A/N: I am so excited for Chicago PD season 9 to start tomorrow! I even saw an interview that Jesse (Jay) did and this season they are doing an episode that is dedicated to Jay's military past. Someone from his past comes up and the team learns more about Jay's military past. Super excited for that! I am hoping we get to finally discover what happened to Jay to make him leave the Army.

Chapter 4

It was just after six that night when Jay walked into his apartment. He wasn't surprised to find Jason sitting on the couch alone. He knew that Will had been called into work after a large pile up on the highway. The hospitals were going to be overflowing with different levels of injuries from it all. He knew Will wouldn't be home tonight and would adjust sleep in an on-call room before he would have to work in the morning. He saw Jason sitting on the couch with a beer and a hockey game on. A quick look told him that Clay was sleeping in his room.

"He's been asleep since we got here." Jason supplied.

"It's the best thing for him. His body needs sleep to try and get his mind to slow down." Jay answered, as he took his gun and badge off and placed them down on the coffee table.

"He hasn't been sleeping much. You have a lot of weapons around here." Jason commented.

He had looked around once Will left and he had discovered quite a bit about Jay. He discovered that he had a lot of medals and two purple hearts. He also discovered them in a wooden box in the back of the front closet, so he didn't want to look at them. That was something that Jason could understand, because he did the exact same. He didn't need to see his medals for any reminders. He also hated getting medals for doing his job, he didn't need the rewards, especially because he still lost brothers. He still had to bury good men, good friends, so the medals meant nothing to him. He also discovered knives and loaded gun clips around the house. In drawers, cupboards, in the bathroom, in the spare bedroom, they were all over the place, including under the pillows in the spare bedroom. It was very different to Jason and he couldn't help but wonder if it had something to do with Jay's PTSD.

"They make me feel better. I like knowing that I can get to any weapon should I need to. As you know any operation we've gone on could be the one that comes back to bite us in the ass. I am always prepared for an attack should my past operations become an issue." Jay answered, as he headed into the kitchen.

"We don't get that very often. We normally have to take everyone out. But I know with being a Ranger, you guys went on different operations. Your unit often targets very dangerous terrorist cells with thousands, that makes it hard to take everyone out." Jason said with understanding.

"Everything stays classified right down to the operators. Even my name is blacked out in my military record. Every three years I go and get resworn in for my top secret classified seal. I'll have to do that until the day I die."

"You still have to get sworn in?" That surprised Jason, because there were plenty of operations he had been on in his career that were no longer classified due to how old they were. Jay wasn't as old as him, but he should still have some declassified by now.

"Every operation is still classified. My unit was focused on black ops, so we did things a little differently. We took the operations that were suicide and impossible to do. The ones that were too dangerous for any military branch to do. You hungry?"

"Ya, I haven't eaten dinner yet. I wanted to see if Clay woke up first."

"Burgers? I got a grill on my balcony." Jay said, as he looked over at Jason.

"I'll get it warmed up." Jason easily agreed, as he got up.

Jason headed out onto the small balcony. There was enough room for a small grill and two chairs. It was enough for one person and it was clear that Jay spent a lot of time out here based on how worn the chairs were. He was a bit surprised that Jay was a member of the Black Ops division within the Rangers. Rangers were Tier One Operators, but only a very small select were classified as Black Ops Operators. It was very impressive and a true testament to Jay's skills. Jason didn't want to like Jay, but he was starting to actually like him. He could respect him. He had a great deal of skills and his medals were all for bravery and acts of heroism. He was a good man. A man that would be a good influence to Clay and would be a good role model for him. He was trying to not think about the possibility of Clay not going back with him. He wanted the chance to get to know Jay and allow Clay to be here without feeling pressured between the two of them.

It was a few minutes later when Jay came out with burgers and two bottles of beer. They got the burgers on the grill before they both sat down with their beer. The night was nice and Jason could hear the small traffic down below them. It was different for Jason because he was used to the quiet of Virginia Beach. He liked the sound of the traffic and he knew that would help him to fall asleep, He was not good with the quiet and he liked that there was city noise here.

"Will got called into work." Jason said, breaking the silence.

"Ya, he texted me letting me know he won't be home tonight. There's a large pile up on the highway."

"Did you solve your case?" Jason was trying to get to know Jay. He was important to Clay so he needed to get to know him.

"Oh ya, we always do." Jay confidently said.

"What type of cases do you normally handle?"

"We focus on the cases that need to be solved. We can pick our own and sometimes they are assigned to us when another unit can't get it solved. We've done serial killers, arsonists, serial rapists, pedophiles, child abusers, murder, drug trafficking, weapon trafficking and human trafficking, kidnappings, hostage situations. We do it all. We even go undercover at times. We focus on the worst criminals the city has and we try to get em locked up."

"That sounds intense." Jason had to admit, he was impressed. That was a lot more than writing tickets or just solving robberies. They were targeting the worst Chicago had to offer and they were risking their lives to take em out. It was a lot like what they did overseas.

"It can be, ya. Some cases are easier than others, but if we don't work it, they might never get solved and justice never gets served. That's not something I can live with. It's not something any of us can live with. It's a lot like what you do. Some operations are easier than others to deal with. It's the team that matters. They're family and they get you through. We all have each other's back and we are there when we need to talk or have a drink. We're a family and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Intelligence is home." Jay easily said.

Jason knew that feeling all too well. Bravo had always been his home, his family. If you were having a bad day, your brothers were there. If you had a bad operation, your brothers were there. They were there for all of your life milestones and your children. They made a family and they shared a bond that was forged in war and bloodshed. It wasn't something that should ever be taken lightly and it was yet another reason why Jason was so pissed off at Sonny and Ray. They turned their backs on Clay for no reason. Jason had no idea what the reason was, but the fact that they didn't even vocialize it, he had to believe it was complete bullshit, whatever it was. They had broken a level of trust, a very deep trust in not just Clay, but everyone else. It was that broken trust that Jason was worried about. He had no idea how they were ever going to get past this, to rebuild the trust again. He truly had no idea how to repair Bravo if Clay didn't come back.

"I know that feeling all too well. I'm curious though, you said you had PTSD, how do you handle what you see in this job with your PTSD?" That was something that Jason couldn't figure out. Jay was still seeing traumatising things with his job and yet he was doing it with his PTSD, so how was it not getting worse?

"It wasn't easy and there were plenty of moments where I almost lost everything. Two years ago almost now we were chasing drug dealers when one squirted into an alley. I chased him and he opened fired, I shot one round and it went through his side, through a door and into a nine year old girl. They were running an illegal daycare that we didn't know about. My bullet killed that little girl and it sent me down a dark path. I almost lost everything, but thankfully I have an amazing partner and family that wouldn't let me get buried alive."

"How did you recover from it?"

Jason felt for Jay. He couldn't imagine being in Jay's position. To have taken the life of a child that young and not by his own choice. It wasn't like the little girl had a suicide vest on and was looking to kill innocent people. This was a little girl just playing and had no idea that there was violence going on outside. As a father with a young son, he couldn't imagine the pain of having to carry the weight of killing an innocent child.

"Voight made me go and speak to a shrink. I wasn't happy about it at first, but talking helped. I didn't keep going, but she did get me in contact with a great support group. They are all Vets and they all suffer from PTSD, but they are all functioning. We help each other with triggers and dealing with the stress. Everyone still has their classification seal so we can openly talk about past operations that have given us PTSD. They've helped me through a lot of it. I put the work in so I can keep helping people. I have a weighted blanket to help as well when the anxiety kicks in at night or the nightmares. It's a battle every day, but it's one I'll keep fighting."

"Can I ask what happened?" Jason asked, gently.

He knew personally that there were some missions that were too hard to talk about. Missions that would never scar over and he didn't want to trigger Jay at all. He would understand if it was too hard for him to talk about it. Jay let out a long breath before he spoke.

"It's still classified, but you have a high enough clearance. My unit was in the Valley on an eighteen month tour. We were three months away from being done, three fucking months. We were in a convoy, it was routine and the night before the road had been swept for any IEDs. Everything was supposed to be fine. I was in the lead humvee with my best friend, we hit an IED on the left side and then all hell broke loose. I blacked out for a while, I only know what I was told. When I woke up I was in a cell. I had been grabbed and taken to a hidden POW camp. I had no idea if any of my guys were alive. They told me they were dead, but I knew better than to listen to anything they had to say. It was about three weeks later when they finally found me. When I got to the hospital that was when I learnt that only me and my best friend had survived."

Jason couldn't help the wave of pain that washed through his chest. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but that wasn't it. He had never been captured, he had never known anyone that had been. He had been very lucky in that sense. However, he did remember what it felt like to go through SERE and that was only for forty-eight hours. He couldn't imagine having to go through torture for three weeks. It was unreal and the fact that Jay was able to function at all was remarkable and very impressive.

"Your friend, was he captured too?"

"No, they thought he was dead. When he woke up I was gone and everyone was dead. He hiked back to the base and they started to look for me. He held on long enough to find me, but then the PTSD set in and he was medically discharged. They gave me an honorable discharge. He floundered for a long time before I got him a job with us working the tech. He did that for a couple of years before he went back in three years ago to the Rangers."

"He went back in? You said he had PTSD though."

That shocked Jason, because Jay was all about staying out of the military with PTSD. So why did he let his best friend go back in if he was still suffering from it.

"He does. I told him it was a bad idea, that I didn't want him to go back. He didn't listen. He said he was a solider and he would die one if it came down to it."

"He's doing ok though, right?"

"Nope. He barely sleeps from the nightmares. When he gets any downtime he is drinking and screwing anything that moves. On the bad nights he pops a few pills to stay awake. His PTSD is getting worse and it's only a matter of time before he's taken out. He rarely calls me now, because he knows what I'm going to say, but he's not ready to admit that I'm right. He's a human shell walking around just waiting for that something to finally kill him. It's what happens when you stay in when you should have taken yourself out a long time ago. It's what I am trying to avoid happening to Clay. He's too talented and too young to be broken for life."

Jason knew what Jay was saying was correct. That Clay was too young to be slowly dying from his own mind. He knew he needed to be more open minded about what Clay should be doing. It was hard though, because he wanted to keep his son close. He wanted to be there for him and help him get through all of this. He wanted to see him back on Bravo, but maybe the only way for that to happen would be for Clay to spend some time away from Bravo for him to see that he belonged with them.

"I just want Clay to be happy and healthy, that is what I care most about. It's hard for me to letg Clay go. He's my son and I want to be there for him. I want to help him through this, I do Jay. It's just really hard for me to let him go."

Jay could hear how much Jason did love Clay. He could understand why it was hard on Jason. He was Clay's father, but he couldn't make this better. This was something only Clay could do. He had to fight this war on his own and that wasn't easy for a man like Jason to accept.

"I get that, but the reality is Clay has six months off. You will have to go back to operations and Clay will be left alone. There's nothing you can do about that. You have to go back to Bravo and lead them. And I get that and so does Clay, but why not let him stay with family while he's on medical leave? Why not let him be around people that will help him recover instead of him being alone while you are spun up?"

"No, you're right. It would make more sense for Clay to be around family until he has recovered. Bravo will be getting spun up, I can't take six months off, they won't let me. It would be good for Clay to have people around him all day. And I could come up and visit." Jason said.

He didn't want to leave Clay behind, but he couldn't argue with Jay's logic either. It did make sense for Clay to stay with Jay and Will while he was recovering. He would be able to have them around him every day without having to worry about them being spun up. He could also visit. He could take a weekend off each month and come down to see Clay. He would be able to call him every day and check in, then when Clay felt ready he could come home.

"Ya man, whenever you want. In six months Clay can decide what he wants to do. He doesn't have to leave the Navy, he could work in a different position if he wanted to. He shouldn't be active, not if he wants to have any form of a life, but he could work in a different capacity. He needs time to heal and then he can figure out his life."

"If he wants to stay here for his medical leave, then I won't fight him on it. I'll talk to him tomorrow about it. You haven't asked what happened yet, I thought you would have."

"It's not your story to tell. Clay will tell me what happened when he's ready. I know there has been some tension on Bravo and that was why he got transferred to Echo. Anything else, he'll tell me when he's ready."

It wasn't that Jay didn't want to know, he did, but he also knew it had to be Clay's decision on when he opened up and talked about it. He wanted to desperately know, but he wasn't going to push or ask Jason. He wasn't going to betray Clay like that. Jay just hoped that Clay was willing to talk soon, because he had no idea how long he was going to be able to wait.