a/n: not my best work, but reading bad books have given me a boost of confidence in my own stuff.
Also please note: this chapter takes place after events in my other piece 'Crystalline', so you may want to read that before you start this one so things make a bit more sense :)
Notes/warnings: this chapter features drinking, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and heavy angst. Please proceed with caution and an open mind.
as always, enjoy the angst. I'm going back to working on heluva boss stuff now and then get some serious sleep in.
Chapter 12: Lichen for Solitude
Gin left the house as quietly as he came in, having done all his screaming and crying inside behind closed doors. Already having picked himself up and put himself back together as best he could. Having wrought his carnage and smashed several things that used to be of importance in the process. And burnt up half the living room wall in his fit of wrath. Something to say to Sousuke 'I was here'. It paled in comparison to the damage Sousuke had done to him, but Gin believed it better than nothing. Screw being the bigger person. Gin was perfectly justified in his feelings and destructive actions. Besides, they made the weight he was carrying in his chest that little bit lighter for it. That had to be a good thing.
He walked down the path and through the town back to Ran's place, carrying his box full of stuff. Who'd have thought it? His whole life in one small box. His pockets empty. The keys to his old home already shoved safely back in through the letterbox after he'd locked up so he wouldn't be tempted to go back. Not that he wanted to right now, though. Right now he never wanted to set foot in that house ever again. Or see the ghosts within it.
He let out a heavy, if somewhat shaky sigh. Looked like this was it. His whole damn life in one small box in his burned hands. Light enough to carry under one arm if he wanted to. Not much to show for almost a decade. He gripped it tighter, even though his hands stung. The burns a small price to pay for nearly burning the house down. His kidou spell gone awry. He wished he was more skilled at the discipline; then the house would just be a pile of ash. But as it was, he wasn't that good and it was probably for the best Aizen had a house to come back to.
The pain kept him grounded. Tied him to reality. He kept his tired eyes out for Cherry as he made his way back. She was nowhere to be seen in the house before he left and locked up, so it was safe to assume she wasn't locked inside. She'd probably run off back to Ran's place. Not that he blamed her. He'd been told by a great many people he could be quite frightening when angered. A wrathful dragon when woken too early. It might've made him smile if he weren't so sad.
Poor baby... I'll have some reassurin' to do when I see her again.
His flower dictionary was also nowhere to be found, though he hunted high and low for it when the rage had passed. Probably for the best, he told himself. Better I never see that blasted thing again anyway.
That thought made him sad, too.
Better get a new phone while I'm at it, too, so the bastard can't call me again.
He glanced at the cellular phone in the box, switched off for now and silent, but he knew the minute he turned it on again it would just be constantly pinging with texts, voicemails and missed calls. All things he could do without right now. The photos will be the worst though. All those happy memories stored safely away. My background. My lockscreen.
His chest hurt again at the thought, though he knew he couldn't keep it switched off forever. He'd have to face the music eventually. But right now he just couldn't. Call him a coward, but right now the wound was still raw and freshly salted. He would face the music eventally – but it was not today. Tomorrow didn't look good either.
. . .
He didn't want to talk when he got back to Ran's, and he was grateful she kept her distance this time and let him unpack his life in peace. There wasn't much to unpack, so it didn't take long. When he was done, he dug out his music player and selected the angriest song in his library. Anything to keep his mind from drifting off to better times with the man who'd betrayed him so wholly.
. . .
He must've fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew Ran was gently shaking him awake and saying dinner was ready. Gin groaned and pried his eyes open, forcing his body to get up and move. It helped that his stomach was growling, and that the lure of cooked food was quietly enticing him from the guest room to join the others.
"Did you get everything you needed?" Ran asked gently over dinner. A roast chicken affair. No stew in sight, mercifully.
"Yep, got everythin'. Even shoved me keys back through the letterbox so I can't go back."
She nodded her approval at that. "Good. Maybe that cheating prick will get the message."
Gin said nothing. That he done Fucked Up? Yeh, he already got that message. But he'll still hope I'll come back. In a way, I do too.
"Sorry I couldn't find me flower dictionary for ya though, Ran," he said after a few moments. When the silence grew too much. He was always like this. Always wanting to fill up awkward silences with chatter. A trait not even Aizen had managed to cull. Though it was less obvious now he'd aged.
She waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, it's quite alright, gin. Don't worry about it."
He smiled softly across the table at her, and then returned to his dinner.
. . .
Rangiku sighed heavily as she lay in bed with Shuuhei that night. Heavy thoughts on her mind.
"Do you think I should tell him about the dictionary?" she asked her lover.
"Probably not," Shuuhei answered. "At least, not right now. Cherry brought it to you for a reason, probably to keep it safe. You should hold onto it for now."
"Hmm."
Rangiku thought about it for a few long moments, remembering how the little fox had come home in such a hurry, flower dictionary in her mouth, frightened and anxious. Pawing her until she took the book. In fact, Cherry hadn't rested until she saw it safely tucked away inside the drawer of Rangiku's bedside table. After that, she'd calmed down considerably. She knew something must've happened at the house for Cherry to do this, but she didn't want to open up gin's wound again – not when he was slowly starting to heal.
"You're right," she said finally, "I'll keep hold of it for now, and if Gin changes his mind, I'll give it him back."
Shuuhei gave her a quick kiss. "sounds like a good plan. G'night, babe."
She gave him a soft smile in return. "Goodnight, Shuu."
. . .
It wasn't until the sun was well up that Gin woke. Slowly creaking his eyes open to face the world. Well, a small portion of the world, anyway. He lingered in those few blessed moments before he remembered why he was holed up in Ran's guest room.
He grimaced. You'd think after a few days he'd be used to the memories suckerpunching him in the gut by now. But his body seemed to have other ideas. Gin just wished it'd get a fucking grip. But he consoled himself with thoughts of Sou... Aizen – coming home to a broken home and a scorched wall. A floor littered with shattered photographs. His keys on the floor by the door. The man himself absolutely fucking miserable without him.
If only because the thought of Aizen being happier without him would've broken him. And it was hard enough already just treading water to keep afloat. Harder still just to breathe. He had to believe Aizen was equally miserable, or else he would just collapse under the weight of his own misery. Drown in the icy sea of despair.
Gin shook his head, forcing the alternative scenarios away. Drawing his attention to Cherry, who was snoring away on his chest. Gin smiled at her and very gently stroked her head.
"Hey, Che-Che."
She sighed heavily, content to just lie on him. He was content to let her. At least for a few more minutes before he got up. He looked for his music player - still playing its tunes – and switched to something more relaxing as he put the earphones in. soon, he told himself, soon he''d go back to work and face that awful man and the terrible music. But for now, he'd enjoy his morning with Cherry.
. . .
He announced his plan over dinner.
"You're going back?" Ran asked.
"Gotta eventually," Gin shrugged. "May as well go sooner than later, 'fore it gets too hard to."
Ran seemed nervous, but she swallowed and nodded. "When will you go?"
"Few weeks. Enough time fer the bastard t'stew in it."
"Sounds good. Just... are you sure you're ready? It'll be hard..."
"Be harder if I leave it," Gin answered. "Best get it over with sooner than later."
She sighed softly. "Alright. If you're sure."
"I am," Gin told her, meeting her gaze. It was the first time he'd lied to her face so easily. Gin would never be ready to see him again, and no amount of waiting would change that. As much as he wanted it, it wasn't going to happen.
He just hoped the feeling was mutual when it came to Sousuke. But he'd soon find that out.
"But remember, we've got you, okay?" Suuhei added.
Gin smiled, nodded graciously as he could manage. "I will. Thanks."
. . .
Sousuke didn't see Gin for several weeks. Not a long stretch of time by any means, but long enough. Enough time to make him realise just how badly he'd fucked up. Enough time to make him wonder if Gin was ever coming back. Even the charred house and Gin's keys inside the locked house hadn't managed to kill his hope, and he couldn't decide if that was a good thing.
Not that Sousuke needed to be told how badly he'd screwed up. The voice in his head was doing a magnificent job of that.
But still. It stung.
He still woke up every day reaching across their bed for his partner. Always disappointed when his fingers found the empty space Gin used to occupy. It stung, but he supposed he deserved it. No, scratch that- he did. There was no supposing about it. How often had he sided with the spouse that'd been cheated on in the Seireitei rumour mill? If not outwardly then inwardly. It was one thing to play around as a bachelor – quite another to deliberately go and fuck around on your spouse.
Again, more hypocrisy coming from him, but he was past giving a shit at this point. Everything had turned to shit already, what was one more sin to add to his load? He was already gong to Hell anyway. The place of nightmares.
He woke one morning feeling the fresh scorpion sting of Gin's absence, wondering if it'd still sting even months after Gin had left him. Justifiably so, too. After all, who'd want to stick around after that? Nobody sane, anyway.
It was then he realised it was possible Gin might not come back. That he might not want to come back.
Somehow that thought was worse than anything the Voice could say to him. It sent a chill through his body and made his palms sweat. How could he ever go back to a life without Gin? It didn't bear thinking about.
How can I go and unlove you now, after everything?
That was the morning he poured himself a glass of whiskey with shaking hands in place of his morning tea, and sat reflecting on the poor life choices that led him here. Smoking a cigarette too, just for good measure. To calm his frayed nerves. Shame he was already dead so he couldn't blacken his lungs or ruin his liver, and his nerves could never be un-frayed.
He took a long, deep drag and sighed out the grey smoke into the air. Tired.
Til death do us part. Guess we're already past that phase. But I don't blame you for leaving.
Not that it made it any easier. Gin was still gone, and he was still alone.
He didn't think he'd be able to get used to that. He couldn't get used to that.
I can't.
The stark silence under the moon. The empty space in his bed. The loneliness. Each day blending into the next as they passed. A haze of waking, working, drinking, sleeping – when he was able to sleep, at least. More often than not he just lay awake, staring at the clock or the ceiling or the stars in the sky out the window. Mourning his constellation that'd gone too soon. Trying to remember how to function as a human being before too many people noticed.
And they were beginning to notice. There was only so much damage he could mitigate with Kyouka Suigetsu's illusions. Especially in his current state. Exhausted. Broken. And so the cracks in his facade were starting to show.
Dark circles under his eyes.
Distractability.
Strained smiles.
The insomnia didn't help. The lack of sleep only compounding his issues. Slowing him. Making him duller. Sinking him further into the pit of thick, black tar the voice had threatened him with so long ago, now his world was burning down around him. The fires still raging even weeks after he'd put it all to the torch and thrown gasoline on it.
Faking smiles grew harder by the day, though decorum imposed he had to do it. It was the same fucking shit day after day. All the same. Smile and Fake. Without Gin around he didn't feel up to the task. Or any task. Often in the morning before work he'd sit at the table in the kitchen just staring down into his bowl of cereal, trying to find the will to make himself eat it.
Day in. Day out. It was always the same.
Loneliness. Solitude. Heartache.
Even laying awake at night, it persisted.
He couldn't even pass the nights stargazing for too long, without being reminded of what he'd lost. Everything just too stark and quiet without Gin. His hope a dying light in his chest.
Until one morning they crossed paths.
He was in town, picking up some things and running some errands when he saw Gin. A flash of silver in a sea of people, but he'd know his fox anywhere.
Hope sparked in his chest, Gin was okay, he was alive, he was here. Though when he tried to approach, the younger man froze. He was walking, moving towards his light.
"Gin," he called.
The stricken look on Gin's face said it all. "Sou-" he gasped, more from shock than anything. Catching himself. "Aizen."
That stung, too. I guess that's how it is now.
"Can we talk? We need to talk about this."
A thousand words bubbled up and died in his throat. A thousand babbled apologies, all meaningless if he didn't at least try to fix things between them.
"I..." Gin began, floundering for words. He wasn't sure what Gin had been expecting, but it was obvious the man wasn't ready to talk. Probably still dealing with a lot of anger and resentment. And pain, too. "I want to, but... I can't. Not now."
The rest went unsaid, but Sousuke could understand well enough. I'm still hurtin' over what you did t'me.
It stung, of course. But at least he knew Gin was still around. That gave him some relief, at least.
"I understand," he said. "I'm sorry."
"Me, too." Gin added quietly. Still not quite meeting his eyes. "Fer not bein' enough."
Before he could even respond, Gin was already walking away.
"Gin?" he called again, but Gin didn't turn or look back. He just kept walking. Leaving him to his much deserved solitude.