Epilogue 1

Ana

January 2018

I add the last swipe of mascara and regard myself in the mirror. Deep breaths just aren't doing the trick to ground me anymore. I feel like I'm in an alternate reality, because this one just can't be real.

"Hey, there's my trophy wife," a voice in the doorway says. I turn and see Christian smirking, but his eyes are alight with the unmistakable pride that they've carried since last night.

Last night…

In the world's strangest turn of events, against all odds, the stuff of dreams I never knew I had, I am now a three-time Grammy winner. And I'm still spinning from it.

After I was nominated, I wasn't even sure if I was going to go. The eyes on me had finally started to look way, my life becoming at least somewhat like the way it was before. I was old news, and the media had latched onto something new. And then the request came in for me to perform.

December 2017

"You can't honestly be surprised," Ezra says gently. "You were the year's biggest success story. You broke chart records. There would be backlash from all directions if the Recording Academy didn't ask you, and it'll be more of a story if you don't say yes."

I sigh as his eyes follow me, pacing the length of the kitchen island, back and forth. "I'm phasing myself out. I don't want to mess that up."

"But if you do this, it gives this chapter some closure. Christian, tell her."

He catches my hand as I hasten past him for the twentieth time, the simple contact relaxing me a little. He doesn't say anything immediately, just looks at me, gauging my mood.

"Don't you want to give everyone who doubted you that final 'fuck you?' Do you remember the headlines before your first one came out?" Ezra continues, then sighs. "I just want to see you bask in the success you so richly deserve, Ana. For you to see that you earned it. Of course it's up to you, but I can't help it, I want to see you thrive in your gift."

Christian looks at him as he speaks, then looks back at me impassively. He's leaving it up to me, keeping his thoughts to himself. I glance at Ezra. "Can you give us a minute?"

He pauses, glancing between us, then nods in acquiescence. "If you need me, I'll be locked in the bathroom and reading through all the memes Mia sent me." I laugh as he leaves. God, those two.

When he's out of sight, I walk into Christian's open arms and lean my head on his shoulder. "Is he right?" I mutter.

"He's right that you have a gift. He's right that you earned it. And he's right that it's up to you." He kisses the side of my head.

I raise my head to look at him. "Tell me what you actually think. I'm not living in a vacuum, what I do affects all of us."

"It could potentially close a chapter. You do deserve redemption. I would shamelessly enjoy being seen next to you at an event that public. That's what I think." He smiles patiently and tucks my hair behind my ear. "But it affects you the most. Do you actually like performing? I thought writing was the part you enjoyed."

"I like it in some ways, but I worry about the attention it breeds." I pause, then begin to work out my thoughts aloud. "Kate said something about leaving crumbs… giving them enough that they're not asking for more, but not so much that they think you're constantly available. I've been under the radar for months. This is a specific thing that I'm almost expected to do… and it would be widely available after the fact. It could be rewatched. And… fuck, now that you said it, I kind of want to go with you. You'd actually want to go?"

He beams at this. It blows my mind how happy it makes him, still, every time I allude to the fact that he's my favorite person to be with. "You think I'd miss that? And for you, I'm always available as arm candy."

I laugh. "I guess I could call it a last hurrah. Or date night."

"We could have fun… make it ours."

"Did Ezra put you up to this? Or worse, Beth?"

He smirks. "The dads at Teddy's school who stare at you every fucking day put me up to this. That and my natural pride in my wife's brilliance."

It was hard not to be sold after that.

So, I agreed to perform, and we more or less made the world explode by doing the red carpet together. But what still makes my heart pound with happiness are the private moments with him. The subtle touches, kisses when the cameras weren't watching, or even when they were, quietly critiquing everyone else's outfits and whose music is actually good. I got the feeling that everyone there thought they were way too cool for everyone else, so just like he said we would, we made it our own.

I expected an unusual and diverting night with my husband, accompanied by the duties of performing. I didn't expect to win.

First, they called my name for Best New Artist. Then, for Song of the Year for Cardigan. I performed towards the middle of the show, again focusing on my set rather than any other outside elements, I gave shaky acceptance speeches that I barely remember, and then I returned to my seat between Christian and Ezra, who had Mia on his other side, expecting to finally have the night off. But I didn't.

"And the Grammy for Album of the Year goes to… Wildest Dreams, Anastasia Steele!"

I'm sorry, what? There's a camera in my face. My arms are being grabbed and shaken excitedly from both sides.

"Ana! We won! We did it!" I hear Ezra's voice in my ear, then turn to see Christian smiling at me triumphantly.

"You did it, baby!" They both help me stand up, then Mia hugs me, Christian kisses me, which is instantly calming and exciting at the same time, and then Ezra leads me up to the stage. I'm hugged by whoever just presented, I honestly can't remember, and then another Grammy is placed into my hands as Ezra steps up to the microphone.

"I'll go ahead and start since Ana probably needs a minute to stop shaking…" Audience laughter. Also, he's right. "It's hard to believe that I'm standing up here with one of the greatest songwriters I've ever known, and that she trusted me to be her collaborator in one of her most personal journeys. I have to thank you, Anastasia, because I don't know what's been more fulfilling, your talent as a professional or the friendship we've formed that I'll always treasure. I want to thank Mia, my girlfriend, for being the brightest part of my life, my family for not disowning me when I dropped out of college and decided to be a glorified DJ, and all of our collaborators on the album, I'm sure I'll be making you a drink soon. It's an honor to work with all of you. Thank you so much." And then he steps aside, takes my hand, and pulls me forward.

"Um… oh, God." I sound out of breath. The audience laughs lightly. "I want to thank… my best friend, Kate, for making me do this when I said there was no way I'd do this and for introducing me to someone who's ended up becoming my other best friend. Ezra, thank you for believing in me when you were the only one who knew this side of me, for standing by me every step of the way, and for getting me up here without face-planting. For that alone, you're the best.

"I want to thank the fans and everyone who ever streamed, bought, listened, heard against their will on the radio, whatever, to anyone who interacted with this album, I can't tell you how honored I am that you met me in this imaginary world I created, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for changing my life and for letting me into yours.

"I want to thank my family, my dad, Ray, for being the most constant support I've ever had, Mia, my sister in every way except blood, Elliot, for always being good for a laugh, my in-laws… and to my children, Teddy and Phoebe, I hope you're not watching because it's way past your bedtime, but I want you to know, it's very cool to win prizes and be recognized for something you worked really hard on, but no matter what, the honor of my life is being your mother. I love you more than you'll ever know.

"And finally, last but definitely not least, my husband, Christian…" I look around and find him in the audience, and then he's the only thing I see, his eyes shining and his smile lighting me up from within. "You are all of my wildest dreams wrapped into one. You make every single one of them come true. Thank you for choosing me, for letting me choose you, and for showing me what a love that feels brand new every single day is like. I love you so much. Oh, and thank you to the Recording Academy, goodnight!"

All of this has flooded back through my mind while I'm walking over to Christian, meeting him in his arms. "Mia is taking over downstairs, so I thought I'd come find you," he continues, leaning down to kiss me.

Ah, yes, Mia is throwing me an oh-my-God-you-won-some-Grammys party. On a Monday night. I preferred my Sunday night oh-my-God-you-won-some-Grammys sex, but this will have to do now. I thought no one would come, but apparently waiting any longer than one day to celebrate was unacceptable, and the nine to five life isn't really a thing in the music world, so the guest list is pretty hefty.

I wanted a quiet night with my babies, but they're away with Grandma and she's taking them to school tomorrow. I wish I was in a party mood, but honestly, I'm exhausted. I'm attributing it to the mental and somewhat physical strain of planning a performance and anticipating such a huge night.

"Do we have time for something fun before I have to share you?" I ask, weaving my fingers into his hair.

"We could always make time…" he murmurs, tightening his grip around me.

"Ana! Christian! Guests are arriving, get down here!" Mia screeches up the stairs, popping this very tempting bubble.

"Resistance is futile," we both sigh at the same time.

We head downstairs and immediately, I see some people I worked on the album with, so I put on a smile and go to greet them while Christian strikes up a conversation with Ezra. He's been spending more time with us lately, given that he's with Mia and we all spend more family time now than we used to, and I think there's actually a genuine friendship there. Christian and Elliot have even taken out Ezra a few times under the guise of scoping him out for their sister, but I think they just enjoy the guy time, because Ezra is fitting in no problem.

"Where are you going to keep your Grammys?" Claire, my cellist, excitedly redirects my attention.

We chat for a while and then I hear a distinct squeal. "Holy shit, it's my Grammy Award-winning best friend!" Kate engulfs me in a tight hug, and I feel my tension ease. "Can I see them?"

"Sure. I'll talk to you later, Claire." I blow her a kiss and lead Kate into the great room, where my shiny new toys are prominently displayed on the coffee table for the party. We're the only two in here for the moment, as Ezra just started mixing cocktails.

"Oh my gosh. They're so shiny! So, what, are you going to eat cereal out of one of these every morning now?"

I laugh. "I think they're just for visual enjoyment."

"By the way… thank you for thanking me in your speech. You're the best. I may or may not have cried into a bottle of champagne all night." We share a laugh, and then she gets a strange look. "Did you… have champagne?"

"Uh, not yet. There's some around here if you want some."

"No, no, I meant… last night." Her voice has a weird edge to it.

"I don't think we got around to that…" I feel myself blush. Nope, our celebration didn't involve alcohol.

Kate breaks into a huge smile. "Oh my God, Ana. You can tell me, you know. I won't tell… but I can tell."

Huh? "You can tell what?" That I got fucked within an inch of my life by my husband last night?

"You've been really tired these last few weeks… your appetite has changed… you're apparently not drinking… and not that I'm looking, but your boobs are fantastic these days… so…?"

Oh, Jesus Christ, she thinks I'm—! "Kate! No! No, no, no, I am not… I mean, I'm not… look, I just changed my birth control recently, back to the shot. I'm not… you know. I'm not."

Her brows knit together and she puts her hands on her hips. "I thought you and Christian were talking about another baby?"

"Talking, yes, not trying. Maybe in a year or something."

"Damn. I could have sworn… well, if you say so. If Ezra's mixing, I'm gonna go grab a cocktail. You coming?"

"Uh… yes, I'll be just a second. Bathroom." She smiles and rubs my arm, then heads off towards the kitchen.

Holy shit. She noticed all of that? I grab my phone and Google the effectiveness of the shot. Ninety-nine percent when used perfectly, but in reality, more like ninety-six percent. That's four percent room for error. That's ridiculous.

I run through everything she said again. Tired… yes, but that could be stress. My appetite… I'm hungrier than usual, but I haven't even had morning sickness, and I was sick with both of the first two. And my boobs… I reach up and give them a squeeze. Shit, they are a little tender, but I just attributed that to the fact that Christian is obsessed with them. I haven't bled, but that was usual for the shot.

So, why am I panicking?

I'm being completely ridiculous. I'm doing everything right. I did a pregnancy test before getting my last shot and it was negative, and that wasn't even twelve weeks ago. This one should still be active. No, it is active! It has to be.

But what if it's not?

I put both hands over my heart and take a deep breath. These symptoms could be nothing. I know that. But… I'm not excited about drinking all night unless I know for sure. It's better to know, right? Just to rule it out. Just so I don't freak myself out all night with a four percent possibility.

But I can't exactly go to a convenience store and grab a pregnancy test the day after I won three Grammys. Hello, next day's news. Who can I ask? Mia? No, blabbermouth. Christian? Let's not freak him out unnecessarily. Kate? No, because it's probably nothing and I don't want her to overanalyze this.

One name finally comes to me. I need someone discreet, dependable, and someone relevant enough to know my business, so I pull out my phone and text Sawyer.

I'm so sorry, buddy.

Hey, I need you to do something for me.

Christian has his arm wrapped around my waist while we both talk to Claire and Yuki. I'm drinking a "gin and tonic" that is really just sparkling water with a lime in it. Because you're paranoid. No, because I'm cautious. Overly, outrageously cautious.

"It makes more sense to live in LA, but I just love it here so much. Plus, now that we've got Ana and Ezra here, hopefully that means I've got a steady job!" Yuki is saying as I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I take it out and glance at it.

In the bathroom next to the library.

Sawyer, you are so getting a raise.

"Yes!" I answer Yuki. "Especially now that I've got a fancy studio here." I smile up at Christian. "I'll be right back, you guys, I gotta pee." On a stick. Because I'm freaking out for no reason.

I start to move away from Christian, but he keeps his hand at my waist, making me turn back. "Are you okay?" he asks, searching my face with probing eyes. Shit. We're not that telepathic, are we?

"Yeah, I'm fine." Probably. "Just have to pee." I kiss him right on the lips before he can answer and head straight for the hallway, feeling his eyes on me. I love you, but just let me rule this out so I can drink a real gin and tonic and chill the fuck out.

I close and lock the instructed bathroom door and find a bag from CVS on the counter. Inside are two pregnancy tests, one that uses lines and one that will just say pregnant or not.

Hopefully not.

Not yet.

I take a breath to steel myself and then go through the familiar motions robotically, leaving the two tests upside down on the sink while I wait.

It's probably nothing, calm down. I'm just doing this to be extra cautious. I really don't even know why her words got to me so much. I've noticed all these symptoms myself in the last few weeks, but I never thought much of them. It's probably just because she laid them all out in one very suggestive statement, and now I'm getting all in my head. And it scared me because now isn't the right time for us to have a baby. We're getting along so well, our kids are happy, we're both doing well at work, and for once, our lives are steady and calm. We're setting the stage to expand our family, but we're not there yet. That's why I'm taking every precaution.

The timer on my phone goes off. I put my hand on the first test, gearing myself up to flip it.

One line. One line. One line. I chant the words in my mind, willing them into existence.

Holding my breath, I squeeze my eyes shut, flip over the test, and then open them.

Two lines.

Two very clear, distinct lines.

With shaking hands, I flip over the other test.

Pregnant.

I lift my dress up and stare at my stomach in the mirror. On the outside, there's no evidence of the news I just learned. My clothes all still fit. My stomach looks exactly like it usually does, no protrusion.

My breath returns with alarming speed. I lay both tests on the sink and brace myself against it as an overwhelming cocktail of emotions washes over me like a tidal wave.

Fear. Shock. Disbelief. Confusion.

And yet, happiness. Joy. The best surprise mingled with near crippling anxiety.

I can't go back out to the party like this. On autopilot, I hide the boxes and the plastic bag in the cabinet under the sink, then put the tests into my bra and peek my head into the hallway. No one is there, so I head next door into the library and close the door.

I go and sit behind the couch, out of sight in case the door opens. I don't have long before people start to wonder where I am, so I'm praying the person I'm calling answers. After four rings, she does.

"Hello, Dr. Catherine Hall speaking."

"Catherine. It's Ana Grey."

"Ana! I hear that congratulations are in order."

For a second, I think she's somehow already found out, but then I remember the Grammys. "Oh, yes. Thank you."

"So, what can I do for you? Shouldn't you be celebrating?"

I swallow, a lump in my throat forming. "I should be. I'm at my own party right now and I, uh… I just got some startling news."

Her tone changes from lighthearted to serious. "I see. What happened?"

I swallow again, my throat drying just from anticipating having to say the words. "I think I'm pregnant."

She pauses. "You think?"

"I took two tests. They're both positive."

"I see," she says again. "Okay. Tell me what you're feeling right now."

Finally, tears start to trickle down my face, and I'm not sure which emotion is chiefly causing them. "I… I'm really scared. I don't know if this is the right time. I'm… really surprised and confused, because I thought I was doing everything right with birth control. But I'm also… so happy. I'm in such disbelief, but… I think part of it is because I'm afraid it's not true."

"Ana," she says kindly. "Of course you are. You love your children, and you truly do want another one. But your last pregnancy was very draining and it's completely valid to be afraid of going through something like that again. Does Christian know?"

"No, I literally just found out less than five minutes ago. He's still at the party."

"Are you afraid of his reaction?"

I shake my head, then remember that she can't see it. "No. I'm afraid I can't handle this. That I'll fail this child, and that there won't be enough of me to be what I need to be for my other children."

"Okay. Well, listen to me. Clearly, we have a while before this child arrives. We know your history and we know what to look for. You have a while to emotionally prepare yourself and your other children. Right now, we just need to focus on relaxing. All of this can be figured out and you won't be going through any of it alone. Okay? Can you take a deep breath for me? Breath in on four, hold for seven, then out on eight."

I do what she says, and I feel my heart rate marginally slow. My panic recedes just a bit and I wipe my eyes. "Okay. I feel a little better."

"Good. We can talk about this in a session, Ana. Do you think you can go out and enjoy the rest of your night?"

"I can try."

"I know you're scared, but I promise you that we will figure this out. You're not alone. You never are."

I sigh. "I know. I know. Thank you."

"I'm glad you called. Keep breathing as long as you need to."

After I hang up, I do a few more guided breaths leaning against the back of the couch until I start to feel more like myself. It's hard to forget the two little tests that feel like a lead weight against my chest, but it is what it is. There's time. We can figure this out. I take them out and set them on the end table. Well, I guess I'm not drinking tonight. Or any night for the foreseeable future.

Outside, I faintly hear the sound of footsteps and doors opening, then a quietly anxious voice. "Ana?" My heart sinks. It's Christian. Shit, I stayed away too long. Before I can consider how I'm going to explain myself, the door swings open and light from the hallway illuminates the room. "Ana!" His voice is even more frenzied now that he sees me, and I remember that I've been crying. He shoots forward and starts rubbing my arms, his eyes frantically searching mine. "What is it? What's wrong?"

I grapple with what to say, how honest to be, how he'll react, and what comes out does so in a feeble whisper. "This isn't how I wanted to tell you."

His eyes fractionally widen in alarm, and he instinctively pulls me closer. "Tell me what? Ana, what's going on?"

I feel like I've swallowed my tongue, so instead of answering, I just move my gaze to the two tests hiding in plain sight on the table. His eyes follow mine and I can practically feel the shift in the air when he realizes what he's looking at.

"Is that… are you…?"

"I think so."

He's silent for a moment, and I can feel him staring at me as I still stare at the tests, then he pulls me into a tight embrace, stroking my hair. "Oh, Ana. Are you okay? What's happening in your head?" His voice betrays nothing except concern.

He's concerned about me? I raise my arms and hug him back, surprised and grateful for the contact. "I… I'm shocked. And afraid. And… at the same time, really happy?"

He hugs me tighter and laughs, almost in relief. "You are? You're happy?"

"So happy." The more I say it out loud, the more I realize how true it is. "Are you…?"

He pulls back to look at me and I see tears in his eyes. "I'm having another baby with the love of my life. Yes, Ana, I'm happy."

I laugh with joy and relief and surprise, all at once. "I guess I have to get it confirmed."

"Can I come with you?"

"Would you?"

"Of course, baby." He takes a step back and puts one hand over my belly, looking down with heartwarming incredulity. I place mine over his and we both stare down at them.

"I'm almost afraid it isn't real," I whisper.

"You really want this?" he says tenderly, lifting his other hand to stroke my cheek.

"How could I not? It's another little piece of you and me, at a time when I've never loved you more. It's not perfect, but… Teddy was the shock of a lifetime, and I know in my soul that he was meant to be here. Maybe this was, too."

Instead of answering, he lifts me into the air, spins me around, and kisses me hard. After a moment, he stops and quickly sets me down, looking me over. "Shit, baby, I'm sorry. Are you feeling sick?"

I giggle and shake my head. "No. Just tired, breasts are tender, hungrier than usual… I didn't think it was anything, but something Kate said made me want to be sure, and I guess that was for the best."

His eyes narrow slightly. "Have you had anything to drink tonight?"

"No. That's why I wanted to be sure."

He sighs in relief. "Thank God we never got around to ordering champagne last night."

"We should get back out there… I'm sorry I made you worry. I needed a minute after that." I snicker. "You might be drinking for two tonight."

"You'll make an appointment tomorrow?" I nod and his eyes soften. "Okay. I love you so much, Ana. We'll get through this, no matter what."

I know. "No matter what." He kisses me again, softly, passionately, gratefully, and I forget all about the party.

A/N: Damn. Ana had a busy couple of days! This was actually supposed to be longer, but apparently I can't cover everything about the pregnancy in one go because it was already super long, so I'm splitting it up. So, this is basically part one of the first epilogue. Which means we now have FOUR epilogues.

I honestly had no idea there would be so much interest in reading more. I thought you were all sick of me by now!

Also, if you're at all curious about Ana's Grammy performance, watch Taylor Swift at this year's Grammys, that's basically what I imagine.