A/N - In this chapter Siranon's emotions (while I was writing) came to the surface. The emotions and sentiments of two old songs kept playing in my mind. The Eagles "I can't Tell You Why" speaks more to Siranon's sadness (not the lyrics), but Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" is spot-on his contained emotional state and thought process concerning Shanna and their relationship, even down to the lyrics. This chapter is inspired by those two songs since I saw them as strongly coming from his point of view. I don't know if that is heavy-handed to ascribe those emotions to a Vulcan, but that's where his mind is at when it comes to her. - J. Shane

After a very hot shower, Shanna crawled into bed. Siranon also got into bed with her. Though neither said a thing to the other, Siranon knew that it was important that he be there with her physically as she fell asleep. So he waited until he heard the steady breathing of his wife. Once she had fell into deep slumber, he went to meditate to try and ascertain the many ways that things had not only gone wrong, but could also be repaired between them.

But deep meditation eluded him that night. So weighed down was he by the possibility that she perhaps might think that things were beyond repair, he had only been able to achieve the lightest state of reflection.

He got into bed a time later, still largely clueless. Everything he considered had been highly logical… but he suspected that logic, this time around, might not be enough. He remembered something Shanna's mother, Noreen, had once said: "Shani does so much better after a night of sleeping on a problem. When she gets sleepy, she gets stupid, you know. Now my Shani's a genius, but no one functions well when they're tired."

Perhaps, he realized, that could also apply to him. He knew he had been neglecting to sleep as well as he should for quite some time. He had been so focused on the situation brewing on this planet, fascinated by the things unfolding- the opposition beginning to swell against their head leader Shuulin, the undecided factions still wondering what side to take… and the warlords in opposition to Shuulin -especially Warlord Elnas, that had shown such a marked interest in she who was his wife- here he was, allowing it to happen again, his tunnel vision taking over and leading him back to the issues involving Aquaeous and the Mashtiq!

He forced his mind to the personal issue at hand: His wife and her thought that he was no longer interested in her. That was untrue! He knew it to be untrue. However, it was not the first time he had become wrapped up in his work to the exclusion of all else. She seemed to have a great deal of resilience to this up until-

The loss of his children hit him square in the chest, yet again.

-until they happened. She had been fragile emotionally since their loss.

He rolled over then, saw her in sleep, saw that finally her face looked relaxed at least while in slumber.

Do you not understand? Do you not realize, I wish no other to be with me? I wish no other to parent children with me, of our bodies or not? Do you not realize? I cannot lose you…

Finally, he did sleep.

The desert… it was midday. The second most dangerous time to travel. Why was he traveling during midday?

Realization dawned, it was hot, but not as hot as it should have been. It was not what the outWorlders had taken to calling it, VMD - Vulcan Midday Discomfort. His inner eyelid had also not activated.

Or perhaps- 'Am I on Earth?' the thought intervened. The color of the sand was just a bit off. Looking up at the sky… it was the yellow light of Sol, not the deep red of Vulcan's primary source of light in the Eridani system.

The light tracks in the sand were not the same predators on his world, the air supplied him with more than adequate oxygen… even the density of the sand did not fight him as hard as it would have back home. Yes, this was Earth.

And yet… there in the distance. A coalescing band of hot air carrying sand- sand storm! Danger!

How was it that he found himself out in the open air in a familiar environment but on the wrong planet? He was turning in every direction, his logical mind unable to process where he should go or what he should do. He did not understand his indecision or lack of direction.

'Where must I go? What should I do?' and his last thought: 'Where is Shanna? Did I lose her somewhere out there?'

Shanna awoke in the wee hours of the morning to something she had not felt in quite some time. Siranon was in a deep sleep, one arm draped across her. This time, she did not startle at his presence. She felt the warmth from his front pressed up against her back. She knew she could pull away, but almost involuntarily she found her body snuggling into his. Even in sleep, he clutched her closer when she did so.

She felt tears in her eyes and deep guilt at how she had spoken to him before bedtime. How many years had they been together now? How many things had they been through together? Would that slip down a drain never to return?

Although previously having been undecided on what she would or would not do, she decided in that moment, they could figure things out between them. It was going to be difficult, but she began to feel that maybe this could be fixed after all.

Shanna awoke a few hours later to morning sunlight, surprised because she hadn't even realized she'd fallen back into sleep. She turned over in bed and saw that Siranon was already wide awake. He was lying there next to her, staring at her. Wholly unprepared for that level of scrutiny from him so early in the morning -or lately, at all- she almost shied away quickly to go and shower. But his words stopped her in her tracks. "Please, do not leave me, ashal-veh."

She knew he was not talking about her getting up in that moment to go and shower and start her day. It was a plea not to give up on them… on him. It was such an unexpected and vulnerable declaration- "I said long ago I would never leave you and I meant that."

That was not enough for him. He wanted more than that from her! "We are not here together anymore," he said almost sadly as he put his forehead to hers.

She didn't know what to say to that. They did seem hopelessly lost to one another. It was crushing to admit. "How do we find our way back?"

He knew the question was rhetorical, but he decided to answer anyway. "I do not know, but as a start, I will not go on duty today."

Her surprise was real.

"We will do things together?" he asked with hope in his mind. "May we?"

She swallowed back her disbelief. "The children wanted to go to the lagoon. I said I would take them."

"Then you must keep your word and I will accompany you," he agreed.

She began to feel her own small bit of hope. "Okay. Let's take the children to the beach."

On the Way

Ananda and Henry gawked. And then they looked at each other, thinking the same thing. Their father never went with them to the lagoon. Never. The surprise in their eyes as they looked back at him again, as if he were an illusion, was another indictment within Siranon of just how not present he had been for them these last few months. They had gotten used to his not being there socially. Ananda, Henry… and his wife.

Even the nanny, Ms. Tyler, wasn't able to hide her shock, his face displaying the thought, clear as day 'you're coming with us? Really?'

No one said a word, though, so the family set out, and pretty soon Ananda and Henry became their usual chatty selves as they carried their things out to the beach. The safety of the placid waters of the lagoon just off of the site of the embassy building was one of their favorite places to go at least two days a week.

Ms. Tyler and Shanna had made certain both children were appropriately slathered in sunscreen well before they left their premises, so as soon as they made it to the beach, both children ran straight for the placid water, jumped right in, and began splashing around in its shallow depths. Shanna made ready to go right for the water the way she did every time they came to the beach with the children, but on this day Ms. Tyler pointedly told her, "No, I'll go with them. You stay." She looked over at Siranon for a second and then back at Shanna. "You two need to talk," she muttered and then went after the children to tend them. "Ananda, don't splash your brother that way, you know he doesn't like it. And Henry, why are you attempting to put wet sand in your hair?"

Siranon stood next to his wife and extended his hand to her, his two fingers reaching for hers. She sighed and lifted her hand, connected her fingers to his and felt something close to a sense of relief as the sensation of his presence traveled from his fingers into hers. She gave off an exhale, not even realizing she had been practically holding her breath on the inside in some strange way.

After watching the children at play for a few minutes, he turned to her and asked, "Would you like to take a walk with me? We will stay within sight of the children and Ms. Tyler at all times."

Shanna nodded. "Okay."

They were walking, fingers attached to one another, but neither speaking. And then suddenly from his mouth fell- "I broke my promise to you."

Shanna looked over at Siranon, startled. She hadn't expected him to speak so soon, and she had most certainly not expected him to say that, of all things. "Siranon? Promise? What promise?"

"I made a declaration to you, when the possibility of this embassy materialized, that our family -we- would always come first. And things have not remained as such."

She sighed as she shook her head. "This is not a time for blame. Terrible things have happened. We've been through hell. It was difficult to find our equilibrium… it still is. Show yourself some mercy for that alone."

"And establishing some form of equilibrium for your existence after all that has happened, is that the reason you did not tell me about your activities with the Sisterhood?" he asked.

She felt no indictment in his words. It was an honest question from him to her. The 'her' from years ago would have cringed and heard blame in his words. But not that day. "Yes," she admitted.

He saw she felt no regret or shame. Some part of him was relieved. He never wanted her to feel badly for trying to discover who she truly was or what she was capable of doing. "You do not need my approval- should not need it."

"No. But I know that I should have at least told you what I was doing. I know I was wrong on that account."

He stopped in his tracks and looked down into her eyes, let himself stare at her for a moment. And he could slowly feel the burn of yearning in his being that always began when he looked into the silver of her eyes overmuch. "I sincerely apologize to you for allowing my duties to drown out the pain of the not so recent past."

She looked up into his eyes, but more than his eyes, the contact of their fingers told her he meant his words. She nodded. "I accept. And I apologize for trying to become someone else in an effort to-" she shook her head. "I don't know what I was trying to do. Outrun the pain? Get back at you for the secrets? Try to become someone else? I still don't know what I was attempting to do or why."

It fascinated him. The human mind was not turned in on itself in the same way a Vulcan mind was carefully crafted to be from so young an age. As a result, they often carried things out and acted on pure instinct without thoroughly casting into the future to consider all of the possibilities. Some Vulcans found this tendency to be foolhardy and short-sighted… but Siranon had never seen it as such. He understood, it was simply not their way. He knew that there were some humans who had been trained to be that careful from an early age. His Shanna had, in a way, been self-taught to be that way long before receiving any kind of formal training by coming into constant contact with Vulcans. But in matters such as this, where experience overlapped time and trauma… she had veered off course and was now blind to her own motivations. He understood. He could not blame her. But perhaps he could help her in some small way.

The two of them walked for a short time, not saying anything. "Do you enjoy your time with them?" he asked after a few moments, truly wanting to know.

"If you would have asked me that question four months ago, the answer would have been 'no'. But now… yes, yes, I do."

"Then you must continue… I hope?" he said, eyes hopeful that she had found something more here at this assignment.

She nodded. "I will."

The side of his mouth quirked upward. "I am pleased."

Something in her bloomed at hearing that. She looked away from him shyly. "Good."

"But you and I, we need to come to some form of an agreement," he said.

"Yes?"

"Remember when first we began our marriage, I informed you that I wished to know at all times what you would wish from me, even if the answer may not be a 'yes'?"

She sighed. The conversation came back to her then, from the days when they were putting together their wedding reception, the incident where she had assumed he would not wish to take official photographs of their special day. "Yes, I remember."

He looked down at her and shook his head, his heart in his eyes as they stared down at her. "Do not ever allow me to neglect you again. Speak to me. Accost me with words. Remind me that it is my duty to see to your needs as well as those of the children."

She felt strangely hearing that. But then she remembered something about his past. T'Shellis had spent their entire marriage pushing him away. Maybe Siranon was sincerely unaware of how to keep tabs on things between them in a healthy way because he had never been required to do so before. His past marriage had not been one where his presence had ever been required or even truly wanted. In light of that, she realized she was going to have to put her pride aside and begin asking him for everything she wanted from him.

She felt even more stunned as she realized, it was outside her comfort zone to ask anyone for anything. But she also realized that because of how she was, she hadn't ever given him a chance to be what she needed. "I will try harder. I will go out of my way to make certain the moment I feel some type of way, I will tell you."

"It will be my honor to hear your thoughts, ashal-veh," he admitted as his eyes held hers.

There was a lump in her throat, and her eyes stung with tears.

"Let us go and swim with the children," he said, wanting to relieve the emotional pressure building between them.

They spent that entire day together, and they both made as much time as possible for one another from that day onward. Siranon continued to adhere to his usual work schedule, but he made certain he was home for dinner with the children every night, even if he had to return to his home office afterward a few nights a week. He would also trade off with Shanna with the children's school work a few days a week. If she was assisting Ananda, he was helping Henry and vice versa.

Shanna trained with the Sisters on the appointed days, except now she was no longer omitting to her husband where she happened to be going for those parts of her days.

Siranon also made a point to spend more one-on-one time with each child when he could. Henry began to become more confident as the days turned into weeks. Ananda seemed more inclined to tell him what was on her mind, these days. He also took each child with him to work every other week. Because children were considered sacred to the Mashtiq, he began to see that every time one of them accompanied him in the field, they truly tried their best to keep their voices from rising in their presence. Pirrec took note of this and also began bringing his son, Tsulen, with him from time to time.

But Siranon noticed, she who was his wife… she began to open up to him again. She no longer startled at his unexpected presence when he entered a room she happened to be standing in. She was actually beginning to look for him, from time to time, instead of keeping to herself and waiting for his presence. He also began to, once again, touch her more often when no one was around, caressing her shoulder, her arm, her hip, and she warmed and snuggled into his touch.