The whole mess never would have happened if the hospital hadn't put Izuku Midoriya on oxycodone.
After a major attack on U.A. by the League of Villains left dozens of students seriously injured, Recovery Girl couldn't get to all of them fast enough. An overworked nurse added the strongest available painkiller to the IV of the poor green-haired boy with two broken arms.
If Inko Midoriya had been present, she would have told them absolutely no oxycodone, because her son had a strange reaction to it, and no one wanted a repeat of the time a six-year-old vigilante had roamed the neighborhood creating net traps to capture a purse snatcher, two underwear thieves, and an overly aggressive dog. Alas, Inko was not consulted until it was far, far too late.
Izuku opened his eyes. He stared at the white ceiling of the hospital, aka his home away from home. His head spun and his tongue felt dry. He couldn't move his arms. A tingling covered his body. Euphoria raced through his veins, bringing with it a drug-induced sense of confidence and a craving for chaos and destruction.
"All for One sucks," Izuku said.
"Command not recognized," his phone replied. The same kind nurse who'd give Izuku oxycodone had also enabled voice commands on his phone so the patient with the broken arms could at least have some entertainment.
"I'm going to tell the whole world how much All for One sucks." Izuku was riding high on the self-righteous fury of a young hero who'd seen the people he cared about hurt by the League of Villains. He was also just plain high. "Gonna tweet about it."
"Opening twitter," the phone said. "You are not logged into twitter. Would you like to enter a username and password or create a new account?"
"Create a new account. I'm going to call it 'Awful for One.'" Izuku giggled. In his floaty state of mind, this seemed absolutely hilarious.
By the time Izuku stopped giggling and babbling nonsense, he dimly registered a mechanical voice saying, "Your new account has been created. What would you like to tweet?"
"Send tweet: I'm All for One! I want to rule Japan, but I can't fasten a tie!" Izuku laughed even harder.
"Tweet sent."
"Tell them…tell them I'm an overgrown chuunibyou who loves monologuing…" Izuku frowned. Even in his inebriated state, this didn't seem quite cutting enough. "No, wait. Cancel that tweet."
"Tweet deleted."
Izuku knew he could come up with something better. Something all the more vicious for being true. His thoughts soared at hyperactive speed. "I'm highly disappointed in the performance of the League of Villains today. What kind of lame ass clowns attack a school full of children and get their asses kicked? Particularly embarrassing was how the League of Villains got in each other's way, culminating when Tomura decayed a wall onto—"
"Character limited reached."
Izuku blinked owlishly. He desperately needed to scratch his nose, but his arms wouldn't move. "Send what you have to Tomura Shigaraki, then."
"Tweet sent tagging Tomura Shigaraki, account name DecayHands."
"Start new tweet. Critique of League of Villains Performance, 1/5. Tomura had the single worst performance today. When he decayed a wall onto Mr. Compress and Twice, he turned the tide of battle in favor of the heroes. Maybe he should go seek employment at U.A."
"Tweet sent."
"2/5. Dabi chased his younger brother around like a headless chicken until he walked straight into a trap laid by Izuku Midoriya, who was clearly the only intelligent person on the battlefield that day."
"Tweet sent."
"3/5. Toga dedicated herself to creeping on students she found attractive rather than fighting, and Twice's pitifully obvious puppy crush led him to cover for her mistakes. Tell them both to play kissy face on their own time."
"Tweet sent."
"4/5. Mr. Compress' trench coat got in the way of his fighting and he needs to acquire some trick besides turning people into marbles. He doesn't have as much talent in his whole body as his great-great-grandfather had in his pinky." Izuku was especially proud of that last insult because it sounded like something an immortal supervillain would say.
"Tweet sent."
"5/5. Spinner was completely fucking useless. I don't know why we keep him around. I'd call him comic relief except he's not funny."
"Tweet sent. You have received a reply to your tweet. DecayHands says, 'Sensei, I understand that you're disappointed in us, but please don't air the dirty laundry publicly.' You have received a reply to your tweet. IHateEndeavor says, 'Shiggy you moron, it's a troll account. Ignore it.'"
Izuku's eyes shot open. They doubted the verity of his account, did they? He knew how to prove himself! "Reply to DecayHands: Would a fake know that I instructed you to obtain One for All from the current nineth holder?"
"You have received a reply to your tweet. DecayHands says, 'It really is Sensei! I'm sorry for disappointing you! I'll do anything to make it up to you!'"
Anything, eh? Izuku's smile widened. "Reply to DecayHands: Your fashion sense is a disgrace. What are you going for, goth NEET? Next battle, I want you to wear—" Izuku's brain short-circuited as he tried to think of the ugliest possible villain costume on the fly. He'd always been told his own fashion sense wasn't the best. "—surprise me. Model yourself after a combination of Wash and Minoru Mineta but more even more purple."
"Tweet sent."
"Reply: From now on, you must obey Izuku Midoriya as you would me because—" Izuku's painkiller-hazed mind strained. Because he's awesome didn't seem like a very plausible explanation. "Because he's my long-lost son." Brilliant!
"Tweet sent."
Izuku was on a high (quite literally). He just knew he could top himself. It would only take one more push. "I would like to confess my love to Doctor Kyudai Garaki, the beloved of my immortal life." Perfect!
"You have reached five thousand, eight hundred, and six followers. Would you like to follow any of them back?"
Izuku laughed so hard he passed out.
All Might stared at his computer screen with horror. Nezu had forwarded a link to a twitter account with a simple question mark. All Might would like to believe it was all a prank, but only All for One would know about One for All.
With shaking hands, All Might emailed the Hero Public Safety Commission that he believed this account genuinely belonged to All for One.
Then he headed to the library to look up books on how to talk to children about villainous parents. After such a devastating public reveal, young Midoriya would require all his support!
The League of Villains was in a state of disarray. Spinner curled up in a ball in the corner, muttering, "All for One thinks I'm useless…"
Toga spun her knife. "How dare he try to restrict my pursuit of my dreams?"
Dabi stood over them, shouting, "It's not real! The account is clearly fake! What's wrong with all of you?"
Mr. Compress shook his head sadly. "It must be real, because his analysis of my performance today was spot on. I need to go practice some more."
Twice said, "I think the account is real," followed by, "Ha! That thing is faker than a porn star's breasts!"
Tomura ignored all of it, because he knew the truth. No one besides Sensei would know about One for All. He added a giant diaper and a washing machine to his amazon shopping cart, hoping he was along the right track for his new costume. He had a new little brother, so he needed to look good for the next family reunion.
It looked like the family might get even bigger soon, too. Dr. Garaki? A strange choice for love, but Tomura just wanted his sensei to be happy.
Yawning, Izuku stretched his arms. Recovery Girl had come by to heal him while he'd been asleep, how nice. His phone buzzed.
Looking over, Izuku saw that he had over three million notifications.
The events of yesterday rushed back in an opioid-blurred haze. Had he randomly decided to pretend to be All for One's son? And Tomura Shigaraki had brought it?
As he scrolled through his new troll twitter account, his heart rate kept accelerating. Twitter had verified the account as belonging to All for One? The Hero Public Safety Commission had issued a statement asking civilians not to follow the account while they filed a suit to get it deleted? The request had clearly backfired on them: Izuku had several million followers. The count rose even as he watched it.
His finger trembled over settings, about to delete this account before anyone ever found out what he'd done.
"Psst! Nineth!" The ghostly figure of the First One for All user waved at him. Yoichi Shigaraki flickered in and out of existence. "Can you see me? We're still working out the kinks of how to manifest when you're awake."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! First!" Izuku dropped his phone. "I'm so sorry about what I did, I was high on painkillers, it will never happen again! I'm about to delete the account!"
"You are?" Yoichi tilted his head, frowning. "That's too bad. I came to give you tips on how to make it look even more real."
The painkillers were out of Izuku's system at this point. He had no excuse for what he said next. "That does sound like fun."
In the waiting room for those about to be released from the hospital, Shouto Todoroki scrolled on his phone. A long hiss emerged from his mouth.
"What's wrong?" Tenya asked, looking over his shoulder.
"All for One has a new twitter account!" Shouto pointed with a shaking finger. "Izuku is his long-lost son! This ruins several of my favorite conspiracies. Unless…do you think there's any chance All for One and All Might had a test tube baby?"
"What?" Katsuki stomped over. "No, Hisashi Midoriya isn't All for One, I've met the man! Gimmee that." He snatched Shouto's phone. "Dammit, that's fucking Deku tweeting!"
"But twitter verified the account as belonging to All for One," Tenya protested. "Izuku would never pretend to be someone else. He's far too honorable."
Katsuki snorted. "You've only ever known his good boy side. You don't know what he's like when he snaps. Did someone in this shitty hospital give him oxycodone? I swear, we'll be lucky if he doesn't burn this whole building down if he's on oxycodone."
Shouto muttered, "I need to update my conspiracy theorist blog."
"Cool down." Katsuki rolled his eyes. "Just wait, after the painkillers wear off, the shit nerd will delete the account and this will all blow over."
Yoichi hovered over Izuku's bed. "Before we start the good stuff, let's add some more content to make this look convincing. Old twenty-first century memes. But no good memes for my brother. Stupid memes! Google 'Be Friend with Stupid People, Feel Like Genius All the Time.' Yes, the bad grammar is deliberate."
"Ooo, that one is perfect for the All for One and the League of Villains." Izuku laughed as he edited the image to show a picture of the league as the "stupid people."
"Next up: 'Working on my five year plan. 1. ? 2. ? 3. ? 4. ? 5. And then they'll all be sorry.'"
Banjo popped up next to Yoichi. "Are we embarrassing All for One? Can I tell the story about the time his shoe got stuck on an escalator?"
Yoichi shook his head. "I would love to tell that story, but we need to make this account look real, and he'd never willingly tell that to the public. I've been dictating to Izuku the story of the time he stole the Hero Public Safety Commission's experimental quirk-enhancing serum."
"Won't that story make him look good, though?" Banjo asked.
"Not after I explain how the serum gave him permanent baldness and hemorrhoids."
"But it didn't…oh!" Banjo said with enlightenment.
Izuku typed rapidly. "This will embarrass the Hero Public Safety Commission, too. I love it."
"All this is just the appetizer." Yoichi steepled his fingers. "Now for the main course. Dictate: 'I've been pining lately for a colleague of mine. That domelike head, the cute goggles, the majestic whiskers'…"
Izuku hesitated. "The Dr. Garaki love confession was one of my less convincing lies. Are you sure this won't expose us?"
"We only need to convince one person. And that won't be hard. People believe what they want to believe, and I've seen how that creepy doctor looks at my brother." Yoichi's grin became diabolical. "Next tweet: 'My desire grows stronger with every day, but I fear disrupting our working relationship as colleagues. If you're reading this, and you don't return my feelings, then we can pretend this never happened. But if you feel the same way, then give me a signal. A sign. Sneak up behind me while we're at work, take me into your adorable potato arms, and kiss me like we're both still twenty."
"I see what you're doing." Banjo hummed. "If we can just pull it off, I'll be satisfied for the rest of my unlife."
As Izuku posted his latest tweet, Yoichi cackled maniacally. "Ha! This will teach you to stick me in a bank vault, big brother!"
Even Izuku couldn't help shuddering. Note to self: Never piss the First off.
Dr. Garaki's heart rate accelerated as All for One entered his laboratory. He lowered his face to his desk to hide his blush.
At first, Dr. Garaki hadn't believed the new twitter account could be real. But then it had filled with stories of the past, stories that no one alive knew except for himself and All for One. Dr. Garaki concluded that the outward absurdity of the account had all been to disguise a secret message meant for exactly one person. The only other person who would understand those old secrets and memes.
Lately, All for One had been a tad short with Dr. Garaki, even asking him to "stop staring so creepily." But Dr. Garaki completely understood why—his employer must be impatiently waiting for an answer to his confession.
Of course, it wasn't as if Dr. Garaki had never thought about it. The master was an exceptionally handsome man. But after suppressing his feelings so long, it was difficult to work up the nerve.
Dr. Garaki's breathing came out rougher.
"How should we troll Tomura?" Izuku asked, tapping his chin. "I thought about giving more scathing critiques, but I'm concerned that he might learn something from them."
"Let's embarrass him," Yoichi said.
Nana appeared. "That's my job! I'm a grandmother—I exist to embarrass that boy. Toshi has been looking through old records of Tomura's childhood before that bastard All for One appeared." Her face pinched. "There's loads of great humiliation material."
"Ready when you are," Izuku said.
Nana began, "When my protégé Tomura was a cute little four year old, he wanted to marry the family dog Mon-chan when he grew up—"
As Izuku typed, he thought, Note to self: Also never piss Nana off.
Izuku didn't know why All Might had asked for a private talk in the teacher's lounge. He understood even less why All Might had expressed constant concerns for his health throughout the day. He'd been cleared for release from the hospital, the same as everyone else.
His mentor stood with his hands behind his back in front of a huge stack of books. They had titles like A History of Discrimination Against Quirks Labeled as Villainous and How to Have Difficult Conversations with Your Child.
In a faltering voice, All Might asked, "Young Midoriya, have you seen the twitter account Awful for One?"
"That? I thought it was funny. Did you not think it was funny?" Izuku wondered if he was about to get in trouble for what he'd done.
All Might bit his lip. "I'm not sure if you've yet seen what he said about you, but I want you to know what whether he's lying or not, it makes no difference to me."
"What?" Izuku paled as he realized the meaning behind his mentor's words. "You think that's real? I created that twitter account as a joke! I was trolling Tomura!"
All Might sagged into his seat. "Oh."
"I'm sorry! I never meant to trick you, too." Izuku waved his hands. He bounced back and forth with nervous energy.
All Might ran a hand down his face. "Tomura believes that it's real? Am I understanding that correctly?"
"Yeah, I've been having so much fun embarrassing him."
"Young Midoriya, did it ever occur to you to lead Tomura into a police trap?"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh," Izuku said.
Tomura did not know what to make of his sensei's instructions to summon the League of Villains to a picnic in an industrial park. It all seemed very random. But Sensei had been firm that everyone show up and that he must bring mochi.
Hopefully, Tomura would have a chance to ask Sensei to stop telling those stories about his childhood online. The leader clearly thought they were cute, but they were making the rest of the League of Villains give Tomura funny looks.
The food was already spread out at the park, but All for One hadn't yet arrived. The League of Villains sampled the picnic, barely noticing how they became drowsier with each bite. They had all fallen unconscious when the police arrived to pick them up.
Standing among the tanks of Nomu, All for One wondered where the hell Tomura and the rest of his minions had gotten off to. He'd been meaning to talk to the boy about his new costume. All for One tried to let his student make his own choices and mistakes. But that monstrosity was a step too far.
Distracted in his thoughts, All for One didn't notice Dr. Garaki sneaking up behind him.
A horrified scream echoed through the night.
OMAKE TIME!
Omake: Nezu Knows All
Nezu: I suspect this twitter account is false. Awful for One, can you offer proof that you are All for One?
Awful for One: How do you prove yourself to be "human" in those computer tests to verify you're not a robot?
Nezu: Definitely fake, but hilarious. I'm going to arrange for this account to be verified.
#
Omake: If This AU Is Not Dad for One
All for One: (Scrolling through the twitter feed. )What a clever little troll. The most evil One for All user yet, and I mean that as a compliment. Time for some trolling back. How best to fake evidence that Izuku Midoriya is a clone created from my DNA and All Might's?
#
Omake: If This AU Is Dad for One
All for One: Izuku Midoriya, Nineth Wielder of One for All, I am…your father!
Izuku: Nice try, I already told that joke.
All for One: What are you talking about? It's not a joke.
All Might: I fell for that once, I'm not falling for it again.
All for One: I'm Hisashi Midoriya!
Izuku: Yeah, sure, and next you'll tell me that Dr. Garaki is my new stepdad.
Author's Note: Credit for this story idea goes to my dear sister, my first reader.
I deliberately left it ambiguous if All for One is Hisashi Midoriya or not. Personally, I think it's hilarious either way for different reasons. In the Not Dad for One AU, All for One launches his fake bomb of evidence at the same time that Izuku develops Black Whip. People see a boy with All Might's quirk and multiple quirks and completely believe that he must be the test tube baby of All Might and All for One. Izuku goes on a troll rampage in retaliation, and by the time the dust clears there are enough conspiracy theories to make Shouto Todoroki weep from joy.
In the Dad for One AU, All of One can't convince anyone that he's Hisashi Midoriya. The Hero Public Safety Commission already released a statement saying that All for One is Izuku's father and then released another statement taking it back. They're not going to change their minds again—it would make them look too foolish. The story has been entrenched in the public's mind as notorious fake news. No one will ever be able to convince Izuku of it because he'll always believe that All for One is just trolling him back.
The critical difference between these AUs is a matter of timing. Dad for One tried to keep Izuku's relationship to him secret until the right time to prevent him from being taken hostage. The non-related All for One could care less so he spews out his fake story immediately. Ironically, this results in people only believing All for One is Izuku's father in the AU where he isn't. Izuku, of course, doesn't believe it whether it's true or not. That was Izuku's lie first and he's very miffed at All for One for trying to steal it.