WARNINGS: Beginnings of self-harm!

I'm going to work on 'Call Me... Deku' today I think! Well, that's the plan anyway lol I'll also try to get something else posted this week if possible!

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What Heroes Would Choose

Chapter 8

"Damnit Shoto!" Bakugo shouted, "Slow the fuck down!"

But Todoroki didn't, he kept running as fast as his legs could carry him away from where Izuku had broken down in front of them. He couldn't handle it. He left a trail of ice and hot melted footprints behind him as he tore across streets and yards.

Katsuki growled and sent larger explosions from his hands, propelling him forward until he tackled Shoto to the ground. He didn't even realize they'd ended up in the same park that he and Midoriya had often played in as a child.

They struggled together for several minutes, uncaring how much noise or mess they made in the deserted park; it had been condemned years ago anyway. Eventually, though, they both ran out of steam, already weakened from lack of sleep, poor eating habits, and the injuries they'd given each other.

Todoroki rolled off Bakugo and laid on his back next to him, panting hard. "D-did you s-see hi… his e-eyes?" he choked out. It was all he could think about, burning into his mind like a brand. When he had been a captive, he'd thought that the worst thing in the world would be seeing Deku's dead eyes staring back at him.

But now he knew he was wrong. So, so wrong.

Midoriya's eyes were broken, devastated, empty. If that alone wasn't enough to completely tear him down, knowing it was his own fault was. He and Bakugo had done terrible things to Izuku and the boy had been fragile when they'd seen him in the hospital, but now he'd completely fallen apart.

Todoroki started to cry, realizing too late that he and Bakugo had made a terrible mistake by ignoring Midoriya. If they'd just tried to be around him sooner, then they would have seen how desperate he was and maybe could have done something to help. Even Shinso had done more than them.

"Of course I fucking did!" Katsuki snapped, rubbing his own face as his red orbs also bristled with tears. "I was fucking wrong, okay? We should have fucking been there for him..."

Shoto nodded weakly, going completely limp when Bakugo pulled him into his strong chest, accepting the warmth and comfort it offered him. He wanted to go back again; he wanted to know how deeply Midoriya's wounds went and how to soothe them as Shinso had.

Katsuki whimpered and sniffled, squeezing Todoroki more tightly. "We have to go back…" he stated as if reading the teen's mind. It seemed like he'd been doing that a lot recently. "We have to go back and we have to talk to that fucking brainwashing douche too."

Shoto nodded again, his mind haunting him with everything that could, and probably would, go wrong. Even more than that though, was the shame and guilt he felt from the few minutes he'd spent at Midoriya's apartment. "Katsuki… What if he doesn't want to see us again?"

Bakugo didn't respond because he honestly didn't know. He'd be devastated if Midoriya refused to see him, and he knew Todoroki would feel the same. As they laid tangled up together, crying and trembling in the dirt, they both had to wonder: 'Is this the way Midoriya felt when we refused to see him?'

Midoriya sat quietly at the creek's edge, alone. Shinso had left his apartment about an hour after the incident with Bakugo and Todoroki, making him promise to text him if he needed anything. But this time he didn't.

He'd told his mother that he was going to spend the night with Hitoshi since his room was under construction. It was the very first time he'd outright lied to her with selfish intent. His usual fibs surrounded his quirk's origin, or were simply to keep her from worrying... but not this time.

Izuku felt empty now except for the usual emotions he endured from his time in captivity, so the guilt he felt from being dishonest was barely evident when compared to everything else. He had slipped off to his and Hitoshi's special area to try and elicit something other than the emptiness, shame, and even rage that had swallowed him.

But after hours of being there, he hadn't experienced the calmness that the serene wilderness usually provided. In fact, the only thing that had happened was him dwelling on how Bakugo and Todoroki had looked at him when he'd lost control. How they'd run from him like they couldn't stand to be in his presence anymore.

"Hitoshi cares though… He understands…" he muttered to himself, trying to convince his own mind that someone wasn't put off by his slow recovery.

His mother, All Might, Recovery Girl, Iida, Ochaco… to Izuku, everyone treated him the same way—like he was damaged, broken, ruined. They showered him in pity-filled glances and barely concealed questions about when he would be 'better'… whatever that meant.

Why was he never good enough? Why did it never matter how hard he tried?

Shinso pitied him too, even if he was less obvious about it. But still, putting all of his insecurities and perceived failures on the teen was making Midoriya feel even worse now that he knew just how much his behavior impacted others. Bakugo and Todoroki had literally run out of his building; he didn't think it was that far of a stretch to believe that Shinso was being negatively affected by his trauma too.

"He understands. Hitoshi understands and cares. But this isn't right! I… I'm using him… He comes running whenever I text and then I take up all of his free time with panic attacks and crying!" he wailed, starting to rock by and forth and yank of his hair.

Midoriya could feel another panic attack coming on, his chest becoming almost unbearably tight without anyone around to talk him through it. He rolled to his knees, grasping at his lungs with one hand and fisting the ground with the other.

Then all at once, a sharp pain ripped into his palm and he paused. He felt the terrible squeezing sensation unwind, his breath coming back to him slowly but surely as his fear receded. Midoriya squeezed his hand again, hissing at the sensation but finding that it brought him even more relief.

After a few more minutes of making sure that he wasn't in danger of losing it anymore, he sat back, lifting his hand up to examine it in the moonlight. There was a rock embedded deep into his flesh, and blood seeping from around the wound.

In his younger years, middle school specifically, he'd often visited sites that talked about depression and therefore knew about 'self-harm'. Although he was truly affected by being quirkless and constantly bullied, he'd only ever thought of the act as an unhealthy way of dealing with problems. But now, it seemed like the only option left other than suicide.

The pain, along with the blood dripping down his forearm to the ground made him feel so much better. It was like the shame, the anger, even the numbness slid right out of his body along with it and ebbed away. He felt in control for the first time since he'd been captured; the knowledge that he could make himself feel better without having to rely on Shinso or anyone else was liberating.

Slowly, Midoriya pulled the rock from his hand and tossed it away. "I need to get a razor or something… can't have an infection or someone will notice…" he murmured, but soon let out a hollow laugh. "No, they… they probably wouldn't…"

~The Next Day~

Todoroki and Bakugo looked absolutely terrible, even more so than they had in the weeks following being released from the League of Villains. In fact, they'd both gotten so little sleep that even Aizawa had given them a double-take and didn't bother either student when they blatantly ignored his teaching.

When the bell rang for lunch, they glanced at each other with dread, trying to pull strength from the other that neither had to give. The plan was to go and find Shinso and ask to sit with him so that they could get the inside scoop on Midoriya.

As they slunk to the cafeteria, Bakugo moved closer to Todoroki, the only thing stopping him from actually grabbing the teen's arm for comfort was knowing that anyone could see them and make a big fuss over it.

"He's over there…" Todoroki whispered, nodding his head to a very isolated part of the room. Shinso often sat alone, only begrudgingly joining others when Midoriya begged. Since their abduction the brainwashing teen had shrugged off Izuku's friends repeatedly, choosing to go back to his usual reclusiveness.

Bakugo nodded and took the lead, very much aware of how Todoroki's right side was emanating coldness. "Go get us some food icy-hot. I'll go test the waters."

"Why you? You're too abrasive and he still hates you from your little rant before our first sports festival." Todoroki responded, secretly very happy about not having to start a conversation he knew he wasn't ready for.

"Because dumbass. You're rich and you'd end up just staring at each other until I got there anyway. Fucking pair of barely function mutes…" Bakugo explained, waving the teen off to stomp over.

His stomach twisted painfully with nerves as he approached, his hands just one bad thought away from going off. But he didn't want to draw more attention to himself than was necessary, so he pulled out the chair across from Shinso and sat down quietly.

Hitoshi didn't look surprised though, more annoyed than anything else. "Bakugo… come to call me an extra again?" he asked, knowing full well that wasn't the case.

"Shut the fuck up. Wait, shit. No… I mean… Tell me—us about Deku." Katsuki ordered, his hands gripping his pants tightly. Todoroki hurried over with their food, sitting down as well with his right side near Bakugo.

Hitoshi looked between the two anxious teens, taking his time to eat another bite of his plain rice with an agonizing pause. "Well, Deku's real name is Izuku Midoriya, he's sixteen going on seventeen now. Short compared to some, but I'm not exactly sure about the actual height. His favorite food is Katsudon and—"

Bakugo cut him off with a vicious snarl, his hands only not exploding because Todoroki had frozen the sweat with only a second to spare.

"That's not what we meant and you know that, Shinso. We are asking you to tell us how he is doing." Shoto clarified, though his own voice was tense with irritation as well. He'd never been very good at reading people or situations, but even he could tell that the teen was fucking with them.

Shinso examined them some more over the edge of his milk carton, not at all phased by how angry he was making the two. He didn't blame them for what had transpired at the villain's hideout, and he couldn't honestly say he'd behave any differently after being forced to do what they did.

But still, he'd spent an hour trying to calm Midoriya down the day before because of their actions. They'd shown up after weeks of blatant avoidance only to upset him and then run off. For that, he was pissed at them and had no qualms about getting a little payback.

"May I ask why the sudden interest in his wellbeing?" Shinso finally responded.

"We've always fucking cared you zombie bastard! Don't you dare try to say we don't!" Bakugo snapped, raising out of his chair some before Todoroki yanked him back down.

"I don't remember saying that you didn't… Just wondering why you want to know now. Could it be because you were watching him and me the other night?" Hitoshi continued, smirking some when the two shifted awkwardly.

Todoroki opened his mouth to say something but quickly snapped it shut when Shinso turned to look him in the eyes, suddenly feeling extremely exposed under the teen's unwavering gaze. He slipped his hand over to Bakugo's, giving it a squeeze for him to help somehow.

But Katsuki didn't have anything to say either. He and Shoto had seen Shinso catch them watching Izuku's door, but they didn't think he'd bring it up. Todoroki's hand was frigid in his own, successfully keeping his sweating down but almost crushing his fingers.

"Ah… so are you two a couple now?" Hitoshi asked, his attention flickering to where the boy's arms had met beneath the table.

"No!" they both replied quickly, yanking away from each other and scooting sideways.

Shinso licked the front of his teeth, making a sucking noise. He clearly wasn't convinced and that just made the two even more flustered. "So, you take comfort in each other then?" he offered instead, waiting patiently as they looked at each other and then back to him, nodding.

Hitoshi packed up his mostly eaten lunch slowly, somewhat enjoying dragging out their dysfunctional conversation about things he'd already promised Midoriya not to speak about. He could feel Bakugo's and Todoroki's eyes boring into him expectantly.

He sighed, letting out a humorless chuckle. "Look, Izuku's told me his version of what went down after Shigaraki captured you three, so I'm glad that you two are helping each other through the emotional shitstorm he hit you with. But you all left him to fend for himself, even when he repeatedly reached out for your help… He's struggling right now, as I'm sure you noticed, so I'm not going to break the trust I've barely built with him just because you assholes finally figured out what you should have done weeks ago."

Bakugo let out a sound that was close to a whimper and lowered his usually proud head, Shinso's words drilling deep into his heart like painful daggers. Todoroki was equally as tormented, his two-colored eyes burning with tears.

Hitoshi stood to leave, stepping away from his chair just as Shoto's near-strangled voice met his ears. "Does he not want us to come by anymore? Would he feel better if we kept away?"

Shinso blew out air from his nose and thumbed his tray as he thought. He truly did not know what would make Izuku feel better anymore. Every time he thought they made progress something happened to cause him to revert back to his initial state of self-loathing, such as the wall incident just a few days ago.

Seeing Bakugo and Todoroki, especially when one straight up panicked and ran away causing the other to chase after him, had really shaken Midoriya up. Shinso could tell as he left the small apartment that the mossy-haired teen was definitely NOT alright, but he'd clamped up and refused any assistance.

"I… I don't know… I don't have answers to those questions."

Todoroki and Bakugo looked down at their untouched food, too despaired to say anything once again.

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Thank you for reading! Please let me read your thoughts!