted as he thought of Olivia. He would have known exactly what was going through her head if she did that. For as much as he loves Kathy-has loved her through five children, a separation and near divorce ,and a move overseas-he couldn't, in all this time, tell what she was thinking just by looking at her.

"Well, maybe we should go. Together," Kathy said. "She might like to see people from the early days of her career at SVU. It could be like a small reunion."

"I don't know if we should crash that party, Kath," he said.

"I think it would be nice," she said, standing up from the table. "Maybe you could call Cragan or Fin. Ask them if they think it's a good idea. Then make your decision."

Then she walked into their bedroom.

So he called Fin, who told him to go for it, but to call Liv first so she wasn't blindsided. He RSVP'd, they booked the flight, but he hadn't gotten up the courage to call her and they were leaving tomorrow.

"You look like you're going to pass out," Kathy said to him as he finished shaving before bed.

"I'm fine," he muttered, pittering around, checking drawers, unable to sit still.

"You're not fine," Kathy said. "You're worried about going to the awards ceremony. Fin said it would be fine."

"Fin said it would be fine if I called her," Elliot admitted.

"You haven't?" Kathy said, perplexed.

"No, I haven't," he sighed. "I told you we haven't talked in 10 years and I meant it. Still do."

She sat cross-legged on the bed and stared at him.

"Is there more to this?" she asked him with a cocked eyebrow.

He wrung his hands a few times. Part of the problem with his job and his marriage is that he tried very hard to make sure the two never met. He never brought his cases home to Kathy and the kids (his moods, unfortunately, didn't follow that same pattern). And he tried to keep his personal life out of the cases as best he could. But this was Kathy and Liv. The two women he cared most about in the entire world, aside from his daughters and probably his mom, and the two of them just never meshed.

Kathy was always soft and sweet. Springtime flowers and sunshine. Olivia was smart and sassy. More like dusk and a fall breeze. And he loved them both. And for about 12 years, he got to have them both, until he had to make a choice. Do the honorable thing and stay with your family, or risk losing everyone he cared about.

Elliot was not a gambling man.

"When I RSVP'd they asked me to talk at her ceremony," Elliot said. "I turned them down. I'm not the right person to do that

"Why not?" Kathy asked. "You were partners for a large chunk of her career. You probably have some good stories to tell."

That's what concerned him. He had plenty of stories to tell. About the times they'd gone undercover as husband and wife, or hooker and client, in one case. About all the times she talked him down from beating up walls and nearly maiming perps for life because he was always just so damn angry. Maybe about the nights they'd stayed up all night during stakeouts flipping radio stations playing "Name that Tune" and talking about all the things they'd do if they weren't cops.

Or maybe he could tell the story about the day she got her throat slashed and fell to that train station floor and he knew that if he chose saving that kid over saving her and she died, he would have eaten his gun, no questions asked.

And that was why he couldn't get up in front of NYPD's finest after all this time and tell those stories. Because while everyone had always speculated, and some had outright asked, if they were more than partners, everybody would know. That entire room would know how he felt about her, about them. Still to this day, they could both say that they never crossed any legal or professional lines. He had never been unfaithful to his wife and she had never been the other woman, in the traditional sense of the word.

But that didn't mean that Kathy wasn't his sun, and Olivia wasn't his moon. Two women orbiting around him, one bringing him the greatest joys of his life in his children, and the other there to take on all his brooding intensity, reminding him that he was still a good man, still someone she trusted, respected, and believed in.

Except that was before he shot a victim, a teenager no less, then completely stopped talking to her.

"Nothing she'd probably want told in a room with all of her bosses," he said and tried to smile. "You know we didn't always follow protocol and she's a Captain now."

Kathy crossed her arms, and Elliot was afraid she'd interpreted "not following protocol" as cheating, not just going rogue and ignoring Cragan for a hunch.

"Then why don't you write her a letter," Kathy said. "Take the pressure off from speaking in front of other people."

"What am I going to say in a letter?" he asked.

"The truth," she said, climbing off the bed and going to her desk to retrieve paper, a pen, an envelope, and a book for him to write on.

She handed everything to him and got him settled back against the headboard, and all he did was stare at the blank page. What could he possibly say to Liv after all this time? Kathy had said to tell her the truth, but could he really do that with his wife sitting right next to him in their bed?

It felt like hours he sat there, pen poised but not writing any words.

"Do you need some help?" Kathy asked, touching his arm.

"I just don't want to say the wrong thing," he said. "Everything you could say to someone after not speaking for 10 years just sounds ridiculous."

"What if I got you started?" she asked.

"I guess that could help," he said, writing "Dear Olivia" at the top of the page.

"Congratulations on receiving this award," Kathy started. "I know you've always taken great pride in your career and it's wonderful to see all of your hard work recognized."

Elliot scribbled Kathy's words onto the page. They didn't feel quite right, not like him or them at all. Maybe they would get the rest of his ideas flowing. But once Kathy started she was on a roll.

"You've probably wondered where I've been the last 10 years. We moved to Italy and rarely return to New York. I'm only in town now to attend a meeting, and we'll be heading back soon."

Again, something about the language just felt… off. It didn't even sound like undercover Elliot, who'd said a lot of stupid shit over the years, but still, he let her press on. It was better than a blank page.

"Being apart all this time and being overseas has helped me realize something," Kathy said, and he was wondering just what it was Kathy thought he was supposed to have realized. She paused before continuing.

"What we had wasn't real," she said. "The partnership we thought so highly of was just two people so dedicated to their jobs they didn't leave room for anything else in their lives. When I was able to step away from the chaos, the daily death and horror, I realized that what was real was my family. And I knew it was them or the job."

Elliot scribbled her words onto the page but now this really didn't feel right. Was Kathy crazy? What they had wasn't real? The terror he felt when Gitano slashed her neck, when he thought Porter shot her, when he thought Bushido was going to take her up on the offer to watch, or worse, join their cover escapade? That all felt pretty real to him.

It occurred to him at that moment that Kathy either had absolutely no clue what their partnership was really like, or that this was a test. Maybe she was testing him to see if he would stop her, question her, or rewrite her words. She'd been looking to get him to confirm what she'd suspected for 12 years, their infidelity, and for 10, their lack of communication. If he pushed back, it'd cause a fight, so he just let her continue.

"And after I realized that, I saw what had been in front of us all along," she said. "We got in the way of each other being who and where we needed to be. You needed to step out on your own and make a name for yourself, and you've done a wonderful job of it. I needed to be with my family, to see my son grow up in all the ways I'd missed with my other children. We both needed to be who we really were, and that isn't something we could have done as partners."

Elliot was pretty sure that now, this was some kind of exercise in torture. While it's true, he did get to raise Eli, watch him grow into the great young man he is today, in a way he didn't get to do with his older four, he wouldn't have cut Olivia out of his life just to make it happen. And maybe she wouldn't have been able to blossom into a strong, fearless Captain if she'd stayed shackled to him, or maybe she would have chosen to do it anyway.

And yet, Kathy still wasn't done.

"I hope that you've found someone. If there's a man in your life, I hope he's the kind, faithful, devoted man you deserve."

It took everything Elliot had to copy those sentences. Because this part, at least, was not a lie. He hoped that if some guy ever realized just how wonderful Olivia was, how full her heart was and how deep her compassion ran, he'd treat her the way she deserved to be treated. Like the selfless savior she was to so many. And if he was being honest with himself, he knew he wasn't good enough to be that man, for Olivia or for Kathy. Because while he had been faithful, and overall kind, he hadn't been as devoted as he could have been. Because part of his heart had belonged to someone else for 23 years of their 37 year marriage.

"Best wishes on your future, and, once again, congratulations. Then you can just sign it and seal it," Kathy said. She leaned over to turn the light out and he thought she was going to bed, but she sat there and watched him, like she was waiting to see if he'd actually sign and seal it. Like she didn't trust that he wouldn't crumple up the paper and toss it in the trash can and write something completely different.

Maybe he should. But she was sitting, waiting and, watching.

This didn't feel right, none of it did. This isn't what he'd say to her if given the chance. But as his wife looked on, he knew he at least had to finish this letter, even if it never made it to her.

He bent over the paper to sign his name, blocking Kathy's view with his head. He needed to add just one more thing, and he didn't want her to see it. Right under the part about her devoted man, he added:

"But in a parallel universe, it will always be you and I."

It wasn't a great American novel, or a great love song. But it was the most authentic thing he'd written in the letter. She would know that. She would understand the same way he hoped she did when he sent her the mini badge, his medallion, and the Semper Fi note. She knew him, he knew her, and she would understand this.

He signed his name quickly, folded the paper and sealed up the envelope, scrawling her name on the front. He thought he'd accidentally toss it in the dumpster at the airport, or leave it on the plane. He wouldn't give it to her. And if he did, he'd tell her Kathy helped write it. She'd know. She'd understand.

Kathy leaned over and plucked it out of his hand and went over to their luggage.

"I'll just hold onto this so you don't lose it before we get to New York," she said, stuffing it in a compartment he couldn't even remember how to get to if he tried.

He could never read Kathy, but she could always read him. He was pretty sure this had been a test, and he'd passed it.

She kissed him goodnight and settled in, drifting off right away. But he didn't get a wink of sleep that night.

One Week Later

Elliot didn't know how in a week his entire world could come crashing down around him. Kathy was gone. Six feet under in the same cemetery as her parents in a plot they thought they'd end up leaving for Maureen and Carl if they never came back permanently from Italy.

Olivia was back in his life, and he'd hurt her. He could tell, seeing it in her eyes at the hospital that night. She'd said he was the single most important person in her life and then he disappeared. He'd tried to tell himself she was okay. All along told himself that he'd been the one to make most of it up in his head and that she was the one who thought it hadn't meant much.

He'd truly forgotten about this letter in all the madness. He found it by accident when he was looking for Kathy's passport in her luggage. He actually laughed when it fell to the floor, face up and he read Olivia's name.

He had half a mind to throw it away, but when he picked it up, something said he should give it to her. This is what Kathy wanted, wasn't it? For Elliot to be the devoted, faithful husband she'd mentioned in the letter? God knew he didn't do it enough when she was actually alive.

As he sat there, thinking about what they'd written, he convinced himself that Liv needed to read it. She looked so hurt at the hospital. At the funeral where she stood on the edge of their party mourning the loss of a woman she probably never really liked. Grieving for them, with them.

He told himself that it was at least full of half truths. He could confirm what she probably always felt, especially after he left, that their partnership was just a joint bout of fierce dedication to the job. She'd probably found that same connection with her next partner after him. And the part about holding each other back? He surely held her back from reaching her full potential. I mean, look at all the growth and progress she made in 10 years. Captain, a son, awards, her own squad. He would have stood in her way and taken her down with him.

And Fin had mentioned a serious relationship, probably her son's father. Out of everything Kathy had dictated for the letter, he hoped most that that part was true, that whoever she'd been with loved her unconditionally, though he wouldn't dare ask where that man was now.

Yes. He had to give it to her. Help her alleviate any guilt she'd harbored about his leaving. Their partnership ending. She needed closure, and out of all the selfish things he's done to her in the past, confirming what she probably already thinks herself is the right thing to do.

"Can we meet today? Have something for you," he texted her.

"My son and I are going to the park today. Meet us in an hour? I'll send you the address."

He put the letter in his coat pocket. This would either fix everything or blow it all to hell, and he honestly didn't know which choice, at this point, was better.

A/N: Almost certain this won't be the last post-trainwreck fic you get from me. We still have to process Olivia's side of things over here, but I haven't been able to do that yet. Reviews welcome!