The moment that oversized fur ball crashed the party, I felt a sensation tingling down my spine that told me that something was very wrong. Perhaps it was just my overdeveloped sense of paranoia. I had spent three years with nothing more dangerous than what Amberly calls a "vacation*" happening to me, and as such my nerves screaming that something horrible had to happen any moment.

So when Princess Russ stood up and started bellowing about greenskins, it was almost a relief. Well, it would ahve been, if I'd been surrounded by the professionals in the Imperial Guard. Instead, I was at a school full of children, and none of them, especially not the undisciplined and uncontrolled Russ. She unfortunately reminded me of General Sulla, always dashing off to do the most bloody insane stunt she could think of on the off chance it would be seen as brave and heroic.

And to think both women somehow think I taught that to them. Unbelievable.

Regardless, I had to think, and quickly. While running away on some pretext crossed my mind, there were a few problems with that. What people were not running about panicking at the thought of the Green Tide enveloping us were looking to me to provide leadership. Even that hulking mass of muscles Sandodes who had been one of the Empress's personal guard said, "WELL CAIN, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE FUN HAS COME TO US! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?"

The other problem was that there were Imperial Princesses with their lives on the line at that moment, and I could think of no surer way to sign my own death warrant than to leave my Glorious Overlord's children to die.

So once more, I found myself in command of desperate men and women in dire circumstances, with an unknown enemy of potentially vast strength before us, and very little in the way of materials or weapons to defend ourselves with.

"Sir?"

I turned to find Jurgen standing beside me, a somewhat rumpled but familiar item in his hands. "Your hat, Commissar."

Hands trembling slightly, I reached out to take the offered garment. I forced a jaunty grin on my face, and perched the hat of my former office atop my head. To my consternation, the air of the room seemed to visibly calm, with students and faculty alike looking at me and that damned hat like some sort of beacon of comfort and safety. Having worn a commissar's cap for far too many years, I can assure you that it is anything but.

"Right then." I turned to Horus and Russ, bowing slightly. "I am at your disposal, your Highnesses."

Horus straightened, a look of serene calm and command coming over her. I recognized it easily enough, and for a moment I half thought it was the Empress, not the Heir, who stood before me. But then Russ did a very un-Empress like thing, much to my horror.

"Thank you, Lord Commissar. As you are the most senior officer present, I place you in command of our forces. Such as they are. How shall we proceed?"

I glanced at Russ, but she snorted and shook her head. "Ah'll listen to yeh, Professor, but don't expect me tah bow and scrape like a lowlander."

I nodded as if I expected and welcomed this, my mind racing to think of a plan. Thankfully, this was actually a situation where a hasty retreat from danger was in fact not only the most prudent course of action, but also the one duty demanded. These were not combat troops, sent to repel a xenos invasion or conquer new territories, but children, most of them not even in the combat courses.

"Principal Malcador?" I called, and the man in question nodded to me. "Gather the students here with most of the professors, and head for the dorms. They're the easiest place to hold, and the first that rescuers will seek."

"Very good, Ciaphas, I'll see to it," Malcador agreed, and began directing the staff to round the students up and hurry them off to the dorms. I turned to Santodes next.

"Get yourself, Dean Celestine, and any of your students you think most ready for combat together. Get to the armory, and then back to the dorms to hold them."

"THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY GLORIOUS," the blond giant rumbled.

"We're not here for glory, we're here to save our students," I told the big man. He sighed and nodded.

"I SUPPOSE. WAMUUDES! KARSTODES! CUSTODISI! COME! LET US ACQUIRE ARMAMENTS THAT WE MIGHT SHOW THESE FILTHY XENOS THE MIGHT OF OUR QUIVERING ABS!"

The three lunkheads who seemed to aspire to all be mini-Santodes, though each of them were just as tall as I was and far more muscular, sprang from among the students, flipping through the air in a summersault. Somehow, as they did so, their shirts came off, and they landed about Santodes, flexing and grunting.

I turned my back on the homoerotic display, wondering if I had just sent three young men to their deaths with Santodes thrown in**.

"Jurgan, with me," I ordered, heading towards the door. I figured while everyone was distracted, I'd get a look at the orks and try to think up a plan that didn't involve me getting killed.

"Sir, I can help!" Kittenus cried, hurrying forward. "You know I've gotten top marks in tactics, strategy, and combat, I'm ready!"

I was just about to tell the young man no, absolutely not. If there was one thing I didn't need on a reconointer, it was a jumpy green recruit who was more likely to get himself and everyone with him killed than anything else. But that was when what felt like half a dozen young people all volunteered for suicide. It is as they say: Youth is wasted on the dumb.

"I shall accompany you with Kittenus," Horus said serenely. "We will have need of weapons."

That prompted Horus's new shadow Ezekyle to hurry up, which was frankly a disaster. I've rarely seen anyone more clumsy than that girl, but I also knew that trying to leave her behind was pointless if Horus was coming, and I couldn't bloody well refuse an Imperial Princess.

Russ, of course, was coming, which meant Logan was. Logan was normally level headed enough, if a bit reckless as most young people are, but I had a feeling Russ would turn her into a frothing berserker eager to prove her worth.

The last two volunteers were the most unexpected, but perhaps the most welcome.

"Shas'O, reporting for duty," Shaserra said, coming up to me and saluting. T'au style, fist to heart, though theirs is on the right side of their chest.

"I suppose you...humans...will need the help of someone who's actually fought orks before," Macha sniffed. Unlike everyone else, she happened to actually be prepared, pulling a witch blade out of what seemed like thin air.

Horus sneered at the aliens, but true to her word, she looked to me to take command.

"Right. I'm making you my second, Shas'O," I told the t'au woman. Unlike the rest of them, I knew she was a blooded warrior, and I had a healthy respect for the Fire Caste after having to fight them on more than one occation.

"What? A xenos in command over humans?!" Horus squawked.

I gave her a cool look. "A xenos who reached the rank of Shas'O, and who has experience fighting orks. And, from what I recall from her file, is an experienced infiltrator and scout."

Horus gritted her teeth, but nodded her ascent. "Very well. I trust your judgement, Lord Commissar."

Shaserra gave the princess a smug look, then said, "What are your orders, sir?"

"We need to move quickly. This squad is a big big, but all we have for weapons are my las pistol, a couple of blades, Jurgen's melta, and-"

"Excuse me, but I brought more."

I turned around to see a bland looking blond girl standing behind me. She was tugging a trolly ladened with what had to be an entire arms locker worth of lasguns and combat blades. I blinked in shock.

"And, er, who are you? Never mind, good work." I decided not to look a gift grox in the mouth, and hastily had my impromptu squad arm themselves.

"Right, let's get moving. We're just going to take a look: Do not engage. If anything, we'll employ hit and run tactics and try to draw the orks away from the dorms where the students are holding out," I said, hurrying out of the building. I wished I had on a flak jacket instead of my suit, but at least I'd had the foresight to bring my trustly las pistol with me.***

Of course, my plan was nearly immediately shot to hell when Russ sniffed the air not far from the banquet hall.

"Ah smell blood. There's fightin' up ahead, no mistake," she proclaimed.

"I sense many orks, but several odd presenses," Macha intoned, her hands passing before her in arcane gestures. "I think...I think there are princesses up ahead, three of them. They seem to be-"

"AH'M NOT LETTIN' ME OWN SISTERS GET FIRST BLOOD!" Russ immediately roared, and charged ahead, Logan and the wolf hot on her heels.

"DAMMIT IT ALL, SOLDIER, YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED! DON'T JUST-" I bellowed, but it was far too late. Russ was already making for the sounds of battle faster than I could move.

My first instinct was to bolt the other way, but letting Russ get herself killed, along with the other maniacs they call princesses, would have just ensured my fate was grimmer than anything a greenskin could think up.

I raised my las pistol and stated, "Well, it seems we shall be making a reconnaissance by force, then. On me."

You can only imagine my surprise when I found the orks not fighting the princesses, but cheering for them. The greenskins are a queer people, who seem to view violence as a means, end, and preferred form of communication. Despite a dozen dead orks on the ground and more wounded, they appeared to be positively delighted in their typical fashion at the eruption of violence.

While I wasn't surprised to see Russ laid out, I was rather shocked to see who had done it. The second largest woman I had ever seen, behind only her mother as I would come to find out, was standing over Russ and smiling. Her skin was as dark as you would expect someone from the blasted hellscape of Nocturn to be, but her smile was bright, and her exuberance matched only by her orky companions.

Not sure what else to do, I cried out in my most commanding voice, "Freeze, Xenos scum!"

"Der is no need, we are all friends here!" the large woman proclaimed.

"No one who consorts with greenskins is a friend of mine," Horus snapped, raising her own pistol and pointing it at the stranger.

"Horus, wait! That's Vulkan!" Fulgrim cried. For someone who had just been in a battle, she looked rather more like she was still planning on attending the canceled dance, with nary a hair out of place nor rumple in her skirts.

I didn't know who this Vulkan was, but Horus apparently did, as she appeared as though she'd just bit into a particularly bitter lemon.

"Ah, you are Horus? We are going to be friends!" Vulkan proclaimed, taking a step forward, arms spread wide.

"Now wait just a-" I began, and foolishly stepped between Vulkan and her target. Little did I know, that just made me the new victim. I had a brief window of opportunity to shoot the woman, but thankfully my self preservation instincts kicked in just in time to prevent me from sealing my own fate.

To say that Vulkan's hugs are bone crushing does them a disservice. I strongly believe the woman could hug a Baneblade to death. I had the air squeezed out of my lungs as she wrapped her arms about me.

"Hello, new friend! I am Vulkan! It is good to meet you!"

I managed to wheeze something sufficiently friendly I suppose, because then Vulkan dropped me. Jurgan stepped forward, his melta raised, as he took it as a personal offense that someone would violate his commissars personal space aside from himself.

And Empress be good, Vulkan hugged Jurgen too. "Hello, smelly friend! It is good to meet you!"

Jurgan immediately collapsed and curled up into a ball at the sudden violent human contact. His eyes looked slightly glazed, and I thought at first Vulkan had crushed his ribs. Then I saw the motions his hands were making, and realized that Vulkan had pressed Jurgan right into her rather impressive assets. It was probably the closest he'd ever been to a woman's breasts since he'd been weaned, and I am fairly certain he rather enjoyed the experience. Even a Blank likes to be hugged once in a while.

"Wait, what are you-" Kittenus protested, but then let out a sound remarkably like that of a squeaky toy as Vulkan hugged him as well.

"Hello! I am Vulkan! Who are you?"

"K-Kittenus," the boy rasped. "A-are you….are you the princess?"

"I am a princess! I did not know dis, but my motha came and told me! I am very excited, I shall make lots of friends as a princess!"

It was hugs all around, even for a very flustered Macha and perplexed Shaserra, who assured Vulkan they would indeed be friends. Horus actually managed to return the hug, even looking somewhat affectionate.

"Sister, we shall have to discuss making friends with the right people," she gasped when she was let go.

"Oh, that is easy! We shall all be friends! Dat way, everyone is da right people!" Vulkan laughed. Then she turned and smiled. "I have been bringing a present for all of you! Do you like presents?"

"Ah hawp tis a body poke, fur a'm aff tae damn weel murdurr ye, then thae orks," Russ snarled, getting to her feet with Logan's help. Bjorn the wolf stepped forward, growling menacingly. Well, he tried, but Vulkan noticed.

"A PUPPY!" Vulkan squealed. It's rather disconcerting seeing a woman that large, a full 230cm, to act exactly like a little girl, but Vulkan can manage it. She bounded forward, making Bjorn yip in anger and Russ take a step back in shock. Only for Vulkan to kneel and extend a hand forward. "Boop!"

Her finger pressed Bjorn's nose, which made the wolf sneeze in surprise.

"Who is a good boy?" Vulkan asked, affectionately rubbing Bjorn's head. "You are! Yes you are!"

Despite himself, Bjorn's tail began to thump excitedly, and he licked at Vulkan's hand.

"Whit urr ye daein' tae mah wolf?" Russ raged, recovering herself and surging forward. "He's nae a dug, he's a proper beastie!"

"What he is is a handsome man, right?" Vulkan crooned.

Bjorn barked, excitedly nipping at Vulkan's fingers.

"But I have not forgotten you!" Vulkan laughed, surging to her feet.

"Titch me again 'n' ah cut yer haun aff," Russ snapped.

Vulkan sighed. "We will practice de hugs latah. Dey be very important for making friends!" Then she stood, turning and grinning. "Also, I brought de friends I met! This is KWAAAAGH!"

"KWAAAAAGH!" the orks bellowed happily.

"We will be making music together! For all my new friends at the Imperial Academy!" Vulkan proclaimed.

"Wait, youz was dead," the largest ork, a big female with a mechanical arm and hair that had been dyed purple. "Iz youz still da boss?"

She didn't appear to be one of the more combat oriented orks. Contrary to popular belief, the orks do particake in hobbies besides fighting. There are "Speed Boyz" who are obsessed with cars, racing, and going as fast as orkily possible, Diggahz, who are singularly focused on digging as deeply as possible in the pursuit of "flash," their word for mineral wealth, and of course, this brand of ork: Punkz. While they claim to be obcessed with music, the reality is they are hell bent on making as loud a racket as physically possible and while not as immediately as dangerous as your standard boy, are murder on one's hearing.

"I am still de biggest one! So I am boss, yes?" Vulkan laughed.

The orkette sighed. "Yes, boss. Roit! Boyz, boss says she wants a show, so wez putin' on a show! Get dem speekahz and instruments set up! We gotz to get da flash for da show too! I wants lots a burnin'!"

"KAWAAAAGH!" the orks screamed, and picked up boxes of equipment and raced forward.

"Are we...are you planning on just letting these xenos have their way?" Horus demanded of me.

I looked about, then sighed and turned to her. "Your highness, I count at least a thousand orks. Help can't be here from Terra in enough time to prevent them from causing a great deal of havoc if we attempt to stop them. And it doesn't take much for an ork to go from deciding they could have the most fun putting on a show to burning down a campus."

Horus chewed on that for a moment, then spat out, "Fine. I am placing YOU in charge of this, Commissar Cain. Seeing as you have the most experience with these vile beasts."

Then she turned and stalked away, leaving me with the bag.

I'd survived the encounter, but I had a sinking feeling my latest semester at the Imperial Academy was only going to get more stressful and dangerous from here.****

Inquisitor Veil's Notes

*It's not every day you get to spend a week in tropical Catachan. Some people would actually call it a vacation, aside from the Barking Toads. I didn't even know about the genestealer cult there until we found it. I was just strongly suspicious.

**We should be so fortunate. The same luck that seems to follow Cain has given that moron a triple blessing. I don't know how many times that fool should have been killed. If Santodes were not one of the most effective warriors I'd ever met, I would have had him executed for idiocy. As it was, retiring him to the Imperial Academy was the best way to keep him from getting more people killed with his antics.

***Hardly. The man sleeps with the thing. I should know.

****It's almost as though Cain could hear a certain red skinned maniac cackling from there.