After a day of cleanup and rest, things were mostly back to normal for the Imperial Academy*, or so I thought. Having a load of orks show up, even Punkz, is disruptive to any routine. Still, Princess Phoebe and Princess Dorn got things organized and cleaned up in record time, while I spent the day catching up on paperwork.
And dodging the damn greenskins looking to pick a fight with me. Human fans are bad enough, but orks seem to think the best way to greet a Hero of the Imperium is to challenge them to a fight on the spot.
The next day, I had tactics class first thing in the morning. I was expecting a bit of a change, with not only Vulkan and Dorn joining my group, but the two xenos foreign students as well.
What I did not expect to find was an ork who had dipped themselves in purple paint sitting in the front row of my class. I blinked, pausing and looking to Vulkan who was sitting beside the ork. "Ms. Vulkan, can you please explain to me what an ork is doing in my class, halfway through the first semester?"
"Iz not an ork. Iz a 'umie," the ork answered.
"Dis is my friend! She be stayin' in dis class wit us," Vulkan said cheerily.
More students were filing in, and many of them were pausing and staring at the ork woman. If I recalled correctly, she had been the leader of the Punkz, and the main singer in KAWAAAGH! I rubbed the bridge of my nose, deciding it was far too early and I hadn't had enough coffee yet to be dealing with this.
"There are no orks admitted at the Imperial Acadamy. And last I checked, Ms. Gorgutz, you are, in fact, an ork."
"I iz purple," the ork stated with feeling.
I blinked in confusion. "Yes, I don't quite see what this has to do with anything…"
"Have ya eva seen a purple ork before?" Gorgutz demanded.
I paused, considering my response. "No…" I finally managed. "Ordinarily, an ork would be green. However-"
"Der, ya see ya git? Oi's purple. Dat means oi ain't an ork," Gorgutz said proudly.
I was about to suggest that I take Gorgutz outside and have Jurgen hose her off and THEN we would see what sort of color she was, when Vulkan cleared her throat. "Gorgutz be my personal assistant, Professah Cain. She be stayin' and learnin' wit me."
"Oi'z dead cunnin' ya see," Gorgutz explained, tapping her temple with an index finger. She managed to wipe away a bit of the paint, exposing green hues beneath. "You're da grot wot krumped Warboss Forktruckz wit da blue boys, and ya krumped Warboss Gargash. Iffin a 'umie can be as dead 'ard 'n killy as you, den iffin oi'z gonna be da most cunnin' and brutal o' all da orks, oi should learn how a sneaky git like you managed it."
My eyebrows rose at this little speech. For an ork, this line of reasoning was shockingly cognizant. It was based on rather false premises of course.
"Well, I can hardly take credit for Warboss Forktruckz, that was more the doing of Shas'O'Shova," I protested
"I disagree, Professor," Shaserra put in most unhelpfully. "My brother has told me the tale: you saved his life, and that of Aun'Shi with your heroic actions against Forktruckz."
"Your brother was the one who struck the final blow, not I," I said, feeling slightly exasperated. Even the damn orks and tau were now exaggerating my legend to idiotic proportions.
"Only after you dueled and wounded the warboss was he able to exploit an opening. It was a masterful duel; he has seen you are the only human aside from the Empress herself he would not wish to duel one on one," Shaserra said.
Of course, the entire class was now listening with rapt attention to the discussion, hanging on every word. Half the young idiots had grown up watching that horrific butchering of my life they called a vid series**. That damned theme song plays during my worst nightmares. Hero of the Imperium indeed.
Anyway, they were all here to see the legendary hero in action, and it was hell to have to maintain the charade of my reputation. Even when I tried to protest and tell the truth everyone attempted to explain it away as me being overly humble.
"Look, you're not enrolled in the school, and I don't have you on my roster," I said in exasperation. "We don't have any orks in this class!"
"Oi iz in da class, and oi iz not an ork," Gorgutz repeated. "Oi iz-"
"Purple, yes. But, explain to me, when was the last time you saw a purple human?" I demanded
Which was when the figure who would haunt my dreams for the rest of my days kicked my door in with a bellow of;
"BEHOLD! THE FOREMOST GENIUS OF PROSPERO HAS ARRIVED!"
Amberly's Notes:
*It's adorable that Cain thinks things were ever going to be normal with the Imperial Princesses there. I would have warned him better, but he always seems to operate best when he draws his own conclusions.
**While admittedly not of the highest quality, I do adore that series. I still chat occasionally with the actress they got to play me, though obviously we had to censor some of my involvement.
While Russ wasn't usually a big fan of orks, having spent a good portion of her time coming to power fighting them, she had to admit she rather liked Gorgutz if only for her chutzpah. It took a big pair of brass knockers to tell Ciaphas Cain a lie straight to his face. Plus, if she kept this up, Gorgutz might actually manage to get class canceled for the day by arguing straight through it, and Russ could just take a nap.
Her dreams of dreaming were rudely interrupted when someone quiet literally kicked open the door and started screaming about some daft nonsense.
Opening one eye, Russ looked up to regard the stranger as she strode down the steps towards the stage at the center of the classroom, pontificating as she went.
"Aftair eons of waiteng, la time 'as come fair mé to réveahl myself, and fair mon powair to rein supreme ovair zis acadamy!"
"Bloody hell, you're red," Russ said with a laugh. "Oi, Professor, I think Gorgutz might just have seen her red human."
The newcomer was indeed about the same shade as a sunset, with hair that was a slightly lighter shade of crimson. She also appeared to be missing an eye, as she had a scarlet eyepatch over her right eye. Her clothing was not even close to the school uniform, consisting of the traditional Prosperan Kalairis; a long white robe with a rainbow colored belt and sash, with more rainbow colored cloth connecting from the tunic to the sleeve. She also bore a golden staff with an ankh atop it, set with a glowing red gem.
Upon hearing Russ' remark, the girl slowly turned, drawing herself up and flaring her nostrils. It was rather amusing, as she would have barely come up to Russ' shoulder.
"Have you not 'aird of ze lejend, strangair? Of lé mystic might of Propairo, and of ze mystairious archmaje who stands watch ovair la great pyramids, gazeng into la void, et unraveléng ze secrets of creashe-on itself!"
"I've heard that the sand-kissers are a bunch of stuck up looneys who think they've got pointy ears and naught between their ears but wax," Russ sneered.
"Pah! A maire aéldari eez non match fair le incredibuhl arcane might at mon disposal! Evén Eldrad Ulthran 'imself wishés to comé and lairn from me, fair ai am-"
There was a loud snort, then only mildly stifled giggles. The red girl slowly turned around, to see Macha sneering and laughing at her. "Oh please, do go on. Father always wanted a pet monkey."
Somehow, the girl went an even brighter shade of Crimson than before, but despite her obvious embarrassment, just didn't seem to know how to stop.
"Ah-ha! Ai see a challengair wishes to test me een a duel of mystic et mythic propairshe-ons! Preparé yurself, aeldari, fair yur witchcraft eez non match la abilitees of le archmajé of Prospairo!"
She raised her staff, which to Russ's faint amusement started to glow brightly. Shockingly, Macha jumped up and actually seemed to be taking it seriously, until she looked behind the intruder and relaxed slightly.
"Oh-ho! Do you fair to test me, witch? Ai shall show you le true might of-"
There was a loud smack, and Russ laughed out loud as the annoying stranger let out a yelp, ducking and covering her head as Ciaphas Cain held a threatening rolled up syllabus over her head.
"Alright, that's enough of zat. I've got xenos comeng oot of mon airs, and now ai 'avé a deluded middle schoulair wiv a sunburn," Cain growled.
"AI AM NOT SHAIRT!" the girl snarled, raising her staff in a warding gesture and backing away. "And 'ow dare you strik me! Ai am an Impairial Princez!"
Russ let out a snort. Of course she was.
"Do you dare questshe-on me, you ungruhmed barbarian?!" the girl snarled, whirling on Russ.
Slowly, Russ got to her feet, grinning down at the much smaller girl. "I think I've had bigger shits than you, little girl. I don't recall the Golden Harriden dropping any of her brood in vat of dye either."
"Russ, please, she 'asn't evén introducéd hairself. Let's just all set-tell down and figure oot what's goeng on zo class can resumé," Kittenus cried, hurrying up to try to diffuse the situation.
"Oh I can put the little girl in a headlock until we find a babysitter for her," Russ chuckled.
The red girl drew herself up. "Do you doubt mon powair, mairtal?"
"Oh I don't doubt you're powerfully irritating." Russ reached out to grab the girl and pick her up by the scruff of her neck. She ignored the raised staff, which had begun to glow once more.
That was when what felt like an enormous hand picked up Russ and slammed her into the far wall. She hung their, breath driven out of her, slightly dazed as she hear a voice proclaim:
"BEHOLD! I AM MAGNUS THE RED, IMPERIAL PRINCESS AND FOREMOST GENIUS OF PROSPERO!"
I am bloody well going to kill that red bitch, Russ decided as she slid down the wall.