Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

EPOV

The party goers shifted, and I could finally see Bella. Our two years apart had been kind to her. She looked amazing. She had cut her hair to sassy chin length that brought out the wave in her hair making it almost appear curly. Her brown eyes sparkled with laughter as she spoke with others. My chest fluttered to life as I remembered when that look used to belong to me, but that was two years ago, and too much hurt had passed between us since the last time her eyes sparkled like that for me.

My wandered back to the night that Bella found out about my affair and how everything changed so rapidly from that moment. One moment I was a married man who was cheating on his wife and the next I was man fighting for his life.

I remembered silently driving a sobbing Tanya home. I had nothing to say to her. What was there to say? So instead, I listened to sobs and her crying that she was not a whore, and that I was at fault not her since I was the married one, not her. I could not argue with her. I was the married one, and I had agreed to our times together. Hell, I encouraged them. I went out of my way for them. I told myself I was justified in doing it, but now as I look at my actions, I was not so sure, especially after seeing how hurt Bella was by my careless actions.

I dropped Tanya off with no promise of the next phone call or a set time to meet again. I told myself that I would not call her again, even though I knew that the itch she scratched for me was not gone from my system.

The drive back to my house in the suburbs was long as I tried to call Bella on her cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail. It was when I had tried to call her that I discovered that she had called me six times before coming back home. If I had listened for my phone instead of being dick deep in Tanya all day, I could have avoided this mess, and for that stupidity, I kicked myself.

It was an hour later that I pulled back into driveway of my empty looking home. The lights were out causing it to look more haunted than lived in that night. I silently crept into the house and looked around for Bella. My clothes, that I had stripped off haphazardly in my rush to be inside of Tanya, were still on the kitchen floor as I walked through the room seeking out my wife. The front room was empty except for the contents of Bella's purse all over the floor. They were mixed in with the magazines I had cleared off the table while thrusting into Tanya. I checked my home office only to find it empty before taking a deep breath as I ascended the stairs toward our bedroom.

I knew Bella would not be in there, but I could stop myself from looking in. I was gawking at the scene of the crime. I had been so fucking giddy over the idea of having Tanya here, that I had not thought about what would happen if I was caught. I shook my head to clear my regret, as I opened the door to our room. The room still reeked of sex as I stepped inside. I wondered if it was that smell that had made Bella ill, or was it the sight of me fucking some girl here?

I kicked at the bed sheets strewn all over the floor, as I tried to think of reason for my being with Tanya, but really there was no reason. I had done it because I could. I had been with her because it was easy, and nothing was easy about marriage or life. I had done it because it was exciting, and Bella had not been exciting to me in years. Unfortunately, these were not reasons I could give Bella, since they made no sense.

I looked around the room, knowing that I could not sleep here tonight. It was too much, too raw. I walked out of the room, slowly closing the door behind me.

I continued down the hall, checking Seth's room and finding it empty. I was starting to worry about where my wife was, when I checked the guest room at the end of the hall. There I found a sleeping Bella, curled up into a ball in the middle of the large bed that she had decorated in soothing tones to welcome any guest we might have. This wasn't the first time I had forced my wife to sleep in the guest room instead of our bed.

Her long, dark hair was wrapped around her in a crazed knot from her fitful sleep. She looked small and frail as she lay there, exposed to the darkness that now filled our home.

My eyes lingered over her luscious curves that I had always appreciated in the most carnal way I could since we were sixteen, yet at that moment, I could not think of the last time I had sex with my wife. I could think of every act of pleasure I had with Tanya and every position that I had twisted her nimble body into, but with Bella, I was drawing a blank. It had to be months since we had been that intimate. If my memory served me correctly, it was a horrible experience.

I had arrived home at two in the morning. I was late, but after my frustrating night of managing overgrown egos of other doctors who were taking their turn in the emergency room rotation, I needed release. I had called Tanya, and she had met in the parking lot to suck me off in my car. I had fucked away my frustration in Tanya's pink painted mouth, reveling in the minor victory that she could now deep throat my entire dick without gagging from the length, before sending her on her way so I could go home to sleep.

When I got home, I was not surprised to find Bella waiting for me since she always waited for me. What did surprise me was to find her dressed in lingerie with stocking and heels. She looked wanton and beautiful, but my anger took over. All I could think about was how fucking her would be less sleep that I would get since I was scheduled back in at the hospital in the morning.

I don't remember really greeting her with anything except a snarl before passing straight by her for the shower. I needed to wash up before she found the hot pink circle around the base of my dick where Tanya had deep throated me while I came down her throat blissfully. I hated to wash the pink mark away since it, in a sick manner, it was an award for Tanya finally learning how to take all of me in her mouth without gagging.

I stood under the hot water as it washed over me, taking away the grime from the hospital and the prized lipstick marks on my cock. I thought of Bella waiting for me in our bedroom, and fury filled my system. I found myself irritated over the thought of having sex with my own wife. I didn't want her. She was beautiful, sure, but our sex life had been lacking. There was no connection any more, not since I was fucking Tanya, anyway. The spark, the fire that had made our sex lives something that had been legendary, had gone out, and I blamed Bella for it, not the fact that I was fucking some girl sixteen years younger than my wife. It was ludicrous, but in that moment, I was not about to take the blame for our stalled sex life.

"Honey, I was hoping…" Bella said to me, as I entered the room with a towel wrapped around my waist after my impromptu shower. My eyes met hers, and she must have seen the anger in them. My withering look silenced her as she lay upon the bed. In the past, I would have been rock hard and on top of her without her asking by now.

"Jesus, Bella, I just got home, and I am tired," I hissed in anger at her as she sat up on the bed, looking at me with embarrassment in her brown eyes.

"You know what I want? I wanted to sleep, but I guess that's not going to happen since you want to fuck, and lord knows what the princess wants the princess gets," I yelled mockingly at her, as she tried to shush me by reminding me that Seth was sleeping down the hall.

"I don't give a fuck. It's not like he gives a fuck about me," I yelled at her in anger as I watched her confused look morph into anger as I stalked closer to the bed in anger.

"Well, maybe he would give a fuck if his father was around more," she said in an angry tone that fanned the fire of my fury as I stood before. Her words hurt, because I knew my heart she was right. Seth was a great kid who deserved more from me, just as my wife did.

I dropped my towel to stand before her, naked and intimidating, as anger rolled off me in waves. I could see the uncertainty in her eyes, and it was that question that was making me hard as I stood before her, not how incredibly sex she looked in the lingerie that she was wearing. I pushed her back on the bed as she attempted to stumble her way into standing with those damn heels on.

"Where do you think you're going? You wanted this, so come on," I said as she shoved against me in anger.

"Yeah, well, not anymore, so get the hell out of my way," she said in an angry huff as she pushed me once more, but I did not budge. Bella tried to move around me, but I grabbed her and flopped her back down on the bed with a hard thump.

"No, you wanted this and I know you. If I don't fuck you now, you won't stop bitching at me until I do," I said in anger and crawled on to the bed almost on top of her as she protested. My hands roamed her body roughly, jerking down the cups of her corset to reveal ample breasts with their rose colored nipples standing at attention for me. I groped her breasts roughly, squeezing them tight before pinching her nipples, until she gasped in pain and pleasure.

Bella started to squirm away from me, so I held her down with one hand as the other hand trailed over her stomach to her lace-covered pussy. I jerked at her panties one handed as she tried to escape me until I had them tangled around her thighs. Once they were around her thighs, I let go of her briefly to rip the side apart, wrecking her panties and exposing her pussy to me before holding her down again.

"Let me go," she whispered at me in a ragged breath as she struggled against me, arching her body up against mine, not in pleasure, but in seeking her escape.

"Not a chance. I'm going to fuck you just like you wanted," I whispered to her as I leaned forward and kissed her mouth with harsh force, knocking our teeth together before plunging into her mouth with my tongue. My hand twisted and pinched her breasts as they filled my hands nicely while my hard cock rubbed against the silk of her corset covered belly.

I had forgotten how sweet her lips were, and that thought pissed me off. I should never forget something like that. That was her fault as well.

I moved my mouth down along her jaw, nipping and licking as I went as she went from shoving against me to trying to hold me off, but I didn't care. Nor did I stop. I reached her breasts with ease as I pinned her small body beneath mine, freeing my other hand to explore what was mine as well. I quickly sucked one of her pert rose colored nipples into my mouth while my free hand pinched and tugged on the other one, finally causing a reaction from the woman beneath me as she arched her back up from the sensation of my assault.

I switched nipples, biting and sucking as my hand moved from tugging on her spit covered erect nipple to sliding down to her hot pussy. Her nipple was an angry shade of red after my bite, but I didn't feel the least bit bad about it.

The Bella I knew would be sopping wet and ready for me after such bold behavior, but as I slipped a finger between her creamy pink folds I could feel that she was barely wet.

"That's okay," I murmured reassuringly to her, as if she was aware of her lack of desire, too, and probably was. I brought my fingers up to my mouth, licking the wetness off them before sticking them back into my mouth. I covered them with my own spit before plunging them inside of Bella's tight pussy. Bella gasped at the surprise invasion, as I began to rapidly finger fuck her pussy until I felt her wetness coat my fingers. This signaled me that she as ready as I twisted my fingers inside of her, rubbing her g spot that I knew so well after years of sex together. I listened to her pant and moan in pleasure or frustration. I buried my face in her, as I continued to suck and nip at her exposed tits..

Once I could hear her wetness as I thrust my fingers inside of her, I stopped abruptly and reared back, releasing her nipple with a loud pop as I did. I grabbed her thighs and pulled her legs apart wide to expose her to me. It was a power play on my part, but I didn't care. I wanted her to know that this act was nothing about love.

I hooked my arms underneath her knees and pulled her up to me as I buried my hard cock inside of her wet pussy. I was always amazed, that after sixteen years of marriage and almost nineteen years of sex with woman, how good it felt to be inside of her. She was wet, tight, and so fucking perfect that my eyes rolled back in my head as I sunk into her with one swift thrust, filling her completely as she let out a strangled moan.

It was that moan that pushed me on as I pulled her ass off the bed. I was fucking her hard and deep. I closed my eyes at the sensation being inside of her, as I thrust as deep as I could. I pulled her legs over my shoulder while listening to her groan loudly. I opened my eyes and looked down at my wife who was watching me with hazy eyes. These eyes did not hold lust as much as they held questions. It was her questioning me that pissed me off even more.

"This is what you wanted," I said to her, unable to keep the anger out of my voice as I fucked her viciously, and then laughed in an evil manner as I watched her eyes roll in the back of her head as I hit her g spot over and over again. She almost convulsed with the stimulation.

"This is what you wanted," I panted down at her, as I watched my dick stretch and fill her underused pussy.

"You wanted my dick, and now you'll take it until I say so," I panted, as I felt my balls tightening, announcing my pending orgasm over my own cruel and dirty words.

I continued pounding into Bella, pushing harder and going deeper inside of her as her moans filled the room. My dirty ranting about fucking her made me lose control, made me cum inside of her until I saw stars.

I pulled out of her immediately and flopped down on the bed beside her without ever looking at her face. The room was silent except the harsh tone of our breathing as we struggled to find normalcy again.

I looked over at Bella, fully expecting her satisfied look, but instead was greeted with a troubled look and concern shining in her brown eyes. Her concern made me sick.

"What the hell is wrong with you," she asked in an uneven voice that made me roll my eyes at her. This was chance to tell her about Tanya and my general overall unhappiness in our marriage. This was my chance to tell her that I felt like I was nothing but a pay check to her. This was the time I could have told her that I missed her and hated her because she was never where I needed her to be. This was my chance to try to fix everything, but the coward in me took over, and I pushed her away instead.

"Me? What the hell is wrong with you?" I hissed at her, as she flinched at my tone. This gave me the confidence to continue on my pointless cruel tirade.

"I just ask for you to fucking support me, and you can't even do that," I said, in anger at her as she struggled to sit up to get away from me.

"I do support you," she said in a small voice that told me that her doubts were helping me in my pursuit of hurting her.

"Really? When?" I asked her sarcastically, as she met my gaze with her bright brown one.

"Was it support when I needed you to come to the fundraiser, and you refused?" I asked her, like the smart ass I was, while knowing full well I had gotten mad at her that night and left without her. I took Tanya instead of my wife, much to the shock of my co workers. Then later in the evening, after partaking in the open bar, I fucked Tanya in the coat closet, not caring who saw my lewd display of disrespect towards my wife. I was amazed that no one had told Bella about that night, but they hadn't yet. Maybe it was that no one wanted to break her heart, so they left it for me to do.

"You didn't want me there," she said with a sad, small voice that made me feel triumphant in my efforts to turn around my ill doings so we could focus only on Bella.

"I did, and you refused just like always. And now, tonight I just wanted to fucking sleep, but that wasn't good enough for you. Are you happy? Are you fucking satisfied now? Because tomorrow I will be so damn tired I won't be able to function. Does that make you happy to know that you've already fucked me over for tomorrow?" I demanded from her, as I watched the tears form in her eyes, making them appear glassy.

"Damn it Bella, I need your support, and you just fucking refuse to give it!" I yelled at her as the tears started to fall while she whispered her soft apologies over and over again to me as she sat there. I turned away from her and shut off the light on my bed stand, as I lay back, bare and victorious on top of our bed.

I closed my eyes and listened to her sniffling as she stifled her tears.

"If you're going to cry, go sleep in the guest room since I don't want to hear it," I said coldly, as I rolled away from her warm little form. I closed my eyes and listened to her sniffle once more before slipping out of bed and then finally leaving me alone in our room.

I never checked on her that night. I never asked her the next day if I had hurt her or if she was fine. I never followed up with Bella at all, even though she took it upon herself to start writing me love notes for my lunch after that night. I had only ever read one of them. It was a simple statement of I love you and will do anything to show you that. I remember how I snickered at her sentiment since my outrage caused her to back off a bit, allowing me more time with Tanya.

I found myself watching my wife as she slept, and I could not think of the last time I had done that. She was amazingly beautiful with her wide hips from birthing our son and her full breasts, but looking at her now, I could see that she was thinner than she had been in a long time. It was disturbing to see her so thin, and I wondered what crash diet she had forced herself on to get to this level.

I glanced over at the nightstand and discovered a prescription bottle. I had no idea that Bella was on any type of medicine, but then again, I could not remember the last real conversation I had with wife that was not filled with my anger.

I grabbed the bottle and discovered that it was prescription sleeping pills written to Bella by my father. He had no fucking business writing her prescriptions without consulting me. I slowly left Bella to her unrestful sleep as I tried to back out of the guest room, only to stop as Bella cried in her sleep.

I couldn't make out the words that she was saying, but I knew her tears, her pain, were entirely my fault. I had hurt her with my actions, but I was sure that I was right in my pursuit of fucking Tanya. Looking at her so broken, though, made me wonder if I was wrong all along.

I couldn't sleep in my own bed that night. It smelled of sex and Tanya, and at that moment, I only wanted my wife. I wanted her softness and her sweet lips. I watched her sleep knowing that I would have to correct this. As I tried to imagine my life without her, I couldn't; she was just too much a part of my life for me to lose over my own idiocy.

I curled into the bed next to Bella, holding her to me as I whispered my apologies over and over again in her ear. She was too far into sleep to respond to my words, though. Still - I pressed my face into her dark hair and breathed in the sweet smell of her coconut scented shampoo as I willed myself to sleep, to savor the moment of holding Bella to me. I knew that I may have squandered that opportunity forever.

AN:

Thanks for reading! This chapter was a more difficult one to read & write in my opinion. A special thanks to MommaLaura for her betaing this hot mess!

Until next time…

Take care,

Mamasutra

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AN 2021

Thanks for all who are reading this repost. As mentioned before, there are no corrections beyond what was done in 2011.

Thanks to all who are offering to send me my missing fics to repost. I will be posting a list of the ones I am still missing in the next update.

Lori