an: thank you if you're still here reading ❤

•thirteen•

Edward flipped through the catalog of MX gear disinterestedly, neither the pictures nor prices registering. He was listening too intently to the sound of footsteps coming down the hall, slow and heavy, with a gait he knew by heart.

Jasper used to sneak out and drive to Alice's house after Gram had gone to bed, his footsteps never as quiet as he intended them to be. He'd poke his head into Edward's bedroom just to make sure he was all right, and then disappear, returning hours later, tired, but happy.

"Just wait until you get a girl who wants to suck your dick as much as Alice likes to suck mine," he quipped one morning when Edward had asked him why he was always sneaking out.

Edward hadn't understood at that age what Jasper had meant. Now he did. He was thinking about Bella's mouth. He was thinking about his dick in her mouth. His cell burned a hole in his pocket, begging to be looked at again. He already knew there'd be nothing from her, though. She hadn't interacted with him in weeks and he wasn't expecting her to either. Not with how they left things.

Jasper's head appeared through the door before the rest of him. Hair longer, face and body fuller, a healthier glow to his skin from being out in the fields. It surprised Edward.

"You're back," he said, his voice gravelly. Edward leaned forward, arms sticking to the oil-cloth covering the kitchen table.

"Yeah."

"Emmett here?"

"Taking Rose back to her aunt and uncle's, staying a few days there."

"Ah, yeah. I think he said somethin' about that on the phone the other day."

Edward nodded, eyes tracing the dark pattern of flowers on the tablecloth, a palpable awkwardness between them.

"You look better," Edward tried.

Jasper came further into the kitchen.

"Sixty-two days."

"That's good." Edward stopped short of saying he was proud of him, even though he was—he'd expected Jasper to have fucked up by now. The fact he was still here was nothing short of miraculous. "You seen Amber and Austin yet?"

Jasper sat in the chair opposite Edward stiffly, his hands in the pockets of an old hoodie Edward recognized as his; gray, with a hole in the right-side pocket.

"No." The word was loaded. Defensive and apprehensive.

"Why not?"

Jasper's shoulders rounded, his fingers pulling out a lighter from the pocket that probably didn't have the hole. He twisted it around in his hands. A silver Zippo, flipping open the case over and over, repetitively. It was a long time before he spoke.

"How'd I even begin to explain? How'd I even try and start makin' things right? Some things are just… too broken to fix. I can't. I can't ever make it up to them. For all the time I missed out on. Ever. I doubt they'd even know who I am."

Edward was quiet. He sensed the turmoil in Jasper's words. The self-hatred. The regret. That was new.

"Just gotta put yourself through it. For them. Not for you. You know how it was growing up without Mom and Dad, and you're doin' the same to them. Depriving them of a dad." His thoughts were now firmly on Kasey; how much she would love to have her daddy in her life. How she never would. "They might not forgive you, but at least you'd know you tried to make it right."

Jasper flipped open the lighter again, snapping it shut, before placing it on the table and spinning it. He looked at Edward helplessly.

"Maybe Alice is right. Maybe they're better off without me. Y'heard her, she's not gonna let me see them anyway. I can't fight her if that's what she wants… they'd never let me."

Edward assumed he was talking about Child Protective Services. If Alice decided to go down that road. Somehow, he didn't think she would do that, though.

"Maybe," Edward told him. "Think that's up to Amber and Austin to decide."

Jasper palmed his chin, his breath shallow.

"Would you ever forgive me? Are you… would you ever be able to? Somethin' tells me no."

"I dunno," Edward told him, picking at a peeling bit of skin on a finger.

"I'm sorry," Jasper told him sincerely. "When I think 'bout you almost dying and I didn't even know… It's—I hate myself for it. I hate myself."

Edward was sure he did, just from the misery etched into his face. After rising to his feet, he placed his mug in the sink, staring out the kitchen window, seeing Gram slowly walking with her stick, the ball launcher in her hand and Riley streaking through the field behind her.

Edward stopped before he left the room, a delicate hand on his brother's shoulder. Jasper jumped at the unexpected contact, but his head remained bowed.

"Carry on getting better. Okay? And see your damn kids. That'd go a long way toward me forgivin' you... It's everything you left behind that hurt the most."

…

Emmett arrived back on a Wednesday—early—too early for him. Edward shifted off the old wooden stool he was sitting on and stood, feet scuffing on the concrete floor as he walked to the tool bench, looking over the Harley and the pieces spread out on the workbench ready for cleaning; buffing up, replacing.

Riley followed him, ears pricking, tail wagging as Edward cleaned off blackened hands on an old rag, before rolling up the sleeves of the thick checked shirt he'd worn over a t-shirt for Riley's morning walk—a sudden cold snap the first indication that in a few weeks' time, autumn would be arriving. He watched as Emmett hopped out of the truck, vape hanging from his mouth and a beanie hat over his head, starting toward him, purposefully.

"What're you doing back here so early?"

"Ahh." Emmett was noncommittal, playing with the car keys, hooking them around his finger before pocketing them in worn jeans.

"What's wrong? You and Rose have a fight?"

"Nah." Emmett hesitated a little too long, looking at him. "You got a minute?"

Edward didn't like the look on Emmett's face.

"What's goin' on?"

"Sit down. Got somethin' to show you."

Edward scrolled through the pictures; through pages of gossip and speculation about him and Bella. He moved back to the blurry photo of her hugging him in Ohio, after his win; of him with Kasey on his bike. It was a riot of people's shitty opinions; on the age difference between them, on her, her intentions, her character, her looks…

"You know who did this, don't you?" Emmett said flatly. "You know who was there—"

Edward's stomach rolled. Sure, he knew. He knew as soon as he'd seen the site; a sinking feeling in his gut, kicking himself for forgetting Angela had been there. He'd passed over it as purely coincidental. But to what end this served Angela, he didn't know. She had nothing to gain from this. Nothing to lose, either.

"Why were you looking at this stuff anyway?"

He passed Emmett's cell back, having seen and read enough. Black words burned into his head.

Emmett snorted. "I'm your manager. Of course I Google you sometimes, especially after all the shit with Ang. I wanted to see what people were saying about your win. Instead, I find a pit of snakes bitching about who you're choosing to spend your time with."

"Didn't realize my life was so interesting," Edward muttered.

Emmett surveyed him, grinning. "It's cos you're a pretty boy."

"Fuck off."

"Are you gonna call her? Tell her what's on there?"

He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it out of frustration, imagining what Bella would say when she realized she was being targeted by these… trolls. Or worse, if she already knew.

"Some of these people are brutal. But have you ever…"

"Have I ever what?"

Emmett hesitated.

"Have you ever thought that maybe she is using you?"

Edward scrubbed his hand over his face, over a two-day-old stubble that scratched at his palm.

"I wondered whether we'd only hooked up in the first place because of me reminding her of Jared, yeah," he admitted, sheepishly. "But… she doesn't give me that impression when we're together. And she said no when I asked her the same question."

"She could just be lying, though. You gotta admit it's kinda… weird."

Edward started to feel irritated—at himself, at Angela, and at the fact his life seemed to be entertainment fodder.

"I don't think so."

"But she could be lying. Reliving her days with her husband through you… and I mean, no offense, but you've got terrible taste in women… that prissy little cheerleader you were with in high school… what was her name?"

"Aw, don't." Edward groaned, screwing his face up. "Stacey."

"Didn't you fuck her mom, too?"

Edward shook his head. "Older sister."

Emmett winced. "Damn. And the one after, she didn't last long."

"Heidi?"

"Heidi. And then there was the other one. I want to say Leigh?"

"Leah."

"She was okay. And Ang—"

"—is a fucking bitch. Bella is nothing like her. And we're not together, so everything you're saying here is besides the point. They can say what they want on the Internet. It don't make it right, or true."

"But you want to be," Emmett challenged, crossing his arms. "You want to make it an actual thing? With Bella?"

"I—" Edward trailed off. "Yeah. Maybe."

"Does she know that?"

"She said she doesn't want that. She's made that clear. Besides, she's not even talking to me right now. It's casual fun. No strings attached. No feelings."

"Yeah, well, if she's seen any of this... I think her feelings are gonna be hurt. You don't really know her, not really. "

"I know her well enough."

"Sure," Emmett said disbelievingly, pushing off the workbench he was leaning against. "Look, I just thought you should know."

Edward tutted in disbelief.

"Yeah. Thanks, Em, I guess."

Emmett started for the garage door, only getting so far when Edward spoke.

"You're a hypocrite, you know," he called after him. "How well did you know Rose before you invited her on the road with us? A week? Two?"

Emmett's feet faltered. "Fair point," he conceded. "But Rose doesn't have a dead husband, or a kid. She's not hard work like that."

Edward flipped him off as he slinked away, reaching for his cell as soon as Emmett was out of sight. He had to laugh to himself when he realized he didn't even have any other way of contacting Bella except Instagram.

He messaged her. A simple:

are you okay?

With Emmett now in the confines of the house, Edward began a hunt in the drawers of an old dresser at the back of the garage. He found what he was looking for; an old rusting fishing tackle box. Opening it up, he plucked out an old packet of cigarettes that contained a couple of pre-rolled joints and a lighter. Emmett wouldn't be impressed, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

A little sweet relief never hurt anyone.

…

Hey. I'm good. Sorry for the silence, just been busy this week getting ready for Kasey's birthday.

The message was unexpected, in the middle of a Sunday family get-together at Alice's. Austin and Amber were in the pool, the midday sun beating down. Gram and Alice sitting in the shade of a gazebo; him, Emmett, and Rose all choosing to sit out in the heat.

Jasper had stubbornly refused to join them, instead choosing to spend the day with Trev.

Leaning back in his patio chair, Edward was shirtless and soaking up the rays, his skin sweating. He read the words again, shielding his cell from the brightness with a cupped hands.

When's her birthday?

23rd August.

That's in three days.

Well done! you can count ?

He smiled.

Don't give me much time to get my biggest fan a present, does it?

You don't have to do that.

I am

how's the hunt for the puppy going?

Bella sent him the 'shh' emoji.

She's forgotten, so I'm just hoping no one reminds her

what does she want? Apart from a puppy?

You don't have to get her anything.

I want to. Send me your address.

You're too good. Stop making me like you so much.

Edward sent her a smirking yellow face.

No.

"Hey, Alice, what do five-year-old girls like?"

Alice's dark head turned from her conversation with Gram, a large glass of wine in hand. Her red lips curved into a smile, but her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Why?"

"Because I need to buy a birthday present for a five-year-old girl."

"And why would you need to do that?"

"Since he's been banging her mom," Emmett interrupted, raising his beer.

"Emmett," Gram scolded.

"True though." He leaned back so far in the chair it balanced on the back legs. Edward seized his chance, kicking out his foot and sending Emmett flying backward into the grass. He landed with a heavy thud, beer slopping all over him.

"Fucker."

Alice and Rose laughed out loud, Austin tearing toward him with a shout, belly flopping down on Emmett with no hesitation. Emmett grunted in pain, muffled swearing.

"How much do you like the mom?" Alice asked, finger tucking straight, black hair behind her ear.

"Enough."

"Huh." She smiled, slyly.

"Look, are you gonna help me out here or not?"

Alice beamed. "Sure. I can help. Don't sweat it."

…

Edward was sweating. Nervous. The drive had been fucking long, and he was tired, but he figured surprising Kasey might be worth it. Sending the present through the mail was a no-go—it would never arrive in time—and this seemed like a reasonable alternative, seeing that he had no obligations for the next week.

Emmett had told him he was fucking crazy.

Edward thought he might have a point. Still, it hadn't deterred him.

The house he pulled up to was ten miles or so from the trailer where Bella had taken him. A modest two story; with a large garage to the side. Someone had tied balloons to the front porch—pink and purple and icy blue—a glittery happy birthday banner across the door.

He'd reached out to Victoria over Instagram last night when he was debating turning back, and she'd given him this address. She'd loved the idea of him turning up unannounced; a squeal typed over messages. It had provided all the moral support he needed to drive the last few hours of the journey this morning.

Edward didn't stay in the truck, getting out as soon as the engine was off, retrieving the present Alice had carefully wrapped for him.

The steps to the porch never seemed so long, and neither did the moments after rapping his fist against the door, heart-pounding in time with footsteps from inside, coming closer.

"You're early!" Bella's voice came, but her head wasn't turned this way looking at him, but back down the corridor behind her, checking something.

"Yeah, sorry," he said, a grin spreading on his face as her head whipped around. Edward watched as Bella's expression portrayed a myriad of emotions.

She was staring, mouth open.

"What are you doing here?" Bella finally uttered, her voice low.

"Came to wish my biggest fan a happy fifth birthday." Edward looked down at his feet, at the present he'd placed on the floor in front of him, the glittery dots shining on pink wrapping paper. "If that's okay?"

"You drove all this way?"

"Nah, just passing through."

Bella blinked and then she laughed, a hand coming to her chest, and then she flung herself at him, on her tiptoes, arms around his neck. She smelled good, but she felt better.

"Oh my God. I can't believe you'd do this."

"Yeah, well. Vic reassured me it was cool. I hope it is okay. I wasn't sure what kind of plans you had, or—"

"No. No… I'm just really... really surprised."

"Good surprise?"

She gave him a good once over, a slow growing smile.

"Good surprise. Kasey's just out in the yard; she's going to love that you're here. God, Edward..."

She kissed him quickly on the mouth.

"You're making this really hard," she told him earnestly, looking at him with deep brown eyes.

"Making what really hard?"

"To not like you so much "

He bent down, dragged his mouth across her cheek to her ear, warm soft skin under his lips.

"Good."