A drop of sweat slid down Elizabeth's neck as she walked down the hall to Mr. Darcy's study. She felt as if the walls were closing on her, and the summer heat only added to the sense of suppression. Her steps echoed through the corridor. She took a deep breath as she stood in front of the ornate door, her knuckles just brushing the wood. There was no way to avoid him, she reasoned, and yet she could not force herself to move.
There was no way to predict Mr. Darcy's reaction to the incident – Elizabeth was absolutely certain Miss Darcy had shared it with her brother, the siblings were too close to keep secrets from each other. He had no reason to keep someone who could, by a mere association, mar his and his sister's reputation.
But he also carried his own principles, even when they clashed with expectations of his class. If he believed the benefit of her presence to Miss Darcy outweighed the danger of slander, he would likely demand she stopped fretting about inconsequential opinions of idiots and kindly use her time to plan the next lesson which was the task for which he actually paid her.
She knocked.
"Come in!"
Mr. Darcy leaned on the window frame, drinking from a glass and overseeing the vast gardens underneath. He had abandoned his coat – it had been haphazardly thrown over a chaise lounge in the corner – and stood there wearing only his shirtsleeves and linen waistcoat. As he turned to face her, she noticed his cravat had been loosened, as if he could tolerate no more the suffocating feeling against his throat.
They stared at each other. Elizabeth was aware of the blush creeping to her cheeks. Mr. Darcy was equally uncomposed by his state of relative undress in front of his young female employee.
"I do not find summers agreeable," he said as if to explain himself. "Please, excuse my appearance."
"You were clearly not expecting me. Please, do not apologize for finding comfort in the privacy of your study." She offered him a strained smile. He nodded and gestured towards the chairs. As they took their seats, she turned her attention to the items spread over the desk. A pair of concave mirrors, a brass tube and several cogwheels. A bottle of polish and a piece of the softest muslin.
"Oh. Is this Sir Robert Darcy's telescope?"
"None other." The corners of his mouth lifted slightly, as he resumed the task of cleaning the parts. She was unsure if she should help with the mirrors, as they were the most delicate part of the telescope. But she saw no reason why she should not help with the cogwheels. Mr. Darcy nodded with thanks.
For a moment they were simply cleaning the parts in silence, before she gathered the courage to inquire about the stargazing lesson.
"It is not a mere fanciful use of this rare cloudless weather," Mr. Darcy chuckled. "I suppose her unexpected interest in astronomy only strengthened my resolve. I told you earlier I wish to participate in teaching Georgiana mathematics and physics. This would be the perfect opportunity for both with a practical demonstration to deepen her understanding."
She felt herself relax.
"The first part of this course should focus on the mathematics. Have you reviewed fractions with Georgiana?"
"Yes. Unsurprisingly, she has an uncanny knack for solving them. I suspect her musical education is behind that."
A ghost of a smile appeared on Mr. Darcy's lips. His dishevelled appearance only made him look more – human? As if with the hat and the coat he had taken off his guarded shell as well.
"I must admit that lesson on ratios almost cost us a perfectly serviceable harp, when I demonstrated Pythagorean harmonics. But I cannot repine that, for the next month she had spent by transducing any melody she came across into a compound fraction to be solved. I imagine that in her mind fractions had long stopped representing a number and instead became something akin to the greatest abstraction of a tone." The fondness in his voice was palpable.
"I can see why you insist on having the pleasure of teaching her as well," said Elizabeth and laid the cogwheel neatly on the desk. "I have never seen a mind so sharp, so hungry for knowledge. It is indeed gratifying to witness her learning new things."
"I am glad the admiration is mutual. Georgiana is your most devoted pupil."
The discussion turned to the other parts of the lesson. Mr. Darcy sketched his idea of progression from the fractions to the geometry of optics. "I would like Georgiana to first understand the theory behind the reflective telescope before we assembly this." He gestured towards the parts. "After all, it is a family heirloom. She shall be allowed to care for it."
"She will be joyful to do this with you, sir." After all, Elizabeth knew precisely how much her charge missed her brother, who had to, by the virtue of their station, leave her behind far too often. The opportunity to share their love for knowledge was to be cherished.
As she rose from her seat, he asked her to stay for a moment more. They had another issue to discuss – and whatever peace Elizabeth found there, left her veins.
"About what happened in the fields. Yes, Miss Bennet, Georgie informed me. I am afraid the topic needs to be examined. Judging by your reaction I know you withhold some important fact – I cannot blame you for protecting your privacy, but I must know who takes care of my only sister. Your behaviour here is impeccable, but those occasions cast a doubt about the state of your mind. It worries me and I wish to help."
"I am not insane, sir, if that is what you insinuate. I am fully in possession of my wits."
"I do not accuse you of that. But you must concede a nervous attack in the middle of fields provides a different picture. Georgiana is terrified for your sake, and I admit what I have seen, makes me uneasy about your wellness."
"Sir, with all due respect, I am afraid you have misconstrued my character. I am not a hysterical lunatic who suffers bouts of nerves for theatrics sake. What happened last week was a failure of my composure and I will apologize for that. But I insist I am of sound mind."
He narrowed his eyes, and too late Elizabeth realized she reacted to accusations from Hertfordshire, not the concerns of the worried brother and the master of the estate.
"Then what makes you recoil in fear when there is no danger around?"
"The experience of believing that."
They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Elizabeth flinched.
"What happened?" Mr. Darcy asked, his voice strangely soft.
"Unpleasant things. Sir – please, excuse me. "
She fled.
. . .
Darcy seldom met people who intrigued him as much as the governess did. Most of the time, the young woman was the picture of genteel composure. She carried the air of polite aloofness, only for someone else to occasionally glimpse through the carefully maintained façade. Witty. Vivacious. Petrified.
(Unpleasant things, her voice echoed in his mind.)
Georgiana was the only one towards whom she acted with unguarded warmth, he noticed. He recalled her mentioning once she had younger sisters. Once again, he questioned what forced a woman of her looks and talents to forsake her position among gentry in order to seek employment. Her father was alive. Her lack of dowry, though adding difficulty to her situation, could not drive away all suitors. She must have been around Georgiana's age, when she had left for the seminary, he realized. There were circumstances that would render a young woman unfit for a proper marriage.
Not a young woman; a girl.
(Unpleasant things.)
His throat was dry.
As he walked along the balustrade circling the wide-open space of the library, he watched both young women work through Newton's Opticks. His sister giggled as she sketched a diagram of light reflection, when Miss Bennet noticed him and stiffened. Georgiana turned around and brightened up, once she realized that he carried the disassembled telescope of Sir Robert Darcy.
"I hope I am not intruding."
"No, sir. It is the time for the practical example anyway."
"Oh, Fitzwilliam, you were serious!" Georgiana was all glee and she ushered him to take his place at their desk.
Darcy smiled and placed the individual parts on the table. "Now, before we put this together, let me see if you can figure out how it works?"
Georgiana did not need to be asked twice and threw herself into a flurry of diagrams and equations. Darcy had to correct her here and there, but she tackled the problem with a gusto.
He allowed himself to sneak a glance at Miss Bennet. Their eyes met. She paled and looked away.
Turning his attention back to his sister's work, he gently nudged her towards the telescope itself. Together they assembled the tool, and Darcy felt compelled to share his memories about their great-uncle (Edgar Darcy, the captain of Persephone, not Alastair Darcy, the judge) spending many evenings with him working on the very same telescope. They used to camp on a hill nearby throughout the nights, and he taught him all about constellations. Stars show you the way home.
"Catch a nap, Georgie. We shall go stargazing tonight."
His sister jumped to her feet. "You promise?" Before he could answer, she wrapped her arms firmly around his torso and squeezed. "You are the best of brothers."
"I am. Off with you. We shall set on the trip after dinner."
With giggles, she left the room, leaving him with Miss Bennet, who seemed disconcerted by their display of emotion.
"Miss Bennet-"
"I must apologize for my behaviour, sir. I never intended to disrespect you."
He nodded. She would have to be a complete idiot if that was her intention.
"It is of no matter, Miss Bennet, but I must emphasise your mental state is disturbing. I have never injured you in any way and yet you act, when unguarded, as if I was about to hit you. We both need to cooperate when it comes to Georgiana. I cannot avoid you completely. I mean only to help. If there is anything to put you at ease, please, let me know."
She stared at him.
"Sir you are mistaken…"
"Miss Bennet, I will not press you for a complete and honest explanation, but do not presume I will tolerate lying."
He noticed her fingers clenching into fists, her spine rigid. Her nostrils quivered, and he thought she was just barely forcing herself to control her face.
"The soap," she said at last. "Or cologne. Whatever it is you are wearing now."
"The soap?"
"It… the smell is repugnant to me." At his shocked expression she continued. "Not in terms of it stinking, far from it. But I associate it with a… very painful memory. Rationally, I know you have nothing to do with it. But the mere scent is enough to force me to relive it."
He sighed.
"Well, that would explain that evening. Thank you, Miss Bennet. I will let my valet know to discard it."
Now, she stared at him, astonished.
"Miss Bennet, it is just soap. Letting go of one particular scent is much easier than finding another teacher for my sister who would have your qualifications." He paused. "I would recommend following Georgiana's example and catch some rest. We will be out till dawn."