Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
I watched as Bella's smile widened for a brief moment, I thought that maybe she was smiling for me, but then from behind me, our son Seth stepped into view and raced to hug his mother tightly. I watched them from a distance and even from where I stood it was obvious that Seth adored her just like any good son would. Bella was a fantastic mother. Seth and Bella had always been especially close while I had always been somewhat of an outsider to their inner circle. Perhaps it was all the long hours I had put in at the hospital over the years that caused that distance, but maybe it was them not inviting me in.
I observed the loving display for a moment before turning away to avoid the uneasy feeling I would get in my stomach as I watched my family move on without me. I scanned the crowd for anyone else that I might talk to in order to avoid my "once" family as I thought back to what had gone wrong that caused me to be here like this.
The night that Bella touched me was one that I had viewed as our start over. I reveled in her touching me until I could not stop myself from touching her as well. I had inched my hands along her legs until I had them wrapped around her waist, tugging her off the chair so she was on her knees in front of me. I pulled her close into a tight embrace with her tear stained face pressed into my chest as I found myself crying into her dark hair that hung loosely around her shoulders. It was a beautiful and tragic moment as we clung to each other in the shattered remains of what was left of our marriage. When I pulled away from her slight frame just to look at her face and found the mixture of uncertainty and another emotion that I could not name swirling in her deep amber eyes, I knew we had a chance.
It was after that night that I was invited back into Bella's bed. Well, sort of. She had left her door unlocked and I took that as an invitation to join her. She was still sleeping in the guest room and that was fine by me. I had not ventured back into what had been our bedroom since the night I was caught with Tanya. I had been sleeping in the hallway by Bella's door listening to her cries at night over nightmares that I had caused. It seemed a suitable punishment for me even though it was really Bella who was paying the price for my misdeeds.
Slowly, ever so slowly Bella allowed me close to her once more. At first it was merely allowing me in the bed beside her. She claimed this allowance was because she found me on the floor in the hallway and I had refused to leave because I knew she needed me. I didn't care as long as I was allowed beside her once more.
I pushed the boundaries that Bella tried to establish with me. I touched her when she had asked me not to. I would kiss her cheek good night when she had stated no kissing. I would hug and hold her close when she had a bad dream even though she would pull away from me when she was more coherent. I knew that eventually she would let me in again so I waited patiently for that precious moment.
It wasn't just Bella I was working hard to win over; there was also Seth. He was sixteen and he knew exactly what had happened even though we both had tried to keep it from him. I guessed that my brother Emmett or maybe his wife Rosalie told him since he spent all his free time with them when I was around.
I would try to engage him in conversation, and when his mother was around he would respond. He would give short, snippy answers, but he would at least respond to me. When Bella wasn't lingering around us he would be cold, even cruel with his comments, putting me in my place for hurting his mother the way I did.
"I don't know why you are even trying," he said to me as we sat at the dining room table waiting for Bella to return with whatever dessert she had made that night. I looked at my son and marveled over how much the expression on his face resembled Bella's when she was troubled. People would always comment over how much he looked like me with his crazed hair that was a shade darker than my auburn hair and the same green eyes, but I could only ever see Bella when I looked at him.
"What do you mean?" I asked him as I tried to figure out his train of thought and where this conversation would lead us.
"I mean, I know what you did. I know how you hurt mom and while she may want to forgive you, I don't," he said in a slow whisper since he knew his mother would be returning. I watched him glance over his shoulder to see if his mother was nearby and she wasn't.
"If you hurt her again we're done," he said with such finality to me that it gave me chills. I knew that he meant it. There would be no going back for him and me if I failed his mother.
"Seth, I love your mom and it was a horrible mistake that I made," I said as I willed him to look me in the eye so he could see the sincerity of my statement and my devotion to Bella. His green eyes met mine. I could see that he doubted me. He believed that I would hurt his mother again and his words were a warning for me.
It was later that night after Seth left me speechless at the dinner table that Bella led me back to what was now our room. She had been allowing me to touch her and I wanted more. I wanted my wife again and I needed her to know that. I had jumped through every hoop she placed in front of me. I had made my life an open book. I had called and allowed her to time me to and from work to show that I was not going anywhere but home and work. She met me for lunches and I called over breaks to show that I was alone just like I should be. I had done everything within my power to show her that I was committed to saving our marriage. I had even gone to the doctor and gotten a clean bill of health like she had requested since she was consumed by the idea that Tanya had given me some horrible venereal disease. Thankfully, she hadn't.
I pulled Bella towards our bed with the expectation that I would make love to my wife. I planned on worshipping her body to wipe the images of our last time together from her memory.
I grabbed her by her waist and tugged on her shirt as I wrapped my arms around her. Bella stopped me immediately.
"What are you doing?" she asked with a tinge of panic in her voice as she pulled her blouse back down to cover her stomach.
"I am going to make love to my wife," I murmured in my best seductive tone, the one that used to make her melt against me. This time, however, I was disappointed to find it had no effect.
"No, I'm not ready for that," she stammered as she untangled herself from my embrace. I was shocked by her statement and sudden withdrawal from my arms.
"But…" I stammered like a fool as I tugged on her hips to pull her close once more. I knew if I could just touch her I could convince her that she needed me like I needed her.
"Edward, I'm not ready for that," she said in a more firm tone as if she was talking to a child. That tone pissed me off. I was not a child; I was her husband and I was tired of waiting for her.
"Well, when do you think you will be ready for it?" I asked her in a sarcastic tone as my anger flared white hot as I looked at her. I could see the instant change in her demeanor as the words flew out of my mouth. Her defenses went up immediately and I could feel the chill of being shut out wash over me in the small bedroom.
"I don't know. Maybe never," she said as I growled in frustration over her simple statement.
"What!" I yelled in anger as Bella stood in front of me, not flinching or cowering in any manner.
"I have jumped through every hoop you've demanded from me! I've done everything that was asked!" I screamed in a fit of anger at her as she held her ground in front me.
"You also fucked some whore for a year behind my back and only confessed because I caught you with your dick up her ass! So don't tell me about all the hoops that you've jumped through because you created this mess!" She yelled at me as I watched her flush red with anger.
She was right. I had caused it. I had created the mess and now all I wanted to do was to forget, but Bella refused to comply. She constantly reminded me of her lack of trust and how I had messed up our marriage. I said I was sorry so many times, yet it didn't seem to make a difference to Bella. It was as if she was refusing to forgive me and I could not understand why. If she wanted me gone then why keep me here? If she was done with our marriage then why torture me over it?
"Bella?" I asked her as silence of the room seemed to swallow us whole.
"Why?" I asked her, needing to know why we were even trying if it all was pointless.
"Why what?" she asked me looking confused for a moment as she stepped back from me once more.
"Why are we here? Why do you love me?" I asked her, sounding unstable even to my own ears.
"I can't answer why we are here except that we have too much history not to try to save our marriage. I mean, we've been together since we were sixteen and I cannot imagine my life without you in it," she said with a sadness that did not escape me and made my heart ache. She paused to take a deep, yet shaky breath before continuing on.
"I love you because I was made to, Edward. I was born to love you and I can't imagine it any other way," she said softly as she looked at me with her tear filled brown eyes as if it hurt her to love me.
"I love you too," I whispered back to her as I took hold of her hand in mine. It did not escape my attention that her loving me was hurting her. As much as I wanted to hate that I was hurting her I couldn't because I didn't care as long as she still felt something for me.
The weekly meetings with our counselor continued on and as they did Bella began to speak. She told me how deeply I had hurt her. She reminded me how she had often felt lost and lonely, but never sought out the company of other men, even though the opportunities for such indiscretions were there. It hurt to hear that she had chances with other men, but I understood why. Bella was young and beautiful. She was sexy, even sexier than what she realized with her curvy figure and ample breasts. I was thankful that she had not strayed and told her this repeatedly. It would have killed me to have another man touch my wife. Whenever I would say this she would just shake her head at my hypocrisy before moving on in the conversation.
It was during my one on one session with the counselor that I revealed that I had never truly ended things with Tanya. He was pleased I was not in contact with her, but said that I needed to make sure that there was no going back. He told me that I needed to be an adult in that relationship, that I needed to contact Tanya to advise her that we were through. It seemed like an odd thing to do since I would assume that after weeks of no contact she would be well aware that we were done. But, according to the counselor she may just be waiting for me to make my move once more, so I agreed to do this.
I called Tanya while at work since I knew Bella would not approve of my meeting her. The counselor had suggested taking Bella with me as I broke things off with Tanya, but I couldn't do that. I told Bella that I had already ended things with her. It was lie, but when I told Bella that I didn't think that it would matter or that she would find out.
"Edward!" Tanya said in a happy tone as she finally answered her phone. She sounded so excited to hear from me with her joyful exuerberance over my phone call.
"Tanya, I would like to arrange meeting to talk," I stated in a professional manner that made her giggle like a naughty girl as I spoke.
"Oh, I would like to meet up to talk as well," she said in a breathy, seductive tone that made my dick twitch in my pants as my mind conjured up the image of my dick sliding in and out between Tanya's pink painted lips. The thought of that made me hard even though I tried to reign in my lust for the girl since I knew there was nothing I could do about it.
"No Tan, it would just be talking," I stressed as I thought of my counselor and how he coached me over this call. He had reminded me not to let Tanya take control and not to allow myself to act upon my baser instincts.
"Are you sure? Because I can't think of any time that we just talked?" she teased as I closed my eyes at the sound of her voice dripping with sex. I told myself I didn't want her, that it was just the simple fact that I had not had sex in months that was causing this reaction.
"I'm positive. Just talking, that's it," I restated firmly as I did an internal fist pump over my show of strength.
I made my plans with Tanya. I did as I was instructed. I chose a public setting for our meeting so that there was a decreased chance of anything leading to sex. I called the counselor for a quick pep talk and then I called Bella that night since I was meeting Tanya after work. She did not suspect a thing since she knew that every Thursday night I covered the lead doctors' break before going home for the night. She had seen the time difference. She had been to the hospital and confirmed it not only with the scheduling board but also with the bitchy nursing staff. They would be more than happy to rat my ass out to Bella over any discrepancies in my schedule. What Bella didn't know was that once a month I was not needed and that this allowed me ninety minutes before I was expected home. It would be during these ninety minutes that I would end things properly with Tanya.
I remember feeling nervous. I had never broken up with someone before. In high school there was one girl before Bella and she broke up with me to date some guy on the football team. I don't remember much about it since I had already moved on to Bella by that time so I was happy not to have to do anything to begin with. It was simple, just the way I liked it.
This thing with Tanya was different since I had started it. I could have ignored her girlish flirting, but I didn't. I could have told her no, but I didn't. I encouraged her and when we finally started having sex I used her countless times. I fucked her every way possible, not caring if she liked it or if she even felt good. By all rights Tanya should hate me as much as my wife probably did, but she didn't. She was excited to see me even though I had said that there would be no sex. It was odd and flattering, but I reminded myself it was that weird flattery that had gotten me in this fucked up situation to begin with.
At the end of the night I walked out of the hospital and headed to the coffee shop that I had told Tanya to meet me. It was close to the hospital and close to parking so there was no need for me to move my car just in case Bella happened to drive by, not that I was expecting her to do that since she was with my mother that night.
While I walked to the shop I reflected on my life and honestly life with Bella had gotten better since our fight over sex. She was trying and so was I. I tried to remember that I had hurt her and that there wasn't an easy fix for it no matter what I wanted for us. It was frustrating to be so close to her and yet not be able to fuck her, but I told myself that our intimacy would return with time.
I reached the coffee shop and quickly stepped inside to get out of the wet night air. The place was packed with college kids and older patrons since it was open mic night. Bella used to love open mic night. We would see Seattle's best acoustic performers without a cover charge.
I was standing in line when I felt a hand slither along my side until it caressed my stomach before dipping lower to stroke my cock. This slight touch teamed with weeks of neglect caused my cock to jump to attention.
"Hello, Edward," I heard Tanya whisper all breathy in my ear as she pressed close to me. The coffee shop was packed and the line for ordering was incredibly long. People were pressed together in the cramped space which gave Tanya the coverage to stroke my dick over my scrubs basically undetected by the other patrons.
"Tanya, stop," I replied softly, knowing that I needed her to stop touching me, but hoping like hell that she wouldn't.
"Come with me," she breathed as she made one last pass over my cock teasingly before she took hold of my hand to drag me out of the line.
I knew where we were headed before she pushed me down the dimly lit hallway to the ladies room. I tried to tell her no as she shoved me inside of the small two stall bathroom with a gentle flick of her wrist, but the words would not come out.
I knew it was now or never. I could stop her or I could go forward with what was about to happen. I watched as Tanya dropped to her knees on to the somewhat clean tiles of the coffee shop restroom. It was very reminiscent of our first time together.
"I have missed this," I heard Tanya say in a giddy tone that sounded like it was coming from the other end of a cavern. She pulled my scrubs down to reveal my boxers with my dick straining against the fabric to break free.
"I don't think…" I stammered as I brought my hand down to block my hard dick as she pressed an open mouth kiss against the cotton that separated my dick from her warm mouth.
"Then don't think," she responded as she tugged my boxers down and my dick sprang free as if it had a mind of its own. I couldn't speak or breathe or even move as I watched her pink lacquered mouth open as her velvet tongue came out to lick the dribble of precum of the tip off my cock.
I should have stopped her. I should have said no, but the moment her wet, hot mouth engulfed my dick, I was gone. It had been so long since I felt anything except my own hand and her mouth was like a hot, wet heaven. I groaned as Tanya deep throated me inch by inch while holding my eye contact. She had a look in her eyes that was a challenge to me. She was challenging me to tell her no and for the life of me I couldn't. I was too weak.
I closed my eyes as she sucked and licked at my dick while I groaned loudly in pleasure. I could not think. I could not think of why I needed to tell her no as my rational mind had gone blank from the pleasure I was receiving from the girl.
Tanya pulled away, releasing me dick from her mouth with a loud pop as I pleaded in unintelligible words for her to finish the job she started. I watched her stand up slowly while never missing a beat as she pumped my dick with her hand.
"I don't want to wait," she whispered to me with an evil smile as she tugged me along by my aching dick until we were inside of one of the bathroom stalls.
Once inside I jerked her skirt up to reveal her bare ass. She had chosen not to wear panties. I could not hold back the loud groan as I watched her brace herself against the wall with her hands as she presented herself to me while whispering how much she had missed me. It was too much and the battle between my aching dick and my limited conscience was short as I positioned myself behind her to thrust home.
I took my dick in my hand and slid it along her wet pussy, rubbing her clit in the process triggering a deep moan from the girl in front of me that was so willing to let me fuck in her a public restroom. She was so wet and ready as she begged me to fuck her hard. I knew it was wrong. Somewhere in the back of my mind there was that voice that reminded me that if I did this now there would be no going back and no forgiveness. I knew this on a logical level, but as I stood there rubbing myself against her I could not find it inside of me to care at all.
It was without any further thought and very little fanfare that I reared back and with the guidance of my hand I slammed my dick inside of Tanya. The sudden rush of heat and wet gripping my dick wrenched a loud rumble from deep inside of my chest. It had been too long since I had been inside of her or anyone for that matter and because of it I was not going to last long.
I fucked her with wild abandon as I felt the high that only sex can provide sending me spiraling out of control. I grabbed her hips and held her still as I thrust deep inside of her with another loud moan that caused Tanya to scratch at the wall as if she was seeking to hold on from the forcefulness of my thrust.
I pushed myself as deep inside of her as I could go just as the burn of my orgasm seared through me. I gripped her slim hips tightly in my hands as I drove jet after jet of cum into her as she hissed yes over my actions while I filled her.
The burn of my long overdue orgasm left me weak and punchy as I stood there still buried deep inside of her. I could hear Tanya's slight giggle and the sound of it sobered me slowly. I had done the unthinkable. I had fucked her when I shouldn't have. I felt the cold chill of reality settle over me as I remembered that I was here to end things with her, not start up again.
I pulled out of Tanya slowly as she hissed in displeasure from the sensation of me vacating her little pussy. It was a familiar sound and yet it set me on edge since I knew what I needed to do, what I had come to do instead of fucking her in the ladies room as I had just done.
I watched as a cascade of my cum started to ooze out her pussy making me sick as I watched the horribly dirty display. I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I leaned over her to grab my scrubs to pull them back up to cover myself.
"Tanya," I said in an unsteady voice as I watched her tug down her skirt, not caring that my cum was dripping out of her at an alarming rate.
"I was so happy that you called me, Edward," she gushed happily as I opened the door of the stall to step out into the empty restroom. I needed to create more space between us, not that it mattered after what we had just done.
"Yeah, about that Tanya…" I started to say but she silenced me by stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me in a tight embrace as she buried her face into my chest in a loving manner.
"I knew that you would want me. I knew that you would call me and here you are," she said as she squeezed me tightly to her as my stomach turned over at her words.
"And here you are," she repeated in a dreamy tone as she looked up at me with her wide blue eyes. I could see her happiness and love reflected in them. It was love and happiness that I did not want or deserve. I untangled myself from Tanya's embrace swiftly and then stepped back to put space between us once more.
"Tanya, this is over and that was why I called you," I said in a firm voice that I would have used with my son to get my point across.
"What are you saying?" she asked me, confused and lost looking as she stepped towards me. I stopped her by placing my hand out, blocking her from getting any closer to me.
"I am saying that we're over," I replied to her as I watched her face fall.
"But Edward…. We just…. I just let you…" she stammered as she watched me with fear and uncertainty in her blue eyes that reminded me of child.
"I know," I replied calmly, unsure if I should thank her or not before reinforcing the fact that whatever our relationship had been happened to be over.
"We're done," I said with as much finality as I could while watching the tears form in her eyes over my words and actions.
"I just let you…" she stammered nervously and then trailed off as she motioned towards the restroom stall that we had just left.
"I know. It was a mistake," I replied to her as she started to cry while I turned to wash my hands to get the smell of sex off of them.
"But, Edward…" she stammered, looking at me for some explanation, but there wasn't one to give. I had started this affair without any real justification and now I would end it the same way.
I turned to look at Tanya and for the first time I realized how young she truly was. She wasn't prepared for this any more than I had been; I just had the advantage of knowing that our time together was leading nowhere.
I wanted to place a reassuring hand upon her should as she looked at me with a tear stained face, smudged black from her smeared make up, but I knew it would make things worse between us.
"Not ever again," I said as she looked at me, hoping she understood that we would never do this again. Tanya turned away from me as I stepped back from her to grab the door handle to leave her and this part of my life behind.
I stepped out into the dim hallway and made my way back to the main area of the coffee shop. Tanya followed closely behind. I could hear her sniffling as she shuffled her feet along the tiled floor behind me as I attempted to make my escape that night, but there would be no escape for me. I scanned the crowd briefly as I walked toward the exit and was surprised to find Bella's brown eyes staring back at me with repulsion.
AN:
Thanks for reading and for all the kind reviews! I know I am being a total failure about review replies, but slowly but surely I am getting caught up.
Thanks to MommaLaura & 3c Cullen for betaing this hot mess. A special thanks to LoopyLou992 for prereading and for being such a great friend! Hugs to you three!
Let me see if I can answer some of the questions I have gotten in the reviews. The most common question/assumption about this story is that Tanya will get pregnant. That will not happen. I will repeat that….THERE WILL BE NO PREGNANT TANYA IN THIS FIC! I think pregnant stories are great. Hell, I'm even kicking around a new plot bunny that pregnancy would be involved, but it just won't happen in this fic.
Thanks for all the recs from last time! If you want to look me up on twitter I am mamasutra73. I also have a facebook page for fanfic I am Mamasutra Fanfiction there. The links to my blogs are on my author's profile here on if you are interested. I will say that I will sometimes post teasers on my blog, just in case you are interested : )
Until next time….
Take care,
Mamasutra
xoxoTop of Form
AN 2021
Thanks to all who are taking a trip down memory lane w/ this fic. I found Skyscraper so I will be posting that one next.
XOXO
Lori