Hey there! Been a while, huh? That's how life is sometimes. I'm sure you understand! I'm here though, and I come bearing gifts! Okay well, a gift. Okay it's not a gift at all, it's me returning to writing after a long absence. BUT! It gives you something to read, right? Right. :)

THIS STORY IS HEAVILY AU!

This is going to be mainly a Jasper/Bella fan-fiction, though there will be some other pairings down the line. Everything up until Edward and the family leaving in "New Moon" should be taken as canon - with the exception of Jasper's part in it. In this story, Jasper is Jasper Whitlock, and never joined the Cullen family. I'll be sure to clarify things in the story when they need to be rearranged, so don't worry. I will tell you that Edward's reason for leaving Bella is still the same - except Alice was the one who went feral over Bella's blood. We'll deal with that when the time comes though - my ideas might change the more I write. :)

Not every chapter is going to be formatted like this though, so if you're not a fan of the usage of song lyrics don't worry - this will be the only chapter that uses it. Probably. Maybe? Look, I make no promises! I will be associating each chapter with a song, most likely though. Maybe even two! I'll let you know the songs each chapter, if you want to get into the same headspace as I was when I was writing/imagining it. FUN RIGHT? :D

Here is your one and only obligatory "Twilight does not belong to me!" warning.

Everyone here should know that Twilight and it's intellectual property belong to Stephanie Meyer. It's her world, we're just playing in it. The text marked by the *asterisks* was taken directly from Twilight's opening line

Chapter song: "How To Disappear Completely" by Radiohead

THE LYRICS BELONG TO RADIOHEAD - I TAKE NO CREDIT FOR THEM.

Bella's POV

"That there, that's not me."

I didn't know how long I'd been walking. How long I'd had my fingers clenched tightly around my dusty mp3 player? It was old and beat up - a nearly archaic piece of technology - but it worked as intended, and I needed something to drown out the endless agony of my thoughts. The lilting lament blared too loud in my ears. Too loud, and yet not nearly loud enough. My feet mindlessly and aimlessly pushed themselves forward. When did I cross the threshold into the forest? How long had I been going in this direction? I could no longer see the road through the thickening timberline.

"I go where I please."

Where was I even going? I could hardly see through the stinging tears that spilled freely, cresting the lower lids of my eyes and racing down my cheeks. I cursed myself myself inwardly, for allowing myself to be so foolish. Of course he didn't want me. Of course I wasn't good enough. I was nothing, and he was everything. How could I have been so fucking blind. So naïve? So utterly stupid? Why was I doing this to myself? Again? How many times had I walked into the tree line, in a vain attempt to find him? He was never coming back - he made that perfectly clear.

"I walk through walls. I float down the Liffey."

You would think by now, it would have gotten easier. That the sting would have eased. That the white hot knife in my chest would have tempered and cooled, perhaps even cauterizing the gaping wound he'd left me. It had been nearly 6 months, yet I was offered no such relief. There was no respite from the constant suffering, no dulling of the senses to stifle the ache. No shelter from the storm. When had it started raining?

"I'm not here, this isn't happening. I'm not here. I'm not here."

I barely felt it as I pushed past a tangle of thicket, barely registered the sting as a few stray thorns tore into my thigh through my faded jeans. I didn't care. That pain was nothing compared to the gaping hole in my chest. A pin prick, in an endless sea of gouging daggers. My feet moved ever onward, leading me to the last place I should be going. That last place I *wanted* to go - at least in my conscious mind.

It seemed like I had been walking for hours. Days, perhaps. I had no recognition of time, though the sun hadn't begun to set and the sky showed no signs of dimming. It couldn't have been that long if the sun still blazed behind the thick clouds. The rain picked up, unhindered by the umbrella of the treetops as I stepped into the clearing of the meadow. Our meadow. His meadow. My eyes unfocused and refocused erratically as I pushed myself to the middle of the rounded field, knees bowing and relenting once I reached our spot. His spot.

Rain seeped into the denim covering my knees, chilling my skin as I sank into the soft earth underneath. I felt goosebumps blister and rise to dust the flesh underneath my clothing. It was cold, like his touch. His gentle, loving touch, that ghosted along my skin. Like his lips, when they peppered mine so carefully. I was breakable, of course. I was nothing but a piece of glass. And all at once, everything was too much again. All at once, I shattered.

"In a little while, I'll be gone. The moment's already passed, yeah it's gone."

I could nearly make out my strangled, pathetic sobs over the music blaring in my ears. How many times had the song looped? I couldn't be sure. I'd lost count somewhere after the fifth or sixth playthrough. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I crumpled in on myself, falling backward to sit on the damp ground. The chill reignited within me as more rainwater seeped through my jeans. The cold only served to fuel the flames licking at my chest. The gaping wound that no one else could see - that no one else could understand. How could they? They weren't the ones abandoned. They weren't the ones left alone, gutted and used up. A child's toy, discarded after it's interest no longer captivated the mind. A piece of garbage. Pitiful. Useless. Weak. Forgettable.

They'd all left me so easily. Carlisle, Esme, Rose, Emmett, Alice... and him. I couldn't dare think his name then. I couldn't bring myself to say it, wouldn't and couldn't force it up from the depths I'd locked it away from. Edward - my perfect love - had torn me apart at my very core, and left me for dead. Back then, I really did wish he had just killed me. Drank the blood that sang to him so sweetly, bleeding me dry. It would have been more merciful than what he'd done.

"And I'm not here, this isn't happening. I'm not here. I'm not here."

I don't remember when my sobbing ended. When my eyes closed. When the rain stopped making me shiver. I don't remember when exactly I stopped feeling - only that I had. For the first time in months, I felt nothing at all. No trace of any emotion, save a soft blanket of numbness. I was still as death itself, splayed out on the grass. My entire body was soaked to the bone, but I felt no chill. I could barely even register the shallow push and pull of my breath.

Days, weeks, months went by. Entire lifetimes, and no time at all rushed passed me before my eyes opened again. And as they did, it all came flooding back. The rain, the chill, the dimming sunlight behind the overcast clouds, the soggy clothing cementing me to the ground. The pain. It coursed through me like lightning, following every twist and turn of my nervous system. I was on fire again, searing from the inside out. The rain did nothing to snuff the blaze, but was threatening to suffocate me. I sat up slowly, eyes refusing to focus for a time. It's when they finally did focus, my heart stopped.

"Strobe lights and worn speakers."

Across the field, just beyond the tree line, I saw an unfamiliar form lingering. Looming. Crouched down low, ready to pounce. I didn't need to see his features to recognize that he was a vampire - it was plainly obvious even from a distance what he was. I felt his gaze boring into me, taking in his potential meal. I was, after all, an easy target. A free meal. A stupid, heartbroken fool who'd put herself in danger again. Except my danger meter was broken, even before my heart had been.

If only I'd had a normal sense of self preservation, perhaps I wouldn't have been in that mess to begin with. I should have been scared. I should have scrambled up from the ground, and tried to run. I knew it would have been fruitless and futile, even if I was capable of feeling fear at the predator watching me. I couldn't ever hope to outrun him. I watched as his head canted slowly to the side, fluid and effortless. I couldn't make out his features from here, save the head of honeyed curls that twisted and tousled around his face. Even as our gazes locked, the pain tore through me. I decided I would welcome this end, if only he would blink over to my side - I wouldn't struggle, as he ended my life. Minutes seemed to pass, and he still hadn't moved. Hadn't broken his sight from me. He was hesitating. Why?

I moved to my knees then, lifting myself up to stand. My knees wobbled, and my balance nearly failed me. Clumsy even in the face of certain death. I managed to right myself though, and pulled my headphones down around my neck. The battery had died some time ago, but I hadn't bothered to take them off.

"Fireworks and hurricanes."

"Do it." I whispered. I knew this stranger would be able to hear me from where I was.

"Please." I added after I noticed him shift his weight. He was standing now, tall and lithe - though I could tell he was muscular. The rain had stuck the black fabric of his shirt seamlessly to his chest.

When he made no move toward me, I began to take small steps toward him. One, after the other, after the other. I let the blistering ache in my chest drive me closer, like a funeral dirge.

I'd never given much thought to how I would die - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.*

Walking intentionally toward a threat, soaked in rainwater and sorrow and bitter torment. Still, surely death would be better than this?

The stranger stiffened visibly, before taking a single step toward me. One, single, merciful step. It drove me forward, closer and closer to this angel of death. Now that I had closed half the gap between us, I could finally begin to register his face. An angel - that's exactly what he looked like. Gilded curls fell around his face - brilliant even as they lay slick with rain. Angled features chiseled into gleaming marble, becoming clearer as I pushed forward. I could see his lips now, set to a natural pout. The bottom one more commanding, I lingered on it's fullness as my gaze swept over him. A dimple set just so into the center of his chin. His cheekbones sat high, rounding in contrast to the sharp lines of his jaw. Even from a distance I could tell his nose was perfectly straight. He looked just as all other vampires looked to a human. Painfully beautiful.

"I'm giving you permission." I pleaded, still barely above a whisper. "I know what you are, and I don't care. Please..."

"I'm not here, this isn't happening."

I never once looked away, even when my feet stopped moving. I was barely ten feet away from him now, brown eyes locked to vermillion ones. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I noted the odd color. I'd never seen eyes like his - neither golden, nor crimson, nor black. They were the strangest shade of orange. Beautiful and haunting. He hadn't opened his mouth to speak, but I could tell by his expression he was battling something inside of himself. His perfect features twisted through various emotions. Discomfort. Hunger. Confusion. Pain. Pain? Was I causing him pain?

My breath hitched in my throat as I stifled another sob, hands moving to clamp over my mouth. Was that what I'd done to The Cullens? Caused them discomfort and pain? Was I a constant burden the entire time? Of course I was! I must have been. I was human. I was their ideal meal, and all I did in the year and a half I'd known them was agonize them. Realization hit me like a freight train, and my knees buckled again. My knees hit the wet ground for the second time today, as my body fell forward to catch itself. Palms spread wide against the grass as I leaned into it. Every atom of my being rippled to life, ignited anew to the torrid pain that tore through me.

"Please!" I screamed, unable to take any more of the suffocating grief. "JUST KILL ME ALREADY!" My throat scorched in protest against my wailing sobs, but it hardly recorded in my brain. I was too busy being consumed by endless, searing heartbreak to care. My eyes snapped shut as I rocked back onto my knees, palms running the length of my thigh before digging into the wet denim. Perhaps if I could cut myself just enough, I could send this vampire into a frenzy. Just one little nick of the flesh, surely, would send him into bloodlust. I dug and dug, and scratched as hard as I could, until I was nearly thrashing, hitting my legs over and over with closed fists. Maybe I couldn't tear my flesh, but a bruise could work right?

Then, I was still. Suddenly, and entirely unmoving. Just barely I registered the light touch of icy fingertips on my cheek. When my eyes opened again, I was met with the most brilliant view. All at once, my heart mended and shattered, only to mend itself again. This angel, my angel of death, was crouched before me - crouched and calm. There was no hostility on his face, no threat of violence. His lips were turned down in a slight frown, instead of curled up in a snarl. His brows pulled slightly together, as if he was in pain himself. Had I caused him that pain? My breath hitched, and for a moment I feared I might break into wracking sobs again. Instead, I was swathed in tranquility. Pure, and deeply seeded serenity.

I lost myself in radiant orange eyes, transfixed to my own. Unblinking, yet full of such complex expression. I spent eternity there, it seemed. I was content to never look away, never blink myself if I could help it. I inhaled softly, steadily, to speak. I found no words when I tried. My eyes began to grow heavy, each blink lingering just a bit longer than the last. Was he going to kill me while I slept? That would be okay too. Preferable, even.

As if he could read my mind - Edward couldn't, but perhaps this angel could - he opened his mouth slowly. My world tilted as I heard his voice, a soft soulful tenor that seemed to curl and dance around me. A slight husk wove in and out of each word, singing to me like a symphony. "I'm not going to hurt you. You've been hurt enough." I could detect the faintest hint of a drawl to his words - Southern in nature. Before I could even open my mouth to respond, the world around me spun away. A blotting, inky darkness took hold of my vision as I drifted to sleep. The first real, peaceful slumber I'd been offered in six whole months.

"I'm not here. I'm not here."

And there it is! Chapter one done! It's a fairly short chapter, but I tend to do that. I like to overlap my POV's a fair amount.

I'm not going to make any promises when it comes to the speed and frequency of my uploads to this story. Realistically, I know better than to do that to you. Sometimes I just can't write, and it would be unfair to promise something I can't grantee. I do hope you enjoy though!

Oh! And if you were/are a fan of my fan-fic "Winter Hale" I will be returning to that eventually. I plan to anyway - so keep an eye out for updates!