Bella: …t *wakes up in a hospital* I'm guessing this means I'm not dead? Or does the afterlife just suck?
Edward: I'm sure the afterlife sucks, but you're not there yet.
Bella: Well that's disappointing, the world kinda sucks.
Edward: You're just saying that because you're in pain.
Bella: Doesn't make it less true. Anyway, what happened?
Edward: Don't worry, you don't have to know the details, you have a head injury…and several other injuries.
Bella: Pretty sure if I have that much memory loss, people are going to be very concerned about my head injuries.
Edward: All you need to know is that you fell down two flights of stairs and went out a window, landing on concrete, so we brought you to the hospital.
Bella: Ah, so that's the cover story. Now, what's the real story?
Edward: …yes…cover story…
*flashback*
Alice: Oops, might have had a little too much fun fabricating evidence.
Edward: I understand that you needed to break a window to make things seem legitimate, but did you need to use Bella to do it?
Alice: …you know, in hindsight, probably not.
*back in the hospital*
Edward: It was almost like Alice was trying to get you so injured that I'd have no choice but to turn you in order to save you.
Bella: Speaking of Alice, did she see the tape, and what James said about her?
Edward: She did. She also said I wasn't allowed to watch it. She said something about there being sensitive information on it. Guess she's just not comfortable talking about it with anyone else just yet.
Bella: *remembering what she said on the tape* Yes…that must be it. Anyway, what happened to James?
Edward: Oh yeah, James is dead.
Bella: You killed him?
Edward: Well, Jasper and Emmett did. I was more concerned with getting the vampire venom out of your system.
Bella: Which somehow worked?
Edward: Yeah, Carlisle and Alice didn't think it would either. But I believed in myself, and I managed to do it.
Bella: I don't…whatever. What about Charlie and Renée? How much do they know?
Edward: Charlie's been told you're in hospital, and Renée's getting something to eat.
Bella: She's here?
Edward: Yep. In fact… *throws himself onto a chair and pretends to be asleep just as Renée walks in*
Renée: Bella? You're awake. Excellent. Now I can tell you about this new thing me and Phil tried called the…
Bella: DEAR GOD NO!
Renée: What? What's wrong with hearing your mother talk about her intense sex life? And believe me, it's way better than anything I ever had with Charlie…
Bella: Which of these machines specifically are keeping me alive? I'm gonna need to unplug it immediately.
Renée: Oh, stop being so overdramatic. I can tell you've been doing the same with this boy. An excellent choice, by the way. So handsome…
Bella: Mum, no. We haven't…
Renée: What, really? You haven't made the beast with two backs with him yet? What is wrong with you? Have I taught you nothing?
Bella: Can we talk about literally anything else?
Renée: Okay, we won't talk about you having sex.
Bella: Thank God…wait…
Renée: So, since you aren't going to bang him, can I…
Bella: No. And I'm telling Phil.
Renée: Listen, you either give me and grandchild, or you're getting a sibling.
Bella: Mum, I'm seventeen.
Renée: He doesn't have to know that.
Bella: HE'S seventeen.
Renée: Really? *looks at Edward* Huh, seems older.
Bella: Where's Phil, by the way?
Renée: Oh, he's back in Jacksonville. Apparently the Suns wanted him.
Bella: He actually got signed?
Renée: Yeah. So, when are you coming home to Jacksonville? It just doesn't feel like home without an audience for our "shows", if you catch my drift…
Bella: I do, unfortunately, and if that's the case, I'm staying in Washington.
Renée: Aww, come on. Please?
Bella: Look, Charlie may be a bit of a psychopath…
Renée: Not really. He only killed six minorities while I was married to him.
Bella: THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT! Anyway, he may be a maniac, but…I dunno, school or something? I need to finish up somewhere, and…
Renée: It's because of the boy, isn't it?
Bella: If I say yes, will you let me stay in Forks?
Renée: Yes, but you'll be missing out on…
Bella: Then yes.
Renée: Fine, I'm just gonna have to practice getting louder *leaves the room*
Edward: You know, I could have just come and visited you in Jacksonville.
Bella: It's on the exact opposite side of the country to Forks. Also, it's sunny there. You'd be stuck inside all day, and…
Edward: And we'd hang out at night.
Bella: Oh, yeah, that's not suspicious. Here's my boyfriend, he can only come out under the cover of darkness.
Edward: Hmm…I can see why that might be a problem.
Bella: I know how we can fix it though.
Edward: How?
Bella: Make me a vampire.
Edward: …no.
Bella: Why not?
Edward: Look, I became a vampire because I was dead. I couldn't do anything about that. You've still got things to live for.
Bella: Are you really gonna keep me alive just because I've got family? I don't even like them that much.
Edward: Yeah, but I also don't want you to go through three days of pain.
Bella: God damn it, make me immortal.
Edward: We're done talking about this.
Bella: No we're…
Edward: *pushing a button* Nurse, she's ready for more morphine.
Bella: Oh, you prick.
Edward: *as the nurse enters* You'll feel better when you've slept on it.
Bella: *as the morphine starts to take effect* Scrrrrrrewwwww youuuuu… *falls asleep*